If you’re a guy and your ex-girlfriend broke up with you, you should never tell your ex that you miss her and want her back.
You shouldn’t tell her that no matter how much you love her and how miserable you are without her.
The reason for that is that your ex doesn’t love you, and miss you enough to want to hear that you’re hung up on her.
Your ex doesn’t deserve it either!
She’s glad that her relationship with you has ended and that she can now do whatever she wants to do with her life.
She’d been craving freedom for quite some time, so give her some space and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.
This includes refraining from engaging in the following desperate acts:
- begging and pleading
- professing your feelings
- reasoning with her
- apologizing for your mistakes
- updating her on your life
- asking about your ex’s friends and family
- offering and asking for favors
As the cliché goes, the breakup happened for a reason.
You and your ex couldn’t or didn’t discuss important relationship matters when you had the chance to talk about them, so you split up as a result.
Due to an emotional mismatch, you went separate ways, so there’s nothing left for you to say to your ex.
Don’t tell your ex that you miss her as a person and that you often think about the way she’d made you feel.
Chances are that she’s currently in relief or elation stage of a breakup and that your confession will suffocate, anger, or disturb her.
It could even erase her bad conscience and allow her a clean start with someone else.
So whatever you do, don’t ever break the rules of no contact and reach out to your ex when you’re still getting over the emotional mess your ex left you in.
Don’t do it even if you see signs that your ex regrets dumping you.
Should I tell my ex I miss her?
Telling your ex that you miss her is wrong. But it’s not wrong just because it suffocates your ex and pushes her further away from you.
That’s the least of your worries as the dumpee.
Confessing to your ex is wrong because reaching out to your ex hurts you.
It raises your expectations and demands validation from your ex.
And when the positive response you’re looking for doesn’t come, you’re forced to face reality and suffer from a huge emotional setback.
Suddenly, you’re back to square one, lying in bed curled up in a ball, wondering when the pain will stop.
So if you’re still wondering, “Should I tell my ex that I miss her?” think about what your message will achieve.
Is your message coming from a broken-hearted, desperate place in your heart that will almost certainly smother your ex?
If so, don’t contact your ex because you have nothing to prove to your ex.
She probably isn’t sitting by the phone contacting you or contacting you frequently enough for you to make such a bold move.
What if my ex talks to me? Should I tell her I miss her?
When your ex broke up with you, she stripped you of your importance and took all the relationship power with her.
She basically terminated your relationship on her own terms and got rid of you in a quick and effective manner.
Maybe she said that she wants to stay friends and keep in touch. Or perhaps she told you that she’ll always love you and never move on without you.
But no matter what she said or did, the truth is that your ex doesn’t feel attracted to you and doesn’t want you to continue to love her.
As a matter of fact, she wants absolutely no affection from you.
She doesn’t want your promises, reminders, confessions, and especially you telling her that you miss her badly.
You need to understand that your ex had made a conscious rational and emotional decision to leave you.
She did this to chase after happiness without you so that she can eventually find it with a random guy.
So don’t obstruct her premeditated decision and keep in mind that any kind of “I miss you,” “Talk to me,” or “I love you,” will smother your ex beyond belief.
It will make her feel sick to the stomach that she can’t return your feelings and consequently, make her run away from you.
You may think that the years of fun and joy you’d experienced with your ex could help you with your breakup, but they likely won’t.
Unless your ex is suffering from the grass is greener syndrome, the past is completely irrelevant when it comes to reconciliation.
As the dumper, all your ex cares about are the issues in front of her. This includes her perception of you and the built-up anger or frustration.
Your ex doesn’t miss you
If your ex left you, she doesn’t miss you or want you around her. She’s perfectly happy being single or with someone else, so don’t ever text her and tell her that you miss her.
You’ll make her very unhappy if you do. And “unhappy” isn’t something you should go for.
Chances are that you’re facing many self-esteem difficulties already and that you don’t really want another rejection.
One was enough.
You should especially be wary of people giving you false hope and self-destructive advice.
They can be found all over the internet as they typically propose that you “act before it’s too late.” They usually push their services onto others by telling broken-hearted dumpees that their ex will find someone else and move on.
But what those people refuse to tell you is that your ex had already moved on long before you even questioned your ex’s loyalty.
She detached emotionally—otherwise, she wouldn’t even dream of leaving you behind.
