When a guy says he doesn’t see a future with you, you’re probably thinking that his long-term goals don’t align with yours and that he believes the two of you will clash at a later point in time. The truth though, is that his decision to split up has nothing to do with his predictions and plans for the future. It’s got everything to do with the way he feels now because he can’t overcome the negative thoughts and feelings invading his mind.
He doesn’t even want to improve them. He just wants to run away from you because that’s the fastest way he can stop feeling trapped and unfulfilled.
That’s why the “not being able to see a future with you” is just a euphemism for “I lost feelings for you and can’t or won’t redevelop them. I’d rather leave things the way they are and focus only on myself.”
If he enjoyed being in a relationship with you now, he wouldn’t worry about the future. He’d live in the moment and assure you he’s going to deal with upcoming challenges when they arise.
So don’t take a guy’s “I don’t see a future with you” in a literal sense. This line is something guys and women use to make the breaking up sound nicer. Instead of saying, “I don’t like you because of this and that,” they say, “We’re not compatible, so there’s no point in dragging this into the future. The best thing for us to do is to break up.”
Dumpees tend to overanalyze this line as well as other similar lines. They’re in immense pain, so they hope to find something to cling to that would downplay their ex’s reasons for breaking up and help them reconcile. In your case, that something is the “future” word. You’re hoping that your ex merely got overwhelmed or scared of the future and that the relationship would have worked out if he decided to take things one step at a time.
Well, perhaps taking things slow would have helped a bit. But it wouldn’t help him resolve his personal issues and the issues he associated with you. To stay in love with you (or to keep enjoying spending time with you if you were just seeing each other from time to time), he needed to change his mentality and the way he perceived you.
He had lots of internal changes to make and lots of work to do. And he just wasn’t willing to do that, so he gave up and said he doesn’t see a future with you. Ending things with you seemed like the best thing to do.
In this post, we’ll explain what it means when someone says they don’t see a future with you. We’ll also help you prepare a response for this cliche and advise you on what to do.
He said he doesn’t see a future with me. Does he mean it?
If a guy you dated or liked said he doesn’t see a future with you, you have to take the guy seriously. You have to know that he’s lost interest in you/the will to fight and that any reasoning with him is only going to make things worse. It’s going to give him more power he doesn’t need and force him to tell you that no means no.
You may have gotten along with him for weeks, months, or years even, but he still meant what he said. He genuinely believed (and still does) that breaking up was for the best and that you both deserve to find people that mix best for your unique personalities.
That’s why you don’t have a choice but to believe the guy. This is going to be hard to hear, but you have to understand that he’s looking for something different. Something that makes him feel the desire to invest in the relationship and feel good when he receives love and validation.
With you, he didn’t feel good. He felt you were on different pages emotionally, so he disconnected from you and left you to focus on himself and other people.
Of course, he didn’t mean to hurt you and punish you for not being the right woman for him. But to you, it may seem that he did because you were attached to him and actually had plans for the future. You hoped to stay with him and get even closer to him.
It’s just that the guy didn’t want the same. He felt pressured into staying with you, so he thought about what excuse to give you and went for the one that sounded similar to, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
The excuse he used was a very passive one as it didn’t talk about the issues he broke up with you for. It ignored them and made you look for those issues on your own.
This doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, though. He’s just afraid of telling you the truth because he thinks you could get hurt and also hurt him back. In other words, he’s scared or unwilling of doing the right thing – which is to tell you how he feels and most importantly, why he feels that way.
He wants you to figure it out on your own.
Why doesn’t he see a future with me?
There are many possible reasons why the guy doesn’t see a future with you. I can’t identify those reasons just by knowing that the guy isn’t into you.
But if we simplify things, we can say it all comes down to his feelings or the lack thereof. For some reason, he discerned he’ll be happier on his own and later with someone else, so he gave up on the relationship despite agreeing to be in it.
I’m not saying he was supposed to stay committed to you despite being unhappy, but oftentimes, relationships can be improved significantly in a relatively short amount of time. Couples just have to want to improve them and start putting in the work.
Your ex or the guy you were seeing/wanted to see didn’t want to put any work in. He thought it was too late to fix things because he felt that investing time and energy into someone that makes him feel smothered or uncomfortable is a waste of time.
And he was probably right. It was a waste of time because his relationship mentality wasn’t going to allow him to grow and improve. It was too underdeveloped and/or lacked the stimulus that would create the willpower and determination required to bond with you.
You’re probably tired of hearing this cliche, but the breakup happened for a reason. It just couldn’t overcome all the relationship-damaging doubts and feelings the guy chose to hide from you and ignore.
