We Can’t Let Go Of Someone Because Deep Inside We Still Hope

Have you ever wondered why you can’t let go of someone who dumped you and hurt you? Why hold on to this person for weeks or months even though you wish to move on from him or her?

If you have, it’s because we can’t let go of someone as long as we have hope. Hope emotionally convinces us that we may not have to accept reality and that things could go back to normal – back to the way they were when we were happy and stress-free.

But what hope doesn’t tell us is that getting back with our ex isn’t always the best solution. It’s the quickest solution to stop pain from killing us inside, but it’s not the healthiest solution.

Our brains just can’t differentiate between what we need and what we want. All they can do is tell us that our ex’s rejection and absence are hurting us and that we must do something to heal as quickly and painlessly as possible. The brains are, however, smart enough to know that the person causing us pain is also the one who can take it away.

This is why our brains force us to obtain self-love and recognition from the person who took it away from us and is least willing to give it back.

By obtaining self-love and recognition from the person who matters to us the most, we can feel valued, get out of denial, put an end to separation anxiety, supply our brains with happy hormones, and once again, function independently.

We can be happy.

And because we were happy in the past and know we can be happy again when we reunite, we hold on to hope for dear life and think that hope is our savior. In reality, though, hope is exactly the opposite of what we think it is. It’s more like a disease that prevents us from climbing out of denial and acknowledging that the breakup happened for a good reason.

For a reason that we tend to underestimate.

I don’t want to be that person who mindlessly shouts “Breakups happen for a reason, get over it” because I know that dumpees hate hearing this cliché. I’ve been dumped before and I remember I hated being told to move on too. I hated it so much I initially only read articles that promised me reconciliation and gave me hope.

I didn’t even want to entertain the idea that my ex was gone and that she might not come back. I could say I loved the feeling of hope more than anything because it was the only positive feeling in my life that kept me from going crazy. It made me feel in control of my emotions, which is why I grabbed on to it and listened only to people who said I can get my ex back in 30 days or less.

I’m not ashamed to admit I was even tempted to contact one of those “love doctors” who charge hundreds of dollars for spells to get your ex back. I was that desperate and was willing to do anything to get my ex back.

Luckily, though, I didn’t fall for the scams. But I did continue to think about different ways to get my ex back. I’d never felt so rejected before in my life, so I probably thought of 1000 different ways to reconcile with my ex. Most of the time, I visualized her running back to me, saying she’d made a huge mistake and that she’s sorry.

I was so hurt I thought about her at work, on vacation, when I was with my friends, and even when I was asleep. She wouldn’t leave my mind for more than a few minutes because I had hope that she would come back.

Rationally, I knew I deserved better than a person who’d cheated on me a year or so prior to the breakup. But because I invested everything in her (even my own happiness), I was certain that the only way forward in life was with my ex. I was hopeful that she felt the connection I felt and that she just needed some time to think about me.

But as I stayed in no contact, my whole understanding of my ex as a person and the quality of our relationship slowly started to change. I began to see that my ex wasn’t the person I made her out to be. She wasn’t my ideal partner. Far from it.

She was someone I idealized because she crushed my heart and treated me so poorly she made it difficult to love myself. And yes, she had some good qualities, but as a dumpee, I shouldn’t have focused on her good traits. I should have examined the negatives because those were the things that would have helped me see what she was capable of.

I suppose I couldn’t do that because I was in excruciating pain and hoped she’d repair the damage she’d caused and make me feel whole again.

It probably took me three or four months of constant ups and downs to get to a point where I realized I needed to stop obsessing about my ex and focus more on me. I started to lose hope she’d come back.

At first, it felt strange to detach and lose hope because hope initially gave me strength and kept me sane. But as I kept pushing forward, I realized that my self-esteem and strength had improved and that talking to my ex would endanger my health and the emotional progress I’d made.

Not only would it give me false hope and set me back emotionally, but it’d also stop me from investing in my shortcomings and make me neglect the things that truly matter to me.

And this is something I couldn’t do. I’d done it in the relationship when I dropped everything to make her happy, so I couldn’t make the same mistake. Growing as a person meant more to me

That’s why I imposed the rules of no contact on myself and kept moving on and losing hope. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt hopeful for reconciliation at times. Especially on my bad (setback) days because setback days were unavoidable (sometimes they hit me hard when I dreamt about my ex).

But those days became less and less common the longer I adhered to no contact.

I got a bit carried away with my story, but keep reading if you still wish to learn a thing or two about hope which is the reason why we can’t let go of someone we love deeply.

