What Is The No Contact Rule?

If you got broken up with and have been browsing the internet for ways to get your ex back, you’ve probably heard of the no contact rule. You’ve heard that no contact can help you get your ex back, provided you leave your ex alone quickly and let your ex process the thoughts and feelings that prevent him or her from loving you.

Although no contact can help your ex get rid of certain problems and see things more rationally, it’s not a surefire way of re-attracting your ex and starting anew (no technique is). The no contact rule merely gives your ex enough space to stop feeling pressured to talk about things your ex doesn’t want to talk about. This includes relationship plans, unresolved problems, and any topic that drains your ex’s energy and time.

No contact rule is beneficial to both you and your ex. It gives your ex time to enjoy space for a while and lets you start accepting the breakup and loving yourself. At first, it’s hard to stay in no contact and avoid reaching out to the dumper. But the longer you stay away from your ex, the easier it gets. Eventually, staying in it becomes easier than reaching out to your ex and risking getting rejected again.

That’s because you detach from your ex and see your relationship from a different perspective. You see that your ex is just a person and that his or her rejection doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love and commitment. All it means is that there were problems your ex couldn’t or didn’t want to overcome with you and that breaking up seemed like a better idea.

As time goes on, you’ll notice that you blame yourself less and hold your ex more and more accountable for the breakup. This will be your proof of healing and getting your power back. Think of it as a healthy part of the recovery process. When you stop or reduce crying and acknowledge your worth and your ex’s mistakes, you’ll see that no contact has worked on your end.

It may not have brought your ex back, but it accomplished something even better. It eliminated or eased your separation anxiety, fear of abandonment/staying single, and feelings of unattractiveness and unworthiness. When you feel better (in control of your life) and change your perception of your ex, you’ll forget about your ex once and for all and think only about yourself and your loved ones.

You won’t care if no contact works on your ex because it worked on you and made you feel better than ever.

I know it’s hard to think about not wanting your ex back months from now, so don’t worry about the future too much. Worry about the present and the feelings you feel inside you. Your top priority is getting rid of pain and living joyously. The way to do that currently is to make a plan to get back with your ex.

The reason you started no contact was to be with your ex again. You didn’t leave your ex to his or her devices just because you wanted to get over your ex and find someone else. The last thing you wanted was to start a new life with someone else. Due to one-sided feelings for your ex, you hoped your ex would change his or her mind about the breakup and apologize for leaving you.

This is understandable.

Most dumpees stop interacting with their ex because they want to maximize their chances of getting back together with their ex. They don’t care much about healing their wounds if this means they won’t be with their ex. If no contact helps them feel better in the process, it’s great. But their goal is to re-attract their ex and get another chance with their ex.

I initially started no contact with the intention to be with my ex too. I wanted to give my ex space to think things through and come back when she was ready. But when I realized how much less depressed and anxious I felt by minding my own business and leaving my ex alone, I decided to stay in no contact permanently.

I chose to avoid pressuring my ex with my wants, needs, and expectations. This stopped my ex from replying slowly and saying mean and inconsiderate things. If I could go back in time, I’d start no contact even sooner, let my ex be free, and save face.

The no contact rule can be hard not to break the first month or even two. Problems and pain can tempt you to doubt the effects no contact has on your ex and make you reach out to your ex. Conflicting information you receive from friends or people on the internet can also mess with your brain.

It can make you think that you’re wasting your time and that your ex is drifting away from you.

When you feel close to giving up on no contact, remember that talking didn’t work before. Talking is what couples do because they respect and love each other and have common goals.

Ex-couples are different. They have conflicting goals and needs and can’t give each other what they want. They can only get in each other’s way and force each other to feel uncomfortable and scared. As long as their wants and needs differ, they must keep their distance from each other and enjoy life independently.

They must do that until the dumper has an epiphany and realizes he or she has let go of someone great.

They might be able to be friends later, but not anytime soon. Post-breakup friendship is difficult for some exes and impossible for most. Most exes can’t be friends even months or years after the breakup because they can’t disassociate pre-breakup and post-breakup problems and stress from each other.

They vividly remember each other’s behaviors and how they felt when things weren’t working.

So if you’re trying to learn more about the no contact rule, keep in mind that you can’t make the breakup worse by starting no contact. You can make it worse by refusing to give your ex space and asking him or her to have mercy and come back.

In this post, we talk about the no contact rule and why you must follow it if you want to be happy.

What is the no contact rule?

No contact rule is a self-imposed rule that prohibits you from texting and calling your ex, sending your ex pictures and emails, liking your ex’s posts and commenting on them, communicating with your ex through friends, family, and coworkers, and interacting with your ex in person. It’s an essential part of the detachment and re-attraction process.

If you don’t follow the rules of no contact, chances are your ex will feel suffocated and react impulsively. Your ex will say or do something hurtful and complicate your recovery, growth, and chances of reconciliation.

