Fearful avoidants are complicated people as they’re afraid of getting too close to romantic partners and afraid of being too distant. They like to be in just the right spot – in the Goldilocks Zone in which they can remain in control of the pace of the relationship and take necessary action if things progress or regress.
Every fearful-avoidant is different in terms of wants, needs, feelings, and behavior. Some like more space and others more affection. But one thing all fearful avoidants have in common is that they all want to feel secure and in control and tend to react strongly (emotionally) when their needs aren’t being met or when they’re “overmet.”
By reacting strongly, they express that they aren’t happy with their partner’s level of interest and that they want to be treated the way they’re used to being treated.
If you got dumped by your ex and are now wondering how to get a fearful-avoidant back, the most important thing you need to understand is that you won’t get this person back solely with zeal and determination. You won’t be able to attract your ex by reaching out and telling him you miss him. If you let your emotions speak for you, you’ll only trigger your ex’s avoidant needs and scare him away.
And that’s when your ex will say or do something to hurt you.
Your best chance of reattracting an avoidant is through his other attachment style – the fearful one. He’s much more likely to realize he’s lost a great person if he becomes afraid of distancing himself from you and living without you. That’s because the fear of loss could force him to run back to you and make him feel safe again.
So instead of sending your ex letters and pestering him like he’s the last person on the planet, give your ex space. Remember that the avoidant part of him has made him run away and that he won’t like it if you force yourself in his space-deprived life and try to trigger his old feelings for you.
I can tell you right now that there will be no triggering of old feelings as long as he’s unprepared and unwilling to change the way he thinks and feels about you. It will happen later ON ITS OWN when the guy or woman has dealt with avoidant issues and realized that he or she is afraid of losing you forever. That’s when your fearful-avoidant ex will temporarily forget about his avoidant tendencies and act on the fearful ones.
Your ex will call you, text you, and do the things remorseful dumpers do. He will do whatever it takes to restore the relationship to how it was because that’s the only way your ex will feel safe and validated. Your ex will have to worry about his or her avoidant needs later (after he or she has dealt with fears and obtained love).
But when your ex is remorseful, your ex will only want your affection because fear of detachment, abandonment, and thoughts of being forgotten cause a painful feeling. It makes fearful-avoidant dumpers come running because it hurts them emotionally and triggers their childhood fears.
Speaking of childhood fears, we should mention that most fearful-avoidant attachment styles are developed in a person’s early childhood. A child usually doesn’t get proper love and affection and is left alone to tend to his or her needs. This results in the child growing up with a murky understanding of love, which makes it difficult for him or her to accept and reciprocate love in adolescent life and later.
Fearful avoidant styles are common in families where parents are distant, uncaring, unloving, abusive, and emotionally unexpressive. Oftentimes, parents are in unhealthy relationships, addicted to harmful substances, or have anger or other unresolved issues that subconsciously inculcate their attachment styles into their children.
The title of this post is how to get a fearful-avoidant back. Thanks for reading.
How to get a fearful-avoidant back?
To get a fearful-avoidant back, you must understand how fearful avoidants function at the core. Understanding their attachment style is key as misunderstanding them will result in failure even if you get back with them. It will make them feel overwhelmed or conversely, neglected if you give them too much space.
Fearful avoidants can be very confusing as they have moments when they act “normal” and moments when they act distant. They want a relationship they can feel comfortable in, but at the same time, a relationship in which they aren’t too needed and prioritized. And that’s what makes them so difficult to understand.
On one hand, they crave the same things from a relationship that people with secure attachments do. But on the other, they want their own space and privacy to live comfortably without any pressure put on them.
If you want your fearful-avoidant to come back, you have to keep in mind that reuniting with a fearful-avoidant could take time and lots of self-control. You will need to let your ex go (to provide freedom) and prove that you don’t emotionally depend on your ex for well-being.
That’s the only way you’ll ease your ex’s need for space and increase his or her desire to bond.
Of course, your ex won’t realize your worth and return to you just by not speaking with you for a while. That’s unlikely as your ex will remain fixed on his or her decision to leave. For your fearful-avoidant ex to come back, your ex will have to go through the same stages dumpers go through and discern that you were a good partner to him or her.
The only thing that makes your ex stand out from other types of dumpers that come back is that your ex is fearful and a bit more likely to get affected by a fear of loss and detachment. Your ex has unresolved childhood fears that imply your ex is likely more susceptible to stress and anxiety and capable of reflecting when things take a turn for the worse.
This means that getting a fearful-avoidant back is a big waiting game. It’s a test of will that forces you to give your fearful-avoidant ex what he wants and pushes your separation anxiety, fears, and self-control to the limits.
Reuniting with an ex whose attachment style is different from yours requires your ex to discern that you are not as different as he or she had thought. It demands that the dumper acknowledges your emotional needs are aligned and that you can work together if you both put your back into it.
Dumpers (anxious, avoidant, or secure ones) can see they’d made a hasty decision and regret leaving their dumpee. But for them to regret it, they need a reason to regret it – a strong emotional incentive. And that incentive is 99% of the time created by a need to bond rather than just a want.
In other words, the dumper has to be forced to learn that he’s not perfect (that he has things to work on) and that the relationship made him or her happy.
As I mentioned before, it can take the dumper a long time before he or she reaches this conclusion. We’re talking about months or years of time. Only the most fearful or insecure dumpers come running back soon after the breakup. Most dumpers, unfortunately, need to learn the hard way that they aren’t as desirable as they thought they were.
So if you want to know how to get your fearful-avoidant ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend back, bear in mind that there is no such thing as getting an ex back. There is only the dumper getting you back because that’s the only way he or she will see your worth, improve his or her fearful-avoidant thoughts and behaviors, and make things right.
My advice is to get thoughts like, “I need to do something to get my fearful-avoidant ex back” out of your head. That’s your anxiety speaking, telling you to act on emotions (fears) that will trap your ex and make him or her feel more of that which he/she doesn’t want.
More resistance.
It’s difficult to give your avoidant ex what he needs when emotions run high. But you need to do it because as long as your ex needs space and thinks you’re incompatible, your ex is emotionally incapable of redeveloping feelings for you and will get more and more irritated by you. Your ex will keep getting frustrated and could eventually stop responding to you and wound you.
That’s why there’s only one way to proceed with a fearful-avoidant ex-partner. And that way is to move forward and never look back. It’s what your ex wants and needs to feel respected and in control. You must let your ex feel that way so he can go through the detachment process. When he does, he’ll become capable of realizing that he took you for granted and gave up thanks to his poor mentality caused by unpleasant childhood experiences.
That being said, here are 6 things to do to get your fearful-avoidant ex back or in other words, 6 ways to maximize your chances of him or her realizing your worth and coming back on his or her own.
Making a fearful-avoidant miss you isn’t easy, but luckily, there’s something you can do to increase the chances of that happening. You can start the indefinite no contact rule which essentially means cutting your ex off and refusing to call him or her or her when anxiety kicks in.
If I said no contact is really hard, I’d be sugarcoating it. No contact is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life as you’ll feel agonizing pain and an overwhelming desire to communicate with your ex. But that’s exactly why no contact has the highest chance of success. It could make your ex see you’re handling the breakup well and that you don’t need any help.
That could then make your avoidant ex curious about you and ignite nostalgia. So make sure to distance yourself from your ex so your ex can process the breakup naturally at his/her own pace and think about you when the time is right.
Fearful avoidant during no contact
Doing no contact with a fearful-avoidant isn’t much different than no contact with a regular ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. The truth is, it’s exactly the same as an ex who doesn’t want to be with you needs time to himself/herself and doesn’t deserve relationship benefits without commitment.
