First of all, let me start by saying that the contact rule always works when you use the rule to move on after a devastating breakup. No contact is the best method for getting yourself back as it forces you to stay away from your ex and allows you to prioritize yourself and those you love.
There truly is no better way to move on than cutting your ex off and focusing on things that give you joy.
As you know, time heals all wounds, and time in no contact undoubtedly contributes to your detachment. It lets you forget about your ex and encourages you to shift your focus to things that are happening outside your body. Such things help you regain your identity and boost your happiness and self-esteem.
If you want to get your ex back, then the no contact rule is 99.9% of the time the best thing you can do. This self-imposed rule gives your ex the time to cool off, allows your ex to forget some of the negative memories that led to the breakup, and most importantly, prevents you from making post-breakup mistakes that could push your ex away and make you blame yourself.
So trust that the no contact rule is good for you and your ex. Trust that it gives dumpers and dumpees exactly what they need after the breakup to process the breakup and be happy.
The no contact rule, however, may not be able to help you if your relationship was toxic, abusive, or just not worth fixing. Nothing you say or do will save a relationship that was meant to end because your ex has developed extremely unhealthy opinions of you that not even your ex can do anything about.
Those opinions are called associations, and they reside deep within your ex’s subconscious mind.
In this post, we’ll discuss when the no contact rule does not work.
The no contact rule does not work when:
1)You were distant and unreceptive
If you neglected your partner by ignoring his or her needs and overprioritized yours, going no contact likely won’t work on your ex. It won’t make your ex realize your commitment to the relationship because your ex will remain certain that he or she deserves more than you can offer.
Your ex has been thinking negative thoughts for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Nobody knows much time your ex spent destroying or neglecting the relationship, but the point is that merely going no contact won’t fix the past nor make the present any better. Your ex will need to get involved with someone worse than you to see the good in you.
That’s just the way reconciliations work. Dumpers need to compare their ex to someone worse to realize their ex’s worth.
But just because no contact may not work in this situation, that doesn’t mean that contacting your ex and apologizing to your ex will. You have to understand that you can’t change your ex’s negative associations simply by showing your ex that you’re ready to be more attentive to his or her needs and emotions.
It’s a bit too late for that as your ex has already started looking after his or her needs and won’t let you get close again. Not even if you beg and plead. Begging will probably get you blocked because your ex will finally feel in control and want nothing to do with you anymore.
It’s possible that your ex will want to date someone opposite of you because that person will appear stronger and give your ex more reassurance, love, confidence, and security.
2)You messed up big time
If you were physically or emotionally abusive and your ex has pulled the plug on you, no contact may not work for you either. Your ex won’t be able to trust you again because your ex will keep his or her guard raised and stay away from you.
You can wholeheartedly apologize to your ex and promise you’re never going to make the same mistake again, but your ex won’t forgive you that easily. Your ex will feel frightened and angry and will push you away when you try to weasel your way back into a relationship.
So what do you do if you did something nasty to your ex, let’s say you called your ex something awful or took revenge after the breakup and humiliated your ex?
If your ex hasn’t blocked you everywhere yet, I suggest that you apologize briefly once. Don’t send any breakup letters or gifts because your ex won’t know what to do with them, but if the breakup happened recently and you still speak, just send a text acknowledging that you shouldn’t have done what you did and that you hope your ex recovers from it quickly.
Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything like that because the apology will be for you, not your ex. And that will just annoy your ex more. If you’re going to apologize, make sure to apologize selflessly without expectations. Your ex will then either forgive you or not.
Whatever happens, you must adhere to no contact and do your best to detach from your ex. You mustn’t try to prove that you’re changing or that you’ve changed because your ex doesn’t care about that anymore. Your ex has given up on you and won’t take you back even if you somehow prove you’ve done the necessary work on yourself.
3)You kept begging for months
If you did a lot of begging and pleading, you probably showed your ex that you can’t carry on on your own and by doing so, destroyed your romantic value. Now that you’ve done that, you’ll have an extremely hard time improving the way your ex sees you. Even no contact won’t be very effective because of your ex’s new unhealthy perception of you.
It will probably take a lot more than no contact for your ex to forget the begging and feel love for you.
You have to understand that love requires respect and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either. He or she will probably hold on to the negative perceptions of you for power and control and look for people with more self-respect.
