Updated on September 1, 2025
Fearful avoidants are complicated because they’re scared of getting too close yet also frightened of being too distant. They want to stay in the sweet spot—the Goldilocks Zone, where they feel in control of the relationship’s pace and can step in if things move too fast or too slow.
This Goldilocks Zone gives them just the right balance of attention and effort—enough to feel cared for, but not so much that they feel smothered. It’s their way of maintaining control while keeping their fears of abandonment and closeness at bay.
Every fearful avoidant is different in terms of wants, needs, feelings, and behavior. Some like more space, whereas others prefer a bit more affection. But there’s one thing all fearful avoidants have in common. They all want to feel respected, safe, and in control of their thoughts and emotions.
If they feel that their partner is pulling away or, conversely, overstepping their boundaries, they tend to react strongly (emotionally). By reacting strongly, they express that they aren’t happy with their partner’s level of interest or investment and that they want to be treated differently – in a way that they’re used to being treated. Anything other than what they’re used to and happy with is unacceptable to them, forcing them to take back control by force.
In simple words, fearful avoidants want attention and love, but only when they get them on their terms. They have a very unique understanding of love and relationships (of what’s normal and healthy), so they get overwhelmed when their wants and needs aren’t being met or are overmet. Because they swing between wanting more and wanting less, they often come across as bipolar and unpredictable in relationships.
People generally steer away from them and look for partners who are more consistent, stable, and predictable.
Those who fall in love with them often do so because of the push-pull dynamic. One day, they feel close and crave even more closeness, but the next, they feel pushed away and left wondering what went wrong. Did they do something to upset their partner, or is their partner going through a difficult time?
They can’t tell if it’s them or if something else is stopping their partner from opening up emotionally, loving them, and committing. That’s why they get anxious and try harder to obtain their partner’s recognition. They reach out more, ask what’s wrong, and try to solve their fearful-avoidant problems for them. Little do they know that their partner is scared of relationships and the vulnerability that comes with them.
The fearful avoidant person is scared of letting him/herself get emotionally close to his or her partner, mainly due to the fear of getting abandoned and hurt. Conversely, he or she also fears losing the relationship and being all alone.
Therefore, neither being in an emotionally close relationship nor being without one truly makes the avoidant happy. The avoidant simply wants a relationship in which he or she feels supported and safe. Bonding deeply or breaking up is not something he or she desires or feels comfortable with.
That’s why a relationship with a fearful avoidant often feels stagnant and unfulfilling. The avoidant isn’t ruled by a genuine desire to connect and reach relationship goals together, but rather by fear. Fear that prevents the relationship from growing.
A relationship can’t grow when a couple constantly experiences fears, doubts, and repeated arguments. It can grow when both parties actively work on their shortcomings and make each other aware of them. Understanding and patience can make them work together rather than against each other.
If you got dumped by your avoidant ex and you’re now wondering how to get a fearful avoidant back, the most important thing you need to understand is that you won’t get this person back with determination alone. You won’t be able to attract your ex by reaching out, getting emotional, and telling him or her that you understand the problem and want to make things right.
If you get emotional and let your emotions speak loudly, you’ll only trigger your ex’s avoidant tendencies and scare him or her off. That will likely tempt your ex to push you away even harder and, in the process, lower your chances of reconciliation.
Your best chance of reattracting an avoidant ex is not by getting closer to your ex, but by getting further away. If you back off and give your ex space to process things, your ex might, at some point in the future (I don’t know when), process the breakup, stop needing space, and become fearful. That means your ex could stop feeling overwhelmed by your expectations or demands and stop running away from emotions he never understood/faced.
If your ex works on him/herself, your ex might even get rid of his or her avoidant tendencies and appreciate everything you’ve done for the relationship. That might happen, provided he or she fails to find happiness without you and realizes you were always there for him or her.
Your avoidant ex is much more likely to realize that he/she has lost a great person if the fear of losing you and being single overshadows the fear of getting too close to you. The fear of loss and unhappiness could incentivize your ex to recommit to you and perhaps even allow your ex to have a more fulfilling relationship.
So instead of sending your ex letters, flowers, and paragraphs of texts (basically pestering your ex like he or she is the last person on Earth), give your ex space to think clearly. Remember that the avoidant part of your ex is currently incapable of facing the emotions you made him or her feel in the past.
