No contact can be incredibly hard to maintain because of overwhelming anxiety.
Suddenly, your (now ex) girlfriend is no longer interested in you even though you still love her like crazy.
You are absolutely infatuated with this person as you are certain she is “the one and only” who can make you feel so alive.
But because you really love your ex, you’re willing to cross deserts and move mountains for her.
You probably started researching ways to get your ex back and eventually came across the notorious no contact rule.
In short, no contact is a restriction that prohibits direct and indirect communication with your ex, stalking online and in real life, and showing her in any shape and form that you’re thinking about her.
It’s the strictest rule you will ever have to follow as you will likely fight against every fiber in your body not to reach out.
The rule requires unimaginable discipline, perseverance, and determination.
Since no contact is so hard to pull off, it yields the highest results you can possibly achieve with your ex-girlfriend.
Not only could she come back to you in the, but no contact might also give you the ability to cultivate amazing skills and traits.
Provided you work on yourself diligently, you could develop things, such as:
- higher self-esteem
- increase in confidence
- relationship skills
- appreciation for life
- and anything you choose to work on
If you’re hoping to get back with your ex-girlfriend by staying friends with her, you are going to have one hell of a time trying to “showcase change.”
Many times, dumpees believe that the breakup was mainly their fault, so they will try to show their exes all the changes they have been able to make.
So if you’re directly trying to reattract your ex like in the movies, allow me to explain why it will have the opposite of the desired effect.
You see, your ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to be convinced you can change and improve.
She’s perfectly happy with you being exactly who and what you were prior to the breakup. Often, exes become so bitter, they want only the worst for us.
They become vindictive and competitive against their fellow dumpees and engage on a quest to prove that they are the happiest among the ex-pair.
If she doesn’t want me to improve, how will she come back to me then?
As long as she was your girlfriend, your girlfriend wanted you to grow and improve.
But now that she is no longer in a relationship with you, she wants the opposite.
No way in a million years will she come back soon after the breakup because you’ve become better (even if you have actually improved your shortcomings).
She is in an angry/suffocated state and would rather date some random guy than to acknowledge your growth as a person right now.
It probably hasn’t been that long since your breakup, so your ex must first go through the 5 stages of a breakup.
It’s her way of processing the separation and allowing the mysteries of no contact to clear the air
As your ex-girlfriend is now, she doesn’t want to come back, so the best thing you can do is to stop trying to convince her.
By all means, work on becoming the best version of yourself. You have to improve all the parts of your life as much as you can while you are in no contact.
It’s definitely not the time to slack off. When, and if she comes back, the new, improved you will be what keeps her.
As for your ex coming back, pay close attention to what we talk about in the next chapter.
When will she come back?
If you haven’t read my research on the real reason why exes come back, I strongly urge you to take a few minutes to do so.
The return of your ex-girlfriend is dependent on two major factors.
- The mental state she is in
- The overall condition you’re in
- In other words, exes come back when they become sad and miserable. This could happen when your ex gets dumped and her ego takes a huge hit. Since she’ll be forced to go through discomfort and anxiety, she will feel the need to feel validated, loved and healed. Exes always come back for themselves, so you should really be careful when you allow her to walk back into your life. She could leave again faster than you can take her back.
- For your ex to come back and have a renewed respect for you, you must become a strong individual for her to “cling on.”
Things that won’t get your ex back
Your ex will not come back if the following two conditions aren’t met.
She won’t come back if she’s happy and she won’t come back if you’re unhappy. Since you can only control your part of the breakup, you must, therefore, do your absolute best to get over the breakup.
In doing so, you will maximize your chances of reconciliation.
That’s why you should never break no contact with your ex-girlfriend unless you must ensure the safety of your children and family.
Any other trivial reason is just an excuse for you to reach out to her, so it will probably do more harm than good.
You must wait for her to reach out first. That’s the only surefire way to tell she’s past the initial stages of relief and ready to make some progress.
Here’s a friendly reminder if you are tempted to break no contact.