This is why it’s so important to start no contact as soon as your ex breaks up with you. The sooner you go no contact, the fewer post-breakup mistakes you’ll make and the less respect your ex will lose for you.
The problem is that most dumpers are anxious and feel the need to fight for their ex’s love and reason with their ex.
They usually need some time to regain their composure and realize that they won’t achieve anything by begging for a second chance. They’ll just make their ex furious and ruin their persona.
So if you’re hurt and feel like begging your ex for another chance is the best thing you can do, think twice before you abandon your dignity and pride. Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to be in his or her control.
4)You made a lot of rookie mistakes
Stayed friends with your ex
If you stayed in frequent contact with your ex, you inadvertently showed your ex that you were happy to settle for friendship and that you would help your ex deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions.
You let your ex know that you were ready to stay friends as long as you could keep talking to your ex and feel needed. Little did you know that your ex won’t discover your worth because of that and that you made it easier for your ex to move on without guilt or shame.
I’m not saying your ex should feel guilty or ashamed, but that you showed your ex you supported your ex as a friend and that you’ll stick around even when your ex starts dating someone else.
Took the initiative with your ex
If you tried to make your ex notice your confidence by acting like the breakup didn’t affect you and invited your ex out like a true alpha, that most likely didn’t help at all. It probably just suffocated your ex and made him or her reject you.
Rejections don’t necessarily make the no contact rule ineffective, but the more times you embarrass yourself by asking your ex to meet up with you, the less your ex has to invest in you and the more alone time he or she craves.
So if you’ve been inviting your ex out on a date so you could somehow impress your ex, get rid of the idea that you must take the initiative and show that you can be a confident leader. Although confidence is important, breakups aren’t about taking the lead.
They’re about letting your ex take the initiative and giving you back the power he or she took from you.
Always remember that the dumper is responsible for putting in the effort and coming back and that the dumpee needs to focus on healing and rebuilding self-esteem.
Refused to accept the breakup and move on
Denial is another big error that will make your ex’s return more difficult during no contact. Resisting your ex’s decision to terminate the relationship is not as courageous as dumpees initially think. It’s clingy and weak as it shows they lack the strength to pull away from a person who rejected them.
Denial may seem attractive in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it’s the opposite. When a dumper decides to end the relationship, the person in denial (the dumpee) forces him or her to feel guilty, pressured, and disrespected and brings out the worst in him or her.
Oftentimes, the dumper gets angry and does something disrespectful that makes the dumpee regret reaching out.
So if your ex broke up with you and you’re wondering if it’s too late for no contact because you refused to accept the breakup, know that it’s never too late to start no contact. If you were in denial for months and said that you’ll always wait for your ex, it may be too late for your ex to see you in a better light, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get yourself back.
If you go no contact today, every day should feel a bit better. That’s because you’ll finally stop making your ex reject you and start focusing on people who want you in your life.
Set deadlines that are out of your control to meet
The no contact rule doesn’t work if you decide when, where, and how no contact is going to work. Setting deadlines and pinning hope on them can be extremely unhealthy and disappointing because reconciliations are completely out of your control.
You have no idea when or if your ex will come back, so don’t expect your ex to come back by a certain date. It likely won’t happen because something must first happen to your ex to change the way your ex perceives you. Something or someone must hurt and disappoint your ex because that’s the only way your ex will reflect on the relationship and compare life before to life after.
So if you’re hoping for the no contact rule to work in 30 days or whenever you want it to, know that you’re playing with fire. You’re expecting your ex to hit a rough patch very quickly and come running back to you just because you’re still hurting.
Although some dumpers definitely get hurt very quickly, most, unfortunately, don’t. Most dumpers need months or years to fully experience the grass is greener syndrome and realize their ex was good to them.
