Should I Try And Get Back With My Ex?

If you’re thinking about trying to get back with your ex, you first need to understand that only one person should try to reconcile. That person is the dumper because the dumper was the one who lost feelings, left, and caused immense suffering and problems for the dumpee.

The dumpee should never neglect his or her healing, throw away dignity, and beg the dumper for another chance. Begging is much more than an act of trying to get back with an ex. It’s a desperate attempt at making the dumper take pity on the dumpee and hope that he or she has a change of heart.

Sadly, begging tends not to bring back lost feelings and convince dumpers to reconcile. It usually only makes them feel guilty and pressured rather than regretful and loved as equal partners. Begging tells them their ex doesn’t respect their feelings and choices and that they must keep their ex at a distance for their own good. 

You should only consider getting back with an ex if you left your ex or if the breakup was mutual and your ex still respects you and cares about you. In that case, you should think about the pros and cons of your lost relationship and figure out if anything has changed since the breakup.

Has your and your ex’s mentality, maturity, and behavior improved? Are the issues that broke you up gone? What are you prepared to do to avoid experiencing the same problems and breaking up again? 

These are just some questions you need to ask yourself if you’re contemplating getting back with your ex. The truth is, you’ll have to spend a considerate amount of time pondering about the breakup, trying to understand the positive changes you and your ex both made due to the breakup.

By understanding your changes and improvements, you’ll make certain the relationship can blossom and stay healthy if you give it another chance. Don’t just think about how you feel about your ex. Feelings are important, but feelings alone haven’t saved any couples from breaking up again.

They only made them feel good momentarily until they encountered similar problems and responded the same way as before.

If you want to be realistic, you should focus mainly on the negative things of the relationship. Such things show what needs to change and determine your happiness and the success of your relationship. 

If you know your ex wants to get back together, you mustn’t jump headfirst back into the relationship. You must first talk to your ex and see if the breakup motivated you and your ex enough to mature and make the necessary changes.

Ideally, you should already know you want your ex back before you talk to your dumpee ex. But if you still have reservations, you should have a quick conversation during which you confirm you’re capable of working together romantically.

Conversely, if you want to be with your ex but don’t know if your dumpee ex still wants you back, you can always just reach out and find out. Contact your ex and express a desire to reconnect romantically. If your ex wants you back, your ex will immediately agree to be with you and work on himself or herself.

Your ex might have certain conditions, but your ex will take you back nonetheless.

Most dumpees don’t play games with their dumper. They’re in too much pain and need their ex back right away for validation purposes. Hence, you can expect your dumpee ex to accept you back as long as he or she still has feelings for you.

The decision to get back with an ex is always yours alone to make. My only advice is to make sure you and your ex can resolve problems together, love each other, and regret breaking up. Don’t reconnect as partners if you lack attraction and feelings and have unprocessed resentment, fears, and incompatible goals, values, and personalities. 

If you reconnect with unresolved issues, chances are you won’t resolve them while you’re together. You’ll probably argue and break up again. Only this time, you won’t last as long as you did the first time.

Every reconciliation makes couples less patient and eager to stay together. Reconciliations ruin the innocence, trust, and value of a romantic relationship. They make couples take each other for granted much quicker than before.

So bear in mind that some relationships end for a good reason. They need to stay dead so people can learn from them, move on, and meet people they have more in common with.

Only exes who truly regret breaking up and improve their shortcomings and love for each other should consider giving the relationship one more chance. One chance is enough for serious and remorseful exes to make things work.

In this post, we answer the question “Should I try and get back with my ex?” We discuss whether you should try to reconcile as a dumpee and a dumper and point out some things you need to be aware of.

Should I try and get back with my ex if I was dumped?

Those of you who read the blog already know that dumpees should never make the first move. They should never put themselves in a position of weakness and ask their ex for attention, love, and another chance.

Asking for romance and reassurance after their ex has broken up with them and made it clear the relationship is over is considered weak and disrespectful.

It’s seen as a desperate move to hold on to a relationship that has no reason to exist anymore. 

Therefore, you should avoid talking to your ex about getting back together. You should avoid talking to your ex about anything because your ex hasn’t changed his or her mind about you yet. If he or she wanted you back, your ex would have told you so already.

He or she would have reached out and expressed love and regret.

Since your ex doesn’t regret breaking up with you, you shouldn’t try and get back with your ex. You shouldn’t do anything that shows you expect or want things your ex can’t and doesn’t want to give you. If you reveal your intentions, chances are your ex will feel pressured and scared—and tell you to take a hike.

A direct or indirect rejection will then tell you that you lack the power and ability to influence your ex, which will likely make you feel anxious and depressed. It will make you regret contacting your ex and trying to get back with your ex on your terms. 

So if your ex dumped you and made you want to be with him or her more than ever, know that you shouldn’t try to control the breakup. You may be in a lot of pain, but pain is not a valid reason for asking for love from an ex who left you.

It’s especially not a good reason to ask for love if your ex cheated and left, monkey-branched, ghosted you, or treated you terribly during or after the breakup. An immoral, self-centered, uncaring, bitter, and vengeful ex will probably hurt you again and make you feel much worse than an ex who feels bad for hurting you and wants to help you feel better.

No matter how nice your ex is or was, you should do your best to avoid telling your ex you want to get back together. It’s better that your ex doesn’t know how you feel and what you want.

Keeping your feelings to yourself will make you look detached, happy, secure, and mysterious (attractive) whereas sharing your feelings with your ex will reveal your cards, pressure your ex with expectations, and put your ex in a position to reject you.