The man or woman deserves only the gift of missing you. That’s what he or she asked for with the breakup and needs to receive it no matter how badly you miss your ex and want to be with him or her. If your ex senses that you miss and need him more than he needs you, you can forget about reattracting your fearful-avoidant ex during no contact. You won’t be successful at it because your ex will feel your desperation and get close to people whose loyalty he has to work for and earn.
Exes (especially avoidants) respect and desire only those who want them as much or less than them. Anyone who wants them more repulses them. Avoidants or fearful-avoidants brand such people as incompatible as they can’t connect with them or stay connected on the same emotional level.
They feel that they don’t understand them and that they must find someone who does.
So if you’re eager to learn how to get a fearful-avoidant back during no contact, don’t become aggressive and start reattracting your ex by messaging your ex, talking to your ex’s friends and family, or bragging on social media about your new life. Your ex won’t take the bait because your ex won’t be ready to take the bait.
The only time your ex will be ready to change his/her opinion of you and feel something for you is when your ex spends some time away from you and discerns that losing you was a mistake.
That’s when your ex will show you or tell you (probably both) that life without you isn’t the same as before and that he or she would like you back at least to some degree (as a friend or more). Yes, you could easily get friend-zoned by your ex because that’s what exes who miss friendship with an ex do.
They throw friendship at their ex’s face so they don’t lose their ex completely.
But if that happens, you have to say you’re not ready for friendship and that you need more time to focus on your wants and needs.
So whatever you do, don’t settle for friendship and let your fearful-avoidant ex be avoidant again. Instead of letting your ex be in charge, stand up for yourself, get your lost power back, and keep moving forward with your life. If your ex comes back, it will be when your ex sees that you have what it takes to take care of yourself and enjoy your life without your ex in it.
A fearful ex could become fearful of losing you. You need to hold on until that happens or until you’ve moved on. Either way, you’ll soon get what you need to be happy and stop wondering how to get a fearful-avoidant back.
Hang in there!
Do you agree with what you should do to get a fearful-avoidant ex back? Do you have any suggestions or concerns to share with us? Let us know below the post.
And also, if you’re looking for individual advice regarding your fearful-avoidant ex, get in touch with us by subscribing to our coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Your posts have been very helpful to me going through the breakup with my ex of 3 years.
He left because he was happy most of the times but times when we fight over minor stuff his sadness was overwhelming. He was also going through depression. I begged at the time of breakup but remained NC for past 2 months.
He reached out 2 months mark and asked to meet. He gave me a birthday gift and said I am an important person in his life and the most amazing woman. The whole conversation felt like he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. I told him that as I still have feelings for him and seeing him is difficult as I will have hopes for us. He looked sad and wished me the best as we said goodbye.
It’s been a few days since the meet up and I have been struggling so much as I feel there is no more chance of reconciliation. Would love to hear your advice. Thank you
Hi Lucy.
The negative moments define the quality and success of the relationship. I think that at the end of the relationship, he could no longer maintain his love for you. He had too many unresolved issues and difficult emotions affecting him.
The guy can only be your friend right now. But since you’re not ready for it, it’s best that you stay away from him. If he reaches out, tell him you’re not ready to communicate and that you need time to work on yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your reply. It’s been almost a month since he reached out to show his interest in keeping me in his life. Although I have been doing everything I need to do to move on by the book, I still long for him to reach out with regret but he has not messaged me since then.
Only the social media posts of him partying and waking up hungover demonstrate no sign of such whereas I have been heartbroken for the past 3 months since the breakup still believing that he is the love of my life.
I fear that now there’s no chance of reconciliation as I believe there’s nothing more I can do as reaching out to him will only push him away. What would advise me in this situation? I fear that he might have gone through his remorse or he is exception to the cycle.
Thank you so much.
Hi Lucy.
I strongly suggest that you unfollow him, stay off social media, or delete/block him. You need to stop seeing what he’s up to. A lack of information on him will let you heal whereas seeing his posts will delay your recovery. You need to stay away from him to realize that he’s not the love of your life. He’s someone you were meant to date to realize what you want and don’t want.
Give it a few more months and your opinion of him will change significantly.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I met my FA ex- girlfriend on a trip to Thailand through a planned trip. We enjoyed the honeymoon phase first, during 10 days that were amazing and in which she opened up to me very easily.
Then, we started a 4 months medium distance relationship, with her calling me every single day to complain about her live’s problems: work, family, friends, etc. I was very supportive and secure.
She is basically surrounded by a few good friends and loads of acquaintances that hurt her trust in many different ways, but still she is always sacrificing her time to be there for them. She might have 5 plans in just one day with different group of friends, and yet she tries to please everybody. And she has a very problematic brother she has been dealing with since very early and that will eventually end up in prison. Her mother is kind of a hippy and his father is colder than an iceberg. Also, she has never been in a serious relation since about 8 years ago.
She was acting really anxious and jealous at the beginning and I thought she was an AP and I could manage her feelings, that I was her safe space, her rock, her person to call.
We saw each other from week to week, either one of us going or coming to work from the other’s home and spend some days together. We had a loving nurturing relation, full of future plans: travelling, having kids, marrying in Las Vegas.
One day, I started seeing her detached. Eyes glazed, distant etc. I asked about her feelings but she told me nothing was up with her. We had some fights over the phone due to her lack of communication regarding her own feelings and understanding what was really happening to her. I’ve been to therapy for 4 years now, so I was very understanding, but I guess sometimes I overextended my help and told her things she didnt want to listen like: “Dont drink on a Sunday because Monday is gonna be hard”. Then Monday arrived and, oh, surprise, she had a great headache. Or “Go to the groceries now, or you wont have food tomorrow after the trip with your friends”. Then she arrived with an empty fridge and more self complaints and regrets.
Nothing really bad happened until we did a roadtrip this July.
From being in a distance relationship to spending 10 days together on a van it was too much.
On day 4 of the trip, and after what seemed to me like some normal arguments (no sleep, loads of driving) she was distant and wanted no physical intimacy, and she dumped me. I was shocked and torn.
This is the same woman that was writing me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and that she never felt as happy as with me. I booked a flight home, but when we were driving to the airport, she started crying.
She told me in tears: “I sometimes get blocked” – “Im a little girl” – “I wanted to marry you and have kids with you”, etc etc.
We continued our trip, and cut ourselves some slack due to a very stressing schedule. Instead of driving more days, we decided to stop and enjoy every little town. We came back to the Honeymoon phase, we had a lot of sex and a lot of fun.
The end of the roadtrip arrived.
She was going to spend some days with her family and we were going to spend like 2-3 weeks away, the longest time away since we started. She kissed me goodbye on the cheek instead of the mouth.
During this time with her family, she kept me hanging for days, with less and less conversations, and making up excuses for not calling, but from time to time, when I was detaching, she would pop up in my whatsapp with a Love you, or an I miss you, and stuff, being very caring and warm.
Then she wrote me a message that she didnt want to continue this relationship, that she was hurting me, she still had doubts, etc. I was torn. I begged and tried to make her realize this was another episode like the one during the roadtrip. But she said I shouldnt be telling her how she was feeling, etc. When she called me she was angry, and eyes glazed and distant.
The next days she seemed happy on instagram stories.
I was devastated. I started to realize she was an FA after reaching these forums and some youtube videos.
I went no contact. She wrote me one week later because I had some things at my place she wanted back.