Did you handle the breakup well? Do you think that no contact doesn’t work? Share your thoughts below the post.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your no contact experience, click here to subscribe to 1 on 1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello,
My ex broke up with me 10 days before a trip in an island that we both were anticipating pretty much. She won the trip in a lottery. She broke up with me giving no signs at all that something like this would happen. She never explained me the reasons of the break up. She said it didnt have anything to do with me and that i am a great partner. She said that she had a significant family issue that she doesnt want to share with nobody. That she also has a health isssue (gynaecological) that she didnt want to speak about it. All these from messages. She went to this trip with one of her friends(she never told me whom). She said that she needs more than ever to be alone to find herself. I asked her the reason of our broke up and never told them to me. I answered to 2 stories of her instagram and she even didnt read my messages. After she came back from the trip, i called her and said her that i really feel sad and i just want to meet and talk about the reasons. She said that she feel so pressed and bad and she cant speak to me yet beacause she doesnt know what to say. And that she needs time until she will be ready to speak to me. When we closed the phone we send her a message that she never read. A week later i randomly saw her to a cafeteria and stoped her out of the toilets to say that I really need to know why we broke( notice that 2 days before the broke up we were together and planning our trip, and we have never fought as a couple in our 10 month relationship). She said aggressively and a bit ironically that i am pressing her by stoping her in the cafeteria and she doesnt have anything to say to me and everything she had to said she said when she first told me to break up through the messages (she didnt told me anything specific only mixed complicated things). I havent said anything mean to her and left. After this i blocked her on the social for my own sanity. Its been 2 weeks we have no contact. And 1 month and a week that we broke ip I am 27 and she is 26. Honestly the way she broke me was really shitty but she is a really good girl.
After some time i realised that she left me because i wasnt telling her my feelings although when we were face to face i was giving her to understand that i want her in my life and i do care for her.
I recognise that she broke up me with a cowardly and shitty way. But i too recognise that she has a high value as a person.
Is there any way she will come back despite my mistakes? Is there anything that i am misunderstanting from her behavior?
wow. she basically set you up and lied to you. and you still say “she is a good girl” and “she has high value as a person”?? dude stop defending her, she is an imbecile. her actions are proof that she is not a good girl and that she has not high value. the only reason why you are still thinking about her is because you don’t value yourself enough as a person! think about it: do you really want to be with someone who is devious, immature, selfish and a liar? you deserve better.
Hello,
this article is really interesting!
Do you think no contact can keep attraction even if the girl is still attracted to you?
I explain this weird situation: my Girlfriend parents don’t approve we date each other, so we had to break up and she is emotionally devastated. I am really sad as well.
She told me that she tried everything to convince them, but she thinks there is no hope for now.
She wanted to keep texting everyday, but i told her this is a bad idea.
I suggested to don’t contact each other until and if the issue is solved.
Do you think the no contact rule could help to keep her attraction (and mine as well) in case we are going to date again in the future?
I think it could be better than have a useless texting relationship that can also ruin attraction for each other.
Thank you so much!
Hi Stef.
No contact could keep her attracted to you, but that’s not the issue here. It’s her parents who she doesn’t want to go against. She’s given up and isn’t doing anything about it. She’s afraid and will likely stay afraid. You should stay in no contact, Stef. You don’t have a choice but to heal and “hope” that the pain she feels makes her fight for what she believes in.
Kind regards,
Zan
Does no contact work if you were the rebound?
We were only together for 3 months but had a great time until she told me she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and it wasn’t fair to me to stay in it.
Her other relationship ended 2 months before ours started. I’ve been told that there’s nothing I can really do other than turn my focus back to myself and keep on living and improving.
My fear/anxiety/pain comes from the narrative that she just used me and I meant nothing to her. It makes me feel worthless.
Thanks,
Martin
Hi Martin.
The girl you were seeing wanted to move on and forget her ex. Little did she know that it was too soon for her to connect with you and stay connected.
No contact is the best thing you can do as she needs time to herself. If she makes the emotional progress she needs to make, she could think of you and want you back. But don’t put your bets on it. Emotional unavailability doesn’t always lead to a reconciliation.
Best regards,
Zan
Hang in there buddy – I can appreciate that it is hard…. I am like you, when in conflict my defenses raise and I feel like being attacked ( Not a a great trait ) I have learnt to let it go…. It has been 2 weeks for me, I reached out the first 3 days with nonchalant replys… got a phone call with her – and I feel I over explained… I was a terrible mess over the weekend, all alone and overthinking… I desperately wanted to reach out, but I held back. Noticed that she has blocked me from FB and Insta… I felt overwhelmed but took in deep breaths and am just going to leave it – trust the process…. I am keen to work on myself and sort out my actions to be a better person because I know I am better than the guy who she see’s.
Keep grinding – I will update if I find traction, otherwise I am going to keep on working on myself.
Hope you are right Zan – lol
Take it one day at a time, nz.
