When your ex returns your stuff, it means that your ex wants to get things over with as quickly as possible. Your ex wants to pull away, stay away, and avoid giving you a reason to reach out in the future.
He or she does this due to the fear that you could reach out about your belongings when you feel bored, lonely, sad, nostalgic, or guilty.
That’s why your ex took a precaution and returned your stuff before you could take it upon yourself to get back in touch and ask for things that would put him or her in an uncomfortable/painful situation.
Any conversation that makes your ex think about you and talk to you can be scary and dangerous for your ex’s emotional well-being, and recovery. Unwanted conversations force your ex to focus on you when all he or she wants is to focus on himself or herself.
They make your ex feel the kind of emotions your ex has been trying to avoid since the breakup.
You must understand that if your ex is a dumper, your ex wants to have fun, disassociate from you, and minimize the chance of you reaching out and dragging him or her back into the past.
And if your ex is a dumpee, your ex wants to stop worrying about when you’ll come back for your stuff and hinder his or her detachment process.
Therefore dumpees and dumpers return their ex’s stuff on their own for the same reason. They both want to get rid of the stuff that reminds them of their ex. The sooner they return their ex’s belongings, the smaller the chance that their ex will bother them on the pretext of wanting his or her stuff back in the future.
So if your ex returned your stuff and you’re wondering whether that means the relationship is over, know that it’s not any more over than it was before your ex returned your stuff. It’s not like your ex kept your stuff because he or she’d been thinking about you obsessively and doubting his or her decision to break up.
Your ex just didn’t feel comfortable and lacked the time and energy to pack up your things and return them to you. It takes a certain amount of effort to get back in touch with an ex and return his or her things. That’s because reminders of an ex and conversations with him or her bring back unwanted memories and emotions.
Emotions most exes would rather not feel.
That’s why you shouldn’t think that exes (especially dumpers) return your stuff only when they’re 100% done with the relationship. Most of the time, they delay returning your stuff because they feel apprehensive and don’t know how you’ll react.
They’d rather not do anything that would force them to see you sad or act desperate as that would guilt-trip them, hurt them, suffocate them, and stop them from being happy and relieved.
So bear in mind that your ex returned your stuff out of obligation, niceness, and/or self-protection rather than because you did something bad and made him or her give up on you.
If you didn’t ask for your stuff back, your ex thought that it was only fair to return your things and that it was time to finish all unfinished business.
By returning your stuff, your ex could stop thinking about how, if, and when he or she will give you your stuff back and risk getting dragged into a conversation.
Today, we answer the question, “What does it mean when your ex returns your stuff?” We also discuss what you should do when you get your things back.
What does it mean when your ex returns your stuff?
It doesn’t mean much when your ex returns your stuff. Your ex hasn’t regained his or her feelings yet and is still set on leaving. Staying away from you makes your ex happier than communication, bonding, and getting back together with you.
It lets your ex self-prioritize, self-forgive, and think of himself or herself as a moral person who respects your needs and willingly and happily returns your belongings. By returning them, your ex can take his or her focus off you and think about things he or she actually wants to think about.
Things like friends, family work, stressors, and other obligations.
So keep in mind that your ex didn’t return your stuff because he or she realized that getting back together with you was impossible. Your ex returned your stuff simply because it was convenient for your ex.
Your stuff was probably taking too much space, bothered your ex’s new partner, reminded your ex of the past, or made your ex feel guilty for holding on to your things. For some reason you may not be aware of, your ex felt it wasn’t right/good to hold on to your things and decided to give them back.
You shouldn’t overthink this as dumpers don’t return their ex’s belongings to start a conversation and begin the reconciliation process. They return their ex’s things because they think their ex wants/needs his or her stuff back and because it’s moral and necessary for their safety and peace of mind.
If they wait weeks or months and then return their ex’s stuff, they do that because they had some time to process the most destructive breakup emotions and made some emotional progress.
They’ve begun to think their ex has accepted the breakup and that their ex won’t make things awkward and difficult for them.
Such dumpers are ready to exchange belongings and perhaps even want to catch up and be friends with their ex. You can find out what they want by observing their behavior and asking them why they reached out.
Most dumpers will tell you what they hope to get out of the conversation. Those who don’t typically just wish to alleviate their guilt and move on.
That’s what it means when your dumper ex returns your stuff. What about when dumpees return your belongings? Do they also want to move on?
This depends on each dumpee. Some dumpees return their ex’s stuff to grab their ex’s attention and incentivize their ex to communicate with them. They want to scare their ex into thinking they’re moving on, so they indirectly tell their ex that he or she needs to act fast if he or she wants to talk and get back together.