I was very cold. I just told her to speak in person next time she would come to my city. Her answer: “Its going to hurt but ok. I hope this is not to tell me that I have problems or that I always mess everything”
And she then asked me how was I doing and of course I lied to her. I think she was very anxious around that time, finding excuses around the delivery of her stuff just to reach out to me, because she had heard I was devastated. After my cold responses, she directly asked me how I was feeling, again, cold distant response from me, after 24h.
2 days later, she wrote me that she found some other girl’s underwear that didnt belong to her on the stuff I returned her. She brought that forgotten thong inside an extra pocket on the luggage and I thought it was either hers, or belonging to some other friends that used her suitcase before. She thought I was trying to manipulate her or whatever. I denied it telling her this wasnt my way of acting, and that the last thing I would try was to hurt her.
She immediatelly called me via Facetime, and I saw her happy to see me. We had a good laugh and she told me she was having an emotional void and loads of self doubts regarding her corporate job, and that her brother was dissapeared and that all the family was really stressed. She cried a bit. Just to make her feel better, I told her that feelings are just temporary, to hold strong, that I loved her (ouch) and the many other people loves her too. She was so glad to see me. Her face was my girlfriends face, not the distant bad bitch face. She told me that she also loved me and we ended the conversation there.
3 days later I called her. She was dettached again, even more worried about his brother.
I asked her to come back with me, and she told me that I should move on, but me being super romantic in this conversation, I kinda felt that she was giving up her “Im alone with my problems” to begin to understand that Im not giving up, that I want to fight for her. She was smilling when we hanged up. She told me she already knows she is FA, and that at the beginning she was super into me, but started to realize that some things didnt match with her (small stuff, like me not letting her drive my car). She told me she loves me, and she does miss me, but not as a boyfriend because very small details – (this is really small stuff).
I finished sending her a cute picture of us and she just answered: I want you to be ok.
I know her mother and friends probably have supported me in the first place. Since her mother told her after meeting me that I seemed like the kind of mature man that could make any woman happy.
Next day I was out of my mind and wrote her an email asking my stuff back from her place.
She inmediately answered me a whatsapp asking me If I was trying to punish her emotionally. I asked for forgiveness and told her I wanted to meet her in my city in 2 weeks time since she is visiting for work, and she said: Ok.
Now I have deleted her phone, her instagram and everything, but still I miss her very much and it hurts.
I see her on other peoples instagram stories, she seems super happy and I kinda feel that she is during this “party all the time period” to avoid her feelings, and that eventually will fade to her realizing she misses me when routine and everydaylife impacts her feelings again.
She was very emotionally dependant from me.
I want to give her time and space, to remember me as I was: his safe space.
She fell in love with me because of my emotional matureness and that is what is going to miss.
Now I dont know what to do if she writes me when she’s at my city.
Option A: Ignore her message. Be distant as f**k. Waiting for her to realize what she has lost.
Option B: Meet her, show myself dettached and secure and politely pretend I don’t love her or that Im moving on. But being physically present so that she can miss me again (this worked during the roadtrip comeback).
Sorry for the length of this text, its way shorter than my sufffering.
Hope you can answer, Zan.
Hi Hector.
This woman lacked the emotional strength to take care of her. That’s why she relied so hard on you in the beginning. But when the relationship progressed and got through the infatuation stage, she started to associate problems with you and detached. She felt that investing in you was hard with all her unresolved issues and emotions.
If she contacts you, be polite and concise. Make sure not to entertain her if she has no intention of coming back and working on herself. You basically need to go no contact. If you’re cold to her, she’ll miss you only until you stop doing that and want love from her again. Or she could just get angry.
Hang in there, Hector!
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you very much Zan.
You’re most welcome, Hector!
Kind regards,
Zan
My fearful avoidance broke up with me in discussion of the future. I initiated the conversation and told him that I wanna know if I’m in the picture of his future. He said he can’t envision a future in his head, with himself or with anyone. He thinks he doesn’t have his life together – financially, career wise and just in general he’s not content with himself. (Even though I told him I don’t really care about those stuff). He said he needs to be alone to figure himself out.
For context, we have been together for 4.5 years. I truly think we have both grown into better people together (he said it himself). We rarely had any arguments and life together has been so easy and comfortable. Even he said these four years have been so happy.
When we were 1.5 year into dating, we broke up for a week before he realised he made a mistake and came back to me. He broke up with me because he’s too anxious and in a bad mental state that he needed to be alone.
We have been living together and it’s been 2weeks since the breakup, I have told him that I am keeping distance with him whenever I can so I haven’t seen or talked to him much. but he will still initiate brief conversation with me when he knows I’m in the house.
Im moving out next week and I do think I need some time alone for myself too.
But I can’t help thinking if he will come back this time? Is this really it? The situation is kinda similar to last time? I value our connection so much since it’s majority of good times with so few bad notes.
Thoughts?
Also he said he doesn’t want to waste my entire 20s if we don’t end up being a thing. This confused me. Is he just anxious about the uncertainty or is this just his way to tell me he doesn’t love me ?
Hi Lu.
He’s dealing with some stressors, which have made him fall out of love. He doesn’t see a future because he’s not happy with where he is in life. His circumstances have affected his self-estem and pride, so he feels he can’t give you what you want until he gets what he wants.
I don’t know if he’ll come back, but I do know you can’t keep waiting for him. He should have dealt with his problems without falling out of love and pushing you away.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hello Zan,
I should have read this article before reaching out to my ex (if we can call him that). In the meantime I managed to get blocked, but maybe it was for the best since at the end he had reduced me to an anxious and obsessive mess. Tbh, I didn’t even know there was a name for his behavior but he checks a lot of boxes. I always felt like I was going crazy with him because he was hot and cold all the time, his words and his actions never matched. One moment he would tell me he was interested in me and the next that he was fed up with going out with me. His biggest complaint about me was that I kept him at a distance and I was cold, but in the end he was annoyed with me because I was too emotional. It was like I could never win, because whatever I did he would find a way to be bothered. I certainly made my share of mistakes, but I really felt on edge all the time with him.
We only went out for three months, so obviously there wasn’t a lot of attachment there, but at the start he seemed really taken with me. Then he started to write less, but he was still consistently texting and asking me out, so I let it slide. Especially since he was having problems at work and about his health, so I didn’t want to bother him too much.
Then he went on holiday and he totally disappeared. When I wrote to him to adress his disappearance he confessed he slept with another girl while he was there, because he was high on drugs. We saw each other in person to discuss the situation and he said that he has some psychological problems that cause him to sometimes act in this way. I was shocked, but I thought we were connecting on some deeper level, because I addressed his tendency to not answer to texts for days and my fear he wasn’t interested in me. He seemed really keen on solving this issue, he reassured me that he was interested in me and that he thought about me a lot, he wanted to know how he could make me feel more sure of this. He even told me he thought I was too good for him. I was clearly in my feelings, but I actually thought we could be okay. But at the end of the night we hadn’t decided anything about ending things or not.
The next day I was a mess and I think this is when I messed up. I needed reassurance from him and I asked if we could talk again to decide something. At first he was sweet, then he disappeared for a day and said to me to not be too much in my head about it. Okay, that triggered me, so I said that if he was so nonchalant about the entire situation he was making it very easy for me to decide to end things. He answered saying to me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue things with me because he felt he first had to resolve his issues and he couldn’t be in a relationship in the meantime, but that we could see each other to talk about it some more. It seemed fair.
The second time we saw each other was a shitshow. He repeated to me the entire speech about him having to take some time for himself and I was so bummed I basically told him “ok, it’s the smart choice”. At that point he started to get angry and complained about me. What emerged was this: basically he felt I was keeping him at a distance, he was getting tired of going out with me because he felt there was no real connection and that we always talked about superficial things. The complete switch from the last time we had talked, when he said he was interested and that he wanted to resolve things, took me by surprise and I was a little emotional there, telling him that I seemed distant because I didn’t want to cause problems or be a burden to him. At that poing he changed attitude again and started to be very nice, telling me that I shouldn’t make other people happy in spite of my needs, that I’m a person too and I exist. He even hugged me because I was near tears.
