If you’re anxiously trying to get your ex back, you need to understand that the breakup doesn’t just hit the dumper out of the blue after a certain period of time. The breakup hits the dumper when the dumper realizes he or she isn’t happy about the breakup and that his or her life will never be the same without the dumpee.
That’s when feelings of regret and nostalgia kick in and make the dumper want to once again be with his or her ex and feel secure.
Most of the time, dumpers don’t come back gradually (by befriending their ex and then slowly dancing back into their ex’s heart). That would imply that dumpers aren’t smothered/repulsed and that they redevelop feelings while talking to their ex.
Dumpers usually come back very quickly (after realizing they’d made a mistake). And they do it because they’re unhappy and want their unhappiness to end as quickly as possible. They don’t want to suffer longer than they have to, so they return to the ex they felt comfortable with and attracted to.
That means that dumpees are dumpers’ backup plans (methods for easing pain and living an emotionally fulfilling life).
You mustn’t assume that exes come back just because they’re still in love and remember the good times they shared with their ex. 99.9% of the time, that isn’t the case as dumpers are over their ex long before they initiate the breakup.
They don’t want to be romantically involved with their ex after the separation because the thought of investing emotionally in their ex smothers them and makes them crave even more space and time away from their ex.
So to make it simple, the breakup hits the dumper when the dumper takes the dumpee for granted and overestimates his or her abilities and worth. Such circumstances hurt the dumper’s self-esteem and pride and allow him or her to think of the dumpee as a valuable person who always recognized his or her romantic value.
If a hurt dumper lacks the knowledge and strength to overcome his or her pain and problems, the dumper may essentially start craving the dumpee’s presence, personality, and validation and eventually cave into the temptation of being with a person who gave him or her a sense of safety.
Pain, unhappiness, stress, and unrealized expectations are the biggest and most common reasons dumpers hit the regret stage of a breakup and reconcile. Dumpers going through the regret stage essentially feel a strong desire for internal peace and stability. They wish to take the shortcut to happiness, which entails reconnecting with a familiar person who can instantly make them avoid dealing with new and old problems.
Most dumpees want their ex to miss them right after the breakup and hope that their ex will have a hard time throwing the relationship away. But sadly, that’s not how the dumper’s mind works. Immediately after the breakup, the dumper is relieved and happy with the breakup.
There’s nothing he or she would trade for an ex who made him or her unhappy or even miserable. It’s usually much later that the dumper processes the breakup and wishes he or she had not abandoned the relationship.
Something needs to happen to the dumper before the dumper has an “aha” moment. And that something is anything that encourages or forces self-reflection.
In today’s post, we answer the question, “When does the breakup hit the dumper?”
When does the breakup hit the dumper?
To make it as simple as possible, the breakup hits the dumper when the dumper isn’t prepared for life without the dumpee. When he or she thinks that life will be better without the dumpee but is proven otherwise is when the dumper faces reality and perhaps even admits that he or she was in the wrong too.
Something unpredictable and unpleasant has to happen to the dumper to make him or her think, compare the past to the present, trigger nostalgia and fears, and increase the dumpee’s value in the dumper’s eyes.
I’m talking about something bad like:
- a poor dating experience
- an ugly breakup
- loneliness
- a loss of self-esteem
- anxiety or depression
- and anything that hurts the dumper’s ego and makes the dumper realize his or her mistakes, flaws, and limits
It sucks, but the breakup tends to hit the dumper later rather than sooner (weeks or months later). That’s because the dumper needs to go through the breakup stages before anything difficult can happen to the dumper and affect him or her in the right kind of way.
If something bad happens to the dumper early on (let’s say a week after the breakup), the dumper is still feeling extremely relieved and can most likely handle whatever issue he or she is facing.
For difficulties to affect the dumper in ways you want them to, the dumper must first lower his or her guard and become susceptible to stress, anxiety, and problems. This can happen when the dumper enters the neutrality stage of a breakup.
In this stage, the dumper is no longer protected by empowering emotions created by the breakup and is instead forced to deal with the issues at hand. “Effective” issues can be any difficulties or problems that the dumper previously didn’t have to deal with because of post-breakup relief and elation.
So if you want to know, “When does the breakup hit the dumper,” know that it happens when the dumper:
- enters the neutrality stage (has enough space and time to enjoy post-breakup freedom)
- reflects on the relationship
- realizes the dumpee’s worth and his/her mistakes
- redevelops feelings and respect for the dumpee
- and regrets leaving a relationship he or she should have committed to and worked on
Regret is conditional as it hits a person when the above conditions are met.
