How To Cope With A Breakup You Don’t Want?

Unfortunately, most breakups are unwanted. We don’t see them coming as they completely blindside us and tell us that our partner doesn’t love us and see a future with us. Consequently, they shatter our self-esteem, hurt us beyond belief, and make us think that our ex is the greatest person to ever walk the planet.

In reality, we’re just brokenhearted and disoriented. We don’t think the same way about ourselves, so naturally, we don’t think the same way about our ex either. Our ex has hurt us badly, so we think of our ex as our savior and believe that he or she should patch our wounds and make us feel how we felt prior to the breakup (happy and secure).

Although our ex can certainly make things better for us, the problem is that most exes don’t want to do that for us. Most dumpers are emotionally fatigued and don’t feel the desire to communicate with their dumpees and be with them.

They usually feel repulsed because they’d been meaning to go separate ways for a very long time. To dumpers, a week or two of doubt, confusion, and frustration is a long time because it’s enough for them to develop anger, contempt, and even repulsion.

Of course, not all dumpers hate their exes, but most of them do feel extremely uncomfortable in their ex’s presence. They feel smothered and have a strong need to run away from their ex and focus on themselves.

Dumpees with annoyed dumpers need to find ways to cope with a breakup alone. They have to learn how to find closure and what they can do to avoid making breaking mistakes.

They can do that simply by starting no contact, reflecting on the relationship, signing up for therapy, and spending a lot of time around friends and family. The better they are at diverting their attention away from their ex, the quicker they heal and the more they learn and grow.

Closure means acceptance and healing. And a dumpee can accept that the relationship has ended and get over the breakup by taking actions that help him or her get the dumper out of the system and forget about him or her.

This means the dumpee must leave the dumper alone for as long as it takes (even if it takes years or decades). Silence is what the dumpee and the dumper both need to recover. The dumper needs it to do the things he or she wants whereas the dumper needs it to disassociate from the dumper and find his or her passion for life.

It will take time to get over a breakup you don’t want, but breakups are a marathon, not a sprint. They require immense willpower, perseverance, and blind faith to get over. Don’t expect to be over your ex in a week or two.

Only people with extremely good self-esteem, many dating options, and the inability to get attached to partners recover that quickly.

But such people probably got dumped because they weren’t able to bond with their partners.

You want to make sure you don’t develop any trust issues or mental health problems because of your ex’s abandonment. That would hinder your quality of life as well as your romantic relationships.

Anyway, right now, it probably feels like the world has ended for you, but rest assured that it will resume soon. When you realize your ex wasn’t as perfect as you’d thought, you’ll start to detach and regain your emotional independence.

Today’s article is directed at dumpees who wonder how to cope with a breakup they don’t want. We discuss some healthy methods for processing the breakup and coming out stronger.

How to cope with a breakup you don’t want?

If you got dumped and want to know how to cope with a breakup you don’t want, the very first thing you should do is accept that the breakup happened. Accepting it is the first and most crucial step as it will ease your excruciating separation anxiety and allow you to progress through the rest of the breakup stages.

Conversely, if you convince yourself your ex still loves you and wants to be with you, bear in mind that you’ll find yourself stuck in denial and have an extremely hard time coping with the breakup.

That’s because denial will prevent you from letting go of a person who doesn’t want to be with you and make you think that he or she is the best person you can be with.

So first things first, try to see things as they are. Be rational and tell yourself that you didn’t want to break up but that the breakup happened anyway and that the breakup may be final.

Adopting such a belief will make it possible for you to start processing the breakup and understanding that resisting the breakup is counterproductive for your health as well as for your ex’s feelings for you.

Resistance only makes you look weak and desperate and forces your ex to want to be with you even less.

So once you’ve come to terms with the breakup, it’s time to dethrone your ex. Focus on your ex’s flaws and bad habits, and everything you didn’t like about your ex. By doing so, you’ll realize that your ex wasn’t perfect either and that he or she had many negative traits you accepted for the sake of love.

Your ex didn’t do the same for you though. He or she focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and as a result, associated negative feelings with you and fell out of love. It’s sad, but this is what you must do as well.

You must see that someone who doesn’t love you doesn’t deserve your love and that your opinion of him or her needs to change.

