First of all, let me start by saying that the contact rule always works when you use the rule to move on after a devastating breakup. No contact is the best method for getting yourself back as it forces you to stay away from your ex and allows you to prioritize yourself and those you love.
There truly is no better way to move on than cutting your ex off and focusing on things that give you joy.
As you know, time heals all wounds, and time in no contact undoubtedly contributes to your detachment. It lets you forget about your ex and encourages you to shift your focus to things that are happening outside your body. Such things help you regain your identity and boost your happiness and self-esteem.
If you want to get your ex back, then the no contact rule is 99.9% of the time the best thing you can do. This self-imposed rule gives your ex the time to cool off, allows your ex to forget some of the negative memories that led to the breakup, and most importantly, prevents you from making post-breakup mistakes that could push your ex away and make you blame yourself.
So trust that the no contact rule is good for you and your ex. Trust that it gives dumpers and dumpees exactly what they need after the breakup to process the breakup and be happy.
The no contact rule, however, may not be able to help you if your relationship was toxic, abusive, or just not worth fixing. Nothing you say or do will save a relationship that was meant to end because your ex has developed extremely unhealthy opinions of you that not even your ex can do anything about.
Those opinions are called associations, and they reside deep within your ex’s subconscious mind.
In this post, we’ll discuss when the no contact rule does not work.
The no contact rule does not work when:
1)You were distant and unreceptive
If you neglected your partner by ignoring his or her needs and overprioritized yours, going no contact likely won’t work on your ex. It won’t make your ex realize your commitment to the relationship because your ex will remain certain that he or she deserves more than you can offer.
Your ex has been thinking negative thoughts for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Nobody knows much time your ex spent destroying or neglecting the relationship, but the point is that merely going no contact won’t fix the past nor make the present any better. Your ex will need to get involved with someone worse than you to see the good in you.
That’s just the way reconciliations work. Dumpers need to compare their ex to someone worse to realize their ex’s worth.
But just because no contact may not work in this situation, that doesn’t mean that contacting your ex and apologizing to your ex will. You have to understand that you can’t change your ex’s negative associations simply by showing your ex that you’re ready to be more attentive to his or her needs and emotions.
It’s a bit too late for that as your ex has already started looking after his or her needs and won’t let you get close again. Not even if you beg and plead. Begging will probably get you blocked because your ex will finally feel in control and want nothing to do with you anymore.
It’s possible that your ex will want to date someone opposite of you because that person will appear stronger and give your ex more reassurance, love, confidence, and security.
2)You messed up big time
If you were physically or emotionally abusive and your ex has pulled the plug on you, no contact may not work for you either. Your ex won’t be able to trust you again because your ex will keep his or her guard raised and stay away from you.
You can wholeheartedly apologize to your ex and promise you’re never going to make the same mistake again, but your ex won’t forgive you that easily. Your ex will feel frightened and angry and will push you away when you try to weasel your way back into a relationship.
So what do you do if you did something nasty to your ex, let’s say you called your ex something awful or took revenge after the breakup and humiliated your ex?
If your ex hasn’t blocked you everywhere yet, I suggest that you apologize briefly once. Don’t send any breakup letters or gifts because your ex won’t know what to do with them, but if the breakup happened recently and you still speak, just send a text acknowledging that you shouldn’t have done what you did and that you hope your ex recovers from it quickly.
Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything like that because the apology will be for you, not your ex. And that will just annoy your ex more. If you’re going to apologize, make sure to apologize selflessly without expectations. Your ex will then either forgive you or not.
Whatever happens, you must adhere to no contact and do your best to detach from your ex. You mustn’t try to prove that you’re changing or that you’ve changed because your ex doesn’t care about that anymore. Your ex has given up on you and won’t take you back even if you somehow prove you’ve done the necessary work on yourself.
3)You kept begging for months
If you did a lot of begging and pleading, you probably showed your ex that you can’t carry on on your own and by doing so, destroyed your romantic value. Now that you’ve done that, you’ll have an extremely hard time improving the way your ex sees you. Even no contact won’t be very effective because of your ex’s new unhealthy perception of you.
It will probably take a lot more than no contact for your ex to forget the begging and feel love for you.
You have to understand that love requires respect and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either. He or she will probably hold on to the negative perceptions of you for power and control and look for people with more self-respect.
This is why it’s so important to start no contact as soon as your ex breaks up with you. The sooner you go no contact, the fewer post-breakup mistakes you’ll make and the less respect your ex will lose for you.
The problem is that most dumpers are anxious and feel the need to fight for their ex’s love and reason with their ex.
They usually need some time to regain their composure and realize that they won’t achieve anything by begging for a second chance. They’ll just make their ex furious and ruin their persona.
So if you’re hurt and feel like begging your ex for another chance is the best thing you can do, think twice before you abandon your dignity and pride. Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to be in his or her control.
4)You made a lot of rookie mistakes
Stayed friends with your ex
If you stayed in frequent contact with your ex, you inadvertently showed your ex that you were happy to settle for friendship and that you would help your ex deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions.
You let your ex know that you were ready to stay friends as long as you could keep talking to your ex and feel needed. Little did you know that your ex won’t discover your worth because of that and that you made it easier for your ex to move on without guilt or shame.
I’m not saying your ex should feel guilty or ashamed, but that you showed your ex you supported your ex as a friend and that you’ll stick around even when your ex starts dating someone else.
Took the initiative with your ex
If you tried to make your ex notice your confidence by acting like the breakup didn’t affect you and invited your ex out like a true alpha, that most likely didn’t help at all. It probably just suffocated your ex and made him or her reject you.
Rejections don’t necessarily make the no contact rule ineffective, but the more times you embarrass yourself by asking your ex to meet up with you, the less your ex has to invest in you and the more alone time he or she craves.
So if you’ve been inviting your ex out on a date so you could somehow impress your ex, get rid of the idea that you must take the initiative and show that you can be a confident leader. Although confidence is important, breakups aren’t about taking the lead.
They’re about letting your ex take the initiative and giving you back the power he or she took from you.
Always remember that the dumper is responsible for putting in the effort and coming back and that the dumpee needs to focus on healing and rebuilding self-esteem.
Refused to accept the breakup and move on
Denial is another big error that will make your ex’s return more difficult during no contact. Resisting your ex’s decision to terminate the relationship is not as courageous as dumpees initially think. It’s clingy and weak as it shows they lack the strength to pull away from a person who rejected them.
Denial may seem attractive in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it’s the opposite. When a dumper decides to end the relationship, the person in denial (the dumpee) forces him or her to feel guilty, pressured, and disrespected and brings out the worst in him or her.
Oftentimes, the dumper gets angry and does something disrespectful that makes the dumpee regret reaching out.
So if your ex broke up with you and you’re wondering if it’s too late for no contact because you refused to accept the breakup, know that it’s never too late to start no contact. If you were in denial for months and said that you’ll always wait for your ex, it may be too late for your ex to see you in a better light, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get yourself back.
If you go no contact today, every day should feel a bit better. That’s because you’ll finally stop making your ex reject you and start focusing on people who want you in your life.