I know it’s hard, but no contact is your savior. It will reduce your anxiety and help you get back on your feet. Just give it some time and focus on yourself. Now’s the time to improve your shortcomings and grow as much as you can. Use this separation pain to excel at things you’re good at and not good at. You’ll benefit from self-improvements in your private life as well as in your next relationship.
Stay strong!
Zan
Honestly. If anyone is reading this and feels regret, pain or sadness. Please just take it from me. Just let go. Let things be.
Be your best self. As cliche as it sounds, what is meant to be, will be.
Fall in love with yourself. Be the best you possibly can be.
Hi Hussein.
It definitely does get better. I know you’ve made some mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s important that you become aware of your flaws and develop yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is more important than any other relationship.
Hang in there,
Zan
Please I need help! I fucked up so royally with the woman I love. I did so many things I regret. I always stayed faithful but I know I was overwhelming her and saying such mean things out of anger/frustration.
I really need help. I have begged, pleaded and I am the one who made the mistake. I said so many hurtful crazy vulgar things that I regret so much. We kept having fights because of her lack of communication and i know I really messed up. She has me blocked on everything and I have no idea how to fix things even she will not even speak to me. All she wants me to do is to leave her alone and I am having such a hard time letting go.
I will try the no contact rule and ill reach out when I know I can prove to her I have changed.
Any advice is appreciated!!! Please
Hi Hussein.
You’ve got a lot of work to do. Make sure you improve yourself and get your emotional health in order because if you do, that’s what’s going to keep your ex if you get back together.
As for reaching out after a while, don’t do it. You can’t get back with your ex that way. It has to be her idea.
Best regards,
Zan
After a 4-year-affair, he sent me the most vulgar, disrespectful, abusive text message I have ever seen and moved back home to his wife!! He is bipolar. I never responded to that text and today is three weeks of No Contact. I’m thinking NC will not work if ur person went back to their spouse. It hurts!
Hi Kim.
You don’t have a choice but to wait things out. Your ex went back to his ex, so stay away from the situation both physically and emotionally and see what happens next. If his relationship fails, he might come back to you. Of course, I’m not promising anything.
Best regards,
Zan
HI my boyfriend dumped on me 45days ago, for a month I kept contact him show up his house I got blocked my phone number I tried to call private phone number NC for 10days. He told me He will call me when he is ready. But I cannot wait it is very difficult for me. What should I do?
Here’s a scenario in which it won’t work: Your ex has identified one or more clearcut reasons why your relationship is no longer in their best interests over the long term. Maybe you have a mismatch in values or goals and neither is willing to compromise. Maybe they’ve given you chances to fix a destructive habit and your failure to do so has permanently crippled their respect for you. Maybe they just want to get out of a rut and view you as part of that rut. Whatever the reason, if they have a spine, they’ll recognize any attempt you make to reattract them as a smokescreen for the real reason they broke it off, and they’ll view No Contact as a welcome respite. It doesn’t happen often that people take such a clinical approach to their relationships, but it does happen, especially if they’re a future-oriented person with little time to waste on an unsuitable relationship.
Hello, I am in desperate need of answers on whether or not I should do no contact with my ex and whether or not if it will be effective with my case. We broke up about 2 weeks ago, he dumped me because things were getting rough and it was mainly my fault. My depression started hitting me again which made me get angry or upset at him often and pushed him away when he tried to come after me. These weren’t things that I wanted to do, they were out of my control. I told him about my depression and how I am going to reach out for professional help and I did but I guess everything just got too much for him to take so he decided to end things with me anyways.
In the beginning, he told me it was best if we just split but I can tell that he still loves me. So I begged and I pleaded and made a mess out of myself which he wasn’t very happy about. He didn’t get angry but I know he was upset and told me to stop. Like an idiot, I told him if he wants me to let things go, just tell me he doesn’t love me or want to be with me anymore and liberate me from this. In the beginning he didn’t say anything, he just stayed quiet. A few days later, we talked again, he gave me back all my stuff and told me he doesn’t love me anymore and that I should move on. I asked him if he sees us getting back together in the future again and he said no. I don’t know if he’s just saying this because he doesn’t want me and him to be hurt anymore or he actually means these things.
