First of all, let me start by saying that the contact rule always works when you use the rule to move on after a devastating breakup. No contact is the best method for getting yourself back as it forces you to stay away from your ex and allows you to prioritize yourself and those you love.
There truly is no better way to move on than cutting your ex off and focusing on things that give you joy.
As you know, time heals all wounds, and time in no contact undoubtedly contributes to your detachment. It lets you forget about your ex and encourages you to shift your focus to things that are happening outside your body. Such things help you regain your identity and boost your happiness and self-esteem.
If you want to get your ex back, then the no contact rule is 99.9% of the time the best thing you can do. This self-imposed rule gives your ex the time to cool off, allows your ex to forget some of the negative memories that led to the breakup, and most importantly, prevents you from making post-breakup mistakes that could push your ex away and make you blame yourself.
So trust that the no contact rule is good for you and your ex. Trust that it gives dumpers and dumpees exactly what they need after the breakup to process the breakup and be happy.
The no contact rule, however, may not be able to help you if your relationship was toxic, abusive, or just not worth fixing. Nothing you say or do will save a relationship that was meant to end because your ex has developed extremely unhealthy opinions of you that not even your ex can do anything about.
Those opinions are called associations, and they reside deep within your ex’s subconscious mind.
In this post, we’ll discuss when the no contact rule does not work.
The no contact rule does not work when:
1)You were distant and unreceptive
If you neglected your partner by ignoring his or her needs and overprioritized yours, going no contact likely won’t work on your ex. It won’t make your ex realize your commitment to the relationship because your ex will remain certain that he or she deserves more than you can offer.
Your ex has been thinking negative thoughts for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Nobody knows much time your ex spent destroying or neglecting the relationship, but the point is that merely going no contact won’t fix the past nor make the present any better. Your ex will need to get involved with someone worse than you to see the good in you.
That’s just the way reconciliations work. Dumpers need to compare their ex to someone worse to realize their ex’s worth.
But just because no contact may not work in this situation, that doesn’t mean that contacting your ex and apologizing to your ex will. You have to understand that you can’t change your ex’s negative associations simply by showing your ex that you’re ready to be more attentive to his or her needs and emotions.
It’s a bit too late for that as your ex has already started looking after his or her needs and won’t let you get close again. Not even if you beg and plead. Begging will probably get you blocked because your ex will finally feel in control and want nothing to do with you anymore.
It’s possible that your ex will want to date someone opposite of you because that person will appear stronger and give your ex more reassurance, love, confidence, and security.
2)You messed up big time
If you were physically or emotionally abusive and your ex has pulled the plug on you, no contact may not work for you either. Your ex won’t be able to trust you again because your ex will keep his or her guard raised and stay away from you.
You can wholeheartedly apologize to your ex and promise you’re never going to make the same mistake again, but your ex won’t forgive you that easily. Your ex will feel frightened and angry and will push you away when you try to weasel your way back into a relationship.
So what do you do if you did something nasty to your ex, let’s say you called your ex something awful or took revenge after the breakup and humiliated your ex?
If your ex hasn’t blocked you everywhere yet, I suggest that you apologize briefly once. Don’t send any breakup letters or gifts because your ex won’t know what to do with them, but if the breakup happened recently and you still speak, just send a text acknowledging that you shouldn’t have done what you did and that you hope your ex recovers from it quickly.
Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything like that because the apology will be for you, not your ex. And that will just annoy your ex more. If you’re going to apologize, make sure to apologize selflessly without expectations. Your ex will then either forgive you or not.
Whatever happens, you must adhere to no contact and do your best to detach from your ex. You mustn’t try to prove that you’re changing or that you’ve changed because your ex doesn’t care about that anymore. Your ex has given up on you and won’t take you back even if you somehow prove you’ve done the necessary work on yourself.
3)You kept begging for months
If you did a lot of begging and pleading, you probably showed your ex that you can’t carry on on your own and by doing so, destroyed your romantic value. Now that you’ve done that, you’ll have an extremely hard time improving the way your ex sees you. Even no contact won’t be very effective because of your ex’s new unhealthy perception of you.
It will probably take a lot more than no contact for your ex to forget the begging and feel love for you.
You have to understand that love requires respect and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either. He or she will probably hold on to the negative perceptions of you for power and control and look for people with more self-respect.
This is why it’s so important to start no contact as soon as your ex breaks up with you. The sooner you go no contact, the fewer post-breakup mistakes you’ll make and the less respect your ex will lose for you.
The problem is that most dumpers are anxious and feel the need to fight for their ex’s love and reason with their ex.