Set deadlines that are out of your control to meet
The no contact rule doesn’t work if you decide when, where, and how no contact is going to work. Setting deadlines and pinning hope on them can be extremely unhealthy and disappointing because reconciliations are completely out of your control.
You have no idea when or if your ex will come back, so don’t expect your ex to come back by a certain date. It likely won’t happen because something must first happen to your ex to change the way your ex perceives you. Something or someone must hurt and disappoint your ex because that’s the only way your ex will reflect on the relationship and compare life before to life after.
So if you’re hoping for the no contact rule to work in 30 days or whenever you want it to, know that you’re playing with fire. You’re expecting your ex to hit a rough patch very quickly and come running back to you just because you’re still hurting.
Although some dumpers definitely get hurt very quickly, most, unfortunately, don’t. Most dumpers need months or years to fully experience the grass is greener syndrome and realize their ex was good to them.
Did you handle the breakup well? Do you think that no contact doesn’t work? Share your thoughts below the post.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your no contact experience, click here to subscribe to 1 on 1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
I appreciate your articles.
My ex dumped me 6 months ago and has since started dating someone else (and posting casual photos with the guy, according to mutual friends) after being with her for almost 5 years.
I know I made plenty of mistakes in the relationship, none that I would consider grave. We were talking about marriage and our future during the breakup but now she insists she deserves better treatment. I’ve been putting in the work to be a better person, for my own sake. To not rely on other people for my own happiness; codependency was apparent in the both of us.
I’ve reached out a handful of times since but have gone no-contact after I found out about her new guy. She told me she needed time and space and I was doing my best to respect that. During the course of our relationship her insecurities were apparent and I didn’t always say the right things to help appease them, sometimes being too critical instead.
What are the odds things work out? I love this woman and although it’s been getting easier with time, it still hurts me to the core that she can be with someone else mere months after having something so concrete with me. My hope is that we can find our way back to each other, but I can’t be the only one putting in effort.
Jess
Hi Jesse.
I can’t tell you what the odds are because they depend on hundreds of factors. It’s best that you follow the rules of no contact and find out for yourself. If your ex is the right person for you, she’ll forgive your mistakes and come back. If not, then she’ll keep thinking of herself as the victim and move on completely.
Best regards,
Zan
Does no contact rule works if my ex already know about no contact rule
Hi Gk.
It can. But it depends on many factors, most of which are out of your control.
Best regards,
Zan
Six months ago, my bi polar ex broke with me because I told her that she should try to treat me better. She was mad at me and did not talk to me since. I texted her on several occasions to talk to her. She totally ignored me. I decided to go no contact 9 weeks ago. I am always thinking about her and it is annoying. We have been friends for 10 years and intimate for about 2 years. We are older people in our 50th and we did not leave together. We would hang out during the week-end and go on vacation together. I have always been very kind, patient, nice and generous with her even when she had her narcissist tantrum. Despite this, our relationship was fine with me and I think for her too. I really miss her. Those past six monts have been very hard. I am resisting to contact her again since I think she is the one who should contact me if she wants to talk to me again. It has been 6 months and 9 weeks without any contact. Sometimes, I think she has been using me and just did not care about me. No contact is not working with me and I just cannot move on. I feel weak. Should I contact her and told her “this situation is absurd; we did not see each other for six months. Do you want to talk?
Zan, this is going to be long….. but I need advice. So I’ll start this off from the beginning. New girl started at my job. For a few months we go to know each other. One day my friend told me she really liked me. So the next time she saw me she got my number. We talked a bit. I told her I wanted to date her and liked her. She said she liked me to. She went to Florida for the weekend. I text her when she got back. Didn’t reply the few times I tried. But then text me on the weekend. Ignored it till Monday since. She didn’t text me the few times I tried… big mistake. So few more weeks go by I arrange the date she said yes. But when the day came up she backed out saying she had things she needed to do. Keep in mind we were co workers so we talked and flirted a lot. I set up the next one. But she tells me she isn’t ready for a relationship and her life’s to complicated. I said ok if she changes her mind I think we would be great together. But a week goes by I talk to her. I told her how I felt that I didn’t care about her complications I liked her and would deal with them with her. I just want her to want me for me. She said I was the first person she noticed and she was trying to get close to me…. So I kissed her hand and told her what I said before. She told me she wanted me… at the end she asked to hangout but I declined that day since I had to pack and get up at 5 am…. A few more weeks pass. We went on a drive through date. At the end she wanted the kids to feel natural. So she kissed my hand and I kissed hers when I left. A few more days pass by I ask how she thought the date went she said great! I asked when she wanted a second one. She said she didn’t know she was moving and wanted to take things really slow… I held her hand till she stopped because she didn’t want people jealous. I didn’t like the slow thing since I felt I was being led on. She wanted tacos but I declined after work. A buddy found a Chinese place I went to sent her a pic… she said without me and I said next time. I regret that so much. 😢 but she told my friend I’m her boy. One day a co worker asks if she seen the new Batman. She asks me I’m like when we going but then her coworkers says she seen it already. For some reason doesn’t want to go. My friend calls her up since they work on a out rotation and he says he’s with when they were on the phone. She tells me she loves and misses me. I don’t say anything to mess with her as a joke. Next day she video calls me with him she says she loves and misses me. Wants to do ditty things I laugh of course. She tells me she’ll always love me. My friend told me how she talks about me non stop. Few weeks past she hasn’t text me in a few weeks. I try 3 different times. I know something’s wrong….. when I talk to her she now has a boy friend. I told her I thought she wanted me. She said she did. But we never did anything. She told me she needs attention everyday. She never addressed this to me. She told me to trade into her shifts but she didn’t with me either. I asked would she give me another chance. She paused for 30 seconds and said of course! If I’m single I’m single. She never told me she needed to see me more. When she said she want to take it slow I thought it was because of the moving and she was busy since she never talked to me. I never neglected her. She never told me she needed that much. Of course I did what every fool did. I tried, she said her being somewhere else I wouldn’t see her. I told her I would of came any time she wanted me to and that’s what I wanted to. She said she wish she talked to me first. The last time I saw her. I spoke my mind. I told her I want to give her the attention she needed but didn’t know. She said but I didn’t. I told her because she was moving and wanted to take it slow. But hated not talking for her for weeks. She told me to trade into her shifts but I didn’t. I told her I should of… I told her I really liked her and she said she really liked me as a person. But she was happy with her relationship and I should respect that. She found out how sad I was too. And told me not to base my happiness off someone else. I told her I didn’t. All the co workers thought she was a monster and I told her she wasn’t. I told her I wanted to stay in touch but she said it wasn’t a good idea. Since her new boyfriend at the time. I asked how about in a few months she said we’ll see. During the day though she was very friendly and messed around with me kept staring and talking to me. But at the end I told her bye. She said bye but in sarcastic way I found odd. I texted her when she left to hmu if she wanted to see me. A few months go by and I send her a text how’s the cities she said it was good bro. How have I been?I tell her I’ve been good. Been busy with work. She agrees. I joke to her…. No reply. Next week sent her text a funny meme about the date we went on before. Very positive reaction. But a joke to keep it going, nothing…. She broke up with that guy, has a new one. She has daddy issues I guess, dates older. She’s 23 now dating a 50 year old. Flys her everywhere, buys her everything. I guess he was her photographer. Any way I sent her a text a few weeks ago. Get the hahahahahahahaha I do it again text. I try to keep it going but nothing. Now. Alll I want to say is I think of this girl night and day. I feel it’s my fault and I want her back. I never neglected her. Just those few things on top she turned me down a few times to. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want a second chance. I feel like no contact won’t work since the one date and had most interactions at work. I feel like she’s never going contact me again. I want her to think about me again. I want to show her my worth. I don’t know what to do anymore…
Hi Matthew.