Don’t reach out when:
- You are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and wish to alleviate your pain
- you no longer care about the results and think you have nothing to lose. Remind yourself you must go through with the plan
- it’s your ex’s birthday or a holiday
- she starts dating someone else
- you just want to tell her that she’s a bad person for hurting you badly
#1 rule of a breakup – do not talk about the breakup
Avoid talking to your mutual friends and family about your ex at all cost.
This is not what someone of high self-esteem does.
Your friends will only push your ex-girlfriend further away and anger her even more than she probably already is.
Even if your ex-girlfriend is mature and collected, try to stay steer clear from talking and venting about her to people she knows.
If she hears you’ve been either crying about needing her badly or trash-talking her, guess what she will feel? She won’t be happy that you still care and she certainly won’t be sad that you are talking badly about her.
If you’re lucky she might only feel angry and want to reach out to you even less.
Have you ever heard how rumors spread like wildfire? So do gossips.
Words will come back around to her like a boomerang and she’ll hear everything you said about her.
So if your friends ask you about your ex and you have no choice but to answer, be positive and concise.
Tell them you wish her the very best and change the subject.
Do you remember the 2nd condition for your ex coming back to you?
You basically need to be content and happy with your life without your ex-girlfriend.
Bitterness, anger, and depression will not make her come back.
Stalking
There are many cases of ex-partners doing unimaginable things post-breakup because of their intense emotions.
People visit their exes at their workplace, home, outside with friends or anywhere they suspect them to be.
But this crazy behavior is incredibly destructive to dumpers as it makes them despise their dumpees for showing up unannounced.
Any form of stalking online and offline is considered harassment – especially to your ex-girlfriend.
If she finds out you’ve been tailgating her every move, you could get a restraining order or end up in jail as the crazy ex-boyfriend.
And if you attempt something similar online and like/comment on her every picture, you will likely find yourself blocked.
This behavior will create a huge gap between the two of you, further creeping her out. She doesn’t want reminders of you, nor does she want to see your messages all over her social media.
If your ex-girlfriend broke up with you, she needs time and space from you.
Forcing your presence on her is going to have the opposite of the desired effect.
She won’t want you back. She’ll run a lot further away from you. It’s her self-defense mechanism and a strong need to experience life without you.
And that’s why you mustn’t try to weasel your way closer to her. It won’t work!
Gifting
If you think that shiny jewelry and expensive presents are going to bring your ex back, then you’ve got to rethink your reconciliation strategy.
Not only does she not deserve the goodies, but this action also has a lot to say about your well-being.
It screams of insecurities, such as low self-esteem—so your ex is going to notice it.
She already feels the need to stay away from you. So receiving roses and boxes of chocolates from you is going to make her want to move to a different part of the world.
If you really believe this is how breakups work, then your ex should be the one showering you with presents when she wants you back.
She has a lot of
Things that will help get her back
If you’re staying at home asking yourself, “Will she come back to me,” heed my warning.
You’ve got a lot of work to do – both for yourself as well as your ex-girlfriend.
You can take the passive approach and hope things will change or you can actually heal and improve yourself.
Moving on
Just how talking about your ex-girlfriend to your friends and family will not make her come back, so will refusing to move on.
By thinking, “If I can just hold on to her, maybe she will come back” you put yourself in a very vulnerable position.
I call this uncomfortable state – the breakup limbo. This false hope-driven condition is so full of uncertainty, it’s detrimental to your health and well-being.
Not only does it hinder your recovery, but it also shows your ex that you aren’t self-sufficient.
And when your ex takes notice of this, mark my words that the distance between you will increase tenfold.
The notion of you being hung up on her only empowers your ex. As a result of increased ego, she will receive moral support like never before and deal with life issues easily and swiftly.
This is why it’s important to let her go and allow her to face life difficulties on her own.
Posting accomplishments
Just how seeing your ex happy is hurting you, posting accomplishments can incite envy and jealousy in your ex.
Of course, overdoing it and rubbing it in her face could end up annoying her to the point of removing or blocking you, so tread carefully.