Don’t think your ex will suffer from separation anxiety and a lack of attention from you just because that’s what you’re going through. Always remember that your ex is going through a completely different post-breakup experience and that you’re the dumpee (the person who was rejected).
You need to put yourself in your ex’s shoes and your ex in yours. Ask yourself, “What would my ex need for the break up to hit him/her? How would my ex have to think and feel to regret breaking up with me?”
If you give it some serious thought, you’ll realize that it’s quite simple, really. Your ex has to feel how you feel right now (or how you felt right after the breakup if it’s been a while since you got broken up with).
Your ex’s thinking patterns and perception of you have to improve considerably. And for that to happen, something significant must go awry. Something big that slaps your ex in the face and brings your ex back to reality.
So remember, the breakup hits the dumper not when the dumpee convinces the dumper he or she is a person of high value, but when something unpredictable, shocking, and painful happens to the dumper. You need to get rid of the idea that you need to make your ex see your worth with determination.
Your ex won’t be able to see the value you bring to the table as long as he or she is happy and capable of moving forward with his or her life.
That being said, here’s when the breakup hits the dumper.
Accept that you can’t single-handedly make your ex regret leaving you
The two hardest things for dumpees to accept are the breakup itself and that they lack the power to influence their ex after the separation. That’s why dumpees often do desperate things that make their space-deprived ex even more tired of them.
Sometimes they play jealousy games and other times they stay in touch with their ex and try to show how “reliable” they can be. They don’t understand that interfering with their dumper’s need for space is ruining the chances of their ex wanting to be with them.
They normally learn much later that friendliness comes across as desperation and that it has the opposite of the desired effect.
Many dumpees fear they’re in a race against time and that they need to make their ex fall back in love with them before someone else does. What they don’t usually understand is that time is on their side as the more time they give their ex, the more their ex can appreciate space and get in some kind of trouble.
Don’t forget that your ex can’t lose feelings he or she doesn’t have. Your ex has already lost them and doesn’t see a future with you. You need to give your ex the space he or she has directly or indirectly asked for and wait for something or someone to change your ex’s opinion of you.
Of course, don’t just sit around and wait. Do try to rebuild your life and move on because you could wait a very long time (maybe forever) for your ex to have an epiphany and feel something for you again. Detachment and emotional independence are something you should strive for as soon as you get out of denial.
They will restore your happiness and also make you look more secure and attractive to your ex.
I’m not saying your ex won’t ever come back if you keep talking to your ex and making other post-breakup mistakes. But I can guarantee that it will complicate the process for both of you. Especially for you because you’ll keep hoping your ex notices your improvements.
So keep in mind that your ex will change his or her mind only if your ex (without your aid) realizes that he or she made a mistake and that it’s time to fix it. It’s unfortunate that your ex has to relearn your worth alone, but that’s how breakups are and have to be.
When we take things for granted and overestimate our competence, we must be on our own and fail hard. Nothing hurts more than failure, rejection, and an understanding that we were wrong and selfish in the pursuit of our happiness or goals.
So if you want to understand when the breakup will hit the dumper, it will hit him/her when the dumper’s concept of the post-breakup life fails to become a reality. That’s when the dumper will enter the regret stage of a breakup and contemplate giving the dumpee another try.
When does the breakup hit the male dumper?
When the breakup hits the male dumper strongly depends on the dumper’s reasons for leaving. If the male dumper left because he got tired of nagging and controlling behavior, for example, he can become nostalgic and regretful when he dates someone who’s more nagging and controlling.
A new (bad) relationship can force him to see that he downgraded or help him realize that relationships require compromise and that he’ll never be happy unless he starts to cooperate. In other words, if the person he’s with doesn’t give him the fulfillment he’s looking for, he can start to regret his actions and wish he’d been more patient and understanding toward his ex’s feelings, behavior, and requests.
Men are rational creatures. We discover very quickly that we used to be happier in the past. But sadly, we usually need to compare our ex to someone else to have a strong realization. It’s through comparisons that we discern we’ve messed up big time and that we need to do something about it before it’s too late.
Sadness, loneliness, boredom, and depression can also make us miss our ex and want our ex back. But a new failed or unfulfilling relationship tends to hurt us more and prove a better point as it makes us see that we have neglected ourselves and have things to work on.
When does the breakup hit the female dumper?
Women are not much different from guys when it comes to regretting breakups. They also need to be unhappy and out of options/romantic interests to go back to someone they had given up on. To go back, though, they must have a strong connection with their ex or a strong desire for connection.
Usually, they recreate the desire for connection, love, and security when they fail to establish a strong bond with someone else.