So if your boyfriend told you he doesn’t see a future with you, know that he lacked the skills to maintain his relationship. And instead of developing those skills, he acted on his suffocating emotions and left when he needed to put in the effort the most.
If your relationship lasted only for a short while, however, then he probably just got to know you and figured he didn’t like you. This means he couldn’t find ways to connect with you and put up with the things that bothered him about you.
If your relationship was short-term (only a few weeks), you should probably forget about the guy. The fact that he gave up this soon indicates that he couldn’t bond with you and that you need to leave him alone. You need to distance yourself from him whether you liked him, loved him, or depended on him for survival. If he gave up on you, he doesn’t deserve your admiration. He deserves nothing but space and time.
With that said, here are a few different reasons why he doesn’t see a future with you.
He loves me but doesn’t see a future with me
We’ve covered this on other blog posts before, but we’ll do it again because many dumpees get their hopes up the moment they hear their ex say “I love you.” Whether their ex tells them he hates them and can’t stand them doesn’t matter to them. All they focus on is the “I love you” part because that part feels empowering to them.
It makes them feel that their ex has feelings for them but is too afraid or stubborn to admit it.
This is why we need to discuss that whenever an ex says he loves you but doesn’t see a future with you, he means that he cares about you. He cares as an ex or a friend, but not as a romantic partner with actual romantic feelings.
Love is almost always gone after the breakup. It goes on a hiatus and may not return. Its return depends on whether the dumper is happy with his decision and can handle the consequences and circumstances he faces in his post-breakup life.
So keep declarations of love that precede a “but” away from your heart. Love is either there or it isn’t. There should be no buts, ifs, coulds, and shoulds. If your ex isn’t with you, he’s not into you and needs to be dealt with accordingly.
How to respond when a guy says he doesn’t see a future with you?
The guy must have pondered about breaking up with you for weeks. He just couldn’t find the right time and place and bring himself to do it because he thought it would hurt you and cause you to do something he doesn’t want you to do.
Something like beg and plead, ask for explanations, get angry, or guilt-trip.
He didn’t want to see you refuse to accept the breakup because he’d already decided to end the relationship with you. He just needed you to accept it so he could see you were going to be okay and that it was okay for him to move on.
If you don’t show him you can handle separation anxiety and the fear of being alone after the breakup, he’s going to lose respect for you and want to speak to you/get back with you even less.
So make sure to respond with confidence and high-self esteem. That way, you’ll show him you don’t emotionally rely on him and that you’re going to be just fine with or without him.
That’s what the guy secretly wants to see. He wants proof that you’re self-reliant and strong enough to face anything life throws at you.
It’s probably too late for this, but when he breaks up with you saying he doesn’t see a future with you, you can simply say, “I understand, thanks for telling me. I noticed that the last few weeks weren’t the same as before. What do you think went wrong?”
If you don’t demand explanations, but rather ask the guy if he has any clue why the breakup occurred, he might actually tell you the truth.
Just don’t push him to open up. Whatever he decides to tell you, thank him for his honesty and wish him well.
What to do when he doesn’t see a future with you?
When a guy says that he doesn’t see a future with you, no convincing is going to make him want to see you now or in the future. That’s why the only thing left to do is to distance yourself from him and let him enjoy life without you.
Most dumpees start following the rules of no contact—and that’s what you should do too. The sooner you give your ex space, the less you’ll smother and annoy your ex, and the stronger you’ll feel and more attractive you’ll appear.
Don’t waste your time doing a 30-day no contact rule or some other rule or technique you find on the internet. Do the indefinite no contact rule instead because that’s the only rule that will encourage your ex to reach out when your ex is ready to reach out.
While you’re staying away from your ex, you should try to figure out what went wrong. Understanding why the breakup occurred will give you closure, which is good for your health. Secondly, you should start working on improving your flaws. No one’s perfect, so there must be things you can improve upon.
If you don’t see anything to work on, you haven’t thought about it long enough yet.
And thirdly, try to get over your ex. You can do that by talking about the breakup with a therapist, family member, or a friend. It doesn’t matter who you converse with as long as he or she listens and gives you empathetic responses.
Your ex will reach out when he feels ready to do that and has a reason to reach out. So keep healing and growing as a person. You need to know who you are and what your worth is by the time the dumper contacts you otherwise your ex won’t respect you and feel positive about you.
Instead of developing feelings, he’ll see that you aren’t equal in terms of power and self-respect and that he’s made the right decision to leave you.
If you want your ex back, you mustn’t give your ex the impression that you’re struggling to move on. Just how you wouldn’t impress a random person by saying you’re desperate for a relationship, you won’t impress your ex either.
You’ll just make him pity you and lose interest.
