Many dumpees trust their intuition — a gut feeling that their ex will come back and that everything will go back to “normal.” Their bittersweet, yet convincing hope-instilling feeling in the stomach tells them to trust what they’re feeling and to expect their dumper to return to them soon.
But what those dumpees rarely realize is that they can’t see the future and that the way they feel doesn’t have anything nothing to do with them getting back with their ex. The strong emotions they feel are created entirely by their anxiety, pain, and overwhelming need for validation and love.
Dumpers think they can sense their ex coming back to them and that the universe is sending them signs, but in reality, they’re just struggling to accept the end of their relationship. They often even tell themselves that their relationship was healthy and look for reasons why the relationship should continue to exist.
Seldom do they think rationally and remember that their relationship ended for some reason they may not be aware of. I suppose dumpees are too emotional to see things from a different angle and acknowledge that no one is secretly sending them signs about their ex.
They’re all alone, which is why they look for supernatural explanations to justify their gut-wrenching separation anxiety and pain. Convincing themselves that their ex is coming back is easier as it eases their anxiety and helps them stay in control to some degree.
If you have a feeling about your ex coming back, you need to understand that if dumpers don’t have a feeling in their gut about getting back together that dumpees aren’t psychics either. They’re just in pain and wish to get rid of their pain by holding on to hope and regaining control.
Gut feelings are completely unrelated to an ex coming back and fixing what he or she broke.
So consider your ex’s lack of commitment and try to rationally understand that the gut feeling that your ex will come back was created by the pain your ex has caused you. Your ex crushed your heart, gave you tons of anxiety, ruined your self-esteem, and did so much damage that the only sensible thing you can do is cling to supernatural explanations for healing and think that your ex will realize your worth and come back.
This gut feeling, therefore, has nothing to do with your ex still loving you but rather with how much you want your ex back. The more you want your ex back, the more you’re hurting and want your ex to take the pain away.
If you aren’t aware of the cause of your hope, your anxiety will trick your brain into thinking that the universe is giving you signs that your ex will eventually come back when you’re actually the one responsible for your thoughts and beliefs and not some outer force.
If it weren’t for the post-breakup pain, you would have no gut feeling and expectations of your ex coming back. You would simply accept reality and let bygones be bygones.
This article is for dumpees who have a gut feeling that an ex will come back. We will clarify where this feeling comes from and what you can do to alleviate it.
Gut feeling that an ex will come back
If you have a gut feeling that an ex will come back, you need to understand that there are 2 reasonable explanations for feeling so hopeful about your ex coming back.
- Your ex has caused you a lot of anxiety and made you obsessed with him or her.
- You wish to stop hurting by expecting things to go the way you want them to go.
This implies that the gut feeling in your stomach is self-created by the thoughts that you feed your brain. If you feed it negative thoughts, you increase your pain and the feeling of your ex coming back. And if you stay distracted and feed it positive thoughts, you don’t experience much anxiety and hope.
You feel good with the way things are and can just focus on yourself.
So before you start trusting your gut feeling that an ex will return, please note that your anxious brain is trying to help you. It’s working overtime by searching for solutions that will ease your separation anxiety and improve your self-esteem.
Your brain is essentially dealing with the breakup stress by working extra hard to continually communicate with your conscious mind about various remedies to end your mental suffering.
The only problem is that it’s playing tricks on you by telling you exactly what you want to hear – that your ex will come back and that you won’t have to suffer much longer.
With that said, here’s what created the gut feeling that an ex will come back.
You feel that which you want the most
Since the abandonment has left you feeling hurt, depressed, angry, or vindictive, you want the biggest sensation in your gut to come true.
You want:
- your ex to come back
- see your ex fail in life and validate your importance
- have your ex notice your success and improvements
- see karma get your ex
- take revenge
- or move on from your ex, never hear from your ex again, or forgive and forget about your ex
Whatever you expect to get from your ex, you’re hoping to get it soon so that you can deal with the breakup stress quickly and efficiently.
You basically want to feel better, so you’re imagining all sorts of positive outcomes that have a soothing effect on you.
But such thoughts, unfortunately, don’t help you detach from your ex. On the contrary, they keep you in denial and attached to your ex for as long as they are present.