He also wanted to know what I wanted to do because according to him, the decision to end things was something we had to take together. So I said to him I still wanted to be with him. At that point he said he had to think again about the situation and he disappeared for five days.
I probably should have given him more time, but I already had an inkling he wasn’t going to change his mind. So I wrote to him and he confirmed to me that he still wanted to end things, he was just waiting to let me calm down. After that, we parted ways somewhat amicably.
During the first month I discovered that after two days of breaking up with me he was on Tinder, so all the things he said to me about needing time to be alone were clearly a lie. There was also this strange dynamic on Instagram in which he started to post stories like crazy (he never did before) and watched all of mines, so I guess I thought he wanted me to reach out. So, after a month I wrote to him on Whatsapp, we talked for a little bit and then he stopped writing to me altogether after asking me a question. He was still watching all my stories on Instagram and liking them though and that bothered me. So, I confronted him about all the lies and the hot and cold behavior. He answered that I was right about some things, but his excuse was that at the time “he was tired of the situation”. I don’t know, if he had admitted the things he did and apologized I would have been okay with it, but the fact that he did all of that just because he was tired and overwhelmed and thought he was justified in doing so really infuriated me. At that point I accused him of lying about the fact that he has psychological problems in order to dump me and he blocked me.
I know I should have been kinder and less emotional, but I was really going crazy there because I could never understand what he was thinking. He seemed constantly anxious about me not liking him, but then he also seemed bothered if I was too clingy. He was totally incapable of talking about feelings (at my question “are you even interested in me?” he answered with “yes, otherwise I wouldn’t hang out with you”). He complained about me being too distant, but then he became frustrated about me being too needy and trying to talk about things. He was nice on Whatsapp and then he ignored me. During the months we were together I could never talk about something that bothered me because he would stop texting me and I would have to write to him apologizing in order to get a response. Because of this I felt I could never say anything that could be perceived as a problem, but then he felt I was distant.
There was a part of me that knew I was supposed to be calm and collected in dealing with him, but sometimes I think that a relationship in which I was supposed to always repress my anger at being treated with no respect wasn’t a relationship at all. It is very hard not to get angry and confrontational when your needs are constantly overlooked and you can’t understand what the other person feels towards you.
The general consensus about FAs is that you shouldn’t get angry at them, you shouldn’t get emotional, you shouldn’t criticize them, you shouldn’t make them feel rejected, you shouldn’t get too clingy, but they do all of these and more, so how is it fair?
Hi Alice.
FAs expect you to understand their feelings but they don’t understand and respect yours. They only want what’s best for them. And what’s best for them is never good for you. The relationship with this person couldn’t work because you had different emotional needs. It worked only in the beginning because it required no effort.
Since his interest in you decreased over time, it’s evident he wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. He needed to work on his attachment before he could commit to you and give you what you needed.
I think you’ll soon realize he did you a favor and allowed you to be with someone who can invest in you and not call you too emotional. Guys who say such things don’t understand female emotions and get exhausted by them.
Best wishes,
Zan
Hello Zan,
This article you wrote had given me a lot of insight and I was wondering if you can advise on my situation please?
I was in a long distance relationship (I live in the uk and my ex lives in Dublin).
We met online in Jan 2023 and dated till end of April 2023.
He is currently planning to move to the uk when we met but needed sponsorship as he’s Greek and was having difficulty with this.
We both met in person once we met online as he was in the uk visiting his sister, we went on several dates for a week when he stayed here, and I visited him in Dublin on several occasions.
For the first 3 months everything was fine, not issues and the relationship was made exclusive after a month of dating. I’m an AP and since our breakup I’ve come to realise he’s an FA by reading up online about his behaviours forwards the end of our relationship.
The troubles started when I planned a trip to Paris. At the same time he was under pressure trying to decide to go home to Greece, come to paris with myself and my friend, or go to Zurich ti see friends. I told me he really wanted to come to Paris but couldn’t decide out of all the trips on which one to go to. Also during this time he never wanted to call me on the phone as I was always the one who called him, he even said you can call me anytime. My AP behaviour kicked in and I become insecure as I could sense something was off with him.
Anyways, he decided to go to Greece to se family and friends for 2 weeks in April, and not come to paris with me and my friend even tho he left me hanging for weeks about his decision.
He flew to Greece from Dublin the day after I stayed with him in Dublin for 3 days, when I arrived there he was quiet and seemed like something was on his mind but I couldn’t understand what was wrong, he kept saying he felt sick and nothing was wrong, this was as soon as I arrived, after a while he became normal, we spent time together going out for dinner and went the cinema (he seemed off again during this moment). When I left he seemed sad to see me go and told me he didn’t want me to leave. He then flew to Greece the next day and said he’d call me when he was there but never did, and I pulled him up on it. He was however regularly txting me but I couldn’t understand why he never calls.
I became a little distant with him (protest behaviour) in my responses but nothing like I was causing any problems or making a big deal out of him not calling me. Towards the end of his first week away he asked if we could have space, but I could still txt him, I said I won’t txt as that’s not giving him space.
We didn’t speak for a week and he told me he was going to spend his 2nd week in Greece ti stay with friends, during the 2nd week we didn’t talk for 7 days but I noticed on his sisters Instagram that she was in Paris with his sister as she posted his name and said in Paris with xxx (his name) I could even see his leg and coat off the side of the story.
He returned back to Dublin after the 2nd week of his trip and I reached out and said do you want to talk, he said he would let me know when as he was busy at work. Eventually after him being back for a day he called me. We spoke about his trip and I made a conscious effort to ask about his 2nd week trip and he said he had a good times with friends in Greece, he never admitted once he was in paris, i even asked did his sister go to Paris in the end as he told me he was going to join her before he went away. Basically he lied to me.
He told me on the call that he was sorry he asked for space and said he didn’t want to loose me, at this time I said I needed space because I couldn’t understand why he lied but was too afraid to ask him outright. We ended the call and I said don’t worry I just need some time to figure things out, the next day was when I went on my trip to Paris.
I told my friend about the call as she knew that I knew about him lying about paris and she said you can’t move forward unless he tells the truth. So I txt him about 30 mins after our call and said I had an Intuition he went to Paris and that I would t be mad if he did, he was defensive in his response and asked where did that come from. I said I didn’t mind that if he went it wouldn’t be a problem but I can’t move forward unless he tells the truth as being truthful is important to me in a relationship.
He told me his sister FaceTimed him whilst she was there and they were talking about me. This was far from true as it was obvious from her story she was there with him.
The next day I left for paris and he sent me a long txt saying he thinks it’s best we break up as it’s not working and that he hopes I met someone who can make him happy, it came to a complete shock as the day before he told me he didn’t want to loose me.
I replied saying if that’s how he feels there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. When I returned from my trip of 4 days in Paris (which was ruined) I txt him to tell him that I was removing him from my instagram as I didn’t want to see his account and that I needed to move on as I was so confused and he didn’t do contact me once whilst I was away.
He said he understood and to take care of myself, which felt so Insensitive. I went no contact for 3 weeks as he didn’t contact me once.
I asked how he was doing and that indeed fine to process everything. We didn’t speak about the relationship and over a course of a few days here and there I would check in to see how he was doing and what he’d be up to. He responded really quickly to all my txts but seemed cold and distant.