So if your ex-boyfriend or someone you just dated casually said he doesn’t see a future with you, accept the breakup right away and start no contact. Your dignity, health, and well-being depend on it.
Did a guy say he doesn’t see a future with you? How did that make you feel? Post your thoughts in the comments below.
However, if you’d like to talk about your ex with us privately, contact us through our coaching page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi there,
This was such a great read. I just got dumped today and I clueless on what to do.
We have been dating for some month and met up last week. The thing is I have had a health issue which I thought was gone now but the night we met, it flared up which freaked him out as per his explaination. So he went back to his workplace, stopped taking my calls or messages. As I was wondering what went wrong, he texted this morning saying he got traumatized when my health problem acted up and that HE doesn’t see a future with me. I was somewhat shocked and broken, blaming myself why I have this sickness. The fact that I didn’t tell him about my health condition was I’m off treatment and never had an issue over the past 4-5 years.
So, long story short, He asked us to remain friends and nothing more… that he don’t wanna fool around as he sees no future. Cried a bucket thinking of ways on how to tell him how I feel but after going through your article, I have decided “Indefinite No Contact” is the best way to handle this. If I was my old self, I would be crying, beggibng him to take me back but I guess i need to learn to value and respect myself more.
Thank you so much for this article at a time when i needed it the most, not only to get over him but also to find myself and my values, dignity and re -assess my life decisions.
Hi Kathy.
I don’t know what health issue you’re facing, but this guy clearly doesn’t deserve you. If he can’t accept your health problems now, how will he accept them later when something bad happens. It’s better that you break up now that the relationship is still new.
Don’t settle for friendship with this guy. He doesn’t deserve that either. He showed who he was and how he thinks of people with health complications.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks for this article. My ex just broke up with me this Monday. I’ve been together for only 3 weeks. We both really enjoyed the time we spent together. The only issure was he didn’t make me feel secured.
1. He wanted to have sex with me on our first date. And then he said I can be your boyfriend after I told him that you are not my boyfriend I only have sex with someone who’s in a relationship with me. So I was worried if he took this relationship seriously.
2. He knew I was going to move to another city in two monthes and still asked me out for a date.
So I had a discussion with him last Tuesday and told him that I don’t like the jokes he made from my childhood trauma, he needs to text me more (He barely texted me.) and also mentioned that I want a long-term relationship. He apologised for the jokes that make feel uncomfortable and he said he was on the same page with me when we were talking about the long-term relationship. Next time we met was last Thursday and he mentioned that I can’t see a future with you. I didn’t take it seriouly bc it had only been 3 weeks.
The day before we broke up I was staying at his place. We spent time together like usual. I didn’t feel anything was wrong. Just having some normal conversation He even said “good night” the day before we broke up and “good morning” proactively before he broke up with me. I know it sounds nothing but he never said these proactively before. He even gave me a lot of kisses more than usual on that night. I really felt we got closer and I can start to trust him. But the next day, he told me he can’t see the future with me, we should break up. I asked him the reasons. He told me that because of the way we deal with conflicts, the difference of our culture background (the example he gave me is that I don’t like some of him jokes) and I don’t want kids. After I went home, I sent him a message telling him that how I liked him and I want to work this out together. This time he told me that “I want to focus on myself right now. It’s not about our differences or anything specific. It’s more about where I’m at in life and what I’m looking forward to in the future. I can’t see us together long-term, and I feel it wouldn’t be right to keep this going when my heart isn’t fully in it.”
He told me he liked me. He even said that I don’t have any friends and lose you I got nothing left. I still don’t get it why he wants to break up with me when we are having a good time. Is this because he’s afraid that he can’t maintain a long-distant relationship with me or he just wanted a causal relationship and use this “can’t see a future with me” as an excuse????
He also said that I made him weak, I make him feel too comfortable and I make him lazy in the second week of our relationship. He’s a really hard-working person. He was either studying or working everyday, but while we were dating he always have time to spend with me. It makes wonder if the reason he broke up with my is just because being in a relationship too time consuming and he can’t no to me coz I’m his girlfriend. Or because I don’t have a job right now so that’s why he says he doesn’t see a future with me.
Hi Li.
He broke up with you because you want different things and couldn’t stay connected with you. You got along at first, but that was when the relationship was super new. When you encountered differences and problems, things fell apart very quickly as he didn’t feel you could communicate successfully and work together.
