Do you suspect that your ex has left you because of the grass is greener syndrome or GIGS for short?
If your ex got GIGS, your ex has taken you for granted and started valuing or wanting something else. It was probably someone else because your ex fell out of love with you and wanted to feel stronger emotions with some other person.
Even though your ex knew nothing about the new person and may not even have taken an interest in someone new yet, your ex thought that he or she can be happier now and in the future. That’s why your ex decided to abandon the relationship and started anew with a complete stranger who could potentially make your ex feel infatuated again.
If your ex got the grass is greener syndrome, you mustn’t blame yourself for this. Even if you made mistakes throughout the relationship, you must remind yourself that everyone does and that couples are supposed to work on them together.
It’s why they commit to each other.
If you look for reasons to blame yourself, you’ll be hurting yourself on purpose while your ex is happily exploring other options and trying to move on and forget about you. You’ll be making the breakup difficult for yourself, and that’s the worst thing you could do.
You need to focus on the part where your ex got GIGS and left you to chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If you do that, you’ll understand that the breakup had very little (if anything at all) to do with you. It didn’t occur because you weren’t good enough but because your ex thought the wrong things, started craving them, and lost interest in you.
In this article, we’ll talk about the grass is greener syndrome and help you respond in ways that prevent your ex from feeling pressured and disrespected.
What is the grass is greener syndrome?
Human beings are biologically wired to always want more out of life. We constantly desire less drama, more money, a better lifestyle, and more fulfilling relationships. There’s nothing wrong with wanting our life to keep improving and being as good as it can be.
The problem is that people often get tired of things that are stagnant and repetitive. We take those things for granted because they’re always there and don’t challenge us and make us feel the desire or need to invest in them. Those things can become boring and expendable to us if we don’t find a way to raise their importance in our eyes.
How do we raise their importance?
First of all, we must become conscious that just about everything in life requires effort. Without awareness and effort, you can have decent relationships with people and you’ll still grow apart, outgrow each other, and eventually lose interest. This happens because (romantic) relationships need nurturing.
They need both parties to invest time and effort in each other and make sure that their thoughts and beliefs are healthy and tolerant toward differences. What’s even more important, however, is that couples practice gratitude. If they frequently tell each other how they feel and most importantly, what they like about each other, they can feel important to each other and grow or maintain their bond.
But to practice gratitude, they must be on the same emotional wavelength. This means they must get along and have common short-term and long-term goals. Healthy behavioral patterns and goals can keep them grounded and on the same page.
Couples who don’t see eye to eye don’t necessarily break up, but they have a much higher chance of being disappointed with each other and calling it quits when something or someone more tempting comes along.
No relationship has a 100% chance of success as that would indicate that both parties are fully developed, committed, and resistant to doubts, fears, and temptations. But you don’t need to worry about that as long as you and your partner are grateful, open-minded, expressive, and reassuring.
You must both tell each other about how you feel and what you want and do your best to invest in each other as selflessly as possible.
Why does the grass is greener syndrome happen?
Now that your ex has left because of the grass is greener syndrome, you need to know that GIGS happens to many people. It happens to those who don’t get along and even to those who do. A non-argumentative relationship may be healthy, but it’s not enough to avoid the grass is greener syndrome.
That’s because many healthy relationships consist of a person who is emotionally inexpressive (holding emotions inside or hiding them from his or her partner). Such a person is much more prone to developing resentments, fears, doubts, etc. without his or her partner’s awareness. In other words, the man or woman is much more likely to leave when thoughts that his or her partner isn’t good enough arise.
So if you think that the grass is greener syndrome occurs only in unhealthy, dysfunctional, or miserable relationships, you’re mistaken. GIGS happens to all types of couples. But it tends to happen more to those couples who stopped watering the relationship and making it interesting.
GIGS happens more to couples who don’t listen to each other’s needs and wants and to those who lack the patience and understanding to adapt to each other. Couples like that oftentimes derail their relationship and wait for someone else (or the thought of someone else) to save them from the lack of direction they got themselves into.
The grass is greener syndrome especially affects those couples who live a habitual life. Those couples get comfortable in their relationship after the infatuation stage, so they stop putting their best foot forward and doing things that bring them closer.
Many couples argue instead of looking for reasons to bond, and by doing so, increase their emotional distance and worsen their mutual understanding.
I talk about couples neglecting the relationship in plural form, but one person not paying attention to the relationship is enough for that person to detach and fall out of love. Whether this happens, of course, depends on how good his or her relationship mentality and commitment are.
If they’re very good, a person can overcome a few doubts and issues in the relationship very easily. But if they’re not that good, then that person may entertain doubts and unpleasant thoughts and emotions longer than someone who’s very committed.
This is important to understand so that you know that people’s loyalties to relationships differ.
To reiterate what we just discussed, here are 5 instances when the grass is greener syndrome hits couples the most frequently.
My ex left me because of the grass is greener syndrome
If your ex has left you because of GIGS, your ex stopped seeing your worth and fell out of love. He or she gave up completely and hopes to find someone (or focus on someone) who could make him or her feel stronger emotions than you.
That person needs to be better than you in most aspects and make your ex feel that monkey-branching was worth it.
The truth is that at first, your ex’s monkey-branching will definitely feel good. It will feel fulfilling even if your ex’s new partner is an abusive narcissistic drug addict. New couples tend to ignore warning signs of a bad relationship because they’re in love. They can’t see things that rational people see as they only focus on each other’s best sides.
They normally need a few months to reveal their true colors and stop pretending to be someone they’re not. That’s when they lose their patience with each other and show how they deal with incompatibilities, power issues, and much-needed adjustments.
Limerence only lasts as long as people don’t know each other because that’s when emotions are the strongest. Once couples get used to each other, things get a lot more serious and may take a turn for the worse. So don’t think that the person your ex dates is going to be perfect and that they’ll have it easy.
If you didn’t have it easy, your ex and his or her new partner won’t either. They’ll likely experience issues of some kind—and you won’t even know about it. That’s how it should be. What your ex does after getting the grass is greener syndrome is not your business.
All that matters is that you let your ex run around while you focus on trying to recover as quickly as possible.
Keep in mind that when your ex leaves because of the grass is greener syndrome that your ex started going through the grass is greener syndrome stages. He or she will have to go through all 4 of them before your ex can regret breaking up with you and come back.
Even though the grass is greener syndrome sounds like some kind of mental illness, the truth is that dumpers let it happen. They don’t invest in themselves and their partner enough, so they focus on the bad parts of the relationship and start craving the things the relationship is lacking from other people.
If you were abusive and didn’t change, your ex probably got tired of arguing and had a good reason to pull away and be happy. But if you weren’t harming anyone, then your ex just gave up when negative thoughts brainwashed your ex.
You can prevent GIGS but you can’t stop it once it’s happened!
Many victims of GIGS blame themselves for their ex’s GIGS. They tell themselves things like, “I should have been more patient, caring, and self-aware” and end up increasing their suffering. Although they certainly should have been more mindful of themselves, their ex, and the relationship, they didn’t singlehandedly cause the dumper to give up.
Dumpers give up when they develop the belief that they can be happier on their own or with someone else. That’s when they paint a black picture of their partner, break up, and stop themselves from going back on leaving their ex.
You need to understand that the grass is greener syndrome could have been prevented but that it needed a lot of work from both sides. Both you and your ex needed to combine efforts and identify your problems before they got out of control.
There’s no use in beating yourself up over your mistakes now as you likely wouldn’t have fixed all relationship lackings on your own even if you picked up on them early. Your ex would still be the same person inside, and would ignore the need to reflect and invest in parts of the relationship that needed the most work.
Now that your ex got GIGS and is doing who knows what, you mustn’t bother your ex with things your ex doesn’t want to be bothered with. Reasoning with your ex and staying your ex’s friend is going to make things worse as it’s going to pressure your ex and prevent your ex from enjoying the grass is greener syndrome.