Other dumpees, however, tend to return their ex’s stuff to stop holding onto hope. By giving their ex back his or her stuff, they intend to stop obsessing about what it means when their ex still has their stuff and whether their ex will contact them and want them back.
Dumpees tend to return their exes’ stuff to let go of hope and heal whereas dumpers usually do it to do the morally right thing and focus on other things and people.
Dumpers often avoid exchanging belongings for a while after the breakup because doing so helps them stay in control of the breakup and keeps their ex away. It helps them stay relieved and elated.
Dumpees, on the other hand, are in no contact and don’t know if they should reach out to give their ex his or her stuff back.
They don’t want to break no contact just to return their ex’s belongings because they fear it would look like they’re trying to get their ex back. They know their reach-outs could scare their ex away and devastate them.
That’s why dumpees often wait for their ex to reach out and suggest exchanging belongings. When they know it’s safe (that they won’t push their ex away), they then talk about ways to get their items back.
Fortunately, you already got our stuff back. Your ex returned your belongings to you and stopped you from wondering if your ex still had feelings for you and wanted you back. Your ex made the breakup easier for you by acting on his or her morals and making some extra space in the house.
You should be glad your ex was fair as some dumpers don’t return their dumpee’s belongings. Some dumpees ask their ex numerous times for their things back and their ex still doesn’t give them back.
The reason they don’t return their ex’s belongings is that they feel victimized, in control of the breakup, and don’t want to spend even a few minutes of their time thinking about their ex, seeing their ex, packing their ex’s things, or shipping them.
They just want what they want. And their wants exclude their ex.
So if you want to know what it means when your ex returns your stuff, know that something or someone triggered your ex’s decision to return your stuff. I can’t say what that was without analyzing your situation, but here are some possibilities to consider.
When your ex returns your stuff, your ex reiterates that the relationship has ended and shows there’s no point in keeping your stuff. Now that you’re exes, it makes much more sense to return your stuff and cut off future communication and bonding.
Besides, your belongings are yours. Your ex has no right to keep them and has no purpose for them as well. The only reason it took your ex some time to return your stuff is that your ex needed time to process things and get comfortable speaking with you or looking at your things and sending you your stuff.
If your ex didn’t take the time to return your stuff, then your ex just wanted to get things over with in the fastest way possible. Your belongings were the last thing preventing your ex from moving on with a clean conscience.
What if your ex was a dumpee?
In that case, your ex probably wanted to scare you so much that you reached out and validated him or her. Either that or your ex wanted to stop feeling hopeful and anxious and thought that by returning your stuff, he or she would cut off the past and have a new beginning.
What to do when your ex returns your stuff?
When your ex returns your stuff, thank your ex for returning your stuff and give your ex his or her stuff back as well. There’s no point in holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and won’t help you get your ex back.
Seeing your ex’s things day after day will only torment you and give you unnecessary hope. It will make you miss your ex more and want your ex back very badly.
So consider your ex’s actions the definitive conclusion of your relationship and the perfect time to invest in yourself and those who love you.
Try to wean off your ex by reminding yourself that your ex has left you and that if your ex wanted you back and was willing to work on the relationship, your ex would have shown you that already.
Your ex would have initiated a conversation and discussed meeting up. Basically, your ex would have done everything in his or her power to impress you and regain your trust. Your trust, loyalty, and feelings would have meant the world to your ex.
That’s because your ex would have been in pain and would have wanted your reassurance and support.
Since your ex isn’t thinking about being with you and putting in the necessary work, your only option is to get your ex out of your life. Get rid of your ex’s gifts, belongings, pictures, and things that remind you of your ex.
You won’t be needing them while you’re healing and you certainly won’t be needing them when you’re with someone else.
They won’t be of any help if you’re hurting and hoping to reconcile with your ex.
And if you do eventually reconcile, you can just tell your ex you gave up and threw all his or her gifts and unimportant stuff away. That might hurt your ex a little bit, but it’s the kind of pain your ex needs to respect you and know that he or she almost lost you.
It could be something that prevents him or her from thinking you’ll always want to be together.
So use this vital post-breakup time to distract yourself and forget about your ex. Nothing will make you feel better and impress your ex more than regaining your self-worth and not needing your ex to function and be happy.
Did you learn what it means when your ex returns your stuff? Do you have a different opinion on this topic? Let us know in the comments below.
And as always, if your story is unique and would like our opinion on it, visit our coaching page to sign up for breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Zan,
My ex and I were together 5 years. She left beginning of August. 2 days later my mom died. Tried to do NC but she was reaching out a few times at the beginning to check in with me about my mom.
After that she came and grabbed some her things. Saying she has to do this etc etc. at the breakup she gave me the excuse I need to find myself and I’m unhappy and you do everything right etc.