If you get unfriended by your ex on social media, it’s not exactly the worst thing that can happen. Sometimes dumpers hate seeing dumpees happy and will resort to extreme measures, such as unfriending, blocking, trash-talking, mocking, etc.
If this happens to you, know that you aren’t to be blamed for your ex’s actions.
You are merely doing what you have been doing prior to the breakup.
Just try to understand that it’s your ex’s fragile mind that doesn’t want you to be happy.
Dating
She will come back much more likely when you show signs of moving on.
There’s no clearer way to portray indifference towards your ex than to start dating again.
By showing her you no longer desire her, it can cause her to want you more. It’s a psychological effect – which is the desire to want what we can’t have.
Just how you want your ex-girlfriend back more than ever, she must also feel that she’s lost you for good.
This is why telling her things like, “I will always love you and wait for you even if I’m with someone else” is counterintuitive.
That’s why being with another person could actually help your ex forget your empty promises as your actions wouldn’t be in line with your words.
Besides, dating the right person is also going to help you move on and increase your self-esteem by making you feel desired again.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
She will come back when you stop caring
If your ex-girlfriend left you, and the relationship wasn’t that bad, she will probably come back at some point in the future for some strange reason.
Perhaps she won’t come back to be in a romantic
This will only happen if you remain in indefinite no contact at all times.
You may want her to go through lots of pain so that she could return back to you as soon as possible.
But if that happens, I just want you to know that she would be coming back strictly for herself and not you.
She’d come back to heal her wounds and use you for her selfish benefits.
Whether she comes back or not is a matter of time and patience.
If you follow the guidelines mentioned in this article, I can guarantee that you will not want your ex back in the future.
You will have put way too much work into improving yourself to care about your ex.
Do you think she will come back in the future? Leave a comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
HI. I am a therapist. My ex was a client, friend then more… that was 2016/17. Well, she came back last March. She was just out of an abusive relationship, no joke, the only reason I knew it was her, was her slight southern accident, saying HI. She looked like death warmed over. We broke up because she didn’t know what she wanted. Well, we started texting, and poof three weeks later she was hugging me and saying, “Im sorry I was such a B—ch to you!” Well, she had ‘family problems.’ her mother isn’t the best she can be to her. So, out of the blue my exes estranged father, after 14 years just contacts her on facebook. They talk, and he convinced her to move back ‘home’ down south with him. Seems he made a killing bit coin. She was clear to me, she was leaving her mother and step father’s basement. She told me it wasn’t going to end between she and I. She wanted to get to know her father again, spend (last) summer on a road trip with him. They were going to rent a house, and I was invited to move down there with them. Well, she just up and left. Her father sent a Uhaul for her. Her mother was stunned. Her mom and Step father, were pissed she cut and run from them- it didn’t get better. They started turning her cell phone on and off, to get her to contact them. Her mother was complaining to me, she had cut her out of her life. So, I go over to their house, to talk to them. Big mistake. It turned into a trash my ex talk. I wont say what they said, it was just nasty. It was reinforcement of why she left. I was slowly putting away my life, and planing what my new life was going to be like, down south. My ex, finally texts me, and apologizes, her connection is crap and they are way out in the middle of nowhere. (Her father is paranoid and lives out in the sticks). So, she said she loved me, and would get in-touch with me ASAP, and this is going to work, just trust me. I tell her parents up there this, and her mother gets crabby with me. Then blocks me on FB. Her step father got back to me and said “She is under alot of stress after she sh–t on us.” I hold my tongue. Her mother unblocks me and then says, ” You can tell her I am turning off her phone if she doesn’t contact us before the end of the week.” I tell my ex this, and she gets right back with me. “why are you even talking to them?” Because, “They are freaking out, and have become nasty.” ” Don’t talk to them, they are toxic, I love you… soon.” I still keep on talking to her step father. He says, ” I wounder if she is talking to anyone right now?” I say, I don’t know I dont think she is talking to anyone right now. three weeks go by. My ex texts me pissed off, “Why did you tell my mother I don’t want to talk to anyone up there?” And it just fell apart from there. She said, ” I can’t believe you went over there, and talked behind my back, and betrayed my trust.” She