He told me that he still want to be friends which in the beginning I agreed to because I can’t imagine my life without him, but then I realize that that isn’t what I want and I don’t want to settle to be his friends and watch him move on because it really hurts. I told him this and I went into no contact with him because I heard of this method. He didn’t really respond to my messages but I failed no contact twice. My anxiety is getting the best of me because I am an overthinker and I don’t know whether or not no contact is beneficial to our relationship. A few back grounds on our relationship, we have many good and happy times together, we were with each other for 5 months. Our sense of humor just matches with each other very well and we are 100% comfortable around each other, but we did get into a lot of fights. The first time, I gave him another chance. The second time, he gave me another chance and it was the same reason. I got upset with him quite often but ever since he gave me another chance, I made quite a bit of changes. It just happened again because my depression and anxiety hit me and I just felt unlovable so I pushed him away.
This third time, I tried explaining to him of my situation but I think it’s already too late, he has made his decisions. I know this is mainly my fault but it was also a little bit of his fault because he never communicates with me. On the day we broke up, one of the reason as to why he wanted to split was because he thought I was too needy and dependent on him. Like I always wanted to see him and hang out with him. Which really frustrated me because usually when we have free time together, he would make plans with me, which means that he’s on board with it so I don’t know why this was an issue. I told him he should’ve talked to me about it and I would’ve given him the space that he needed and he just didn’t say anything.
During this past two weeks, I have tried to implement no contact twice and have failed twice. This is my third time and it has only been the second day, tomorrow will be the third. This past week, I have came into a lot of realization and acceptance. I have reflected on what I did. I am speaking to a professional, I am on medication and I am in a good place mentally but emotionally, I know that I messed up and I want to fix this. I love him dearly and I know I hurt him but I don’t want us to give up on something that is so hard to find. Normally I deal with breakups really well but this one just feels so wrong and it still does.
He still responds to my phone call and text messages when I contacted him, not in a happy or upbeat manner of course but when things get too related to what happened, he will just leave me on read or end the phone call so I know he’s probably tired which is why I want to give him space but I don’t know if I still have a chance to make use of no contact considering how much I have messed up already. He’s a very caring person so he doesn’t like to be mean, so I think he just answer his phone or text messages because he doesn’t want to be mean to me and he can’t ignore people but I really want to think otherwise, that he cares about me.
Ever since we broke up, he has not reached out to me first, it was always me, which is no surprise, but I am adamant on implementing no contact this time. I am going through with it, then I will reach out to him again, build up our friendship from scratch and try to make him fall in love with me again. I just want to know if I still have a chance using the no contact method. I really messed up, he loved me so much and I pushed him to the point where he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to and will do anything within my abilities to fix this
I can advise to implement the no contact rule to see how things can go.
I’m literally in the exact same position as you with basically everything, except it was over a year for me. I have crazy anxiety and he suffers from depression. And he just broke up with me two weeks ago also, I’m starting no contact today but I feel really scared about it, this break up just feels wrong on so many levels.
Can you please share what happened after?
I’ve been in no contact for 6 months now. I never begged, pleaded or made any mistakes. It was not a toxic relationship and the breakup was civil. She couldn’t be in a relationship at the time due to the stresses in her life. I’ve given her exactly what she asked for: distance.
I’ve been holding on to a glimmer of hope that things will work out… someday. In the meantime I’ve been working on myself and areas where I can improve as a person.
I made the decision to put myself back out there and start dating again. And I stumbled across her dating profile. To see her smile, it was beautiful but made me sad. One of her profile dislikes that she shared was “Crazy men”.
To which I responded:
“Hopefully I’m not one of the crazy men. Wishing you happiness and all the best.”
And that was it.
Obviously I’m not “crazy”… I was kidding.
I haven’t talked to her for six months.
I made the conscious decision, before reaching out, that I shouldn’t expect any response from her, though it would be nice.
Gosh… I have my good days and I still have my bad days, even after six months.
I miss that woman.
No Contact is hard.
And so life goes on…
Hi, my ex and I (31F, 30F) broke up a 2 yr relationship a month ago on Oct. 24. We had been fighting a lot the last months, and on the last fight shee took off an ghosted me.
Two weeks after that I called her asking were we were at, and she said she had been thinking and was done with me, she was no longer happy.
A week after that I found out she was talking to her ex, so I called her and told her I hated her for doing this to me and that she had made me lose 2 years of my life by using me as a stepping stone to get over her ex, and that was why she never really was there for me. We texted a couple of times after that (same week-ish) to exchange our belongings.