Until your ex learns to deal with those emotions and wants to be a part of your life again, you must let your fearful avoidant ex have the space he or she asked for. This means no texting, calling, checking up on your ex, or offering to help. This isn’t something your ex wants your help with. Your ex wants to be left alone to self-prioritize and not be afraid of commitment, responsibility, and emotional investment.
I can tell you right now that your ex won’t become nostalgic and regretful as long as he or she considers you emotionally exhausting. Your ex must first change his or her perception of you and become afraid of losing you for good.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t fear losing you. He or she actually wants to stay away from you and feel in control of his or her life. Staying away allows your ex to focus on things he or she deems as more important and gives your ex time to miss you.
When your ex misses you (romantically, not just as a friend), your ex will initiate the reconciliation process. This includes calling, texting, and saying or doing various attention-seeking, trust-earning things remorseful dumpers usually do. Your ex will do whatever it takes to start a new relationship and once again feel safe and validated.
By getting back with you, your ex will instantly get rid of the pain and uncertainty he or she encountered in your absence and slowly rebuild trust and try to move past the abandonment.
As for the avoidance issues, your ex will worry about them as soon as he or she reconnects emotionally and once again experiences similar issues. Don’t expect your ex’s fearful avoidance to disappear on its own. If your ex doesn’t work on it, it’ll come back alongside your ex.
The chance of your ex resolving them after the breakup without a good reason is rather small. Most dumpers start working on themselves when things don’t go their way. And things don’t go their way when they stop feeling relieved from the breakup and encounter unpredictable problems they lack solutions to.
That’s when they engage in thorough self-reflection and discern if they broke up with their ex due to their own faults.
In this post, we’ll discuss how to get a fearful avoidant back after he or she left you.
How to get a fearful avoidant back?
To get a fearful avoidant back, you must understand how fearful avoidants function at their core. Understanding their attachment style is the key, as misunderstanding it will set you up for failure, even if you end up getting back together. Too much affection or closeness will overwhelm them, while too much distance will make them feel neglected.
You’ll struggle to find a healthy balance because you’ll naturally feel eager for connection and understanding. At some point, you’ll probably lose your cool and once again make your fearful avoidant ex feel the need to self-prioritize.
Fearful avoidants can be incredibly confusing. Sometimes they act completely “normal,” and other times they pull away. They want a relationship where they feel comfortable, yet at the same time, they don’t want to be too needed or prioritized. On the one hand, they crave the same things from a relationship that people with secure attachments do. But on the other hand, they want their own space and privacy to live comfortably without any pressure or guilt.
That push-pull, back and forth, is what makes them so unpredictable and hard to understand and work with.
If you want your fearful avoidant to come back, you have to keep in mind that reuniting with a fearful avoidant could take quite some time and even more self-control. You’ll need to let your ex go for a while (to provide him or her with a sense of freedom and control) and prove that you don’t emotionally depend on anyone, especially your ex for happiness and well-being.
That’s the only way you’ll ease your ex’s immense need for space and increase his or her desire to bond and commit.
Of course, your ex won’t realize your romantic worth and return just because you aren’t reaching out and engaging in conversation for a week or two. That’s unlikely, as your ex will feel good about having lots of space and time to think and do what he or she wants.
At first, your ex will be glad you’re not reaching out and making the breakup more difficult for both of you. Your ex will like it.
But as time passes and your ex stops craving space, your ex might start to think about whether you’re happy or perhaps even happier because of the breakup. Space in no contact will start to have a reverse psychology effect on your ex, forcing your ex to reflect on what he or she has lost and question his or her decisions.
That curiosity and doubt might soften your ex’s defences and make your ex more open to reconnecting. Of course, this is all just theory. Your ex might also not fail miserably, fail to reflect, and never realize your worth. If your ex feels victimized and has a tendency to blame people and avoid reflection, your ex may not get hurt enough to want your help and closeness.
Your ex might decide to move forward instead and eventually start dating someone else. Someone your ex doesn’t feel scared or overwhelmed by.
That relationship will be far from perfect, but the point is that your ex might not choose you as his or her romantic investment (partner).
In order for your fearful avoidant ex to come back, your ex will have to go through the same stages dumpers go through and discern that you were a good, supportive, and reliable partner. Your ex will have to regret losing you and think that he or she will stay unhappy as long as things remain as they are.