They usually need some time to regain their composure and realize that they won’t achieve anything by begging for a second chance. They’ll just make their ex furious and ruin their persona.
So if you’re hurt and feel like begging your ex for another chance is the best thing you can do, think twice before you abandon your dignity and pride. Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to be in his or her control.
4)You made a lot of rookie mistakes
Stayed friends with your ex
If you stayed in frequent contact with your ex, you inadvertently showed your ex that you were happy to settle for friendship and that you would help your ex deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions.
You let your ex know that you were ready to stay friends as long as you could keep talking to your ex and feel needed. Little did you know that your ex won’t discover your worth because of that and that you made it easier for your ex to move on without guilt or shame.
I’m not saying your ex should feel guilty or ashamed, but that you showed your ex you supported your ex as a friend and that you’ll stick around even when your ex starts dating someone else.
Took the initiative with your ex
If you tried to make your ex notice your confidence by acting like the breakup didn’t affect you and invited your ex out like a true alpha, that most likely didn’t help at all. It probably just suffocated your ex and made him or her reject you.
Rejections don’t necessarily make the no contact rule ineffective, but the more times you embarrass yourself by asking your ex to meet up with you, the less your ex has to invest in you and the more alone time he or she craves.
So if you’ve been inviting your ex out on a date so you could somehow impress your ex, get rid of the idea that you must take the initiative and show that you can be a confident leader. Although confidence is important, breakups aren’t about taking the lead.
They’re about letting your ex take the initiative and giving you back the power he or she took from you.
Always remember that the dumper is responsible for putting in the effort and coming back and that the dumpee needs to focus on healing and rebuilding self-esteem.
Refused to accept the breakup and move on
Denial is another big error that will make your ex’s return more difficult during no contact. Resisting your ex’s decision to terminate the relationship is not as courageous as dumpees initially think. It’s clingy and weak as it shows they lack the strength to pull away from a person who rejected them.
Denial may seem attractive in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it’s the opposite. When a dumper decides to end the relationship, the person in denial (the dumpee) forces him or her to feel guilty, pressured, and disrespected and brings out the worst in him or her.
Oftentimes, the dumper gets angry and does something disrespectful that makes the dumpee regret reaching out.
So if your ex broke up with you and you’re wondering if it’s too late for no contact because you refused to accept the breakup, know that it’s never too late to start no contact. If you were in denial for months and said that you’ll always wait for your ex, it may be too late for your ex to see you in a better light, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get yourself back.
If you go no contact today, every day should feel a bit better. That’s because you’ll finally stop making your ex reject you and start focusing on people who want you in your life.
Set deadlines that are out of your control to meet
The no contact rule doesn’t work if you decide when, where, and how no contact is going to work. Setting deadlines and pinning hope on them can be extremely unhealthy and disappointing because reconciliations are completely out of your control.
You have no idea when or if your ex will come back, so don’t expect your ex to come back by a certain date. It likely won’t happen because something must first happen to your ex to change the way your ex perceives you. Something or someone must hurt and disappoint your ex because that’s the only way your ex will reflect on the relationship and compare life before to life after.
So if you’re hoping for the no contact rule to work in 30 days or whenever you want it to, know that you’re playing with fire. You’re expecting your ex to hit a rough patch very quickly and come running back to you just because you’re still hurting.
Although some dumpers definitely get hurt very quickly, most, unfortunately, don’t. Most dumpers need months or years to fully experience the grass is greener syndrome and realize their ex was good to them.
Did you handle the breakup well? Do you think that no contact doesn’t work? Share your thoughts below the post.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey Zan ,
I have an inner gut feeling that says no contact will not work in my case. He is very independent and doesn’t look back (as in the case of his exes). We broke it off on good terms &mutual understanding but our relationship ended because we had many petty fights and he eventually lost feelings of love for me. He says he still cares about me ,but that doesn’t affect his decision. Idk if I should hope.
Hi Anshella.
Work on losing hope. You can’t stay hopeful about an ex who had given up on you. You’ve got your life to live, so do your best to invest in yourself and live the kind of life you want to live.
Sincerely,
Zan
Okay Zan, I have a quandary for you. Six weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up, well he broke up with me and moved out after about 16 months of dating. It started with a stupid fight, during which he cussed at me and then I promptly retorted “maybe it’s time you moved out.” It was intended to be rhetorical. A week went by and he told me a few times he was looking at apartments. I shrugged him off. Since the split he’s mentioned this “shrugging off” several times, saying “you didn’t think I’d do it.”
