How Does Your First Heartbreak Change You?

The first heartbreak can be notably challenging as it can hit you with raw emotions that you lack the strength, knowledge, and tools to deal with. It can put you in a helpless situation you hadn’t been in before and bring out your hidden flaws, fears, and insecurities.

The more you convinced yourself that you and your partner were meant to be, the higher the expectations you developed and the more attached you got.

This means your thoughts and emotions placed a high importance on the relationship and made a potential breakup extremely painful to you.

If you spent all your time with your partner and invested your heart and soul into the relationship, you probably put your relationship above your wants and needs and developed an obsession with your partner.

This obsession led you to believe that you needed your partner to exist and be happy and forced you to over-rely on your partner for basic human things.

Things such as self-love, confidence, self-esteem, and hobbies.

Of course, not all first couples set everything aside for their first relationship. Many new/first-time couples live busy, independent, and fulfilling lives without each other.

But since it’s their first relationship, they often enter the relationship with an overly optimistic mindset. They believe that their relationship is perfect and that it’s going to last forever simply because they’re in it and because it feels good.

They mistake their feelings (infatuation) for love and create high unrealistic expectations. During the initial stages (especially the love stage), they act lovey-dovey and say sweet things to each other.

They promise to be honest and loyal and grow old together and say that they can’t imagine being with anyone else. At that particular moment, they mean every word they say. Their brain is overloading them with crazy amounts of dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, eliminating any doubts, fears, anxiety, pain, and rationality.

They are on cloud nine and feel excited to get to know each other emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Nothing and no one can stop them from growing the bond and feeling addicted to each other.

Not even disapproving parents. The relationship is too new and strong for external forces to interfere and knock them off course.

Things start getting much more serious and difficult when excitement wanes. That’s when couples become more rational and are left in charge of their own destiny. This tends to happen 2 or 3 months into the relationship when couples get through the love stage of the relationship.

When they get to know each other on an intimate level and stop relying on love hormones to guide them and solve their problems, they begin to learn how they express themselves and deal with the challenges life throws at them.

If they’re underdeveloped (which sadly many new/young couples are), they tend to clash. And they do that in ways that drive a wedge between them. If this wedge is big and sharp, it can cause them to take their differences personally and turn them against each other.

Poor communication destroys them from within like a bark beetle. It slowly exposes their unpreparedness for a serious relationship and puts their relationship at risk.

You probably already know that communication is one of the biggest relationship killers.

It’s a serious problem for all kinds of couples, not just first-time couples. Sometimes even highly compatible and loving couples break up because of poor communication or the lack of it. They forget the importance of talking to each other, setting goals, expressing gratitude, and complimenting each other.

As a result, they neglect themselves and/or each other, find happiness outside of the relationship, and develop bad opinions of each other.

The point I’m trying to make is that first-time couples tend to react (instead of act) to problems way more often and intensely than couples who were in long-term relationships before and learned to communicate emotions maturely.

They often project their unresolved problems (from their upbringing) onto each other and react impulsively (instinctually).

Mix their low self-esteem from wanting or needing a relationship and desires to change each other into the pot and you have a bond that is codependent and unsustainable long-term. It doesn’t usually break right away because couples have high highs after low lows.

They switch between happiness and unhappiness despite refusing and/or failing to improve their behavioral patterns.

But because they ignore common sense and keep making the same mistakes over and over again, they often stay together for the wrong reasons, lose their identity, and wait for the relationship to encounter a problem it lacks the tools and will to overcome.

That’s when their relationship causes the least attached person to completely detach and emotionally and mentally devastate the person who was still very invested in the relationship.

First-time breakups are no joke. They cause mental anguish words cannot describe. Only dumpees understand how it feels to be rejected and abandoned.

They feel so anxious and depressed that they don’t wish it on their worst enemy. 

In this article, we explain how your first heartbreak changes you as a person and a partner and what you can do to come out of it wiser and stronger.

How does your first heartbreak change you?

Couples (mainly dumpers) often associate negative thoughts and emotions with their ex and lack the patience to explain why the breakup happened (give closure).

They feel so victimized by their ex that they develop defense mechanisms, blame their ex for the breakup, and leave on bad terms. You can only imagine what that does to the dumpee who had high hopes for the relationship.

It rips his or her heart out of the ribcage and drops it through the shredder. Pain from the first breakup cannot be compared to anything in this world. The closest thing to it is the experience of losing a parent or child you had a very close bond with.