If you want a female dumper to regret dumping you, you must let her see that you respect yourself as well as her. And the best way you can do that is to remove yourself from her life and let her experience her new life without you. If she falls over and gets hurt, she could remember that you used to be there for her and try to relive that experience.
But if she’s doing great or okay, then she probably won’t do that. She’ll continue to move on instead and maybe even think that dumping you was the right thing to do.
No matter how happy she was with you and what she does after the breakup, make sure to respect her desire for space and let her come to you. You can’t force someone to love you. Especially not if that person feels suffocated and/or thinks you’re responsible for her unhappiness.
What if the breakup doesn’t hit the dumper?
If the breakup doesn’t hit your ex, the good thing about it is that you’ll eventually be okay with it, forget about your ex, and move on. You’ll be in indefinite no contact, so you’ll stop caring whether it hits the dumper or not. Your healing and happiness will take priority over an ex who abandoned you and didn’t self-improve and rediscover your worth.
Sometimes dumpers need years or decades to fail hard enough to want to reconnect with an ex. You mustn’t put your life on hold for that long. You must keep moving forward and do your best to detach. Detachment is what you’re hoping for.
You just don’t know that right now because your focus is on your ex.
Rest assured that your ex will contact you if he or she wants to be with you badly enough. Regretful dumpers reach out because they’re in pain and can’t stand not speaking to an ex they respect, love, and want to reconnect with on a deeper level.
It doesn’t matter how stubborn they are. If they value their ex and regret throwing the relationship away, they want or rather need to contact their ex to invest and be invested in. The fear of losing their ex is so painful for them that they reach out and try to get their ex back.
Your ex may not contact you in the most desperate, straightforward manner, but he or she will nonetheless make it obvious that he or she wants you back. Anxiety, fear, and a need to reconcile will make sure of it.
Until that happens, you need to be patient and present yourself in the most attractive light possible.
However, if your ex never regrets breaking up with you, then that’s okay too! When you lose feelings for your ex, you’ll see things from a completely different angle. You’ll understand that your ex wasn’t on the same page with you and that you deserve way more than he or she could have given you.
When do you think the breakup hits the dumper? Did any of your exes come back? If so, what was their reason/approach? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you prefer to talk about it privately, visit our coaching page for more info.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Love the article 🙂
I caught my gf cheating on me. She got angry because she got caught and told me “Get outta here and don’t ever come back here”. I didn’t argue or anything and just left.
She is 37 and desperate to get married because of her biological clock is ticking and she wants 2 kids naturally, so I think she may have started dating the affair partner (someone new or some ex) behind my back for the last few months. If she wasn’t get caught cheating on me, I think she wouldn’t have let me go.
I have been No Contact since the day I caught her cheating. After 2 months from that day, I saw her on the dating app, so It seems like the affair partner dumped her or she dumped the affair partner.
I don’t want her back. But, the part of me still want an apology from her.
Do you think she may ever have regret cheating on me and losing me? WIll I ever get an apology from her?
Thank you!
Hi Desi.
She’s on the dating app, so she hasn’t regretted it yet. She might if things go really, really badly for her. As in if someone betrays her and makes her see that you’re the best option for her.
Stay in NC and things will get better!
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan, my ex blindsided me 2 months ago. We were together for 2.5 years. I had moved from my city to the island she lived to be together, adopted a dog, and had a normal life.
Because of my moving there was a lot of stress in the relationship – no friends, or family, starting to build an online business because some things didn’t pan out, obviously financial problems on my side, but she supported me a lot, and I was trying my best, sometimes getting overwhelmed by my stress a lot which she often took as her own.
She had an abusive (cheated on her multiple times) ex before me for 10 years and childhood issues (which made her, obviously, stay in that abusive relationship longer). She may also be an avoidant, which didnt always show.
Long story short, the breakup happened after we visisted my city, and everything was going alright, then I’d stay in my city for 5 days more. After seeing some mutual friends, she called me and asked me to go to a group trip with them, to which I said, yes. 2 days later, she told me to breakup, over the phone and I went there. She was crying a ton, blaming herself, saying it will prolly be the worst choice of her life. Then she said she wanted to be together in the future.
Now, during the 2 months, there was always contact which messed up my recovery timeline and her breakup stages and a lot of other things. Mostly because none of us exactly let go. If I didnt contact for 2-3 days, she did.
I then proceeded to tell her that I should block her because I can’t see her posts on fb, or see when she is online etc. To which she initially replied with anger, but quickly changed her demeanor so as to not seem so angry and told me that if it helps me, I should do that. Even post breakup she always spoke very kindly (both of us). We never argued. Come next day, she messaged me that she will stop posting on facebook so I won’t have to see her posts, and that she would have hated for me to block her.
