Sometimes exes realize they made a terrible decision and come back. They run back to their ex (their backup plan) and try to obtain what they lack and need to feel fulfilled. They say they regret leaving and that they want to take the relationship seriously and prove their commitment.
Because they’re unhappy, they’re willing to do anything to regain their ex’s trust. Some exes (typically those who cheated and monkey-branched) are even willing to hand their login information to their ex.
By wanting to go above and beyond, they show they regret leaving and hurting their ex and that they appreciate their ex giving them another chance.
Dumpers who messed up badly know they need to make it up to their ex or there’s a chance their ex will say no or lose interest and dump them.
That would cause them to lose something they need from their ex – something they came back for and feel dependent on. In turn, they would suffer immensely and have no choice but to accept their loss and move on the slow way – by processing the breakup naturally.
Therefore, we can say that exes come back because they don’t want to slowly deal with some issue or emotion. They want to avoid dealing with the difficult side of life by reattaching to their ex and relying on him or her for support and recognition.
Deep inside, they know their ex can empower them and make them forget their failures, mistakes, and pain.
So if you want to learn what makes an ex come back, know that it’s usually nothing nice. Most of the time, an ex comes back because of some problem that he or she can’t deal with alone or without the dumpee’s help.
The dumper basically realizes that life didn’t get any better after the breakup and that he or she had an overly high opinion of him/herself. This realization causes the dumper to finally notice the dumpee’s ability to make his or her life easier and better.
In other words, the dumper sees the dumpee’s value as a partner and regrets chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He or she not only wants but also needs the dumpee back.
Another chance at reconciliation instantly eases his or her anxiety and provides the dumper with the relationship benefits he or she previously took for granted.
So bear in mind that there can be multiple reasons for an ex to come back. The most common reasons include something negative like a romantic rejection, a breakup, fear of being alone, and difficulty loving oneself.
Feelings return the quickest and most often when an ex gets hurt as that’s when he or she can finally admit that he or she was selfish and didn’t value the dumpee’s good traits and commitment. He or she just focused on the bad traits and left when the relationship became difficult to maintain and invest in.
Dumpers essentially need a strong incentive to come back and give the relationship another try. They need to change their thinking from “My ex was the problem” to “I took my ex for granted and thought I could be happier without him/her.”
When their thinking changes, they disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from their ex and start missing their ex romantically. They want to communicate with their ex and get back with their ex as quickly as possible.
A quick reconciliation prevents them from dwelling on their bad decisions and allows them to feel better in the quickest way possible as it provides them with attention and validation.
Always remember that reconciliations are dumpers’ plan B. They’re backup plans for when they try to replace their ex but fail.
Oftentimes, they try to replace their ex with another romantic person or friends, hobbies, and interests. It doesn’t matter what or who they try to replace their ex with.
If they can’t do it, they think of their ex, become nostalgic and regretful, and run back to their ex before their ex moves on and finds what they weren’t able to find on their own – inner peace and happiness.
Their unhappiness and their ex’s happiness and stability can motivate them to see their ex in a positive light and urge them to lean on their ex for emotional support and love.
So if you’re wondering what makes exes come back, bear in mind that two main things need to happen for them to come running back.
They need to be miserable and see that you’re in control of your emotions and life. They need to see you thrive and enjoy your life without them.
This can further increase their pain and make them want a piece of your pie (happiness).
That’s why if you’re trying to get back with your ex, you’ll need to preserve your worth and present yourself as a confident, self-loving individual. You’ll need to love yourself more than your ex and let your ex see that unlike him or her, you’re moving on and doing things that give you purpose.
The better your life is compared to your ex’s, the bigger the chance that your ex will compare himself or herself to you and feel so insecure that your ex reaches out to you and asks to get back together.
In this post, we discuss what makes an ex come back and what you can do to increase your chances of reconciliation.
What makes an ex come back?
If you’re thinking of reattracting your ex with sweet gestures, you may as well call your ex names and burn your bridges. Sweet gestures won’t make your ex see what he or she is missing out on because they’ll overwhelm your ex with emotions and expectations and push your ex away.
Apologies, promises, and effort don’t make an ex want to come back. If anything, they make the dumper feel overprioritized and emotionally depended on. They kill his or her remaining respect, curiosity, and interest—and make it harder for the dumper to regret leaving.
So forget about saying something to an ex or doing something with or for an ex. Forget about showing you’ve learned your lessons and improved as a person and a partner. Personal growth alone isn’t enough for the dumper to come back and beg for another chance.
Growth only helps exes get along better once they’ve agreed to give the relationship another go.