After a few more days I asked how he was dealing with the breakup and if he still had feelings, of which he said he was busy seeing friends (he never went out with friends as he said he doesn’t trust anyone, and I used to encourage him too) and that he still had feelings and said he couldn’t just turn them off as he needed that time.
I told him I still had feelings and would this be something we could work on. He replied he never considered it and said it was a surprise I asked (probably cause he lied to me but it wasn’t a big deal). He said can he let me know, and I waited to the next day for him to txt and say he had time during the 3 weeks of no contact and said he believes we get along well but he’s rather a friendly relationship and not a romantic relationship, and that he thinks I’m a great guy but he needs to work on himself and it wouldn’t be fair to him nor me if we got back together and that he doesn’t want to cut ties and wants to be friends.
I responded but didn’t agree to friendship and said I think that he does need to work on himself and there is nothing wrong with that. He replied saying thank you, I do care for you and I’m here for you. I replied saying I care for you too and you can reach out to me from time to time, he didn’t reply after that.
It’s been 10 days no contact and I have no dues what to do next. Do I stay in no contact, or do I work on a friendship with him:
I do believe he has issues he needs to work on and is displaying typical FA traits.
Your help would be greatly appreciated on what I should to next.
Hi Russel.
FA or not, he associates negative things with you and fell out of love with you. This is something a person who doesn’t like you does. He thinks he’s incompatible with you and detaches from you. The guy you were with lost feelings very quickly. He started acting weird a few month in when he stopped feeling infatuated. Therefore, what you had was a short-term relationship that lacked love. You may have been attached, but he wasn’t because he couldn’t bond with you. Not in ways he wanted you.
He had lot of doubts he couldn’t work through. As a result, he became distant and left when he got a chance to do so.
All I can say is to stay away from him and lose hope. He wants you to find someone else, which means he’s not thinking about getting back together. You can do better.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
This article has given me so much clarity to things about my ex. I’m wondering if you could give me some advice.
I met him over a year ago (Jan 2022) and we quickly became friends. We spent a lot of time together as friends and could talk about anything and everything it felt like. I had never felt so perfectly matched with someone. He was recently out of a relationship (bad decision to get involved with that, I know) and eventually after a few weeks we became more serious. He met many of my friends, told his family about me, and expressed a ton of interest in wanting a future with me. He talked about it all of the time. He did also however tell me he was scared, he said I made him feel and act in ways he never had wanted to be for a girl before. One day he came over to hang out and we had a nice time together, and then suddenly something changed. The next few days he was very distant and then told me he needed space to think but still wanted to keep talking.
A couple of weeks later I found out he was now back together with his ex. I was heartbroken, but I didn’t get involved again and did not contact him. However, we went to the same university and saw each other almost every day due to our schedules. We never spoke and he did not acknowledge me. Most times if I walked in the room he quickly gathered his things and left. He told my friends he felt terrible and was very confused but he had to let me go. He felt bad about things with his ex too and wanted to give it another shot. After I left University I never saw him again and we didn’t speak (his gf did not allow him to speak to me either).
In the fall of 2022, almost 6 months without speaking to each other, I found out through mutual friends he had serious health issues and fell into some addictions. He had an emergency situation and after hearing about this I reached out to him to ask how he was doing. He responded and told me he was okay and thanked me for reaching out. We briefly texted, then stopped.
Fast forward 5 months, to April of this year, he saw my friend and asked her if they could talk. He expressed to her how sorry he was for how things went we me, he had now been single for a couple of months and was wanting to reach out to me to talk. He asked her if I would be open to it, and she said he should try. He then texted me but didn’t say much, just another brief conversation. At the end of April we accidentally ran into eachother at another friends house, we were cordial and he acted very nice to me. He smiled a lot and tried to make conversation with me. We joked around with each other, it was fun. And it made me miss him again. 2 weeks later he texted me and said it was nice to see me. I texted him back and said it was nice to see him also. We continued to talk, he asked me about a recent trip I went on and asked if I had any photos and other question, he was very engaged in the conversation. Another week later I was going to be in his hometown, and I felt we were on good terms so I decided to ask if he wanted to meet up— just to see what he’d say.
He responded very enthusiastically and said yes. He also asked me if I wanted to go out to eat together so we could catch up in person, I said sure. The day came and on short notice he canceled saying that he had gotten caught up and distracted and wasn’t going to come. I told him I didn’t need any excuses and he could have said no if he didn’t want to come. He then responded and said he was so sorry and apologized. I didn’t respond to that message for over a week and then decided to reply and simply told him I hope he’d have a nice summer. He said thank you and the same to me.
I’m just not sure what to think, I go through phases of missing him, and I don’t know why when it’s been so long and it was such a short relationship. I constantly think of how much I wished it had worked between us because he seemed like my other half when we were together. Seeing him again a couple of months ago made me realize I still have feelings for him. I haven’t stopped trying to date other guys, no one has worked out yet. But I just don’t know if I should give up on him completely and never respond again, or maybe he is a FA and just needs time and I need to be patient. Can you help me understand his behavior??
Hi Tina.
I’m not sure why he didn’t go through with the plan of seeing you. It’s possible his ex came back into the picture and he wanted to give her yet another chance. Or perhaps he met someone else and wanted to get to know her more. Whatever the case may be, you need to stop talking to the guy. Remember that he left and that he’ll come back if he discern your worth and craves your affection.
The guy needs much more than time. He needs to realize he still has feelings for you and that he’ll never be happy with his ex. When he thinks that way, he’ll put the necessary work in. Until then, do what makes you happy, Tina.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I honestly really appreciate your article and feel like I have a lot more clarity over my situation now. I wanted to share my experience as well in hopes that you or other readers have some advice for me.
My ex left me 2 weeks ago and after doing lots of research, I now believe he is a Fearful Avoidant. We were together for almost 2 years and lived together for over a year. I had my own flat and he slowly moved in with me and eventually started paying rent too. I think we had an amazing relationship, even though we didn’t always see eye to eye on some matters, which I thought was quite normal.
We were supposed to officially move in together into a new and bigger place this summer, which is something we’ve been discussing for a year. We went to a few viewings and even placed an offer that didn’t go through, and that same day he told me he wanted to break up with me and not move in together. He said we are just too different and doesn’t see himself being with me long-term (anymore). Yesterday, he took all his stuff as he moved out and we talked a bit about everything. He was very emotional and kept saying he loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone else before, and that it will be extremely hard for him to process this. He has been struggling with addiction in the past and very low self esteem, but has been sober for the last 2 months and also going to therapy. He said it would probably be best to go no contact for the foreseeable future, which I’m happy to do in order to give him space.
I’m definitely going to focus on myself for now as I think this will be a good opportunity for me to regain my independence. He was such a huge part of my life that it just feels so surreal not seeing him every day or hanging out with his family at the weekends. I still feel like I have so much love for him and nothing to channel all these feelings into. He left one of his favourite coats in my flat, so I was wondering if I should message him in a couple of months asking if he would like it back?
Hi Sarah.
Your ex has some issues to resolve. I don’t know if he’ll come back after he’s done that, but you must stay in no contact indefinitely. Due to poor relationship mentality, the guy became doubtful and fell out of love. You can’t stay hopeful about someone like that. You must focus on detachment intead, so that you can slowly get yourself back.
You can mesage him about his belongings now. The sooner the better. If I were you, I’d have his friend or family communicate for you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Me and my ex (Long distance relation)- we met as she was my sister’s friend and stayed with us. She told me in the beginning she is not looking for anything serious i said okay. Me neither. later on she is the one who asked me “will you marry me” and sharing dreams about how she wants to have kids with me family etc. we spoke for hours everyday had strong connection. Soon with time it started to decrease; back then i didnt know about attachment styles; so ofc being secure not knowing whats happening i wud ask her hey we are not communicating as much, are we okay etc.?