So leave your ex completely alone. Your ex chose to go separate ways and you must let him/her. Remind yourself that only your ex can stop GIGS and that you need to look after yourself now. Your ex won’t be able to help you if he or she feels elated.
This is especially true if your ex is dating someone else already and ignored you or blocked you.
Is the grass always greener?
Right after the breakup, your ex strongly believes that he or she can do better. Your ex feels extremely relieved and excited, so there’s not much (if any) regret at all.
But as time goes on and your ex stops feeling empowered by the breakup, your ex is going to become more rational. He or she won’t want you back, but your ex will see that the way he or she handled the breakup may not have been the healthiest.
When that happens, your ex will probably contact you and try to obtain your forgiveness.
For your ex to see your worth, though, your ex will have to do a lot of exploring. He or she will likely have to date someone totally opposite of you and try his or her luck with that person. If your ex has a decent relationship or about as good a relationship as yours was, your ex won’t come back because swapping for something so similar won’t be worth the trouble.
Your ex will come back only if your ex fails to connect with another person and realizes that you are still the best option for your ex. Bear in mind that your ex won’t have an epiphany if you beg and plead with your ex for weeks. Your ex will think that you’ll drain his or her energy after getting back together and that you’ll make the relationship very unproductive.
You must understand that exes come back to feel stronger and better. They need help because they’re in pain and need a strong shoulder to rely on. If you’re weak, it’s unlikely that your ex will see you as a boyfriend/girlfriend potential.
It could happen, but it likely won’t as your ex won’t be able to gain anything from you.
So show your ex that you respect yourself and that you have better things to do than to stay fixated on an ex who got the grass is greener syndrome and needs to date other people to discern your worth.
Since your ex has GIGS, bear in mind that your ex is constantly looking for reasons to justify his or her decision for leaving and staying away from you. You mustn’t give your ex that reason or your ex will have an even harder time coming back even if something goes wrong.
The way you act after the breakup could determine whether your ex respects you and sees you as someone he or she can benefit from in the future. So go no contact with your ex and avoid making your ex feel uncomfortable. Stay away from your ex even if you fear that your ex is moving on and not thinking about you.
No contact is not for the faint-hearted. It requires a lot of strength and determination but it also makes you look as appealing as it can.
The grass is greener syndrome stages
A GIGS breakup tends to take dumpees by surprise. It appears out of nowhere and forces them to start detaching and rebuilding themselves.
Dumpers, on the other hand, go through different stages. They go through the dumper stages as well as the grass is greener stages. Here are the GIGS stages.
1)Absolute conviction
The first stage of GIGS for the dumper is the absolute conviction stage. In this stage, dumpers are convinced that they can do much better and that they can be much happier with someone else. Because of such beliefs, they forget about their ex-partner for a while and focus fully on enjoying their lives.
2)Exploration
After the conviction stage comes the exploration stage. In this stage of the grass is greener syndrome, dumpers explore other options, date others, party hard, and enjoy their life to the fullest.
To others, they appear extremely satisfied with the breakup and seem not to care about their ex.
3)Reality
After dumpers have had the chance to explore their options, they stop feeling relieved and ecstatic. They still want to stay broken up, of course, but they see reality for what it is and become less emotion-driven.
4)Regret
The last state of the grass is greener syndrome is the regret stage. As the name suggests, the dumper regrets his or her decision and wants what he or she had before the breakup.
Since he or she is unhappy, the dumper again craves intimacy and love from the dumpee and is prepared to do anything to feel supported and understood. Not all dumpers become regretful, but those who do tend to come running back and apologize for acting on impulse.
The grass is greener syndrome timeline
The time it takes for an ex to come back greatly depends on the dumper’s emotional state. If the dumper is sad, alone, and miserable, he or she gets to the regret stage much quicker than someone who’s perfectly happy and not thinking about getting back with the dumpee.
It takes some people a month and others much longer to get through all the stages. If I had to guess, I’d say the average time it takes for GIGS to end is about 4 months after the breakup. 4 months tends to be enough for dumpers to get to know someone else and encounter issues with him or her.
Whatever you do, don’t wait for your ex to explore other options and fail. If you wait, you could be waiting for a very long time. And a very long time is what you don’t have. You must keep moving forward with your life so you don’t get stuck in the past and keep obsessing over your ex and his/her new partner.
Is your ex experiencing the grass is greener syndrome? Tell us about your ex’s GIGS by commenting below.
And if you want to talk to us about it, subscribe to 1-on-1 coaching with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Thank you so much for all of these writings. I found them randomly when searching for reassurance. It’s nice to find when all there is today in the relationship sphere is full on feminist misandry or defensive misogyny; nothing that is realistic about the behaviors of men and women in all of these different situations. I’m currently suffering from my ex going through GIGS and myself in the panic stages of no contact, and all of your posts have helped me. Everything I have gathered is that my ex loves me but doesn’t want to accept she loves me for whatever reason. She’s even outright said it to me. We’ve already been on and off a few times and no matter what she has thought about me and even stalked me every single day despite some of the things we have said. I kept reigniting the relationship too soon each time I think before she really self reflected each time she has left. I have to be strong and tell myself she has to learn, and by the time she does and she comes to me, I will see if I feel she deserves my love considering she needed to put us through all that. She has problems that are not her fault which is why she doubts her feelings and is so conflicted, and that’s why I’m so sympathetic, but she has to learn if our relationship is going to work. I’m confident she will come back to me even as she goes ok dates with someone else, I know she loves me and has brainwashed herself into thinking I’m not the right one just because she had preconceived fantasies about the “right one.” And she won’t be able to stop thinking about me even with someone new, unless he really does turn out to be Disney’s prince charming, cause I know I was already providing more than possible that most other men have ever offered her. And as you have pointed out, if it doesn’t work out that way, all I am learning and accepting myself is that no matter how much I love her, she has shown me that I’m not worth it apparently, and that makes her not worth it for me. It hurts and makes me so sad.
Hi Kyle.
Your ex has developed doubts. And doubts prevent her from being with you. This is because she’s convinced herself the relationship isn’t the right one for her. Don’t try to change her mind anymore. Let her reflect on her own. If she does, she might realize your worth and put the effort in. And if she doesn’t, at least you’ll know she can’t grow into the person you need her to be.
Whether she has problems or not doesn’t matter. She could have dealt with problems with you. She chose not to, so let her do that.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex left me for GIGS. We dated for four months and the first two were great. We went a little too fast in the relationship but no signs of issues until we had sex for the first time. I started to have issues with very low to Non-existing sex drive. First she thought it was her and later we discussed it was definitely me. My insecurities started to hit me hard thinking that I would never please her. Later she started to pull back and begin to Sabotage our relationship. You just started picking fights and created distance. No handholding besides some kissing and of course sex was now gone. I ended up breakup with her three times due to her behavior and my insecurities. She ended up gaslighting me and talking to another man. The first two times I broke up with her she asked to take me back but without any real fixes to the problem. The last time I broke up with her is because she dismissed me and acted guilty. I question her actions and she gaslighted me and hung me up. She later called to tell me that we needed to fix this again but ended up telling me that we will not workout. I was lost and never received any validation on why we broke up.
So her a month and a half later she would play games and reach out. A phone call with us making out to dismissing me all over again. She is dating and most likely was talking to someone before I broke it off. So the truth is never that simple and isn’t warranted a response like over analyzing and Occupying this hurt and frustration.
I thought I had Ed but later found out it was low Libido. For some weird reason my testosterone isn’t being supplied to me like it should and has caused me to have no sex drive and other issues. However, I ended up having testosterone replacement and all was fix. I now can have sex again without all those letdowns and insecurities. It felt like Christmas and I was able to build that more secure version of my self.