The only thing that makes your ex stand out from other types of dumpers who come back is that your ex is fearful and a bit more likely to get affected by a fear of loss and abandonment, compared to other dumpers. Your ex has unresolved childhood fears, which implies your ex is more susceptible to stress and anxiety. Your ex’s coping mechanisms increase your ex’s chance of reflection when things take a turn for the worse.
That means getting a fearful avoidant back is largely a waiting game. It’s a test of patience and self-control that pushes your separation anxiety, fears, and self-control to the limit.
Reuniting with an ex who has a different attachment style requires your ex to realize that you’re not incompatible. The dumper must acknowledge that your emotional needs can align if you want them to and that the relationship can work. But for it to work, you must improve your mindset and do what the relationship requires of you.
Dumpers of all attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or secure ones) can learn their lessons and notice that they’d made a hasty decision to leave. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, they regret it and find a strong emotional incentive to return. That incentive is 99% of the time created by a need to bond rather than just a want. Needs outweigh wants (desires) as they command dumpers to take the initiative and make things right.
In other words, the dumper is forced to learn that he or she isn’t perfect (that he/she has things to work on) and that his or her happiness depends on reuniting with the dumpee.
As I mentioned before, it can take the dumper a long time to reach this conclusion. We’re talking about months or years of time. Only the most fearful or insecure dumpers come running back days or weeks after the breakup. Most dumpers, unfortunately, need to learn their lessons the hard way. The hard way includes painful (romantic) failures that show them they’re not as desirable as they thought they were.
So if you want to know how to get your fearful avoidant ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back, bear in mind that there is no such thing as getting an ex back on your terms. There is only “getting your ex back on the dumper’s terms.” That’s because the only way the dumper will see your worth, take you seriously, and improve his or her fearful avoidant thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is if you stop telling your ex what to do and let him or her fail and take charge.
Your ex will want you back when you accept the breakup, preserve your value, and let your ex come back to you to feel important, safe, and fulfilled.
My advice is to get thoughts like, “I need to do something to get my fearful avoidant ex back,” out of your head. Remember that it’s your anxiety speaking, telling you to act on emotions (fears), and that your actions will likely trap your ex and make him or her feel even less eager to be with you. Your ex won’t find you attractive when you exude low self-esteem and lack respect and self-respect.
Respect is earned, not given.
It’s difficult to give your avoidant ex what he or she needs when emotions run high. But you need to do it regardless. As long as your ex needs space and thinks you’re incompatible as partners, your ex is emotionally incapable of redeveloping feelings for you. If you talk to your ex, your ex will get more and more irritated by you and could eventually stop responding.
When that happens, you’ll feel rejected and hurt again. So much so that you suffer a painful emotional setback and regret making avoidable breakup mistakes. You might even turn into a beggar or get angry and ruin things for good.
That’s why there’s only one way to handle a fearful avoidant ex-partner. And that way includes moving forward and not looking back. Your ex needs space to feel respected and to truly sense your absence.
You must let your ex feel that way so that he or she can go through the detachment process at his or her own pace. When your ex processes everything there is to process, your ex might realize that he or she took you for granted and gave up due to his or her poor relationship mentality, caused by unpleasant childhood experiences.
The future is uncertain, but if you want to know how to get a fearful avoidant back, you must respect his or her boundaries. Start by distancing yourself from your ex and letting your ex process things. With time, you’ll both see things more clearly and feel differently.
Having said that, here are 6 things to do to get your fearful avoidant ex back.
Making a fearful avoidant miss you isn’t easy, but luckily, there’s something you can do to increase your chances. You can start the indefinite no contact rule, which essentially means cutting your ex off and refusing to act on anxiety. No calling, texting, or stalking your ex’s social media profiles. It’s time to unplug yourself from your ex’s life and live as if your ex doesn’t exist.
If I said no contact is hard, I’d be sugarcoating it. No contact is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life, as you’ll feel agonizing pain and an overwhelming desire to communicate with your ex. You’ll lack control, so you’ll feel the need to regain it.
No contact is difficult, but that’s exactly why no contact has the highest chance of success. It can make your ex see you’re handling the breakup well and that you value yourself.
Space and self-respect could make your avoidant ex curious about you and trigger nostalgia and regret. So make sure to distance yourself from your ex and let your ex process the breakup naturally at his/her own pace and think about you when life gives him or her lemons.
Fearful avoidant behavior during no contact
No contact with a fearful avoidant isn’t much different than no contact with a regular ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. The truth is, it’s exactly the same. An ex who doesn’t want to be with you needs time to himself/herself and doesn’t deserve relationship benefits without commitment.
