A breakup can definitely cause depression. It can cause even the strongest people to experience overwhelming separation anxiety, loss of self-esteem and identity, and disorientation. As long as dumpees feel emotionally connected to the dumper at the time of the breakup, they’re bound to experience at least some form of pain and depression.
Depression may be mild, but it happens due to the absence of happy hormones the dumper provided them with for months or years throughout the relationship. Happy hormones give their life stability and meaning, so they have no idea how to stop relying on them and feel comfortable without them. All they know is that they’re scared and that they feel unworthy of love.
They haven’t felt this way in a long time (if ever), so they obsessively think about their ex and feel extremely nostalgic and regretful.
Due to their ex’s abandonment, negative breakup behavior, and post-breakup happiness, they take the breakup personally and blame themselves for even the tiniest of mistakes. Mistakes that upset their ex and got resolved.
Pain makes it hard for them to find their ex accountable even for problems and actions that had nothing to do with them. Depression tends to make dumpees look for problems within themselves rather than in other people and things outside of their control.
They think so poorly of themselves that they consider their ex a flawless individual they can’t and don’t want to live without.
Attachment tells them they’ve lost the most amazing person in the world and that their life will never be the same again. They instantly forget that they were happy before they met their ex otherwise they would have never attracted him or her in the first place. We can only attract like-minded people when we value ourselves and know our worth.
Happiness attracts people whereas a lack of it repulses them.
Anyway, depressed dumpees need more time to process the breakup and realize they weren’t as bad as they made themselves out to be. They need at least a few months to get used to the pain caused by their ex’s abandonment and cessation of affection and attention. When they see things from other perspectives and emotionally understand who their ex is at his or her worst, they start to fall in love with themselves (stop relying on validation for self-love) and get out of depression.
They stop feeling lost, confused, and unloved because they discover different paths that lead to even better outcomes.
So if you want to know if a breakup can cause depression, bear in mind that it can and often does. Many dumpees become depressed after a breakup and struggle to eat or sleep and perform their daily tasks. They feel and look like zombies obsessed with obtaining their ex’s recognition. It seems like nothing and no one makes them feel better and that their life will never get better.
They focus on emotional setbacks and pain in general, so they don’t realize that every day feels a tiny bit better. Every day helps them think about their ex a tiny bit less and love themselves a tiny bit more. It’s a long process, so they shouldn’t expect things to go back to normal in just a few days.
They should remember that they invested heavily in their ex for many days (if not months or years) and that they’ll have to invest in themselves long enough to value themselves more than their ex. Self-investment will allow them to stop thinking of the breakup as a loss but as an opportunity to feel excited about life. The more they plan their new life and look forward to new beginnings, the quicker they can expect to detox from their ex and find joy and meaning in life.
Post-breakup depression seriously affects how you think, feel, and act. It constantly tells you you’re not good enough and that your life sucks. What doesn’t tell you is why you think and feel that way and what you can do to break free from it.
These are some things you’ll have to figure out. Talking to a therapist and supportive friends can help, but all in all, you’ll have to make some changes, realize some important things, and rewire your thinking. You’ll have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start understanding and utilizing your talents and potential.
When you start engaging in productive thinking and behavior, you’ll no longer feel depressed because you’ll have plenty of better things and people to focus on and appreciate. You won’t regret breaking up because life will feel productive and entertaining again.
You probably can’t envision yourself not crying and missing your ex 24/7, but that’s because you haven’t processed the past yet and let go of unmet relationship expectations. You still consider your ex a big part of your life and aren’t ready to start the next chapter of your life.
To be ready for what comes next, you must come to terms with the breakup and the life the breakup forced on you. You must make a lemonade out of lemons and see the light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as you understand that the breakup is not the end of the world, you’ll leave depression behind and embrace all the lessons you’ve learned as a result of the breakup.
You won’t care what your ex thinks and does because you’ll be detached and won’t associate your worth with your ex. You’ll associate it with your improved self-esteem and new goals and passions.
In today’s article, we discuss whether a breakup can cause depression, what “kind of people” suffer the most, how long breakup depression lasts, and what you can do to get out of it.
Why do breakups cause depression?
Breakups cause depression for numerous reasons. The biggest reason is destroyed self-esteem. Rejection exposes their weaknesses, causes them to lose sight of their talents, positive traits, and capabilities, and forces them to stop loving themselves. It makes them think they’re not worthy of a relationship with their ex and that no one will love them and want to be with them.