This person kept her options open until she found someone else and became certain that he could take care of her better than you could. You didn’t make any mistakes. Sure, you pushed her a bit to be with you, but even if you backed away, she would have chosen him in the end. It was only a matter of time because she was dating multiple people at the same time. What she had with you was an infatuation that burned out very quickly. She took it slowly with you because she liked getting that guy’s attention and didn’t want to say no to you until she was certain about him.
The best advice I can give you is to stay away from her. She’s not the person you think she is.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi zan
My ex and I have broken up he’s a dismissive avoidant and I’m anxious preoccupied we have a child together and I tried many times to do no contact so I can regain myself worth and strength but he refuses. I would like to get back together but that’s looking like it will never happen. It’s been a year now since the breakup and I don’t know what to do.
Thank you Ali
Hi Ali.
What do you mean he refuses? You have to go no contact regardless of what he says. If you live in the same house, communicate only about essential things, such as your child. He needs to see you won’t stick around if you don’t get the commitment you deserve.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, Just a short question on a little different subject that has me concerned a little. Six or eight months ago after my ex blocked me on social media and my phone number nearly 18 months earlier. I had moved to north florida and I decided to get a local phone number in my area. This was the last time I messaged my ex before she blocked my new number. Anyway my ex allowed me to message her a few times with that new number, for a few days before I guess I messaged her too much, annoyed her and got blocked again. She never once replied back but my iphone always said READ. Anyway the one sided conversation was about jewelry I bought her while I was buying a new watch band at a jewelry store (mine broke). and I told her I bought her a necklace and combo birthstone necklace and earrings since she had a birthday coming up in a few months. It was shortly after that, that she blocked me again. I have been in “no contact” since that minute she blocked me again. My question is, do I need to keep my word and send the jewelry to her that I said I bought her? I don’t want her thinking I lied and really didn’t buy her anything but was only trying to get her to talk to me
Hi Will.
You needn’t send her the jewelry you said you’d bought for her. The woman left you and blocked you, so she doesn’t deserve nor want your gift. I suggest you resell it or give it to someone else. You won’t be a liar if you don’t give her the jewelry. You’ll be an ex who respects himself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Does NO CONTACT work on Narcissists and Borderlines also?
It can work on them too, Will.
Give it a try!
Zan
This post has me confused. It says that if my ex had no feelings or expectations of me (the dumpee), and the dumper has to want to get back together. ‘If the dumper doesn’t want anything from you, you can forget about making your ex want you back. This is a very bleak scenario and it doesn’t give me any hope of any kind. She of course has told me many times over 20 years that she didn’t love me but enjoyed what we had. We had so much fun together and I helped raise her two boys from diapers to joining the military. Out of the blue she dumped me and two years later it’s still radio silence. I took thousands of pictures of her, her boys birthdays, disney trips, chrismas, thanksgiving, halloween costumes, was present at their schools and marching high school bands and tons more. I have since gotten rid of the pictures by mailing them to her in a flash drive so I wouldn’t keep torturing myself by looking at them. To my knowledge I’ve never hurt her and it was extremely rare if we ever argued. We got along great. Years earlier I got tired of her driving an old car and it always breaking down. I bought her a new SUV and surprised her with it and she was so thrilled. As I had already said, one day out of the blue I was dumped. She returned the SUV first and dumped me. She messaged me she was returning her car and even messaged where she left the car keys and that’s the last time she ever communicted with me. A few days later she blocked me on her phone and social media too. Why am I so concerned about one day maybe hearing from her if my chances are slim to non. The first part of this blog came from another post but I coulgn’t remember the name of the post.This post I just read now says the same but about pleading and begging. I did that a lot the first year but have been in “no contact,” since. If my actions gives me no hope then why stay in no contact since You believe I screwed up royally by sending the flash drive with her family pictures that I took myself and pleading and begging several times the first year until I was blocked on facebook, Linkedin and blocked on two phone numbers. It’s been one month short of two years but pestered her for about 18 months every few months until I finally got over her 5 months ago and found a new girlfriend.
I posted I pestered her alot the first year by messaging her quite often before she blocked me everwhere but it was closer to 18 months and now next month it will be two years after being dumped on September 27, 2020. I’ve been “no contact,” for 6 months now. I really have no desire to get back with her but I do have many questions I’d like to ask her for Closure purposes. I hope I haven’t ruined my chances of ever talking to her again!
Hi Will.
The purpose of the article isn’t to give hope, but to take it. Hope is making you stay attached to your ex. Regardless of the mistakes you made, you have to stay in no contact. It’s the only way the power could shift in your favor.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am going through some hard times.
My ex girlfriend broke up with me in January so now 7 months ago and she started a new relationship, in which she seems to be really happy, at the end of March, at least I think. I am 33 she is nearly 28. Her new boyfriend is 35. I said I think because I got her from her ex boyfriend not once but twice. So I am starting to think the same thing could have occurred.