But even that tends to be much less severe as there is no rejection involved. Self-esteem tends not to take a hit when a person leaves your life involuntarily.

First-time dumpees usually lack the self-esteem and coping mechanisms to accept romantic rejection and let go of hope.

Due to a lack of breakup knowledge, experience, and healthy self-esteem, they are much more likely to beg and plead and make desperate breakup mistakes that make the dumper feel pressured and unwilling to communicate.

Some dumpees even show up unannounced at their ex’s house or work and guilt-trip their ex.

The sad truth is that the first breakup changes people. It doesn’t do much to dumpers because they’re perfect and made no major mistakes (at least in their eyes), but it has a profound effect on the abandoned dumpee.

Shattered self-esteem often makes first-time dumpees hit an all-time low and causes them to relive the breakup a million times.

It forces them to reflect on their actions, correct their attitude, improve their relationship skills and overall maturity, and enables them to be the people their ex (and others) want them to be.

It normally takes them a few months of self-blame, self-doubt, and self-torture to grow in areas of life they need to grow in and become the best versions of themselves.

Many dumpees grow because they take the breakup to heart and regret saying and doing certain things. They wish they hadn’t acted in ways that made their ex dislike them and detach from them.

That’s why they fall into depression and feel tempted to rationalize with their ex.

The first breakup hurts like hell. But that’s the reason why it’s such a transformative experience. I hate to say it, but the more dumpees suffer, the longer they engage in introspection and the more positive changes they make.

Those who were super close to their ex at the end of the relationship suffer the longest and also have the most work to do.

They have to decrease their dependence on their ex and embrace blind fate. It can be extremely difficult for them to do that after they’ve developed a belief that their ex is their soulmate and that they’ll never meet anyone as good as their ex.

But despite that, they must do their best to fight their emotion-driven fairytale-like beliefs.

There are billions of people for them out there, but because they’re hurt and shocked, all they can think about is the ex who dumped them and appeared relieved without them.

I suppose shock and obsession are normal and happen to the majority of dumpees, even those who’ve been dumped before.

Love is addicting as it releases powerful love hormones that can be enhanced by low self-esteem, insecurities, codependence, lack of friends/social life, false promises, ups and downs in the relationship, innocent beliefs, and excessive optimism.

Anyone can get attached and hurt. However, those who overinvest in their partner and lack the experience and tools to accept the breakup suffer and learn more as they also have the most to improve, starting with their self-image and purpose in life.

Some people’s first breakups don’t change them much because they didn’t have a long-term relationship, a tight bond, or weren’t treated badly before, during, or after the breakup. Such people tend to have a painful first breakup experience later when they meet and lose someone they value.

This can be any person they get close to and develop romantic expectations of. 

First breakups are like chicken pox. You have to go through them to understand them and develop resistance to them. When you recover from a heart-shattering rejection, you learn that your ex’s opinion of you doesn’t matter and that you deserve love and respect regardless of what your ex thinks, feels, and does after the breakup.

Whether your ex monkey-branches to someone else or spreads rumors about you, you understand that your ex’s choices and behaviors say more about your ex than they do about you. They reveal how your ex deals with emotions of power and control.

It’s just hard not to take them personally.

There are many reasons why first breakups are so painful. But one of the main reasons is that they force you to think poorly of yourself and change things. They make you want to be a better partner and do something to change the outcome of the breakup.

Separation anxiety hits you hard, triggers your repressed fears and insecurities, and makes you lose your inhibitions. You can’t avoid dealing with the post-breakup blues because it constantly reminds you that your safety, well-being, and future are in danger.

So if you’re going through your first breakup, wondering how the first breakup changes you, it changes you a lot. If you were in love, it destroys your fantasy of a happy ever-after ending and prepares you for a much harsher reality.

The reality is that things don’t always end the way you want them to. Sometimes relationships end prematurely even if you do everything in your power to maintain them. That’s because they take two people to operate. One person alone can’t convince the other to communicate and behave maturely and respectfully.

He or she has to willingly do that by understanding the importance of the relationship.

The first breakup teaches us that nothing is guaranteed to last forever and that the only person who will be with us from the beginning to the end is us. It takes a while for us to fully understand this, but when we do, we appreciate our health and happiness and re-enter the dating world with a renewed sense of hope and self-worth.