Try not to pin your hopes on the gut feeling in your stomach for your ex coming back because you’re an ordinary human being. You don’t possess the supernatural ability to tell how the future will unfold.
The gut feeling that an ex will come back is entirely anxiety-driven and self-created.
Expectations vs reality
If there’s anything that makes the post-breakup recovery difficult, it’s false hope and high expectations. Strong beliefs that an ex will come back disorient dumpees and prevent them from getting back on their feet.
Breakups tend to have such effects on dumpees as they delay their healing, temporarily traumatize dumpees, and make them develop fears and trust issues.
So whenever you have thoughts and gut feelings about your ex returning to you, keep in mind that you’re merely trying to heal from your traumatic experience. You’re hurting from the pain your ex has caused you, so your brain is trying to help you reduce that pain and put you back in control of your life.
There’s nothing wrong with having these gut feelings. But try not to let them convince you that they’re carrying some encryped message about your ex coming back in the future. You need to accept that the relationship has ended and avoid ideas that suggest otherwise.
How to accept reality and let go of high expectations?
Positive thinking, therapy, improving yourself as a person, getting over your ex, and time on its own will help you get rid of hope and high expectations.
Prioritizing yourself and your happiness will prepare you for an independent lifestyle and allow you to live how you lived before you met your ex. You just need to want to get out of denial, and sooner than later, you will. You’ll realize that your ex is unimportant and that your life will go on regardless of what your ex thinks and feels about you.
So don’t think that your ex is the best you ever had and ever will have and that you’ll never let go of your ex. That would make your moving on extremely difficult as it would tell you exactly the opposite of what you need to hear.
The truth is that it’s only a matter of time before you completely detach and forget about your ex.
You’ll soon gather the strength to lower your expectations and avoid saying or doing things that would make you start desiring your ex again. You’ll do it out of respect for your health and to protect your image and pride.
Some dumpees don’t get over their ex for years. But that’s because they don’t try to detach properly. Instead of detaching, they stay laser-focused on their ex and keep hoping their ex will return. Such dumpees waste years of their lives as they put their life on hold for someone who doesn’t deserve them and want them.
Normally, they don’t even realize that hope is a bad thing when it comes to breakups and that they could be doing more productive things with their life.
Let go of the past
Dumpees who refuse to let go of their ex don’t learn that breakups happen for a reason. They like to think that the breakup could have been avoided if they were just a bit more caring and attentive. The truth though is that an ex becomes an ex because he or she has given up.
The dumper developed unhealthy opinions of the dumpee and left the dumpee to be independent and free to do anything his or her heart desires. This includes drinking, partying, and dating other people.
So don’t think that you could have changed your ex’s mentality just by saying or doing a few things differently. To avoid breaking up, your ex needed to perceive you much differently and grow a lot. And if you did something really bad that caused the breakup, then the breakup also needed to happen.
The breakup is your lesson to be more self-aware, in control of your actions, and caring towards others.
There was no other way for you to learn and improve. This is especially true if your ex communicated to you that certain things bothered him or her.
In any case, you need to accept the present situation and let go of the past. Letting go will free you from unrealistic expectations and help you regain your independence.
Are gut feelings always wrong?
When it comes to relationships, gut feelings aren’t always wrong.
They often help us determine whether:
- we need to better our perception of our partner/ourselves
- we should work on ourselves and our shortcomings
- our relationship is healthy and we’re happy
- our partner is lying, cheating, or manipulating us
- the relationship isn’t as it was or as it should be
These are the positives of our gut feelings in a relationship. They help us detect that something’s wrong or out of the ordinary.
But don’t become too reliant on them just yet. Just as the gut feeling that an ex will come back can be deceiving, so can the gut feeling in the relationship.
The reason why it’s sometimes inaccurate is that it’s created by anxiety – insecurities. And as you probably know, insecurities can make us believe things that aren’t necessarily true. It depends on the kinds of things happening around us.
Anxiety in the relationship can make us:
- accuse our partner of cheating, lying, not loving us, etc.
- demand more attention from our partner
- lose our self-control and act on instinct
- say and do things we don’t mean
So what do you do when you have a gut feeling about an ex, your partner, or anyone?