The breakup affects their perception of themselves so badly it makes them think extremely highly of their ex. Their ex becomes the best person they ever dated and the solution to their suffering. If they were to get back with their ex, they wouldn’t feel so rejected and miserable.
They’d feel validated, needed, and purposeful.
But because they can’t get back with their ex, they lack the solution to their problems and feel forced to think negatively of themselves and highly of their ex. They have no choice but to obsess over their ex and relive the breakup a million times. Every time they think about their ex, they engrave their ex into their brain and convince themselves they need their ex to be happy.
Another reason why the breakup makes you depressed is that you had plans with your ex and the future all planned out. You imagined staying with your ex long-term and had no intention of leaving anytime soon. The breakup came as a surprise to you and made you give up on your thought-out plans immediately by force.
You didn’t have any fallback plans to rely on, so you experienced shock like never before.
The sudden change of plans required you to remove your ex from the equation and prioritize your own interests and goals. If your interests and goals were lacking, you fell deep into depression as your life (happiness) heavily depended on your ex. It lacked autonomy and purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
When you were with your ex, you could hide your lack of goals, ambition, or purpose behind the relationship. Now, you obviously can’t do that. There’s no relationship to hide behind, so you’re forced to face your flaws and insecurities head-on.
If you had self-confidence problems even before the breakup, the breakup will make you aware of them. It will tell you that you consider yourself unattractive and that you’ll stay single for a long time if not forever. This kind of thinking severely influences your emotional recovery and post-breakup development.
You have to snap out of it if you want your ex or anyone else to see your worth and love you. You have to become the best version of yourself and exude your confidence and self-worth.
Breakups also make dumpees lose their identity. They stop them from understanding who they are and what they’re supposed to do in their lives, so they question their reasons for existing and spiral into depression. They typically need a few months to regain their identity and make their identity independent of their ex.
Dumpees need to:
- get used to not talking to their ex
- stop using words and inside jokes related to their ex
- stop engaging in activities that remind them of their ex
- take up new hobbies
- make new friends
- learn their importance
Once they regain their identity and feel happy with who they are, they stop feeling depressed rather quickly and perhaps even feel thankful for getting dumped. Those who work on themselves and find new hobbies and people to keep themselves busy with don’t wish to reconcile and risk losing their identity again.
They’re happy with who they are and what they’ve accomplished.
Obsession with their ex caused by rejection also contributes to their depression. The longer they obsess over their ex, the more they miss their ex and need their ex to be close to them. If they spend most of their time talking to their ex, checking their social media, scrolling through old conversations, or doing anything that makes them look for information that could help them reunite with their ex, they stay anxious and depressed.
Post-breakup obsession is normal. But if dumpees intentionally analyze things and refuse to let go of hope, they stay depressed longer than dumpees who focus on themselves and avoid post-breakup mistakes. Nothing makes them more depressed than begging their ex for affection and getting rejected over and over again.
Each time they see that their ex doesn’t love them and want them back, they sink further into depression and love themselves less.
People often associate relationships with success and purpose, so they think it’s a weakness not to be in a relationship. Although the opposite is true (if it’s by choice), they think they must have someone’s constant approval in order to think positively about themselves. Such people need to change their perceptions of relationships and focus harder on self-love.
All in all, the majority of dumpees fall into depression after the breakup. They go through the dumpee stages of the breakup during which they blame themselves, experience intrusive thoughts and overwhelming anxiety, and feel angry with their ex. They can’t avoid feeling depressed because it’s a part of the acceptance and letting go process.
Having said that, here’s an infographic explaining why breakups cause depression.
Who gets depressed the most?
Dumpees who experience the highest levels of depression and anxiety don’t love themselves and lack understanding of breakups (make mistakes). They keep contacting their ex and trying to change their ex’s mind about the breakup. They don’t know that dumpers are incapable of seeing things their way and caring about their one-sided feelings.
If their exes aren’t the most patient and empathetic people, they suffer immensely as their exes’ reactions cause them to face reality and lose hope very quickly.
Codependent dumpees also experience gut-wrenching depression. They don’t know how to obtain the things they relied on their ex for, so they feel stuck and helpless. They keep hoping their ex will come back and solve their problems for them. As a result, they keep waiting and healing at a very slow rate.
We’ve also mentioned that a lack of non-relationship goals and ambitions is a big problem. Those who have nothing going on in their lives, lack meaningful friendships, feel lonely, or live without purpose tend to over-rely on their ex for direction in life—and feel forced to do something about their codependence issues. The breakup helps them become independent, but it also hurts them badly because it pressures them to find healthy/acceptable solutions quickly.