Oh boy this small four month relationship hurt badly for some weird reason. This did however gave enough understanding to see what I was doing wrong and why I let this person to treat me horribly. I now can have a relationship without a fear I would and could satisfy her. If I mess up the next relationship at least it will not be due to my sex drive.
Hi Zan,
GIGS describes my situation perfectly. In this case, i was the dumper and now i am in the regret phase in the 5 stages of breakup for the dumper, which was also perfectly written.
Do you have any tips so that this will not happen again?
Thank you
Hi Pete, I was wondering how long did each phase last for you?
Hi Zan
We were exclusive and then we broke up because he just wanted to be friends. I started NC and he started partying. There are a lot of women after him and a lot of women he’s after. 2 weeks after the breakup he starts reaching out but I didn’t respond until another 2. By that time, he’s packed his bags and had moved 3 states away. We started texting again but I was wary because of all the women on SM. He claimed to be missing me and then started suggesting an FWB relationship. I told him I still stand firm with being exclusive. He apologized and said he respected me. Week later, which was tonight, he asked if we can start over and then almost immediately changed his mind and said we should just be platonic friends because he didn’t know if he’s going to get distracted. I am so confused.
Hello Zan,
I’m in 23rd day of No Contact from my LDR ex boyfriend. He has this grass is greener syndrome cause he chose a girl who is nearer to him (nearer country). Will the NC work on LDR like this? or This may fade his feelings to me all the more. I’m quite afraid to be honest.
Thank you.
Bebeth
Update?
Hi! This post explains so much about my recent break up (5 weeks ago).
Both young (20-25), together for 6 years
She broke off with me seemingly out of the blue and had another guy lined up (for 1 week)
She gave mixed messages in the first couple weeks after BU
She gave so many different reasons for the BU (I love you but not in love with you, need to find myself, want to experience things, want to date around etc.) like she was grasping at straws trying to convince herself or justify why
We had recently moved in to a new house together (big commitment) and was talking about getting married and our future
Since the BU she has gone out partying and getting drunk and doing things she used to hate
The new guy she is dating is the complete opposite to me
Wanting to remain friends (I declined)
She has been cold and emotionless to me since the BU, even saying she doesn’t miss me, wants me to move on, and that she feels nothing when she looks at me. This all changed so quickly as even as little as two weeks before the BU we were talking about marriage, we were buying new things for the house, planning holidays next year, telling eachother we loved eachother etc.
We’re now in NC and I plan to stay this way. I’m also working on improving myself for me and getting on with living my best life.
Do you think that the timeline of regret or reaching out will change because she is with this new guy? (They are official now and she is posting him all over social media declaring that they are in love after just 5 weeks of knowing eachother, spend a LOT of time together, introduced him to her family in the 1st week etc. and moving very fast).
Also as I am in NC, I have come off of social media to avoid seeing photos of them together. Have been off social media for about 3 weeks. Should I continue to post on social media while in NC or should I leave it? (She still follows me on all platforms).
I’m in the exact same situation, instead of living together, we were looking at apartments to live in. But almost down to the T. Keep strong Brother. I’m also 2 weeks behind you. Keep me informed if you wish. We got this.
Trust me. Which ever come fast, it will go fast. It will be for the case of your ex.
I’m in a similar situation. Was with my ex for over 1 year and we were talking about our future together (Marriage, Kids, House, etc.). Suddenly, almost out of the blue, she said she just wanted to end it because she wasn’t ready for commitment or a long-term relationship. Like you, even the week before she was saying she loved me, that she was fully committed to us, etc. There is an age gap between us, she is 21 and I am 32. I started no Contact following the weekend of the breakup, and am in week 3 now. I’m still struggling at this point with missing her, our life together, and all the plans we had, but it is getting a bit better each day. I feel like this is GIGS. The fear mentioned in this article aligns with what she said about commitment. Also, seeing as we are still going through this self-quarantine situation we have been shut-in at the house for awhile. I’m hoping that she will realize how valuable the relationship was and come back. I am willing to work on anything she feels we lack of course, I don’t wish to portray myself as perfect. I just wish she would have given us a chance to change rather than just ending it suddenly and unexpectedly.
I would be prepared to move on or change your expectations because based on her age there’s a maturity issue. She’s too young. Think about when you were 21 being married was not on your radar.
Same here. 5 year relationship thrown away because she’s bored of routine.
The last two years have been tough because I’ve been working at a silicon valley company that required insane hours but paid off an enormous amount in stock.
Now the project has finished I have a lot more time for adventures and the resources to buy a house, support a family and so on, but for her it is too little too late.
Same situation here. Was with my ex boyfriend for 4 yrs. lived to together even. Then he said our relationship became So freaking boring, repetitive, and more of a habit than anything. What’s worst is i had to live with him after the break up while waiting for my flight back home. A week after we broke up he started fooling around. Acting so happy with his life and like nothing happened. Not coming home for a few nights. I even found condoms and viagra in his bag. He deleted me from his contacts. Then blocked me when i didn’t respond to his messages. Then afterwards he unblocked me when he found out i went on a date. I was also surprised to find out he still keeps on talking to my brother in law (who he became so close) before. I didn’t even say goodbye when i left. Didn’t answer his call and didn’t respond to his text when he heard i left his house. I was so hurt with the things he did that i wasn’t even willing to even hear his voice. He kicked me to the curb like i meant nothing. And now i’m back to my home country, trying to move on with my life and yet he still contacts my brother in law every now and then. And also, ever since he deleted me
From his contacts a week after we broke up (almost 6 weeks ago) i never bothered him again. Not at all until now. So maybe it kinda bruised his ego that never begged or chased after him.
Hi! Any updates?
My case is being similar. Well, she doesn’t have someone new, but that part about love me but no being in love with me and want to experiment
My boyfriend of almost 7 years left me .. He went to Philly for work .. & After being at his friends house for 3 weeks & 4 days & no job; we argued about him coming home . I didn’t feel it was appropriate to be laying on his best friends mother in laws couch sleeping all day ( while the whole house left every morning to go to work ) using there utility’s & eating their food .. When he could be home job hunting.. We we also already starting to argue about him not calling ( unless you count when he was taking a dump or outside smoking cause they didn’t allow that in the house ). Two – three minutes tops, were about the length of our conversations.. So after the 3 weeks & no job that was “ Guaranteed“ by his best friend .. I left him a lengthy message saying a relationship was two sided & I was doing all the messaging & calling .. if he wanted to talk he would call me & the ball was in his court communication wise .. This was a Friday, no response on Saturday & after crying all night I messaged him Sunday to discuss our rent.. I got a short response saying he had thought about it & what was my opinion..🤔
Then not much else .. So I left it alone & by Monday reached out again.. This time he blew up & said that he had wanted me to miss him so maybe I would appreciate him a little more & I couldn’t even do that right ..
That his friend & his gf never discussed bills or argued.. Which I reminded him that both of them worked & they actually probably discussed that stuff privately..
( side note/backstory)
The previous year he talked me into quitting my well pd job of 6+ years & move to a place that I only knew one person ( his childhood bf who didn’t agree with our 10 year age difference) He was making more money & it made since ..
( The red flag I can see clearly now is only I had a functioning vehicle at the time so he would need me to quit for him to use it ) & Once he started working he also took over the bills ..
I have previously always pd them from my account..
( which I had to close cause his mom stole some of my checks & was using my money to pay her bills) unrelatedly but extremely hurtful!!
Somedays I feel like those two saw me coming from a mile away!!!
So now I am unemployed for the first time in our relationship ever !!! & 2+ hours from home & broke. The next day he basically told me over text that he couldn’t do it anymore!!! I literally told him that I wouldn’t accept a breakup over text after I gave him 6+ almost 7 years !!!! So he called but I felt like something was so off about it..
looking back I saw a few signs when he left
( like knowing he was going to be gone for a month we didn’t have sex ) & I also cried & told him I felt I wouldn’t see him again like this was a definite goodbye ( so I felt something that day).
