If your ex contacted you after 10 years and you have no idea why he or she would take that long to reach out, you have to know that a lot can happen in 10 years. A lot can go wrong in your ex’s life that forces him or her to reminisce.
Your ex can become lonely, bored, depressed, nostalgic, or unhappy with his or her life. Your ex can also get so used to the new lifestyle that he or she starts looking for something more exciting. Something that makes your ex feel stronger and happier emotions.
And the only way your ex can feel those emotions is if your ex breaks out of his or her routine and talks to an ex from many years ago. Why? Because talking to an ex can make your ex experience emotions from the past and help your ex see if the choices he or she has made were good.
You have to understand that ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends don’t reach out for no reason. Usually, they text or call their ex a few months after the breakup because they’re curious about their ex and wish to know how their ex is coping with the breakup.
But sometimes, they also contact their ex after 10 or 20 years because they aren’t happy with their lives. They wish they were happier, so they reach out and ask lots of questions. This is how they discern whether their ex is single, happy, and as eager to reconnect as they are.
Such exes tend to express an interest in getting to know their ex again and appear excited to meet up with their ex.
So if your ex contacted you after 10 years and you don’t know what to think of it, know that you’ve been on your ex’s mind a lot. You’ve been piquing his interest for so long that he’s become interested in talking to you and possibly even meeting up and getting back with you.
In this post, we’ll discuss why your ex contacted you after 10 years and what you can do about it.
My ex contacted me after 10 years
It took your ex very long to contact you, but that’s only because your ex didn’t find a reason to contact you sooner. He moved on from you a decade ago and therefore didn’t need nor want to talk to you.
He just focused on himself and the people he dated afterward.
But now that a decade has gone by, that may no longer be the case. Something has changed since then. Your ex has probably grown a bit as a person, but that’s not why he reached out after all this time. He reached out to get something only you can give him.
And that something is likely validation, forgiveness, closure, support, advice, or love. You can figure out what exactly your ex intends to accomplish simply by examining his attitude and interest in you.
If he reached out just to talk about the things the two of you have been up to, he probably just got curious about you and wanted to learn more about your life. But if he got emotional and talked about how much fun you had as a couple and wished things didn’t end the way they did, then he got nostalgic and wants more than just a quick chat.
He wants you to remember the past and feel the way he feels about you.
The reason why he wants you to be on the same page with him is that he hasn’t had a lot of success in his romantic life. Whatever he had didn’t work out for him, so he’s now securing backup plans with an ex with whom he had a good connection.
He doesn’t want to start fresh. He’d rather skip the courtship stages and get back with a person he already knows.
If he really wants you back and you want to be with him as well, you need to ask yourself “What’s the hurry? What made him realize I’m the one for him? Was it his wife or girlfriend breaking up with him or did something or someone else force him to crave my attention?”
Before you get back with an ex from 10 years ago, you need to learn what went wrong on his end so you can make the right decision and slow things down if you have to. We’ll talk more about that soon, but for now, let’s discuss why your ex contacted you after 10 years.
Why did my ex contact me after 10 years?
When your ex contacts you after 10 years of no contact, your ex wants something from you. That something could be anything from information and advice to closure, comfort, and recognition. You likely won’t know what your ex wants the moment he or she breaks no contact.
But after talking to your ex for 5 or 10 minutes, you’ll find out how your ex perceives you and what he or she expects from you. If your ex thinks fondly of you but doesn’t make plans to see you, your ex most likely just wants to catch up. Your ex wants to see how you’re doing and go back into hiding.
And if your ex compliments you, expresses regret (not guilt), says or shows he or she hasn’t been the happiest, and invites you out very quickly, it’s evident that your ex has certain expectations of you. He or she wants to see you in person which means that your ex is likely interested in being more than friends.
To know what your ex’s intentions are, you can ask your ex why he or she wants to meet up—and depending on your ex’s response and your feelings for your ex, make the right decision.
Whatever you do, though don’t just agree to meet up with an ex the moment your ex asks you to meet up.
If you want to be friends, there’s no need to go from 0 – 100 in one day. If your ex waited 10 years to reach out, he or she can wait another week or two to catch up at a reasonable pace.
So if you’re wondering, “Why did my ex contact me after 10 years,” keep in mind that your ex was okay for 10 years and didn’t miss you or need you. But now that your ex’s life has changed (probably for the worse), he or she suddenly wants to talk to you again.
