First of all, let me start by saying that the contact rule always works when you use the rule to move on after a devastating breakup. No contact is the best method for getting yourself back as it forces you to stay away from your ex and allows you to prioritize yourself and those you love.
There truly is no better way to move on than cutting your ex off and focusing on things that give you joy.
As you know, time heals all wounds, and time in no contact undoubtedly contributes to your detachment. It lets you forget about your ex and encourages you to shift your focus to things that are happening outside your body. Such things help you regain your identity and boost your happiness and self-esteem.
If you want to get your ex back, then the no contact rule is 99.9% of the time the best thing you can do. This self-imposed rule gives your ex the time to cool off, allows your ex to forget some of the negative memories that led to the breakup, and most importantly, prevents you from making post-breakup mistakes that could push your ex away and make you blame yourself.
So trust that the no contact rule is good for you and your ex. Trust that it gives dumpers and dumpees exactly what they need after the breakup to process the breakup and be happy.
The no contact rule, however, may not be able to help you if your relationship was toxic, abusive, or just not worth fixing. Nothing you say or do will save a relationship that was meant to end because your ex has developed extremely unhealthy opinions of you that not even your ex can do anything about.
Those opinions are called associations, and they reside deep within your ex’s subconscious mind.
In this post, we’ll discuss when the no contact rule does not work.
The no contact rule does not work when:
1)You were distant and unreceptive
If you neglected your partner by ignoring his or her needs and overprioritized yours, going no contact likely won’t work on your ex. It won’t make your ex realize your commitment to the relationship because your ex will remain certain that he or she deserves more than you can offer.
Your ex has been thinking negative thoughts for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Nobody knows much time your ex spent destroying or neglecting the relationship, but the point is that merely going no contact won’t fix the past nor make the present any better. Your ex will need to get involved with someone worse than you to see the good in you.
That’s just the way reconciliations work. Dumpers need to compare their ex to someone worse to realize their ex’s worth.
But just because no contact may not work in this situation, that doesn’t mean that contacting your ex and apologizing to your ex will. You have to understand that you can’t change your ex’s negative associations simply by showing your ex that you’re ready to be more attentive to his or her needs and emotions.
It’s a bit too late for that as your ex has already started looking after his or her needs and won’t let you get close again. Not even if you beg and plead. Begging will probably get you blocked because your ex will finally feel in control and want nothing to do with you anymore.
It’s possible that your ex will want to date someone opposite of you because that person will appear stronger and give your ex more reassurance, love, confidence, and security.
2)You messed up big time
If you were physically or emotionally abusive and your ex has pulled the plug on you, no contact may not work for you either. Your ex won’t be able to trust you again because your ex will keep his or her guard raised and stay away from you.
You can wholeheartedly apologize to your ex and promise you’re never going to make the same mistake again, but your ex won’t forgive you that easily. Your ex will feel frightened and angry and will push you away when you try to weasel your way back into a relationship.
So what do you do if you did something nasty to your ex, let’s say you called your ex something awful or took revenge after the breakup and humiliated your ex?
If your ex hasn’t blocked you everywhere yet, I suggest that you apologize briefly once. Don’t send any breakup letters or gifts because your ex won’t know what to do with them, but if the breakup happened recently and you still speak, just send a text acknowledging that you shouldn’t have done what you did and that you hope your ex recovers from it quickly.
Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything like that because the apology will be for you, not your ex. And that will just annoy your ex more. If you’re going to apologize, make sure to apologize selflessly without expectations. Your ex will then either forgive you or not.
Whatever happens, you must adhere to no contact and do your best to detach from your ex. You mustn’t try to prove that you’re changing or that you’ve changed because your ex doesn’t care about that anymore. Your ex has given up on you and won’t take you back even if you somehow prove you’ve done the necessary work on yourself.
3)You kept begging for months
If you did a lot of begging and pleading, you probably showed your ex that you can’t carry on on your own and by doing so, destroyed your romantic value. Now that you’ve done that, you’ll have an extremely hard time improving the way your ex sees you. Even no contact won’t be very effective because of your ex’s new unhealthy perception of you.
It will probably take a lot more than no contact for your ex to forget the begging and feel love for you.
You have to understand that love requires respect and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either. He or she will probably hold on to the negative perceptions of you for power and control and look for people with more self-respect.
This is why it’s so important to start no contact as soon as your ex breaks up with you. The sooner you go no contact, the fewer post-breakup mistakes you’ll make and the less respect your ex will lose for you.
The problem is that most dumpers are anxious and feel the need to fight for their ex’s love and reason with their ex.
They usually need some time to regain their composure and realize that they won’t achieve anything by begging for a second chance. They’ll just make their ex furious and ruin their persona.
So if you’re hurt and feel like begging your ex for another chance is the best thing you can do, think twice before you abandon your dignity and pride. Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to be in his or her control.