The man or woman deserves only the gift of missing you. That’s what he or she asked for by breaking up with you and letting you fend for yourself. If your ex senses that you miss and need him or her significantly more than he or she misses and needs you, you can forget about reattracting your fearful avoidant ex. It doesn’t matter if you do no contact or not.
You won’t be successful at impressing your ex because your ex will feel your desperation and get close to people whose loyalty he or she has to work for.
Exes (especially avoidants) respect and desire only those who want them as much or less than they want them. Anyone who wants them more repulses them and makes them run for the hills. Avoidants or fearful avoidants consider desperation weak and unattractive. They can’t connect with people and see themselves staying with them long term.
They feel that those people don’t understand them and that they must find someone who does.
So if you’re eager to learn how to get a fearful avoidant back during no contact, don’t choose an aggressive approach and start reattracting your ex by chatting with your ex, talking to your ex’s friends and family, or bragging on social media about your new life. Your ex won’t take the bait because your ex won’t be ready to learn more about you and be with you.
The only time your ex will be ready to change his or her opinion of you and feel something for you is when your ex spends some time away from you and discerns that losing you was a mistake.
That’s when your ex will show you or tell you (probably both) that life without you isn’t the same as before and that he or she would like you back as a friend or more than a friend. Yes, you could easily get friend-zoned by your ex because that’s what exes who miss only the friendship aspect do. They throw friendship at their ex’s face due to the fear of losing all the relationship benefits.
If that happens to you, you have to say that you’re not ready for friendship and that you need more time to focus on your wants and needs. That should keep your ex away from you, retain your value, and regain your strength, purpose, and health.
So whatever you do, don’t settle for friendship (or friendship with benefits) and let your fearful avoidant ex be avoidant again. Instead of letting your ex be in charge, stand up for yourself, get your lost power back, and keep moving forward with your life.
If your ex comes back, it will be when your ex sees that you have what it takes to take care of yourself and enjoy life without your ex in it.
Your fearful avoidant ex may eventually become afraid of losing you. Your job is to hold on until that moment or until you’ve moved on. Either way, you’ll reach a point where you get what you need to be happy and stop obsessing over how to win your ex back.
Do you agree with what you should do to get a fearful avoidant ex back? Do you have any suggestions or comments to share with us? Let us know below the post.
And also, if you’re looking for individual advice regarding your fearful avoidant ex, get in touch by subscribing to our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Thank you very much. I will.
Hi Zan,
New to this…
any advice appreciated
Ex (fearful avoidant) came back after no contact. Came back slow at first with a weekly call or text- I had no expectations and kept things casual. He pursued and in the last two weeks he told me how much he was hurting how much he missed me how much he felt that he sabotaged our relationship, how empty he feels inside and we had some really beautiful emotional connections. He then initiated a weekend together. He wanted to take me away for a night to a place that we had visited before. I knew it was too much too soon and should have suggested lunch first, but I got excited and accepted his invitation. Next day, he said he was having second thoughts. I asked a few questions and he said he felt suffocated and wasn’t ready. He does not want no contact again but it was all too much too soon (though it was all his idea- i did prob get overly excited). He’s probably having a vulnerability hangover. I tried to convince him to just has coffee then (mistake) but when he said ‘not yet’ I said ‘ok, I’m confused but moving on. no hard feelings.’
Now 2 days later I haven’t heard another word. I’m heartbroken again but continuing to heal. Could he continue to pursue after this? I just read your advice and will apply it but curious your insight.
and just to add, we had previously been in a two-year committed relationship. Feelings were really strong, but there was some push pull and anxiety on my part that drove him away
Hi Jane.
He could come back again, but he could also leave again. He has left twice now, which indicates a lot of doubt. If he does return, you must take control of reconciliation and make him work for your trust rather than getting excited and forgiving him on the spot. A breakup is a serious thing. Don’t make him think he can come back whenever he wants. That will prevent him from taking you seriously.
Keep me posted.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zan, i have been in a relation with an FA for 7 months ( 4 months dating and 3 months engaged). One months before the break up , he came up to me after an argument saying he can’t continue with this relation and that he doesn’t feel ok.
In a period of a week he changed his mind about the break up and said we could try working it out.
We stayed together for 3 weeks and he used to say i really love u but his actions didn’t align. He was pulling away. He got me a gift and then a week later he broke up with me.