The break up was definitely my fault, well I have never cheated on her but I made promises I haven’t kept. Basically I had a dependency to drugs, weed, which was very debilitating. And so after our first argument I promised her I would have stopped. I started seeing a therapist and I managed to stay away from it for 6 momths, then I started again and briefly after she discovered we had a brief argument but we managed to go over it and, honestly from that point the relationship seemed to go even better. During last summer I had a ton of work, I had just two days off in three months, and, my bad I got back in the same habits also this time I got discovered shortly after, this time we argued for nearly a month and then we started again, also this time when we got back together things looked to be even better I am starting a business in Capri (Italy) a b&b (we were both colleagues in a hotel) and we should have made this our first stone together plus we were talking of marriage and children, we took a small vacation for ourselves and until Christmas things were wonderful. Two days after Christmas she got covid, and also if I was negative I had to isolate myself and I couldn’t stay at my place as my mother had cancer, and it was too risky for her, I lost my father suicidal in 2018
After 5/6 days by myself I moved at her place and I stayed there for a week or so, we had a couple of fights (I have been in jail for 6 months when I was 23, so forced reclusion is something that really affects me). When we got out she asked me to talk as she had still issues in trusting me after my mistakes but eventually we decided to keep trying. Unfortunately my younger sister got pregnant from a man 30 years older than her that treated her very poorly, so I had my mind in a completely different place. On the 23rd of January we went on to one day trip where in 14 hours together I haven’t said a single word and three days later she left me. I went into straight no contact also if in that time I started again with weed and after three weeks she texted me because her brother’s partner gave birth to two wonderful twins, and she didn’t want me to learn it from someone else. I responded very cold to her but than sent a very nice message to her mother and her brother. And after a couple of days I went to her place to make her a surprise. We had a very nice time and we agreed on keeping in touch. So on Valentines I sent her flower and a gift with a letter. The day after we met and we have been good, kissed and hugged for hours and she asked if we wanted to start again casually. I said it was better no, as I wasn’t ready, I was still in a very bad place also because my mother was starting to be always worse. But we both agreed to keep in touch and to think a little more about it. Than 4 days later I met her outside of a disco, just behind my house, with her brother some of his friends, and I hade a very bad reaction as I was very jealous and never liked one of them. We argued all night also via text when we left, but the day after we decided to see each other for closure as that couldn’t be the ending of something so beautiful. So we met two days after and we split. On the 8th of March for woman day I brought her and all her friends relatives flowers and we had a nice chat, then 3 days later i trued to ask her out for coffee but she said no and I completely freaked out, so we argued. On the 2nd of April I noticed that she removed all my pictures and the pictures together from instagram. And I confronted her and after asking she said she had started to date someone else and that’s why she did. So I asked a common friend to speak with her the day after but she said that she just wanted to go on with her life. I week later I texted her to inform her that my mother was even worse and that the situation was quite desperate but we argued again as she didn’t believe me and tought was a way of attracting her back. One week later I brought her a letter at her workplace and at the beginning she was happy but then we argued again as she said that for me it had to be a yes because also uncertainty for me would have not been enough so we argued also on the phone later that day and she finally blocked me everywhere. I even asked my sister and my ex that saw me desperate to talk with her. And I made things even worse. On yhe 2nd of may one day after my birthday my mother passed away and she didn’t even text me. So two weeks later I saw her scooter and waited for her, I apologized for what I did but also asked how she could ignore such a circumstance she said that my sister and my ex calling were the last straw also because I have always been a very confident guy and she didn’t see that guy anymore. She asked what you want from me, and I answered you. And she reminds me of her boyfriend I said that I don’t fear confrontation with whoever, she then told me that she is happy with hi but more important she is in peace and that she doesn’t lose sleep thinking that I canne liying to her or that I can be fighting (I am very short tempered) with someone, and she left. Fat forward one month I met her at a supermarket and When she saw me she came by to say hi and I could tell from her eyes that she was really emotional so I met her again outside and asked her for a coffee when she refused saying we don’t have nothing else to discuss I even trued to get her scooter’s keys to make her stay but I stopped immediately. And she left. Two or three days later I met her and just said her (I was on my bike and I didn’t even put feet on the ground for how brief I was) I am sorry for last time. And then I left. I went to my bestfriend’s bar where we spent a lot of time together and 3 minutes after I saw her stopping by and looking if I was there then when our eyes met she ran away.
Three weeks later I decided to try my luck again and got a new mobile number and I sent her a casual text asking again for a coffee. Her boyfriend called me, but honestly the guy is not ghe smartest guy in the world and probably not so brave as I definitely shut him down. It looked like I was the one making the call. From that point also if we met 4 or five times I never stopped even to say hello, also if she has a very strange attitude. I move with an electric buco le she has a powerful scooter and she alway stay behind me but she never overtakes me, once this may have been going on for 300 meters.
They have been together on vacation at the beginning of august. And since they got together in April or March I keep seeing a lot of posts from her of how happy now she is with him, she never did this with me, not even at the beginning where we were both very happy together. I haven’t contacted her in a month now, nothing. Also she is very stubborn. Since you said that when you do all this mistakes as i did no contact doesn’t work what can I do in order at least to try to make her see me in a different light.
Thank you for your time and patience and sorry for the long post.
Also thank you for your blog is so useful on so many levels, also the articles that now I Know I need to read like the one about losing hope to reunite with her, but still I think you can agree on the old said never say never. But I think that if I want this to happen at some point maybe I have to make her know that I understood my mistakes. Also if maybe no contact will make her understand how much I respect her now and maybe gain value at her eyes again.
Forgot to mention that we have been in an official relationship for 18 months.
But we started dating in 2019 had an affair for four months than in the meanwhile I left my ex girlfriend, she took a couple of week longer and in the meantime I started to speak again with my ex and when she left her boyfriend she discovered it, so since she was very angry at me we both got back to our previous party than in may 2020 when the first lockdown ended we started to work together again and in two weeks we were already dating together at the beginning of July we left our partners and started our relationship.
I was in a LDR with a woman from a developing country for 13 months and then traveled to her and we met in person. It went better than I could’ve imagined. I’m recently divorced 50 year old and she was in her early 30s and a virgin when we met. We had an amazing first 4 days until her phone started blowing up from her best friend and work. She then told me she had a lesbian relationship with her best friend when she was in college 8 years ago and left me at our resort. 12 hours later she texted me back saying she made a mistake and the next morning we were traveling together to our next resort and for the next 48 hours she was definitely not a lesbian. We were planning our next stop to visit her mom when she got a phone call and was on the phone for the next hour. After she hung up, she told me that work had told her she had to return immediately and she felt she was forced into making a choice of love or career. I have the ability to support her but didn’t offer. She can easily move to my country and pocket every penny she makes and money isn’t an issue. She said her boss told her if she didn’t return, her job was in jeopardy but if she did return, she would be up for a promotion. She claims that when her bosses saw her social media and saw all the fun she was having at places none of them could possibly afford, they got jealous. Anyway, as she was leaving, she said she was going to be a lesbian and wanted to be friends. We never followed each other on social media until after she left and told me that her decision was final and she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me ever again and don’t bother going to visit her at her home. A few days later, she sent me a nasty text that the necklace I gave her was worthless because it was gold plated and not solid gold. That really set me off and I let her know that there is nothing wrong with that unless she was trying to pawn it and is said that what I did was far less egregious than what she did. I also said some regrettable things in the heat of the moment. That was our first argument. She did apologize and I apologized for some things I regret saying. Other than that we have always got along incredibly well. She even said in her apology that I didn’t deserve how she treated me and I was the best man she’d ever met. Then 3 days after that argument she posted her new lesbian relationship with her best friend/coworker/roommate. Then the following day which would have been 14 months together, she posted a video of all the flowers I sent her and the gifts I gave her. She has been posting non stop on social media since but only 2 with her new relationship and much more sad posts. She posts a lot of pictures that I took or places we went together. I haven’t contacted her since the apology 3 weeks ago but I’m curious about my chances when someone chooses career over love (this has been a theme of some of her social media posts) especially when she can earn MUCH more money with me (not immediately but a couple years from not)
Hi Bill.
She hasn’t just chosen her career over you. She also chose her lesbian friend and allowed her doubts to destroy her feelings for you. This person hid a lot from you, Bill. She should have been honest so you wouldn’t travel to her place just for her to give the relationship half a try. From now on, I suggest that you leave her alone and look for the kind of person who prioritizes love over financial security.