Since the gut feeling is merely a feeling, the best tip I can give you is to always think rationally before you act. Always ask yourself whether thinking this or doing that is logically the best thing for you to do.
You should soon realize that when you ask yourself important questions that you’re able to determine whether your intentions are rational or emotional.
If they’re rational, you’ll do what you think is right and execute the well-thought-out plan. And contrarily, if your intentions are emotional, you’ll be put through a test.
You’ll immediately be tested for maturity, emotional strength, self-control, willpower, and perseverance. The difficulty of overcoming your temptations will depend on how much importance you’ve put on your task.
For example, if your task is starting the indefinite no contact rule and you’re not ready to leave your ex alone, then you’ll likely struggle to fight your gut feeling about your ex.
You’ll probably want to go with an alternative option and make things easier for yourself by breaking no contact and indirectly asking for validation.
No matter what your gut feeling tells you, I suggest that you talk to someone who’s been through a breakup before and knows that reaching out to an ex is a bad idea.
Do you have a gut feeling that your ex will come back? Feel free to describe this gut feeling in the comments section below.
However, if you prefer to talk about it privately, check out our coaching options here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Had a 3-years long relationship that ended quite badly with cheating and the new person being involved even before the actual end. I was completely devasted, went to no contact (my ex blocked me after a few attempts to reason that we should be together) and started to research breakups and narcissists. After 7 months, I was still hoping that my ex will come back and it happened. We got back together for 3 months and I ended it because he was cheating all the time. He went back to the previous partner (we kept contact) and their relationship lasted another year. After that, they broke up and my ex again reached out to me with a kind of breadcrumb that we could get back together. We agreed to go slow and we dated for a year or so. Then my ex did the same thing as at the beginning, leaving for someone else. Now I want to completely detach, however cannot let go of the hope as I also have proof that it happened and I hope it will happen again and in the end, we will be happy togheter. How to let this go?
Hi Martin.
Some people never learn. They make the same mistakes over and over again and in doing so, guarantee their demise. You can let this go by cutting your ex off for good. You gave your ex more chances than he deserved, so it’s time to end things and find someone who is loyal.
Best,
Zan
I meet a former classmates and we had an instant attraction. She was going through a divorce from an alcoholic husband and my girlfriend was in a nursing home recovering from a stroke which or love had faded. We had great chemistry and always had the best time with each other. It felt like magic something I never experienced. After a year her ex husband died and she broke her ankle. She could never get over his death which caused depression that got worse and worse. She finally ended our relationship which killed me. But my gut always said we should be together. This just happened so we’ll see what happens. Considering it was neither our fault hopefully things will work out.
Hi Jerry.
This person needs time to pull herself out of depression. You mustn’t pressure her or she’ll need even more space. So for now, stop interacting with her and let her figure out what she wants.
Sincerely,
Zan
I have the opposite gut feeling. That my ex WON’T come back. Now, to be fair I have absolutely nothing to base that on. In reality probably my chances are no better or worse than anyone else.
This article reminds me a bit of a video Rory did on his Love Chat channel about basically do exes come back when you’ve moved on. Kind of a similar premise that you can control what your ex does by doing something. He rejected that argument. Yes, of course there are times exes contact you after you’ve moved on. That’s simple math. It happens. But he said he’s known plenty of cases where exes have come back when the person still wants them back, and others that never come back.
While I don’t reject Law of Attraction type arguments, I’m more skeptical about such things. Yes, I do think there is some psychic connection between people and around people. But I never thought it’s something we have any real direct control over. In fact. from how I understand it if you try to force something with the LOA it does the opposite.
The best advice I’ve heard here and good YouTube channels is No Contact unless they reach out to you first. And work on yourself. Honestly look at mistakes you did make with your ex. None of us are perfect. Make yourself the best version of yourself. If your ex does make a return that’ll increase your chances of a successful relationship the next go around. If not, then you’ll have better future relationships. Either way you win.
On the flip side nothing would be worse than doing nothing, not improving. And your ex does come back and you have another breakup because nothing has changed (this time probably for good). Or you end up broken up with someone else because the same problems happened.
Hi Damian.
