My Ex Is Doing Better Than Me

In a breakup, there’s less than a 1% chance that your partner will do as great as you and about a 50% chance that your partner will do better than you. Someone is usually the dumper, which means that the dumper automatically does better emotionally, physically, socially, and in most ways you can think of.

He or she feels in control of the breakup and isn’t struggling to accept the breakup.

The dumper does better than the dumpee without even trying to do better. It’s unfair, considering how sad and depressed the dumpee is, but that’s how breakups are. Dumpees are forced to suffer whereas dumpers feel happy, relieved, and empowered.

What dumpees initially don’t realize though is that they are in a much better position than dumpers as they have a golden opportunity to reflect and grow. They can develop themselves in such ways that they outgrow the dumper and become much better prepared for future romantic relationships.

Dumpees can rediscover who they are and do a lot better in areas of their life that they didn’t do so well in previously.

But for them to do that, they need lots of time, patience, and breakup knowledge. They need to focus on overcoming the breakup and doing their best to avoid comparing their happiness to their ex. There’s no point in comparing the dumper to the dumpee right after the breakup because they’re both in different emotional stages.

One is brokenhearted and miserable and the other is relieved. It’s clear who’s doing better and that things will stay that way for a while.

A true comparison is fair and could be made many months after the breakup when both parties stop being affected by the breakup because that’s when they finally see who did the most work, who got the most out of the breakup, and who is the happiest.

8 months or so after the breakup is when dumpees typically recover to the point of not wanting their ex back and doing great or much better emotionally.

As for dumpers, they normally stop feeling empowered by the breakup and revert to their usual selves about 3 to 5 months after the breakup. It takes them that long because they need time to get used to their new life and stop blaming their ex.

So if your ex is doing better than you, don’t take it personally. The person who lost feelings is detached and expected to do better than you. He or she is the dumper, so you’ll need some time to recover emotionally and get back on your feet.

When you detach, you won’t even care what your ex is doing and how he or she is doing. All you’ll care about is that you’ve healed and found inner peace and people who support you.

In today’s article, we’ll talk about why your ex is doing better than you and what you can do about it.

Why is my ex doing better than me?

Your ex doesn’t necessarily have to have a better life to be doing better than you. Your ex just needs to have lost feelings before you because a lack of romantic feelings prevents your ex from becoming nostalgic, sad, anxious, and hurt.

You need to understand that your ex can’t do badly right after leaving you. I know you want to see that you left a void in your ex’s chest and that life hasn’t been easy since the breakup, but breakups happen because dumpers aren’t happy. They think that dumpees are holding them back and that they must put their happiness first for once.

Self-prioritization allows them to live life on their terms and helps them avoid the unpleasant thoughts and emotions they felt toward the end of the relationship.

You, on the other hand, got dumped, which means you were rejected and denied comfort, happiness, and peace. You were forced to accept the breakup and had no choice but to grieve the relationship. That immediately put you in a position of weakness and affected your self-esteem, life goals, and stability in life.

You now need to detox from your ex and relearn to rely on yourself for happiness. It will take some time to do that, but if you follow no contact and work on rebuilding yourself, you’ll be much stronger and wiser when all of this is over.

That’s because breakup pain will help you grow in ways you previously didn’t even know you could.

Keep in mind that your ex is doing better than you because your ex doesn’t have to suffer the way you do. Your ex doesn’t have to process the breakup one day at a time and find a way to restart his or her life. Your ex can just continue from where he or she left off and find someone new to date.

You and your ex are also different people and have different coping mechanisms. You deal with rejection and stress in your unique ways and your ex in his/hers. You shouldn’t expect your ex to behave the same way as you.

And besides, even if your ex is similar to you, you don’t know what your ex is thinking and feeling. For all you know, your ex could be severely depressed and miserable. Some people are good at hiding their emotions because they don’t want others to see their weak side.

They want to look strong, resilient, and in control of their emotions. Guys are typically like that because of their societal wiring and pride.

Even dumpees often jump into rebound relationships and appear to be over the breakup. On the outside, they seem to be healed but on the inside, they’re a hot mess and nowhere near ready to be in a new romantic relationship.

Such dumpees seem to be completely over the breakup (especially if they’re posting a lot on social media), but what they’re actually doing is screaming for attention and help.

They don’t even know why they’re dating someone new when their heart still belongs to their ex.