Best regards,
Zan
I met a guy in a cruise ship on his last day of cruise and get his number cause i found him so interesting and i feel something special to him. We texted the day after he left and after few days he decided to cruise back again in the same ship where we met and he came back on my birthday(im working in the ship)while we are texting for the couple of mo ths before my bday we are so inlove with each other but when we met again it was a disaster, we enjoy our moment togther but i cannot please him the way he expected, so he left me and he told me to fix myself, i feel also that there something wrong with me i asked him if we can have a second chance but he said it will not be now,we tried to be friends and still texting after he keft but we always ending up in arguments and he will tell me to focus in myself, after few days he told me that he love me and i get confused again,after few days i asked him just for joke if he still loves me he told me that we are just friends and i sound like a needy girlfriend,. He sent me again a novel text saying that i need to move forward and hes putting his best foot for me and he already accepted what happened to us. We are in no contact now for a week and im its really hard for me cause i fall in love for him. I dont know if he will come back again. 😭😭😭
Hello Zan,
My ex and I were together for three and a half years (we are each others first love) We had talks on moving elsewhere since November 2021 for a change of scenery because where we are I am just miserable and he wanted to move close to his mates. It is almost two months ago he moved away to buy a house with his best friend, we stayed in contact video chatting most nights but always said good morning and goodnight with love. I also moved in with his parents because I wasn’t safe where I was living and he said it’s also a good idea that way we have all our stuff together, I’m still staying in his bed until I can get a new place. The plan was for me to follow up when he came back up to get our stuff. Last week he broke up with me out of the blue. He sent in a message that he was struggling alot and I and his parents (shocked his parents too) we assume with all the stress from moving down, new city, new job and I fully understand it’s a huge move especially for a first house and he’s not one to voice his frustration’s (he’s quite gentle, really lovely) . He said this would be the hardest thing he’s ever had to do but thought he moved on from the relationship, he explains he hasn’t been himself and that he has reasons. I thought he was distant because of all the stress and didn’t smother him with questions about the move I just want him to chill out with his mates gaming because that makes him so happy. He said some incidents from the past (from two years ago, to me they weren’t major because they were never communicated and one of the ones discussed I thought we talked it out enough) he said it was eating away at him which he never voiced any concern adding the the confusion of the message he said he knows what he is doing with hurt me so much (I have never felt pain like this, ever.) He said it’s time he moved on and that he hates himself for breaking up with me but he has to do whats right for him, that it’s not right for him to carry on when he no longer wants it.
We talked the next night I kept calm and that was so hard to do, stating I believe we can work through this, that still moving away would be so beneficial for us and I am willing to put in the work for us (still am) and he hesitated for a while and then said he can’t. He was sobbing and saying how sorry he was and that he hates himself and all this mean stuff which he isn’t. Unfortunately I was left high and dry not having anywhere.
I already handed in my notice for work a month prior and was ready to move the following week with him.
Before the message the night before we said we missed and loved each other but when he was talking to me on the phone the next night he said he was falling in and out of love about a week before he left and we had a good week full of love and reassurance I think it was because of the move, it’s his first house he was already burnt out from working alot and trying to get things together he’s had no time off all year.
He promised there wasn’t anyone new he’s never been the type and I always made the first move. And I take him on his word.
He also said he won’t block me on social media and won’t ignore me if I ever need to call, he’s not big on social media only uses messenger.
A couple of days after I did send a message stating that the door isn’t closed and if he wants to talk about our relationship and his feelings I am open for more conversation and wished him a good night
he replied an hour late saying thank you and wished me a good night too
I just want him to know distance has never been an issue
I can’t help but think possibly its the grass is greener syndrome, new house, new city etc. and it could be all too much (I have never seen him more stressed in our time together) we have lived together before during lockdown because and we used to work together. I usually spent 5 nights at his house too since things got serious for us. I have never felt love like this, I have never been loved, I have been used in the past a few times but being with him makes me feel so calm, he knows how to handle me with my panic attacks and he’s just all around an amazing guy, we all have our flaws but I see there is so much potential. We had big plans for our lives together.
A week and a half later I’m finding it so hard to come to terms and stupidly holding out hope because I have so much love for him and I think the distance killed the romance abit.
Hi Hope Campbell.
This person internalized a lot of stressors and wasn’t good at expressing them. That’s why issues from work and moving pushed him over the edge and made him look after himself. He thought he needed to stop investing in you and the relationship to focus on himself more. This happened because he wasn’t strong and communicative enough. Had he been more expressive, he may have been able to feel more understood and supported.
It’s okay to feel a little bit of hope. But do go no contact so that you can detach from him.
Sincerely,
Zan
Well, luckily I don’t fall into any of these categories. I’m probably part of the usual crowd. I smothered my ex-GF because I discovered I have some anxious attachment issues (though I was never jealous and never tried to control her, but I was needy).
I’m in no contact since a few days after the break up and am trying to work on improving myself to make myself the best version I can be. It’s been 6 weeks since the break up and I still miss her like crazy. I really hope to get another chance with her someday and that we can start over. Ironically, from the legitimate sources I’ve been following on break ups, in order to get an ex back you have to let them go. Like everything with wanting to get an ex back it’s counterintuitive. But when you think about it on a deeper level it starts to make sense. The old relationship failed. In reality you don’t want to pick up where you left off. What you really want is after you’ve worked on whatever issues you have and made yourself the best version you can be is you want to start a new relationship with your ex. That will be your best chance of success. After all, the only thing worse than a break-up would be to get your ex back (assuming that’s what you want) and then to break up again a few weeks later because you didn’t reflect on yourself and better yourself. Wouldn’t you rather your ex say, damn, I can’t believe I almost let him (or her) get away.
That’s right, Damian.
Breakups make you want to chase, but you must do the opposite, which is go no contact and let your ex come to you. That’s the only way the dumper can feel that you respect yourself as well as him or her.
I suggest that you work on losing hope little by little. Don’t think you must let go of all of it in one go, but do keep in mind that it’s harming you and causing problems.
Sincerely,
Zan
What Damian said here is 100% correct. I recognized the work needed to be done and the fact that we had taken our relationship and each other for granted. My mistake is believing that he too recognized these things. Here I am almost a full year later going thru the same ole shit as before. The old us never left. It was only clouded by the separation anxiety and love we do have for one another. But the catch is getting back together requires BOTH individuals to consistently be working on the relationship. It cannot be one and not the other or one at one time then the other at another time. Time heals all wounds and the old saying is, let it go. If it’s meant to be, it will come back.
Period. Relationships are hard work and some get it easy and find someone right away. Others like me, just keep investing time in those we think will change.
Hello! So I knew a guy online for a year and 7ish months. He’s from the US, I’m from the UK. We met through a game and app called discord which had a hangout chat space for the community of people from the game we played. We got along through random jokes and he would begin to message me one on one. We would joke about a lot and got close very quickly, we’d call ourselves close best friends even just a few months in, however at this time he only saw me platonically even though we were sometimes affectionate. We talked every single day, played games together, watched movies, series and youtube together, at some point he bought me a necklace with a heart pendant which he intended to give me one day, I bought him a little teddy bear which I’m yet to show him. Sometimes we’d have issues which were mostly caused by my overthinking. but I liked him at first but soon I became very attached. And about a year in, we admitted feelings for each other which he had gained for me after he saw that I became more loving and good to him after we had a big issue in our friendship. He loved me, and vice versa, but we didn’t officially get together. We did talk romantically after that though. We sometimes talked about marrying each other, and meeting up, cuddling etc. One of his main love languages is touch, and so is mine. We overall continued this kind of romantic best friendship.
