Many people freeze in place when they run into their ex. They don’t know what to say and how to react, so they do what stressed people do best – overthink. They let their anxiety speak for itself and appear unnatural or pretentious.
If you’re one of those people who starts to panic the moment you run into your ex, know that you’re making things difficult for yourself because you’re thinking too much.
You’re worrying about what to say and how you’ll appear when you should be focusing on the present moment, trying to relax.
If you don’t want to freak out when you see your ex, there’s a very simple solution to your problem. All you have to do is remember that your ex is merely human and that you’re panicking for nothing.
Actually, you mustn’t just remember it.
You must rationally but most importantly, emotionally comprehend that your ex is equal to you in every way and that you shouldn’t get anxious about someone you broke up with or got broken up by.
When you understand this and learn how to put it into practice, you’ll no longer be scared of facing your ex. You just won’t care about bumping into your ex and accidentally saying something that could worsen your ex’s opinion of you.
You won’t care about it because your ex’s thoughts and opinions will no longer have power over you.
Your ex won’t define you.
So make sure to lower your post-breakup perceptions and expectations of your ex and you’ll handle it like a pro when you run into your ex.
Moreover, dumpees especially tend to feel anxious about bumping into their ex. They feel so nervous that they rack themselves with indecision over what to say and do.
They ponder to themselves, “Do I say hi to my ex, do I pretend I don’t see my ex, if I say hi, what do I say, what if my ex asks me if I’m seeing anyone or tells me he/she is dating someone else already?”
These are just a few questions dumpees tend to torment themselves with when they run into their ex. There are obviously more self-doubting questions that run through their minds because every person is different and has different worries.
But if there’s one thing these questions have in common it’s that they all stem from pain and hurt self-esteem.
They occur because dumpees wish to make a good impression on their ex-partner and desire recognition.
Dumpers, on the other hand, don’t require recognition very often. They tend to feel repulsed and uncomfortable by their ex, so they avoid their ex like the plague.
Especially if the breakup is still fresh.
So if you’re wondering what to do if you run into your ex and you want to learn more about talking to an ex, this is the article that will answer some of your questions.
How do you react when you run into your ex
How you react when you run into an ex depends on two main factors. The first factor is the non-verbal feedback your ex gives you.
For example, if you see your ex from afar and your ex locks eyes with you, your ex is most likely interested in saying hi to you because that’s what his or her body language says.
It says that your ex isn’t shy or uncomfortable and that he or she wants to have a word with you.
It’d be difficult to say exactly why an ex would want to speak to you all of a sudden, but normally, an ex wants to talk to you for one or more of the following reasons:
- to catch up (nostalgia) and become friends again (security)
- to apologize and assuage guilt
- to obtain reassurance
- to stop feeling anxious and to boost self-esteem
- to use your help
- to get back together (unlikely and uncommon)
The second factor that determines how you should act or react depends on you. If you’re hurting from the breakup and you know that talking to your ex hurts you, you probably don’t want to get pulled into a conversation with your ex.
Doing so despite not being emotionally ready would essentially cause you anxiety and prevent you from moving on.
The best way to react to seeing your ex in public is to deal with your ex quickly and efficiently.
You can do that not by ignoring your ex because that would be rude and could bring a bad reaction out of your ex, but by saying hello to your ex and ending the conversation right away.
There are a few ways you can handle an encounter with an ex without getting hurt or hurting your ex.
1)You can say hi, smile and keep walking.
2)You can stop for a minute or two, have a very short conversation about topics you couldn’t care less about, and part ways without making any plans to catch up.
3)Or if you’re really really hurt because of the breakup and fear that talking to your ex will reopen your wounds (or your ex’s), you can simply acknowledge your ex with a nod of your head and keep walking toward your destination.
Bear in mind that your health and well-being always come first regardless of whether you want your ex back or not. You’re responsible for your emotional wellness, so take actions that heal your wounds and help you move on.
What to do when you run into your ex?
If you run into your ex and decide to have a conversation, make small talk with your ex.
Talk about your hobbies, activities, work, school, friends, or anything you’re currently spending your time on. Just make sure you avoid talking about the breakup and asking your ex if he or she is dating anyone new yet.
There is simply no need to pry into your ex’s life about unnecessary things from the past and force your ex to talk about something he or she doesn’t want to talk about.
As you know, the breakup put an end to relationship topics, so make sure you avoid them at all costs.
Chances are that the breakup is still fresh and that you, your ex, or both haven’t fully moved on yet. You could both need more time to function as friends and to support each other the way some exes do.
So if you’re still struggling with the breakup or you notice that your ex isn’t fully detached yet, don’t talk about anything that could hinder your or your ex’s moving on process.