She would label me needy but from my perspective i had expectations of what “she was the one who set them” in the relation. it was by last month i learned about she is FA etc and i started to give her space. I told her i am lookin into and learning attachment theories etc so i can better understand these things as they are new to me.
Last (not so deep) conversation we had was i asked her- do you still feel same about me? she said i dont know. I asked do you have any unmet needs, do you think i can do anything to make our relation better- she said i dont know this is too awkward for me i dont wanna talk about it. I asked okay so if i asked you do you still love me? would you say you dont know? – she said ofc i love you! that was is.
2 weeks ago we had good convo on skype she was redecorating her house doin all the stuff and talking to me laughing. but then she started ghosting me literally next day. I thought thats fine its just her pull phase. so i would send her a message every other day that said- hope you doing fine, in case i dont talk to you today- i love you. see you.
until it reached 2 week ghosting period. then i texted her hey- “I respect your need for space and i want to give you all of it but an FYI the ghosting part is “hurtful””. She responded with “I want to apologize for not responging your text but also thank you for the gifts they were great! – I use to sent her meaningful gifts every month with note on them. These would be take aways from our conversations- i would pick up a minute thing even that she’d say- buy something for her and send it with nice note”
7 days after that text she said-
” i need to be honest with you.
after taking time to myself, i’ve been thinking a lot about my future regarding you, and i feel like i can’t see us being together realistically. i don’t want to lead you on any further. it did take me some time to come to this understanding and while i do not wish to be separated from you as friends, i will leave the decision up to you. and we can talk further about this if you would like to, i just had to tell you what i have been thinking.”
I asked if there is anything i can do to fix it lets talk, if you have any fear or uncertainity lets talk about it etc. she said:-
“i don’t have any fears or uncertainties going on right now. i cannot quite pinpoint why i feel the way i do, but i know what i feel is certain. i cannot see us having a future together. i also feel like this is not something you can fight for.”
I asked okay..well take time and give me you final decision she said ” that is my “final verdict.” i do think that there would be a clash with our personalities, i cannot see us being together realistically, and i just don’t think i would be happy.”
i responded with- “I am sorry i couldnt fufil or meet all your needs / requirements in the relation. I genuinely tried to do the best i could have. I dont want anything more than your happiness.
As for your question of being friends, you can 100% reach out in the time of the needs, i still love and care about you but i cant stay connected for daily basis, it would break me inside to see you live those dreams with other person which were shown to me.
I wish you the best. Don’t settle down when it comes to your final partner, please find someone who would love you unconditionally as well or it wud just be unfair.
“In past you told me you were feeling apologetic in that on how you made your exes feel over certain things… Idk what they told you or said to you but dont blame on urself like that.. You didnt chose your attachment style you had to develop it as a cope and if they failed to understand or look into that to understand you better, its on them not you.”
After breakups either her exes bad mouthed her, told her she was terrible person or went creeeepingly obsessed and keep texting her all the time with different numbers.
I had one vulnerable moment at 3 am day before yesterday- where i told her m having anxiety and trust issues as atleast tell me where i went wrong. I was told u wanna marry me, u love me first and shown all these dreams, and i actively worked towards us and then this happened.
What do you think is happening? and what are the chances she might come back?
I have been really supportive of her, i use to help with her HW, talk to her through her anxiety, when i stayed with her in her house (my vacation, she was working) i would clean everything before she wud come back- she even told me once “noone has ever dont this for me and its makin me feel weird m not use to it (in good way)”
Keep in mind other than my anxious moments when i didnt know about FAs, i really never gave her any reason to be mad at me or argument or etc and done best to be there for her- so no bad memory she can blame things on other than my anxious moments in which all i said was i feel like we are losing bonding time lets talk about it.
Hi Bonie.
Your ex thought negative thoughts, so she associated negativity with you and lost feelings for you. She had plenty of time to fall back in love with you, but instead, she ignored the need to think positively and allowed herself to lose faith in the relationship.
Now that the breakup happened, you should stop talking to her. She won’t come back any time soon (or ever – sorry for being so frank) as she was into you only for a while. The moment she stopped being infatuated, she became doubtful and called it quits.
I wish you a speedy recovery!
Best regards,
Zan
My FA ex and I have been broken up for about 6 months. He’d said he was afraid he should have had more feelings than he did at that point and thought that he couldn’t get any stronger romantic attraction. He clearly cares about me and recently after I reached out and we met up, he mentioned wanting to get together again. Last we spoke directly about it (during the breakup) he said he wanted to see if he could be just friends with me or if his feelings would stick around. I told him this week that I still have feelings for him, just so he knew. He deflected and we continued the conversation.
He started some therapy during our time apart and I’ve been working on myself. He sadly didn’t find a good fit of a therapist yet, so he hasn’t done in depth work that he needs, but he wants to be better. I don’t know if I’m doing things right or if I’m just setting myself up for more pain. I love him and know we had a great foundation before he decided to self sabotage a good thing. Any advice?
Hi Gina.
My advice is to keep your distance. It’s unlikely that he’ll discover your worth while you’re around. He’ll probably just confuse you and string you along. The guy has some serious matters to resolve. Don’t think that he’ll resolve them while you’re still available to him. It’s good that he’s getting therapy, but therapy takes time.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there, nice topic. I always thought I was the problem because I never made it official with her. But now I read al this about FA I see many signs. Long story summarized:
I (24) dated her (22) for more then a year. At the beginning I made clear I wasn’t looking for a relationship. She understand and things went well. After 2 months dating we became loyal to eachother and dated 2 times a week, acting like a couple. After 5 months she said she missed doing things outside, like going to a movie, for dinner or visiting a Zoo. She said she was afraid to ask bc in her past boys only used her for sex and then dumped her. Ofc I liked it and we made many memories. 10 Months together I said to myself I will try to make it official after our vacations. When I left she showed jealousy, I calmed her and said not to worry. When I came back she was happy to see me but also a little different. She had an sexual issiue that became worse and it annoyed her. She said she will look for help. She also said that she missed something and felt confused about our “situationship”. We talked and she acted normal again so I let it go. This month was also the month where I started to show real feelings, like holding hands, kissing in public and things like that.
1 Month later she would visit me to visit a restaurant and stayed the night, she even canceled work for it and was looking forward to it. That night before, everything changed; she texted me in the morning that we need to talk, she had kissed someone else on a party and felt really bad. I was very mad and shocked, told her its over. She understand, felt really bad about it and gave me my space. Week later I texted her. She explained how hard it was that we never became official and she always was afraid I could do the same. I made clear that I understand it and even I was dissapointed, I still wanna go for it now. She was confused and didn’t know what to say. She needs time to think. Later she said, she thinks her feelings had become less. We talked in person and it was the most emotional night I ever had experienced w a girl. She cried for hours and was so confused. We hugged, kissed and I calmed her. The next day she said she wanna go for it. Things went well for 2 weeks, then I became needy. My secure as had changed in a anxious one. She said she couldn’t give me what I deserve and had to work on herself. She really wanted the RS but she can’t do it. She hoped that if we let eachother go we find our way back. She kept snapchatting me then for 2 weeks until I said I couldn’t do this anymore. She was shocked and was afraid to lose me, I offered to give eachother space. It was hard for her but she agreed so she can also see how life is without me. 3 weeks later she texted me on my bday. She said she felt the same and thinks its better to leave it as it was. Maybe she wants to talk later.