A few times in the past he said he had temporarily lost feelings for the maximum of a few days or more usually due to an issue and likely distance worsening things. We always made it through the other end when he communicated the loss of feelings though, it seemed fairly quick for him to gain them back when I talked it over with him enough. For example a while back, one of the times that he admitted he was losing feelings for a few days, it was because of a few small things we needed to communicate more about, but I talked to him about it and he went back to saying how much he loved me and wants me.
But other than some negative times, our love always seemed enough but a few weeks back he tells me he’s lost interest and doesn’t see a future with me. He tells me it’s because I am not driven enough and unmotivated, or rely on him too much for motivation, and value, to do things. It’s heartbreaking to hear someone that loved you so much now doesn’t want to meet you. I talked to him about it, worried, showed him my upset and apologized for some things. He also said how he has priorities too and doesn’t want me to be this burden during his time in college. But I know with enough change, I wouldn’t be this burden that drags him down or relies on him too much, I really wouldn’t. I wish I could get him back in an instant and show him some of my mindset changes I’m improving on even now. We also didn’t call enough, never facetimed and a big part of why is because of me, I’d sometimes worry about making it awkward or if I was confident enough, and didn’t want parents to hear too. I’m 16 and he’s 17 but it isn’t some dumb teenage romance that many others seem to get over. And yes we have in the past whisper called, and one time full voice called, but it should’ve been more and I’m mostly fault for that. I asked him if there’s a chance he could change his mind if I were to change, he said there’s a chance if he’s truly moved by me changing, but he also said he probably wouldn’t take me back because he’d feel too bad and is unsure. There were times when we were close that he had talked about how I should do more in my life, sometimes I didn’t get better but sometimes I did take baby steps.
He also said how he wanted to remain as good friends/best friends, I said that I would but not until the end of time as my wish is to be something more even if it takes a while. And he said he thought about how if he were to seek a relationship with someone else, it’d be mid college aka a few years in, or if he planned to meet me and caught feelings for me, then that instead. It seemed like he was feeling great for some of after he told me he lost feelings. But days later, I showed him part of a small story I made a while back which described us meeting in person. His reaction was really sweet and he said how it gave him the biggest smile he had all week and how long distance took a toll on his feelings, and he stated that if I was there in person, he’d always continue to be crazily in love with me. He said the story made him relive the moments we were in love, and it made him rethink some things, and how one of the ways to fulfill his need of holding me and being together in person, is to imagine it. He said he needed time though to feel for me more again.
But fast forward a few days later and his vibe is colder, I asked him if this was part of him needing time or if he was changing his mind again back to not wanting me. He didn’t want me again, back to square one. For a few days he was colder and it didn’t feel as though he put much effort into being my best friend even though he said he wanted to be, but at some point his vibe changed up, he was more energetic, less dry and cold. But what I’m getting from his inconsistency, might be due to the fact that he kept realising love isn’t enough, sometimes people have to change first. He’s going to college/uni in a few months for medical classes, and I am homeschooled, I don’t always do enough work and don’t have tons of motivation for pushing myself. I believe that these differences aren’t unfixable, because I’m still finding myself and have yet to experience some things so even if my career goal may not end up as huge as his, I want to prove to myself and him that I can be motivated and determined in life too, and actually maintain it. I fear what if nothing changes even if I change, but I have zero desire in getting rid of hope, I’m believing he’s a once in a lifetime love and I don’t want to lose him, if I was given the chance to marry anyone, I’d choose him. An almost permanent no contact rule scares me though and isn’t in my best interest as he may just further himself and focus on some of the big upcoming events in his life like family visitations and college etc, so how do you think I can become more desirable more consistently?
Hi Rebecca.
When a guy gets cold, the relationship is usually over. You can’t fix things anymore because he doesn’t want to communicate. He wants to be alone and do his own things. You have to understand that this guy thought you were codependent and relied on him too much. His perception of you was unhealthy, so as difficult as may be to stop interacting with him and try to move on, do your best to focus on yourself for now. No contact is scary, but it gets less scary and easier with time. You have to let go of him so you can regain independence and also stop smothering him.
Keep in mind that he has to come back to you and not vice versa.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for the reply, he’s sometimes cold, sometimes a little less cold but still likely not consistent enough for a close best friendship. I have considered potentially taking a step back to focus on things in my life and give him time like you said, but I promised him in the past that I wouldn’t walk off and leave so it’s hard. It makes me wonder what if he loses more trust or care for me as a person if I were to walk away and give up on the friendship, but maybe he’d be understanding and respect it. But whatever I choose to do and whenever I choose to do it, I’ll try to better myself. It makes me feel guilty though, him getting me to try harder in life and change multiple times, but I didn’t change enough. It makes me feel like I’m largely at fault for my own heartbreak, but at least I recently tried to improve a little. I have a few ideas on things I can try, things that aren’t only baby steps like how I’m used to. I wanted to ask your opinion though, do you feel like any dryer conversations with him now will lessen his potential to miss me if I go no contact? Makes me feel like I should go no contact on a good, less dry note in case he only remembers the dry conversations that bore him.
Hi Rebecca.
If you’re worried that he’ll think poorly of you, leave after having a decent conversation. I don’t think it will change anything though, but that’s for your peace of mind.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you very much but I’ve had a situation so I never officially went no contact, but he came to me one day to check up on me properly and said how it’s been a while, he began showing energy and a lot of effort in spending time with me when he could for a few days, one of the days he even called me pretty. I also told him a couple new things in my life about a goal and stuff which he seemed impressed by, called it cute.
Another day I complimented the way he makes me smile, and he returned the same comment. the first day that he came to me with energy I asked him if he was okay with me calling him in a few days about some of my changes and emotions from the situation. I said I’d need a few days or so to think about how I wanted the call to go etc. He brought up a couple times how I should let him know when to call.
But the day we were gonna call, I let time slide a bit by responding a bit late, then I said how it’d be best to call the next day instead, by the time he responded he said how he wants to sleep anyway. I did find he seemed to become a tiny bit less interested over the course of a few days.
The next day wasn’t my fault as much, I asked about a call but he was busier and asked if calling would be good when he was done, however he fell asleep when he was done and didn’t get back to me that night. The next day he suggested we move it to today. But then today, it was my fault since we for the first time actually planned a time, we were going to call at 5pm, I was going to update him nearer the time.
However I only updated him after it turned 5, saying how I’d be back in a few minutes or more, but I ended up returning 20 minutes later and he responded at 5:40 and seemed a bit frustrated and let down, maybe I wasted his time and he said how he wanted to do it at 5 since he had a meeting at 6. We’re planning to hopefully finally call tomorrow though, but do you think my mistake is something that I can come back from? Is it something salvageable? Long distance situation of course. I just feel like he’s not only getting bored of me, but annoyed with me. But I can always update and see how the call goes.
Hi Rebeca.
I don’t think your ex was interested in you. He probably just wanted to catch up and keep you around as a friend. Try to get on a call with him and you should see what his intentions are. Make sure to talk when you say you’re free.