Don’t do anything that:
- hurts your ex-partner and gives false hope
- creates nostalgia and curiosity
- increases guilt
- confuses or deceives your ex
- and makes your ex want to run away from you
Here’s what you should do when you run into your ex.
It should be okay to talk to your ex as long as you can see that your ex is interested in conversing with you.
However, if your ex hasn’t noticed you yet or you know that your ex isn’t ready to see you (you just broke his/her heart), then forget about the whole observing your ex’s body language idea.
It’s best that you leave your ex alone and let him or her heal.
Be yourself
If you see that your ex wants to be your friend and you want the same, don’t worry about how to act and behave too much. It’s the thinking, analyzing, planning, and reading your ex’s thoughts and feelings that makes the job more difficult than it has to be.
Instead of worrying about how your ex will react, be the person you’ve always been (personality-wise) and show your ex that talking to an old flame doesn’t need to be as difficult as it may feel.
I say “feel” because talking to an ex (especially to the dumper) often makes us self-conscious. It raises our hopes for reconciliation and makes us very anxious.
How anxious we feel normally depends on how much the breakup has hurt us and how good we are at dealing with unpleasant situations.
If we’re confident about ourselves and possess good self-esteem, running into an ex and saying a few words to an ex usually isn’t very difficult for us. We normally just say how we are and what we’ve been up to, and before we know it, go separate ways.
It’s that easy as it involves very little thinking.
But if the breakup caused us great suffering and left us with wounds that never healed, then talking to our ex can be very difficult for us. It can make us think that our ex is talking to us because our ex misses us—and as a result, become hopeful for reconciliation.
The thought that our ex might want us back can play with our minds so much that it increases our longing for our ex. So think twice about talking to an ex unless you absolutely need to.
If you’re worried about running into an ex and you don’t know what to talk about, the best advice I can give you is to avoid talking about difficult relationship, breakup, or reconciliation topics.
Such topics could hurt you.
Instead, make small talk because the less information your ex gives you, the smaller a chance that you’ll misinterpret your ex’s words and analyze them for days to come.
What if you’re both over each other and ready to be friends?
Look, most people reading this aren’t ready to talk with their ex. They’re still hurting over the loss of their relationship and need a lot more time before they can have a normal conversation.
How much more time they need, I can’t say because some people need more time than others. But generally speaking, breakups normally take 8 months to get over.
They can take even twice as long if it’s the first breakup or if the dumper did something nasty to hurt you. In times like these, you should avoid running into an ex and talking to your ex for your own good.
You should protect your heart.
However, if talking to your ex doesn’t hurt either of you and you’re both ready to be friends, then feel free to talk to your ex if that’s what you want.
Start by talking about events that followed the breakup and slowly get to know each other again.
Just keep in mind that your ex’s new partner probably won’t like that you’re talking to your ex. You used to be very close in the past, which is why you must keep some emotional and physical distance and tell your new partners that you’re talking to each other again.
If you hide this from your partners, you could get in a lot of trouble when they find out. So be transparent about it and limit the time you speak and/or hang out with your ex.
It’s the least your partner deserves.
My ex saw me but looked away
If your ex saw you and looked away, your ex’s eyes should tell you everything you need to know. They should tell you that your ex is deliberately avoiding you and pretending not to see you because he or she doesn’t want to talk to you.
It doesn’t matter if your ex is hurt, shy, sad, depressed, angry, or feels guilty about something he or she has done. Your ex’s body language (eyes specifically) are the first sign of interest (or disinterest) you need to look out for.
If interest isn’t there, then yours shouldn’t be there either. You shouldn’t engage in conversation because even if you do and your ex talks to you as if you’re best friends, deep inside, your ex doesn’t really feel that way.
You may think that everything’s back to normal, but it’s highly likely that it’s not.
Exes can give us the impression that they’re happy to see us when we talk to them out of the blue in public. But when we message them a few hours later to continue the conversation, we often get a completely different kind of response from them.
A less interested and a more mean and cold one.
Why is that?
The reason why there’s such a big attitude difference between two conversations that occur just hours apart is that exes sometimes pretend to like us when they see us in public. Just like us, they feel anxious and don’t know how to act, so instead of showing us what they really think about us, they act innocent and show interest.
But when they get some distance from us and the time to pretend is up, they quickly go back to thinking poorly of us.
They once again start to think of us as ex-partners who are no longer of use to them—and treat us that way too.
The point I’m trying to make is that an ex who’s cold via texts and calls is unreceptive to you in person too. He or she may not show it because you take your ex by surprise, but when your ex is alone, it’s difficult for you ex to hide it.
Are you still wondering what to do when you run into your ex? Have you run into yours before? Tell us about your encounters below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi !
