She Broke Up With Me But Still Wants To Be Friends

If your girlfriend broke up with you but still wants to be friends, you need to know that many women offer their ex friendship after the breakup. They don’t do it because they have feelings for their ex but because they don’t want to lose their ex completely.

They’re self-conscious of their actions or afraid of leaving their ex alone, so they try to keep their ex in their lives to a minimum degree and get what they need from them to move on.

Dumpers do this because it tells them that their ex:

• doesn’t think badly of them or despise them
• still respects them and possibly even wants them
• and that their ex has accepted the breakup and that he won’t push for reconciliation (make them feel guilty)

A friendship offer from an ex after the breakup is oftentimes a very selfish gesture. It may seem like a friendly invitation because the dumper is taking the initiative to be on talking terms again, but in reality, it’s anything but a friendly invitation. More often than not, a friendship invitation from an ex has only one purpose – to help the dumper relieve her guilt and move on.

You can tell your ex wants to process the past and move on when she isn’t completely happy with the way things ended. She’s happy with the results (the separation), but she’s not too happy about the approach she chose or the effect it had on you. This is why she wants to establish a friendship and breadcrumb you whenever she feels guilty, anxious, hurt, doubtful, sad, nostalgic, worried, or even angry and vindictive.

Lots of women dumpers like to reach out after the breakup. At least initially (within the first month) because they feel bad for what they’ve done. They hate that they’ve hurt a person who was loyal to them until the end.

But eventually, many women usually stop reaching out and leave their dumpee confused and broken-hearted.

Since you’re a dumpee, you must know that you and your ex are facing different post-breakup challenges. While your ex feels smothered and guilty (if she’s a decent person), you feel hurt, betrayed, and hopeful for a reconciliation. You feel that your ex can heal your breakup wounds and make you feel better.

Although she definitely can make you feel better, bear in mind that she can only take your pain away if she comes back. She can’t help you feel better when she’s there for you only as a friend. At least not much. A friendship with an ex only gives you a small portion of your ex’s attention and the intimacy that you so badly crave.

My advice is to not get too excited if your ex-girlfriend broke up with you but still wants to be friends. You should keep in mind that she has certain reasons for wanting to be friends with you. And those reasons are not as selfless as you may think.

Her reasons help her relieve her guilty conscience, doubts, and sometimes even nostalgia—and enable her to move on as quickly and painlessly as she can.

Look, I’m not saying you should make her moving on more difficult than it is. All I’m saying is that you don’t want to entertain a person who wants to be your friend when you’re not ready to be her friend. You should first process your separation anxiety and get over her and only then consider being her friend.

This is something that could take you many months as getting over the breakup takes time. How much time it takes depends on the length of the relationship, the seriousness, the struggles you faced together as a couple, and your self-esteem.

And generally speaking, as long as you’re not happy on your own, don’t think that a friendship with your ex will help. The truth is that it won’t help. It will likely reopen your wounds and make you desperate for your ex’s love and attention again.

I warn dumpees about this on a daily basis. I tell them that dumpers tend to break up with their partners for themselves, reach out for themselves, and get back together for themselves. It’s just the way breakups are. We need to accept their dark nature and learn how to handle them so that we don’t get stuck in the friend zone with an ex.

In this post, we’ll answer the question, “What to do if she broke up with me but still wants to be friends?”

Why does she want to be friends after breaking up with me?

From what I see, women want to stay friends right after the breakup because they feel bad for hurting their ex. They don’t despise their ex-boyfriend/ex-husband, so they offer friendship out of concern for his well-being.

By doing so, they comfort their ex and tell him that their relationship isn’t completely over. They can still remain in touch and talk about anything they want to. Anything that doesn’t remind them of their romantic relationship that is.

If there’s one particular topic exes hate talking about with their ex it’s their relationship. They hate it because it reminds them why their relationship failed, brings out their unprocessed feelings, and makes them feel guilty for ending the relationship.

Dumpers would much rather just pretend the relationship never happened and talk about shallow things. Things like the news, work, hobbies, vacation, and so on. Such topics keep them focused on the present whereas old, nostalgic conversations make them feel guilty, smothered, or angry.

So if your ex still wants to be friends with you and you’re wondering if you should downgrade to a friendship, know that if you do that that you’ll be very limited as to what you can talk about with your ex. You’ll be permitted to talk about things that don’t remind your ex of the past and make her feel guilty and pressured.

But since you’re a dumpee, you’ll most likely want to talk about the relationship because you’ll want your ex back. You’ll feel that you had lots of great moments with her and that you need to remind your ex of them to win her back.

This will, in turn, put your expectations on your ex and trap her in a very uncomfortable position. In a position that will make her want to run away from you. But because your ex doesn’t want to hurt you again, she won’t be able to run away.

She’ll want to do the right thing for as long as she can.

I say for as long as she can because when your ex finds herself midway between doing the right thing and running away, discontent will build up very quickly. And it will keep building up until your ex discerns that she needs to look after herself (do what it takes to be happy) and stop responding. That’s when you’ll get rejected for the second time and suffer from a loss of hope.

