Should I Call My Ex If I Want My Ex Back?

Should I call my ex if I want my ex back is the question many dumpees ask themselves. They want to know whether calling and texting their ex will tell their ex that they’re still around, willing to get back together.

If you’re a dumpee and you’re also wondering whether you should call your ex, the quick answer is no. You shouldn’t call your ex after the breakup because it wasn’t your idea to get broken up with and stop communicating in the first place.

It was your ex who initiated the breakup without your consent, so it has to be your ex who calls you and wants you back. It has to be this way so that your ex can give you your lost power and control back.

If you don’t listen to this advice and you contact your ex thinking that your ex will melt when he or she hears your voice, you’re sadly mistaken. You’ll probably just give your ex even more of your power and end up even more hurt.

So don’t do it. Don’t think that you must act before your ex moves on and forgets about you. Although your ex has most likely moved on already (most dumpers do), he or she won’t think less of you if you leave him or her alone.

On the contrary, your ex will think more of you because your absence will make your ex wonder what you’re up to and why aren’t you calling. This, of course, may not bring your ex back because your ex might not be able to develop feelings for you during the time apart, but if the relationship was healthy, time away from you will nonetheless make your ex think about you.

On that note, don’t text, call, or send letters to your ex.

The only time you can call your ex is when you’re:

• mainly or fully over your ex and you’ve settled for friendship
• or if you have unfinished business with your ex (mortgage, loans, children, etc.)

In these cases, it’s okay to call your ex because you won’t reach out just for yourself. You’ll reach out for a joint interest. An interest that concerns both you and your ex equally.

However, if you’re a dumper and your ex is still in the early stages of no contact, then contacting your ex is a big no-no. Unless a year or more has gone by, your ex is most likely still recovering from the breakup and needs more space and time to get over you.

For that reason, your ex must stay in no contact, so think about your ex’s health before you reach out and give your ex false hope.

Consider reaching out an option only if:

• you have unfinished business with your ex
• you want your ex back
• or if there’s a huge emergency that your ex needs to know about

Anything that doesn’t concern your ex as much as it concerns you is, therefore, unimportant to your ex. So keep it to yourself unless your ex will benefit from it too.

In today’s post, we’ll asnwer the question, Should I call my ex if I want my ex back?”

Should I call my ex if I want my ex back?

Let’s first talk about the two main reasons why messaging and calling an ex who left you is a bad idea.

1. It hurts you and sets you back emotionally.
2. It suffocates your ex and triggers his or her need for space.

Calling your dumper ex, hoping that he or she will notice your worth is, therefore, a really bad idea.

Not only does breaking no contact achieve exactly the opposite of what you’re hoping it will do (takes your worth, power, and self-esteem away), but it also traps your ex in an uncomfortable position where your ex doesn’t want to converse but sort of has to out of politeness.

This causes your ex to wonder what to do. He or she knows that responding to a human being is respectful, but on the other hand, it’s not something that your ex wants to do and feel happy about.

Your ex didn’t start the conversation. It was started by you, meaning that your interest is higher than your ex’s. As a result, your ex is stuck with only two options.

1. Your ex can either pick up your call and sacrifice his or her happiness.
2. Or your ex can ignore you and/or make some kind of excuse for not being able to pick up the call.

Of course, there’s also a third option. But if you’re still hurting over the loss of your relationship, it’s not worth the risk. Your ex could be ready to talk to you as a friend and might be okay with talking to you as long as you don’t talk about the breakup and want to get back together.

In that case, you would get stuck in the friend zone with your ex, give your ex what he or she wants (companionship), and as a result, become even more desperate for attention and recognition.

I strongly advise you against taking this route as becoming friends with your ex is going to add problems on top of your existing ones.

Here’s when it’s okay to call your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.

As you know, there are two ways people respond to those who reach out to them. They either want to respond to them or they feel forced to respond.

If your relationship ended quite recently and your ex hasn’t shown an interest in talking to you yet, your ex will most likely fit in the second category.

Your ex will be forced to respond (or think about responding) and won’t like it.

