Should I Reach Out To My Ex Who I Dumped?

Unless you want your ex back, have kids with your ex, or need to talk about something important with your ex, you shouldn’t reach out to your ex. There’s nothing to talk to your ex about because your ex needs time away from you to process the breakup, let go of hope, and get used to the new life without you.

Hearing from you could make it very difficult for your ex to do these things. It could trigger your ex’s anxiety, destroy the emotional progress your ex has made since the breakup, and string your ex along. Your calls and texts could essentially hinder your ex’s detachment process and confuse your ex.

So instead of reaching out to find out how your ex is doing or even to apologize, be considerate of your ex’s feelings and don’t reach out. Let your ex heal so that perhaps one day, your ex will be able to speak to you and feel calm while doing so.

You may feel bad for hurting your ex and want to help your ex, but if it’s been a while since you broke up and your ex still isn’t reaching out, your ex is probably getting closure without you or has already gotten closure. That means that reaching out late is not going to help your ex.

Sure, it could make your ex feel very validated and hopeful, but your ex doesn’t need to feel these kinds of emotions. The moment your ex feels them, he or she is going to want more and think it might be possible to get back together.

You can prevent that kind of thinking from playing with your ex’s feelings simply by leaving your ex alone.

Not talking will make things much better because your absence will allow your ex to focus on self-love and get over the breakup naturally. The only time your ex may need to talk to you is if the breakup is fresh or if your ex is having difficulty moving on from you.

But in that case, you shouldn’t reach out to your ex. You should be empathetic, reassuring, and willing to answer your ex’s questions whenever your ex reaches out and appears to want something from you.

So if you’re wondering, “Should I reach out to my ex who I dumped,” keep in mind that reaching out to the dumpee is more often than not a bad idea. Reaching out tends to cause more harm than good because it makes the dumpee anxious again and causes him or her to crave love and attention.

How the dumpee feels after receiving breadcrumbs from an ex depends on how detached the dumpee is and how good his or her self-esteem is. But generally speaking, most dumpees get hopeful when their ex contacts them.

Today’s post is for dumpers who are wondering if they should contact an ex they dumped.

Why you shouldn’t reach out to your ex?

As a dumper, you shouldn’t reach out to your ex because your ex still values you. Your ex wants to be with you, so hearing from you could give your ex reconciliation hope and make your ex want to talk to you even more. Interactions with you work like a drug. The moment you reach out, you give your ex a dose of the most addictive substance a dumpee can receive – attention.

You make your ex feel desired–and that’s not good because your ex shouldn’t feel romantically desired. Your ex should continue to lose hope so that your ex can fully heal and find internal happiness.

Even if your ex doesn’t want to be with you anymore, there’s a chance that your ex is still recovering from the breakup and that a simple text from you is going to trigger the anxiety and fears your ex thought he or she had worked through.

Sometimes dumpees think they can’t get hurt again, but they’re proven wrong as soon their ex reaches out. This is because their ex instantly makes them remember the pain he or she caused them after the breakup and sets them back emotionally.

Their ex triggers the emotions they kept suppressed in their mind and shows them it’s too early for them to communicate with their ex.

So if you’re thinking about whether you should reach out to your ex as a dumper, my advice is not to reach out unless you need to. It’s better for your ex to avoid emotional setbacks that could delay healing and make it more difficult for your ex to fall back in love with himself or herself.

Some examples of when you shouldn’t reach out to your ex are:

• birthdays
• graduations
• promotions
• anniversaries
• holidays
• deaths

You also shouldn’t reach out if you feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, depressed, bored, jealous, nostalgic, afraid, and doubtful. These emotions may feel like reaching out is the best thing to do, but you mustn’t reach out because of them. Doing that would be selfish because you’d be reaching out for yourself rather than your ex.

You’d be relying on your ex to make you feel better even though your ex is the one who needs help. So keep in mind that your ex needs to spend time with friends and family and not with you. You can’t help your ex heal because you’re your ex’s… ex.

You’re the cause of the problem and can’t help with the problem unless you want to take your ex back and stop the pain that way.

I wish there was another way, but dumpees need space after the breakup. They need to focus on themselves and heal, not analyze their ex’s words and actions and wonder if their ex is coming back. The best way you can help your ex with that, therefore, is to not help at all.

Instead of communicating with your ex and making your ex wonder what you want, give your ex space. The more space you give, the less your ex will ruminate about the breakup and the quicker your ex will detach and find internal peace.