The day he moved out I helped him, just him and I. I payed for a Uhaul, even let him borrow quite a bit of furniture. In the following weeks I spent the night at his place and vice versa. I almost single-handedly painted his new apartment for him and we subsequently chatted everyday. He texted, called, Facetime’d, etc. He told me he loved me like five times over six weeks and even said “I miss the way you made me feel comfortable and safe.”
Two weeks after the split I told him that it’s time to give each other space, and he promptly freaked out. So I reluctantly continued to interact with him even though it caused me a lot of emotional pain.
This daily communication lasted another month with a few random visits to drop off coffee in the morning, run errands to the grocery store, etc.
A week ago I called him and told him we shouldn’t contact each other anymore until he decided what he wanted from our relationship. I told him we can’t be friends right now because I’m not emotionally prepared. I also said that I’m committed to our relationship and when he knew how he wanted to proceed to let me know.
He then blocked me from everything except Facebook after sending me several Snapchat’s the day after I said we shouldn’t communicate anymore.
What gives? Why’s he mad for giving him what he wants, which is a break up!? Mind you we had several discussions before the actual move where I tried to reason with him.
Hi Coach,
Me and my ex were together for 10 months. He cheated on his ex girlfriend to be with me. After they broke up he obviously told me they don’t communicate. His actions showed otherwise. His father passed away 2 weeks ago. I found out that his ex girlfriend had been visiting him and his family. I was furious. I directly contacted his ex and asked her what was really going on. She said they’ve been together for almost a few months and that they slept with each other a few times. I confronted my ex and he literally dumped me in a matter of a few seconds and started dating her. I felt betrayed and wronged in so many ways I can’t even explain. He keeps telling me he needs to improve and fix himself. I understand that he wants to change but why would he just flip me like a light switch and be with her instantly? He told me he wants nothing to do with me. Seeing them together is painful. I’m not sure what to do at this point 🙁
JFC. Really? All of this BS is just playing games. Just be real and honest and do what your heart says to do. If it’s telling you to let go and move on, just do it and do it kindly. There is no reason for game playing with other’s hearts.
Wasup Zan, been in a relationship with my ex girl for 3.5 years time to time we would get into petty arguments, my relationship with her is when it’s good it’s good but when it’s bad it’s BAD. Through it all we had a good connection and always got through our differences. With me honestly my life isn’t all peachy got two jobs that doesn’t provide growth, and few other things that I’ve been working on but haven’t achieved throughout the 3.5 years that we’ve been together. On her end she got a new job within that time and achieved a couple of goals she worked on. We would talk about marriage, and after she gave it some thought would tell me honestly how can we even get married if you’re not achieving anything since we’ve been together. I’d assure her I am but In reality things don’t play out the way I’d like for it to go and end up failing to achieve these things. We were close to breaking up because of that but again I told her I’m working on myself and you’ll see a change. On top of that she has issues in her house so at times when we’re at bad terms she couldn’t find peace in her house and would be overwhelmed because of all the tension. She also has a short temper which I never liked she’d say she’s working on it. Long story short we got into it again, she felt what I did was reoccurring by not being on time either time to time, when I met up with her she started yelling I started yelling louder pissed because she didn’t know the story behind it. To the point she said I can’t do this anymore. I left right after she told me that, noticed when I left she took a while to drive off but I never looked back. I started no contact that day which was a week and a half ago in between she contacted me to return money she owed me a couple days later I contacted her to return money I owed her. A couple days after she came by returned money she owed my mom and I and a couple of personal things. When she came by she explained who’s money’s who’s and returned a couple of the personal things of mine; I said thank you & left. Seemed before I got out she wanted to say something and when I walked away she did the same thing and took a while to drive off as I walked away again I did not look back. Later on she contacted me thanking me for everything I had did for her and always being there and she has a lot of respect for me, even tho we were in nc I told her thank you appreciate it which was yesterday back to nc and working on my goals and achieving what’s best for me and won’t start contact until I know I’m on the right path.
