Is My Ex Slowly Coming Back?

As I’ve mentioned many times on this blog, exes rarely come back slowly. They don’t return in ways dumpees expect them to – by forgiving them and learning to trust them and work with them.

Normally, they come back fast by skipping the self-improvement phase.

This means they don’t learn much while the dumpee is gone. They tend to focus on themselves and try to enjoy their post-breakup life.

If they enjoy it and keep enjoying it even after they’ve stopped feeling relieved, they don’t return. Instead of coming back, they keep viewing themselves as victims and think poorly of their ex. Such negativity justifies the breakup in their minds and allows them to move on to someone else.

The only reason dumpers come back is that they fail in their quest for everlasting happiness.

They get their expectations crushed, reflect, and realize they need their ex more than they thought. Such dumpers encounter problems bigger than they can handle and don’t know how to move forward without their ex.

They can’t be happy until they’ve dealt with problems that are complicating their life and hurting them.

Always remember that reconciliation is dumpers’ last resort. It’s their backup plan and the fastest solution to fixing their problems and unhappiness.

When they have problems they can’t deal with on their own, they often seek help from an ex they used to feel secure with. That’s because such a person can provide them with validation and safety and instantly take their pain away.

For dumpers to come back for comfort and healing, something major must go awry. Something (or better yet someone) must hurt them so badly that they think about their safety and want their ex’s help.

If they discern their ex can resolve their problems and prevent similar problems from recurring in the future (give them long-term safety), they can quickly forget the issues they had with their ex, acknowledge their mistakes (due to shattered self-esteem), and redevelop romantic feelings and cravings.

They can shift their focus and be willing to let their ex in again.

This happens in a matter of days (not weeks). If an ex talks to you for weeks, he or she isn’t dealing with any major problems or problems that he or she needs your help with. Your ex is probably using you for emotional support and companionship and will rely on you as a friend rather than a partner.

If you don’t want that, refuse to settle for friendship and by doing so, prevent your ex from stringing you along. Remind yourself that exes don’t slowly come back. It merely seems that they do because they slowly process the breakup and feel at ease.

So if you’re wondering whether your ex is slowly coming back, you need to understand that reconciliation isn’t about your wants and needs. Now that you’ve disconnected romantically, it’s not about what you can get but what your ex can get.

If your ex needs forgiveness and a familiar face to talk to, your ex will keep you around as a friend. He or she will communicate in ways that are convenient for him or her and get what you’re willing to give.

However, if your ex needs you back as a partner, your ex will show you what he or she wants directly and quickly.

You won’t have to guess and wonder if your ex is slowly coming back. It will be obvious that your ex does and that he or she needs you back now (not next year). 

This is because dumpers feel eager to connect in the moment. They need their ex’s validation immediately so they can cope with their problems and feel better with the help of their ex.

If they take things slowly, chances are their ex will pressure them with his/her expectations or that they’ll meet someone else and choose that person over their ex.

It’s much easier and more tempting for them to start a new relationship than it is to fix a broken relationship with their ex.

Therefore, keep in mind that most dumpers return when they can’t deal with something painful. This can be a difficult breakup, a loss of a job/a place to stay, illness, or anything that makes them see their life is much more difficult without their ex.

In today’s post, we discuss if your ex is slowly coming back to you.

Is my ex slowly coming back?

When the dumper is taking his or her sweet time, it’s obvious that the dumper isn’t on his or her way back. The dumper isn’t thinking about giving the relationship another shot because if he or she was, it wouldn’t take the dumper so long to return.

The whole process would take just a few days as that’s how long dumpers need to succumb to anxiety and regret and run back to their ex for validation and healing.

Don’t forget that exes don’t come back looking happy. They come back visibly miserable, anxious, sad, depressed, and defeated. They’re worried that their ex will say no to reconciliation and that they’ll have to suffer alone and live with regrets.

So if your ex is cheerful, optimistic, and chatty—and is making jokes, know that your ex is not slowly coming back. Happy exes don’t come back, period. They stay far away from their dumpees as doing so lets them self-prioritize and enjoy their post-breakup life.

If you want your ex to come back, you need your ex to experience something shocking and hurtful. Preferably something that affects his or her self-esteem, direction in life, and sense of safety.

The more your ex struggles to accept himself/herself and the decisions he or she has made, the bigger the chance that your ex will come running back, begging for forgiveness, love, and a relationship to work on.

In all fairness, some exes do come back slowly. But such exes typically return because they’re deciding between their ex and someone else. They’re in a dilemma as their new partner is a downgrade compared to their ex.

He or she isn’t compatible with them, so they keep them both hooked until they’ve decided which relationship to go with.

As a person of value, you mustn’t compete with other people. You mustn’t put yourself in situations where you’re willing to stick around as a friend and wait for your ex’s new relationship/s to fail.

No one says that they will fail and that your ex will go back to you. Your ex could just move on to someone else and/or cope with problems without you.

For reconciliation to happen, your ex will have to have an epiphany. And for your ex to have an epiphany, he or she has to be capable of engaging in reflection and introspection.

That means your ex has to be mature and/or capable of moving on from the past.

Don’t expect your ex to come back just because you were a good partner. You need to be realistic and understand why exes come back. If you think they come back solely because you were the most attentive partner, that’s just one of the hundreds of less important qualities they could miss.

The main reason they come back is unhappiness and the realization that the life they have now isn’t how they imagined it would be. This kind of thinking can create regret and a desire to go back in time and feel happy and secure.

As difficult as this may be to read, try to accept that your ex probably isn’t slowly coming back.

If you’ve been in contact with your ex and things have improved a bit, this is because your ex has managed to relax around you (stopped feeling pressured and guilt-tripped). Your ex isn’t slowly coming back but rather, slowly getting used to the new friendship.