Family & friends are all as completely shocked & in disbelief as I am!!!! He actually didn’t even tell anybody!! One by one friends & relatives started messaging or calling ) Either hearing it from another source or seeing our single fb status …
Then about a week after the break up his Friend (childhood bf whom I previous didn’t get along with, who was our next door neighbor)
( we now get along ) tells me before my bf left that he told him about a guarantee job that my ex had previously worked for & was rehiring & Said that my ex knew he could’ve just called & they would’ve hired him on the spot .
Both of us were job hunting ( or so I thought) & I’ll admit I was getting super frustrated with the slow process of it all… Shortly after he left tho I started getting call backs & on some days going on 2-3 job interviews a day ..
I went thru his email to see if he was actually job hunting like he said ( my emails were so full from new job listings or interviews, I couldn’t actually keep up ) I couldn’t find any job search’s .. I did find some friends he messaged about jobs .
& BAMB 💥 a new tinder account made just the day before he decided to let me know he was done … He started talking to a 22 year old nanny & told her. “he hadn’t found the right woman to have his kids, must not have found the right one that he could trust enough “
That cut deep as fuck cause I offered to have him a baby just a few years earlier & he’s always said he has never wanted kids !!!! He told her he sold his brand new truck to come to philly debt free & but a beater ford to drive until he got a job & settled .. HE HAS NEVER EVEN OWNED A TRUCK!!!! 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
That he was working 7 days a week 14-16 hours & that’s why he had no time to work out 🤔🤯🤯🤯🤯
& another odd yet weird twist, he told her he owned a vet ( truth ) & he totaled it racing another car … When I’m fact we wrecked it one morning while he was taking me to work …But it reminded me of a very similar story that he told me when we first started talking … 🤔 Do guys think that actually impresses us ??? 🤔 we are not dudes !!!
She was 22, I’m 39 & he’s 29 .. When we first started going out it’s because he pursued me !!! I’ve never ever dated younger !!! Especially 10 freaking years !!!!! But his whole family & all his friends said he had never dated woman or girls his own age !!! He said that they were to hard to take our cause they drank to much & would get sloppy & not mature.. So I finally gave in … To find out he wants younger was another harsh blow !!!!
Questions:
1 How long do you think he had been emotionally checked out ??
2. Why move me so far & isolate me like that, & leave me in such a situation???
3. He hasn’t came back for any of his stuff, do you think he will ???
4. When I told him I was packing it up & putting it in storage he got extremely mad & yelled & threaten me, why ???
( I explained he didn’t have to look at my pictures on the wall everyday, or smell me in clothes still on our bedroom floor )
5. Why punish me like that ????
6. He had the nerve to ask my aunt out, & when I confronted him & told him how I felt about that he turned it around saying I wasn’t perfect & like I wasn’t doin similar, why think that ???
7. He didn’t even tell his freaking parents, I wished his dad happy birthday & he ask me how his son was !!!! Weeks after the fact !!!
Why ????
I put him Thur school & supported him financially..
8. Do you think once I ran out of money he had no use for me ,????
So many red flags that I see clearly now that I wonder why I couldn’t before???
I also think he may have been a narcissist 🤷🏼♀️
Do they ever change ??
Just days before the breakup he was taking to me about marriage..
Did he ever really love me, be able to move on so quickly ???
I actually deactivated his tender twice & he finally pd for the gold or platinum addition cause he couldn’t figure out why it kept messing up ..
our rent was 2 months behind, electric about to be shut off & water & he was so cold that he was more worried about getting his dick sucked then paying past due bills..
How do men go from one day talking marriage & the next day guck the lights & hear & water; I moved on ???
& why no tell people so he could also have support??
I’m so lost as to why this hurts when I know what he did was so wrong !!
& DUDE I’m not playing the innocent card !!
He actually went to work the very next week !!!
So my impatience, is unintentionally what ran him off.., I guess he was trying to provide for his family & probably not feeling very many with me breathing down his neck ..
Lastly he has watched my kids grow up & even been more of a dad to two of them then there own dad & they have told him as much !!!
( my baby boy that is married & living on his own called me so extremely mad & upset when it happened, thinking I broke it off ).
He’s had almost no contact with them ..
Why shut them off as well ???
From lost & wanting an unbiased perspective..
3.
Hi, would love to hear your opinion on what I’m going thru right now!
My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9 have 3 lovely kids a beautiful house and a descent lifestyle! We have all we need but not all we want!
I think she has GIGS!
In April she dropped the bombshell that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore! It all started to go pear shaped in October last year when she thought I was having an affair with someone at work, there was no evidence other than some texts which she found on my phone which were over friendly but not sexual in any way! She begged and pleaded with me that nothing was going on and I reassured her that nothing happens or was I even thinking about it!
we seemed to get on fine until about February when she turned 30, then she started partying a lot with a newly found female work colleague who had recently split with her long term partner!
In June she went with this friend on a girly weekend then when she got back she told me we need a break and we should split! I was totally devastated, didn’t really see it coming and she basically blamed it all on me… saying stuff like you take me for granted, there was always something missing! Just stuff that really confused me as we were such a close couple, rarely argued etc, most people would be jealous of what we had and I believe her friend probably was jealous of us and had somehow corrupted my wife’s thinking!
Thing is i did so much for her and never moaned, I bathed the kids, cooked, cleaned and ironed, as well as working long hours whilst she just worked 2 half days per week! We are just really nice people!
Anyway since June every 2 weeks or so she seems to have a change of heart and we end up talking on the phone, (I’ve been staying at my parents mostly) she will say things like, she’s confused, she feels like she had her right arm ripped of by losing me, she misses me etc! I then end up going back home for a day or so and things seem good, we end up having mind blowing sex and she will hold me all night, then the next day she will turn cold again!
3 weeks ago she rang me up late at night and said for the last two weeks she realised she loves me so so much and has made a massive mistake by losing me and wants us to work at it again! Obviously I agreed and went straight home but I did say to her you need to tell me whether you just need me or you want me. She said quite firmly, I want you, I want you forever!
For a week or so things were great, we had loads of fun and spent nights in bed totally in love. Then after a week she started going cold again and said things don’t feel right!
We then split up again!
5 days later I tell her that I am probably going to have to sell the house and we will split any profit! She got all emotional and said she wishes she could turn back the clock, she looked at me in the eye and said her head is so messed up and that her heart is telling her one thing but her gut is the other!
I go to my parents, she then calls me later, funny thing is I somehow knew she would ring me, we talk for hours just saying really nice things and suggesting when she moves out she may feel different etc, I resisted coming home even tho I knew she wanted me to, neither of us wanted to put the phone down first!
The next day we end up watching a movie together and then end up sleeping together, it wasn’t just sex with and ex, it was pure mind blowing passionate love making.
Next day I was at work early so didn’t see her for 3 days and she’s cold again!
I am totally confused and it’s having a massive effect on my mental health, I’m struggling at work and will need to make some massive live changing decisions soon!
I know there is no one else, she very insecure about her body, and it would have come out by now, she told me last week someone asked her on a date and she was so scared she sobered up and told him where to stick it!!
I think she just wants to be on her own for a while! She said I’m the only man she can trust and feels safe with!
She still has photos of me in her purse and a pic of me on her bedside table, I wrote her a book of all our memories together with pictures that she has under her pillow still! I know she watches our wedding video sometimes as well and cries!
Is this GIGS, or something else!
I need help, we both do, she’s totally torn between me and the single life which I know she will struggle with in some respects but will enjoy the freedom on the days I have the kids!
Hi Andy,
From what you are saying, in my opinion she is probably in love with another man and dont know who she shoud choose between.
I’m not an expert in this but things begin to fall in the same way in my life as in yours.