Actions speak for themselves, so be cautious of the “get your ex-back” scams on the internet.
Here are a few types of scams you should avoid for your own good:
I know it may be difficult to hear, but due to your ex’s thinking patterns, you’ve become a burden to your ex’s happiness.
You’ve become a person to whom your ex associates negativity, so your only option is to let your ex cool off on her own.
Don’t intervene with her recovery process, thinking that she’ll move on if you don’t do something.
Now you know that she’d moved on already and that it can’t get any worse than it already is.
Not unless you contact your ex and reset your healing progress, of course.
So as hard as it may be, acknowledge that your ex is gone and that she isn’t worthy of your love and support anymore.
She doesn’t deserve your words of affection because she hasn’t done anything to earn them.
She’d broken your heart and left you in pieces. That’s it.
What does confessing to an ex do?
When you text your ex-girlfriend and tell her that you miss her, you do something unforgivable.
You ask her to give you the love and attention that she’d decided to keep to herself.
As a result, you trigger the absolute worst emotions in her and give her the power to treat you the way she treats people who are worthless to her.
Your desperate actions can basically cause your ex to ignore you, block you, or maker her get so angry that she verbally batters you to the ground.
There’s no telling how your ex-girlfriend will react when she feels smothered because every person reacts differently.
It really depends on her character and levels of personal strength and maturity.
For most dumpers, it’s nearly impossible to control themselves when their dumpee demands attention from them.
They feel too empowered by the decision they’d made and too smothered to be kind and forgiving toward their struggling ex-partner.
So if your ex doesn’t feel the same way about you, my personal advice is that you don’t give her the power to control your life.
Don’t tell her that you love her and need her in your life because it won’t give her the butterflies in her stomach.
That’s for lovers.
It will instead choke her by the neck and force her to retaliate the way she does when her freedom is jeopardized.
What do I do if I miss my ex?
Before you tell your ex that you’re missing her like crazy, breathe in deeply and take a pen and paper.
Write down everything you want to say to your ex. Put down your feelings, wants, and needs, ex[ectations, and everything that will make you happy.
Go all out. This is your chance to express all of your burning desires.
Doing this will help you feel a lot better because writing has a therapeutic effect.
It works similar to talking about your breakup to your friends and family, only that it doesn’t require a listener.
Writing a letter especially works if you don’t have anyone to confide in and/or you don’t want the people you know to know about your cravings.
So dedicate some time to writing and get the overwhelming desire to talk to your ex out of your system.
Chances are that you’ll feel much better and that you won’t even feel the need to talk to your ex after you’ve expressed yourself on a sheet of paper.
You’ll probably still want your ex back, but you won’t be tempted to break no contact.
You’ll feel strong enough to know your worth.
Just don’t send this letter to your ex because it will cause big issues. We’re talking about the kind of issues that will smother your ex and make her avoid you like the plague.
Instead of sending the letter, shred it to pieces and discard it.
And if the temptation to talk to your ex arises in the future, repeat the process. It works every time as long as you take the time to put your troubles in front of you.
When will I stop missing my ex?
You will stop missing your ex when you prioritize your well-being and start doing the right things.
When you no longer ask questions such as, “Should I tell my ex I miss her” and instead ask yourself, “What can I do to feel better,” is when you’ll stop missing your ex.
And that’s because missing your ex is an emotional response to your separation anxiety.
It becomes worse when you’re nostalgic and gets better when you focus on yourself and your ambitions.
So don’t let yourself wallow in despair and start enjoying your life once and for all.
Go out with your friends, sign up for old and new activities, and put your life back on track.
I guarantee that you’ll stop missing your ex when you truly start loving yourself.
Do you still want to tell your ex that you miss her? What are you doing to get over your ex right now? Comment below.
Before our divorce, my ex wife told me several times that she wanted to reconcile, only to change her mind a few days later and continue seeing her new boyfriend. After our divorce, she did it again several times. I recently texted her I miss her, to which there was no response. She has manipulated me and given me false hope too many times. I still love her as we were together 33 years, 26 of them being very good. And I do feel lost without her. But I know I have to move on. I just don’t know how.
Hi David.