You need to figure out what exactly inspired or forced your ex to reach out so you can respond appropriately.
The picture below explains why your ex contacted you after 10 years.
Actual reasons why your ex contacted you after 10 years
Now that you know the emotional reasons behind your ex’s incentives for contacting you, let’s talk about the events that might have triggered those emotions.
It’d be impossible to write all of them down, but here are the things that usually cause exes to reach out after many years.
- divorce
- failed rebound relationships
- stress at work/losing a job
- falling out with a friend
- death in the family
- money issues
- uncertainties about the future
- self-esteem issues
- failing college
- getting ill
- gaining weight and feeling unattractive
- fearing they’re too old to be without a partner/baby/family
- regretting the mistakes they’ve made
- worrying about the people they’ve angered or disappointed
- losing something very important to them
People worry about all sorts of things and react to stressors in unique ways. But the people who reminisce about their past the most and contact their exes are usually those who get hurt the most. This is because pain makes them desire safety and stability.
It makes them feel unsafe, so they think back and crave what they used to have but took for granted. Such exes are in a vulnerable state and tend to be receptive and eager to converse with an ex.
If they dumped their ex a long time ago, they suddenly appear to be very interested in their ex. But, unfortunately, they’re often interested in their ex only because they’re hurting and need help.
They see their ex as someone they can use to soften the blow of their failures.
What to do when your ex contacts you after 10 years?
Whether it’s been 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years since you last spoke with your ex, you should always take the time to figure out what made your ex reach out to you. Your ex likely won’t tell you this directly, so you’ll have to do some digging of your own.
You’ll have to ask your ex questions that reveal your ex’s true intentions.
Questions such as:
- How have you been?
- Are you happy?
- What made you reach out to me after so many years?
- What did you want to talk about?
- Did anything exciting happen recently?
- How come you reached out now and not sooner?
- I thought you were still with such and such. What happened?
The idea is to read your ex’s happiness and determine his incentive for reaching out. If you learn that your ex is anxious, depressed, and vulnerable, you can tell that he’s looking for shelter and understanding.
But if he’s doing fine and is happy with someone else, then he’s probably reaching out just to check up on you. Something or someone reminded him of you and kept reminding him until he decided to reach out and see what you’ve been up to for himself.
Many incentives encourage exes to reach out after years.
But the most common ones are:
- pain
- guilt
- anxiety
- fear
- curiosity
- and a desire for friendship
Once you know what your ex’s intentions are, you get to decide whether you want to befriend your ex, get back with your ex, or go back to no contact.
You should make your decision based on whether you’re single and happy with the way things are. You should never get back with an ex just because your ex hurt you a lot and because you want vengeance.
For example, if you’re with someone new and you’re happy with him or her, there’s absolutely no need to let your ex confuse you and meddle with your relationship. You already have what makes you happy, so you can just wish your ex well and show him you’re not interested in speaking with him anymore.
That’s how you can keep him away and focus on people who matter to you.
But if you’re single and always wanted to get back with your ex, then this might be the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. You can just talk to your ex and figure out if he’s reaching out because he remembers you in a positive light and wants to get back with you.
I encourage you to talk to your ex about the past and see if he feels as strongly about you as he did back then when he was with you. His receptiveness to your encouragement to talk about the past will tell you everything you need to know.
It will tell you whether your ex is interested in reconnecting with you as a partner, interested in becoming friends, or neither.
Are you wondering why your ex contacted you after 10 years? Let me know what you think about it in the comments below.
And if you’d like our help deciphering your reappearing ex’s behavior, go to our coaching page to learn how to get in touch.
My ex emailed me after a decade, as frequently as once a week over this year. (He was the dumper)
He is married and I’m in a committed relationship. I love my current life. I don’t see any reason for me and him to reconnect.
He was disrespectful to me back then.
Now he said “I miss you” “I still love you” “Your silence is painful to me” “Here is my number…I’m waiting for your call” “I’m sorry for everything” but he didn’t explain why he contacted me suddenly after all these years.
My gut is telling me that it’s dodgy for me to reply. I can foresee that he would bother me even more if I replied.
I have tried to report spam with all his emails but the new ones still keep appearing in my inbox.
He sent me a friend request on FB and I have blocked him. I’ve blocked his number even though he doesn’t know mine. I have also blocked his IG before he could somehow find mine.
