Why Does My Ex Ask Me For Help?

Dumpers occasionally ask their exes for help with their problems and concerns. Sometimes they ask for a favor just to have an excuse to talk to their ex (check up on their ex), whereas other times, they genuinely need help with something and want their ex to stop what he or she is doing and help them.

They don’t know or care that they’re using their ex for their selfish gain and that they should ask someone else for help. They shouldn’t bother their ex after leaving and hurting him or her. If they reach out and ask for help, they tend to confuse their ex and give their ex hope as their ex feels useful and sees the reach-out as an opportunity to impress the dumper and get back with him or her.

There are many different reasons why dumpers reach out for help. Usually, they can deal with their problems themselves (without their ex’s help) but reach out anyway. They want their ex to help them because their ex helped them all the time when they were a couple. They used to rely on their ex for basic things such as advice and reassurance, so they hope their ex would continue to support them and be a good friend.

Dumpers who ask their dumpee ex for help consider their ex a friend rather than an ex-partner. They don’t respect their ex’s boundaries, hope, and pain because they don’t put themselves in their ex’s shoes and understand their ex emotionally. Dumpers feel good in their ex’s absence and force themselves into their ex’s life (whether they need help or not) only when they want or need something from their ex.

Whether it’s emotional, financial, or physical help or forgiveness and reassurance, they think of their ex as their go-to person. They don’t think about their ex’s needs and how their actions will affect their ex’s recovery process. If they truly cared about their ex and wanted the best for their ex, they wouldn’t contact their ex for help with trivial matters like homework or deciding what phone to buy.

They’d understand that such actions could confuse and hurt their ex and give him or her tons of false hope. Hope that would need days to process and let go of.

So if you’re wondering why your ex asked you for help when he or she dumped you, the most important thing you need to understand is that your ex lacked empathy and didn’t understand how you felt. Your ex was a dumper and didn’t think that reaching out would cause you any problems.

He or she probably assumed you felt similarly to him or her and that you were open to talking and helping each other.

I suppose your ex just went for what he or she wanted without thinking things through. He or she made an unpremeditated (most likely emotional) decision to ask you for help and expected you to assist him or her with open arms.

Your ex expected you to be helpful even though you needed his or her help much more than your ex needed yours. You had unmet needs and probably lots of questions you wanted to ask your ex to feel better. Despite having a hard time processing the breakup and loving yourself, your ex broke the silence and asked you for help.

This shows your ex wanted to take something from you rather than give something to you. Your ex was thinking about his or her problems even though you were the one who needed help (with more important things).

Unless it was about kids or something that concerned you equally, your ex ignored your need to heal and asked for your help. By doing so, he or she showed you that his or her concerns were more important than your pain and healing.

You ought to be careful. If you help your ex with unimportant matters and entertain your ex, your ex could keep you around as a friend and string you along. He or she could make you feel slightly validated and keep you coming back for more. The longer you tolerate breadcrumbs and think you’re getting closer to your ex, the longer you will struggle emotionally and the less you will detach and grow.

In today’s post, we discuss why your ex asked you for help and what you can do about it.

Why does my ex ask me for help?

Your dumper ex asks you for help rather than some other person because you’re the person he or she is the closest to and most willing to help. You were a reliable partner when you were together or perhaps even a good friend before you became a couple, so your ex assumes that you’re happy to give and receive support even as an ex-partner.

Your ex doesn’t see or care that you need time to heal and that you’re no longer willing to do everything for him or her. Now that you’re no longer together, your priorities have changed. They’ve changed from caring about your ex’s health and well-being to caring about yourself and those who want the same things as you (a relationship, friendship, acquaintanceship…)

You don’t have time and emotions to spend on someone who broke your heart and doesn’t want to work on the relationship anymore. Helping someone like that would be torture for you. It’d drain your energy and make you feel used and invalidated.

Your ex probably hasn’t reflected and put himself or herself in your shoes. Your ex likely just realized that he or she needed help with something and that you could help him or her with it quicker and better than anyone else.

Your ex could have asked a friend, colleague, or family member for help, but it wouldn’t be the same. A third party wouldn’t have the same approach or know-how as you. He or she would handle the situation differently. And that was a risk your ex wasn’t willing to take. Your ex needed help quickly and in ways that he or she liked and was used to.

Going to someone else for help would probably have sufficed, but not in ways your ex wanted it to. Your ex considered you the most knowledgeable, helpful, willing, or easy to ask for help. You had a history of being supportive and had a connection with your ex, so your ex chose you as his or her first go-to option and expected you to help.

Maybe your ex didn’t need your help and just wanted to see how you were doing. In that case, your ex probably wanted to assuage guilt and move on with a clear conscience. He or she requested a favor only to see how receptive you were and how you were coping with the breakup.

Although it’s more of a dumpee thing to do that, some dumpers pretend they need their ex for something and use various indirect approaches to grab their ex’s attention and get something from their ex. Sometimes they even make a problem seem bigger than it is (pretend it’s super important) just to communicate with their ex and obtain something from him or her.

Something only their ex can give them or that their ex can give them in the quickest time possible. Usually, it’s forgiveness, validation, advice, information, or emotional support.

