Why Is My Ex So Mean When My Ex Broke Up With Me?

If you’re asking yourself, “Why is my ex so mean when my ex broke up with me,” the best way to understand your ex’s behavior is to learn a bit more about breakups.

You have to understand that your ex is the dumper – a person who’d been meaning to break up with you for days, weeks, or months. But because your ex couldn’t find the right time and opportunity to do it, your ex prolonged his/her pain and suffocation and attached negative associations to your persona.

Eventually (after many tries), your ex’s bubble of negativity grew so much that it popped. And that’s when your ex’s pain increased beyond the point of tolerance and caused your ex to despise you.

We could say that your ex reached the tipping point and broke up with you to protect himself or herself from the self-created pain. From the pain that your presence unknowingly created.

After fighting an internal battle for many days, your ex essentially found peace of mind in a form of relief. Suddenly your ex didn’t have to worry about your wants and needs anymore.

Your ex could just mind his or her business and enjoy the freedom.

Your ex was basically in a powerful, independent emotional state and intended to focus completely on himself/herself.

But because you didn’t allow your ex to do that, your ex got mean, cold, angry, or downright disrespectful and treated you worse than a stranger.

This post is for all dumpees who are wondering, “Why is my ex so mean to me when he/she broke up with me?”

Why is my ex so mean when my ex broke up with me?

If your ex broke up with you and is mean to you, you’re probably saying or doing something that consumes your ex’s energy.

You’re probably demanding answers, asking for closure, begging for another chance, or doing something that forces your space-deprived ex to respond and validate you.

If this is what you’re doing, you need to stop all communication immediately. You need to follow the indefinite no contact rule and give your ex more space than he or she asked for.

The breakup demands it.

I know that you don’t want to lose your ex and that you’re afraid of the future, but keep in mind that you can’t be your ex’s friend right after the breakup. Your ex can’t be either because your ex can’t just shut off his or her built-up emotions and disassociate all the negative associations.

If people could overcome their unhealthy emotions in a matter of days, the world would be a much much better place. People would hold fewer grudges, breakups would be much less painful, and depression would be much easier to climb out of.

But, unfortunately, human emotions are much more complex than that. It took us 6 million years to evolve from our ape-like ancestors.

At the speed at which our brain currently evolves, it will probably take us thousands if not tens or hundreds of thousands more years before our brain adapts again.

And who knows, it may not even adapt for the better. With all the mental illnesses out there, we could end up even more vulnerable.

Anyway, since your ex’s way of thinking has caused your ex to lose respect for you, you and your ex will both need to do something very important.

1. You as a dumpee will need to avoid post-breakup mistakes by following the rules of no contact.
2. And your ex as a dumper will need time to himself/herself and gradually process the breakup.

Your ex is mean to you because of your presence and the way your ex perceives you

Earlier, I said that you’re probably saying or doing something to cause your ex to be mean toward you. This is the most common reason as many dumpees try to keep their ex in their lives by force.

They’re in pain, so they hold onto their ex, thinking that their ex (the person who hurt them) will make them feel better.

While it’s true that an emotionally strong (mature) dumper can alleviate the dumpee’s pain, it’s also true that the dumper’s mean behavior can cause even more pain to the dumpee.

It can cause traumas, fears, depression, trust issues, and a loss of confidence and self-esteem, just to name a few.

Many dumpers think that they aren’t responsible for helping their ex deal with breakup pain because they hold resentment for their ex, but the truth is that they are responsible.

They have a moral responsibility to take care of a person they hurt.

They don’t need to babysit the dumpee 24/7 and do things couples do (kissing, holding hands, etc), but they must nonetheless provide closure, shelter, and treat their ex with dignity.

This means they must:

• respond to messages
• reply politely
• when the dumpee reaches out, take an interest in the dumpee’s health and offer help
• avoid pointing out shortcomings and mistakes and talking about things that hurt dumpees
• not give the dumpee false hope (say things like it’s just a break, we’ll see where we stand months from now, it’s not you, it’s me)
• not send breadcrumbs (reach out because of boredom, guilt, depression, unhappiness, or nostalgia)

These are just a few dumpers’ responsibilities—and there are obviously many more. But if dumpers are good people and care about others’ health, they don’t really have to do a whole lot of research on how to treat a person fairly.

They will know what to do and what not to do the moment they see their ex-partner struggling with the breakup.

It may not be easy for dumpers to talk to dumpees when they feel smothered, but the empowering emotions dumpers feel are way less severe and less self-destructive than dumpees’ emotions.

They are easier to control.