If he started bothering me in other ways, I would consider sending a FB message to his wife with screenshots of his emails. Then, they could resolve any issues among themselves.
Hi Leah.
Something made him nostalgic (probably unhappiness). Keep ignoring his reach-outs and he’ll give up on contacting you. If nothing helps or if things escalate, then yes, you can report his behavior to his wife.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
So my very gorgeous ex girlfriend contacted me after ten years. I really secretly loved her and we always did have amazing chemistry but we always just kinda hooked up and fooled around as we were young and the timing was always off and eventually we lived in different states. We never did make anything official as I was kinda running around back then in my early 20s. So eventually She kinda ghosted me and the next time I saw her at a friends get-together, she was married to her ex and was being weird/stand-offish towards me. We didn’t talk again for 10 years until yesterday and she still seems very sweet but she’s been through a terrible time. Lost a close family member, lost her job due to a medical issue and living back at home for now until she’s back on her feet. She’s never been the mischievous type. She’s very corky and sweet, and honest so I don’t sense any ill intent from her. After we chatted for a bit she told me she was still fond of me and thought about me often and I told her I did too but up until that moment I though she was still married so I had written her off and figured she didn’t want to talk to me. Turns out she thought I didn’t want to talk to her but that’s quite the opposite. She also mentioned that she plans on relocating somewhere. She was also the one to bring up and reminisce about us hooking up and the fun times we had together. She’s coming out here by me for a friend’s bachelorette party in two weeks and wants to meet up some time when she’s down here and gave me her number and told me to text or call her and get in touch. I’m just confused as what to make of all this. Could she just be using me to fill a void or something? She’s probably one of the nicest, most down too earth, sincere girl I’ve ever been involved with and can’t see her doing that but you never know. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
-Nickle bag
Hi Nick.
She’s going through a lot, so she could be using you to fill the void. People do that when they’re stressed, anxious, and grieving someone. It may be best to take things very slow with her. Agree to meet up, but only for coffee so you can get to understand her and her problems better.
If she were super excited to be with you, she would have pursued you harder. Keep that in mind, Nick.
Best regards,
Zan
my ex BF ( 2001-2003 ,) i got “closure with our lunch meeting” in 2015,. then he contacts me 2023( why??)
I did the right thing, and short swift ” i am involved” . was I tempted, heck yeah! he is HOT, and exciting, and
I love his mind, but I ALSO never forget his real negative traits..OUCH…..
Hi Anon.
I have no idea why he contacted you know. If I had to guess, he may have thought about you recently or went through something that made him reflect.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex reached out to me 10 years later, he admitted that he never forgot about me and I we were always on the back of each others minds we found out. But he came at a weird time, he’s been separated with the woman he left me for for a few months and I haven’t had the best dating life after him but going through a major downfall in my relationship that I need to break ties with as there’s too much hurt. It’s just so crazy cause he remembered everything and wants us to catch up and see where things go. It’s just so crazy cause never in a million years did I ever think he’d want to come back.
Hi Celina.
He’d been through a lot of ups and downs since the breakup with you. That’s what made him remember and appreciate the good times he shared with you. If you want to give it another go, I suggest you get to know him again. Try to figure out if he’s doing okay emotionally because you don’t want him just to use you.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex just contacted me after 10 years apart. I now understand better his (not so glamorous) reasons to come back. Even if his message overwhelmed me, I had to remember that we were miserable together and he dumped me and that now I am happily married with a good stable guy. I did the hard work, learnt from my mistakes and matured a lot since the breakup.
Great article Zan!
Hi Amo.
Always remember why things didn’t work out with your ex so you don’t confuse the pain he’d caused you for love. Also, be honest with your husband about your ex’s reachout/s. Good relationships are built on good communication.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello,
My ex-girlfriend reach out after 5 years saying she wants to talk an reunite our worlds, that she still has feelings for me,I have to say that I loved this girl, she was my first love and we had a 3 years relationship.
Now she has a 3 years old daughter and she’s a single mum. I always wanted to get her back, but now that she told me this, it makes me insecure, and I don’t know if she really mean it or if she just want a father for the girl. We will have a phone call tomorrow evening and I am nervous about it. What do you think of my situation and what should I do?
Many thanks.
Hi Florress.
It looks like she hasn’t been very successful at dating and that she’s now looking for a new partner. Part of that likely has something to do with the fact that she has a child. But you also have to understand that the baby has made her mature up and that she’ll likely appreciate you much more this time around.
