Ex Reached Out After No Contact

Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what “after” means. After no contact doesn’t mean that your ex reaches out after 30, 35, 60, or any number of days.

In all honesty, there is no “after no contact” as no contact is indefinite. It starts when the dumper leaves you and ends only when you want friendship or when he or she comes back. That’s when you can stop no contact and pursue friendship or relationship.

Sometimes exes break no contact to talk about unimportant things, but you shouldn’t count that as the end of no contact. Confusing, non-relationship-related calls or texts show you must continue no contact. You can’t assume your ex wants to ask to get back together or that your ex has entered the neutrality or regret stage of the breakup and wants to be wooed back into the relationship.

As far as you know, your ex could just feel guilty or be curious about you.

If you misread that as a sign that your ex secretly wants you back but is afraid of asking you out, you’ll get a lot of hope from it. And hope is detrimental to your healing as it will make you think about your ex day and night and stop you from disconnecting from your ex and putting yourself first.

So if your ex reached out during no contact and made your heart race like there is no finish line, hold your horses for a minute and think. You don’t need to respond the minute your ex reaches out. You don’t need to do it even if your ex can see that you’ve read his or her messages and urges you to respond.

All you need to do is collect your thoughts and respond neutrally. “Neutrally” means that you respond as unemotionally as possible so that your ex doesn’t understand what’s going on inside you.

It’s no secret that by remaining mysterious, your ex will be more curious about you and want to communicate more than if you show your cards from the get-go and without any questions give your ex what he or she wants.

So first things first, don’t get (too) emotional. It won’t be easy to not feel anxious but that’s why you can take some time to process the reach-out before you respond. You won’t be able to take your time to think if you run into your ex because you’ll need to respond quickly.

But if the breakup happened less than a few months ago and your ex called or messaged you, I suggest that you wait at least 10 minutes before you get back to your ex.

Ten minutes won’t make the anxiety go away, but they will help you control it better and enable you to say/do the right thing.

What is the right thing>

That’s what we’re going to talk about in this article. We’re going to discuss why your ex reached out after no contact (or rather, during no contact) and share some examples of how to respond to an ex and what to do based on the responses you receive.

Why did my ex reach out after no contact?

If your ex reached out before, during, or after no contact (it doesn’t matter when or what you call it), you need to know that your ex wanted or needed something from you. Your ex probably wanted to see how you were coping with the breakup and if it was safe and convenient for him or her to communicate with you and/or be friends with you.

Most dumpers reach out not to get back together but to see if their ex is doing okay. Their ex’s well-being tells them whether they should feel guilty or if they can move on peacefully. Of course, they don’t intentionally look for reasons to feel bad for hurting their ex, but those who feel guilty tend to reach out and indirectly look for forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

They do this by asking questions like “How have you been” and saying things like, “If you need anything, feel free to reach out.”

It’s also possible your ex wanted to know what you’ve been up to and whether you’re staying away from him or her because you’re dating someone new. This doesn’t mean that your ex wants you back, but that your ex is curious about you and feels a desire to learn more about you.

Your ex was with you for a while, so your ex wishes to know what direction your life is heading in after the breakup. The more information your ex has about you, the less he or she has to think about you and wonder if you’re moving on and enjoying your life.

Many exes reach out during no contact. But from what I see, most of them reach out for themselves. They’re either curious, bored, or lonely or they feel guilty, ashamed, and regretful of their behavior and want to stop feeling that way.

Very rarely do dumpers reach out selflessly just to help their ex. They usually want something from their ex. Something like friendship, friendship with benefits, or some kind of post-breakup truce and inner peace. You need to understand why they reach out so you don’t start messaging and calling your ex all of a sudden.

Do your best not to fall for “text your ex back” scams online and other nonsense “ex-back techniques” people say you should use to “reattract your ex.” Such techniques don’t exist in the real world. They exist in fairytales and hopeful dumpees’ minds.

Dumpees are often prepared to do anything after the breakup to get back with their ex. That’s why they can quickly misinterpret their ex’s reach-outs and see them as opportunities to recapture their ex’s heart. Little do they know that any attempts to portray value and reconcile make things worse as they suffocate the dumper and bring a bad reaction out of him or her.

So if your ex reached out after what you perceive as the end of no contact, bear in mind that your ex will do a lot more than just reach out if he or she wants you back. Your ex will apologize, take full responsibility, ask for forgiveness, express regret, promise to change, make plans on how to execute those changes, and much much more.

Your ex won’t, however:

• text a few times and get bored
• stop responding or ignore you
• talk down on you
• tell you the breakup was your fault
• ask for friendship
• or say it was nice talking to you and that you should talk again someday

I reiterate that an ex who wants you back won’t end the conversation without making some plans with you. Those plans could include meeting up with you or texting the next day to discuss something important (reconciliation).