Best,
Zan
Hello! Maybe that’s so, but it hurt quite a lot because he seemed very engaged for the first few days, I had this kind of positive gut feeling that maybe he was showing some signs of interest? Why would he compliment me like that and put a lot of effort in if he probably wanta me to think he isn’t interested like that? So when that went away more it did feel painful, but we planned on texting it out instead, I sent him a voice note about 1-2 min long, generally saying I’ve been working on myself, my self love etc, and at the end I mentioned to him that although I don’t need him to give me my value, I do enjoy spending time with him and want to know if he does too, and would like to call sometimes. So he responded saying he has a response that he’ll let me know of later, but he also mentioned how he heard I’d call more and said how it’s good, and will 100% let me know when he’d want to call or talk in general. However he’s told me he’s been busier so his main response keeps being delayed each day. He’s on vacation visiting family, his wifi also went at some point and he’s been busier with family and his stay, and will try his best to talk soon. So it’s a waiting game but I’ll update you! I still have a lot of love for this guy.
Hi Rebecca.
He probably showed interest because he felt bad for hurting you and wanted to stay friends or on good terms. He’s trying to get some space from you so he can focus on himself. And a guy who needs space doesn’t have feelings for you. He wants to stay broken up. I know it’s hard to hear this, but you have to work on letting go of hope. Surround yourself with friends and family and stay busy.
When he reaches out, he’ll probably do it to be friends or to catch up.
Hang in there!
Zan
Heyy. If that’s the case, then what can I do to higher my chances of him coming back although it’s been 2 months? Going no contact? Calling him? Or calling then going no contact? We still need to talk in even more detail about things which will be over text and he’s been busy on his vacation whcih he’s returning from soon, but there’s a big part of me that wants to tell him the truth about how I feel and have been missing him. Is telling him I’ve missed him such a bad idea? After all, we’ll be talking about the subject so it’s not like I’ll be able to avoid being honest in some ways. And yes it’s very hard, I sometimes still get dreams with him in. I understand that my aim should be to let go in case he doesn’t return but I want to heighten my chances more. But part of me feels a bit betrayed in some ways, he was my best friend and showed interest, started saying good mornings again but pulled away again. But we’ll see what he says and where it all goes. Thank you for your response, I’ll update you soon
Hi Rebeca.
Don’t call him. Go straight to no contact and let him do all the work. This isn’t the time to speak. It’s time to process things, show him strength, and let him get in some kind of trouble. That’s how you can heighten your chances.
Telling him how you feel is a terrible idea mainly because he doesn’t feel the same way. He’s on vacation, distracting himself and doesn’t want to be reminded of you. Not now or when he comes back.
Hang in there,
Zan
Hey thank you for your response, I only saw it today and would have taken your response to serious consideration before however I’m now in an unusual scenario and I need help. When he came back from his vacation, he was talking to me energetically, but that’s not all, he said how he also is coming to my country possibly within a year, or more im not sure just yet. When he very first said the statement, it was a quick ‘i might be going to Britain ;)’ or something like that, then he went into more detail. I took a risk and said he should come see me when he does. And he agreed, saying that’s what he said he’d do. Anyway, it’s been some days since he came back from his vacation and has talked to me some amount everyday, but yesterday we were watching a youtube video together, it was short because he was jet lagged and wanted to plan a nap for after, however when we converted from the app to dms, we further talked for around 25 minutes and joked about with me, clarifying im annoying in a good way. However today, I was telling him about my ill mum since he asked how she’s doing, and I told him I’d tell her he loves him when she goes into treatment. But after this, he said ‘and also, tell her daughter rebecca i love her’, I wasn’t expecting it but I feared the possibility of what if he meant it platonically since right after he lost feelings he said he still had love for me as a friend, so I didn’t know (and still don’t) know how to handle it the best way. In response I said ‘awww tell your mums son i love him too’, the topic changed onto something else, then temporarily he brought back a topic including a joke about me flying there. But the topic changed back again and hasn’t been brought up since. This was some hours ago now and part of me overthinks whether I should say more. I also worry what if he feels disappointed. After all, one of the biggest reasons why we ended was because of the long distance, so what if that was him admitting he’s feeling something more for me and is glad to visit me when he does? What should I do if he pulls away repeatedly again? Do you think it’s a good idea for me to ask him what he meant about the love statement? Or should I leave it be. Thanks for reading
Hi Rebecca.
It seems that he’s okay with being with you only when there’s no distance. When you guys are apart, he doesn’t want to commit to you. This means he’ll eventually find someone else to date. You should pull away yourself so that you don’t get strung along anymore. He didn’t mean that he loved you romantically but as a friend. Don’t take his words at face value. Love requires reciprocation. And he has no expectations of you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan, what if I messed up + she’s in a rebound? 😅 Been doing NC for a week now, not sure if I should reach out and apologize or wait for her to reach out first.
I messed up by being somewhat controlling and getting sad easily. I had these issues for a couple of years, but was improving (with her help) and getting better during this time — it resulted in less fights, etc.
She dumped me when I got offended of her not texting me for 6 hours, which I then realized was a stupid reason for being sad. Sometimes it was hard for me to know when to stop, when the reason for fighting is actually worth it.
I’m better at controlling my emotions now. This week without her made me re-think and improve my behaviour. I don’t know how & when to show that I’ve changed.
Hi V3.
You’ll show her you’ve changed if she wants you back. If she doesn’t change her mind, then you’ll carry your improvements into the next relationship. I suggest that you don’t apologize, V3. It’s a bit late, so it will probably just make you look weak and desperate.
Continue to work on yourself so that you can gain control over your emotions.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello. My ex and I were together for about 3 years then on an off for about a year. When I decided I wanted to take things to the next level in August, she backed off and wanted space. We started seeing each other again in October, things were going great. The good times were there, we were having sex like we did in the beginning, and we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week again. In December, her father passed away suddenly. She was very close to him, and wasnt taking it well. After he passed. she told me she loved me and wanted to take the next steps. We were still seeing each other regularly, the sex was not there and I didnt push it. We maybe had sex a few times after. In early March, she said she needed some space and was not doing well. I gave her some space, but we still talked and hung out a few times. Long story short, at the end of March we hung a few times, had sex, and it seemed like we were going to work on it, then in April she went cold. She started responding with one words texts and didnt want to see me. We planned on meeting for dinner mid to late April but she said she didnt feel it. She said her feeling have changed, not just about me, but everything. I noticed a week after she went on a trip with a girlfriend and I was hurt. I tried to see why she couldnt have dinner with me but could go on a trip and she said because we are kinda not together right now. I kind of annoyed her with trying to get logical reasons why things were this way, but she said she didnt know what to say. She said there was no one else but I dont know for sure. When I asked if she wanted to be with me again, she said she didnt know. I started no contact a few days ago. I need help. Does it sound like it’s over?
Hello Paul.
It’s over for now. Her feelings had changed after her father’s death. She must have fallen into mild depression and went with the flow which made her lose interest. You have to keep moving on and let her come to you, Paul. Don’t ask for any more explanations. Go no contact.
