My Ex Keeps Texting Me But Wants To Be Friends

Sometimes exes keep texting us after the breakup. They make us feel they want a relationship with us when in reality, they only want friendship. They want a friendship without commitment so they can get what they want from us.

What they typically want is validation, forgiveness, emotional support, relationship benefits, and friendship. And they’re usually prepared to guilt-trip us and make it seem as if friendship is normal and no contact is not.

Such exes must be denied access to our lives so they don’t confuse us and hurt us even more.

Exes (dumpers) must understand they can no longer receive our friendliness for free. They gave away this privilege when they decided to break up with us and went their separate ways.

If they didn’t know we wouldn’t be okay with downgrading from relationship to friendship, that’s not our problem. They should have considered all the risks and changes before they initiated the breakup and broke our hearts.

As dumpees, we don’t owe dumpers anything. We don’t owe them friendship, support, or special assistance. The only thing we owe them (and every other person in this world) is respect. That’s something people deserve just for existing.

Respect, however, doesn’t include dialogue. We needn’t or rather mustn’t communicate with exes who don’t feel the same way about us. This isn’t an ego thing, but something we must do out of self-protection.

If we talk to them, thinking we might reattract them, we stay hopeful and anxious and prevent ourselves from moving on and becoming the best versions of ourselves.

And that’s not good. It’s the opposite of what we need when we get our hearts crushed.

If we can’t be in a relationship with someone we love, the least we deserve is space and a chance to get over our ex. We have the right to be happy just like our ex had the right to leave. We respected our ex’s decision to quit, so it’s only fair that our ex also respects our need to heal.

Sadly, not all exes respect our wants and needs. Exes who don’t let us get over them don’t have much sympathy for us. They don’t understand or care we’re in pain as they only want what they want. Some are even willing to argue with us for pushing them out of our lives.

So if your ex keeps texting you but only wants to be friends, know that your ex wants the best of both worlds. Your ex wants you to sacrifice your happiness and self-love for companionship and false hope.

That’s extremely unfair and selfish of your ex as post-breakup friendship resets your healing over and over again. It gives you the attention you crave, but it doesn’t give you the emotional satisfaction you received when you were a couple.

That’s why one of the worst mistakes you can make as a dumpee is to settle for friendship. Friendship not only gives you unbelievable amounts of false hope and anxiety, but it also makes you dependent on your ex and prevents you from growing as a person and moving on.

If you think about it, you suffer twice. Once for getting broken up with and once for letting your ex mess with your heart. You essentially put your ex in charge of your happiness and healing and allow your ex to string you along.

This friendship probably won’t last forever. It will probably end one day.

Here are some ways in which it could come to an end:

• You could get anxious, pressure your ex into being with you, and make your ex see it’s not possible to be friends
• You could get tired of feeling unimportant, regain your power, and cut your ex off months too late
• Your ex could meet someone else, stop responding to you, and make you feel used
• Your ex’s partner could feel uncomfortable with you and ask your ex to stop communicating with you
• Things could fizzle out on their own

Whatever you do, don’t keep your ex around for validation purposes. I get that you’re afraid of your ex moving on and never speaking to your ex again, but your ex has already moved on. He or she gave up on the relationship before you even noticed your ex was thinking about abandoning it.

You must now stop thinking about you and your ex getting back together as a couple and think about yourself. Think about your well-being and how you can recover from the separation not only as quickly as possible but also in ways that change your life for the better.

You probably already know that texting and calling your ex won’t help you feel better in the long run. It will validate you in the moment (if your ex responds quickly and empathetically), but it won’t make you feel loved and desired.

And to be desired is a must for you. It’s what you crave more than anything. Sadly, this is something your ex can’t and won’t give you. Not as long as your ex doesn’t see a future with you.

Therefore, know that you needn’t be friends with your ex. Friendship is completely unnecessary because it will not solve any of your problems. It will actually create new problems and make you suffer longer than you need to.

In this post, we discuss why your ex keeps texting you and wants to be friends and what you can do to stop your ex from torturing you without obliterating the chances of your ex wanting you back in the future.

My ex keeps texting me but wants to be friends

If your ex keeps texting you but wants to be friends, your ex doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you. Your ex only sees you as someone he or she has a history with and doesn’t want to fall out of touch with.

Mind you that your ex was more than happy to let go of you romantically. Doing so made your ex feel free and relieved. It empowered your ex and made your ex happier than ever.

It didn’t, however, allow your ex to move on with a clear conscience. Your ex probably felt bad for breaking your heart and destroying your dreams and hopes. To compensate for the inconveniences he or she caused, your ex offered you friendship.

Your ex did this directly by asking for it or indirectly by texting you and showing you that he or she still respected you and wanted to spend time with you. Either way, your ex wanted you to think that it was normal to be friends with a person he or she abandoned romantically. 

Your ex didn’t seem to remember or care that friendship would force you to stay obsessed with the breakup and delay your healing.

Dumpers aren’t bad people. But they often lack the ability (empathy) to put themselves in their ex’s shoes. Many dumpers prioritize their wants over their ex’s needs and by doing so, tempt or guilt-trip their ex into settling for friends.