She probably felt bad for leaving and branching to someone else. Maybe that relationship wasn’t great, so she couldn’t decide who to be with. Either way, you have to let go of her and stop her from giving you hope. Do that by staying in no contact and focusing yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
I broke the no contact rule. Today I texted her that “I forgive and forget of what she did to me, but I won’t forget the pain she gave to me. (that she broke up with me with another guy)” even though I still love her and I want her come back. Now I’m back to heal myself from zero and I knew the text I messaged her will make her don’t wanna comeback. I feel miserable and want to heal quick as soon as possible.
Hi Kaly.
Don’t worry about the slip-up. Just go back to no contact and keep healing. Your ex will get hit by karma when the time is right.
You probably won’t care anymore when she does.
Sincerely,
Zan
Guys, I feel very distressed and would like to vent to you, all right?
How to get over an ex?
Is it better to just try not to think about her?
Or ask her out and say “no”, to see if I wake up at once?
I tried in every possible way to forget about her: I put my feelings in writing, I got a new relationship – which didn’t work -, I threw away some things she gave me, I sent the rest to her, I deleted the photos, I stopped following on the networks social…
I’ve been trying to forget this person for two years, without success.
If you know what I’m talking about or have been through this, please, any help is welcome.
Because I’ve done everything and I’m starting to get desperate.
Sometimes I think if I talked to her and I got a “no,” it would take my hopes away and bring me back to reality, you know?
Any tips??
Thanks.
#forget it #forget it #superarumrelationship #depressed #depressed
Hi Lucas.
Talk to friends and sign up for therapy. What you need is a shoulder to lean on and a good distraction when you’re doing fine. Breakups take time, so keep going the way you have even if it seems like you’re stuck.
Kind regards,
Zan
Tell her that you hope to get back. If she rejected, take a break, move on.
Guys what should I do. My ex was the one to break things off and 5 months after the brake up she told me she loved me. The reason she broke things off was because I told her I loved her and she couldn’t reciprocate feelings and was afraid of commitment. She contacted me first and I responded appropriately and after that she kept texting me. She then told me that I was flustering her and that she was nervous of talking me. She then confessed her feelings told me she loved me and that she was an asshole for what happen. It came up to a surprised because the reason we broke up was that she could not tell me she loved me. I obviously love her and miss her but I don
t know what to do in this situation. I have thought of us possibly getting back together but I dont know if its the right call.Yes, please tell her soon! Cherish the moment together!!!
So from a different perspective, my “ex” is my “ex best friend”.
She’s much younger than I so having a real romantic/physical relationship was out of the question. But still, we hit it off wonderfully.
She’s a very attractive woman, very smart, and has what she called an “older soul”. We were texting each other 90+ times a day from early morning to my “G’night Tori” every night at 11. We had lunch at her house at least once a week, dinner and a movie occasionally. I’d help with chores around her house and we ran errands together when she dared go out (post-Covid). We had our own Christmas gift exchange as well as birthday celebrations.
During one of our walks she called me her “adopted father” which I took great joy in. She was in fact, the best friend I’ve had in my adult life. Or ever. What we had as a close friendship was, in my opinion, perfect. This went on for about a year. But of course we weren’t related and we got very emotionally close. For me, too close. I then broke the cardinal rule. I sent her an email telling her that I had fallen in love with her. Horrible move. She broke off our friendship immediately and erased me from her life. Blocked me from everything. Of course I wasn’t “in love” with her. I “loved” her but I still honestly didn’t want a “relationship” with her. Looking back, her “adopted father” analogy was just right. And me telling her that I loved her just freaked her out
I tried to get a hold of her to talk to apologize and explain.. I texted, emailed, texted her mother to no avail. I tried emailing using email addresses she didn’t know I had. I dropped a letter off at her house. No I couldn’t take the hint. I was in panic mode and needed to “fix” our friendship. She ended up calling the police and they asked me to leave her alone. So I stopped. That happened in June and it still feels like yesterday. I’m still devastated about it. But I’m finally sleeping better. But I still miss her terribly. One of my Army friends told me that I acted as if I had PTSD. So I’m now seeing a therapist who has echoed some of the sentiments in this article. They say “Time heals all wounds.” and that my be true, but I just keep wondering when.