Being hopeless is better than hopeful. If you feel that she won’t come back, rest assured that you have the right mindset as you’re allowing yourself to detach, heal, and move on. Try to stay hopeless and great things will happen to you, Damian. You’ll have no expectations of your ex, so you’ll be much more confident and attractive.
Best,
Zan
Greetings!! Firstly, thanks for creating this website Zan.
My situation is something like this: I’m based in the city of Wuhan(China) & am British/Canadian. From last 16 months , I was in relationship with a Russian girl, who happens to have quite a bubblacious personality. From November, 2019, I’m embroiled in legal suit with my own father over the issue of property and his treatment towards me in my childhood. Since this was quite traumatic for me , so I thought of telling this to her once the final verdict of court is delivered which was supposed to be on January,20th,2020. So, technically i didn’t tell this to my GF in the beginning not because i wasn’t in love with her, just because I didn’t want to stress her. And then five days before the court verdict she left for holiday with her sister to Thailand & Malaysia..I couldn’t go due to my work in Wuhan. A week into the holiday, coronavirus happened and wuhan went into lockdown and then it became pandemic… due to which she cannot enter China as of now and I’m stuck in wuhan….then she is in Russia, I told her over the call that my relationship with my father isn’t in good shape and I didn’t share this with you in the beginning for so and so.reason….. She said you have a photo with your father, I said yes, I do but it doesn’t mean that we are on good terms. And also my name is very long, so both my passports have an endoresement explaining my name. She saw that even before I could explain it and told me that I’m not who I’m telling her. It has been 5 months since I last saw her in person..we used to talk everyday till the last week of May and then text on and off basis……… She also lost her job and has no money with for her own use, her mother who’s a pensioner in Russia is helping till she’s not back to china which could be atleast till November,2020. Last time when we spoke of relationship, she told me “She will talk with me when she’s ready.” and also ” She hasn’t blocked me on social media and if I do send her text regarding her visa situation in China, then she replies after 3 hours.” ……………. she told to our mutual friend that “she likes and respects me but doesnt want to talk about it now.” Im giving her benefit of doubt and space : since its pandemic..job uncertainty and no money……Long Distance Relationship with me and not knowing when will it end…… over-analyzing the situations…………Im giving her space by not contacting her until unless its not about her legal status….as I’m a lawyer working in Wuhan(China) in field of Corporate law & Patent law.
Any help or direction given my situation, would be highly welcomed and I would forever be obliged to you for this kind deed of yours.
Regards,
Sayyed Avigdor.
What if the “ex” isn’t just merely a girlfriend, but your wife? Granted we were only married 5 years and have no kids, but it’s not so easy to just walk away from a marriage and life you’ve been building together…
Hey Zan
Me and my LDR ex gf broke up with me 4 months ago,we were in a relationship for over 3 years and soon I can come every weekend to her.At first she seemed emotional and unsure about stuff,but then I begged and pleaded for 2 weeks then I tried to have a rational talk with her in some weekends,but she eventually got mad and all that stuff and I went No Contact since the end of November,only broke it on New Year Eve to apologize for my immaturity and the wrong doings and bid my farewell.However,I heard that she felt bad for what she said to me and did not mean so say anything bad about me,and she actually asked how I was.Any thoughts?She’s not dating anyone for sure.
Hi Zan, hope you had a good christmas and new years. I love your site – so much helpful information.
I had a relationship end approx 3 weeks ago. We were only together for five months, but it was the most fulfilling relationship i’ve ever had. I’m 40; and he 41. We instantly clicked & I’ve never experienced chemistry on this level before. We both felt it – we discussed it many times. We had so much fun together and always made each other laugh. We made many happy memories. We spent many late nights talking and he really bared his soul to me. He had a rough upbringing and lost both parents. I sensed he was quite insecure; but he seemed to trust me. He told me I made him feel special. Then one night, I made a joke, and my partner took it the wrong way. He misinterpreted the joke and thought that I had made fun of an insecurity of his. He got up and left abruptly. I was really confused & wasn’t sure why he was so upset. He ignored me for a day or two, then finally told me why he was so upset. I got defensive, because I was upset that he thought i made made the joke at his expense; which wasn’t true. Eventually however I ended up apologising.
