Why Age Gap Relationships Don’t Work?

Big age-gap couples often downplay each other’s age. They say things like, “He’s older, so he’s more experienced” or she’s younger, but she’s very mature for her age.

They don’t take into account that they’re both in different stages of life and that if something goes wrong, the younger person might want to explore a bit, start to enjoy exploring things, and become doubtful about his or her relationship in the process.

This doesn’t happen to every couple, of course, but it does happen significantly more to those with large age differences who haven’t gone through all the stages of life their peers have gone through.

Peer/societal pressure is real and can affect couples more than they’d like to admit—as it can make them think their relationship is abnormal, unhealthy, on a strange course, out of time, and difficult to maintain.

Because of the big age difference, some couples also feel embarrassed about what their friends and family would think. They worry that people will ridicule them and isolate them, so they succumb to fear of judgment and hide their relationship as much as they can.

By hiding it, they stay under the radar and wonder if that’s the best way to live their life.

If such couples get tired of living a secluded life, they may eventually decide it’s better to break up and avoid people’s condescending sneers. That way, they can stop looking over their shoulder and do the things normal people do.

Another reason why age-gap relationships don’t work is that couples often want different things from their relationship. An older person may already have children and doesn’t want any more kids whereas the younger one wants at least one of his or her own.

This could put a ton of pressure on the relationship and make couples feel disconnected. This is especially true if communication is lacking, if there are cultural differences, or if someone is incapable or unwilling to have children.

Life works in mysterious ways, which is why big-age difference couples may at first agree that neither of them wants children. But as time goes on, and they discover a thing or two about themselves, they might change their minds about wanting children.

They could see that they have limited time and that they should maximize it by having children as soon as possible.

The real problem arises when someone doesn’t want kids and the other feels pressured to have them. Pressure tends to bring the worst out of couples and can break them up if no solution is found.

Breakups don’t happen only to couples who don’t agree on having kids as every couple has different priorities and goals. They also happen to those who want to settle down, move places, pursue a career, go to college, travel for a while, spend more time with friends, and focus on their hobbies and ambitions.

That’s why we could say that age-gap relationships don’t work when one or both couples haven’t discovered who they are and what they want yet. The older person may be financially independent, emotionally expressive, and supportive, but that doesn’t mean the younger person will be fully satisfied with the relationship.

Due to them being on different paths, the younger person may at any point develop doubts and wonder if he or she could get more out of life by dating someone closer to his or her age. Someone who could synergize with him or her and directly or indirectly encourage him or her to prevent stagnation.

Sadly, lots of younger people leave partners (who are older than them). The reason for the separation is often curiosity (the what ifs) and doubts created by the lack of relationship experience with people of similar age.

Such people get tempted to be with men or women who have similar experiences, desires, ambitions, and even problems. They find it much easier to bond with people who understand what they’re going through and have the physical and mental capacity to keep up with their lifestyle, goals, and dreams.

So don’t assume that big-age difference relationships work because couples complement each other. The older person may feel younger and validated because a 30-year younger person finds him or her attractive, but he or she might also find the younger person’s way of wanting things, expressing problems, and starting arguments immature and petty.

If they don’t find a way to adjust/improve the way they resolve differences and get comfortable with being on different paths, the older person could get tired of being “the leader” in the relationship and decide to break up and pursue someone with a similar level of maturity and relationship mentality.

Relationships need much more than good looks, money, and other superficial traits and benefits to thrive. They need developed couples with similar thinking and ways of handling conflict.

That explains why older guys who date 20-year-olds typically don’t make it past the infatuation stage.

About 3 – 4 months into the new relationship, they tend to discover they’re not compatible with the girl who hasn’t had the chance to experience life and grow yet. They realize that staying with her would be self-torture.

The same is true for young women dating older guys or even older women dating young men.

The chances of big-age gap couples being compatible in all areas of life are much smaller than they are for couples of the same age. This is particularly true for couples who communicate poorly and expect different things from each other and in life.

In today’s post, we provide the answer to the question “Why age gap relationships don’t work?” We also talk about how the age gap affects relationships, how many years of age difference is too much, and what the age gap formula is.

Why age gap relationships don’t work?

People say that age is just a number, but in relationships with an older and a younger person, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Age is much more than just a number. Age indicates how experienced a person is, how many opportunities he or she had to evolve, and what life stage he or she is currently in.

If a person is young and in the early stage of self-discovery, that person may realize there’s more to life than dating and may abandon a relationship to pursue his or her career or education.

You can make a general assumption that a person of a certain age will go to school, work, be retired, have kids or no kids, be physically healthy or less healthy/capable, have ambitions to climb the career ladder or preferences to settle down, and much more.

Although judging someone solely by age would be wrong and ageistic, it’s still a factor to consider. If you naively think that the age gap can easily be conquered with love and sheer willpower, you’re probably in for a big surprise as you’ll be settling for someone who may not help you or allow you to self-actualize.

He or she may indeed provide safety, love, and perhaps even money, but that may not be enough to reach your full potential. In a relationship, couples need to vibrate on the same frequency and motivate each other to excel in just about every aspect of life.

They need to feel that they have a purpose inside and outside of the relationship.

For example, someone who has already reached his or her goals may not feel the drive or see the need to direct or support the other person. And that could make the unaccomplished person feel unsupported, misunderstood, and alone.