I wish I didn’t have to see my ex but we live beside eachother… I was the dumpee 4 times in 5 months … crazy I know but I always gave benefit of the doubt after her return a couple of weeks later . I was then discarded and blocked after I said a relationship takes effort, it was a very hot cold relationship on their part … was soul destroying because I really liked the person …
That was 5 months ago and I’ve never had an experience like it . I felt so down about it and I decided after 2 months to send a letter … not to get back only to state how awkward it is living so close and not aw knowledging eachothers existence because we both work at the school, and as much as it hurt to see her , if no choice … so not to be rude I thought I could just nod.. I get completely blanked , head turns and looks the other way . I hope I’m able not to let it bother me soon . It’s definitely hindering my healing .
Hi Zan, here’s one for you…..
I moved house and started seeing the next door neighbour, we were together for just over a year. However a few months into the relationship I started getting red flags.
She took me to a work event, and she was on the dance floor chasing a guy around trying to undo his shirt, I think she had forgot that a was there, or couldn’t see as I was sat at a table. She had previously told me that she is a woman in a man’s work environment and they often try it on at work events so she has to act professionally, but I guess that she doesn’t once she’s had a drink, and she is away in hotels with these guys most weeks with work.
Then the next red flag was her telling me when I first met her that she would never cheat on anyone as she has had it done to her. Then she decided weeks later to tell me she had an affair on her first husband, and she was worried incase someone else told me about this.
Also when I first met her she told me she had been single for “ages” and has to go on holidays alone as she had been single for so long….. Then we were going on holiday and I seen her passport… Turns out she was on holiday with a boyfriend the previous year, and she had only been single sereral months, and this ex was about to be discussed when she was on a call to a friend while in the car, she hung up the call so i couldn’t hear. Apparently he cheated on her, so she had just wanted to forget about him and not talk about him. So I never found out the actual story as she said it was too embarrassing to discuss.
Also when we first met she told me that people who have their phone on silent and face down have something to hide. Well towards the end this was what she did, she wouldn’t let her phone out of her sight. And she would always be texting male friends from work…. I didn’t really mind this as she had knew them for years and would discuss their conversations with me.
So our relationship….. I thought we would have got married and grew old together, she did seem to really love me and want to be with me. But I had all these insecurities from the red flags and when I was drunk these topics would always come up resulting in arguments/splitting up, then making up the next day. I think this was because I didn’t feel like I could trust her, and hated how she had went on in the past, and it came out when I was drunk.
So it was a drunken argument that ended it, dispite her telling my family that we will get married and run away to Vegas that same night, she decided that she wasnt putting up with it anymore, and she wasnt giving me another chance.
Then it ended, I told her I didn’t want it to end, and I would change, and that the past doesn’t matter as long as we’re together, I even said I’d get professional help over my insecurities…. But she said there are no more chances.
So I’m stuck living next door to her, I work away so luckily I’ve not seen her for a couple of months. I’ve blocked her number and social media.
What’s the best way for me to act? Friendly? Or like I don’t care? I would want her back and think we could work it out as it was good when we were good.
Do you think I’ve got a chance of her coming back? It’s been over 30 days nc.
Like I say, she wanted to marry me, got on with my family, said she won’t get better then me, and was so lucky to have met me.
She recently spoke to my sister asking her to remind me that the winter/Xmas bedding was in my loft (I already knew this), also she’s saying she has a xmas present for my neice and daughter, I’m not sure why she’s doing this and being nice.
Thanks
Or do you think I was right to feel insecure from these red flags and that I’m best off without her?
I tell myself to give it time and I’ll feel better and not care about her, it’s been 3 months and is still a nightmare having her as a constant reminder next door.
David, I dated a male version similar to your ex. Red flags popped up, I felt like I couldn’t 100% trust him, I saw inconsistencies and sneakiness and my insecurities just raged. Yet a part of me wanted to marry and have his children. He ended things in a compassionless way, but he did me a favour. Breaking up was painful but the absolute best thing for me. Like me, I believe you are better off without a partner whose behaviour makes you become an unstable mess and a lesser version of yourself. It was right for both of us to feel insecure with all the red flags that were waved, we shouldn’t ignore them.
Sorry for your reminder next door! However, you may be able to use this situation to desensitize yourself to her and finally get over her instead of compartmentalizing it and not actually dealing with it. Let yourself go through that grief process. Don’t close yourself off to future possibilities with others.
My relationship after made me feel calm, safe, respected, valued and loved. I’m still not a full 100% over what happened in my last relationship but I’ve accepted the situation, moved on, and know time will continue to heal. The feelings are so strong and raw for you right now, but we both know it doesn’t have to last forever.
Hi Zan,
Apologies if you are seeing a similar comment from me – it doesn’t appear to have posted, even after I clicked ‘Post Comment’.
My ex split up with me about a month and a half ago. The day after, I made some post-break up mistakes by saying we work really well together, to give it another go etc. This stopped until I went over to hers the following week to collect my stuff. Whilst I didn’t beg for her, I did make some more mistakes… I said that I wish I could fix whatever has gone wrong and that I love her.