3.5W later I texted her, asking how things are going and if she is open to talk. She was very kind and explained everything she felt. Even it was for her the right decision, she said I was very special and the reason why it took her so long to cut things off was because she really hoped her feelings would come back. She said again that the bad past w boys had a bad impact on her and I was the first one who showed her how it also can be. At the beginning she had hope for the RS, but bc I had made clear I didn’t want it she protected herself and closed herself for feelings. While she still cared about me she stays by her decision. After asking, she also said she recently met someone else who is serious with her (open for a future). Its just a few weeks and she made clear that it was after we finally broke.
It looks like the moment I showed real signs to commit, she was shocked and things became worse. I really missed her but I don’t think I can do anything anymore about it. Hope you can give me some direction.
Hi Philipp.
The fate of your relationship was decided by her previous relationships. She felt used by the other guys, so she expected the same from you. What worries me is that it took you 10 months to commit to her. That’s a really long time. She didn’t know where she stood with you, so she probably started looking for love, security, and a future elsewhere. Eventually, she found these things and betrayed you despite not being officially together.
When you got anxious, she was already gone. There was nothing you could do to make her feel love for you again. Now, you must go no contact and leave her alone. She clearly lost feelings and may even be interested in dating someone else. I can’t say for sure, but if she was worried the relationship had no direction, she should have talked to you about it and told you how she felt about it. Cheating on you was obviously an immoral thing to do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
Dated who I believe is an FA for 2 months but we knew each other for 5 1/2 months. In the beginning he was very anxious and disclosed to me that I was the love of his life and that he wanted to be with me forever. He told his family about me and co-workers. Towards the end, he ended up having some personal issues and shut me out 1 day after telling me that he loved me. I reached out to him 3 times that week and he was very cold so I stopped contacting him and we didn’t speak for 1 week. When I reached out to him, he broke up with me saying that he put his heart on the side and used his brain to make the decision. He told me that he would come back to me after he made more money and I worked on my religious values. I responded with an angry text to which he did not respond back to. 1 Month later he blocked me on Instagram out of the blue. Fast forward 2 months and he enters into a relationship with another girl but they mutually ended it after 3 weeks. Shortly after, I saw him in public and he explained to mutual friends that he wanted to reach out to me but assumed I wanted nothing to do with him after reading my last message to him. He is now on dating apps and even tried to go on a date with a mutual friend of his family’s that he had said he had no interest in previously. Mutual friends brought me up to him and he said he didn’t want to be with me because of certain traits about my family that he didn’t like and some issues that we have that will bring him more stress but that he had no issues with me at all. He also explained that to him he gave no chance of reconciliation in the breakup message (even our mutual friends told him that he did by saying he’d be back once we were both sorted out). I’m not sure if he’s actually over me or still angry since I haven’t reached out to him since and have given him no attention. I guess I am also just confused because he still has our texts saved as well as my number as a contact in his phone. I’m having a hard time moving forward as I truly did love him and just want to know what you think the chances are of him coming back considering the fact that he wanted to reach out to me even after he had broken up with me due to my religiosity and familial issues.
Thanks,
Zee
Hi Zee.
You dated a typical all-talk and no-action guy. He promised to love you forever, but that’s because he felt good at that particular time. The moment he stopped being infatuated with you, he showed his true colors and lost interest. I think he’ll have a lot of issues dating other women due to his FA issues.
I know it’s hard, but try to see this guy for who he is. When you do, you’ll detach and be glad he’s out of your life.
Sincerely,
Zan
My wife of 3 years left me for her affair partner and started living with him right away the same day we broke up. We have a 2 year old child together. She admitted to cheating with him multiple times. I actually told her i would forgive the infidelity and go to counseling. during counseling she told the counselor she doesnt want to try anymore with this relationship. She triggered my anxious side when i found out she was seeing this person behind my back. I want her back but she is still in her rebound relationship. Since the breakup she would see me and tell me she misses me in person and over the phone. She started flirting with me at times and when i would flirt back and follow her lead thinking it was sexual she pulls back hard. We are 3 weeks away from the divorce being final and I am confused by her hot and cold actions. Everytime she gets close and pulls back it triggers me and my feelings for her comes up. any suggestions? She calls to ask about my son but then get into small talk and i dont want to be her friend,
Hi Andre.
I suggest that you pull away from your wife. She’s dating the new guy and doesn’t want to give marriage a serious try. From what I see, she’s acting on her emotions and hormones and will keep confusing you if you let her. So if I may suggest, talk to her only about your son as she’s no longer on your team.
Kind regards,
Zan
Do you say this to Andre as the best plan to move forward if he wants to be back with his ex wife or just the best plan for ever because he needs to accept that his wife is gone and will not come back?
Hi Will.
It’s the best plan reconciliation-wise and emotionally.
Best,
Zan
My FA of 5 years long term rebound 2 months later after breakup. She start to text and calling me showing that she cared about me and she missed my daughter. she became friends with my friends and visit the places I frequent. She looked for a way to chase her. everything has been very confusing. she unblocked me from instagram and liked my photo. I invited her out on her birthday and she said no. Then I asked her about his current partner and told me that it was not official . She was meeting a lot of people and having sex. She said that only remembered the negative more than the positive of our relationship. This last month I have not shown more attention and she stopped writing to me.
her parents are narcissists and controlled her.
I am exhausted
Hi Steve.
You need to stay away from her as she’s behaving in an uncontrolled way. She’s clearly elated and relieved from the breakup and wants to be left alone. You need to give her the space she needs or she’ll feel smothered.
Best,
Zan
I dated a fearful-avoidant for the past 3 weeks. I am a FA myself, so I could recognize his patterns when he started to pull away, but not yet on the last date and now he told me that he doesn’t want to continue dating because he’s moving to another city. He literally decided that on the day after out last date. I could see he acted distant on that one, throwing all kinds of things at me why he isn’t a good match like he was afraid he didn’t smell as good as he thought I did, he said he wasn’t in a kissing mood, he felt insecure because of his swollen eyelid and I just kept on reassuring him and showing affection and I think that totally freaked him out. It’s not 100% sure that he really will move because he actually wants to stay in my city to study here. We have ended things in a nice manner, and actually continued texting a bit, but since yesterday I stopped replying.
I know it’s been a short dating period, but I have never met someone I have so many things in common with. I do believe that we are actually a very good match. In my own FA matter, I started to get afraid but I have been working a lot on my attachment issues and made progress.
My plan is to stay in no contact and to continue dating other guys, but from my own experience with other FA’s I dated and when I am myself was in an avoidant state, I do think he will reach out again, especially because he’s very anxious. I personally would really like to tell him about the attachment style. I am very sure he doesn’t know about it and literally my whole life changed when I learned about it and connected the dots. What would you recommend doing? When is the best time to tell him about it (obviously he needs to reach out first)? Do you have any advice on not texting him. I still can see myself checking if he’s online.
Another thing I am curious about: he obviously unmatched me on tinder, but he kept me on whatsapp, but he removed his profile picture. Why would he do that? To make him invisible for me? So that I forget him faster?
Really random question, but do you live in Lincoln, UK?
Hi Tina.
You bonded very well, but there’s nothing you can do about a guy who actively convinces himself that you’re not a good match. Even if you tell him about his attachment style, he still won’t listen to your reasoning.
I recommend that you stay in no contact and wait for him to return if he wants to. He’ll message you if he changes his mind. The guy unmatched you on Tinder so he wouldn’t be reminded of you or so you couldn’t see what he’s up to.