The relationship broke apart very quickly. Normally, this happens because couples are incompatible or immature.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan my fiance of 7 year!! Broke up with me 2/3 weeks after being burgled and after years of displaying emotional, verbal and physical abuse and eventually calling off our wedding which I am incredibly relieved for. Especially, when things were escalating physically I did not feel safe, respected or love and confronted him with how these behaviours might present with a family in the future. This was his trigger Achilles reaction. Despite loving him I realised the love was not safe and he was not the right person as often he would blow things out of proportion greatly and it would escalate unnecessarily. I’m super grateful that he is no longer in my life at this point. However we share ownership of a home (living separately ofc) just it’s hard to rid ourselves of the house due to the market.
Hi P.
You dodged a bulled with this guy. He made it easier for you to focus on yourself and protect yourself. Now you can take some time to heal and eventually find a person who will treat you right. It’s good that you don’t live together as that would make things much worse. But do try to sell the house as quickly as possible (for a good price of course) so you don’t have to interact with him now and in the future.
I wish you a speedy recovery!
Zan
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend just told me that two days ago, after being together for close to three years. No matter how much I try to let him know things can be better, he always looks for the negative. He says he loves me but is worried about the future. I think I want to leave too but I don’t know how to. I am struggling with leaving and he is still acting like he wants to still be around me… acting like my boyfriend. What should I do?
Hi Jen.
You need to be brave and understand that he used a breakup excuse. He was afraid of telling you the fully story, so he uttered some generic line. Because his feelings are gone, you must stop interacting with him. Ask for space and start no contact. He’s acting like everything’s fine and saying he loves you because he’s a coward who won’t do the right thing.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
This was a really interesting to read and helped process a few things in my head. My boyfriend of two years said to me a few weeks ago said that he wanted to discuss how he feels. He was really upset and said that he doesn’t see a future with me and something is missing but doesn’t know why or what that is. I remained calm and suggested a few things we could do and he seemed quite negative about everything I said- one thing led to another and he said we should break up. I was devastated.
Five days go by without communication and he says he doesn’t want to break up as he loves me and wants to make it work. We’ve been dating but seeing each other less than we did before and I’m trying my best to push through but I feel like the trust has been broken. He still says how he loves me and wants to make it work but isn’t sure what it is that is missing, which is making me feel terrible but I love him. What should I do? Should I push on as he’s wanting to try or accept this feeling is never going to happen and end it? This was all out of the blue for me as I thought we were perfect and I love him so much
Hi Em.
Things need to change significantly before the relationship can work. His mentality needs to improve or he’s going to experience doubts and a loss of feelings again. He needs a lot of regret and commitment to make it work. Give him a chance only if he seems determined to work on himself and make you feel secure.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello Everyone and hello Zan!
I wanted to say this post helped me a lot to understand my situation or his. My ex and I broke up a few days ago and we were in a relationship of 1.5 Years. We had a lot of difficulties but we were ready to develop eachother. We were very good in cummunication, he listened to me, respected me and so did I. But there was always a little problem that was repeating itself, his lack of communications about his feelings. It was very difficult for him to show his feelings or talk about it. The reason was because of his family. He was raised in a family were performance was the most important thing and he wasn‘t allowed to be weak. for me as an emotional woman, was it difficult to handle this but I always tried to understand it. Now in september he went to study abroad for 4 moths. We already had some discussions about his stay and long distance relationship. I‘ve never done this before and was very scared about it and always said that i‘m going to breakup before he leaves. But the love and the trust was strong enough that i wanted to give it a try. I wish him the best and i‘m so happy for him that he can do this experience! But as soon as he left there was were the problems started, he didn‘t tell me everything, he started hiding some informations that were important for me, we fighted a lot and it was drowning us. Our communication skill just went lost. In addition to that i was ovewhelmed by myself because i started with my studies, work and the first time of LDR. I just couldn‘t be the person that he wished and he couldn‘t be the person that i needed in this difficult time. I was so hurt and exhausted that I broke up with him. He was obvously shocked because he didn‘t expect it and I am his first love and relationship. So we did two weeks of no contact, because i already had bought some tickets to go to visit him. I told him i wanted to discuss this whole breakup personally because it would be sad if the relationship ended this ugly. He agreed, because at first he wanted to meet me after he came back from his stay ( just 2 months left now). Then four days before my departure he texted me that he couldn‘t see a future with me anymore. At first i was shocked because, that wasn‘t the message that i expected. I used this non contact time to find solutions and to see where the problem was. He instead chase totally another way. So i called him, because a 1.5 year of relationship shouldn‘t be ended over a text and asked him the reason why and explained my intensions and my wish why i wanted to see him. He didn‘t show any emotions or reaction and kept his opinion. After the call i cried a lot and started to think about what to do. I wanted to see him just to talk, it didn‘t have to mean that we sould have be back together. Then i texted him i would come anyways because my feeling was saying that i should fight for love and my needs. He answered very cold that he doesn‘t want to see me, because it‘s better for him this way. So my heart shatterd and i accepted his needs and answerd him with a last text were i expressed what his reaction did to me, but that i wish him the best and that‘s why i would give him his space and time that he needs. After that i blocked him because it‘s best for me. I want to move on and not wait for a message. If he wanted to reach out he would it do in other ways or call me.