By doing so, they give their ex unnecessary hope and trigger painful emotional setbacks.

If your ex keeps texting you only because your ex wants to be friends, you shouldn’t let your ex keep doing that to you. You may really want to talk to your ex, but talking isn’t going to fix the issues that caused the breakup.

One of the biggest issues is that your ex fell out of love. Due to unhealthy thinking patterns, your ex attached negative thoughts and feelings to your persona and made you into the person he or she wanted you to be. That means your ex changed the way he or she saw you and must now find ways to undo these changes.

I can tell you right now that your ex won’t willingly change his or her perception of you because of friendship.

Friendship and communication won’t fix it because:

• your ex thinks he or she knows you and doesn’t want to think and feel differently about you
• your ex is stubborn (who isn’t?) and needs something out of his or her control to see your value

Your ex could willingly think better of you, but that’s extremely unlikely. People don’t disassociate negative beliefs from their exes just because it’d be nice to do so.

Sure, time helps them see things a bit more clearly, but it doesn’t make them do a 180. To change their mind about the breakup, they normally need to suffer because pain forces them to reflect and make some healthy long needed changes.

The chances of your ex suffering while you’re friends aren’t necessarily zero. But you need to know that it could take your ex years before he or she hits a snag and falls back in love. If you stay friends until then, you’ll keep longing for your ex and risk jinxing the relationship.

Also, there’s no guarantee that your ex will look for backup options (exes to be with) when things go south. Your ex could get therapy, move forward, and/or meet someone else. That would make you feel stupid for waiting for your ex for years and wasting your time.

You can avoid disappointment and hurt feelings by refusing to text back and forth with your ex. It’s much better for your sanity that you say no to friendship and keep your ex far away from you. The bigger the physical and emotional distance, the better you will feel and the quicker you’ll recover.

That being said, here are 5 simple reasons why your ex keeps texting you.

Should I make my ex stop texting me?

Absolutely.

You should do everything in your power to take back control of your life. You won’t recover emotionally (or recover as fast as you can) if you allow your ex to reach out and talk about things that don’t interest you.

Talking will only give you more hope, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts. You might even become depressed or suicidal, so don’t do it.

There are no positives to being your ex’s texting buddy. The only half-positive thing I can think of is that it will give you a little bit of hope to help you cope with the breakup. Once you run out of hope, though (and you’ll run out of hope very quickly), you’ll once again want to text your ex and feel desperate to reconcile.

You’ll feel desperate for connection and chase your ex for another dose of validation.

If you communicate with your ex regularly, you’ll get stuck in a pattern of relying on your ex for hope and healing. You’ll basically put your ex on a pedestal and think of your ex as the only person who can take your pain away.

That kind of thinking is extremely dangerous as it will force you to stop working on yourself and detaching from your ex. It will make you feel that you can take the easy road and avoid pain and self-improvement. Again, the breakup happened for a reason. You need to learn why it happened and improve as much as you can from it.

That, as well as healing, should be every dumpee’s top priority.

So whatever you do, don’t tolerate your ex’s breadcrumbs. Don’t reach out to your ex either. Instead, give each other some space so you can get used to living without each other. If you don’t like your ex after you’ve detached and if your ex doesn’t come back, you can both move on and meet someone else.

Someone who can actually give you what you’re looking for.

The breakup happened because you couldn’t make the romantic relationship work. And that doesn’t mean you should downgrade and settle for friendship. You (the dumpee) aren’t ready for it. You need to get yourself back before you can consider having any kind of friendship with your ex.

Once you’re over your ex, you can then decide if being friends with an ex is even worth it. Right now, you probably think that it is because you’re used to talking to your ex. But when you get over your ex and look at the broken relationship from a different angle, you’ll probably change your mind.

You’ll see that friendship only complicates things and that it makes your future relationships harder.

To make your ex stop texting you, you should talk to your ex about it. You should tell your ex that you’re not ready for friendship and that you don’t want to communicate anymore. Be frank, but respectful at the same time as your ex needs to see that you’re serious and that you won’t act like everything’s normal.

Things certainly aren’t normal. You broke up, so pretending the breakup never happened won’t help you.

Your ex may be able to act like a friend, but your ex didn’t get his or her heart crushed. Your ex already processed the breakup and got over it. He or she must now let you do the same.

Since your ex isn’t letting you do that, you must ask for space yourself. Explain that you need time and that you’ll reach out when or if you’re ready. Your ex will probably let you be after that.

If your ex doesn’t respect your need for space, you should be more straightforward and say you need to be alone and that you’ll have to block him or her if he or she keeps texting you. The next time your ex reaches out, you can safely block your ex.

You shouldn’t feel bad about it because someone who doesn’t care about your healing doesn’t care about your feelings and needs. He or she only wants what’s best for him or her and must, therefore, be avoided.

I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you have any questions or things to add, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below.

Magnet of Success also does 1-on-1 relationship and breakup coaching. If you need our help, get in touch with us here.

See you next time!

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.