Hi Coach, I am 36 and she is 30. We had a 3 months relationship which was full of joy and sometimes sadness as she was sick and i had to send her to clinic or hospital. All in all, i took great care of her and tried my best to make her happy. But i am needy kind of guy which got worse after she left the country and was far from me. I was needy several times, texting and questioning her. She told me about 5 times that she will be back and tells me to relax. But i was just bothered by her coldness and continued to write many text a day to get her attention and at the same time still questioning her and doubting her. So end up she says she don’t want relationship anymore and then block me because i said think about the good times we had and the diamond ring and gifts i bought for her. She said its disgusting i talk about the gifts as i am a man. After blocking me, i got work up and messaged her from another phone, saying some very crude words about her and thanking her for leaving me as i don’t want a women with 2 children ( she has twins). But i quickly regret what i said and followed up with numerous apologies everyday for 5 days to explain that i was angry and did not mean what i say. Each and every attempt was blocked or met with a reply that says ‘I don’t want to hear anything about you! Don’t write me again”. My last message to her was that i will message her again at Mar 15 to see how she feels. I say i will give her the time to cool down and i will take these 2 weeks to be better mentally and physically. My question is how do you think she will react when i message her on Mar 15. Supposedly she is coming back end of Mar. But she said after what i said to her, she never want to see me again.
Hi Zan,
Sorry for such a long post but I do want to know if there is any chance of me getting her back. I am not going to contact her and willing to change my shortcomings in the relationship and also myself, because looking back I do not see the ideal me. I just want to know if there is any chance for me anymore since I do not plan on seeing anyone else again.
This is how my story is and I am 22 by the way,
I met her in college and we fell in love after 2 months that is 19th of December 2014, that would be good old 5 years. Her parents knew about us and I introduced her to my family in the first few months. In 2018 her parents contacted me, asking me when I plan on marrying her. I was 21, not yet finished my undergraduate and I had no job. I panicked I was afraid of all the hopes that were put on me all of a sudden and I burst out. I messed up and I regretted about it all the time. 3 months later I asked her to give me another chance and she gave me another chance. This time I was planning to get my shit done right and have no issues with her again. I planned on changing myself. I did not want her to be stressed about me so I stopped sharing things on time, yet I shared everything with her. In May 2019, me and my family started having financial problems, I wanted to pursue my masters and for that we were financially not able to do it. I wasted an year waiting to do my masters, and all of a sudden my plans went haywire. I started behaving suspiciously I guess my girlfriend asked me what happened. I did not want her to tell anything to her so I started skipping her questions saying just some things with friends.
She asked me continuously and I did not want to tell her and I broke up again, for which I regret that I was immature even till this day. This happened on June 15 of 2019, she came home asked me if I wanted a break but like an idiot I messed up and said no I cannot do this because at that time all I had in mind was my situation. I should have recognized her situation and tried to be a bit more understanding. In the beginning of august I tried contacting her and we talked positively for a while. I asked her to give me a chance and even committed that Ill settle down and marry her. Things went smoothly for a while and one fine day when I called her on my way home, we started arguing for something. I was in the middle of traffic(I REALLY FUCKING HATE WHAT A PUNK I WAS ON THAT DAY) and I yelled and all of a sudden she asked me about marriage. I yelled no only to later realize that she asked me about marriage and I said no to it. I wanted her to give space because she was crying that day. A week later I called her and she said fuck off but eventually I was able to convince her to talk to me. She agreed, her parents were not OK with me getting another chance but I said Ill convince them just give me a chance to redeem myself and I will change myself. I moved to Chicago on 15th of Jan 2020 to pursue my masters, we were on good terms with each other till then. She cried the last time we met since I was leaving. I thought we are going to start it again and this time I have to change myself, it was hard for me moving away from for the first time, so I was emotionally vulnerable. All of a sudden she stopped texting me or calling me. I got anxious and called her and she said that she was waiting for this because she was afraid to get back into a relationship with me a third time. I begged her, pleaded her did everything I possibly could and felt right. I wanted to let her know that I realize the mistake and my shortcomings and I am willing to work on them. 2 years away from home is not just to settle down but to change myself to be a better person. But all of a sudden she sprung it on me saying she wanted to do this and was planning to do this after I leave. I never felt so vulnerable and down, ever!. She herself told me that her parents will not accept me and if I am able to convince them she will accept me again. She told me she has moved on. She blocked me on everything on 30th of January. I do not understand how to deal with this.
I did everything, went on my knees too to convince her. I went and spoke with her mom apologizing for my shortcomings and what a bad person I was. I am 22 and I may have 40 years ahead of me and I may meet a lot of girls in the future but she is someone with whom I shared my dream with and I wish to share my life with her. I just feel like every door got shutdown to me. All she says is all the best take care of your life etc etc. Is this a temporary thing that she is going through or is it permanent?
My shortcomings which I recognize and willing to change:
My indecisiveness
My mindset
Working on our relationship, talking to her more.
I never tell her pretty even though she looks good because I felt that if I don’t say she will try to please me more by getting ready even better.
Maturity is the biggest thing I have to change along with my indecisiveness.
I never told that I had a dream of us travelling the world together.
