If you acted needy, clingy, and obsessed with your ex, you might think it’s too late to start no contact and leave your ex alone. You might think you’ve done too much damage and that you must fix things before you remove yourself from your ex’s life.
What you need to understand is that you won’t fix things by explaining yourself and doing your ex favors. You’ll only pressure your ex and complicate the situation further. Every time you try to make your ex like you and lower his or her guard, you’ll look desperate and achieve the opposite of the desired results. You’ll make your ex think you’re starving for recognition and love and that you lack the will to help yourself cope with the breakup.
Hence, I encourage you to avoid trying to improve your image before going no contact. No contact’s purpose (or at least one of its purposes) is to preserve and improve your image. It will make your mistakes and flaws look better just by letting your ex focus on him/herself and feel free and respected.
So if you want to go no contact after being needy, know that no contact can help you undo some of your mistakes. It won’t magically bring your ex back (your ex still needs to redevelop love), but it will give your ex a chance to do what he or she has been wanting to do as a single person. Whether your ex has been craving alone time or a new relationship with someone else, your ex will get a chance to explore his or her new life and determine whether he or she wants to keep moving forward or go back with you.
If your ex can’t live the kind of life he or she had been dreaming about, your ex could experience seller’s remorse and have an epiphany. Your ex could want you back, provided you stick to the rules of no contact and stop being needy and unattractive. The sooner you pull away and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner your ex can stop pitying you and/or feeling trapped by you.
No contact is not a technique meant to manipulate your ex into thinking you don’t like him or her. It’s not something you follow just to make your ex scared of being forgotten and unimportant. No contact is meant for you to reduce your reliance on your ex and learn to enjoy your life without your ex. Your independence and happiness can help you look attractive in your ex’s eyes when your ex’s expectations come crashing down on him or her.
It’s okay if you were a bit needy or mean. No contact can still help your ex take your pre-no contact mistakes less seriously and trigger your ex’s desire for support and closeness. A little bit of desperation is expected of dumpees. Although dumpers dislike it, they tend to understand it. They know they turned their ex’s life upside down and that they need to be a bit more patient with their ex.
Their patience is, of course, limited, which is why you mustn’t test it. Go no contact as soon as you can in order to preserve your worth and prevent your ex from thinking poorly of you. No contact will do what it can. Your job is to trust its process and let it hit your ex hard when your ex is the most vulnerable.
This could be when your ex:
- gets broken up with
- runs out of dating options
- gets fired
- falls ill
- experiences a loss of self-esteem
- or has some kind of crisis
The worse your ex’s life gets, the bigger the chance that your ex engages in reflection and misses having you around. Therefore, no contact could work on your ex even if you were needy. It could make your ex forget some of your relationship and post-breakup mistakes when life gets tough, affects his or her self-esteem, and triggers longings for adoration and purpose.
That’s when your ex could improve his or her opinion of you and want you back for support and love.
So if you want to start or if you already started no contact after being needy, remember that no contact is your best option. It’s the only technique that can neutralize your unattractive behavior and make your ex want to be with you.
No contact may feel ineffective at times, but try not to doubt it too much. Keep in mind that breaking no contact will likely result in pain and disappointment. It will tell your ex you’re still dependent on him or her for happiness and make your ex want nothing to do with you.
If you want your ex back, you have to stay in no contact for as long as it takes.
This means for as long as your ex thinks he or she can be happier without you. You must keep your distance and work on letting go. Emotional detachment will give you clarity and lessen your reliance on your ex.
In this post, we talk about whether no contact works after being needy and how much neediness is usually too much.
Can no contact work after being needy?
No contact can work after being needy and clingy. It can work even if you begged and pleaded with your ex and refused to accept the breakup. Most dumpees feel hurt and do desperate things after the breakup. They regret saying and doing things that hurt their ex’s trust, love, and commitment, so they want another chance to do things right.
Some of them get another chance whereas others don’t. Whether they get another chance doesn’t just depend on how hard and long they beg (although that is one of the most important factors). It also depends on how the dumper thinks, feels, and processes negative experiences. If the dumper has poor coping mechanisms and life gives him or her lemons, the dumper could become nostalgic and redevelop romantic cravings.
He or she could become the dumpee and ask his or her ex for forgiveness and commitment.
You shouldn’t worry about a little bit of neediness. It may have lowered your attractiveness and your ex’s respect for you, but it hasn’t ruined your chances of reconciliation. Not if you begged for a week or so. You probably made getting back together more difficult if you begged for weeks or longer. That has likely put immense pressure on your ex and stopped your ex from seeing your worth.
I’m not saying reconciliation after a month of begging is impossible, but your ex has likely developed defense mechanisms as a result of your relentless persuasion. These defense mechanisms may urge your ex to think negatively of you and prevent your ex from redeveloping attraction and romantic feelings.
