Talking with your ex isn’t the same as talking with a friend or a lover. An ex isn’t on the same wavelength as you and no longer shares your interests. He or she lost romantic interest and mustn’t assume that you’re interested in talking only because you’re trying to get back together. If your ex suspects that you’re speaking with him or her just to get back together, your ex will likely feel disrespected, overwhelmed, and scared—and may choose to stop communicating with you altogether.
Your ex might do that by getting angry, saying nasty things, and pushing you away by force. If you’re not ready for such strong, negative reactions from your ex, you’re probably not over your ex. You still love your ex and have certain expectations of him or her. As long as you expect your ex to like, love, validate, or support you, your ex has power over you and mustn’t be pushed into difficult conversations and situations.
Your ex must be treated as an ex – someone who developed negative perceptions, disconnected emotionally, and needs time to process the breakup and move on. Keep that in mind when you miss your ex like crazy and want to know how to talk with your ex. Talking is easy, but saying the right things or avoiding the wrong ones isn’t. Even if you avoid saying ambiguous things that might indicate a desire to get back together, your ex could still interpret your words the wrong way and think that you’re trying to get close to him or her.
Always remember that your ex is keeping careful watch for possible danger. He or she is vigilant and remembers how you felt during or after the breakup. If you felt shocked and had feelings (which is highly likely), your ex probably thinks that talking to you will be difficult and suspects that you’ll try to crawl back into his or her heart the first chance you get.
Your ex wasn’t born yesterday. He or she knows that dumpees stay hung up on dumpers for months and that they usually talk to them because they want to get back together. Those who don’t want to reconcile leave their exes alone and focus on things that feel good. Things like their friends, family, hobbies, and dating. By redirecting their attention away from their ex, they fill their mind with healthier thoughts and give themselves the space to open their heart to new opportunities.
If you want to learn how to talk with your ex, the first thing to understand is that you shouldn’t do it unless it’s truly necessary. Unless you share kids, a mortgage, loans, vehicles, or another mutual responsibility that requires direct cooperation, you should cut your ex off, not seek conversation. Talking with your ex just because he or she is your ex is a big mistake.
Talking will not just keep your ex close to you and give you hope, but it will also urge you to make other breakup mistakes, such as begging and pleading, reasoning, showing off, and asking your ex whether he or she is dating anyone new. The more you talk to your ex, the closer and needier you will feel. When you feel super close and needy, you’ll feel anxious and try to make your ex feel something for you.
Because your ex has made up his or her mind and feels relieved, you’ll soon learn that your ex doesn’t feel the same about you and that you should have gone no contact from the start. Giving your ex space and focusing on yourself would have prevented you from starting uncomfortable conversations with an ex who wants nothing more than to be left alone.
Look, it’s okay to exchange a few polite words if you run into your ex or receive birthday wishes. It’s okay to greet your ex, answer your ex, and thank your ex for cooperating when you’re wrapping up unfinished obligations. But don’t talk to your ex randomly just to catch up or stay in touch. If your ex isn’t talking to you, you shouldn’t be talking to your ex either.
You should be minding your own business and focusing on healing.
Try to remember that you can’t have a meaningful conversation with someone who left you high and dry. Talking with him or her will just reopen your wounds and put him or her higher up on a pedestal. Your ex will stay in your head rent-free and make you relive memories you’re trying to forget.
Let’s just say you’ll struggle to let go and feel better. Instead of processing the breakup and improving your self-esteem, you’ll become more dependent on your ex for healing and spend most of your time thinking about ways to get your ex to love you again. You’ll make your life about your ex, and by doing so, reduce your chances of detachment and reconciliation.
If you talk with the dumper, know that you could learn things you’re not ready to learn. You could discover that your ex is seeing someone else and that they’re getting serious. That would wound you deeply and affect your self-esteem and ability to focus.
I can’t say exactly how talking with your ex will affect you, but it probably won’t help you get over your ex. If you’re like most dumpees, you’ll crave your ex more than ever and want your ex to validate you.
Whether your ex is nice, mean, or nether, you’ll get a taste of your ex’s attention and want your ex to fulfill your needs and take your pain away. This will prevent you from regaining your emotional independence and working on things that are in your power to work on.
If you’ve read this far, you probably still want to know how to talk with your ex. Get ready. We’re about to teach you a few things about communicating with both dumper and dumpee exes.
How to talk with a dumper ex?
Talking with a dumper ex is a bit more complicated than talking with a dumpee. That’s because you still have expectations of your ex and could get seriously hurt if you overstep your ex’s boundaries.
If you’re not careful, you could offend your ex, bring out the worst in your ex, and feel rejected and unwanted.
Before talking with your ex, remember that your ex most likely doesn’t want to talk to you. Your ex especially doesn’t want to talk about the relationship or the breakup. Such topics bring back unwanted reminders and feelings and make him or her want to run for the hills.
If you must talk to your ex, talk about the reasons for reaching out or random things (if you run into your ex). Just don’t make the conversation about things your ex left you for. Your ex will respect you and like you more if you exude healthy self-esteem, emotional strength, independence, and purpose outside of the relationship.