My relationship was not a healthy one either. I always had the ‘power’ and I knew that too. I wanted to create a healthy relationship the second time but still I was given a lot of power and that I lost control of it. She is 6 months older than me. She is a special thing to me at least and I do not want to lose her. I will be away for 2 years though I go home once in an year. She is 23 now and the place where I come from at 25 parents want their daughters to get married off. So I do not have much time. By the time I go back home she might be getting ready for marriage or may have found someone.
P.S: even though I was an idiot she loved me truly and heartfully. She gave me a lot attention and it is not the attention I miss. But herself. Talking to her every night and telling her I love you hearing it from her are the things I am missing. And it may sound stupid but she is someone whom I really loved and gave my heart to. I never cheated on her. I was indecisive with things and it caused such a mess. I asked her for a time of 6 months. She said she doesn’t want to talk to me no matter what and she moved on and stuff. She says she loves someone else. I do not know how far that is true and I honestly know that she will not love anyone else but it hurts when she says that. She is everything I dreamt off and honestly not a day goes by when I cannot remember her. Please do help me.
Hello Zan,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 2 years, we had a great relationship and barely fought, my boyfriend is obsessed with running he used to be unbelievable at it but an injury ruined it a year ago. To fix this injury he decided to go on a diet which meant he could eat barely anything , after a few weeks in this diet I noticed a huge weight loss and he was losing interest in myself and other things, two weeks later he meets me out of the blue and says he’s too stressed to be in a relationship now and it’s just not the right time for him! I didn’t beg or cry during The beak up And have not contacted him since (1 week) but I can’t lose this guy we’re so great together and I’m not just saying it , I want to do the no contact rule For some months but I don’t know if it will work Do you think there is a chance of us getting back together in the end as all my friends and family think it’s so strange of him and that he’ll come back, I don’t want to get my hopes up 😭 I haven’t slept in days over this boy I really don’t wanna lose him
Thank you
Ex bf and I broke up the beginning of the year- stayed noncontact a little but I was doing all the reaching out. He started pulling away end of oct/beginning of nov right around the time I asked him his Thanksgiving plans than he laid into me in a more so stern voice than yelling about my short comings. So I did ask him three times in 2 months where do we stand and he just said were still where we were back in nov. And I’d ask what are we doing to fix it and he just said I dont know. He than said after I asked him if he wanted to be with me his reply was that’s still up in the air. So come jan 2 2020 I just let him have it with all this stuff I was feeling and thinking for the past two months-old did make some accusations that I knew in my heart were not true. He said he was going back and forth for awhile about ending it but couldn’t as he really cared for me so it wasnt easy for him to call it quits. So I said well I’d like to remain friends after he made some comment about trying to be as nice as possible about not wanting to pursue things further-when he never even came out and said it. So my question is- we dated 8 months he thinks I ended it even though he checked out awhile ago how long should I go without contacting him?
Hi, thanks for doing all this, it really helps many. I will try to keep it short.
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago, she said she simply lost feelings. The months leading up to the breakup, we stopped having sex, which was somehow a big part of our relationship. We were always comfortable of staying at home and not doing much, thats what we loved. When the sex stopped I think a big part of the connection dissapeard, we didnt do anything else to ignite the spark. Too add, the last 3 months of our relationship when all this happened, she also felt very stressed and had a lot of anxiety in her private life.
I always said I dont care about the sex, but somehow I did and became insecure and were unsure how to act when I was with her. I know this contributed to the fact that we broke up and she lost feelings.
Our breakup was really good, no fight, very civil break up. I have not spoken or texted her since the breakup (2 weeks). We are on good terms, even though we havent spoken since the breakup.
I of course want her back, during these two weeks I really feel that I have changed as a person, I am confident that if we tried again, it would be different. I have understood the misstakes that were made and accepted them.
My question is, how long should I do no contact? I am now 2 weeks in, how long should I go? How should I approach her when I first contact her?
I have prepared some messages to get in touch with here, without giving the sense of me being the same person, insecure and taking her for granted. She is also an introvert, if that would change things!
Don’t contact her at all. 2 weeks is nothing. She will reach out eventually. Couple of texts back and forth and ask her out. If she says no once or twice, stop asking. Then when she reaches out never ask again, just be short and polite. Never initiate first.
You have to be careful here how u handle things. I begged a lot and my ex blocked me everywhere. Even said she would call the cops. I went no contact, had no choice. 6 weeks later she sent me breadcrumbs, I asked her out, she said she wants nothing to do with me. I tried to send her more msgs to reason with her and was presented with “you haven’t changed”…
Women can be very tricky, you need to protect yourself, your heart, your dignity, don’t reach out.