As a dumpee who’s still emotionally dependent on your ex’s responses, the last thing you want is to force your ex to talk to you. Not only will forcing a response lower your ex’s respect for you and decrease your chances of a future reconciliation, but it’ll also make you miserable.

It will hurt you because you won’t get the kind of response you’ve been hoping to get.

Should I call my ex after no contact?

If you’re thinking of calling your ex after no contact, I’d like to dissuade you from doing so as well. Just because your ex has reached out and finally showed a little bit of interest, it doesn’t mean that your ex wants you back and that you should start calling your ex on a daily basis.

You need to understand that your ex’s interest is probably not the kind of interest you’re hoping it would be. The interest is most likely inspired by guilt, sadness, doubt, or curiosity, rather than love and romance.

All an ex reaching out usually means is that he or she has processed the smothering post-breakup emotions and is now in the third or fourth stage of a breakup for the dumper (nostalgia or neutrality).

During these stages, your ex’s love for you can’t magically return on its own without a good reason or incentive. It can, of course, return if your ex ruminates about you long enough to start thinking differently of you (to start missing you), but for love to return, something as simple as calling your ex likely won’t suffice.

For love to reignite, your ex will need to encounter some kind of negative event. Something that inspires your ex to self-reflect. This can be anything from a loss of a job and ambition to getting rejected by another person.

It doesn’t matter what your ex loses as long as your ex cares deeply about it and gets hurt or disappointed when it doesn’t turn out the way your ex expects it to.

So before you pick up the phone and call your ex with the intention to get back together with your ex, keep in mind that your ex’s reach-out is most likely a breadcrumb. It’s probably a meaningless message that wasn’t sent to you to get back with you but rather to validate your ex, relieve guilt, or to befriend you.

You can tell your ex’s message is a breadcrumb if your ex talks to you for a day, doesn’t make plans with you, and then goes back into hiding.

Should I call my ex after a year?

If your ex left you and you’re wondering if you should call your ex after a year of no contact, the answer depends on your emotional state.

If you’re still hurting, calling your ex to get back together is a big no because you need to prioritize yourself. You need to get over the breakup and let go of your expectations before you attempt to talk to your ex.

This is crucial. If you jump the gun and talk to your ex before you’re ready, you’ll end up seriously hurt no matter how long it’s been since your ex left. Healing, unfortunately, isn’t defined by time.

It’s defiined by personal strength and what you engage your heart and mind in.

Besides, your ex is the one who left, so your ex needs to be the one who comes back. This isn’t some silly rule I made up. The truth is that if your ex comes back on your terms, chances are that your ex will leave again because he or she won’t desire you badly enough.

Your ex won’t have given you your power back and come back for the right reasons.

If you’re over your ex, however, and you want to be friends with your ex, then feel free to contact your ex. Your ex might be dating someone else already, but it shouldn’t matter if you’ve healed from the breakup and are truly over your ex.

You should be able to handle the worst.

I’ll contact my ex because I have nothing to lose

Some people make the mistake to contact their ex after a year or even sooner because they think they have nothing to lose by reaching out. The truth though is that if they’re not over their ex, they have everything to lose.

They have their ex’s respect as well as self-respect to lose. When that happens, they’ll also lose the emotional progress they’ve made on themselves during no contact.

So if there’s something you learn from this article, let it be that you shouldn’t text or call your ex before you can handle seeing your ex with someone else. You’re much better off dealing with separation anxiety and focusing on people that matter in your life.

Should I call my ex quiz

Here’s a quick quiz you can take if you’re wondering if you should call your ex.

[quiz]

[question]1Are you hurting over the breakup and want your ex to make you feel better?
[/question]

[wrong]Yes.
[explanation]You mustn’t contact your ex because you’ll get even more hurt when your ex doesn’t respond the way you’d like him or her to respond. It’s best that you keep healing and postpone thinking about reaching out until you’ve let go of expectations of your ex coming back.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[answer]No and neither is my ex. I’m certain of that.
[explanation]In this case, it’s okay to reach out. You and your ex might be able to become good friends and support each other in the future.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[wrong]I’m not, but my ex could be.
[explanation]If you’re a dumpee and you got over your ex already, it’s okay to reach out. You’ll quickly find out if your ex wants to communicate with you.