She needed a break (1 day at her parents house) after i confrunted her about the expensive phone bill that came that month).I cancel the contract at the phone in that month and didn’t check the call’s history because i tought there are some taxes or mistake so i apologise to her (stupid me). Probably she would stay more at her parents but her cloths are at my place and we used to work in the same company.
She complained about some basic things after this short break,she complained about most minor things too. she didn’t want to go in our vacantion that was fully payd months before.
Whatever. We went in holliday, spent more than our buget since the beggining (this means i take a loan at the bank).
2 weeks after we returned from holliday she ghosted me and monkey branched.
Now i regret that we haven’t been in couple terapy and we haven’t talk more.
Now that you are still in contact do whatever you can to save your marriage.
Cheers,
Mihail
Thank you for creating this amazing resource, I’ve spent hours on this site trying to take in as much advice as possible.
My girlfriend dumped me 2 months ago, without giving me too much concrete reasoning (a lot of “it’s not you it’s me” and even “maybe we can try again one day”) but I suspect the real reason is that she wants to hook up with other people (I was her first). After a rocky first couple of weeks where I contacted her a bit, I went into NC for a few weeks and she started reaching out again fairly regularly. We went on a nice date that quickly turned into sex, but afterwards she still said she “needed more time”. She said she still loves me and cries about the breakup often. I made the mistake of enquiring if she had anyone lined up before the breakup; she gave an answer that suggested that she had at least thought a few guys were cute or something.
I’ve gone back into NC, it’s almost been a month and she hasn’t reached out again. She keeps watching my instagram stories regularly (even though we don’t follow each other anymore). I keep being consumed with the thoughts of her rebounding and I’m honestly at the point where I’m not sure if I should take this person back if the offer is ever presented from her? I feel like she’s broken a lot of trust, and though I sympathise that she was never able to experience being with other guys, I also feel like she’s trying to make me wait around as a backup plan
Hi Andrew.
Trusting her again would indeed be difficult but not impossible.
But the real problem is her mentality. She doesn’t appreciate you enough to want to be with you. She wants to date others instead. And she’s aware of this, hence why she’s crying but doesn’t care enough to act on it.
She doesn’t need to experience other guys. She wouldn’t have to if she valued you enough.
I strongly suggest you let her do as she wishes while you find someone else to date. If you don’t cut her off, she will likely keep you around as a backup plan.
Kind regards,
Zan
My (20m) partner (20f) of 3 years has recently been going through self confessed feelings of grass is greener syndrome. This is something I’ve known about for the last few months and we have tried to work on it with inconsistent success. Initially we tried to take an open break period for a couple months. This didn’t work out, after she confessed she felt too guilty to take advantage of it properly. After this, she eventually told me that she wanted clearer boundaries in her life and was happy in our relationship at the time. I thought this could be the end of it but then recently she reached out to me after a week of not talking (we both had final exams and agreed to not distract each other, we also go to different colleges), she pretty much said she still has these feelings that the relationship isn’t right. We met up to talk about it and I was told most of the stuff you would expect to hear. Basically she still loves me, which I don’t necessarily doubt, although she is worried about committing to her first partner at such a young age. She wants a chance to experience single life and know for sure what she wants. She also said she still saw a future with me and there was a “good chance” that we could be together down the line. Now I don’t know if she truly meant this but I do know that she was extremely emotional, as was I, during our discussion. We both came to the agreement that if this was to ever work then these doubts would need to be remedied and the only way to do so was breakup. So far pretty standard stuff I’m guessing. The difficulty I have is that the timing is very inconvenient. Having just started summer break, we both agreed to postpone the breakup until September so that we could enjoy summer together. Admittedly this was my idea due to the emotion and anxiety I was feeling at the time. She was very willing to comply tho and said it “suited her very well”. Having had a few days to reflect on all this I have been wondering if it is such a good idea to wait or to just go no contact now. The problem I have is that if we break it off now she will not have any opportunity to rebound or “get it out of her system” during summer (due to circumstantial reasons) and will have to wait till September anyway. Therefore she will not be able to efficiently progress through the stages of grief that are necessary for any chance at reconciliation. At the same time I do not want to be taken advantage of in this situation. I love her dearly and believe she does not want to hurt me but I cant help but think that as human nature would go, she only agreed to postpone it to make it less harsh on herself when the time finally comes. Having said that, the timing would be easier on me as well, as I’d have the distraction of college rather than the lazy days of summer to wallow in my grief. And since there is effectively an expiration date on our relationship for the time being, I feel like I can somewhat come to terms with it during summer and be more prepared for college when it happens. There is also the slim chance that when the time comes she will have a different attitude and not want to breakup, although I’m definitely not counting on that as I myself still see the break up as the best long term solution. Hopefully I have managed to portray the situation clearly. What would be your advice, take the hit now or wait until college starts up again? Assuming no contact in either scenario.
Hi Deluge.
You don’t wait and hope for the situation to be right. If she loves you she will want to work on the relationship. And if she’s experiencing GIGS, she will leave. It’s as simple as that.
You can’t expect to prolong the breakup so that she experiences certain emotions. She will go through them if you mean anything to hear. And if you don’t, she will skip phases and need a lot of time to consider you a valuable partner again.
When someone has doubt about you, you open the doors for them to leave. You can’t hold them back from leaving. It’s impossible. Doubt creates more doubt until your ex will eventually be thrilled to leave.
If her mind is too weak to commit, you deserve way more than she can offer. The “I want to experience single life” really means she wants to experience dating others. In other words, her love for you is not strong enough. If it were, she would never even consider dating others.
I may sound biased, but I would find someone that can fully commit to you as there is no “the time isn’t right” excuse in love.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this article and I believe that’s what happened with my ex. I would really like some insight about my situation. We were together for 2.5 years and we’ve had our ups and downs, but I know it was a good relationship. I was there for him through everything even when no one, including his “bestfriend” that didn’t like me and some of his family members were, when he had no food or money to get to work, I helped him. I even helped him get his passport and build his credit up and was even trying to help him get back in school (which was something he wanted) since I’m doing my masters so I knew how to help. I’ve showed him new places and went on amazing dates he’s never experienced (he’s told me that). Last year April, things got really bad when he found out his aunt he was living with had cancer and as well as he had to find somewhere else to live by that October, & his underpaying jobs were putting him under stress as well. I also found out I was pregnant in April, but I ended up losing the baby in May. I didn’t tell him until later on. I didn’t think it was the right time since he was going through all of these things. I tried to be there for him and he became more distant and closer to the new coworker friend group he hung out with. There was even rumor that one of them liked him and was flirting with him, she knew me because we all used to work together, she even would like pictures of me and him together. He denied it, but things just continued to get worse & he said to me that talking to me felt like therapy and that they were an escape and happiness because I tried to get him to talk about his feelings instead of indulge in his drinking and partying. We saw each other less and less while he hung out with them more. In june we got into a big argument and he broke up with me, but decided to stay with me and work it out after finding out about the pregnancy and miscarriage. But things never got better and he completely shut down on me and told me he needed space and we should take a break, I really didn’t want to, I wanted to try to communicate and work it out. In August, I found out he went on vacation with his coworker friends, including the girl that liked him and I broke up with him. It didn’t feel right. I found out a little while later they eventually got together. It’s been almost 10 months since I left him and his profile is now public and they look so happy together and I’m still hurting. I don’t know what I did wrong, I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I just don’t know what happened. Is this a case of GIGS? Will they work out? It doesn’t seem fair.
Hi Christina. I’m sorry for your loss.
It seems to me as if you did so many things for your ex-boyfriend, he ended up losing attraction for you. The more you tried to please him, the more he took you for granted. I’m not saying it’s your fault because your ex-boyfriend failed to reciprocate your feelings. His attention was simply elsewhere.
What happened to him is very common. He started spending more and more time with his friends and began to neglect your needs. When you conveyed to him that you want to spend more time with him, you probably got in an argument and he didn’t like that one bit.