I can tell you without doubt that when you stopped having sex, she probably was moody often and bitchy? This is her letting u know she is about to dump u, she acts this way so u dump her yourself or u back off, go out with the boys and give her no attention. If you start to worry, give her even more attention, she will leave like she did..
I can also tell you with 100% certainty, you can’t call her… If you call her you just gonna show her that you are the same guy she left behind. She has to come to you.
Me and my boyfriend we broke up because he is still talking with his axe girlfriends
I had a huge fight over the phone with my ex over a rumor I heard that was false I was pissed and said things I shouldn’t have when I found out I called her to apologize but she was indifferent and was sounding reading hurt like she has been crying and waiting for me to call I called back like a week later
I apologized for like 4 weeks straight with like a week break in between called up a friend to help in convincing but she was just adamant and not accepting my apology
The friend told that she said she is done after I tried seeing her went to her ous but she declined seeing me was angry when I insisted I was gonna come in and stopped picking my calls or replying my text
I stop calling or texting for like a week now
What I want to know is it truly over should I move on she has not verbally communicated a breakup though
Hi my boyfriend and i were dating for a year and 6 months, everything was great unfortunately I was at the time going through a divorce. And he wanted me to be his “full time girlfriend” we would after fight about that and I would question his behavior because he stopped being sweet towards me. One night we got into a small argument and he said if I leave the house that’s it. So I told him if he was giving me an ultimatum. So I left to my house and itold him to think about what he had said to me. The day after he broke up with me saying he reflect on the relationship and realize he was no longer in love with me therefore he couldnt be with someone he didnt love. He asked me to leave him alone and not to go around him or his house. My mistake was that at the time he was saying that I begged him for another chance and went looking for him to his house later that night. Which I find out he had invited some coworkers over to his house to drink (girls and one guy), before he would have never done that. He texted me the next morning saying he no longer wanted to see him he reinstated again he no longer was in love with me but that he loved me and I will always be in his heart. I went to look for him to his job so we could talk in person and he seem a little in discomfort and said I thought I asked you not to look for me and I asked how was the night with his coworkers and he seem nonchalant and said he was having fun , but me calling him on the phone and texting him made him feel stressful aside from all the other Bill’s he needed to pay he said look I really want to be alone. I’m not trying to give you Hope’s up or anything I want to completely honest I dont want to be with you, I’m not happy anymore. Althought I felt sad I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yeah and then we had a small kiss on the lips and I told him I love him and he said i love you too. And he said babe i have to go to work and i said can I kiss you again and he said no, i told you i dont want to be with you. I want to be alone and I said ok fine good bye. As I was driving away I looked at him and send him a kiss with a hand and he sent one back. I’m not sure if the noncontact rule will work in my case and how to handle his behavior. After thsti havent texted him or call him at all.
No contact will work because you need space from your divorce experience and from this guy,not to get him back, to make yourself better by healing. I would be weary of anyone saying they didn’t love me after being with them for 6 months or a year. He’s sounds very manipulative and you’re playing into it, unfortunately.
You’re acting needy and crazy if I’m honest. Don’t show up unannounced at someone’s house, let alone at work. Stay in no contact.
Hi! Dated a guy for a year. He was unhappy with everything going on in life and started distancing himself from me. We never fought and no other partners were involved, everything seemed great…until he told me how unhappy with life he was and how he couldn’t see this going further.
Hard to accept that last part. If someone can’t see a future with you, is there even hope for rekindling?
Zan ,I loved this advice,I almost broke no contact for one of those dumb reasons you stated and you gave me the encouragement to soldier on.Thank you man !
Don’t cave in to temptations, Cuba.
You must be strong, especially during the holidays.
Best,
Zan
Hey .. been with ex almost seven years .. we had ours ups and downs we split up once before .. she called it off cause she doesn’t trust me and says I’m not giving her enough time and attention.. she called it off .. I begged cried she said no.. she blocked me on everything so I went onto no contact.. a week in my emotions took over and I went to her work place to go speak to her and ended up arguing there .. she was so upset and angry .. I’ve gone back into no contact .. do you reckon she will accept me back… I do know where I’ve made my mistakes…
Hi Danny.
Your ex is furious at you for making some of the worst post-breakup mistakes.
If she ever changes her mind and feelings for you, it will be after you’ve forgotten about her.
Be strong,
Zan
Hey zan
Okay so this is a long one, me and my ex dated 4 years ago, was only for a few months. when we broke up, she said it was because she saw me as a friend and didn’t feel that connection (that bits important) when in fact her ex threaten to hurt her if she didn’t break up with me.