Because you broke up and remained in contact afterward, your ex went through the dumper breakup stages while talking to you. This means your ex gradually opened up to you and made you think that his or her feelings for you are slowly returning.

In reality, your ex just saw that you’re not a threat to his or her happiness and got a bit more comfortable.

Don’t mistake your ex’s improved attitude and receptiveness for a sign that your ex is slowly coming back. As much as I’d like to tell you that dumpers start acting nice when they want their dumpee back, this just isn’t true.

Exes become friendly, talkative, and respectful when they process the most difficult parts of the breakup and decide they want to be friends. That’s when they lower their guard and appear more open to talking than during or right after the breakup.

So if you can’t get the question, “Is my ex slowly coming back” out of your head, know that this is unlikely to be the case as most dumpers come back very quickly (after they’ve realized their ex’s worth, of course). They return in a matter of days because they don’t want to suffer alone and live with regrets.

The only times you can tell (or almost tell) your ex is slowly coming back is when your ex tells you that he or she is working on restoring love and trust and that he or she wants the relationship to succeed very badly.

Sometimes exes rationally want to be with their ex-partner but can’t because they’ve emotionally disconnected/burnt out or become resentful.

Such exes could eventually slowly come back, provided that they seek help and learn to let go of the past and look forward to new beginnings.

Sadly, many if not most exes who slowly try to make their relationship work fail. They can’t find a way to disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from each other, so they react to stressors the same way as before and convince themselves their partner isn’t the one for them. 

They basically succumb to doubts and decide not to change the way they perceive their ex and feel about him or her. 

Reconciliations may happen for different reasons, but most reconciliations follow the same pattern. There is some kind of realization, followed by pain, regret, and a desire to reconnect.

Without undesirable emotions and awareness that things took a turn for the worse, you can hang out with your ex 7 days a week, party with your ex like an animal, and sleep with your ex—and your ex still won’t choose to be with you romantically.

Your ex will think of you as someone he or she benefits from and as a result, look for new people to develop a connection with.

So if you’re waiting for your ex to slowly come back, bear in mind that you’re currently waiting for your ex to run into problems and learn why he or she won’t be happy without you. Instead of giving your ex space, you’re in your ex’s face, hoping that your ex discovers your worth through communication and bonding

You need to give up on this idea (on wanting to prove your worth to your ex) so your ex can be free and get into a pickle. Problems will enable your ex to reflect whereas your presence will show you’re still around and willing to reconcile. 

By sticking around, you’ll let your ex friend-zone you and single-handedly destroy your ex’s curiosity and sense of urgency.

To know whether your ex is slowly coming back, you only need to ask yourself two things.

Did my ex promise to return and is my ex working on his or her reasons for breaking up? If your ex is going to therapy, updating you on his/her progress, and talking about the relationship and eagerness to reconnect, your ex is most likely slowly coming back.

Your ex has goals to reconcile and plans to be with you.

But if your ex is staying silent, ignoring you, getting angry with you, calling you names, talking badly about you, and dating others, your ex is clearly not thinking about getting back together with you. Your ex is enjoying his or her new life and doesn’t see himself or herself getting back with you in the near future.

Most dumpers believe they’ll never get back together with their ex. This belief is often fueled by their current emotions, which they may even vocalize to their ex.

They tend to think that way until they realize they took their ex for granted and made a huge mistake (stop feeling victimized).

That being said, the following picture shows how you can tell your ex is slowly coming back.

Whether your ex is coming back slowly or quickly, remember that your ex will show or express a desire or need to be with you. Your ex will want to be with you to avoid pain and feel happy.

Pay attention to whether your ex has encountered any problems and figure out what your ex is trying to get out of you.

If your ex wants to be your friend and shows no romantic interest, you need to get space from your ex as your ex currently has no romantic feelings for you and probably won’t develop them any time soon.

That could change in the future, but you don’t have years to waste on an ex who may or may not realize your worth. Life is too short and valuable.

Give up on slowly getting back with your ex 

I strongly encourage you to give up on the slow reconciliation method. Nothing good will come of it as it won’t give you the results you want. It will just get you friend-zoned and strung along. 

Slow and steady communication doesn’t win the race when it comes to getting back with an ex. A different kind of approach does. One that requires no communication. It’s called no contact. This method has a much higher success rate and is much safer as it gives your ex space and allows you to detach.

In contrast to communication, it helps you regain your sanity and find joy in life.

So if you’re hurting from the breakup and want your ex back, cut your ex off immediately. Don’t waste any more time because the longer you speak to your ex and pretend you’re okay with friendship, the longer it will take to heal.

This is because you’ll stay hopeful and convince yourself that your ex could come back if you patiently reel your ex back in.

Although there’s a small chance your ex will take the bait, it’s much more likely that you’ll make a mistake. You’ll expect too much time and attention and by doing so, push your ex further away. That will, in turn, make you more anxious and tempt you to try a more direct approach.

An approach that threatens your ex’s safety and respect for you and destroys the chances of getting back together.

Don’t hesitate to cease all communication. I know it’s scary, but it’s healthier for you and better for your ex’s respect, curiosity, and feelings that you depict strength and self-love.

Your ex will think about you more and in better ways if you pull away after the breakup and show you’re emotionally independent and capable of living without him/her.

So if you’re still wondering if your ex is slowly coming back, be fair to yourself and admit that your ex isn’t. Your ex hasn’t found any reasons to reconcile yet and probably won’t anytime soon unless something difficult ensues.

Something that ruins your ex’s perception of himself/herself and triggers his or her desires for validation and security. 

What’s your opinion on this topic? Is your ex slowly coming back to you? Have you noticed any signs of regret? Share your observations with us in the comments area below.

And if you prefer to talk about your ex privately, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.