The girl in his friends’ group certainly didn’t make things any better. All your ex needed was an excuse to distance himself from you more so he could attach to her. He was basically looking for an excuse and the breakup provided it for him.
Don’t beat yourself up for it. Your ex started emotionally attaching to the other person and put a lower priority to you. In other words, he emotionally cheated on you. I would call it a loss of attraction case and could be GIGS too.
I can’t say if they will work out. It’s not your concern because he might not come back even if it fails. That’s why you must do what you can for yourself to move on. And if he comes back, you better make it difficult for him.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex and i broke up 3 months ago. We have been together for 3 years. He asked for space because he said he needed to find himself. When i probed deeper, he told that he met someone from work and he was confused about us. I initiated the break up because i think it’s quite unfair, especially for me. He’s asking space from me but would be spending time to get to know the other girl (we are on LDR for a year because of work). He agreed with the break up. I think he was already sure that we would break up. He said we are still friends. He said he will be finding himself alone and he will not enter a relationship yet. We even text each other occasionally until it totally stopped. We are still friends on facebook but we don’t talk now. His cousins told me that that he and this girl had been together days after the break up, but he said they are just friends. But they are always together and even sleep together. I don’t know their status now. His other cousin told me he is already his girlfriend for a month now. It actually still hurts…
Hi Jess.
It saddens me to hear that your ex emotionally cheated on you with another girl. He basically lost attraction for you because he started gravitating toward another person. He loved her attention so much, your relationship no longer interested him. That’s why when you suggested to break up, he willingly accepted it and dodged a bullet. When he asked for space or “a break” it was already over. You were merely the one who initiated the breakup and made it easier on him.
What people say and do are two different things. I don’t know a single person that “would stay single for a while and find himself.”
Stay strong and pay no attention to them. It’s only going to hurt you.
Best,
Zan
Sometimes i can’t help but think of him, or there is still a chance that he would talk to me and get back together. I know it’s over… I don’t know what to do..
Hey Jes.
I know it seems like it’s the end of the world, but there’s nothing you could have done to keep him attracted to you. In the end, it was his lack of loyalty and determination that made him cheat and leave you for someone else.
All you can do is give yourself the love you so badly deserve. This should be your first priority until you feel much better.
Zan
Thank you, zan… I feel much better. I wished i came across this site sooner. 🙂
You’re welcome, Jes.
I hope you recover as quickly as possible.
Zan
Hi i read your story and i can relate to that. How are you doing so far now?
Hi, Zan!
I want to say a huge thank you for the insightful article. I’ve read this one and the one about being left for someone else over and over again ever since I stumbled upon Magnet of Success. They’ve helped me so much in making sense of my breakup.
My boyfriend (26m) and I (26f) were together for a little over 5 years when he broke up with me two days before Valentine’s Day. We met in college and connected instantly. We were talking about marriage, family, growing old together and all that jazz.
It was in July last year that he got a new job. Up until the end of October everything seemed fine. It’s then that he changed. He’s quite introverted, but he suddenly started going out every Friday with his coworkers and staying out all night. He looked happy, so I was happy for him, but I noticed that a coworker (34f) had been testing his boundaries. She’d been asking about me, about our sex life, about his sexual preferences, etc. I was not okay with that and I communicated my feelings with him in the most respectful way I could. He said I had nothing to worry about.
Things started falling apart. We started seeing each other less, while his Friday nights out with the coworkers became a permanent addition to his schedule. We had a huge fight on New Year’s Eve – couldn’t spend the night together and that coworker invited him to celebrate with her. After hearing how upset I was over the phone, he promised not to go. I don’t know if he did or did not, but I suspect he actually did.
See, the thing is I’m not a party animal, but I do love going out, hiking, traveling, exploring new things and places, but often compromised, because my ex wasn’t into that as much as I was. His first job was truly making him miserable, so during that year and a half while he worked there he hardly ever went out because “he needed time alone”. I tried my absolute best to be supportive and help him in any way I can (I even suggested therapy, but he refused), so when he started going out so much with his coworkers while not doing the same with me – I felt hurt. Especially when I realized this coworker had been flirting with him. Of course, I communicated that with him without causing unnecessary drama.
We decided to spend the month of January working on our relationship and everything seemed great up until the end of the month. My gut instinct was telling me something was wrong, but I didn’t want to listen to it. This was supposed to be my forever person, so surely he wouldn’t give up on us so easily, right? That led to a few “heavy” conversations – which were basically me asking what’s wrong, if he wants to spend more time with me (which he said is probably not what we need), and casually asking about future plans – like planning a summer vacation – and he assured me that “of course we’ll plan a summer vacation, but I also want to go to the beach alone for a weekend”. What I failed to realize was that he had already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Everything I did seemed to not be enough. He stopped noticing the things I did for us that he used to love and appreciate. He only focused on the negatives. I even pointed that out to him, and he said he realized he was doing it. He seemed more irritable and was spacing out a lot. Then he came one night, cried, told me he loved me more than anything, that what we have is something special, but it was not what he needs right now. He was seeing me as a friend. His main reason for breaking up with me was that he didn’t feel the same way about us anymore and he wanted to be alone. He said he’s terrified he’s making a mistake and that it might be too late when he realizes it, but needs to leave nonetheless.
I spent the next month focusing on myself. Self-blame was my best friend during that month, but I took it one day at a time and I made so much progress that made me and my closest friends and family proud. I never contacted him and he never contacted me, either.
After that month passed, I called him and we scheduled a meeting the next day. Everything was going perfect – he was hugging me and telling me how much he’d been missing me, how beautiful I am and how happy he is to see me. Then he dropped the bomb – he’d started dating his coworker 2 weeks after he broke up with me. He said, “I know it seems wrong to the whole world, but to me it doesn’t”. After a short conversation I told him I can’t be his friend (which caused him to break down crying and saying things like “it feels so wrong not to have you in my life”, wished him happiness, and left. It’s been a month since that day and while I’m definitely healing and feeling better, I still find it hard to understand what the hell happened. The way I see it, it’s a classic case of GIGS. I do have every reason to just delete him from my life forever, to forget about him completely, and move on to the romance I deserve, but for some reason I just can’t stop reading about GIGS, why people leave long-term relationships for a fling, and what I could have possibly done to prevent it from happening – and it seems there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop him from going after that woman.
I’m sorry this is so long! Two months after the initial break up and one month after I found out I was betrayed and I still feel the need to vent.
Thank you for everything that you do, Zan!
Hanna
Hi Hanna.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your story.
If your relationship had no major hiccups, your breakup would be a classic case of GIGS. I believe I was able to put the pieces together so correct me if I’m wrong.
The relationship you had with your boyfriend was loving and stable. Over time, it became so “normal” it stopped exciting him, and he started taking it for granted. No longer did he appreciate you as much as he did in the past, and perhaps he even stopped expressing gratitude. This went on for a while until a shift to his lifestyle occurred.
Suddenly, he started changing from being extremely introverted to a more outgoing person. He really began enjoying the “party” life he had not had the chance to experience before and fit it into his regular schedule. He felt the happiest when he could crawl out of his shell and be his true self. The times he went out with his friends he felt truly ecstatic and he wouldn’t give up his new-found happiness no matter what.
The second big change to his behavior is the woman. Even though he was in a committed relationship with you, he started fancying the idea of liking and being liked by another person. I can’t say for sure why that happened, I only suspect it is more likely to happen to people with low self-appreciation. Because she was openly flirting with him, she became a challenge to him and you were not. Subconsciously, he knew he had you, but still wanted to see where it would lead with the new woman. He didn’t have the strength to reject her early on, so it eventually progressed to a much higher level. That’s when he started questioning his love for you because he felt attracted to her. Rationally, he knew you were right for him but couldn’t say no to her because he liked the attention so much.