This article pretty much covers the topic of how to behave when it comes your ex-girl but I just have a question regarding social media. Should you also refrain from liking her posts and commenting on them?
im nothing without her
Ex fiance recently moved out and is ghosting me while already talking to a new guy as “more than friends”. They don’t hang out tho, she’s told him she’s not looking for a relationship. Sounds like she’s using him to get over me. My problem is we have a daughter that I went from seeing everynight to just weekends and I sit alone in this house I bought for all of us and it’s killing me. I’ve tried taking on new house projects to pass the time but I still break down. Last night I spoke with her mom for over an hour and she seems to think my ex doesn’t know what she wants in life right now but she claims she’s happy without the stress. What gets me is before she left we had so much fun together and she told me that I because the man she wanted to be with forever but the feelings just weren’t there ( I had a drinking problem but I’m sober now). She’s always been a runner and we have split before as well and she also had talked to another guy after that breakup. She admitted that she hates she sources out to other guys when she feels down about herself. Last time we kept hanging out and fell back in love. It’s like a loop from her being emotionally broken from a bad childhood but this time I’m being ghosted.
What should I do? Most say just move on but I’m a one family kind of guy and she does mean the world to me…
What to do if my ex contacts me some times, however I still sort of have feelings for her. However her contacting me is kinda ify due to me not knowing for what reasons she writes
Hi Matt.
She’s either testing the waters or wants to be friends with you. If it makes you uncomfortable/hurt, ask her not to talk to you anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
my ex text me happy birthday a month and a half after no contact, I replied thanking him for thinking of me, I slipped in an “I miss your face”. and got no reply . I was devastated and felt so weak that I cried my eyes out and ruined my own birthday. 🙁
since then have had no contact and that was in January. He is still my first thought when I wake up and my last thought as I go to sleep. can’t wait to be over this.
What people fail to understand during a break up is that eventually people heal and move on. A nice message to fellow dumpee out there, my ex came back but was too proud to admit fault on her part this is enough for me because you soon realise that you wanted validation from your ex and not necessarily your ex back. I hope this helps anyone dealing with the situation I dealt with a year ago. To add, I’ve never had an ex who never came back if this instills any hope. Some are too afraid to reach out due to uncertainty, especially women because they don’t know what to say to reverse what they’ve done so if your ex hasn’t reached out your ex is either happy or fears rejection when the thought of reaching out comes about
My ex has reached out and said she missed me. She said she missed the relationship we had when it was good (we were together 7 years and engaged for 2). After that she kind of went cold and became distant. Only texting on holidays and birthdays. Ive only reached out a few times. I keep getting things like “I still love you in a way” When I ask what way she says as a friend. Is she waiting for me to reconcile? Weve both dated other people but she keeps me in the loop when she breaks up or when she finds someone new. I dont really care because Im seeing other people and all I need to hear is a “Im sorry” for me to get emotionally invested again.
I think this is sound advice for a fresh dumpee. Not quite so sure for those who are further down the line.
I am now past six months since the breakup, and I’m sorry to say, I still care about her.
Not just a bit, a lot.
I never pleaded, begged or called. She messaged at Christmas, New Year and on my birthday – and I reciprocated, in a civil manner.
She asked to have a phone call a month ago – we had it a week after that. It lasted 1.5 hours. We didn’t talk about the relationship at all. It was good natured, and she was laughing – clearly either relieved or happy.
She messaged me a few times after that, I responded (again in a civil manner). Last week she messaged me with advice from her doctor about COVID-19 – again, like an adult, I thanked her and said I hoped she was well.
My point is, Zan seems to suggest in most of these pieces that it is black and white e.g. ‘She doesn’t care about you’, ‘You make her unhappy’ etc.
But from my perspective, it just isn’t that simple. If I made her unhappy, why would she be contacting me? She clearly wants contact of some kind.
If she doesn’t care about me, why is she passing on her doctor’s advice about a virus?
I get why Zan has to get brutal with readers and tell them NOT to message, not to say ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’ – particularly in the early vulnerable stages of being a dumpee.
But some of the reasoning, particularly from a long term perspective, is way too simplistic.
You are in the friend zone,she will contact you in the future to tell you about her new love and that you should wish her well and be happy for her.
Thank you, honestly I keep having dreams related to her, and each time I have them I think maybe I should just let her know I miss her. Even though it’s been nearly 3 years and she got pregnant shortly after she ended things. I really needed these reminders, even if they didn’t all pertain perfectly to the situation it’s still very helpful in my continued healing so again thank you.