I’m confused with her. I started no contact, and trying to detach and build myself up again. What do you say?
Sorry for the long post, but you’re the only blog I’ve found who sounds as if you know what you’re saying.
Hi John.
You must stop talking to her and do your best to detach from her. She associates stress with you due to all the stressors you experienced made her feel. Talking to her isn’t going to make these things go away. It will just make it worse because it will suffocate and anger her. That’s why the best thing you can do is to separate the bond by going no contact. Tell her you have nothing against her but that since she’s broken things off that you have no choice but to look after yourself. She may or may not understand where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t matter.
From now on, it’s about you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi!
Would really appreciate some advice.. me and ex broke up in late November early December.. I want to ask, what if ex reached out after a couple of weeks, but I was still in the unstable stage so did not respond? He tried a couple of times with the miss you and pictures of stuff that I liked texts but I only responded to the Christmas and new years greetings.. he also called at the beginning of the year where I missed it. I didn’t call back as I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk to him yet. I’ve heard he had got covid again the past few days, not sure if I should check in if I still want him back..
Bianca,
You made me happy today reading that you made it through cancer. I think your body reacted with a tumor because of all the pain he caused you. I know as a dumpee myself that during such pain we don’t take care of ourselves. Again, the fact that you powered through a breakup while ridding your body of cancer means you are made of tougher stuff than most.
I’m with you in regard to indifference. Also I liked the point you made about asking ourselves would we knowingly want to have someone so destructive around while we’re undergoing extreme hardship. I think it’s a blessing that he dumped you—you dodged a bullet by him running. In the beginning, two years is really just a beginning, those are supposed to be the good times where we bond with someone. We bond like that to face life together. If he tapped out so soon after being so smitten—then he is a superficial cardboard cutout of a man. He’s not capable of anything more.
Life is beautiful Bianca, I’m sending you good thoughts!
Thank you, Claire! Your words really touched me and your final description of my ex made me laugh out loud: “superficial cardboard cutout of a man” is actually very accurate! I totally agree that I dodged a bullet (or more like projectile).
I’m so glad he’s no longer part of my life. In a few months’ time I’ll probably be ready to put myself out there and start dating again, but I’m not in a hurry. To avoid making the same mistakes and living in fear of another failure, I’d like to start out focusing on positive relationship examples that are inspiring and then just keep moving forward, putting one firm foot in front of the other.
I hope you’re in a good place, Claire. I’m also sending you a bunch of positive thoughts! And lots of encouragement to any dumpees that are still in recovery.
Hi Zan,
This is a letter of thanks, which I’ve owed you for a long time.
A year ago today, my ex told me he wanted to put an end to our two-year relationship. Despite being a cruel and damaging person to almost everyone around him (especially women), I didn’t see it coming. I had never invested so much in anyone. I’d like to give you summary of the year because life has funny ways of teaching us to value ourselves, even when EVERYTHING goes wrong.
I’d known my ex for years because we spent every summer at the same place. But we’d hardly ever spoken to each other until 3 summers ago. Then the fireworks went off. At the beginning he was smitten. He’d message me all day and never tired of telling me that I was the woman he’d always dreamed of. We got on brilliantly at every level. Then the first cracks appeared. He would disappear and began to show a mean side, never giving any explanation as to why he was acting so hostilely. I was convinced I was at fault. This, of course, was very convenient for him.
I could go on for hours about how much time, energy and love I invested in him and his daughters, but there would be nothing exceptional about that. We all do that when we’re in love. Even more so when we feel we may be losing the person we want so badly to be with. But the summer before he dumped me, I began to sense that he had become detached and tried to talk to him about it. I may as well have been trying to resuscitate a dodo. Just after our second anniversary, the ghosting began. I can’t describe the anguish of those weeks until he finally showed up to tell me we were done. I was broken to the point of feeling physically sick.
In a nutshell, he eventually came to see me and dumped me, saying that we were incompatible. I asked him if he was interested in anyone else and he mocked me in my face, making sure I would walk away believing that I was the problem and clearly not good enough for him. Oddly, he refused to take his stuff back and kept mine hostage. Then he invited himself on a skiing trip I was going to take with my daughters. I was speechless and said he was out of his mind.
I immediately went no contact. I also took the very unexceptional route of looking for people online who could give me answers and help me make him realize the terrible mistake he’d made. I came across all of the gurus who make 90-day promises and then I found you. And you know, you were the only one who made any sense. I would read and reread your blog to muster up courage and make sure I never reached out. In fact, when HE contacted ME at Christmas, then at the beginning of the year and when on my birthday in March, he sent flowers, 20+ messages and even called me, I kept my cool and followed your advice. Yes, he was breadcrumbing me to assuage his own guilty conscience. So predictable.