would not listen to me, that her mother was spinning lies to hurt her. Then she started to break down, “I am so tired of this brain washing….” I wanted this with you, I really did. But I guess plans changed. This is over. Im sorry. If I come back to you, then I do, don’t wait for me.” That was it. NOTHING. IN the weeks that followed, her social media went down, and she vanished. She is just on steam, I found this out just by accident. NOW, this was june, in july I was approached by a private investigator asking about the whereabouts of my ex. Then, slowly, I started getting visits from the local police, and was arrested several times, to be questioned about, “where she is.” The police had 43 tips, I had hurt her or something like that. THEN in October, my car was vandalized. The PI refused to let up on me, and he made the mistake of grabbing my arm in public, I punched him in the jaw. My lawyer said to make a police report, and a missing persons report. I did. The local PD didn’t find her. Then it was told to me, “she had a falling out with her father.” A friend of hers, sent her mother a message. The friend, then contacted her step father, because her mother blocked the friend. Seems she is now living with her wing-girl. that’s good. Now just a few weeks ago, her step father said, the police said she wants nothing to do with anyone up here, and her mother took the call. And then blocked me. I have a feeling this was a BS thing from her mother. Now, the sad fact, her mother started all this crap. Just because she was butt hurt, she could no longer blame her daughter for her problems, and control her. I have a major feeling, my ex willl contact me next, in time. BUT, to let her wounder, I deleted all of my social media, and vanished. So when she starts looking for me, or maybe she was stalking my facebook- she said she did the first time… I was just not there. As a therapist, the typical lifestyle change is 14-16 mos. That would be this time next year, by then- I am going to be standing very tall. I know this was not my exes fault, really, her mother and bio-father both have issues. My ex is very sweet and very kind. She is mostly a mouse, I hope she has that better life she left for. I hope to see her again before I die- and maybe try again. If her mother had been a mother, my ex would never have left.
hello, me and my ex were dating for a year and 5 months. and we broke up about 3 months we had a good relationship yes we did fight and argue but we’d always get through it without a doubt. she has anxiety and depression and I tried to understand and support her with everything I had. last summer I supported her through heart surgery. however, towards the end of our relationship, she started showing a lot of interest in her ex after I trusted her with the situation. in the relationship I did get somewhat insecure but got over it. one weekend she just turned on me after having a breakdown and after giving her a week break to focus on herself. but she wouldn’t let me leave and said she loves me and we can get through it together. but I said we need to do something I’m still here if she needs me it’s just a week so she can have a breather. but then the next day just blew up on me and we broke up. I was really hurt and removed all the pictures and everything of social media which I fastly apologized for. we met that night to talk and she said she thought it was for the best and I supported her through her decision even though I didn’t want to. however, she messaged her ex 2 weeks after we broke up and I reacted badly to it because after the last month of our relationship she was showing a lot of interest but told me it was nothing. I did trust her until this. I reacted badly and said some stuff and got blocked on social media apart from Snapchat and my second insta account. we both apologied and she said she regretted messaging him but then about 2 weeks later she started hanging out with him and lied about it. and i got really mad and blocked on everything its been about a month since i messaged her since the block.
and ive been in no contact for over 2 months now and still no sign or word from her. i’m still blocked on everything even though im getting over worrying about the ex because i know im better and my relationship was better with her but i dont think no contact is working. any advice?
Hey Zan, how can the grieving process for my ex start if she is constantly going somewhere? A month and a half in the break up, she is with her friends almost all day everyday. Would that make it easier for her to move on since she does not have time to think about me because she is always preoccupied and doing activities with them?
Hi Logic.
That’s a very good question.
The grieving process is different for dumpers because they often detach way before the breakup.
Your ex is keeping herself busy and enjoying life right now–so she won’t regret anything right now. What she has to go through is the ugly side of life, and that’s when she will experience grief, regret, and become nostalgic.
It won’t happen before she hits a snag, so try not to hope too much. In reality, she is delaying her realization by going out with her friends.