While you’re talking with your ex, avoid flirting, talking about the future, and asking what your ex thinks about you. If you’re not ready for strong emotional responses, it’s best not to ask difficult questions and attempt to get close to your ex. If your ex wants to get close to you, your ex will do so of his or her own accord. It may not be to get back together, but to become friends or friends with benefits.
Always remember that talking with someone who left you can reopen emotional wounds, give you false hope, and delay your healing. Unless the conversation serves a clear and necessary purpose, it’s often better to keep your distance and focus on moving forward. Distance will keep your ex out of sight and mind. The longer you stay away from your ex, the clearer you’ll think and the less you’ll need your ex to validate your value.
Consider talking with your ex only when you’re over your ex or when your ex reaches out first and shows interest in getting back together. If your ex just wants to talk, it’s just a breadcrumb, as it shows no sense of urgency to start a new romantic relationship.
Many dumpers reach out to dumpees. Most of them, unfortunately, just feel guilty, bored, confused, or nostalgic. They make it seem like they like their ex, but they just want their ex to help them get something or get rid of some unwanted feeling. When their ex does them a favor, they usually lose interest in talking and disappear.
With that said, here are my tips on how to talk to your ex, whether it’s been a long time or not.
How to talk with a dumpee ex?
When conversing with a dumpee ex, keep in mind that your ex may still have feelings for you. If the breakup happened recently, he or she likely feels anxious or depressed and sees your interest in talking as an opportunity to get back with you.
Again, if you don’t have anything important to discuss, such as closure, unfinished business, or romantic feelings, you shouldn’t reach out and/or talk with your ex. You should keep your distance and let your ex deal with the breakup blues. Your ex will heal faster if you don’t get back in touch and interrupt his or her recovery process.
My advice is to talk with your ex only if your ex reaches out and wants or needs something from you. Talk or meet up if your ex needs his or her stuff back, works with you, lives with you, feels miserable, or has breakup-related questions that could speed up his or her detachment.
You can also talk with your ex if you run into your ex and make eye contact. Locked eyes typically indicate that both parties are interested in talking and that talking won’t hurt them (too much). Not unless they dig too deep and ask questions they’re not supposed to ask.
If you don’t know what your dumpee ex is ready for, it’s best to take a cautious approach. Avoid forcing deep conversations, saying you still love him/her, kissing your ex, and giving your ex the impression that you have feelings. You may care about your ex, but sometimes it’s better not to say it. Ambiguous words could give your ex crazy amounts of hope and anxiety and make your ex want to try to win you over.
So avoid saying anything that hints at reconciliation. Instead of making it seem like you regret leaving and still love you ex, respect your ex’s space by keeping your emotional and physical distance. Instead of getting close to your ex and saying the first thing that pops into your mind, think about how it might affect your ex.
Ask yourself how you’d feel if you were in your ex’s shoes. You probably wouldn’t want your ex to make you think like you’re getting back together when he or she just feels like chatting for a bit.
Once you’ve thought about this and said what was on your mind, observe your ex’s reaction and let his or her actions guide your next steps. Things will flow more naturally once you break the ice and get more comfortable with each other.
Talking with someone you’ve dumped can be tricky, especially if that person considers you his or her everything. Whether your ex is crazy in love with you or fell out of love, you should avoid pretending like your ex is super important to you. If you’re used to hugging your ex, you can hug. But don’t prolong the hug and make it seem like you’ve missed your ex.
Your ex probably can’t distinguish between general feelings of missing and genuinely missing in a romantic way. If you hug or even kiss your ex, your ex will probably mistake it for love and act on it. Your ex will stop treating the breakup passively and actively try to impress you.
So how to talk to an ex you left?
Be considerate, respectful, sensitive, open, and prepared for any reaction. Whether you need something from your ex or your ex needs something from you, start the conversation lightly. Ask your ex what he or she has been up to. When your ex answers, tell your ex your story as well. Make sure to exclude things he or she might not want to hear. Things like dating other people and how happy you’ve become.
You don’t want your ex to think you’re jumping up and down in joy as a result of the breakup. That would hurt your ex and compel your ex to hurt you back or do something unpredictable.
Simply talk to your ex in a calm, respectful manner. Don’t be too friendly or too aloof. Show interest, but not too much interest. Aim for a healthy balance and try to wrap things up. The conversation should be brief and free of unnecessary details.
If you or your ex reached out to discuss post-breakup living arrangements, keep the conversation strictly focused on that topic. Don’t ask about each other’s personal life. It’s okay to inquire about each other’s health and well-being, but keep it surface-level.
Once you’ve discussed the things you wanted/needed to discuss, wish each other well and go back to no contact.
Whether you talk in person or over a distance, the conversation shouldn’t last longer than a few minutes. Anything longer risks veering off-topic and could lead to discomfort or even pain.
I hope you’ve learned how to talk with your ex. Share your opinion on this topic in the comments below. We’ll make sure to get back to you quickly.
However, if you’re looking for additional help with your ex, sign up for coaching. Together, we’ll determine the most constructive approach to communicating with your ex.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