The thing is that we were never going to make it in the long run, and that’s fine. But the way he went about it was so cowardly and damaging. He made me feel like a piece of rubbish. He made me question everything about myself, beginning with the most important issue of all: Why didn’t I see the signs, thus allowing myself to be dragged into a relationship that left me ravaged? It’s not a question you can answer overnight. First you have to wipe yourself out to become an individual. You have to put all self-pity aside and rediscover the essence of your being, and then learn to respect and feel proud of that being again.
Anyway, soon after my birthday (about 4 months after being dumped and still pretty sad), I noticed something weird going on in one of my breasts. I’m superhealthy and not that old so I went to the doctor thinking it would be nothing. But it turned out to be cancer. On both sides. After 42 medical appointments, countless MRIs, CAT scans, biopsies and ultrasounds, an operation leaving three scars and two nights in hospital, I’ve now reached the final stage. I’ve so far had 3 of 20 radiotherapy sessions. This will all end just before the New Year. I am one of the lucky ones who’ve managed to beat it.
What I feel now, after much thought, is that the most important moment as a dumpee is not when the dumper is struck by the epiphany that they’ve made a mistake (NEVER wait for this), but when the dumpee is hit by the feeling of indifference. It’s the most gratifying moment ever and I promise it does come. But Zan is so so so so so right. You have to delve into your own darkest corners and ask really unpleasant questions about yourself, try to find some answers, and then rise from the ashes like a phoenix. This can take a while, but as long as your taking steps forward, you’ll make it. OK, so having cancer was definitely an effective crash course in getting my life back on track, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a method to get over breakups. But if you’ve had your heart broken try asking whether at a time where you’re literally fighting something that could kill you, you’d really want to have your dumper there, causing even more pain.
I don’t pop by your blog so much anymore, Zan, but please do know that my road would have been a lot rockier without your words.
Oh! BTW, I found out in June that a female friend of one of my ex’s friends moved in with him last December (!!!!!!!). The previous summer, we’d invited this woman to dinner on several occasions. She was a professional snake. When my ex found out in June this year that I was on my summer vacation and nearby, he showed up with his new girlfriend twice. He tried to act like we were old friends. She looked at me as if she’d just seen a cockroach. As you can imagine, I was all out of fucks to give. It was pathetic. In fact, after his two friendly visits, he messaged me saying that seeing me look so uncomfortable had made HIM uncomfortable (go figure!) when all he’d really wanted was to have a nice chat. I told him that now that everything was clear to me, I would go and put our relationship in its proper place (the dump) and asked him to please refrain from contacting me again. He said I’d got it all wrong and that this saddened him given how fond he was of me blabla. Whatever. I never wrote back.
Anyway, thanks a million Zan!
Hello Zan,
You have mentioned in other posts that the dumpers “usually” come back fast rather than later because they realize very soon that their decision was wrong for whatever reasons but yet again you say that they need time, months or years for the breakup to hit the dumper. Which is true because they have to experience negative feelings and appreciate what they had once. Those who come back fast are immature and a ticking bomb for the relationship.
For that negative feelings to occur, time is crucial. In my opinion and personal experience, the time for the dumper to come back or at least to reach out and test the waters is between 4 to 12 months. Is quite impossible or “fakeup” for a person to suddenly change such strong feelings or come to a realization in just a couple of weeks/months.
Do you agree?
P.S: I’m talking about relatively good relationships with no severe mental or health issues, no infidelity or abuse.
Sincerely,
Mac
Hi Mac, I was initially confused too but then I thought about it and understood that what Zan means by “fast” is that once the dumper gets hurt and wants to return, he/she does it “fast” as he/she is very hurt and cannot patiently wait or play games.
So yes, it takes the dumper slow months or years to have a bad experience and miss their ex. But once it happens, their response is then very fast. Zan is not talking about the “fake ups” where the dumper returns almost immediately.
I hope this interpretation helps.
Hi Mac.
I apologize for the confusion. As BR stated, an ex who plans to return does it very quickly. He or she doesn’t play any games.
Thanks for commenting!
Zan
I’m super lucky that I found you, Zan, to help me through the process of breakup and your blog!
And after some long work I finally lost feelings for my ex, and now as you said I see things from a completely different angle. I see and understand that he wasn’t on the same page with me and that I deserve someone way better him.
But all this comes with a lot of work so I’m always grateful for your help Zan!!
Thank you again ❤️
I’m humbled, Linda, thank you.
Always happy to read your comments and see how far you’ve come!
Best,
Zan