After the break up, he sent me telling me i want u to know that the break up isn’t ur fault, it all about me and my fears and that u r a good person so don’t lose your self to this break up , wish u all the best. I replied by wish u all the best too. So zan can u tell me is their any chance for him coming back?
Is their a rebound in his life thats why he acted as such?
Hi H.
It could be that he met someone else. But if he’s a FA, the problem is his fear of commitment and lack of determination. He probably won’t come back in the near future. If he does, he’ll probably leave again.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey zan,
I have now done a month of no contact.
But i am getting these concerns, that my fiancee didn’t know that he was FA neither did i. All he knew was that he had issues from the past that made him scared because of relatives experiences about marriage.
My question is How can he come back after a break up if he thinks that all the anxiety he used to feel was because of me and not because of his past wounds and the fact that he is an FA and he needs therapy. Sometimes i get thoughts that i should contact him and break no contact and explain he is an FA and guide him so i can get him back.
He broke up with me as soon as he had this argument that triggered his anxiety ( wounds). Two days later, after the argument he asked for a break up but then he told me lets give the relationship a chance and that he still loves but his words didnt align with his actions. After 3 weeks exactly he broke up with me for good.
Please tell me why are u saying he won’t come back in the near future? And what do u think about breaking no contact and make him understand that he is an FA and he needs therapy to solve our relationship issues?
Thanks zan
Hi H.
He needs to realize his faults and come back on his own. You shouldn’t do anything to make him discover his flaws. If he can’t find them, he’s not the right partner for you. Don’t break no contact. He won’t believe you even if you rationalize with him. His behavior shows he is done.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi zan,
I received a text two days ago from his relative sending me a video about dismissive avoidants and why they are acting in such a way and that the family of the avoidant will like his girl but he would have issues due to his triggers. His relative said that she send me this video cuz she thought this might help me.
I replied by saying my fiancee was an fa and not Da and thanks for your video. Then later she asked me how i was doing so i replied saying doing fine. And thats it. Do u think i shouldn’t have replied her back in order not to break no contact? Or this doesn’t count as breaking no contact cuz it isnt him? Do u think he knows about her contacting me?
Thanks zan
Hi H.
Replying was okay. It doesn’t count as a breach of no contact. He probably knows or will shortly find out about the conversation you had with this person.
Kind regards,
Zan
Is it harder to get a FA back if you dump them? I broke up with my ex FA BF of 9 years (stonewalling) and did NC for a couple of months… Then I found out about Attachment Theory and felt terrible for not being more understanding.
Lately, I have initiated contact sporadically for concrete and non-personal reasons. He has replied at length each time but never initiates.
Then I called him, two weeks ago, and he was really nice. In many ways, it could have been any phone call between us… talking about family and friends. I broached the subject of the stonewalling toward the end of the call, but he said he did not want to talk about the breakup. I said that, if at some point in the future, he wanted to explain things from his perspective, that it would be helpful for me to learn and grow as a person… He said, okay, let’s talk later… but he never called…
I texted a week later to share good news and let him see that I was not upset because he did not call. He answered right away with congratulations. Now I am back to NC. In the past he would chase me after an argument… I never saw the Avoidant… I want him to have all the space he needs and, to be honest, I am exhausted.
Hi Perry.
If you want your ex back, you should talk to him. Tell him you regret leaving and that you understand where you went wrong. If he wants you back, he’ll take you back. But if he doesn’t, he’ll reject you and leave you with no choice but to go no contact. Bear in mind that no contact is for dumpees, not dumpers. Dumpers need to take the initiative and show interest in working things out.
Best regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me abruptly 2 weeks ago. A month prior we had an argument that went on and off for about 3 weeks, but we were able to mutually come to solution to the issue. After that everything was fine for weeks. He showered me with love and affection for weeks, even on the morning of the breakup. Then one random night, he drove to my place with only a handful of my things that I had at his house (I has a lot more at his house, he only bought a couple items), and broke up with me in the parking lot. His excuse was the last argument went on for a few weeks and it made him tense and that he can’t meet my needs (the argument was about emotional validation). I was completely blindsided because we solved the problem. I even saw the solution that we mutually came up with being implemented on his end, I thought we were having a breakthrough. I told him this and also that the argument that we had was the work that goes into a relationship and he didn’t say anything. I didnt argue with him and accepted his choice and left. While he was driving away he had tears coming down his face.