My advice is to avoid getting stuck in a friend zone with your ex from the very beginning. Tell your ex politely that you need some time to yourself and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready to be friends. Don’t be afraid of rejecting your ex-girlfriend’s friendship invitation.

You have a responsibility to prioritize your healing before you do something that could hinder it.

With that said, here are 6 reasons why your ex broke up with you but still wants to stay friends.

Why does she want to be friends after months?

If it’s been months and your ex suddenly wants to be friends, your ex has most likely processed her smothering emotions and realized that she’s ready to talk to you. Maybe she realized that she treated you unfairly and that she should have been there for you and is now ready to do that.

Or maybe she tried to date someone new and failed, got hurt—and now wants to see what you think of her.

Whatever the case may be, if she broke up with you but wants to be friends after months, she wants things to go her way. She wants to be your friend because that’s what she wants or needs to be happy and not because it’s the best for you.

Remember that if she had your best interests at heart that she would have at some point asked you if you’re emotionally ready to be friends with her. She wouldn’t just contact you out of the blue and say, “Let’s be friends.”

A friendship invitation from the dumper happens for a reason. And that reason usually has something to do with the dumper:

• processing the smothering emotions and becoming emotionally ready to be friends
• wanting to know that the dumpee is okay and holds no ill feelings toward her
• getting hurt, anxious, broken-hearted, depressed, sad, miserable, nostalgic, guilty…
• having no one else to talk to and being inconsiderate of the dumpee’s need for space

If your ex-girlfriend didn’t ask you if you’re okay and ready to talk, you can assume that she wants to be your friend because of one of the above reasons. But if she claims she gave you some time to get over her, then she probably distanced herself out of care and respect for you.

I encourage you to get to the bottom of this before you agree to a friendship with your ex.

How to get your ex girlfriend back when she wants to be friends?

If your ex-girlfriend or ex-wife broke up with you but still wants to be friends, you need to know what her invitation really means. You need to know that she’s asking you to be friends not because she’s in love with you but because she wants to be on good terms with you.

She wants to rely on you only as a friend and make sure that the relationship gives her peace and reassurance.

This means that she wants to be friends with you (nothing more) and talk about the present and the future. She’ll probably also talk to you about the people she dates and make your life very difficult.

As a person who still has hope for reconciliation, this is something you mustn’t allow yourself to get dragged into. Seeing your ex get close to someone new would hurt you and make you feel used. So keep in mind that she broke up with you and wants to be friends because she wants to be on good terms with you.

She respects you as a person, but when it comes to romantic attraction, it’s just not there. At least not right now.

That’s why if you have respect for yourself, you shouldn’t immediately accept your ex’s friendship offer. In fact, you shouldn’t accept it as long as you need your ex back.

Assuming that the breakup is still fresh, you should politely reject your ex’s offer and tell her that you’ll contact her when you’re emotionally ready to be friends. After that, ask her not to reach out anymore and wish her all the best.

This will tell her that you respect yourself enough not to settle for friendship. It’s a relationship or nothing. In all honestly, ceasing all communication is way better than friendship because you really don’t want your ex to date someone else and confide in you about him.

You want to heal and get over your ex and not worry about whether your ex’s next relationship is a rebound and if she’ll come back if it ends.

I encourage you to focus on rebuilding your self-esteem. Get your happy self back by following the indefinite no contact rule and you’ll see that being friends with your ex after the breakup is a very difficult, almost impossible task.

As a dumpee, you want your ex to validate your importance while your dumper ex wants to keep you in her life to ease her guilt and rely on you for emotional support.

The reason why staying friends with your ex likely won’t help you get her back is that your ex won’t see a reason to get back with you. She’ll know she has you in her life as a friend—and that will be enough for her. For your ex to want you back, she has to feel a sense of urgency and feel that she can no longer have you and use your services.

This is how she can ponder about your good traits and start to miss some of them.

So don’t think that staying friends with your ex will help you get your ex back. It can, but it’s much more likely that you’ll get your ex back if you cut your ex out of your life.

I know it sounds mean to do that to a person who wants you as a friend, but bear in mind that your ex won’t respect you very much if you don’t respect yourself. Respect is the foundation on which love can grow, so make sure you develop self-respect.

What do I do if I already agreed to be friends with her?

If it’s too late to reject your ex’s friendship invitation, wait for your ex to reach out to you again. Wait for her to message you or call you and tell her you’re not ready to talk to her yet. Say you thought you were ready but that you realized you need more time to yourself.

Depending on your ex’s understanding of your need for space, she might accept your decision on the spot or try to fight it. No matter what she does, make sure you remain firm but respectful.

Convey to her that you have nothing against her but that you aren’t ready to be her friend yet.

Your ex might not like that, but honestly, it’s not about your ex anymore. It’s about your emotional health—and you need to take care of it. You especially need to take care of it when your ex wants to be your friend because that’s when you are the most vulnerable to emotional setbacks.

So simply tell your ex-girlfriend that you want to be friends but not now. Now you need to focus on yourself and on the things you enjoy.

Did your ex-girlfriend break up with you but still wants to be friends? Did you accept her invitation? Share your story below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.