Is there any hope your ex will come back?

Many dumpees want to know if there’s still hope that their ex will come back. They want to know if their ex will think about them, miss them, and reunite with them when the time is right. What such dumpees look for isn’t the information that encourages them to take their rose-tinted glasses off and helps them move on.

They look for ways to reconnect with an ex and reduce their anxiety. And that’s very, very dangerous because dumpees have no control over their ex’s thoughts and feelings. They had a strong influence during the relationship, but not after the breakup because their ex had painted a black picture of them and holds on to the negative feelings he or she had created prior to the breakup.

Therefore, the reason why we can’t let go of someone is because deep inside we still hope. We hope our ex will notice our inner qualities as well as our external beauty and come back to take our pain away and fulfill our cravings.

We hope because:

• Hope gives us strength and a positive feeling to hold on to
• Hope gives us control over an unwanted situation and eases our anxiety
• And hope gives us the courage to keep going when all odds are against us.

The only thing hope doesn’t do is change the outcome.

You see, hope is usually a good thing. It helps us get through our days by reassuring us that the problem is only temporary.

In breakups though, hope is the worst thing we can encounter. This is because we don’t know if our ex will return and give us what we want. And because we don’t know what will happen, we hope for the best, prolong our healing, get addicted to our exes, and become dependent on them for healing.

Here are 5 reasons why hope after the breakup can be bad for us.

So as long as we’re emotionally dependent on our ex and want our ex back, hope actually makes things much worse. Instead of helping us detach from our ex, it attaches us and prevents us from looking for different solutions to solve our unhappiness.

The only time hope can be a good thing is right after the breakup when we feel lost and miserable. Just how it helped me from losing my mind right after the breakup, hope can help you cope with separation anxiety and fears of abandonment. It can help you get back on your feet by giving you something to latch onto.

Just make sure not to cling to hope for longer than you need to.

Most people are emotionally strong enough to start letting go of hope a week or two after the breakup. But those who are going through their first breakup and/or those who were emotionally dependent on their ex or are mentally ill may need a few weeks to detoxify and gain control over their emotions.

Such people should start letting go of hope when they feel ready to do so. Rushing them and telling them that their ex is never coming back can hurt them and trigger their separation anxiety. It can make them suicidal.

In all honesty, all dumpees should lose hope little by little. Losing too much hope at once can hurt the dumpee and cause him or her to suffer a relapse.

If you read this blog often, you probably already know that I advise all dumpees to start moving on from day one. I tell them to focus on themselves and detach from their ex. But I don’t encourage anyone to look for information about their ex that would kill their hope the hard way and make them crazy obsessed with their ex.

There’s a time when finding out that your ex is moving on (let’s say getting married) can help you lose that final bit of hope. But the time to ditch all hope isn’t right after the breakup. It’s much, much later when you can afford to lose it emotionally.

Letting go of hope takes time – a lot of time

If you want to let go of someone you love (or rather, someone you’re still attached to), know that it’s going to take a long time. Breakups shatter our dreams and self-esteem, so don’t expect any quick results. You can cut your ex off and do everything right from the get-go, but it’s still going to take a while to process the shock, sorrow, anxiety, fear, regret, and nostalgia.

These things require time. And depending on your self-esteem and coping mechanisms, they’ll probably weigh you down like an anchor whether you want them to or not. So be patient with yourself, allow yourself to grieve, and try to increase your self-esteem while you’re giving your ex the gift of your absence. The time after the breakup is your time to improve.

I know it can be emotionally and psychologically exhausting to think about your ex 24/7 and wonder if your ex will come back if you let him or her go, but keep in mind that right now, leaving your ex alone is all you can do.

Not leaving your ex is alone is only going to smother your ex and keep hurting you.

This is because every time you reach out/communicate with your ex, you put your expectations on your ex and hope that he or she validates you and makes you feel better.

Because you put yourself at your ex’s mercy, you essentially become dependent on your ex for good news. News that you are worthy of your ex’s love and that your ex needs you as much as you need him or her.

So while you wait for your ex to make a move, learn more about the effects hope has on your detachment process.

Read articles and self-growth books that help you ease anxiety, let go of false hope, and encourage you to boost your self-esteem and confidence in your abilities. Surround yourself with good people as well because all these things combined will determine how fast you let go of an ex who doesn’t love you anymore.

Do you agree that the reason why we can’t let go of someone we love is because deep inside we still have hope that he or she will come back? Post your comment underneath this article.

Also, if you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance, click here to see our coaching plans.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.