You don’t need to despise your ex (hatred is self-destructive), but you should take a pen and paper and write down everything your ex did to hurt you or disappoint you. Write down your ex’s negative characteristics as well as the person your ex could and should have been.

This will encourage you to take your rose-tinted glasses off and see your ex for the person he or she is.

Coping with a breakup you don’t want isn’t easy because you feel rejected and unworthy. But that’s why you must work extra hard to devalue your ex in your eyes and continue to take back power and control of your life.

You can also speak with a therapist and people who listen and care. They’ll point out your ex’s flaws, encourage you to be strong, and make you feel better.

Just don’t message or call your ex because that will give you tons of hope and pain and delay your recovery.

Yes, some dumpers can help you find closure, but such dumpers will usually let you know that you can contact them if you’re struggling to cope with the breakup. They’ll show you that they respect you and that they don’t mind talking with you from time to time.

With that said, here’s how to cope with a breakup you don’t want.

Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to detach

You must understand that breakups have tons of ups and downs. You’ll have days when you feel detached and disappointed with your ex and days when you miss your ex like crazy and want him or her back in your life.

This is something most dumpees go through. It’s a part of the dumpees’ exhausting detachment process.

So keep in mind that even if you do everything right, you’ll still need to go through the letting-go process. You’ll need to accept the breakup, fix your self-esteem, stop seeing your ex as the one and only, and get used to a life without your ex in it.

When this happens, you’ll be detached and won’t need your ex to be happy anymore. You’ll be okay without your ex and might even be happy with someone else.

Getting this far, though will take a while. So be resilient, strong, and willing to give the breakup as long as it takes.

And while you’re doing that, don’t date anyone!

The saying that the easiest way to get over your ex is to get under someone else is the worst advice and the biggest lie you can come across. If you get involved with someone new while you’re still in love with your ex, you’ll suffer immensely as you’ll fail to connect with the new person and feel validated by him or her.

That will open your wounds and make you more emotionally dependent on your ex.

So don’t pursue a new romantic relationship too quickly. By all means, feel free to talk to other people and get to know them, but don’t actually try to replace your ex. You won’t be able to successfully do that as long as you’re hurting and want your ex to love you.

You need to be patient with yourself and avoid rebounding at all costs. Whenever you’re struggling, remind yourself that the breakup happened for a reason and that you need to respect your ex’s reason for breaking up with you even if you feel like reaching out and begging your ex for another chance.

Your emotions may tell you to reason with your ex, but you mustn’t listen to them and act on them. You must do your best to control them and prove to yourself and your ex that you’re not going to turn into a chaser.

Also, know that it’s okay to want your ex back. It’s okay to crave your ex and be obsessed with him or her. Once again, obsession is a part of the healing process.

But what’s not okay is to insert yourself into the dumper’s life and try to crawl back into his or her heart. Not only will that make you look hopeless, but it will also force your ex to push you away decisively and hurt you.

So make one of your post-breakup goals to avoid unnecessary pain and setbacks. Put yourself first so that you can recover from the breakup and figure out if you even want your ex back.

You might think that you do now that you feel rejected, but when you process the breakup and recover emotionally, you might lose attraction to your ex and give up on your ex altogether.

Take it one day at a time until that happens. You probably won’t notice the exact moment you’re over your ex because one day, you’ll just realize that you haven’t thought about your ex in a while and that you’re finally happy again and ready for new romantic opportunities.

Moreover, don’t do drugs and alcohol. They aren’t the kind of distractions you should be indulging in. Drugs are addictions that will cause more problems than they will solve.

Right now, you need good kinds of distractions.

Good distractions are:

• friends and family
• hobbies
• vacations
• exercising
• volunteering
• self-reflection and self-development
• and anything that gets your mind off your ex

Do whatever helps you cope with the breakup. This is different for everyone, but in general, people benefit the most when they engross themselves in something they like. It doesn’t matter what that is as long as it keeps them busy and fulfilled.

I hope you’ve learned how to cope with a breakup you don’t want. What about you? What helps you cope with your breakup? Post your suggestions in the comments section below.

And if you’d like to confide in us about your breakup, click here to learn more about our breakup services.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.