So if you want to know what dumpees get depressed the most, it’s dumpees who see relationships as a means of solving problems. Dumpees who rely on others for their problems get their hearts ripped out of their ribcages and often need professional help to recover.
They need a lot of time (typically years) because they have to detach from their ex and become (emotionally) independent. They have more work to do than dumpees who had their life figured out and loved themselves sufficiently at the time of the breakup.
If you entered the relationship to boost your self-esteem, you should figure out why your self-esteem was low in the first place. Was it your parents’ upbringing, the environment you grew up in, or perhaps difficult relationships?
Whatever it was, it’s important to understand the root cause of your self-esteem issues. When you know the reason you think and feel the way you do, you can begin to heal from the pain you’ve suffered in the past and carried into the present.
How long does breakup depression last?
Breakup depression varies for each dumpee. Some dumpees need weeks whereas others need months. It depends on their coping, self-lpve, mechanisms, and the things they do after the breakup. If they keep talking to their ex and hoping to get another chance, they keep their hopes up and stay depressed for a long time (sometimes even for years).
Their poor decisions force them to keep going on emotional rollercoasters and prevent them from recovering.
But if they stay away from their ex and do their best to detach, then they typically get out of depression within a few months. A few months are enough to stop feeling like the world is ending. If they don’t stop feeling depressed, they at the very least notice that they’re nowhere near as hurt and desperate for affection as they were for the first few weeks after the breakup.
I know you don’t want to keep feeling so low any longer, but try to remember that healing takes time. If you’re adhering to the rules of no contact, you’re doing the most important thing, which is avoiding things that could trigger a painful emotional setback and delay your recovery. You’re respecting yourself enough to leave your ex alone and give yourself the love your ex chose not to.
So do what you can to not relapse and try not to set any deadlines. You’ll get over the breakup and out of depression when you’re ready for it. At the moment, you’re still processing things and need more time to fall back in love with yourself.
Once you’ve reconnected with yourself, your ex won’t matter or matter as much as he or she currently does. He or she will become just an ex you dated in the past.
On average, dumpees need 8 months to get over their ex. But they get out of depression much quicker. If I remember correctly, it took me about 2 months and a half to get out of depression. But because I dated someone else and rebounded, I fell back into depression for another month.
You should avoid dating when you’re depressed and clearly not ready for it. Date only when you have the energy and desire to start a new serious relationship. You’ll have plenty of time to connect with others when you’re over or almost over your ex.
How to get out of the depression caused by a breakup?
There is no quick way to get out of depression caused by a former partner. You’ll have to learn what works and doesn’t for you while avoiding breakup mistakes. This means no talking to your ex and asking for attention and affection. You’ll have to act as if your ex doesn’t exist and find a healthy way to deal with your pain.
Start by surrounding yourself with supportive people. Friends and family usually help a lot as long as they empathize. If they don’t or if you need more help, you can always talk to a mental health expert. He or she may recommend therapy or antidepressants, both of which can make a big difference.
Your mental health professional may also suggest journaling. Many dumpees neglect the power of putting their thoughts and feelings down on a piece of paper. They think it’s pointless, but I think it’s a great tool, especially for those who don’t have a lot of people to talk to or whose friends don’t listen.
Journaling helps depressed and anxious dumpees express themselves and feel better about their difficult situation. Although depression reappears after a while, it can be a reliable method for coping with stress when supportive people are unavailable or unreliable.
You must remember that you’re learning to regain your identity and that you’ll need some time to do that. The best way to go about it is to set some new goals, take up new hobbies, and establish new routines. Get plenty of sleep and exercise as well. They’ll replace the absence of happy hormones caused by your ex’s abandonment and make it a little bit easier to cope with the breakup blues.
Meditation, yoga, praying, and self-development may also help. Every little thing adds up. As long as you stay in no contact and avoid alcohol, drugs, and other addictive substances, you’ll eventually get out of depression and move on with your life.
You won’t continue to spend crazy amounts of time thinking about your ex and convincing yourself you’re undeserving of love and a relationship.
So do things that are good for you, and life will get better. You won’t realize incremental changes in thinking and feeling, but give yourself time to detach and you will soon realize that you haven’t thought about your ex in a while.
When you haven’t thought about your ex, you’ll know that you’ve gotten through the worst and that you’re capable of enjoying your life without your ex.
What do you think? Can a breakup cause depression? How long did your depression last? Comment below and let us know.
And if you want help dealing with depression, get in touch, and we’ll do our best to help.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