In new relationships, we love ourselves better, understand our duties and responsibilities better, stay on the lookout for red flags, and tolerate less. We understand our value as people and partners and as a result, try harder and have better relationships.

If you’re not ready to date yes, that’s okay. You shouldn’t push yourself to be with someone new when your heart still aches for your ex. Get to know new people only when you’re 90% or fully over your ex and can handle another rejection.

That’s when you should get rid of remaining hope and get the last bit of your ex out of your system by replacing him or her with someone you get along with and set healthy boundaries with. If you look for a new person while you’re still struggling to love yourself and let go of your ex, you’ll most likely rebound and suffer even more.

So take some time for yourself and get to know yourself better. Ask yourself questions like, “What are my strong points and how can I improve the quality of my life?” Such questions will maximize your growth and ultimately, help you live a healthier and happier life.

With that said, here’s how your first heartbreak changes you.

Your first heartbreak, provided it was a serious relationship will change you more than any subsequent heartbreak. That’s because it will destroy your self-esteem and force you to rebuild yourself from the ground up.

The following breakups will hurt too (it’s impossible not to feel hurt when you get abandoned by the person you love), but they won’t erase your identity, leave you disoriented, and force you to relearn who you are and what you want in life.

Not unless you fail to learn and grow from the first breakup.

So take your first breakup seriously and embrace the lessons it’s trying to teach you. It will help you in your future relationships and daily life as well.

If you ignore the need to evolve and get rid of unhealthy beliefs, you’ll likely develop trust issues and fears of getting into new relationships. If that happens, your next relationships will be haunted by the ghosts of your past and make it extremely difficult for you to relax and be yourself.

The first breakup makes you see relationships differently

First breakups teach you to let go of people who for any reason fell out of love and refused to look for ways to reconnect. Sure, some relationships need to end as couples aren’t growing together, but not every relationship ends for a good reason.

Many times, people disconnect emotionally and break up because they stop working on themselves and maintaining the relationship. They develop doubts and let stressors and problems make emotional decisions for them.

This means the breakup happens because of their bad relationship mentality and willingness to resolve problems before they snowball into resentment and disgust.

When you learn that you made mistakes but that you didn’t cheat, lie, steal, or do anything immoral, you’ll understand that some breakups are unavoidable. You can be the best partner in the world and your partner will still take you for granted and do things you would never do.

This happens because your morals, thoughts, feelings, and personality differ from your partner’s. You can try to motivate your partner to adopt your beliefs and values, but there’s no guarantee that he or she will.

Beliefs and values are deep-rooted and take deliberate effort to change or improve. You probably won’t negate the lessons your partner learned during his or her childhood as he or she has strengthened them over the years.

You can try but you’ll be met with resistance and criticism.

To change, improve, and grow, your partner has to want these things on his or her own. Only then can he or she consider your ideas and incorporate your belief system.

To conclude, the first heartbreak is transformational. It first ruins your self-esteem and destroys your innocent views on relationships. But when you learn to love yourself and rebuild your self-esteem, you become stronger emotionally and realize that you can’t prevent people from leaving you.

If they want to leave, they will. You’ll be okay with or without them because you’ll have survived your first (worst) breakup.

Just make sure to keep learning new things even after you’ve recovered from heartbreak. Many people stop growing after they’ve healed and lost the drive to obsess over their ex and want their ex back.

They think they’ve learned everything they needed to learn and that personal growth doesn’t concern them anymore. Such people tend to stagnate growth-wise until they encounter another negative experience, whether it be another breakup, a romantic rejection, anxiety, or depression.

If you want the best for yourself, you have to find some other reason to improve. You can’t continue to expect separation anxiety and desire to want to be with your ex to keep pushing you.

At some point, you’ll heal completely and feel comfortable with who you are and where you are in life. I suppose that’s both good and bad. It’s good because your torment will end and bad because your growth will stop or slow down.

Hence, you may want to develop self-awareness and a habit of regularly engaging in introspection.

You don’t have to wait for things to happen to you and take you by surprise. You can continue to grow steadily and control the things that are in your power to control. Hopefully, your maturity will prevent your future partners from reacting impulsively and inspire them to resolve problems and differences amicably.

How did your first heartbreak change you? Was it the first breakup that taught you the most valuable lessons? Share your lessons and experiences of your first heartbreak in the comments area below the article. We look forward to your response.

And if you’d like to discuss your first breakup experience with us, go to our coaching page and subscribe to private coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.