When he cried, told you he missed you and that he loves you, was when he was really trying to convince himself more than you. He knew he was losing attraction towards you and even felt repelled by your presence. The solution to solve this problem was to let go of that woman willingly on his own. Unfortunately, he was too weak to do so and instead chose to entertain her.
It was not your fault as there was absolutely nothing you could do to prevent this from happening. His self-control was too frail for him to fight the temptations.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and share your thoughts on it, Zan!
You’re right. We didn’t really have any major hiccups, the exception being the first job he had that made him miserable. It was truly a hard time for both of us, but we persevered.
What I can’t understand is the major change in his lifestyle. When we first met, we went to a few parties, but it was clear it was not his thing. He’s always preferred indoor activities to going out, so I was really surprised when he suddenly started staying out all night and enjoying it. I’ve never stopped him from doing that. I even expressed my wish to be a part of his new lifestyle. Looking back, it’s like he didn’t want to let me in.
What is your take on his behavior post-breakup? He’s with her, but says he still has feelings for me. These mixed signals have really been messing with my head. I can understand how he might have felt repelled by my presence shorty before and during the breakup (he had probably attached a lot of negative feelings to our relationship and me in particular, and this new, exciting thing with the other woman was his source of happy vibes), but I feel like that was not the case when we met a month later. I hope I’m not reading too much into this.
Best wishes,
Hanna
Hi Hanna.
By going out frequently, your ex-boyfriend started opening up, little by little. It made him more confident in his own abilities – especially when he received attention from the opposite gender. His ego went through the roof and suddenly he felt like he could do anything – especially since he never experienced such a rush before. I don’t know what caused him to enjoy going out in the first place. I honestly think he just started opening up to his coworkers and they became good friends. Over time, he began to love their company and sort of got addicted to the excitement going out provided for him.
You are right about his post-break-up behavior. Normally, a person who has feelings for a girl wouldn’t be saying something like having feelings for his ex. I don’t think he was saying that just to make you feel better. I believe he was confused with his feelings. I’d say it’s pretty clear he’s rebounding and that his relationship won’t last long. My opinion is based on his emotional upheaval and the way he was struggling when you met up.
Best,
Zan
This is so much like what happened to me. He seemed happy to hear from me. But let me know he was in a new relationship with someone I believe he was already in contact with before we ended things for good.
Then was upset when I didn’t want to be friends. I told him I could not, that I didn’t want to be “friends” and I deleted and blocked him from my socials. I also blocked her in case she tried to spy. She seems insecure and needy. That could be my hurt talking.
Sorry you are going through this. Its been 1.5 weeks since I found out about her.
The grass is always greener on the other side when you neglect to water your own.
That makes a lot of sense, so I absolutely agree with you!
You write he a lot on content like this. I’m a man dumped by a girl. Do you points translate and apply or is it different?
Hi.
The same principles apply whether you’re a guy or a girl.
Zan
Zan,
First off I want to say that your content is fantastic and extremely helpful. My breakup with my ex is a textbook Grass is Greener Syndrome breakup. We had been together 3.5 years, I’m 23 and she’s 24. Our relationship started out as long distance for the first year being that we went to separate schools, but it worked out nicely because we are from the same hometown and live maybe 5 minutes from one another. The relationship was great with barely any fighting, just a few disagreements I could count on my hand and she was the first to say I love you / I was her best friend etc.
Things started to go sideways this June when I returned home to finish up my last credit at our local university. All of the intimacy and attraction from her end seemed to stop and at her she chalked it up to going through a “quarter life crisis”…should have been the first huge red flag for me. She was already graduated and working full time but was still living at her parents place. Throughout the summer I tried to work it out with her, giving her space, even taking a “break” that ended up with her calling me the night of break crying, and saying that she missed me and that she was overthinking things. In late July things seemed to start to slightly turn around with her apologizing for being so distant and that it was because of work stress along feeling like she didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life and being stuck living at her parents house made her feel like she was stuck.
Fast forward to August and we had just got back from a dinner with friends on a Friday and as I reached for her had she pulled back saying that something just doesn’t feel right. I tried to get an explanation out of her and she said that “it shouldn’t feel like this” and “I don’t know to describe it”. I took a few days to cool off and on the 21st she cut the cord. She said that it wasn’t me, it was her and that she couldn’t keep stringing me along. She said that we just felt like friends and I rebuttaled with that we were in a rut and I was the only one working on getting out of it. Then came the classic “I love you but I am not in love with you” line. I asked her point blank if there was anyone else in the picture and she promised there wasn’t. We both were emotional with lots of tears on each side.
I immediately went no contact for the next month until I see she posted a photo with her new boyfriend at a wedding not three weeks after we broke up. It was the biggest punch in the gut I have ever experienced. I snapped and texting her for the first time since the breakup asking her if she had been seeing him while we were dating. She vehemently denied it saying it was insulting I would even ask that and they met after we broke up, she didn’t dump me for him and that it all happened so fast. It may have been the wrong thing to do but at the time I felt I had the right to know because I knew the timeline didn’t match because I had seen her liking all of his Facebook and Instagram photos for months and didn’t think much of it thinking maybe it was an old friend from college. Boy was I wrong and should have trusted my gut. He owns his own small business and is the exact opposite of me in every regard. All I replied with was hope all goes well with him and your life then proceed to unfollowed and purge all the photos of us off my social. Its been about two months now and she’ made her Instagram public (in was always private before) and has been posting a bunch of photos of them together with the same captions she did for us, LOL. My friends have told me that they see her snaps and she’s been out at bars with him every weekend taking selfie after selfie together with drinks in hand. She wasn’t a big drinker and had actually never been drunk in life when she met me.
Over the past two months I have come a long way being from a complete mess to now working on myself, identifying that I was catering too much to her needs while placing my own needs second. I’ve rededicated myself to the gym and have done a TON of research on breakups, GIGS, rebounds and watched just about every video on YouTube about them. I know I messed up by not courting her enough and getting to comfortable, but it was hard when the person on the other side was indifferent and didn’t want to reciprocate. Every day gets a little bit better and I haven’t checked her social media in three weeks after her switching her account from pubic to private and then back to public after I unfollowed her.
Sorry if this was a lot, but I just wanted to but it out there for your input was well for anyone else going through this type of breakup to see and know they are not alone. I’m in indefinite no-contact until she reaches out when her rebound fails. It’s been hard trying to focus on becoming the man I want to be and not worrying about when/if she will reach out. I’m six weeks away from graduating, currently in the middle of a interview process for an amazing job in my favorite city, reconnected with friends and family and am discovered my new passion, fitness. If she reaches out down the line, I don’t even know if I would take her back due to the total lack of trust. Time will heal all though and I know that I was the best boyfriend to her I could be and her first serious long term relationship. We may meet up down the line but now I am focused on myself.
Appreciate all you do Zan!
Hi Sam. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
My heart absolutely goes out to you, because I know it must have stung badly. A few things stood out to me. The first one being her emotions. Just how me reading your story, stirred up emotions in me, so did her “quarter-life crisis.” When she was going through those bad moments in her life, she began to think deep and hard about them. She felt down about her current situation – depressed if you will, so she associated her melancholic life to you You were her next of kin. With all the negative thinking, came the thought of doubt. She thought to herself, “if I’m feeling so badly, it must also be because I’m not happy with my boyfriend.” She quickly dismissed this notion, and went on with her life. Next time she felt depressed, the same thought came up, this time reinforced with more conviction. Rinse and repeat 10 times a day, and she has made a horrible boyfriend out of you.
This is where the common phrase “I love you, but not in love with you” comes in. She cried, and regretted it all, but she just couldn’t help it — she felt that way. Is it your fault for not noticing this or courting her more? Not in a million years. All that you could have done is told her you are there for her if she needs help, and distance yourself. Of course you didn’t know that, so you chose the opposite. You asked what’s wrong and chose to talk things through, and of course she wasn’t interested. She felt inclined to run away from you, because she felt negatively towards you. It’s not really your fault in any way, so try to understand that.