Last text was a week ago. Im trying no contact but it is SO HARD.
We blocked each other everywhere, but her Twitter account is public and she keeps posting about how wonderful life is, some nasty stuff (I think is about me such as “You tried to throw dirt on me but flowers grew on the dirt.. no wonder you hate me” (Ive spoken ill about her, I still love her and have only spoken about our relationship to my mom and therapist), “Delete her nudes, you dont even talk to her anymore” but whos to know), and about how she loves herself so she left me and completely cut the cord and how adamant she is about it. This all hurts so much. I know I should not be checking her Tweets, but its the thing I have to know how shes doing/what shes thinking (presumably).
I love her deeply and miss her so much. I know I will not contact her because she asked me to and I need to respect her and myself, BUT I cant keep myself from hoping that she someday will come back and we can figure things out.
Thanks so much in advance for your comments and suggestions!
My ex girlfriend and I dated for two years (31F,30F). We had been fighting a lot lately and on the last fight she took off and ghosted me (Oct 24). Two weeks later I contacted her to know what was going on.. she said she was done. A week after that, I found out she was talking to her exgirlfriend again and I called her and told her I hated her and had wasted two years on a person who used me as a stepping stone. After that we spoke a few times, but strictly about exchanging our belongings (text only).
Its been a week since the last of those three interactions. I miss her deeply and am applying no contact.
She keeps posting horrible things on twitter, which Im not sure are about me or not… whos to know, theres somebody else on the map now. She also keeps posting about how if you love yourself you will let go for good and about how beautiful her life is now. I miss her so much and love her deeply.
Any suggestions for me? I know I should stop checking her twitter account, but its the one place I can have a sense of how shes doing… as I said, I miss her so much.
Thank you all in advance!
I was in the no contact rule and somehow, while checking other messages, I ended up sending a smiley emoticon…which I deleted immediately. Will it impact the no contact rule.
Yes, dipshit. Stop lying. You’ve broken NC and must now start over again.
I was in a relationship for 9 months. We had poor communication and would argue a lot. She doesn’t like confrontation and said we fought too much. But we did have a strong emotional and physical connection. After the breakup, she contacted me first after a couple days saying she was thinking of me. We stayed in minimal contact over the next few days, then I went to see her and we had sex. She was excited to see me, was kissing and hugging, was still calling me baby, and made plans for an event in the future. However she said that she did not want to be in a relationship, that what we need to work on cannot be fixed that quickly. She did say that she was still committed and attracted to me and that she hopes one day we can be right for each other. We had a great time, and she continues to call and text me nearly two weeks later. How should I interpret this? Should I do no contact, because it does seem like she misses me but I don’t know how to get her back.
Hey,
So my gf broke up with me because I didn’t give her what she needed (attention) and we were in a long distance relationship for 2years.
I did no contact and one day she calls me angry saying that it’s over, and she was expecting me to talk to her and to fight for her.
If I had flown to see her or kept talking to her, we would be together now.
After this call, she said that she doesn’t want to date me and doesn’t see me the same way. I kept talking to her for 3 days and she says I’m giving her attention and I’m cute.
On the fourth day she said that all that I do now seems forced because it’s too much and it was all after she me (and I’m not being spontaneous).
Do you think I still have a chance to get back to her if I keep talking to her?
I know we still love each other after 2 months after the break up.
Hi Zan,
I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years before we got married and I moved to her country. Soon after we got married we used to have frequent fights, although there were also happy times. Unfortunately I with-held sex from her which caused her to have an online sexual affair. I had a huge fight with her when I discovered this four months into our marriage and was verbally abusive. She chose to separate after the lockdown was lifted saying she doesn’t want this marriage anymore. It’s been two months, since she left the house. I went NC after the first three weeks and then broke it by asking her how she is doing. She’s responding to me and we had a short conversation. She never asked how I’m doing neither did she ever reach out first. Then out of the blue in a week, she blocked me off Facebook and messenger (which is what we primarily use to communicate). I have been in no contact since and haven’t heard from her.
My concern is, since I specifically fall under the case of no contact not working in my situation, how can I still salvage this or maximize the chances of reconciliation? What would make her give me another chance or change her mind in my particular case? Please advise.