It all felt so impulsive. As if it wasn’t calculated, just an impulsive decision. Especially since he only bought a handful of the items I had at his house. The next day I sent a long list of all of the items I had left at his house and he dropped it off at the front desk of my apartment. I had a few more items I was missing so I text him another list the next day. The day after that, I reached out to him asking if we could have a closure conversation. In the text I reassured him that my intentions were not to change his mind for make him guilty, I just wanted understanding for my personal growth. I also reassured him that I love him, that he still mattered, and that I forgave him for hurting me in the way that he did. He responded that night that saying he would like to give me answers, but he is still processing. I let him know that I understood and that I will give him the space that he needs. I also let him know that the ball is in his court and that he should reach out he is ready. No response and we havent talked e. It’s been 1 week.
This all has been so confusing to me. The morning of the break up we were cuddling and laughing. Everything was going fine and then boom he breaks up with me that night. I just keep replaying him driving away with tears rolling down his face. I keep questioning did he really mean to do what he did? Were those tears of regret? Was this all impulsive? Was the love he showed me the weeks leading up to the breakup a lie? Also he was transparent about processing, does that mean if he is thinking over if his decision was the right or not? What are the chances of us getting back together?
I’m just really confused and heartbroken. We’ve had our arguments, but we had a truly beautiful relationship.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. How do you think this will all play out for me?
Hi Syd.
He had tears in his eyes becauase he felt bad for hurting you. The morning before the breakup, he was still trying to make things work. But deep inside, he had a lot of doubts and other difficult, relationship-breaking emotions. He hid them from you until he couldn’t anymore.
He’s not thinking about the decision. Processing means that he feels relieved and can’t think about the relationship. This isn’t an argument where he just needs a couple of hours of space. It’s a breakup, something he needs to stay away from.
For now, implement no contact so you can stop asking him questions he doesn’t want to answer. Don’t give him more power.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks a ton for your response Zan. Do you think he will ever come around? I mean based on the tears when he broke up with me and his response a couple of days later saying he’d like to provide answers, but was processing, do you think he will come back around and at least provide answers? Do you think he will ever regret his decision? I have been standing firm on no contact, but a part of me is wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Do you think he would ever consider reconciling the relationship?
Also wanted to add – in the relationship he was very vocal about our future. We were both on the same page on our timeline and what we wanted. We in no rush to do anything.
We aligned on all except like 1 core value. There was also a time he broke down crying when he dropped me off at the airport to go visit my family by myself because he was going to miss me. His family also loved me, his nieces and nephews were attached to me by the hip. He was always attentive to my needs. Always cooked for me. Only thing that was missing was emotional depth, but it felt like he was working on it and I saw improvements.
I just want to know if he will be gone from my life for good or if he will be back again sometime down the road? It’s so confusing on where these relationship ending emotions or doubts came from. We had arguments, but we always eventually came to an agreement. I can say that the last few months we argued a little more frequently, but I just don’t get how that can define 3 years. Everything was great.
Lastly, Do you think I messed up by sending letting him know that I still loved him and that when he is ready to talk to reach out? This was sent 3 days after the breakup and we haven’t talked since. He still follows me on social media and everything – although him and I really post.
Hi Syd.
Tears don’t say much. They show he didn’t like the situation he forced on you. He might provide answers, yes, but they’ll just be closure. You might not need them by the time he’s ready. It’s too early to tell if he’ll change his mind. For now, try to keep your hopes low.
You probably shouldn’t have told him you loved him because it overwhelmed him. But that won’t stop him from coming back. If he regrets leaving, he’ll contact you when he’s ready. At the moment, he’s going through the breakup stages and doesn’t want to come back. You must give him the space he needs and forget about him for a while. When you do, your chances of reconciliation will be the highest they can be.
Best regards,
Zan
Following up on this – I broke no contact yesterday to follow up on text I sent an almost an month ago about obtaining some sentimental items of mine that he still has since he never responded to my original message. I said:
“Following up on this – these are very sentimental to me and it’s important that I get both of these back. Will you be dropping them off at the front desk or mailing?
Sorry, not trying to be a nuisance or anything. I just need my things back.”
He responded with coldness “there are no plans to keep your items, when I can drop them off, I will”
I responded “ Okay, thanks a ton I really appreciate it. Was just checking in as a reminder since you never responded and it’s been almost a month. Definitely didn’t think you were trying to keep my things. I just figured you were out of town. I’m sorry if that bothered you, that wasn’t my intentions”
Did I just ruin my chances of possible reconciliation? My intentions of breaking NC was solely to get my things. Of course I’d like to reconcile in the future or at the bare minimum closure, but did I just ruin that but following up on the status of my items?
