There’s a lot of conflicting information on the internet about how long the no contact rule is supposed to be. Some no contact advocates claim it shouldn’t last longer than two weeks whereas others say it should be implemented for 30 days or longer.
People suggest different things not because they have different experiences with no contact but because they want to be unique and attract potential customers. They want their audience to purchase their services and (with their help) get their ex back as quickly as possible.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of experience and morals-lacking charlatans on the internet. Many of them don’t just sell false hope but also cause tons of problems for dumpees. They make dumpees believe they can take control of the breakup if they listen to their advice and implement their techniques.
In truth, all their advice does is make them expect better and quicker results and get them more attached to the desired outcome.
There’s a saying that if something is too good to be true, it probably is. We’d all like to reach our goals as quickly as we can with the least amount of patience and effort. But just because we want it, that doesn’t mean we’ll get it.
If we try to rush things, we tend to achieve the opposite results as we mess up the natural process and make people uncomfortable.
Therefore, no contact shouldn’t be based on a pre-set number of days suggested by someone who lacks insight into your ex’s mind. Every ex/breakup is unique. It’s nearly impossible to tell when the dumper will process the breakup and improve his or her opinion of you.
If I learned anything over the years, it’s that it’s better to accept a breakup and move on rather than try to control the situation. As difficult as it is, you must respect your ex and love yourself enough not to break no contact prematurely and try to get your ex to feel something for you.
If you were capable of making your ex feel love and regret just by reaching out and saying certain words, it would be almost too easy. Reconciliations would be just a matter of when to reach out and what to say. Everyone could get their ex back—even those who threatened their ex and got a restraining order against them.
That’s what fraudulent coaches want you to believe.
They don’t want you to be in charge of your thoughts and feel powerful on your own because then you wouldn’t need them. And if you didn’t need them, you wouldn’t fill their pockets and give them reasons to exist.
I want you to think with your own head rather than believe things that sound good but aren’t good. I want you to invest in yourself and learn why the breakup happened and what you can do not to make things any worse.
If you retain your post-breakup value, I guarantee that you’ll do the most you can. You’ll look better than if you reach out after a few weeks of no contact just because someone told you your ex would be the most “vulnerable” or receptive.
In all honesty, the dumper is the most receptive when he or she reaches out and needs something from you. Whether it’s support, validation, stress relief, money, or love, your ex will tell you or show you what he or she wants or needs when your ex (not you) breaks no contact and seeks something from you.
That’s when you can tell that your ex’s thinking has changed and that your ex found a reason to contact you.
Now, do bear in mind that your ex could reach out for selfish/meaningless reasons as well. Your ex could contact you just to see what you’re up to and how you feel about him or her (if you’re over the breakup and ready to be friends).
In that case, you should go back to no contact by letting your ex know you want to focus on yourself.
You want to keep your ex away from you as long as you want your ex back and your ex doesn’t want you back. That means you must avoid text-your-ex-back programs, spells to get your ex back, and other limited no contact rules that keep your hopes up and make you reach out after a while.
The 30-day no contact rule seems to be the most popular no contact rule. It’s short enough to keep you hooked on your ex and make you reach out when the time is up. There are also other variants of this rule such as the 60-day no contact rule, but most people don’t fall for it.
It’s too long for them because they’re scared their ex will find someone else and move on for good.
So if you want to know how long the no contact rule is, it’s not 15, nor 60 days. No contact is indefinite as your ex could realize your worth in a week or never. It depends on many factors, most of which are out of your ability to control.
The most you can do as a dumpee is avoid making breakup mistakes, move on, and preserve your worth. If you do that, your ex could become nostalgic about you and envy your success not when you reach a certain number of no contact days but when your ex cools off and finds a reason to miss you.
A reason to miss you as a partner could be any painful, thought-provoking failure that makes you look reliable, lovable, and better than your ex made you out to be.
Time on its own can help your ex process some negative thoughts and emotions, but it’s unlikely that time will make your ex reflect on important things and cause regret. Regret usually arises as a result of a negative incident or a sequence of unpleasant occurrences.
Something or someone needs to ruin your ex’s post-breakup plans and expectations and ruin your ex’s happiness. You can’t be the person who tries to do that. If you are, your ex will likely retaliate and make you regret cutting no contact short.
I can’t say what your ex will do, but it will likely hurt you badly and make you feel ridiculous for trying to get back together on your terms. So do your best to stay reasonable and avoid overly hopeful ex-back advice. Listen to advice that is hard to hear, but good for you.
In this post, we shed some light on the duration of the no contact rule and share some important tips along the way.
How long is the no contact rule?
If you want to know how long the no contact rule should be, bear in mind it should be as long as it takes you to heal or for your ex to contact you. If your ex contacts you after a week of silence and doesn’t want you back, that doesn’t mean you should go full contact and try to “win” your ex back.
It means your ex has reached out for non-reconciliation purposes and that you must go back to no contact. By resuming no contact, you’ll avoid clinging to your ex for hope and prioritize your healing over your ex’s non-essential matters.
However, if your ex doesn’t reach out at all or if you healed but don’t respect your ex, then no contact should be permanent. You should stay out of touch with your ex forever and talk to people you value and respect.
There is no obligation or requirement that suggests you must remain friends and/or keep in touch with your ex-partner. Your only requirement as a person who was left is to detach from your ex and get back on your feet.
Once you’ve recovered completely and have no more romantic expectations of your ex, you can do what you want. You can reach out, ask for friendship/friendship with benefits, meet up for coffee, and go on vacation if you’d like.