It could also cause overreliance and prevent him or her from developing a sense of responsibility and self-reliance.

So bear in mind that age differences in relationships often don’t work because couples aren’t mentally ready yet for them to work. They expect each other to think and act the same way someone their age would think and act.

As a result, they struggle to accept and adapt to each other’s differences and pace.

That being said, here’s why big age-gap relationships don’t work very often.

Age-gap relationships don’t work because age can naturally alter the course of the relationship. It can make someone feel comfortable and the other forced to adapt and abandon his or her short-term goals.

For example, a young person may want to go out a few times a week and live a more social, active lifestyle whereas someone significantly older has likely closed that chapter already and wants a more passive lifestyle.

This is just an example, but such differences (as unimportant as they seem) can add extra weight to the relationship and make couples feel significantly different and incompatible.

One difference likely won’t cause a breakup, but multiple ones probably will.

What’s the maximum age difference formula?

According to a French author Max O’Rell, the acceptable age difference in partners is half the age of the oldest person + 7. That means a 50-year-old shouldn’t date a person younger than 32, a 40-year-old younger than 27, and a 30-year-old younger than 22.

Type your age in the textbox below and calculate the youngest person you should date.

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You should date people above years of age.

Age gaps get bigger and bigger the older a person is, which means that a 70-year-old could theoretically date a 42-year-old. I don't how many life stages a 30-year-old gap would skip, but I do know that couples would have a lot of accepting and adjusting to do.

They'd turn a lot of heads and probably get mistaken for being each other's parents or grandparents.

Others' misperceptions and negative opinions don't matter in the slightest, of course, but they do indicate that their relationships are different from what is normal or expected and that they're difficult for some societies or cultures to accept it.

Some people condemn big age-gap relationships because they're genuinely concerned about the authenticity of such relationships and the people involved.

All in all, in relationships where the oldest person is over 40, a year or two outside of Max's age gap formula shouldn't make a big difference, but in relationships where the youngest person is very young (let's say 22), it certainly would.

Young adults are still infants when it comes to relationships and should learn through experience with someone their age rather than from someone older than them. Yes, older people can be good guides, but just as romantic partners shouldn't be each other's psychologists, older people too shouldn't be full-time mentors.

If they are, they have a significantly bigger say in the relationship, which makes the relationship imbalanced.

Each and every person is responsible for his or her well-being and growth. Other people can encourage us to make some changes, but they shouldn't force us to reflect or try to do the work for us. Our life is ours to experience and learn from.

Over-reliance only leads to codependence and more problems later down the line when we need those skills in other areas of life.

Mind you that I have nothing against couples with big age gaps. I know for a fact that some couples have better relationships than couples who are around the same age. But despite that, the best way for people to find themselves and develop themselves is to learn how to play the game of life themselves.

They have to make their own choices in life, fail at times, learn from those failures, and discover what they want and don't want. It's their own experiences that teach them what works and doesn't work.

If they get married at the age of 20 to someone thrice their age, they will not only have to look after their partner soon and waste their potential, but they'll also feel lost and lose their chance at independence.

If god forbid, something were to happen to their partner or if they got dumped, they'd suffer immensely and be forced to find themselves later in life. There's nothing wrong with self-reflection and self-improvement at any stage in life, but wouldn't it make more sense to learn essential things early on?

If you ask me, it's best to be prepared for anything life throws at you. And the best way to do that is to not cheat in life by skipping important lessons people learn by interacting with their peers.

So if you or someone you know is dating or thinking of dating a much younger/older person, casually inform them of the socially acceptable age gap formula invented by Max O'Rell. Don't push anything on them as they are the ones responsible for their relationship.

Just tell them what you know and wait for them to decide if they're on the same wavelength and if getting to know each other is even worth the effort.

How many years of age difference is too much?

If you're in a relationship with someone much younger or much older, the best way to know if the age gap is too big is to discern whether your partner's behavior, attitude, mentality, and goals align with yours.

What your partner wants out of life and what his or her intentions with you are should tell you everything you need to know, starting with your partner's commitment to you and appreciation for the relationship.

You can tell age difference is/will be a problem if you don't understand each other and want totally different things. That in itself is an incompatibility and should be taken seriously. No amount of talking and therapy will save a relationship in which a couple isn't capable of adjusting their priorities.

So if you're significantly older than your partner and your young partner is impulsive, avoidant, and emotionally expressive, know that a relationship like this likely isn't going to improve with time. Regardless of how mature you are, you won't be able to inspire your partner to grow up and be like you.

Your partner will have to learn some valuable lessons on his/her own by reflecting on his or her behavior.

On the contrary, if you're much younger than your partner, then there's a chance you'll at some point in life start craving the phases you missed out on by committing to a slow-paced lifestyle.

I don't have a crystal ball predict to what will happen, but if you have a choice to date someone older or someone close to your age, I'd always encourage you to date the person close to your age. Socially acceptable or not, you'll have fewer worries and problems and get more out of life.

It's hard to say how many years of age difference is too much, but if you're 50 or older, 20 years is probably a safe estimate.

What do you think about why age-gap relationships don't work? Is it the difference in maturity, goals, wants, communication styles, or something else? Share your opinion in the comments below.

And lastly, if you're looking for relationship or breakup coaching, visit our coaching page for information on the services we offer and how to sign up.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.