But if they’re so easy to control, then why are dumpers so mean? Why do they act as if they don’t care and treat their dumpees poorly?

First of all, smothering emotions aren’t easy to control. They are easier than dumpees’ pain, depression, anxiety, and nostalgia. But they definitely aren’t easy.

When it comes to controlling emotions such as anger, frustration, and overwhelming smothering emotions, dumpers need something else.

Something that many people don’t have.

That something is relationship/breakup knowledge, willpower, self-awareness, moral values, self-control, and the ability to put themselves in their exes’ shoes.

This means that the reason your ex is mean to you isn’t because of smothering emotions. Yes, smothering emotions are the force, compelling your ex to be mean to you.

But the main reason your ex is mean is that that’s who your ex is at his or her worst.

Your ex hasn’t learned to control unwanted emotions yet, so your ex just projects them at you. Your ex basically blames you for the way he or she feels and thinks that you deserve his or her mean and rude responses.

For that reason, distancing yourself from your ex is the best thing you can do. You will let your ex get the space that he or she wants and give yourself the emotional distance that you need to regain your identity.

And also, even if you’re not doing anything to anger your ex, keep in mind that your ex has other reasons to be mean to you.

Many dumpees take this personally, but if you’re trying to understand why your ex is mean to you when your ex broke up with you, it’s crucial for you to understand how breakups work.

You have to understand that dumpers feel repulsed by the image they’ve painted of their ex. They feel emotionally drained, so they fall in love with themselves and push away anything and anyone who stands between them and their freedom.

This is why they can’t stand being physically close to their ex.

They can’t communicate with their ex either, because if they do, they evoke those unhealthy pre-breakup (and post-breakup) associations that they stored deep into their subconscious.

So if you’re still wondering, “Why is my ex so mean to me when my ex broke up with me,” look at the picture below. It contains 5 explanations that we’ve mentioned thus far.

What to do when your ex is mean to you?

If your ex broke up with you and is mean and rude to you, the first thing you should do is cut your ex off completely. No more calling, texting, and demanding attention from your ex.

As far as you’re concerned, your mean ex doesn’t exist anymore. He or she is someone who does more harm than good, and therefore, doesn’t belong in your life.

It’s your responsibility to stop talking to your ex just how you would stop talking to a mean, rude, or disrespectful friend.

So do the same with your ex.

Let him or her go so that you can stop bringing a bad reaction out of your ex and avoid seeing your ex disrespect you.

When you’ve cut your ex out, you’ll soon feel in better control of your emotions. You’ll notice your strength, self-esteem, and happiness returning to you. When that happens, you’ll be in the second stage of a breakup, transitioning into the third. You’ll feel strong and self-sufficient enough to stand up for yourself.

Knowing what emotional change to expect will help you prepare yourself for anger and feelings of vengeance.

Not everyone feels the need to hurt their mean ex, of course (especially not those with decent self-control), but if your ex deliberately hurt you and didn’t show any remorse whatsoever, chances are that you will want to get back at your ex.

You’ll want your ex to suffer and teach him or her not to mess with you.

Make sure you stay one step ahead of anger by reading about the stages dumpees go through after the breakup.

Your ex may be someone who doesn’t care about hurting others, but you don’t have to be the same as your ex. You can be much better.

You can be a person who deals with unhealthy relationships by physically and emotionally distancing yourself from them and not by retaliating with anger and mean demeanor.

All you have to do is understand that your ex’s behavior has very little to do with you.

It’s got everything to do with your ex (even if you begged and pleaded) because your ex is in control of his or her emotions—and you of yours. Remember that when/if you feel tempted to punish your ex for his or her mean words or actions.

I’m not reaching out to my ex. Why is my ex so mean when he/she broke up with me?

If your ex is mean to you because you’re in no contact, you have to understand that your silence has hurt your ex’s ego.

It told your ex that you’re not interested in him or her as much as you are in yourself (this is healthy) and that you have better things to worry about. Things that don’t involve your ex.

In this case, it’s safe to say that your ex lacks emotional intelligence and self-awareness and that your ex is taking his or her pain and frustration out on you because you’re looking after yourself.

Needless to say, such a person isn’t mean and rude to you because of something you did or should have done. Your ex is mean because your ex expects you to validate him or her and lacks control over you.

The best advice I can give on what to do when your ex is mean to you is to reply politely and concisely. Let your ex know that you acknowledge him or her as a person, but that you won’t tolerate any kind of mean and disrespectful behavior.

Are you still wondering why is your ex so mean when your ex broke up with you? Did this article bring some clarity? Can you relate to it? Let me know how your ex treated you after the breakup by leaving a comment below.