Thanks for all the advice Zan. I just wish this post was out last week…I was struggling with no contact at first but it got better as the weeks went on.
My birthday passing without her contacting me particularly hurt though and set me back but still, I resisted. But, I had gone out last weekend to an event and coincidentally ended up being in the same area where went on our first date which was magically. All the memories and reminiscing brought everything back. I was weak and contacted her the next day.
I told her I was ready to be even just friends which she originally said she wanted but I got no response. Due to the month plus of no contact it made it a lot more manageable to deal with the rejection but I regretted it and vowed to never do it again and now have restored strength.
Just trust Zan guys, it’s really not worth it and as someone who’s gaining their confidence back I was mad with myself for temporarily losing myself to weakness.
It’ll get better guys, stay strong! And, thank you Zan. Out of all the things I searched for in desperation trying to find a way to get her back this blog is truly the only thing that helped me.
What if it’s your ex boyfriend? Is it the same with guys? We were together 1 year and 3 months. He blocked my phone and email and I haven’t talked to him. I gave him space and I just feel terrible.
Hello Zan
I always read your blog and I find really good advise here. I found your website by chance, like many other, after having my heart broken.
It all happened last December, after a couple of weeks of the break up, I saw her with an old ex, that didn’t last long, then I heard she was flirting with another guy in January.
I never begged or anything like that, to have her back, I didn’t even cry after the break up (I did though the very first time we broke up, after about 3 months) I did however emptied my heart and head when I saw her with this other guy in regards to tell her I thanked her for opening my eyes and let me know I wasn’t so wrong when I thought she was flirting with other people.
A few days later I apologised for that, saying that I had a lot of things inside that she didn’t give me a chance to say (she didn’t wanted to listen, she told me to write them down) and that hurt a lot, because I gave her the space to say what she had to say…
After that, I have never tried to contact her again, even though we work together. At first we used to make eye contact and smile at each other, but then she decided to stop saying hello to me, and so I stopped all contact (even eye contact) a 2 weeks ago, I caught her looking at my desk or doing eye contact from a distance.
Move forward today, I’m finishing letting her go, I’m happy about myself, about the things I’ve planned for my life.
I don’t hold any anger, or bad feelings towards her, and I told her so on the very last conversations we had. I also told her I’ll keep the good things we lived and the things she taught me and leave behind all the bad stuff that happened ( and I have).
I can say now, I’m reaching a point of peace and happiness (matter of fact I caught myself smiling alone more often)
On the other hand, now she might be on the opposite part of the breakup (something I learned from you Zan, thank you so much) She doesn’t seem so happy and confident anymore, she has asked for sick days more often (up to 20 days in a row) I just hope she’s doing ok.
I guess all I want to say people out there, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hard our break ups might seem in the beginning. Focus on yourself, avoid getting back to melancholic thoughts and keep your mind busy.
All the best for all of you!!
Told her I missed her, got ignored. Sent a happy New year message, got ignored. Begged her to reply to me, she did, told her I love her, got blocked. Leave them be folks. Just leave them be. All they are is pain to you.
You’re absolutely right, Glen.
The dumper isn’t worth your time and emotions. You can’t live your life to the fullest when you’re depending on an ex to acknowledge you.
Thank you for warning others.
Best regards,
Zan
Well all the questions that goes in my head I read in your website Zan. One of my thoughts has the answer here… so thank you for this new article xx
I’m glad it’s helped, Linda!
Thanks for the comment and stay strong!
Best,
Zan
Your comment isn’t helpful to people who are fresh out of a relationship. I really detest the use of lol. It shows a lack of sensitivity. Have some empathy for people who are hurting.
Couldn’t agree more with your response to “Linda.” The callousness that’s displayed by some people on this website is really astounding.
He’s right. I did a lot of apologizing when she was leaving me, but she didn’t care. They make tons of mistakes too, so don’t do it. I’m at just over seven months and I barely feel anything for her anymore. Just hang in there and don’t worry about getting them back. That’s out of your control.
Thank you for the great advice, Trevor.
You got rejected when you told your ex how you felt, so you know how it feels. You’ve learned your lesson the hard way.
We can only hope that others learn from your advice before they repeat the same mistake.
Thanks again!
Zan