If there are no plans as a part of the conversation, what you have is a dead-end conversation that signifies your ex has no intention of getting back together with you.

He or she just wants to be on good terms with you and move on with a clear conscience.

With that being said, here are 5 reasons why your ex reached out after/during no contact.

If your ex didn’t reach out to get back together with you, your ex reached out for himself or herself and needs to be dealt with properly (avoided). Failing to see it as a breadcrumb could lead to pain and frustration.

Be careful how you interpret your ex’s calls and texts

If you assume that exes always come back after no contact, you could get your expectations destroyed and your soul crushed.

You could suffer immensely and look for even more hope to patch your wounds with. So instead of relying on hope for healing, rely on acceptance and things that are in your control. Your ex’s love and validation aren’t in your control.

They’re completely dependent on your ex’s ability to reflect and grow.

So ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen if my ex doesn’t come back after reaching out during no contact? What can I possibly lose?”

Fortunately, you can’t lose your ex more than you already have—and you certainly can’t get hurt more. You can get hurt only if you beg and plead or do something desperate that gets you rejected again.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ll still have bad days where you miss your ex even if you don’t interact with your ex or make any breakup mistakes. But rest assured that you’ll heal quicker in no contact than you will if your ex reaches out, makes you see those reach-outs as the end of no contact, and forces you to go “full contact” with your ex.

That’s why you shouldn’t get your hopes up when your ex reaches out during no contact. You should be careful and figure out why your ex reached out. You can do that by asking your ex what motivated him or her to contact you and then monitoring your ex’s response.

If your ex says he or she missed you, thought about you a lot, or wanted to see how you’ve been, you should immediately stop the conversation and ask for space. The sooner you get space from your ex, the less hope you’ll receive and the quicker you’ll recover from the heartbreak.

You should only take your ex seriously if your ex wants to meet up with you and/or get back with you. That’s when you should continue talking to your ex and devising a plan on how reconciliation will work.

How to reach out to an ex after no contact?

As a dumpee, you don’t reach out to your ex after no contact unless you have something important to discuss and take care of. Something like co-parenting, divorce, or your living situation.

You must stay in no contact for as long as you’re hurt and emotionally dependent on your ex for recognition.

So if you must reach out to your ex after no contact, reach out politely and only about the thing you need to discuss. That way, you won’t get caught in conversation with your ex about things that make you nostalgic, give you hope, and delay your healing.

Once you’ve determined that you need your ex (let’s say to discuss shared finances), tell your ex you don’t mean to bother him or her, but that you’re wondering if you could discuss the shared finances when it’s convenient for him more her.

If you express yourself politely and empathetically and there’s no bad blood between you two, your ex should agree to talk about it and look for solutions with you.

But if things ended on a bad note, then your ex may consider the breakup a competition and try to get the things he or she believes is entitled to. That could, in turn, increase resentment and rivalry between you and your ex.

So don’t overthink this. If you need to communicate with your ex about something that concerns him or her as well as you, reach out respectfully and keep your composure. Your ex might not agree with everything you say, but if you thank your ex anyway, chances are your ex won’t become bitter.

Your ex will probably see that you’re not trying to pick a fight and resolve unfinished business peacefully. Peaceful interactions won’t help your ex come back, but they will finish unfinished business and prevent your ex from thinking you’re trying to win him or her over.

Stay in no contact no matter how many times your ex reaches out

Many people will try to make you doubt no contact and the things you need to do when your ex hurts you emotionally. Some of those people might be your friends and family, but most people with bad advice will probably be charlatans on the internet.

If you get swayed by them, you’ll continue to converse with your ex or contact your ex to try to get back with your ex. That’s why my only tip is not to believe things that sound too good to be true. Your ex isn’t waiting for you to show your alphaness.

He or she is slowly processing the breakup and experiencing life without you. That’s what your ex needs to do before your ex can reach the neutrality and regret stages of a breakup.

If you don’t let your ex enjoy his or her space and freedom, you’ll pressure your ex and see a side to your ex you’ve never seen before. That side will reset your healing, trigger self-blame, and make you more desperate for your ex’s love and attention than ever before.

To avoid that, you need to act smart now. Use your natural ability to make good judgments and behave in a practical and sensible way. If you handle the breakup confidently, your ex will respect you for it and you’ll heal much faster.

It’s a win-win for both.

Did you learn what to do when your ex reaches out after no contact? What do you think your ex wanted to get out of the reach-out? Share your thoughts, experiences, and tips below the post.

And lastly, Here at Magnet of Success, we take pride in helping dumpees understand breakup dynamics. If you’re looking for personal coaching and assistance with your unique situation, sign up for a session here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.