I really think he was overhelmed with his emotions and the situation and he was scared to confront me because of his feelings. At the same time i‘m disappointed that it needed to end this way, because it was the last thing that i wanted. I really hope he will think about the beautiful time we had too and not just concentrate on the bad things that happened at the end. I also hope a bit that we will have a conversation when he‘ll be back. I deserved one. But the last thing i‘m doing is waiting for him!
Hi Aurora.
The distance in the relationship heightened (not created) your issues. It made you feel more disconnected, understood, and appreciated—and caused you to focus on your individual lives. This went on for so long that love disappeared and created negative feelings. In essence, he got overwhelmed and began to prioritize himself and lost the drive to invest in you and the relationship.
You have to leave him alone because he decided this was the best thing to do. Don’t wait for him, of course, as you don’t know if he’ll ever come back. Use this time to figure out if he’s the person you truly want. Most women prefer men who can show emotions.
Sincerely,
Zan
Recently my ex of 3 months dumped me saying he doesn’t see a future with me and that he’s not romantically in love with me anymore. The first month was great, we literally would hang out every single day with no issues at all. He was super affectionate, a gentleman, and showered me with love (he even mentioned that he has been crushing on me for 2 years).
I started getting annoyed when he was constantly talking about his exs and he even followed a bunch of them on social media. I mentioned it to him calmly and in fights but he never understood my point of view. All he would say is that it’s too early to ask for this and that he still has somewhat of a friendship with them. I vocalized that it was making me insecure, especially when I have to see them at a local lounge almost every weekend. Our fights continued for 3-4 weeks and we agreed to a short no-contact break while he’s traveling abroad, when he gets back we will start on a better note.
As he was away, an anonymous number would send me old pics of my bf with his exs, basically harassing me. I was fed up and sent it to him, he was shocked that I was getting these pics, apparently someone has been messing with him and spreading rumors around to all the girls he dated. We argued regarding one of the pics because he didn’t tell me about it. He broke up with me over text the next day saying he doesn’t see a future with me, he’s not romantically in love anymore, the relationship is causing him stress, he’s not ready for commitment and needs to focus on bettering himself, and that he has a lot going on in the next few months.
Idk how to interpret his texts. I’m scared that he’s lying to me and just wants to be single and have fun. There’s also a part of me that is hoping he betters himself and realizes what he lost and comes back.
Hi Michelle.
This relationship ended very quickly. He not only disregarded your feelings by staying in touch with his exes, but he also made you feel responsible for his problems. A guy like this isn’t boyfriend material, Michelle. He can’t be because he doesn’t see and care that his irresponsible actions are hurting you.
If he left after 3 months, he was likely not in love with you. He was infatuated and stopped being infatuated when issues arose.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your reply. That’s what I was fearing, especially with all the reasons he gave me for the breakup. I can’t help but think if he’ll actually work on himself and come back around or if it’s all a bunch of BS. Any advice on how to deal with this heartbreak and somehow get him to come around? I think it’s tough for me to accept that I gave this guy a chance and he’s the one that dumped me over something that was in his control.
Hi Michelle.
Most dumpers are tired and don’t work on themselves. They instead focus on having fun and moving on. That’s why I wouldn’t think he’s spending his time wisely.
Deal with the breakup by investing in yourself and doing what you can to get your mind off him. You need to realize that he’s not as important as he seems right now and that you can be happy without him. Once you’ve rebuild your self-worth, things will be much, much easier.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi.. I have a question.
My boyfriend of 3 years, he loves me very much. But when it comes to the future he says he doesn’t see a future with me. It’s been three years now and when I ask him he says “it’s the same” I’d ask do you not love me and he immediately says “of course I love you, why else would I date you. I love you just how can I see a future with you when I can’t see a future for myself?” He’s been like that for a while.. in the start he was a bit more confident in himself. And to commit but now I don’t know what it is it’s as if he’s afraid to say he’s commited. Because last December he basically said to me that he sees future with me but not blantly. I don’t know. I love him dearly with all my heart. And I can feel he loves me too the way he treats me. Could you help x I had my therapist and she doesn’t know, nor does my twin.
Hi Sol.
It seems that he feels lost due to mild depression. If he doesn’t resolve this issue, he will likely leave. I suggest you to talk to him about his happiness and direction in life. If he feels down, encourage him to seek professional help.