When they reach out and ask for help, the last thing they think about is unintentionally hurting their ex and ruining their friendship. They may think about how their ex will respond, but they don’t stress about it because they don’t have any romantic expectations of their ex. Their ex is the one with expectations and separation pain, so their ex is the one scared of hurting, offending, and disrespecting the dumper.

Their ex worries that the wrong word or action will make the dumper lose all romantic interest and not give the relationship another chance because of it.

You need to understand that dumpers wouldn’t ask their ex for help if they had no respect for their ex. They wouldn’t even reach out, let alone ask for attention and help. Dumpers who despise their ex and lack respect for their ex want nothing to do with their ex. They’re so tired of their ex that they unfriend or unfollow their ex and minimize their chances of feeling uncomfortable, guilty, or hurt.

Only dumpees who like their ex, need their ex, or care about their ex reach out to their ex (and ask for help). Those who resent their ex leave their ex alone and rely on other people for support. Other people empower them whereas their ex suffocates and annoys them.

So if you’re trying to figure out why your ex is asking you for help, bear in mind that your ex still has some respect for you. Your ex may not love you and want to be with you, but your ex does wonder about you occasionally and need something from you.

Your ex wouldn’t be reaching out without a reason. Even bored dumpers reach out to their ex, hoping their ex would entertain them.

With that said, here are x different reasons why your ex asks you for help.

What if my dumpee ex asked me for help?

Dumpees often ask their ex for help because they badly want to talk to their ex and ease their pain. They don’t need help with anything urgent, but they nonetheless make their reasons for reaching out seem important so that their ex takes them seriously and chats with them for a while. By chatting with their ex, they can feel validated and important.

They basically use their problems as an excuse to reach out and tell their ex what they’ve been up to, what they’ve improved, and why they’re better prepared for a serious long-term relationship.

Many dumpees emotionally depend on their ex for healing and love and want their ex back. They’re in a ton of pain, so they’re willing to do anything to speak to their ex and reconnect with their ex. Some are even willing to break no contact and risk angering their ex for a small chance to be with their ex and reduce their pain.

Very few dumpees reach out to an ex to get actual help from their ex. Those who want help are usually done with their ex or have kids or other obligations that tie them to their ex. Such dumpees need to reach out and talk to their ex from time to time because doing so is in the interest of both parties.

So if your dumpee ex reached out and asked you for help, know that your ex probably doesn’t really need your help. If the breakup happened recently (less than a few months ago), your ex probably just wants to talk to you and see if it’s possible to get back together.

A quick and smooth reconciliation would allow your ex to feel validated and stop obsessing over the breakup.

However, if it’s been months since you broke up and last spoke to your ex, then your ex may actually need your help with something. He or she could be in a pinch and doesn’t know who else to go to. Your ex thinks you’re the best or only person who can help him or her deal with problems.

In that case, your ex considers the matter urgent and hopes that you care enough to respond and help.

As long as your ex isn’t begging or threatening you to meet up and get back together, you should try to help your ex deal with his or her problems and feel better. You should do it even if you’re the reason your ex feels hurt and needs help. Dumpers have a moral responsibility to help their ex accept the breakup and move on.

They don’t need to (and shouldn’t) meet up and talk to their ex 24/7, but they should listen to their ex’s problems, express sympathy and empathy, and do their best to help their ex. Once they’ve helped their ex, they can go back to doing their own things again.

What should I do if my dumper ex asks for help?

A dumper isn’t a dumpee. He or she isn’t experiencing separation anxiety and various post-breakup fears, loneliness, and problems. The dumper is detached and happy with the decision to break up. The breakup empowers the dumper in positive ways and prevents him or her from feeling regretful, sad, and depressed.

Because the dumper is in control of his or her post-breakup emotions, the dumper doesn’t need your help. The dumper may want it but that doesn’t mean he or she should get it. If you ask me, the dumper shouldn’t get it so that he or she can see the end of the relationship means the end of friendship and pointless conversations.

Exes can be friends later, but only when they’ve both gotten over each other and become equals. Right or soon after the breakup, though, they shouldn’t talk to each other and pretend they want the same things. They should understand that ex-partners need space and that they need to respect each other’s recovery process and boundaries.

Technically, they should both stay in no contact and let each other process the thoughts and emotions they need to process. But if someone reaches out, that person must either be helped (if help is needed, not wanted) or told to stop reaching out.

Dumpers shouldn’t be afraid to tell their dumpee ex to stop reaching out. But they must express themselves in such a way that their dumpee ex feels respected and cared for.

They can say something like, “I appreciate you reaching out and asking to chat/for help. Although I want to chat and help you get through this, I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay in touch so frequently. By all means, reach out when you’re struggling and need answers, but please don’t text/call me if you just want to talk. It’s not good for our detachment and healing. To heal, we need to spend some time alone.”

Basically, help your ex see that communication and over-reliance are bad for both of you, not just you, and that you’ll both feel better and perhaps even get along better if you rely on yourselves and others for support.

If your ex dumped you, however, tell your ex that you’re not ready to talk and be friends and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you change your mind. Your ex should know that you’re not interested in talking and that you love yourself more than you love him or her. The only way your ex will respect you and want you back is if you show you’ll be okay on your own.

Did your ex ask you for help? What did your ex ask for? Comment below the article.

And if you’re looking for our analysis and help with your ex-situation, visit our coaching page and get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.