Kind regards,
Zan
I think my ex and I are both FA’s. He was anxious at the start of our relationship, but it was all good. He told me we would be together for a long time and insinuated that we’d have a family and all of that fun stuff–then randomly out of the blue on a random Tuesday he dumped me after I was showing some anxious behavior–I was just wanting some reassurance, but I wasn’t acting crazy or anything. He told me that I was the “perfect package” and he didn’t know why he no longer randomly didn’t feel attracted to me.
I didn’t cry and accepted the breakup and rejected his offer to be friends–I was in a relationship with a DA before him so I know how to reattract avoidants…However my lack of emotion and rejection of friendship caused him to tell everyone that our breakup was “mutual”…and that there is no hope for us to get back together because I don’t want to be friends. Then he started deleting our pictures on Facebook and looks like he started talking to other girls.
I have been such an emotional wreck that I stopped eating and lost 15 lbs in one month and my overall health was really declining. After 2 months of NC I finally decided to block him so that I could at least improve my mental and physical well being. I wanted to get back together and work it out, our relationship was a happy one before this, I just wanted him to want it as badly as I did…but I guess…I messed it up?
Hi Sarah.
You didn’t mess anything up. If he thinks the breakup was mutual, that’s not such a bad thing. It means he didn’t lose respect for you and didn’t feel suffocated by you. Stay in no contact and let him reach out if he wants to.
Stay strong, Sarah!
Zan
What is the best way to invite your FA ex to start learning about his own attachment style in the hopes of a reconciliation? I’m in the no contact period. Let’s say he reaches out in some way – would it be productive then to send him resources about attachment styles and say something like this has helped me a lot in my journey of understanding what happened and become more secure as a person?
Hi Cindy.
Normally, it’s not a good idea to send your ex things to learn about himself. It’s best for him to find the motivation as well as the material himself. You can do it much later if the two of you become friends or something. Just keep in mind that it won’t necessarily help him much.
Best regards,
Zan
I was dumped by my gf of 22 years 15 months ago. I am 21 years older than her. I’m 67 now. I was dumped over some intimate photos of us that got revealed after I allowed someone to use my computer. I thought I deleted them years earlier. I found them in an unmarked folder after doing a history search on my computer. I don’t know if my gf was an avoidant or is a narcissist or a Borderline (which is similar in some ways). The first 11 or 12 months after she ghosted me, I tried very hard to get her to talk to me but it just got her more and more angrier at me. The first 3 months after dumping and ghosting me, she finally blocked me on her cell phone, all social media and when my cat sat on my computer keyboard and accidently pushed connect to one of her friends after a friend suggestion popped on my screen, she had her friend block me too after her friend told her I sent a friend request to her. It’s been 3 months now since I tried to get her to talk to me and I still have one more way to contact her that she doesn’t know about but I finally decided to give her space and leave her alone. I thank my lucky stars that she didn’t put out a restraining order on me because I certainly deserved it. I love her very much and can’t understand how she can throw away 21 years of our history so easily, simply over night. And without any feelings whats so ever. Anyway I will not bother her again and I will move on with my life. I’m self employed and have been for 30 years, HVAC. I’ve started taking Spanish classes to help me communicate better with my few Spanish customers and recently bought a Violin. I’ve been wanting to learn violin for years and what better way to move on from my ex gf than to concentrate on learning to play this musical instrument. I’m told it takes 7 to 10 years to get good at playing it but it’s a hobby I’m going to enjoy playing if I live another 10 years.
Hi Willie.
Pulling away was hard, but badly needed. Your ex needs to go through a certain post-breakup process just like you. And you mustn’t make it hard for her just because you’re in pain. Remember that you tried fixing things but couldn’t because she convinced herself the relationship was bad for her.
Hang in there, Willie!
Zan
My FA ex broke up with me after an intense year of dating, having been friends for 15+ years beforehand. Our relationship was great until she started to talk about the long term future and scared herself in the process, leading to a downward spiral of pushing me away – a repeated pattern throughout her life. She started therapy shortly before we broke up, but it was too little too late.
She broke up with me 4 months ago, I went indefinite no contact almost straight away and haven’t heard anything from her since. I’m sure, due to the length of our history together, she’ll be in touch eventually in some form, though I suspect it’ll most likely be just an attempt to rekindle friendship only. If she does get in touch and suggests meeting up, what should I say? I’m not interested in meeting up if it’s just to catch up and be friends, but I know that she’s not likely to be vulnerable straight away if I ask why she wants to meet up even if it’s more than that.
Hi Simona.
If your ex wants to meet up as friends, you can politely reject the invitation. Say you’re not ready to meet up and that you wish her the best of luck. You’ll know she wants you back romantically when she insists on seeing you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Is it even worth trying to get a fearful avoidant back unless they’re prepared to do a massive amount of work on themself and their attachment style? An avoidant can’t function in a healthy, happy relationship unless they’re willing to acknowledge their issues and sincerely want to open up and share a relationship with someone. I’ve been in a relationship with one. It’s a losing proposition
Hi Doug.
I don’t think it’s worth it. Not unless the avoidant learns why he is the way he is and does something about it. The problem is that most of the time, he doesn’t even know he has things to work on.
Best,
Zan
How do breakup rules affect Getting your fearful avoidant back? If you broke ever rule in the book and in turn ended on bad terms are you out of luck? It went from her wanting to get serious to not wanting a relationship after a one month break which is extremely fast. We were dating long distance for a year. Then in one week she showed neediness then I reciprocated and she went distant. I confronted her about the distance and carelessness and that’s when I was rejected, breakup rule mistakes followed, she just went quiet, ignored played victim just said whatever she could to get away. I’ve always been very easy going in this relationship but she was always creating waves. Then would get in her head about things and overthink and wouldn’t tell me how she felt until it was right for her but by that time her opinion was so filtered and screwed up that she believe what she was manufacturing and I would be caught off guard by her emotional distancing and her thoughts/opinions. Her words and actions wouldn’t match what she was feeling which to me just looked dishonest. Very confusing. Get on her good side and it’s amazing but the bad side is cold, distant and heartless. Thoughts?
She sounds like a classic fearful avoidant. You can start today with making no more break up mistakes. If she does come back, you might give her some videos and articles about Fearful Avoidants. I didn’t realize my pattern until I started to read about it. Now that I can recognize the pattern, I’m able to make better decisions and behave more consistently.
Thanks for your reply Kathy. That’s a good idea. We ended things on bad terms (her idea after I was relentless is understanding why she was acting the way she was) so the ball is in her court. It’s been a little over 6 months of no contact since I last reached out. I told her I was over it because she only then clearly told me that she wanted no contact. Told her I tried and bye.
I was a confused mess so I said things I wish I didn’t. I didn’t know how to talk to her, serious, jokingly, relaxed, honest. Never been so out of touch in my life when it comes to speaking to someone and attempting to patch things up. It’s hard to not take it to heart Bc you feel like you never had any value to them. Discarded.
Being some time has passed since I last reached out I’ve been on the fence about sending an apology for taking things too far emotionally. I put a lot of strain on her mental health during this rejection period. A part of me wants to send her an apology and another part of me says, don’t, she knows how I feel about her, it’s her move not mine.
What do you think? Is 6 months enough time and do apologies even help situations like this? At least open the door to communication and resolve. Idk.
Thanks
Hi Mike.
It seems that your ex felt about leaving the relationship at first. She must have felt guilty. But after coming back to work on it, she realized her feelings were gone and pulled away. By doing so, she protected herself and ended things for good.
When a person is hot and cold, she usually gives up in the end. She just can’t overcome the negative emotions and a lack of love and determination. There’s not much you can do about a person like that, Mike. You have to let her go and hope that she realizes why you were a good partner to her.
Stay strong,
Zan