Kind regards,
Zan
I was dumped a month ago, said he couldnt see a future with me and that he didnt feel a click. We were together a year. It was always passionate sexually and he used to talked to me about everything. I noticed a change about two months before. He just seemed less enthused. We never argued and I never interfered with his life with his kids etc. I never asked for extra attention and was always available when he had issues. I don’t know where it went wrong. I immediately went no contact and starting working on myself physically and mentally. It gutted me though and I can’t help think it’s too late for me. I’m 38. Never married.
Hi April.
I don’t have enough information to know what went wrong, but do you think you were too available and flexible? Did it seem like he had too much power in the relationship? This shouldn’t have been a problem, but it often is for dumpers because they take their partner for granted.
I wish you a speedy recovery!
Zan
Hi!
About thwo months ago my ex left me bc he said he didn’t see a future with me… We were together for over a year and a half and it was the first time breaking up but tbh we had been talking about it multiple times. He was my first almost everything and obv I’ve struggled a lot. I am much better now but I still have a deep deep feeling that this is not over and that we might find a way but the truth is that he prob doesn’t think the same.
I just want answers and after we broke up we kept talking for two weeks and then I tried to keep distance bc I needed it. I know he wants the best for me and I want the best for him, but my mind keeps going to the past and thinks he will regret it one day.
I understand now that he doesn’t have the skills to maintan a romantic relationship (also for his past relationships) and it is not my fault that he has a lack of commitment but still hurts. However, I still can’t let him go…
One day I feel like I have moved on and the next minute I am sobbing in bed and missing him. I would go back with him if he would commit and realised what he lost but I guess that is his call.
Why us the dumpees have to struggle SO much when they are the ones who decided to push us away and not want us in their lifes? It wasn’t my choice and still I find myself really sad to have lost him.
Hi Mi.
You’re still going through the stages of losing hope. Hope is the last thing that dies, so keep that in mind and be kind to yourself. You have good and bad days, so that’s a sign that you’re healthy and processing the breakup at your own speed. This was your first relationship, so it will likely take you a little bit longer to let go of it.
Dumpees have to struggle now because they get rejected. Dumpers struggle later when the same thing happens to them. It’s not fair, but that’s how breakups are.
Hang in there, Mi!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there. I was in a relationship with my ex for six months and we hardly had any arguments. This was my first serious relationship and it’s been a year since the breakup and I haven’t fully let go.
In the first two months of dating, he would drive an hour to pick me up and take me on two dates or more a week. Later, I would stay over at his house for 3-4 days a week.
Everything seemed fine. He went out of the country for a family wedding and when he came back, he broke up with me.
I couldn’t understand what changed. I know that he didn’t meet anyone there so that’s not the reason. He said he couldn’t give his heart to me fully and that I deserve someone who can give me the love I wish for. He told me during his time away, he felt like he couldn’t see a future with me. I was thinking of the possibility for a life together. I am really struggling because this is my first heart break and I feel blindsided. He was telling me I was the perfect girlfriend and I didn’t do anything wrong. Could you help me to see what could have been the reason on his end? Also, how I can accept, heal, and move on? Thank you
Hi Sara.
He either didn’t like you or he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of something he recently went through. I think the former is more likely. He told you nice things and gave you a bunch of excuses because he didn’t want to hurt you. He didn’t have anything against you, but he also didn’t feel that he could stay committed to you.
6 months is not enough time to get to know someone fully. You were just starting to discover his negative traits. That’s why I understand why it’s so hard for you to accept the breakup. It’s also your first serious breakup.
You can move on by talking to a therapist, journaling, and learning why the breakup really happened. Telling yourself that the breakup happened for no reason isn’t the way forward. So find out what went wrong and accept it. Doing so will help you move forward once and for all.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey Thankyou so much for this article !
It makes sense now. I was with someone for almost 2 and half years who I loved deeply. We had a “long distance” relationship living 2 hours a part. We had an amazing connection at first, then in the last 6 months we saw each other a lot less like once a month. He suddenly became distant for the last two weeks of our relationship and then drove up to tell me he didn’t see a future with me at the moment, that the distance was the issue and that’s he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone etc. He also finally told me his family issues etc and how it doesn’t feel like we are a partnership and how I felt like more of a passenger and how it still felt a bit awkward because of the distance and us barely seeing each other etc etc. He kept on saying he still has love for me and wanted us to stay friends and then cried. 3 months after we broke up he slept with an “ex” from 2016…
Hi Kerryn.
The guy failed to communicate his problems and emotions, so he felt he was all alone. This led to detachment and ultimately, breakup. I think he wanted a physical relationship with anyone. It didn’t matter who it was. That’s why he went back to one of his exes.