I don’t care what you do if interacting with your ex doesn’t hurt you and complicate your or others’ lives.
But as long as you’re struggling to love yourself and let go, I urge you to stick to the rules of no contact. Stay away from your ex and put your ex in charge of the reconciliation process. Your ex was the one who left, so naturally, your ex must be the one who returns and wants you back.
It can’t be the other way around because it will make you look weak and unattractive. If you want your ex to be with you, you have to do no contact until your ex has improved his or her perception of you and decided to give the relationship another chance.
You’ll know your ex is ready for a relationship again when your ex puts the work in and shows you how sorry he or she is for leaving the relationship and thinking he or she could be happier without you.
If your ex doesn’t reach out and express or show you regret, you shouldn’t do that either. You should focus on yourself and let your ex think and feel what he or she wants. Never do the work for your ex and expect him or her to be thankful for it.
Dumpers don’t appreciate dumpees who invite themselves to reach out and talk about the breakup. They think poorly of such exes as their exes force conversations they’re not ready for. Most of the time, they respond late or lose patience and interest very quickly.
They feel that their exes don’t respect their need for space and privacy and that they needn’t treat their exes with respect either. They can just respond impulsively and go back to focusing on themselves.
So if you think you’ve done no contact long enough and feel that staying in no contact will hurt your chances of being with your ex, do your best not to act on your fears and urges. Remember that your ex would have reached out if he or she wanted to talk about getting back together.
Your ex would have taken the initiative, reached out, and secured a place in your heart. Since your ex isn’t afraid of losing you permanently (not even to someone else), you mustn’t be afraid of losing your ex either.
You must stay true to your course and keep detaching from the person who destroyed your ability to love yourself.
Besides, you’ve already lost your ex and the benefits he or she provided. You can’t lose anything else. But you can get rejected again and make healing difficult for yourself.
If you reach out and try to make your ex fall back in love with you, you could make your ex feel pressured and offended and force a negative response out of him or her. That response could then affect your self-esteem and delay your recovery.
Hence, it may be best not to provoke your ex. Instead of ending no contact when you want to and pinning your expectations onto your ex, it’s much safer to let your ex reach out when your ex is ready. That way, you’ll know for certain your ex wants to talk to you and won’t get smothered and annoyed easily.
So if you’re wondering how long the no contact rule is, no contact is indefinite. Its length doesn’t depend on the dumpee but rather on the dumper’s ability to process negative feelings, let go of the past, and feel a desire or need to communicate with the dumpee.
If the dumper has decent coping mechanisms and believes exes shouldn’t communicate post-breakup, you probably won’t hear from the dumper for a while (if ever). That’s because the dumper will do his or her best to behave according to his or her beliefs and find other people to spend time with and rely on.
The dumper will reach out only when he or she has a reason (an incentive) to reach out. He or she may or may not disclose the reason for reaching out because your ex could breadcrumb you and refuse to tell you that he or she just feels bored, guilty, or curious about you.
If your ex is sincere and wants to help you or be with you, your ex will let you know that.
Sooner than later, he or she will explain the reasons for breaking no contact and disturbing your healing process. All you have to do is listen to what your ex has to say. If your ex doesn’t tell you voluntarily, ask your ex why he or she contacted you.
Once you’ve learned your ex’s reasons for contacting you, you have a decision to make. Either get back together or ask for space.
With that said, here’s why the no contact rule is indefinite.
What if my ex moves on during no contact?
You must understand that your ex has already moved on. He or she lost feelings long before the breakup happened. Your ex just didn’t tell you how he or she felt or didn’t feel due to fear of receiving an unwanted reaction from you.
Your ex chose not to be honest with you because he/she believed it was the safer option.
If your ex doesn’t reach out after a year or two of no contact, it doesn’t mean that you did something wrong and wasted your chance. All it means is that your ex focused on other people and things and didn’t feel the desire or need to converse.
It has nothing to do with you unless you made a lot of breakup mistakes and made it extremely difficult for your ex to respect you and want to stay in touch.
Bear in mind that most dumpees don’t hear from their ex because their ex associates negative beliefs with them and gets busy with life. He or she doesn’t worry about the past because the present is enjoyable or manageable.
The dumper reaches out and breadcrumbs when he or she wants help with something. Something like guilt, anxiety, or curiosity.
Likewise, the dumper contacts the dumpee and expresses the desire to get back together when things get difficult; when he or she realizes life won’t be any better without the dumpee. That’s when the dumper switches from defense to offense and does everything in his or her power to get another shot with the dumpee.
If your ex doesn’t come back during no contact, it may not be what you want, but that’s okay. You’ll eventually stop feeling dependent on your ex for happiness and see that your ex’s absence no longer affects you.
You’ll learn to rely on yourself instead of your ex and create a fulfilling life without your ex. You probably don’t want to hear this right now, but it’s true. You won’t always feel this constant need to reconnect with your ex.
When you’ve regained your rationality and independence, you’ll see that no contact did its job as it made you realize who and what’s important to you. No contact will let you stop obsessing about your ex and help you get your happy self back.
So while you’re still counting on no contact to bring your ex back, I suggest that you slowly prepare yourself for the possibility that your ex might not reach out or ask to get back together. Accept that some exes don’t come back and that it’s not the end of your life if they don’t.
It’s the beginning of new, possibly better opportunities. Give yourself some time, and you’ll see that the longer you stay in no contact, the better you feel.
What’s your opinion on no contact? How long do you think the no contact rule should be? Post your thoughts in the comments area below.
And if you’re not sure how long you should stay in no contact and want our help, reach out to us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