But since that night; things just weren’t the same. All the warmth disappeared from his messages; communication was cold. I tried so hard to pull him back, but nothing seemed to work. I really feel that he resented me from that moment onwards & started seeing me in a negative way. He just didn’t trust me anymore. It broke my heart. Things that used to find endearing about me, now seemed to annoy him.
One night I tried to reconnect with him, by asking him some deep questions about his childhood, like I had done in the beginning of our relationship. He told me that he found my questions too blunt and that he worried i might use the information against me. He related this fear back to his childhood trauma and trust issues. I got defensive and accused him of not trusting me, which then started an argument. We ended up not speaking to each other for a few days. When we did talk, it was only to argue again. He said I was too defensive and wasn’t listening to him. We agreed to end the relationship. I was devastated, but I didn’t fight it, I let him walk away.
On Christmas day, he left gifts on my doorstep. The note he’d bought the gifts before we broke up, and wanted me to have them, because he remembered how I threw him such a wonderful birthday. I took this as a sign that he wanted to reconcile, and so I reached out. But he didn’t want to see me; in fact he told me to have a great year in 2020. I’m heartbroken. I keep going back to that night & replaying the events over and over in my head….. I wish I had never made that joke, but I really feel like I was misunderstood and that kicked off a chain of events which lead to our breakup. Before that night; everything was amazing.
A week after our break up, I heard that he was on Tinder & dating again.
I’m now in no contact mode. Any suggestions or observations? I would really appreciate some advice, thanks.
Sorry Zan – I should add that when we broke up; I told him that if he ever changed his mind, then I always have time for him and that he can contact me. I have also been doing a lot of self development since the break up. I’ve been reading about attachment theory and working on conflict resolution. I’ve really taken what he said about me on board. But the problems he identified only became apparent after that night of misunderstanding; so I do wonder whether that’s him projecting onto me. In any case, moving forward, I think I will be better equipped to deal with conflict in personal relationships.
Melissa, your story resonates with me. I am in a similar situation. I was with her for 5 months and it was wonderful. We made plans for our future and both felt it was our turn for happiness after both having a difficult past. One Sunday evening I send a message, just seeking a tiny bit of reassurance she was still ok that we didn’t get to see each other much due to work commitments at the time. All I wanted was to hear she was ok with it still. Instead it sent her into a tailspin! She thought I wasn’t happy and said that I was making her feel guilty. She seemed to recover for a couple of days but then just ended things on the Wednesday. Saying she wasn’t ready. I think that like your guy, she was on an emotional knife edge and something, sooner or later, was going to tip her. My message did for me, your joke for you. If they are not able and ready then I guess it’s going to show up some how sooner or later. I’ve looked into attachment trauma theory too, as I struggle SO HARD to cope with the break up. Started well, but pestered her New Years Eve/ Day and am now blocked 🙁 I am starting hypnotherapy next week in a bid to heal. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Good luck.
Glen
Wow these stories are what I’ve been experiencing since the end of July. The girl I live came back after rebound treated her bad and dumped her. I thought finally now is my chance I had read so many relationship books so if I ever got the opportunity with her again I would be ready and not screw it up. But I think she was really devastated after our breakup then she said she tried to move on and she got dumped and was shattered. She blows up about insignificant things and blames me. Not the same person I knew for a year. The best relationship both of us ever had. So I’m really lost and confused now. It’s been a terrible few months because I’ve been on eggshells. Really at this point I just want her happy as hard as it is to say even if its without me I really love this girl that much. I hope she can find peace and I feel tremendous guilt for maybe kick starting the whole situation which led to her being so destroyed now. Not sure what to do next. Please help if anyone could give advice.
Wow this is what I am going through exactly now….. :/ it’s so hard to stay focus that’s it’s overt
I’ve come to realize no contact means help myself first and foremost and the further away I get from my break up the more I realize it happened for the best. My original intention with nc was to try and get her back, but my healing happened and took precedent over getting her back.If it never happens, so be it ,I will be stronger and healthier.
Same experience for me. I used NC to get her back but I worked hard on myself and read lots of books and did some other changes. Now I don’t even think I’ll hear from her and I’m okay with it. It’s been almost five months since she moved out. It was very sad but at least it makes us grow.