You screwed up by not having sex its pretty much over man i suggest no contact and ignore her if she reaches out to you thats the only way to regain the respect she lost for u email me at hpicardi@aol.com
She knocking boots right now in every possible conceivable position, say bye bye.
I started to neglect my ex of 1.5 years for the last 3 weeks of a long distance quarantine relationship due to work and stress, met her parents when she came back to the same city, but didn’t spend time with her for 3 days after meeting her parents. She said this triggered her decision to break up, as she felt I had been putting in a lot less effort during the whole relationship, often did not make her my first priority over work / etc., and that it felt like a relationship of convenience for me the entire time – when in fact I was just inexperienced (first relationship ever) and ignorant of healthy relationship boundaries. We only fought 1 time in 15 months, so I never realized what I was doing was veering off course. It’s possible that she was scared to openly criticize me since I am 2.5 years older than she is and am more mature / secure in every area (e.g, career, self-esteem, etc.) except for emotions and relationships. She also had some long-time simmering doubts / resentments as she felt I was not giving her the affection she needed, though she never communicated that to me until Jan of this year. She said it was selfish of her in hindsight to not tell me, but she thought she shouldn’t have to tell a guy how to show love and affection properly, and that maybe we were just emotionally incompatible. She admitted that our relationship got much better and she was really happy in Feb as we celebrated our anniversary with a trip. The detachment and distance from the quarantine and work-related stress obviously dulled the momentum over time though. She is also a bit insecure as she was cheated on during a college relationship and has slightly lower self-esteem than the average person – often asking me for reassurance if I liked doing the things she wanted to do. Lastly, uncertainty from the slight possibility of me going to grad school (either in the same city, or within 0.5-3.0 hrs flight) in 1+ years may have been the nail in the coffin.
A week after the breakup, we did an in-person closure talk where I clarified some misconceptions of hers (she thought I was about to break up with her, and also that this was not a relationship of convenience for me). I also explained how I screwed up my prioritizations due to being antisocial and mildly depressed from work burnout while stuck at home for 3 months with my immigrant parents in quarantine, and I also told her how I really feel about her as well as the different reasons why I loved her (my first true love). I told her that I recognized a lot of the mistakes I made out of ignorance and immaturity. I also identified 4 tangible things our relationship needed to be functional (e.g., communication, better prioritization from me, a tangible gameplan for the future, and a rebalancing of the power dynamics), and said I was willing to work with her to build a new and healthier foundation. I also offered her some time and space to think about it. However, she shot me down despite how I approached it, saying that she didn’t think she could be in a situation where she had to see if the guy actually changed or not and that maybe she needed to love herself before she could love someone else. She said she still loved me but that I should apply my lessons to the next girl in my life, and that we should both move on and heal. She asked about a path to friendship down the road (probably out of guilt at misreading the cause of my neglect) but I told her that I simply wasn’t sure if and when that was possible since this was my first breakup.
I am 3 weeks NC since then and have committed to indefinite NC mentally. We still follow each other + our friends on social media, though I have since stopped checking / muted after being triggered by her friends’ IG stories of her “celebrating” and looking happy. Given I have already expressed how I really feel to my ex after neglecting her, is indefinite NC still the best move in my situation considering she had other long-held doubts / resentments about me? Or should I reach out again at some point (1-2 months down the road)? Thanks!
I am in the same kind of situation and would really like to know too!
Also CJ do you have any updates?
Zan, i can’t get it, in my situation, should i do NC or should i actually do FC based in this fantastic article of Yours. So long story short.
My ex, Her, dumped me last January. We lived together 10 years and continued that until start of June as it was difficult for Her to get a new place for a while. I was ok with, knowing the housing situation. I mean time i made some of the grand breakup mistakes, but i also showed my inner strength in that time, for example by handling all the technical side of divorcing up to splitting our wealth and house. And i showed Her my better side in that 6 months, we had probably best times of our relationship, much good memories to keep.
But before that, i did lots of work, long days always (she didn’t work, though) and i was pretty stressed up for some 4-5 years before the breakup. I would lie, if i didn’t agree that i neglected Her, i was concentrated on our survival for some reason, i probably were quite cold, distant and indifferent to Her all that time. Last Xmas i noticed i’m done, i need long holiday from work to get my self up again, which i told Her of course and i assume that was nail in the coffin, showing my weakness to Her. She actually cheated me twice, of which the first one two years ago was handled well and is gotten over, and the latter happened at last New Year is not handled together barely at all. Another nail in the coffin.