For your own health, do your best not to stalk her. Seeing her happy is hindering your healing process.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
Interesting points in the article re both being careful with over doing social media posts but also dating.
I’ve taken your advice you gave me posting my getting out and about and living life. I’m trying to keep it in check and not get carried away. It’s hard not to increase my social media use beyond what it normally was prior to the break – as when I wa with my ex I didn’t really post anything at all. I post a few pics of things I’m doing once a week or so. I keep it positive and fresh.
You mention dating can show you’re moving on. But how will an ex know this? I live far away from my ex now and no mutual friends that I trust enough to casually in passing feedback this info. Also I would be concerned this would backfire and she’d see me with a renewed low opinion that I’d move on so quickly after a decade (it’s been 4 months). But equally, I can see you want to appear as the free individual that can be lost, rather than someone’s possession in their back pocket. I suppose folk are different and I’m not sure how my ex would take it, but I believe her reaction would be negative initially and then resign that I’m away for good. She’s never been one to persue her valued things. She’s a “come to me” type person.
I don’t relish dating as feel it too early for me. I recall years back dating too early after a break and it made me feel loads worse as every girl who wasn’t what my ex was made me miss her terribly and set me down for ages after. It’s a tricky one as I’ve got to get back out there at some point.
Hi Dave.
Your ex will find out you’re dating when you’re going out, taking pictures with new girls and posting them on social media. It doesn’t have to be kissing or even hugging. Your ex will analyze the people and assume you’re dating. That’s plenty.
I’m not too sure how your ex would view you. I just know it’s for the best, as you pining over her would certainly annoy her. You have to move on and so does she.
You’re right about dating another person too early. It can set you back when the next person doesn’t reach your expectations. That’s because you want that girl to be like your ex—which is not okay. Time in NC will open you up for dating.
Zan
Cheers Zan.
You make sense, At the end of the day it’s nit for me to stay single in purgatory and she’s no right to be angry so I need to stop worrying about that. Which leads me too!….
..Well update. I was going to say you won’t beloeve what happened but you probably can as you wrote this prediction in your article above ha! (annoyingly I was carefully trying to follow your advice and be mindful that this didn’t happen!)
Well, I did a naughty thing and checked my friends list on Facebook and Instagram. Only to find she has unfriended me this weekend on Facebook and also unfollowed me on Instagram. My insta is public so she can refollow but of course it would notify me so she won’t do that. Her sister is still on my Facebook friends and she (for time being) has also left my own family on her friends list. So we for the time being still have mutual methods of viewing content if one were bent on finding stuff out.
I had been posting stuff doing things and wondered if I was doing much. I’d put 3 pics on insta recently over a couple of days. Nothing bad taste, no partying. One a trip to Africa with work, a day out in the car (I’m a car enthusiast). Just stuff really and I act and comment in the photos like nothing has happened.
You’re aware of our story. We had a very easy going breakup in Dec. In that no bad words said (from my part) and was all good natured. I’ve been aware over the last 10 weeks of NC she’s been increasingly annoyed I’ve not called or texted since I moved from the area in Feb. I know I shouldn’t do this but I did check her Facebook from time to time and there were constant pointed “memes”. I didn’t contact her for her big birthday and also now Easter, I suspect that’s made her madder.
Naturally I’m trying to fathom out what on Earth she is trying to do by unfriending and unfollowing me. If she merely didn’t wish to see my posts she could’ve unfollowed, a step down from the passive aggressive message she’s sending. If she wanted to hide contact completely she could’ve knocked off my sister and also had her sister ditch me. As it is to view my page she only has to ask her sister and she knows I can see her stuff via my family’s Facebook. I can’t see a practical use for doing it. We’ve not spoken. I don’t press like, comment or do a single thing on her social media. At month 5 I’m posting like life is going forward and here she is at month 5 after posting memes now kicking me off Facebook.