Your ex could, of course, take you back even if you do the most desperate things. But if that happens, your relationship probably won’t last long. That’s because your ex won’t have to do anything to gain your trust back and invest in the relationship.

Your ex will get your love and everything he or she needs from you on a silver platter. As a result, he or she won’t make any self-improvement and relationship plans—and will likely take the relationship for granted.

I said it before and I’ll say it again; dumpers value dumpees who make them work for forgiveness, trust, and love. They respect them because they know they’ll have to put their best foot forward if they want to keep their exes interested and committed.

If they get everything for free just because they left the relationship (if dumpees initiate conversations and make reconciliations easy for them), they tend to leave as soon as they get bored or encounter issues.

So whatever you do, don’t try and get back with your ex. Don’t show your ex you’re okay with chasing a person who broke up with you and that you love him or her more than yourself. Self-respect and self-love are your most important assets.

Without them, no ex will come back, take you back, or if you get lucky, stay with you long-term. The dumper will feel emotionally drained and see that he or she has nothing to gain by getting back with you and staying with you.

Nothing positive, that is.

So give up on getting back together if you were dumped. Work on accepting the breakup and letting go of hope. I know this is easier said than done, but acceptance and healing will bring back rational thinking and empower you rather than your ex.

Your ex doesn’t need more power. He or she has to let go of it to consider you an equal worthy of respect. Once your ex thinks you deserve respect, your ex will need an incentive to be with you. Your ex will need to think the life he/she chose is much worse compared to the life he or she had with you.

Such a conviction can trigger nostalgia, fear, cravings for love, and regret.

Until your ex understands your worth and expresses the desire to be with you, you shouldn’t say or do anything when it comes to your ex. You should instead leave your ex in the dark about your life and feelings and wait for your ex to have an epiphany and want you back.

When your ex’s perception of you and feelings improve, your ex will then let you know. He or she will reach out and ask you for another chance (not vice-versa). Your ex will do everything you’re thinking of doing now as a dumpee.

Having said that, here’s why you should never try to get back with an ex on your terms as a dumpee.

Should I try and get back with an ex I dumped?

Before you try to back with an ex you left, you should make certain that you really want to be with your ex. You don’t want to get back together with your ex and give your ex hope just to leave days later. That would devastate your ex and make you look indecisive and selfish.

Your ex has to be certain that you love him or her, regret leaving, and want to work on your shortcomings and the relationship. He or she needs 100% commitment from you. If you can’t give your ex that, you don’t regret leaving.

You probably only feel nostalgic or guilty and miss your ex as a friend. That doesn’t mean you should get back with your ex but that you should deal with unprocessed emotions without your ex. You should leave your ex alone and let your ex deal with more important emotions.

Emotions such as rejection pain, separation anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, and hope.

Don’t make your ex’s life difficult if you just want to talk to your ex and reconcile to stop feeling bad for hurting your ex. To reconcile, you need to believe your ex is the right partner for you and that you’ll do your best not just when things are working but also when they’re not.

That’s the kind of mentality and determination you need to start a new (healthier and stronger) relationship with someone you left.

So before you try to get back with an ex you left, know that you first need to:

• believe you want to be with your ex
• disassociate negative thoughts and feelings from your ex
• trust your ex
• let go of any resentment or fear of getting hurt
• crave your ex’s commitment, validation, and love
• feel a strong desire to invest in your ex and the relationship
• understand that you and your ex have changed or will change and that you can have a better relationship

The chances of reconciliation are much higher for the one who ended the relationship. It’s much more likely that the dumpee will still have feelings for the dumper and want to be in a relationship when the dumper reaches out and asks for forgiveness and love.

That is unless the dumper caused too much pain and waited so long that the dumpee processed the breakup, rebuilt self-esteem, and changed his or her perception of the dumper. In that case, it may be too late for the dumper to fix what he or she broke.

It may be easier for both parties to move on with their life and start a new relationship with someone else. Sometimes it’s not possible to fix a broken relationship. Some exes can’t wipe the slate clean and bury the past.

They can’t stop thinking and feeling negatively, so they stay broken up.

If you want to maximize the chances of being with your ex in the future, you have to be patient and let your dumper ex come to you. That’s the only way your ex will understand your worth and do what he or she needs to be with you.

To sum things up, if you want to reconcile after a mutual or self-initiated breakup, consider reaching out to your ex. Tell your ex you did some thinking and that you want to give the relationship another (serious) try if he/she wants that too.

Your ex will either take you back or reject you. If you get rejected, thank your ex and keep moving on.

However, if you want to get back with the dumper, then you should focus on yourself, detach from your ex, and let your ex do the necessary work.

He or she will contact you and profess feelings if you go no contact (retain your worth) and allow your ex to learn that a single life (or life with someone else) isn’t as fulfilling as it was with you.

Your ex will probably appear scared at first and gradually open up. But when your ex gets comfortable and builds rapport, he or she will likely invite you out and/or ask to get back together. He or she won’t wait long because your absence will cause him or her immense suffering.

So if you’re wondering if you should try and get back with your ex, my advice is to try getting back with your ex only if you willingly left the relationship and know your ex is the right romantic partner for you. Make sure your ex has grown or is willing to grow and have a better relationship than last time.

Are you contemplating getting back with an ex? What’s preventing you from expressing your regrets? Comment below and let us know.

Lastly, for advice on getting back with an ex, check out our coaching page and get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.