We was in the same friendship group and was still friends and then we started dated again. We was together for about 4 months and then she broke up , we had been arguing, because I felt like she hadn’t shown she cared And then we had an argument and broke up, we have kept talking since the break up, she wanted to friends so I tried to be nice and we didn’t talk for a week.
She gave many reason, like stress of her new role at the job, having to deal with family problems from both side of her family and then we had been arguing, she felt like she couldn’t give me enough time so she is dealing with a lot and she says she needs her alone time.
So we talked and she said she felt like she had to message me loads and see me loads , I never asked her to, she felt like she rushed things even though she was the first to say about living together and going on holiday. I said maybe if we are okay for abit we should go back to seeing each other as it Would stops her stresses and she said that was nice idea.
But then she become cold and I started to question why she is , because she said she loved me, missed me so we felt out and then she said , I see you as a friend and don’t have a connection, which is hard to believe as she lied the first time and it feels like she is holding back, because I kept seeing theses moments she wants me and if we talk she always messages back and both times we got together, we just have this connection where we want each other.
We talked in a friendly way and I’m trying no talking again but I’m wondering will no talking work even after a month and having a no talking of a week. She always said she needed her alone time and I tried my best over the last month , I’m dealing with some mental health problems so that hasn’t helped but I’m doing one to one so I’m helping myself or is the damage done?
Hi Zan,
How do you not make contact when there’s kids involved?
My ”ex”, partner of 11 years, 10 years of those raising 3 beautiful children, dumped me for the typical reasons of loneliness, disconnection, lack of communication, wanting something more and all without ever speaking to me about it, and the sad thing is I was feeling the same way for a long time only did not have the know how to express my true feelings to her and I guess became complacent and occupied by just providing for my family and surviving the mundane day to day and not living in the present and embracing my family for what it is.
So basically she initiated at first we take a break and although I freaked out about it and was just like why I knew something needed to happen maybe not this extreme but shes very strong willed and was unrelenting. I was accepting changes need to be made for us to be a happier and more positive family, less dysfunctional and decided that actually this is a great idea we’ll only emerge stronger from this and began to see it as an opportunity for our family and me and her to reach new levels of happiness and be what we’ve always desired.
So I began to reflect on the things I’ve never faced in myself and started becoming self aware and conscious of my actions and the way I communicate, found out what boundaries Are, and how I could better express my emotions instead of being a fiery but bottle it all up till it explodes kind of man, I’m 33 years old and only feel like I’m starting to learn life now.
Then I found out there’s actually another man involved who slimed his way in through social media months before our break and although that’s all its been so far, and she claims she never meant for it to happen but as ours wasn’t strong at the time she struck up the deep emotional connection she was lacking in our relationship and says she didn’t think a connection like this was even possible and she just cant shut it down. I was absolutely derailed, like how can you do this to me and your family?! We deserve a real chance, not him.
The desire you once had for me can be rekindled surely, im absolutely willing 100 percent ya know. She said she needs to sit on the fence and gain perspective and that she’s not giving up and conversation like this was being fired back in forth, understandingly in a more desperate clingy way from me which I now know not to show but all coming from the heart ya know.
This aside I came to terms with it and although repeatedly struggle with it I havn’t make the tempting yet major mistake of confronting him or lashing out at her and thought, no, you’ve got this, you’ve stood by her side for 11 years, seen her give birth 3 times , shared her worst and loved her best, and worked a job you despise to provide for her while she studied and obtained a degree… Soon to get a job after all this time will help in a financial independence she’s never had. But me I’ve got this great perseverance trait and I can win the love of my life back, she’s going to be one hell of a bumpy wave but ill ride it out for the future because she’s worth it.
Its funny how the trauma of something like this can really wake you up, and I mean really wake you up to what’s important in life and now I know what meaningful priorities and relationships are and to be happy within myself so I have more energy and love to pour into my kids and I wish my partner… only she’s had a sniff of freedom and taken full flight.
I feel alive, be it an incredibly painfull and in turmoil, kind of alive, yet excited for the future change that I hope will come of this for me and my kids at least. Ive lost weight, had sleepless nights, struggling to concentrate at work, while she said she’s never felt so free and clear minded and showing this signs of everything you spoke of after a dumper breaks a relationship.
Now because our kids are so young and we’ve just built a house and not only that, my passion for this woman has been set ablaze. I’m once again head over heals for this strong and beautiful soul and have understanding for why she’s done what she has and feels the way she does but I cant understand and am pained how she thinks we’ll all be better off and isn’t willing to try as her hearts just not in it anymore I’m sorry she told me.