The most important thing you need to understand is that what you see and hear about your ex from friends or social media is only partially true. The things you really want to know are deliberately hidden from you.

Dumpees and dumpers suffer at different times. Dumpees suffer right after the breakup because they get rejected and feel unimportant whereas dumpers suffer when they feel guilty or ashamed or when they experience relationship issues and/or get dumped.

In other words, dumpees suffer now and feel better later whereas dumpers have fun now and suffer later. In my opinion, it’s better to suffer now and improve than to ignore issues, repeat mistakes, and suffer later.

That’s how it is. We shouldn’t compare dumpees’ and dumpers’ happiness because that would be very unfair to dumpees. We can take a look at the whole picture a year or two after the breakup.

Also, know that the dumper isn’t always the person who leaves. Sometimes the person who initiates the breakup feels that he or she has no choice but to leave. That person may be much more attached than the dumpee because the dumpee cheated or stopped investing in the relationship.

That makes him or her a dumpee – a person who needs to go through the dumpee stages of a breakup.

That being said, here’s an infographic showing why your ex is doing better than you.

Even if your ex has more dating options or is doing better financially or in some other superficial way, you need to understand that it doesn’t matter. What your ex has, does, or doesn’t do is completely irrelevant. You’re not competing with each other, so you shouldn’t let envy or jealousy consume you.

Right now, your ex is thriving and feeling unstoppable. The breakup is helping your ex go with the flow and accomplish one thing after another. But do keep in mind that this feeling of invincibility won’t last forever. Sooner than later, your ex will come to his or her senses and stop feeling empowered by the breakup.

That’s when your ex will turn back into the person he or she was while you were together. In other words, your ex will be forced to face the issues he or she neglected throughout the relationship.

If your ex was aggressive, your ex will face the same triggers as before. And if your ex was a bad communicator, he or she will be a bad communicator in the next relationship/s too. Your ex won’t improve just by dumping you and jumping ships.

As for you, you’ll detach from your ex and regain your lost power. You’ll see that your ex isn’t worth losing sleep over and that your ex felt temporarily empowered by the breakup and fooled you into thinking he or she has changed.

When that happens, your ex’s superficial traits and successes in life will matter even less to you. You’ll see that the things you envied and worried about mean nothing after he or she has left you, treated you poorly, and/or is incompatible with you.

All in all, your ex deserves to be happy just like you do. If your ex found happiness before you, chances are your ex will also fail before you do. When you recover and start enjoying life again, your ex will probably be in a position where he or she can lose what he or she had accomplished.

This may be a pessimistic way to look at life, but it’s also realistic. As the proverb goes, the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

You’ll stop caring that your ex is doing better when YOU start doing better

When I was going through my breakup, I also worried that my ex was doing better than me. I was miserable, so of course I hated seeing my ex happy. The thought that my ex was having fun with other people while I was suffering alone made my stomach turn.

It further decreased my self-esteem, worsened my depression, and made me feel completely worthless as a human being.

But when I got used to the separation pain and regained my rationality and purpose, I started to notice that the breakup happened for a reason and that it needed to happen. The relationship wasn’t making me happy, so I badly needed to change some things about my life as well as myself.

I needed to stop obsessing about my ex and start thinking about me.

I want you to divert attention from your ex towards yourself and figure out what you can change about yourself too. Don’t put yourself down, of course. Just look at your flaws and things that need improving. You’ll need some time to heal, so you may as well use that time to become the best version of yourself.

Again, the breakup isn’t a match between you and your ex. But it is a great opportunity for you to improve your inner value and the way you contribute to others’ lives. If you take the breakup seriously and don’t just blame your ex for everything you need to deal with as a dumpee, you should grow significantly and eventually stop caring about your ex.

You’ll learn that your life is about you and that your ex can be happy, neutral, or miserable for all you care. What your ex does and how he or she feels won’t matter to you because you’ll know it doesn’t do anything for you. It doesn’t bring you joy nor decrease the quality of your life.

Right now, it probably feels that your ex is the most important person to you and that you need to impress your ex. But give it a few months and your perception of your ex and the things your ex thinks about you won’t matter anymore.

The only thing you’ll care about is the people who care about you.

Does it bother you that your ex is doing better than you? What are you doing to improve your life? Let us know in the comments below.

However, if you wish to discuss things privately and go into detail, subscribe to coaching and schedule a call with us.