You can do better than him, Kerryn. Stay away from him so you can get yourself back.
Best regards,
Zan
I dated my ex for about 6 months. We had an amazing connection and for the first 2 1/2 months we spent every spare moment together and thought about each other constantly. We logged hours on the phone. Stayed up all night snuggled on the couch just talked and laughing. We cooked together, we just enjoyed being together. We shared our life stories and just fit. Our major obstacle was he is 13 years younger. At first it didn’t seem to be an issue. We were at similar places in life (established careers, views on kids and similar goals and life outlook). He told me that he loved me and felt like he “FOUND” me. Then the but came….but he didn’t see how this can work out long term. We attempted to stop seeing each other a few times, but at first were miserable apart and always ended up talking again within a few days. Then He slowly pulled away over the next few months until we finally ended. I have been heartbroken. He became my best friend. We work together, but in different buildings, so we occasionally see each other in passing but contact is minimal. I have tried to just ‘disappear”. `I’ve spent time getting back to the gym, spent time with friends and family, journaled, cried and done anything I can to just accept this and move on. My self esteem was destroyed because I felt being “older” than him was his excuse, and that I was somehow unattractive or unviable. He was in a very long relationship before me (17 years) which ended 3 years ago. I was the first real involvement he had since that ended, so I know that played a role. I just don’t know what to make of all of it. I think I just have to accept it wasn’t mean to be and let him go. I feel like we are strangers now which is the saddest part.
Hi Jennifer.
Letting go is difficult as hell, but you need to let go. The guy had a lot of doubts about the relationship. He liked you but didn’t see how the age gap could work. That’s why he kept getting hot and cold until he gave up completely.
Nothing you can do right now but give him the space he asked for. His view of the relationship needs to change.
Best wishes,
Zan
Thanks you Zan for the reply. I know you are right. In doing my very best to stay in the present and look forward. There isn’t really anything else to be done.
I appreciate all of your articles. They provide an honest and real perspective!
You’re welcome, Jennifer.
You’ve got this!
Zan
Hey all. My boyfriend of about 1 year and I broke up about a month ago. He says it was due to not meeting my father yet (in my culture waiting until about a year in is the norm). I’m still pondering if this is the real reason or not, if it truly was the deal breaker. Overall he’s a loving, caring guy who is ambitious. He used the “don’t see a future line with me”. Curious what others thoughts might be? Thank you 🙂
Hi Kristineluque.
I think there were other issues he hasn’t told you about. This was just the excuse he used to justify his decision. If it bothered him so much, he would/could have told you about it and explained why it was so important to him.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thank you for the prompt response. Would this be a normal “deal breaker” issue in an relationship?
Hi Kris.
It certainly isn’t a normal dealbreaker. At least not here in the west.
Best,
Zan
My husband of 17 years has recently told me that he doesn’t see a future with me. I’m heart broken and don’t understand how this could happen. I’m not ready to just walk away, we have to much invested (3 kids all still in school), but I don’t know when enough is enough. I used to have a healthy attachment style but I’ve noticed it is morphing into an anxious one.
When I’ve asked him what is it about me that has changed his view, he says it’s nothing. All the negative qualities that I list (age, weight, looks, personality, etc.) he says those don’t apply, “you’re perfect.” I know that’s not true but it makes me think of the old cliché, “It’s not you, it’s me.” 😢
Hi Leslie.
You’ve become anxious due to your husband’s loss of feelings and desire to invest. This isn’t because you have an anxious attachment style but because he made you anxious. Also, I know you don’t want to let go of him, but you don’t have a choice. You can’t be in a relationship on your own. It requires two dedicated souls. At the moment, his heart isn’t in it. Something or someone has likely affected him.
Start no contact as soon as you can.
Sincerely,
Zan
Recently my ex and I broke up around 3 times in the span of 1 month. He first brought it up when I got mad and said I was gonna leave him for someone else and I think that pushed him away… ever since then he’s been doubting about our relationship
He kept running back to me every time after the break up.
We officially broke up around 6 days ago where we both called it quits.
I asked him why and he said that he wants to focus on himself right now and he doesn’t want me to be his distraction. He also mentioned that he didn’t see the future with me and he doesn’t see himself having kids because he’s not ready for it. What should I do? Do I take his words to heart? Does he mean it? Or is he saying hurtful things so I can let him focus on himself?
Hi Daisy.
He kept leaving because he came back due to guilt. To stay, he needed to appreciate you and fall back in love. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and let him focus on himself. He clearly feels smothered and is saying hurtful things because he feels annoyed.