Kind regards,
Zan
We met on tinder she’s like an hour drive away which sucked but I settled for since I thought she was the one because of how alike we were and especially how she also was big into communication and honesty. After like a month we are sending back and forth snapchat videos to each other and just barely begin to live chat or talk on the phone and it went great I thought. I made her laugh, made her horny, I’d use cute pet names, never said I loved her but I did love her. Initially she said she wanted to be friends first, my bio stated clearly I was looking for a serious long term relationship, so I assumed she read this and more or less felt the same, so I was like yeah being friends first sounds ok like any healthy relationship the two aren’t only lovers but best friends I thought and still do is that a fantasy or true?
Anyways, I’m very flirty and long story short we basically have phone sex after a month of talking, she acts more like we’re becoming a couple without me ever pushing for it beside complimenting her, playfully teasing her, flirting about what I’m want to do to her sexually being kinky as she’s said she likes and she was equally into all that. I sometimes would say shit like I just want to be your world and I’ll give you the world, that my heart was hers, other flirty cute shit hinting at my feelings for her and she never shut any of it down. Was I wrong for thinking I was winning at moving from being friends to becoming a serious couple? Was I being used to simply give her validation and to tell her what she wanted to hear without the hassle of putting in the effort to actually date me?
Big point is she always had an excuse to meet up with me because she claimed she was at a point in her life where she had to put herself first and I’m understanding and let that be until we finally seriously arrange to go out. My phone alarm fucks me and I miss our date making her drive over and wait on me 2 hours to wake up again freak accidentally I apologize profusely and she’s like it’s ok I have other plans anyways.
She’s more distant and obviously upset if I remember correctly she wasn’t talking to me so my dumb ass sends her flowers with a sweet great apology about how I understand her feelings now and plan to prevent ever hurting her again hey man I Googled it and it worked lol. We talk again on good terms she said she forgave me and gave me one last chance.
I forgot how exactly it happened but she soon like a couple days later said we were only ever friends anyways like she said from the start… Again am I the one in the wrong for thinking I was working well nurturing the relationship at taking us further more serious possibly becoming a couple?
Since then I’ve basically kept up no contact after like one last light reconciliation convo where I tried to act normal chill and joke around she said she still likes my dumb jokes so maybe her way of saying she doesn’t hate me still? Either way I’m hurt I know I’m naturally very emotional inside and fall in love hard and soon but I’ve thought I’ve been doing well at taming my emotional ass and coming off cool normal affectionate not just a simp tho
Since then it’s been a couple weeks no contact. She still always sees my instagram stories I don’t look at hers. Thoughts on what we had and what happened? Think no contact will get her to come back at all or maybe even like me more seriously? She said mid way we met that she’s not used to being treated so well not with an asshole does that help my chances at all? Should I wait and eventually reach out first or wait if she ever does like should she be the one if anyone to initiate contact again in this situation?
Hi Zan,
i been in a on and off relationship and its been exhausting, around christimas week, my GF ignored me and i just wasn’t having it anymore so i ask why you so quiet, then she broke up with me again, so the next day i said you know what i had enough of this behavior i’m grabbing my things, we went back and forth she didn’t want me to come around, I said i am done i want my things and cut you off, she said well arrange another day.
two day later i get a drunk at a party and just trashed her through text said some nasty words, told her just send me money for my items, sent a photo of two girls i met at the party, damn i was out of character. I apologized through email two days after because of my reaction to the break up and told her it was out of anger and hurt, i don’t understand the constant emotional inconsistency and i’ve had it
haven’t heard from her in a month, not sure how to fix this
Hi Vishknewnot.
You’ve got to let your relationship rest and work on yourself. Jealousy tricks and reasoning aren’t going to work on her. Wait for her to approach you if she decides to do so. If she doesn’t reach out, then that’s that. There’s nothing you can do to fix it.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Enjoyable article. I recently went on a date with a woman and had a great time, she was shy/reserved at first but then an open book.
I definitely made subtle mistakes but not disastrous. She talked lots and I kept my cards close to my chest. There was great attraction and we spent the evening all over each other.
5-6 days later I contacted her again. She said that she thought I’d been scared off. When I asked her out again she accepted excitedly and even remarked the great time she had.
I set a date/time we agreed on and told her I’d see her then. Morning of date #2 she cancelled with no reschedule offer. My response was a simple “Too bad, some other time maybe. Keep in touch 😎”
Near 3 weeks now and I’ve heard nothing back. I’ve had some not so good dates that still led to 2nd, 3rd, etc… dates. So this kind of threw me. By comparison to previous dates over the years, I can tell my perception of the date was not wrong.
How this relates to the article:
I imagine an instance where no contact won’t work is… in a situation where the people don’t know each other all that well regardless of the quality of initial interaction.
Bob
Hi Bob.
I agree with you. You were still getting to know each other, so no contact may not work. I’m not sure if she waited for you to reach out again, but perhaps you should talk to her. Some people are just more passive while others prefer not to appear too clingy. It’s possible she noticed she was getting too attached. Or maybe she’d met someone else and went with him because she was anxious for a connection. There are quite a few possibilities, that’s why you should reach out and find out if she’s still interested.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I just wanted to start off by saying thank you so much for your articles. I’ve been reading them nonstop every day, and it has really helped me piece my thoughts together and plan out my best possible course of action.
However, I wanted to ask you about one thing about my case:
Before the breakup, my ex and I had a series of large arguments that resulted in me going too far (saying hurtful things to her) and offending her. This caused her to feel anxious, hurt, and insecure. Because of this, she broke up with me about a month ago and directly rebounded with someone else (less than a week after the breakup). She was very emotionally attached to me throughout the relationship as a whole, and is an anxious attachment type. We have contacted each other around 3 times between the time of the breakup and now, all of the conversations being light and short. She only initiated contact once.
To increase my chances of getting her back, which approach do you think I should take?
Should I dive into strict no contact, slowly reestablish full contact, or send a message honestly and rationally communicating how I feel and that I want to get back? Or anything else I had not mentioned?
Thank you for your help
To follow up, it was not one single argument that caused the breakup, but rather the frequent arguments and conflicts we had the month of the breakup.
Hi Matthew.
You should do no contact – the strictest there is. Don’t reach out sometime later, though. You should leave the initiating to her and focus on healing for now. That’s your best course of action.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan, in my case I have to say I was being a little neglectful and I wasn’t really meeting her needs in the relationship, when I felt she became cold and distant I wanted to turn things around and she didn’t allow it, she always had excuses to my invitations and plans, I got tired of this and suggested to take a break and went full no contact, during this break she got together with a classmate of hers and monkey branched to a new relationship. I think I might have screwed up by going no contact in this case.
Do you think it was a mistake and there may be something I can do to get her back?
Hi Daniel.
You can’t fix mistakes from the past by going full contact. You can’t reason with your ex either because your ex isn’t receptive to you anymore. She was most likely going to break up with you if you hadn’t, so don’t think it was a mistake to go no contact. But I hope that you broke up with her properly and told you what bothered you so that she knows what she needs to work on.
You have to stay in no contact and let her do what she wants, Daniel. That’s all you can do for now.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan i had been neglectful and aloof for a few months and she broke up with me i stayed in contact for 2 weeks but then she told me she had started takling to another guy and I went no contact after that was that the right move?
Hi Velo.
You did the right thing. She’d started seeing someone else so you had no choice but to go no contact.
Best,
Zan