You see, when you beg for a long time, you tell your ex his or her decisions and feelings don’t matter to you and that you just want what you want. That initially disrespects and hurts your ex but soon turns into anger and resentment. It’s crucial not to appear needy, depressed, disrespectful, mean, or self-pitiful for too long otherwise your ex could use it to justify the breakup and keep his or her guard up for years or decades.
Some dumpers never let go of the past as they keep seeing their ex as the cause of their problems. They like blaming their ex for their emotions and the breakup because it allows them to self-victimize and avoid making any internal changes.
So even though no contact can work, know that there’s no guarantee. Even if you do everything right, your ex might continue to blame you for everything and avoid owning up to his or her mistakes. He or she might not forgive you or need you to deal with problems and difficult emotions.
With the disclaimer out of the way, do remember that a few days of post-breakup neediness likely hasn’t affected your ex’s ability to want you back. It merely irritated your ex and showed your ex you weren’t ready to accept the breakup. If you stay in no contact for some time, your ex will eventually see that you’ve come to terms with the breakup, that you no longer rely on him or her for self-love, and that you’re not a threat.
Therefore, no contact can still make your ex think about the good times with you and miss you romantically. It can do what you want it to do provided your ex is capable of reflecting, becoming nostalgic, respecting/valuing you, and falling back in love.
Your ex will forget about your needy behavior when he or she encounters problems he or she needs your help with. When that happens, your ex will likely break no contact and breadcrumb you or want you back. I don’t have insight into your ex’s life and personality, nor a crystal ball to predict the future, but I can tell you that life challenges and a lack of information about you can spark your ex’s curiosity, nostalgia, and even regret.
It can make your ex lose power and think differently about you even if you embarrassed yourself for a while.
This is especially true if your ex lacks the tools to deal with difficulties. If your ex can’t help him/herself or find a replacement for you, your ex might think about his or her decisions and wish he or she hadn’t made them.
Before that happens, though, your ex must experience something unpleasant and consider you a worthy investment. Only then will your ex feel ready to interact with you on equal terms and work on the relationship.
Having said that, here’s why no contact can work after being needy.
Don’t forget that most dumpees exude neediness. Some pester their ex for a few days whereas others continue for a longer period. Those who stop asking their ex to reconsider his or her decisions and avoid guilt-tripping their ex often make their ex curious. They stop giving their ex reasons to be angry and slowly allow their ex to let go of the past.
When their ex lets go, he or she may reach out and seek forgiveness, advice, support, recognition, or love.
It’s hard to say how much neediness is too much because every dumper has different limits. But for most dumpers, weeks of constant neediness push them over the edge and turn them into (resentful) individuals who choose to protect themselves from their ex’s pressuring behavior.
It’s in your best interest to stay in no contact indefinitely even if you said or did things that aggravated your ex. Once you’ve started no contact, you must stay in it until you’ve healed and realized you want friendship with your ex. If you don’t want to be friends, that’s okay; you should keep the no contact going.
Don’t stop it just because you were friends before you were a couple and think you have nothing to lose. If your ex ignores you or gets angry at you, he or she could reopen your wounds and make you feel rejected and starved for love. It’s best to wait until you’re fully healed and no longer want your ex back.
No contact will make you less needy
The good thing about no contact is that it will make you less needy. It will help you detach from your ex and show you that you don’t need your ex to thrive. Slowly but surely, it will return your lost power and make you put yourself first. This will happen when your self-love exceeds your love for your ex.
Most dumpees start feeling noticeably better 3 – 4 months into no contact. Coincidentally, that’s also the time when dumpers reach out the most. They get curious about their ex and want to know if their ex despises them for dumping and hurting them. Many times, they feel guilty and hope that their ex can help them assuage their guilty conscience.
Right now, you probably want to hear from your ex very badly, but keep in mind that this won’t always be the case. At the moment, you want to hear from your ex because you’re hurt and still in love with your ex. When this is no longer the case, you’ll want your ex to leave you alone and let you heal/enjoy your life.
The thought of your ex reaching out (and ruining your happiness) will make you anxious or uncomfortable.
For now, you need to stay in no contact and work on letting go. By letting go, you’ll forget about the pre-no contact days when you were needy and worry more about more important things. Things that make you feel good and give you direction and purpose.
It’s okay to feel hopeful at times as hope gives you strength and prevents you from losing your sanity. But do work on letting go of hope when you’re not missing your ex like crazy. That way, you’ll wean off your ex and build up your self-esteem.
When you grow stronger and learn how to function without your ex, you’ll start to enjoy your new life and wonder less about your ex. You won’t care as much about your ex because you’ll look forward to things that have nothing to do with your ex.
So make sure to go no contact after being needy. Stay in no contact until you’ve recovered emotionally and forgiven yourself for how you behaved. Once you’ve done that, you’ll notice that your views and priorities have changed and that no contact has helped you stop being needy.
Are you worried that no contact won’t work after being needy? Describe your needy behavior in the comments below and we’ll reply to you soon.
However, if you prefer to speak privately, consider subscribing to 1-on-1 coaching. Magnet of Success specializes in analyzing breakup dynamics and providing advice.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