However, if you’re a dumper and you don’t know what emotional state your ex is in, it’s best that you don’t find out. Your texts and calls could trigger your ex’s anxiety and reset his or her healing.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[/quiz]

[quiz]

[question]2)Do you have something important to discuss with your ex? Something like kids, divorce, moving out, or anything that can’t wait until you’re both ready to talk?
[/question]

[answer]Yes.
[explanation]It’s okay to call your ex if it’s urgent and can’t wait. Especially if it concerns both of you.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[wrong]No.
[explanation]If it’s not important, don’t reach out. Your problems, pain, or concerns may be urgent for you, but it doesn’t concern your ex. Discuss such matters with friends and family members who will gladly listen to you.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[/quiz]

[quiz]

[question]3)Are you with someone new already? If so, is your partner okay with you talking to an ex?
[/question]

[answer]Yes, my partner doesn’t mind.
[explanation]You can call your ex, but keep in mind that continuing to talk to an ex while you’re with someone else is wrong. It’s especially wrong if your ex broke your heart recently and/or you still have feelings for your ex.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[wrong]I don’t intend to tell my partner.
[explanation]Be honest with your partner before you do something that puts your relationship at risk.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[wrong]No, my partner doesn’t like it.
[explanation]It’s not unusual to want to talk to an ex even years or decades after the breakup. But just because it’s unusual and you want to talk to your ex, it doesn’t mean that you should call your ex. If you feel that you haven’t told your ex everything you wanted to tell him or her, find a good therapist. A professional will be able to help you process the past and encourage you to focus on the present. [/explanation]
[/wrong]

[answer]I’m single.
[explanation]You can call your ex as long as you and your ex are over each other.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[/quiz]

[quiz]

[question]4)Did your ex reach out to you?
[/question]

[wrong]My ex just contacted me.
[explanation]This is not the time to take the initiative yet. Your ex reaching out once or twice is most likely just a breadcrumb. Wait for your ex to make plans with you and start dating you again. That’s when you can take your power back and guide your ex back into a relationship with you.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[wrong]My ex has been reaching out for a while now.
[explanation]Reaching out and not making plans shows that your ex isn’t interested in getting back together. Your ex just wants to talk to you because you used to be a big part of his/her life.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[wrong]My ex hasn’t reached out yet.
[explanation]You need to stay in no contact. When/if your ex wants to talk to you/get back together, you’ll be the first to hear about it.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[answer]My ex told me to reach out whenever I want to.
[explanation]Technically, it’s okay to talk to your ex, but your ex probably just wanted to be nice to you. Don’t get pulled into meaningless conversations if you want the best for yourself.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[/quiz]

[quiz]

[question]5)What’s your relationship with your ex like?
[/question]

[answer]My ex has been inviting me out/trying to meet up with me.
[explanation]This is usually a very good sign. Although you can call your ex, it’s still better to let your ex do most of the work if you’re trying to get back with your ex. If you want to be friends, however, then feel free to call your ex.[/explanation]
[/answer]

[wrong]My ex doesn’t talk to me/ignores me.
[explanation]Unless your ex respects you romantically, as a friend, or at the very least as a human being, it’s very important that you stay in no contact. You have to heal and regain your lost respect/self-respect. [/explanation]
[/wrong]

[wrong]My ex and I sleep together.
[explanation]Your ex wants the best of both worlds. It’s best that you don’t have sex with your ex because it will keep your hopes up. You’ll feel good when you’re with your ex, but when you’re apart, you’ll feel used and unsure of yourself. It’s best that you stop calling and making plans with your ex.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[wrong]My ex acts like my partner but doesn’t commit.
[explanation]This doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex is on his or her way back to you. More often than not, it indicates confusion – that your ex likes you as a person but not as a romantic partner.[/explanation]
[/wrong]

[/quiz]

Thank you for reading. I hope you now know when it’s okay to call your ex. Post your thoughts and ask questions below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.