Kind regards,
Zan
I have recently been dumped . We had a lot of conflicts but loved each other very much.we called it quits several times from my part as well as from his, Despite of everything that happened I feel devastated en can’t seem to let go, we were very close in these 3 years. Now that it’s over from his side I can’t seem to accept it. It’s very hard on me at times, sometimes I feel good en focus on myself but sometimes it came back n hit me hard. I find myself dwelling on the unseeable future, like he would eventually be with someone else etc, that thought just keep killing me. Can you provide some prospective on that. Thanks
Hi Ana.
You’re currently going through the detachment stages and are learning to accept the separation. You have to stay busy, distract yourself, and socialize as much as you can. Do whatever it takes to get your mind off the breakup and fall back in love with yourself. Rest assured that it’s perfectly normal to obsess over an ex for a few months or longer. The majority of dumpees go through this.
Best regards,
Zan
Also girls, never ever do anything that isn’t advantageous to you. Men are carnivorous amirite Zan?
Hi Claire.
Self-love is very important, but so is caring for others. Sometimes it can be difficult to find a healthy balance, but we’re all only human. We keep learning as we go.
Kind regards,
Zan
Jaycie, I know this is hard to hear—but in breakups sometimes the dumper (you in this instance), is actually the dumpee. He was just hanging around. Of course he didn’t want kids. Why? Because he was just slopping around, not really all that ambitious or driven about anything—am I right? You say he made bad career decisions yes? And he didn’t want children with you right? So he was just slopping around. No clear drive to succeed. If a man wants to reach all the milestones of manhood—good job, good father, he’s got to have the balls to do so. Your man was just down to clown. He didn’t give a rip about kids or a career or you. You dumped him for it, but guys like this are parasites. He’s actually the dumper. If he loved you of course he would’ve wanted everything in his paper that he could achieve. Love does that, it makes a man godlike when he loves. This man of yours is probably just fine slopping and burping around in his crappy little life, of course he’ll put on a show for your benefit, maybe sulk and act depressed, but this is who he is. Girl keep going—get tough and resilient because the world is full of men. You just have to find one with a spine.
*Meant to write “If he loved you he would’ve wanted to do everything in his power that he could achieve.”
Autotype strikes again!
Thanks Zan for this article. Please write an article about people that just skate in life—the slackers. The ones that exploit other people in the guise of a “relationship”. I would love to read what you have to say about identifying such opportunistic behavior early on when the sparks are flying.
Hi Claire.
I definitely need to write about that. But before I do, I need to research the topic a bit more.
Thanks for the suggestion!
Zan
So with this article, you helped me understand and remember the excuse my ex made. And now I know that he was lacked the skills to maintain our relationship. But what he did instead was leave when he needed to put in the effort the most.
And now you made me see the truth that is that his decision to split up has nothing to do with his predictions and plans for the future.
Thank you for proving me the million times that was a waste of time because his relationship mentality wasn’t going to allow him to grow and improve. It was too underdeveloped and lacked the stimulus to create the willpower and determination required to bond with me.
You are the best person to open, like really open the eyes.
I’m forever grateful that I found you and MOS blog 🤍
Hi Linda.
To put it simply, breakups happen because people aren’t ready for relationships. Your ex wasn’t ready for it either as he’d thought he could be happier with someone else. We don’t know what his relationship is like, but I can tell you that internally, he’s very similar if not the same as before when he was with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
You pretty much wrote what I was about to say. Ultimately all that matters is that he didn’t *want* the relationship. As hard as that is, there’s nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is find someone who does want the relationship, and is willing to put in the work and commitment required. Sigh
My problem with this post and others like it is that it attempts to convinces dumpees that the mistake lies entirely with the dumper. It doesn’t. Doubt in the future of a relationship can certainly precipitate a loss of feelings, but that doubt can come from a practical place. For example, I tried to make my ex see how he was damaging his own professional prospects and, with those, our future as a couple, but he didn’t listen and kept the same old habits. I tried to make him happy about the possibility of having children one day, but I knew he didn’t truly want them the way I did. I gave up because he gave me no choice.
I know what you mean, Jaycie.
But in your case, you were the one who wanted kids and he didn’t. You weren’t on the same page with him about some very important things. If you decide to go back to him, it needs to be because you’re okay with not having children. If children were the sole reason you broke up, then he could also one day realize he wants children and contact you to tell you he’s changed his mind. But I don’t think that was the only reason you broke up. From what I see, he didn’t improve much or fast enough, so you felt you had no choice but to abandon him. This means you felt underappreciated and perhaps even neglected.
Know that it’s okay to leave a person when you outgrow him. As Claire said, you may have dumped him but you were actually the dumpee because he cared way less than you.
Hang in there!
Zan