Do what your heart tells you to do, Florress. If you think she wants (not needs) to be with you, see what’s changed since the breakup. You may be able to bond with her and have a good relationship with her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Run! She wants you because she’s 30 and has finally realized that assholes will only pump and dump women until they aren’t hot. Then they realize they can’t get whatever guy they want and reassess all the guys the fucked over To get fucked by Chad. Speaking as someone that got out of a 13 year relationship last October and she was texting and asking if we were “done done” WHILE another guy had already been staying with and sleeping with her for over a month. Her mom even text me independently of my ex saying how much she wished her daughter would’ve gotten her shit together instead of just allowing a rotating cast of asshole a to fuck her until she found one that would, for now, tolerate her unresolved shit. Her mom hates the guy. My response? “Hearing this makes me hate you and your daughter.”
Hi,
My ex reached out to me yesterday after 10 years. I was very very surprised because he was the one who left me to marry his long time girlfriend. Yesterday he said that he got divorced and remarried a few years back. He has 2 sons, one from from first and one from his second marriage. It seems he wanted to tell me more and said would call me up again. He remembered very fondly of the times we spent together and also justified that he could not have kept me happy. He commented that I’m much happier in life now and also to my utter surprise invited me and my husband to his house. He also asked me if I was still very romantic and complimented me saying I looked prettier.
I don’t really know how to respond. I was very much in love with him and took a long time to move on. I had deliberately trained my mind to not think of him. But he got me thinking about him again.
Interestingly, when we were dating he was so hesitant to own up that we were actually having an affair. He always said that I was a very good friend of his. Once he had said that he would not be able to support me financially additionally he belonged to a different religion and also had a long distance girlfriend.
Any thoughts on what his intentions may be. Thanks.
Hi Moon.
Your ex may be going through a difficult time and is, as a result, reminiscing. He’s thinking about his exes because they are the first thing that comes to mind.
I recommend that you not speak with him. If you do, he could make you think about him way too much—and that’s not good for your relationship with your husband.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much Zen. This is the advice I needed. I have always been too kind with him and ended up hurting myself again & again. The article really helped me understand clearly lot of things plus your recommendation. Really appreciate.
You’re welcome, Moon.
Stay strong and everything will work out in the end.
Sincerely,
Zan
An ex from 8 years ago reached out after seeing me on his friend suggestions, but then when I replied I’ve had no response, I’m so confused.
We had an amicable breakup and I wouldn’t have minded talking to him again.
Hi M.
Some guys reach out just to test the waters. Once they get a response, they stop feeling anxious or curious, so they ignore the response.
Tip: Never double text a person.
Kind regards,
Zan
Still can’t figure why he reached out after years. But I got tired of the shallow going- nowhere conversations and ghosted the ghost. I am queen of my universe..
Wow you are fabulous. Absolutely amazing in your clinical and accurate reasoning. Zan, I continue to be very impressed with your skills.
Thank you, Karen!
Zan
Hi Ricki.
If the conversations were meaningless, it doesn’t matter why he reached out. He didn’t reach out to get back together, so go back to NC.
Best regards,
Zan
Without a king that’s as lonely a universe as the one I inhabit without my proverbial queen. We can all pretend we are cool with shitty circumstances but be honest, none of us, including the most boss bi*** independent strong woman wants to wake up alone at 40 anymore than I do as a man. Life is shitty. It’s better to have someone to hold hands with as you walk through it. Sure you can do it alone. But it objectively sucks more. (Got out of a 13 year relationship last October). Much love. It sucks out here alone for all of us
This article made me think!!! Usually that’s the moment when they think , when the dumper it’s most hurt.
Always curious to see the newest articles from you!!!
Thank you x10000 Zan ❤️
Thanks for leaving a comment, Linda!
Much appreciated,
Zan
I reached out to an ex after fifteen years. We’d had a very good seven-year relationship and she was a great person. She married after and I didn’t think it appropriate to contact her then. But when I saw that her husband had passed away I emailed her just to say hello.
How did it go?
It was weird, tbh. She responded reluctantly. I suggested we talk on the phone and catch up. She didn’t reply. Then a few month later she texted and said we should talk. Then months went by and I haven’t heard from her since.
Hi Doug.
That was nice of you. I hope the conversation went well!
Sincerely,
Zan