I did wonder if there was another man, but I know she’d delight in putting that up and wouldn’t kick me off for that reason. I guess she’s trying to hurt me. Maybe to send a message that my posting about my life is not at all getting to her and that she’s “so over me” she can live without seeing my on social media. Or she’s trying to make me panic to contact her. A last play of the hand so to speak (counsellor seems convinced her behaviour online has been designed to get me to contact her to give attention). If that wee the case it’s pretty drastic as she’s now amped things up to be adversarial in her mind and would have to climb over a mountain of pride to reach out now or send a friends request.
Either way it’s worked as feel really cut off now. I was getting good vibes posting things, I liked that she could see me doing stuff and it also made me feel good knowing I wasn’t appearing like the meek person she dumped. In essence, it was aiding my self esteem I think. I had a week coming up taking kite surfing lessons. Now she won’t see that. Not a lot I can do I guess.
What’s your thoughts mate?
Cheers. Dave
Hey Dave.
To be completely honest, dumpers’ unfriending, unfollowing, blocking—out of nowhere is not uncommon. It happens more in cases where dumpees overstep their boundaries and annoy their exes on social media by over-posting and uploading pictures with their new partners, looking extremely happy.
As you already suspect, your ex’s actions could be meant for you to react to her. In her head, she’s probably thinking “If I unfriend him, he will get hurt and see that I don’t care about him. Maybe he still cares about me. The only way to make sure of that is to do something crazy and remove him.”
Just because she removed you doesn’t mean she won’t check up on you from time to time. I’d say everybody does—or at least most people. Just how you have temptations, she has moments of weakness and curiosity—and that’s when she stalks you.
It’s good that you didn’t reach out to her and kept healing. If you contacted her, she’d get a huge ego boost while yours takes a toll.
What you do is you keep going the way you have been. Her unfriending didn’t affect you at all, so you must show that. If she removed you out of annoyance, then she will first have to release her frustrations before she checks up on you. And if it was to seek attention and show you she “doesn’t care” then you could step up your game and post even happier pictures.
Best,
Zan
Dave, I think it depends on reasons for why she broke up with you. Is it because she was unhappy with some aspect of the relationship? Or did she just plain want out? Because if it was the former, then I could see her unfriending as sending a message. But if her breaking it off was because she wasn’t into it, I hate to say it but she maybe got annoyed and cut ties. I once dated a nice guy that I realized I wasn’t as attracted to as I should have been, then longer I stayed with him the worse it got. I was immature, and initiated the break with little explanation (I regret this) but I didn’t know how to tell him without hurting him and being extremely uncomfortable while doing it. He had a beautiful soul and was good to me and I had nothing against him, but I wanted out. Anyhow, the guy did everything to make it look like he moved on and I found it very annoying. Had I had him on my Facebook I would’ve silenced him in a moment or even deleted him if he was being particularly obnoxious. If you didn’t post much when you were both together, posting 3 pics in a week will make her think you are trying too hard.
All this being said, I usually only delete my exes if: 1) they are scary and I don’t trust them 2) They post extremely offensive content (violence and hate talk) and I realize we have no common ground for friendship 3) the rare event that my current partner is uncomfortable with me having them on my list, or 4) I need to get over them because I’m hopelessly in love and I know I need to move on. A Facebook deletion usually has some strong emotion behind it or is for protection.
This is countering what this page suggests, but I’m going to give you the opinion of one lone wolf woman over here in the corner. Maybe I’m the odd one out, but personally, I think it’s important to be able to move on without announcing it to the world. I mean, you can celebrate it, but a little mystery goes a long way, and it will help you retain some of your self-respect and have you questioning yourself less. I don’t see a need to rub it in your ex’s face besides the fact that it gives temporary satisfaction. Also, if an ex is obviously trying to show they are doing fabulous and moving on, I’m going to view it as an action that was directed at me and my camp. If someone is going to miss your absence, they will miss your absence, I don’t think we have much control over that. I was once in love with a man who couldn’t return it, so I travelled the world and lived a wild life and did everything I could to get him out of my head. But secretly, when the night came or I was walking alone, he was all I could think about sometimes. It took me years to get over him and he didn’t have to shove one picture in my face to make me think about him.
Well said…