Since then she would reach out only for important things ie changing the electric bill to my name. Kept talking about picking up the rest of her stuff but was waiting for her car to be fixed. She asked to call me two weeks ago. We spoke for a few minutes about getting her stuff. Then she told me still loved me and I’m her best friend and did I think of working this out cause she did. I was angry at the time (she was in a rebound) so I didn’t handle the phone call great. Wasn’t nasty or anything and didn’t bring up the rebound but was a little irritated and told her she had ghosted me for 3 months. Etc. she did agree to meetup with me two days later to talk. Of course next day she cancelled saying she wouldn’t be around. Responded well to the text.
Two days later she texted again asking about my sick father. I responded and she didn’t reply. I was getting worried about breadcrumbing so when she messaged the next day with concerns over the electric bill I sent a screenshot that it was in my name and ingored her follow up text for two days. When I responded she told me her dad would be coming over Wednesday to get all the rest of her stuff. She will not be coming. I did respond sarcastically because I thought she would be coming and we could at least talk or have a closure talk and say goodbye.
I texted her yesterday to apologize and that I just wanted to handle things differently but I guess she didn’t and that I respect her decision. She “hearted” hours later and that was it.
Her dad is coming tomorrow, what should I do and is there any sliver of a reckoncilitation down the road? Also why did she call me and say all that just to turn cold a week later. Is it because how I responded and will I get another reach out maybe even months down the road?
P.S am working on myself, gym, boxing, friends, family etc.
Thank you
Hi IP.
You got a bit emotional, but that’s expected. She broke your heart and acted in ways you didn’t expect. The girl didn’t breadcrumb you (multiple times) because she had second thoughts but probably because she felt bad for leaving, hurting you, and replacing you with someone else so quickly. You can probably expect a breadcrumb at some point in the future as you didn’t make any major breakup mistakes. She sent her father to pick up her belongings which means she feels uncomfortable at the thought of being close to you. This is common and expected of her as she doesn’t want to be reminded about what she did.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for responding. I assumed as much. Her rebound relationship I meant to add was over the day after we had talked on the phone so I thought she was serious about talking and meeting up. Then she cancelled. Idk if she is seeing anyone else again, not my business.
Her father picked up her stuff, was very cordial. He couldn’t bring everything so now I have two boxes still here. She didn’t reach out for thanksgiving, but , she did text me two days ago saying she was missing 2 small items. Told her they are probably in the boxes still here. That was it, no mention of picking them up or anything. My birthday is in two weeks I wonder if she will say anything or if she will get the last boxes before then.
Anyways is this normal after very close to 4 months post BU? I’d assume she is likely through the stages a dumper would go through, like in your other post? I never reached out myself and didn’t do any begging or pleading.
Anyways, I appreciate your first reply and look forward to reading this one
Hi IP.
She’s going through the dumper stages, so yes, her response is normal. She doesn’t need the small stuff left at your place, so she’s willing to wait. You should probably drop them off at her place, ship them, or have her dad collect them.
She might reach out for your birthday. If she does, it will probably be just a quick wish, nothing else. Regardless of what she does, stay in no contact. You’re doing much better, so don’t get your hopes up and talk to her. It will set you back big time.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Last couple questions (I promise).
So she didn’t reach out on my birthday which I kind of at this point expected tbh. Kind of crazy, but, I at least assume she thought about it, so there’s that I guess.
She has not reached out at all since asking about those two items. I haven’t reached out either. Iv thought about reaching out to return the last two boxes but at the same time I’m thinking about not and having her actually own up and have to come get them herself and hopefully just have the dang closure talk that would have been great for my recovery awhile ago. I know you and others say you find closure in yourself and while that is true I really would like to still have it. It’s putting to bed a relationship and giving what I think is the proper respect to 5 years together. Also, the boxes are buried in my closet and I don’t think of them and it doesn’t hinder me day to day. Thoughts on that?
In regards to your dumpers stages comment, wouldn’t 4 1/2 months post BU she would have reached acceptance and just moved on and out of the stages? She still had a couple pictures on FB of us (she removed me from IG and SC) last I knew. I don’t look anymore. Weird she kept me on one platform and not the others. Thoughts on that? (Could be insightful to others as well)
Lastly, I have since discovered she got her own apartment and it seems she had planned this a bit before and prefaced it with this I need independence statements she had made at the BU. Saw her on a dating app. Blocked her on there.
Still doing good but I think I had a relapse this past week. It’s ok I know they will happen so just picking myself back up and continueing to move forward maybe not on yet but hopefully soon.
I really look forward to you answering these last questions and further insight it has really helped me through this a lot. Seems she has completely moved on and doesn’t even want to have respect for the time we did share.
Thanks again,
IP
Hi IP.