So make sure not to reach out to your ex if you know your ex is still processing the breakup. You might see your ex going out and meeting new people, but that doesn’t mean your ex is over you already. Dumpees need 8 months on average to process the breakup.

The time it takes them to get over their ex depends on how serious their relationship was, how much they value themselves, what mistakes they make after the breakup, and whether their ex leaves them alone to heal.

Of all these things, the only thing you can control is whether you leave your ex alone to heal. By leaving your ex alone, you can be of the most use you can possibly be. So be of use.

Reach out to your ex only when doing so would help your ex in the right kind of way.

Figure out why you want to reach out to your ex

Before you contact your ex, you should first figure out why you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. Do you miss your ex and want to know how your ex is doing and what your ex is up to?

These things are not good excuses for reaching out to your ex. They’re typical excuses dumpers who don’t understand breakups reach out for. And you don’t want to be one of those dumpers. You want to be someone who understands what your ex needs to heal and be strong enough to resist thoughts and emotions that compel you to contact your ex.

By understanding your ex’s needs and knowing that your temptations could hurt your ex and make things worse for your ex, you can stay away from your ex and let your ex get over the breakup.

The dumper should be the one to reach out first, of course, but if the breakup happened just a few months ago, it’s probably too soon to do that. It’s better to wait a while longer so that your ex can detach completely, handle hearing from you, and actually want to hear from you.

If you reach out too soon, your ex could still be in the early stages of a breakup and not know what your intentions are. So either wait a while longer (more than half a year) or until your ex reaches out and shows that he or she is emotionally capable of being friends with you.

You can tell your ex is ready to be friends with you when your ex sees you’re dating someone else and doesn’t get affected by it. That’s when friendship is something you and your ex might be able to work on as an ex-couple.

So again, find out what drives you to talk to your ex. When you discover that reason (or reasons), determine how long it’s been since you broke up and if your ex is ready to hear from you. If your ex isn’t ready because your ex is in no contact, you shouldn’t be bothering your ex. You should be focusing on yourself just how your ex is.

But if your ex is completely over the breakup and has previously expressed that he or she wants to be friends with you, then perhaps you should reach out and ask for friendship.

Just make sure you’ve:

• processed the breakup
• dealt with resentments or fears
• improved the way you perceive your ex and feel around your ex
• become ready to talk to your ex and be friends with your ex

The breakup involves two people. That’s why you can reach out only when you’re both ready to communicate again or when you don’t have a choice but to talk about something important.

You can tell your ex is ready to talk when:

• A lot of time has passed since the breakup (more than 6 months)
• Your ex got married or is in a serious relationship
• Your ex reached out and said he or she is ready to be friends

When you know your ex is ready to talk, you should ask yourself one final thing. Do you need to contact your ex? If your ex is with someone else, your ex might not want to talk to you again. He or she could be over you and might not want to risk getting hurt again and/or getting involved with someone who treated him or her unfairly.

What if your ex reaches out to you?

Dumpees sometimes reach out after the breakup because they’re struggling with the breakup. They want to know how their ex feels about them and if it’s possible for them to prove their worth and commitment.

If your ex reaches out, you must be extra careful not to give your ex what your ex wants, but to give what your ex needs.

Your ex likely wants something hopeful to make the breakup less painful, but you must instead reassure your ex by offering help and support. You must help your ex feel better without making your ex feel hopeful or rejected. Always remember that your ex needs something in the middle.

And that something is empathy and honesty. You can give that to your ex by respecting your ex, listening to your ex, and tolerating some of the things your ex says.

Don’t say or do things that make your ex feel like you’re having a change of heart.

Don’t:

• compliment your ex unnecessarily
• say you love him/her
• state you might reconcile in the future
• sleep with your ex
• start hanging out and acting like friends
• crying, apologizing, saying you don’t know what you’re doing

If you want to express that the breakup has been difficult for you, do that by explaining why you find it difficult rather than letting your ex interpret your words in whatever way your ex wants. Your ex is in a sensitive state, so your ex will likely analyze everything you say and do.

Your ex will do this because your ex will be looking for answers and hope. Hope that a part of you still cares and wants a relationship.

So choose your words carefully and keep in mind that you don’t have to agree to everything your ex wants. You don’t have to meet your ex, call your ex, and act like your ex’s partner. You just have to politely decline things that would bring your ex closer to you and make your ex more obsessed with you.

Do you think you should reach out to an ex who you dumped? What would reaching out accomplish? Publish your comment below the article.

And also, if you want to talk to us about your breakup, subscribe to our coaching services here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.