I’ve been told that its false to keep hope of you getting back together alive in your heart as you’re only going to be crushed further, but i’m just like screw what they say, I truly love this lady and not willing to give in I know she’s killing our connection off and is in a type of mourning regardless of what she says, actions speak louder than words and she still cries about it every bloody day!
I just don’t know how to have no contact when we share the kids 50/50. I did make a mistake of trying to pull her in last week by showing my vulnerability, Mistake. Now any progress of the heart to heart talk we were having and I mean serious amazing talks we havn’t had in years are gone for the meantime, shes put up an emotional wall and shut me out further and well she’s pissed, showing no empathy and being very cuttingly short with me which just seems so cruel as I havn’t done anything to deserve that treatment.
I just want to know more advice on how to approach the NC when quite obviously we cant avoid it due to the kids and xmas and school holidays coming up and I know that they’re my positive way of staying in there somehow. (sorry my stories so long but I felt it needed that history explained just a tad).
Id be so greatfull for any kind of help.
My ex and I talked about making our relationship permanent, she said we’d never break up ever, and we always came back to being as close as we were, then she stayed out all night on her birthday and after a huge fight told me to leave. Pretty sure she slept with someone but at this point it doesn’t matter.
Now she’s telling me and presumably everyone else I was emotionally abusive for the whole four years, which is absurd. Even her father called me and said h knows I’d never do that and he’d never seen her happier than when she was with me or talked about me. He said she clearly wasn’t herself.
She’s been using marijuana a lot in the last six months ( medical card ) but multiple times a day. She has a bunch of new stoner friends who didn’t like me as I don’t smoke.
I think it’s lots of things combined ( she also takes antidepressants ) but our relationship was very loving and public the whole time, with countless posts from her saying how lucky she was, how amazing we were, how we were soul mates, etc.
I can’t tell if she’s really convinced herself of the changes narrative about us or she’s saying it to make it seem justified what she did to me.
I’m in no contact for going on two weeks now, and don’t plan on stopping, but this particular situation seems far beyond any hope of repair.
Hello, what if my ex gf told me she have meaning to break up with me over months, lost spark when we met last time and we are in long distance relationship, she also told me this is not working, she is still too young, her parents also not that supportive but she already let me met her parent, we also does talk about this matter and find a conclusion together. But out of sudden sunday morning she just want to break up with me. We did have some argument last night, but we settle the argument and she told me she will be there to support me, I also did apologize and told her ill change and yet she asked for break ups out of sudden.
We were together for 14 months, i travel back once during those 14 months to see her and we also had plan to meet again next year.
I wonder if no contact will work with her? Yes i know there is so many obstacles ahead im willing to go through those even im planning to kill long distance in 1 or 2 years coming up.
Please help me 🙁
Hi Mumu.
No contact is still your best option.
She has to change her opinion of you, so stay in no contact.
Stay strong!
Best regards,
Zan
Hello Zan,
I was actually the one to end things with my ex about 2 weeks ago but soon regretted the decision. My rationale behind wanting to break-up was my insecurity about revealing to our friends that we were dating – since we are both men. The relationship lasted 8 months, where we had 2 other break-ups that were more akin to fights and we reconciled quickly afterward. We have a mutual friend who always had a crush on my ex and got rejected twice while we were dating. I was somewhat distant a few weeks before the break-up because of school and stress but still texted my ex that I loved him and called him a couple times a week. I found out that my ex went to this mutual friend for comfort because he thought I never loved him with how distant I was. I should mention that my ex is an attention seeker with an anxious attachment style. He went from telling me he “chose me forever” and “was stupid for ever wanting to break-up” and “praised my loyalty” a month before the breakup to telling me I made him feel nothing after the break-up when I acted desperate to get back with him. He is now rebounding with the mutual friend, spending all of their free time together. He initially blocked us both because the love triangle dynamic was overwhelming him but unblocked us after only 5 days, at which point I started no contact. After I told him I needed more time, he reached out a few times that night to see if I was okay. It has been a week since then. I am not sure if I should go full contact and utilize Dan Bacon’s advice or continue no contact. He is currently at the “curiosity” stage and has yet to show signs of advancing to the “preoccupied” stage as he is spending all his time in the honeymoon phase with the rebound.
Thanks for reading,
Modo
Hi Modo.
If you’ve expressed regret, there’s nothing more for you to do but wait for him to become receptive. His relationship has to come to an end first.
So focus on yourself until you hear from him.
Best regards,
Zan