If the boxes with her stuff don’t bother you, you can leave them in your closet. But if they do, you or a delivery service can drop them off at her place. You don’t need to keep thinking about whether she’s leaving them at your place on purpose to get back with you. Some dumpees get hopeful about it. Do what’s best for you.
I understand that you want closure, but if she’s not to keep on giving it to you, you’ll have to find it without her. You can do that by pondering on what what caused the breakup and what you could have done differently.
Your ex has already reached the acceptance stage, she’s not a dumpee who needs up to a year to do that. I wrote a few articles on being partially blocked. She did that because she wants to keep you in her life to some extent. It could be due to guilt or to reach out in an event of emergency.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks for the response. The boxes don’t bother me. I don’t think she’s leaving them get back with me. She’s clearly still avoiding me at all costs and very well might forever and never come for the boxes. Not hoping but the thought has crossed my
Mind that she hasn’t had them picked up yet because she’s leaving a door slightly open as well to communicate in the future (not saying for romantic reasons) or she just doesn’t want them at all. Weird she asked about the two items that she never really uses but whatever.
If she’s through the stages and at acceptance that means she’s completely over it and there is a 0 chance months down the road then? I don’t try to live with any hope at this point but even 4 1/2 months later unfortunately there still a glimmer that I am waiting to disappear for myself.
As for closure, I have spent many agonizing months at the beginning working through that. I think she is an avoidant and I was secure when we met all those years ago and through time with her and family health issues that arose I went anxious and we got stuck in the avoidant-anxious cycle. Ah attachment theory, if only we had known before the BU.
Anyways thanks again,
IP
Hi IP.
She’s already accepted the breakup and moved on. If she comes back, it will be after she’s redeveloped feelings. So even though she’s accepted things, things are over for now. It’s unlear whether they’re over forever, though. Keep working on losing your hope and finding joy and purpose elsewhere.
You were anxious throughout the relationship because of her avoidant tendencies. This doesn’t mean that you’re the anxious attachment type. But regardless of that, strive to be a secure individual!
Sincerely,
Zan
We have also not had any closure talks and I am only assuming on why we even BU in the first place. Who knows if I’ll ever get answers from her. The longer we haven’t been speaking the further away she gets it seems. Either way still continueing to work on myself and def past those first 3 months of living hell in your head. I’d have liked to have handled this situation more maturely and respectfully if this is really what she wanted but after 5 years seems she would rather avoid the situation and me at all costs. Crazy since Iv never done anything to make her act that way.
Sorry for the double post, one of those the feelings bubble back up haha. Look forward to answer.
I just wanted my bottle of bourbon back. It only had a shot or two poured out of it. I asked for it back. She told me she drank it and I could go buy another bottle. Sometimes you just can’t win.
Hi Mike.
Sometimes dumpers don’t cooperate and make it not worth the time and emotions to argue with them. If your ex cared and was a decent person, she would have bought you a new bottle.
Best wishes,
Zan
I returned my dumper ex stuff 4 days after the breakup. She texted me and asked me to return her spare keys and some wierd/lame excuse as to why. I don’t need an explanation, ofcourse I will return the keys. She have known me for almost 4 years before we became a couple and know I am not a person who would do something wierd. I also took the opportunity to return some other things she didn’t mention, a bag with some sleep over accessories and a bathtub pillow.
I just wanted to do the right thing and return all of it at once and make the breakup as clean as possible, but a part of me also sort of hoped the other stuff would remind her of some of our moments a bit.
We even sat down for a while at her place and talked casually and I offered her a ride to the grocery store in case she needed to buy anything. All in all it felt okey, despite the circumstances.
We texted 1-2 times the coming days and then she just vanished, still reading group chats etc but not any communication with me. In retrospect I understand that it was around that time she hooked up with her new long distance partner.
Hi Gordon.
You did the right thing. You gave her back her stuff and prevented her from using it as an excuse to check up on you. Hopefully, you feel much better now and don’t care about her new partner. Also, avoid doing her favors in the future. She has a new guy to take care of her.
Best wishes,
Zan
4 months after a break up and at the point I wasn’t bothered whether they came back or not, I dropped their belongings off at their house as I thought it was better than binning them. I received a message calling me immature………….. Ya can’t win 😂. Maybe I should have texted to say but we hadn’t communicated since the break up at all and I didnt see the point. Anyway great website and still enjoy reading the articles.
Hi James.
I’m sure you did the right thing. Don’t worry about your ex’s anger. I don’t see how returning someone’s belongings makes you immature.
Best regards,
Zan
I wish my ex return my stuff. He just told me to used his debt card to replace them. Drop his stuff at his house felt like therapy and freedom.
Hi Ava.
Do as he says. It would be easier to replace your belongings than to wait for him to give them back.
Sincerely,
Zan