That doesn’t mean you should ignore your need to learn and improve, though. You should still work on your shortcomings and try to grow as much as you can. If you’re serious about growth, the improvements you make will stick with you for life.
My only advice is not to think of your changes and improvements as a workable reconciliation tactic. The things you’ve worked on won’t have the desired effect unless they’re done in combination with other reconciliation strategies.
One of such strategies is the indefinite no contact rule. This rule will encourage you to keep your distance from your ex and prevent your ex from feeling pressured by you. The rules of no contact will be your guidelines.
They’ll help you regain control of your life and show your ex you don’t need him or her to survive and be happy.
Also, keep in mind that no contact isn’t a manipulation technique. It doesn’t intend to deprive your ex of attention and love and make him or her think you’re the dumper. In a breakup, it’s clear who the dumper is.
It’s the person who lost feelings and left or forced the other person to leave.
When you get dumped, you have to respect your ex’s need for space and the decision to move on without you. The best way to do that is to avoid falling into the friend zone with your ex and cut your ex off. Say you want to focus on yourself and that you’ll reach out if you think you can be friends.
This will tell your ex you’re not open to receiving meaningless breadcrumbs and that you’d rather be alone.
Of course, no contact on its own doesn’t re-attract the dumper either. No contact isn’t a surefire re-attraction method that forces the dumper to be with you.
It’s just a respect-giving and respect-preserving tool, which lets the dumper know you respect his or her decision and that you respect yourself enough not to reach out and beg for love and forgiveness.
The point of no contact is to learn to accept the breakup and let the dumper see if he or she can be happy without you. Initially, the dumper will likely be overjoyed. He or she will think the breakup was long overdue and that he or she has never been happier.
You might notice your ex going out a lot, drinking and partying, and changing his or her clothing and communication style. Life will be very good for your ex until it isn’t.
If/when things go awry and crush your ex’s post-breakup expectations, your ex could quickly learn that your absence hasn’t fixed his or her issues and unhappiness and that it only made your ex feel infatuated due to feeling pressured and wanting to leave for so long.
That’s when your ex (thanks to your no contact rule, happiness, and self-improvement) could become curious about you and decide to check up on you. Your ex could also get back with you, provided he or she sees no other way to move forward and be happy.
So keep in mind that usually, pain is what makes an ex come back after the breakup. Pain forces the dumper to reflect and realize that you were a good partner who’s now moving on and doing his or her best to enjoy life.
Strength and purpose make you look reliable and attractive—especially when your ex lacks these very same traits.
You shouldn’t worry too much about how to make your ex want you back. Until your ex has failed in some important way and gotten hurt, your attempts at being with your ex will only make things worse. They’ll put immense pressure on your ex and backfire on you (hurt you).
Hence, I urge you to let go of control for now. Go no contact with your ex and do your best to detach. Rest assured that your ex will contact you and do the necessary work when your ex encounters problems he or she can’t or doesn’t want to resolve without your help.
Of course, your ex might just rely on you for support, but at least your ex will reach out to you of his or her own accord. Your ex will show interest in you, even if that interest isn’t romantic.
So if you’re still trying to figure out what makes an ex come back, it’s not your words and actions that trigger his or her fears of losing you.
No contact is important, but so are your ex’s problems and his/her way of dealing with problems. If your ex lacks the tools to resolve difficulties on his or her own or with the help of others, your ex could contact you to get back with you under the guise of wanting to catch up.
Expect your ex to take the initiative (break no contact) and want you back when your ex encounters a predicament that destroys his or her happiness and self-esteem and improves his or her perception of you.
That’s when your ex will make the job easier for you as your ex will need you to empower him or her.
With that said, here’s what makes an ex come back.
What makes an ex not come back?
Some things make an ex not come back or make it harder for him or her to return. I call them breakup mistakes. The more mistakes a dumpee makes and the longer he or she makes these mistakes, the smaller the chance that the dumper will feel respected and respect the dumpee back.
As you know, a lack of respect will make it incredibly difficult for the dumper to become nostalgic, regretful, and scared of moving on without the dumpee. It will make it extremely tempting to stay away from the dumpee and do his or her own things.
Things that don’t make him or her feel pressured, guilt-tripped, and irritated.
So what are some breakup mistakes that hinder the dumper from coming back?
The most common and dangerous mistake that won’t get you your ex back is begging and pleading. Although most dumpees chase their ex and try to change their ex’s mind for a while (typically a few days), most dumpers don’t cause irreparable damage to the broken relationship.
They just annoy their ex for a bit and back off when they realize they can’t reason with their ex. Begging is problematic mainly when a dumpee begs for weeks or months. Long-term begging tends to put immense pressure on the dumper and causes him or her to lose all respect for the dumpee.