A week after the above, I made the mistake of texting her to say I miss her. As expected, I got a cold, admin-related response. I have been in no contact in the month since this incident, which happened two weeks after the break up.
The thing that really makes this difficult to work through, is that she was saying she loved me when she split up with me. She also said it multiple times when I went over to collect my stuff. This doesn’t align to the break up reason, where she said she doesn’t see a future. This was never elaborated on, it’s just a ‘feeling’ she has. It’s not based on a difference in views (politics, marriage, kids etc), anything I said or anything I did.
We also lived together in lockdown, which went really well and was really enjoyable. This was a shared view. So it seemed a huge test for the future had been passed. Two months later, she decides there isn’t a future based on this ‘feeling’.
What do you think went wrong? Could she possibly be confused? I don’t have any regrets about the level of effort or communication from my end, so I can hold my head high in that regard.
This was a year and a half long relationship. Do you think she will reach out at some point? Obviously I would really like to hear from her, but at the same time, it would just complicate things… Regardless of whether or not she wanted to reconcile. I try not to get my hopes up about that.
Hi Mick.
Don’t confuse her saying she loved you for romantic love. They are two completely different things. She was probably sad that her relationship has ended and felt guilty for breaking your heart.
I don’t know what wen’t wrong in your relationship, but I can tell you that she felt smothered and no longer felt the same way about you. Give it some time and you’ll soon figure out why she left. You’ll see things more clearly when you’ve detached.
I think she’ll reach out despite the post-breakup mistakes you’ve made. But her reaching out may not mean that she wants you back. Be aware of that.
Keep fighting the urge to reach out and you’ll soon feel better, Mick.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate you doing that. I’ll keep trying to stick to NC, amazed I’ve not interacted with her in a month. Hoping it gets easier.
Cheers,
Mick.
Hi Zan,
My ex split up with me about a month and a half ago. The day after the break up, I probably made some post breakup mistakes, by saying we can make it work, we’re meant to be etc.
I then stopped this until I picked up my stuff from hers a week later. Whilst I didn’t beg for her, I said I wished I could make it work and that I loved her. A week later, I made the mistake of texting her to say I missed her, with the result being a cold, admin-related response. I’ve been in no contact for the month since this incident, which is two weeks after the break up happened.
Since reading your blog, I’ve been forcing myself not to interact with her. The trouble is, I’m finding it hard to navigate through the break up because she said she loved me when ending it. She also said this multiple times when I went round to collect my stuff. To me, it doesn’t make sense to say this to someone you don’t see a future with (the reason for the break up). I really was blindsided, as we lived together in lockdown and she said she really enjoyed that. She never elaborated on the reason for not seeing a future, she said it was just based on a feeling; rather than a difference in views on marriage, kids etc. It also had nothing to do with anything I had done or said… I put my best effort into the relationship right until the very end.
This was a year and a half long relationship, where we were really integrated into each other’s lives. What do you think went wrong? Do you think this person will reach out at all, especially after the post-break up mistakes I made in the first two weeks?
I try not to get my hopes up for contact, as I do feel it would complicate the situation (regardless of whether or not she wanted to reconcile). But a part of me obviously does really want to hear from her again.
FYI, I feel like I’m in the depression/anger phase of the break up, right now.
Nice write up. Will never talk to my ex when I run to him because I see it as needless. in my case i was the dumpee so i fel hurt and used. never again will i talk to him.
Hi Sallie.
There’s no need to talk to your ex if it hurts you.
Keep healing instead!
Zan
Zan very helpful article! So we definitely don’t need to talk woth an ex dumper! Always learning more information from you about breakups. I’m very grateful for that 🤍
Thanks as always, Linda!
I learn something new every day, so thank you for reading!
Best regards,
Zan
Another great article Zan,
Question, if our ex blocked us passively after agreement and also lives far enough to not bump into eachother will INC work for making them realise worth? Either way day by day its making me happier about life so it totally works.
My relationship was amazing but we ran into issues out of our hands and I wanted to work it out and she lost feelings when it built up. No real hard feelings, miss her a bunch but im getting there. Guess thats life though, Ill always cherish the good times. I have been a very lucky guy.
Thanks
Hi M.
NC will definitely return happiness to you. It’s only a matter of time. As for your ex, it may or may not make her realize your worth. It’s hard to say because it depends on what your ex thinks and the experiences she goes through.
Moreover, physical distance doesn’t lower chances of reconciliation. If anything, it makes it easier for your ex to miss you.
Stay strong, M.
You’ll pull through this!
Zan
Thanks zan, I really appreciate the response. Joined the discord too and its amazing to talk to people going through tough times too.
Keep writing these blogs, it helps so many