Hi Syd.
You didn’t ruin your chances because you didn’t reach out for unimportant reasons, but he does not seem to be ready to talk yet. He’s still cold and unreceptive. Hopefully, he understand you didn’t reach out for him and that he should be mature and give you your stuff back. From now on, avoid reaching out. Try to ask your or his friends for help.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi – would appreciate your thoughts.
Ex and I together 8 years and engaged for the last 3 (wedding cancelled due to COVID). Middle of 2022 he ended it saying he’s lost love for me, needs to sort himself out etc etc. A few weeks later he was in a relationship with his co-worker.
3 months later he ended his rebound/monkey-branch and asked me to try again. We talked about what had changed, what would need to be done and taking it slow. I said yes.
2 days later he said he didn’t trust me and that he believes in second chances but not now. I then found out he spent the following 2 months trying to get the rebound back. She refused.
Our house was sold and we had some really emotional meetings. Always ending with me doing the dumb thing of showing interest and him saying never say never.
It is now 1.5 years since the break up, 1 year since the ‘try again, then not’ and we still haven’t sorted the legal part of the separation and money. It all sits in a joint bank account we aren’t touching.
I have seen him a few times in the last 2 months to sort our things and he has been hot and cold with sharing information about his life, always stressing he has no friends and does nothing. He unloads his family dramas with me and I have been careful to show support by not problem solving or asking directly. Just responding.
However the last time I met him I found out he was spending time with an old boss who he used to despise and say the worst things about. Someone he was embarrassed to be associated with. I got upset and asked why the boss gets a million chances but not me. No reply.
He’s now overseas with his family for Christmas and deciding if he should move back there. His family liked me when we were together but he has lied to them about me since. Like he has lied about me to his only friend (who never got to meet me).
I feel I am at the end of my rope and just want to send him a message to say something like – I have been showing you that I am safe and on your side, happy to take things slow and be open and honest. But it hurts too much to see you give everyone else a chance but me when I am the one that has kept your secrets and supported you for years. I have apologised for the things I have done wrong in this process and have learned a lot about myself moving forward. You know where I am if you want to learn and move forward together.
Bad idea? I feel like his family are going to influence him a lot when at home.
Hi L.
It’s a bad idea because the guy already knows you’re ready to be together. Your preparedness kills his sense of urgency. Of course, you’re not solely responsible. The guy hasn’t done any reflecting and growing. He doesn’t see the value in being with you, which means your only option is to cut him off. You need to put yourself first so you an find someone who appreciates you fully.
You’d been with him for 8 years, but that doesn’t mean the relationship must continue. I think it needed to end so he could learn to value people and you to value yourself. You deserve better!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan. I’m in my 50s and had been with what I now believe to be a fearful aviloidant relationship for 2 years. We were very connected but then a few months ago lots of external pressure on her created a lot of stress within her.
She is dismissive of people has few real friends and yet is a loving generous woman whom I love very much. Her childhood had distant parents and later in life had a bad marriage.
I was blindsided and she dumped me 2 weeks ago. I pleaded then went into NC. I have a birthday soon. What should I do do if she wishes me happy birthday. It’s her birthday2 weeks later I had planned NC .
Are these the best course of action. How do I win her back even accepting her traits. I want to support her but perhaps I’m pushing her away.
If NC ends in 8 weeks should I then suggest that she reviews the FA traits and ask herself to consider recognizing them and then deciding if we can do this together.
She said she didn’t love me but wanted me as a friend but I told her I can’t be friends.
Thank you for your time in responding. I really love this woman. I’m concerned she will move on permanently if I stay NC and either way I am here for her and wouldn’t ever let her down.
Hi Chris.
If she wishes you happy birthday, respond politely but concisely. Don’t invite her over or talk about anything else. She might use it as an excuse to communicate and assuage guilt, so don’t get your hopes up. Just talk normally and go back to NC. You win her back by giving her the space she asked for.
If she wants you back in the future, you must demand that she works on herself. She can’t stay as she is or you’ll have another breakup and get hurt again. Also, no contact doesn’t end in 8 weeks. It ends when you’re ready for friendship or when she wants you back.
Sincerely,
Zan