When respect is gone, dumpers often say and do mean things that make the dumpee feel even more rejected and hurt.
Another breakup mistake your ex will have a hard time forgiving you for is stalking. Showing up unannounced at your ex’s house, work, or vacation will completely shred your ex’s care for you.
It will cause so much damage that your ex will consider blocking you from everything and getting a restraining order against you. That will obviously be the end of the relationship and any potential friendship.
So will any vengeful deed. If you take revenge on your ex and/or try to ruin your ex’s reputation, your ex will permanently delete you from his or her life and refuse to forgive you even if you apologize and explain why you acted impulsively.
Some mistakes just can’t be undone. You won’t recover from them because you’ll prove you can’t be trusted.
So avoid doing anything your ex doesn’t want you to do. Instead of trying to regain control of the breakup, let go of it and get comfortable with the breakup. Nothing will make you more desirable than showing you’ve accepted the end of the relationship and learned to live your life without your ex-partner.
When you prove your life has gained purpose outside of the relationship, your ex won’t immediately come back. But he or she will respect you or at least avoid thinking you’re unworthy of respect.
At that point, your ex will need a good reason to be with you. That reason will likely have to make your ex feel emotional to the point where your ex chooses a familiar person (you) to rely on.
Until that happens, adhere to no contact and live life with joy and passion.
What do you think are the reasons for an ex to come back after a breakup? Have you ever had an ex return? Let us know in the comments section below the post. We’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you’re looking for personalized advice on your breakup, get in touch with us via our breakup coaching service.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I was the dumper from my ‘serious’ relationships, but I was not the one who ran back to my first and second. I remember both my exes desiring to speak right away and months later on but I think the first was too busy with his new girlfriend. Both were different reasons as to why I could not converse right away because I was already mourning about the loss of a relationship and the trust was gone.
The first relationship was very unhealthy since he went through a phase of anger, became very spiteful, did his best to destroy my reputation which he did. I mean, why would a dumper want to talk to a dumpee going through a phase being furious and yes it was his own pain process but it became too vengeful. I know the damage became worse when he threaten me. I get it dumpees hurt in many ways as much as dumpers do, but I don’t remember being so vengeful and destructive when the relationship ended. Despite it can be tempting to lash back when you have someone damaging your reputation and threatens you in the mix. As a rare case dumper, I refused to be a part of his life after the breakup that I decided. His true self shown how he treated me overtime and seem to be worse, along he was already with a new girlfriend (the day after I broke up with him). He basically jumped to a new relationship while he was harassing me for a week. I don’t remember being a ‘dumper’ who wanted to harm him, but I did struggle to not get super defensive due to how he acted towards me and what he said towards my family. If my life was in danger, I would not have tolerated it. Hence, I agree what you stated about this is a mistake for some people if they were desiring an ex back but do not be like this: “I’ll make you pay for breaking up with me.” I don’t think many dumpees do this from what I experienced as a dumper. All I can say is, it is not worth being vengeful towards any dumpee and dumper.
I remember first ex was giving mix messages at the time, and he seem to have a need to continue fighting and blaming me, but I never responded to his all his messages and communications. I was aware how mentally abusive he was. I had to go to therapy for almost a year until I could not afford it, but it helped me heal alone and I realized that I deserved better. I was not with a partner, I was with someone who did not appreciate what they had and thought it was OK to flirt around with other women, even taken ones, and not take accountability for their mistakes. He used to quietly despise his own family and mine as well, and yes he was not afraid of being very critical and sarcastic with everyone around him, but he did it more so with those closest to. I know and accepted that I made mistakes too, but the point is, the road of revenge is so destructive and it will not have your ex coming back again if that was the intended plan to bring them back.
My second ex basically used me as a rebound. So, I did not see a point of talking right away until I had calm down for the day, along with crying my eyes out quickly then had to go to work, and attend class that day. The harder part was I had to see him briefly in person for picking up an order in the restaurant. I could not look at him at the time, since I felt like a fool and was hurting too much. I was mostly blaming myself and in pain whenever I saw him in person. I don’t remember being angry anymore when I saw him, I just felt stupid. I knew he be OK since he had friends to support him, but I was surprised some were more disappointed towards him when I was talked to later on. I did talk to this ex-boyfriend but roughly 7 month later. The damage was already done though. He constantly talked about his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. He could not stop talking about her, their time together and how beautiful she was, and he did this too when we were together. I do not know why he blurt out that I was beautiful to him too when I would clarify this to any dumpee, it does not work at all to woo or fix a broken relationship if you go on and on about your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend then try to say your other ex you are talking to in person is lovely too.