Your ex needs lots of space after the breakup. He or she needs to see you accept the breakup and be okay on your own. When you’re okay, your ex can stop feeling guilty and responsible for helping you control your emotions and love yourself. Your ex can just focus on his or her own wants and needs and let you take care of yours.

Therefore, the no contact rule is essential whether you want your ex back or not. It’s the most important rule you can follow as a dumpee. Not only does it give space and show respect, but it also demands space and respect from your ex. It sets healthy breakup standards that show you’re not willing to downgrade to friendship, friendship with benefits, or any kind of relationship other than the one you lost.

No contact isn’t stonewalling. It’s standing up for yourself and prioritizing your health and well-being. If you don’t prioritize yourself after the breakup and keep chasing your ex, your ex will see that you value the relationship more than yourself. Your insecure behavior will lose your ex’s respect, which is the foundation on which friendships and relationships stand.

Without self-respect and respect from your ex, you can forget about getting back together. It won’t happen because your ex won’t find you attractive and worthy of his or her love and attention.

So if you want to know what the no contact rule is, it’s a self-respect preservation rule. It encourages you to avoid making breakup mistakes such as contacting an ex and begging for another chance. It teaches you to respect yourself, accept unwanted outcomes, and invest in parts of your life that need investing.

It doesn’t, however, guarantee the return of your ex. Nothing and no one can do that because your ex’s return depends on factors outside of your control. The most important ones include your ex’s self-esteem, emotional strength, coping mechanisms, maturity, and risk-taking. If your ex doesn’t put himself or herself into situations that would allow him or her to reflect and miss you, your ex probably won’t come back even if you follow no contact to a T.

A big part of the breakup is accepting your powerlessness and understanding that things might not end the way you want them to. If your ex doesn’t date someone abusive, neglectful, or incompatible, or doesn’t get hurt in some other way, no contact (or contact) won’t make a difference.

It can’t make a difference when your ex has no reason to become notalgic and compare his or her current life to the life he or she left behind.

No contact can work only when your ex overestimates his or he capabilities and gets crushed under the weight of his or her expectations. That’s when the dumper can stop moving on and start wondering if leaving you was the right thing to do.

It’s possible to get your ex back without the no contact rule, but the chances of getting your ex back by talking to your ex and being overly available are much, much smaller. This is because conversations with your ex make your ex see you’re still around and destroy your ex’s sense of urgency.

Your ex won’t come back simply because you’re a decent person. Your ex will come back when he or she experiences some kind of failure, followed by pain and regret. Difficult life situations and emotions are 100x more likely to incentivize your ex to return than random conversations with your ex.

So forget about proving your worth to your ex through direct or direct contact and remember that your ex already knows who you are. He or she doesn’t need to see that you’re willing to fight for the dead relationship. Contrarily, your ex needs to experience a shock, a reflection, and a realization that you were and still are his or her best romantic option.

When your ex sees it, your ex will come running back to you like greased lightning and beg you to take him or her back. In the meantime, go no contact with your ex, respect your ex’s decision and lack of feelings, and preserve your worth. Your ex will do the rest if the situation, personality, and romantic cravings allow it.

If you still want to know “What is the no contact rule,” the picture below may help you with that.

What type of no contact should you follow?

If you’ve heard of no contact, you’ve likely also heard about different types of no contact. They vary in length (7, 15, 30, 45.. days), but they all advocate the same thing – no talking to your ex. Some also support the idea of ignoring your ex’s reachouts, which is disrespectful beyond belief and completely unnecessary.

If you decide to give no contact a shot, make sure it’s indefinite (forever). You don’t want to give your ex only enough time to half-process the breakup and reach out before your ex has developed a desire to converse. If you reach out too quickly, you could smother your ex and ruin your and your ex’s no contact progress.

You could self-sabotage your healing and force your ex to treat you terribly and run for the hills.

You’re probably not ready to get rejected and hurt again. You haven’t even recovered from the first rejection and need to focus on yourself longer. You can do this by adhering to no contact and understanding that your ex will talk to you and want you back when your ex is ready rather than when your pre-determined no contact expires.

If you reach out after 30 days (after following one of the most deceptive no contact rules), you’ll push your ex to his or her limits and see a side of your ex you didn’t know existed.

So if you’re going to do the no contact rule to try to get back with your ex, let it be the indefinite no contact rule. Indefinite NC will give your ex time to get in trouble and figure out if he or she has made the right decision to leave.

If your ex doesn’t need you to resolve his or her problems and decides to move forward rather than backward, your ex will deal with pain and soon move on to someone else. But if your ex needs help with problems and pain and thinks that life was better with you around, your ex will get back in touch and quickly try to get back with you.

Your ex will tell you or show you that he or she regrets dumping you and wants to work on regaining your trust and improving the relationship.

Be patient and wait. You’ll either get over your ex and change the way you think about your ex or get back together with your ex when your ex wants you back.

Did you learn what the no contact rule is and how it works? Do you have any questions regarding this rule? Ask them in the comments below.

And if you’re looking for help with your breakup, get in touch with us on our coaching page.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.