The new person is seen as the saviour of all her problems. He’s the knight in shining armour — until she realizes he doesn’t provide her with what you did, and also when she notices he doesn’t solve her internal issues.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, and I often am, because I think that she had been talking to him even before the break-up. If that’s the case, she dumped her pile of negativity on you, detached, and attached to a new source of supply. She has indeed broken the trust and made it incredibly hard to fix. Know that you did your very best. Instinctually, you wanted to mend the relationship, by willingly working on it. She didn’t think that way because of “how she felt” and chose to walk away.
Keep working on yourself to become even greater, and never reach out to her to remain mysterious and of high value.
Sorry for taking so long to reply.
Thank you for your encouraging words, and I wish you the best of luck!
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for your insightful take on my situation and no worries on taking time to reply, I’m sure you’re a busy guy! I think you hit the nail on the head with how her negative feelings and emotions really drove all of this. I always felt like she basically thought her way out of the relationship with all of her doubt and worrying. She did struggle with depression and told me about it before so it makes a lot of sense.
I think you are right about them being in contact prior to us breaking up, whether that was a few messages on Instagram or texting each other I won’t really know but I always had a gut feeling that was how they met cause you don’t move that quickly with a stranger. I know I had a huge impact on her life and set the bar pretty damn high, and you can’t just replace all the memories and connection we had with another person.
I read your article on indefinite no-contact and its seems like the best course of action. I don’t want to get into setting deadlines or develop false hope but am I wrong to think that this new relationship probably won’t last that long?
Thanks,
Sam
Hi Sam.
It’s best you don’t think too much about their relationship. It won’t help you move on by staying in the “hope zone.”
Chances of it breaking down are pretty high. Whether she will want to come back or not is another question. She will either come back after this failed rebound relationship, or later after multiple failed relationships when her ego is hurt.
Stay no-contact all the way to preserve your value. Don’t put your life on hold for her as she isn’t worth the sacrifice right now. You have nothing to work with at the moment, so until then, date, and work on improving yourself.
Good luck Sam!
Zan
If they left you for someone else it is considered cheating right especially they already lined up the person before breaking up with you. My question is, what are the good signs to consider taking your ex back just in case you still love him/her in the future that he/she will reach out? Knowing that she/he cheated. Thanks in advance.
Hi Chiller.
Lining up another person is indeed considered cheating. The fact that he or she jumped into another relationship right away, shows how weak and incapable this person is of being able to stand on his/her own feet.
Signs to consider your ex is coming back are:
– your ex checking up on you through social media, friends, family, etc
– being extremely unhappy in the new relationship
– hearing from friends that he or she is jealous about you/your new relationship
– him/her envying your newly-found success and happiness in life
There aren’t a lot of clues to consider about your ex reaching out. It normally happens when you’ve let go and found happiness on your own. Once that happens, exes usually want to be a part of your life again to some degree, and offer friendship.
Things that are standing between this person reaching out are:
– guilt for leaving/cheating/treating you badly
– afraid of admitting being wrong/giving you hope
– refusing to give you back the power
– your ex needs more time to cool off/forgive/experience life without you/hit a rough patch
I wish you the best!
Zan
Thanks for the reply i appereciate it.
regards
No need to thank me 🙂
Hi Zan,
First of all great recent posts and keep it up!
I’ve left a reply a few time’s on here now and it’s been a couple of months.
I’ve been working on myself and bettering myself, however of course i still miss my ex.. it’s common, but i honestly really did love her and i’m not gonna say anything different, she’s still always on my mind and i keep feeling very emotional and just wanted to come back to talk to you as i feel i have no where else to turn to.
It’s been over 8 months now since she left, what you say in your post’s is very interesting because i did literally give my all in terms of loving and showing it and it just got taken for granted. Whether she left because of GIGS or not i don’t know, but it’s obviously part of it… We argued alot towards the end of the relationship, mainly because of how she was taking the relationship and me for granted and stopped putting her best foot forward it just became frustrating.
At the start of the relationship when we met, i stuck around and proved to her i loved her and wasn’t gonna leave… she put me through a roller coaster of things which took alot of work for her to let her guard down due to ex partners that treated her badly, ignored her and left her eventually etc. I stuck to my word and never left the relationship the whole time, never got bored, never wanted anything more except her love back. I don’t think anyone else would’ve stuck around at the beggining like i done in order for her to “let me in” due to her previous baggage. She will remember this and she will remember all the things i did, all the gifts and the little things that mattered the most… because indeed the little things are the big things, the priceless things out of love and my heart.
It’s just still hard keeping away, but she’s the one that broke it… she was the one that broke the promise of never leaving after so many promises we made at the start that she/we never would, i only wanted to love her and nothing more. She still post’s pictures of her out with her friends, on whatsapp and snapchat which is what we used to talk on but not as frequently recently.
I just wanna hear from you, that even still after 8 months odd… it’s impossible for her to feel nothing after over one and a half years together. There’s no way she could’ve moved on and I still hope realization and epiphany will start to kick in and the fear and anxiety of losing me forever and that i’m gone will still become even stronger because she hasn’t heard a thing from me, which i feel is the right thing to do as much as i love her. I think by now or sooner or later she will be deep in that stage of longing and regret like i’ve read on your “stages for the dumper” post? She can’t cover up the greif forever and HAS to face the reality..? Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and that’s the only way people realise and to feel the loss and what you brought to the table.
She is a very emotional girl and i honestly did things for her no one else did or never will in terms of love. But it all got taken for granted towards the end. With halloween coming up, firework night and christmas/new year… will she be very nostalgic about/on those days that we used to spend together?
I’d like to also think i’m still always on her mind too, as i always was she told me.
Songs on the radio will remind her and cut deep, and plenty of things if not everything will still be reminding her?
Thank you for taking the time to read and for understanding, it would be nice to hear your response about the things i’ve said and asked as you put it into words very well that’s why i come here.
Hey Secret Squirrel.
Thanks for commenting and sticking around. I remember you well, as you also commented on a youtube video.
I’m very glad you’re still working on yourself, by making yourself as attractive as possible.
I know you can have days when you feel down, and I want you to know that it’s normal. Ups and downs are expected for quite a while after the end of a romantic relationship — especially if you were the one who invested your soul in it.
I want to point something out for you, and I hope this helps you feel a bit better. You were also very unhappy at the end of the relationship, as your needs weren’t met. She took your efforts for granted, whether you overinvested or not. You reacted to her inaction for a reason — you wanted more. You told her you are not happy, and expected her to step up. Since she didn’t, I’m guessing it probably caused arguments.
When you got in a relationship with her, you have helped her with many personal issues, which at the end of the break-up don’t mean a lot to her. People forget everything nice you ever did for them in an instant. Unfortunately, it’s just the way it is — people take it for granted. Perhaps she will remember what you brought to the table when she goes back to dating others who don’t put in half as much as you did.
I believe she is distracting herself with various activities and different people at the moment. The best way to let go of a person is to get new people to hang out with.
Distance and time might make her come to a realization. When she gets her heart broken by someone else, is when she could hit you up.
Dumpers usually don’t think the way you do, because they honestly think it’s all your fault. She has to go from the victim mentality to acknowledging her mistakes. If she never does, you know it’s not worth your time.
You’re not on her mind as much as you’d like her to be. She’s on your yours because you are choosing to think about her. You have to distance yourself mentally, and give yourself the attention yourself. You will be amazed how great it feels to be free of her, and the pain the comes with the thoughts.
She has times when she thinks about you, of course. As you mentioned, they could be moments that inspire her nostalgia for you. It can be literally anything. Nostalgia will help bring you two back together later, if it gets to that stage.
The absolute best way for her to reach out to you is for her to get hurt. She has to become emotionally disrupted enough to reach out to you. It can happen because of hurt ego, and when she is looking for someone familiar to help with her personal issues.
Zan