We had poor communication in our relationship, concerning the important things and our feelings etc. Especially she is very restraint in that and i couldn’t much push Her to talk or even to get professional help with that. Also the reasons for breakup were like i don’t want relationships anymore, i don’t deserve You and I need to find myself, all the familiar ones, of which the last one is more true than she can crasp.
I know she has s**tload of feelings to me, yes, the positive ones, but she cannot accept it and especially she cannot talk about those nor change Her mind because that means she did mistake by breaking up.
I’m pretty sure i love Her and i want Her back, but not 100% sure yet. I really do feel we had great relationship and much common interests, dreams etc., of course excluding the fore mentioned negative sides in me and our relationship. But i’m awake now and working with myself, hard.
We’ve been in contact right from her moving out at the start of the June, texts, emails and calls, first almost daily, now couple times a week.
Now it has started being frustrating to me as i would like to have more and have a talks about the issues in our relationship, but those are way off the limits. So i started thinking going NC, but after reading this article i’m totally lost, fully based on first chapter concerning the neglect behavior of dumpees.
So what now?
I feel you John. My ex broke up with me 3 months into an ldr despite a brief physical start. I haven’t gotten a reply either and like you, the relationship had a good foundation with minimum problems. The relationship failed during ldr due to a lack of communication on both sides and the definite drop of emotional attatchment. Both of us young birds are unable to feel each other’s presence and our love for each gradually faded. For a week after the unfortunate news, I did my best to reignite the spark and reached out passively hoping for both sides to work on it knowing what was wrong. But as fate would have it, the damage has been done. I ended up accepting the reality and gave my best wishes and respect for my dumper. To this day, I try not to dwell on the idea and do my best to “distract” myself and improve on my well-being. To a certain degree, I also keep my optimism no matter the pain. Deep down, I know reconciliation would be a challenge and the odds are stacked against me. LDR despite knowing you’ll meet again in the future, despite knowing the mistakes (lack of communication, misjudgement) takes a huge amount of patience and unfortunately one-side would usually tips the balance and the emotional connection is broken. As the dumpee, I hold no hatred but rather, respect. Do I hope the relationship could have worked? Defintely. Would I give it another go if the opportunity presents itself? In a mature response, I will gracefully. But I also came to accept that the decision lies on the side of the dumper. I have to respect the decision and now the only thing left for me to do is to improve on the things that didn’t make it work and drop my emotional struggles and improve my self-worth and value. I too am open to comments on what I could do and if there are things I could do better and would appreciate a thoughtful response/direction.
My ex broke with me during quarantine I didn’t saw her almost 2 month and then she breakup I was very good with minor problem always with her, this apply to stay in non contact? I was in non contacts 2 month already but not reply yet.
Hey Craig, My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I moved to a different country 5 years ago to further my education and have been in a long-distance relationship ever since. During my semester breaks, I would go back to my home country to be with her and my family. Me moving to a different country was difficult for our relationship, especially during the past year when our own lives were starting to be very stressful. I knew I that I couldn’t help her much except to only be there for her when I can. But often, I find myself to be overly occupied as I am in my final year of my postgrad. I admit that I was neglecting her due to my busy schedule and realised it when it was already too late. I was so focused on completing my postgrad to be with her that I lost her in the process. She told me that she had fallen out of love with me and that she had decided to break up with me. At that moment, being stressed with all my assignments, and receiving that message from her made my heart sink.
I tried talking reasoning with her and tell her that I am willing to work on our relationship. She said she had already thought this through and had already made up her mind. She hoped that we could still be friends, which I initially agreed to. The next day, I told her that I could not be friends with her as I realised that I was still in love with her and would like to work things out with her. I told her that I respected her decisions on breaking up with me and that I said to her that if she was ever willing to reconsider, she could contact me. I had noticed that I had changed over my years overseas and have lost my confidence and a part of me she fell in love with. I was contemplating on whether it was the right choice to go NC because she would already feel distant from me due to me neglecting her especially with LDR. I broke NC yesterday but her replies were short and cold. I know all I can do now is to improve on myself but I don’t know when would be the right time for me to reach out to her again because it seems like she’s never going to reach out..