Yes, this was in person, and I am not sure why he wanted to talk to me after 3 hours and it was the last time too. I did apologize right away when we were settled in a coffee shop. Apologized for my behavior but I could not go back to him as his girlfriend when he was not over this one woman (I assume at the time they were having problems in their relationship) and second I don’t appreciate being placed as second or third place or whatever place that was. I just was not important to him as much as he professed. I understood and listen to his pain process, and yes, we were adults about this. Zero fighting, zero lash backs, zero insults, zero blaming each other.
However, only briefly talking about us for about 5 minutes then he switched back to his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend conversation for about an hour and a half, told me who was important in his mind and heart. Yes, he did ask for a second chance but I told him truthfully, they usually do not work out (yes, I done that before with someone else). And I could not be his friend either, despite he asked this too. I forgiven him but I could not forget how he treated me, so there was no trust remaining. It was painful to me when I said I was sorry for what I did and that I would never be part of his life again.
I really wanted him to be happy, healthy and prosperous. He seemed to be doing better, except he struggled with money. I do not think he was a bad person, but he had some growing up to do. And I do not think I was better than him, but I was still mourning my loss towards my grandma at the time since I was close to her. She passed away not that long ago. I still had college to worry about. I had my mom I had to take care of too, and on top of work and taking care of the house on the side. It just made my schedule sparse. I did not see a full repair between us nor a future with him anymore. I cannot go back to someone who remains in contact with his exes, a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend and an ex-wife, along with their families, while I am being used as a somewhat-if-scenario. I refuse to be the other woman. I refuse to be a part of destroying a relationship or someone’s marriage. Commitments should be taken seriously. Yes, I was aware of my own mistakes too why this fell apart, but I don’t quietly communicate with exes and look for other options. I had to move forward, and wish him the best because he deserves an opportunity to be happy in life. And he will be better off without me since he had his other women in life. I hope he got his relationship(s) fixed by now which I am truly OK about that.
I think my exes return just due to some form of relief, assurance/reassurance, fearful, angry/sad, some form of validation or hope, vengeful or some form of loss. I cannot speak for them of course, since I am only one side of the story.
I think it is better to reflect and improve yourself and find a new happiness in your life until that confidence and love for yourself occurs. It does takes time to heal, and to forgive others and especially yourself. However, past mistakes should not be the final definition of whom you are. The improved version of whom you are is what defines you. Continue to improve and live your life as best as you can.
Hi Elaine.
Exes indeed return to deal with some negative emotion. They can’t or don’t want to stop feeling hurt on their own, so they contact their ex to make their life easier. They basically disturb their ex’s healing for their own needs and wants. If they have no intention of reflecting and investing in their ex, they soon leave again. This usually happen within two weeks of getting back together.
Best regards,
Zan
Should I respond to my ex if she is reaching out from a fake account?
Hi Adrian.
It’s up to you. You decide if you respond to strangers. Your ex will reach out directly if she has a change of heart.
Best,
Zan
The more I read posts like this, the more angry I become. Having loved my ex unconditionally despite his flaws it hurts he just gave up on me. And ‘reconciliations are always dumper’s backup plans’ also got me question if he even deserves a second chance. If somebody had to lose a person who cared about them, wait for months or years, fail with sb or sth else just to realize the dumpee’s worth, maybe we’re better off without these people. Also saying that breakup mistakes shatter our chances cuz we prove we can’t be trusted… who is the one who made the biggest mistake here and can’t be trusted? Someobody who broke the mutual trust and threw a relationship to the trash… I wanted to believe me and my ex could be together again one day and what was broken can be repaired but if I think that he left me and I didn’t have any choice but to accept this and had to fend for myself alone and after putting so much work to finally feel better, he could come right back because now he would be in pain and I should take his pain away, validate him even if he made me feel like trash and regres in my progress of moving on, I really start doubting if reconciliation for any reason isn’t ultimately THE biggest mistake a dumpee can make…
Hi Summer.
It’s okay to be angry. Your ex broke your trust, so if he were to come back, he’d need to work hard on regaining it. He’d need to prove he’s come back for the right reasons and that he understands what he did to you emotionally. The dumpee needs to think long and hard before taking the dumper back. She needs to make sure the dumper is willing to invest and fix things.
So do work on letting go of your ex. Get yourself back and your opinion of your ex might change.
Sincerely,
Zan
Let’s not forget that even if something does go wrong for the dumper, it’s no guarantee that they’ll want their ex back. They might just dust themselves off and try to keep moving forward on their own terms.
Hi Jaycie.
That’s right! The dumper could just use you for company and leave once your expectations exceed his.
Sincerely,
Zan
Or they might not reach out ever again, because they don’t want your company in any form.