4)You made a lot of rookie mistakes
Stayed friends with your ex
If you stayed in frequent contact with your ex, you inadvertently showed your ex that you were happy to settle for friendship and that you would help your ex deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions.
You let your ex know that you were ready to stay friends as long as you could keep talking to your ex and feel needed. Little did you know that your ex won’t discover your worth because of that and that you made it easier for your ex to move on without guilt or shame.
I’m not saying your ex should feel guilty or ashamed, but that you showed your ex you supported your ex as a friend and that you’ll stick around even when your ex starts dating someone else.
Took the initiative with your ex
If you tried to make your ex notice your confidence by acting like the breakup didn’t affect you and invited your ex out like a true alpha, that most likely didn’t help at all. It probably just suffocated your ex and made him or her reject you.
Rejections don’t necessarily make the no contact rule ineffective, but the more times you embarrass yourself by asking your ex to meet up with you, the less your ex has to invest in you and the more alone time he or she craves.
So if you’ve been inviting your ex out on a date so you could somehow impress your ex, get rid of the idea that you must take the initiative and show that you can be a confident leader. Although confidence is important, breakups aren’t about taking the lead.
They’re about letting your ex take the initiative and giving you back the power he or she took from you.
Always remember that the dumper is responsible for putting in the effort and coming back and that the dumpee needs to focus on healing and rebuilding self-esteem.
Refused to accept the breakup and move on
Denial is another big error that will make your ex’s return more difficult during no contact. Resisting your ex’s decision to terminate the relationship is not as courageous as dumpees initially think. It’s clingy and weak as it shows they lack the strength to pull away from a person who rejected them.
Denial may seem attractive in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it’s the opposite. When a dumper decides to end the relationship, the person in denial (the dumpee) forces him or her to feel guilty, pressured, and disrespected and brings out the worst in him or her.
Oftentimes, the dumper gets angry and does something disrespectful that makes the dumpee regret reaching out.
So if your ex broke up with you and you’re wondering if it’s too late for no contact because you refused to accept the breakup, know that it’s never too late to start no contact. If you were in denial for months and said that you’ll always wait for your ex, it may be too late for your ex to see you in a better light, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get yourself back.
If you go no contact today, every day should feel a bit better. That’s because you’ll finally stop making your ex reject you and start focusing on people who want you in your life.
Set deadlines that are out of your control to meet
The no contact rule doesn’t work if you decide when, where, and how no contact is going to work. Setting deadlines and pinning hope on them can be extremely unhealthy and disappointing because reconciliations are completely out of your control.
You have no idea when or if your ex will come back, so don’t expect your ex to come back by a certain date. It likely won’t happen because something must first happen to your ex to change the way your ex perceives you. Something or someone must hurt and disappoint your ex because that’s the only way your ex will reflect on the relationship and compare life before to life after.
So if you’re hoping for the no contact rule to work in 30 days or whenever you want it to, know that you’re playing with fire. You’re expecting your ex to hit a rough patch very quickly and come running back to you just because you’re still hurting.
Although some dumpers definitely get hurt very quickly, most, unfortunately, don’t. Most dumpers need months or years to fully experience the grass is greener syndrome and realize their ex was good to them.
Did you handle the breakup well? Do you think that no contact doesn’t work? Share your thoughts below the post.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your no contact experience, click here to subscribe to 1 on 1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi, I was dating with my ex girl only for 2 months. We had really nice time in knowing each other and it felt like we are both falling in love, but she showed in that period some strange behavior saying that people talk “stuff” about her in town and that its easier for her to have sex rather than show those conventional human feelings etc. Also, she had a problem looking me in the eyes like she had some sort of trauma from before. I told her that I will try to help her to feel better etc. and that I don’t care what people talk. The problem started because I started to complain because she was hugging me like a friend every time when we meet on the street. I felt like she is playing games on me or that she was not comfortable if someone would see us kissing etc. We had short argument about it once, and she said she is not that type of Pearson and then next time she came and kissed me saying that she understands what that means to me and I expect she is getting more comfortable with me. Next time she hugged me again and I felt really sad because I didn’t know what to expect and I thought she is making fun of me. That night the mood was bad, and she noticed I am not happy, and we started to fight, and she had terrible behavior trying to provoke me with strange questions like: “are you not afraid what can I do too you?” and: “do you hate women” (because I mentioned one girl from my job in bad context) to see how I will react I and I didn’t want to fight that evening and I tried to calm the situation. We ended up in my flat and I wanted to talk, and in one moment when I tried to talk to her because we were silent for 10 min or, so then she started to yell and swear on my family saying that I don’t understand her and that she feels ok, but I am forcing her etc., and she left the flat and I went after her trying to calm her down but it didn’t work. Over the night we exchanged some SMS and I told her that her behavior was bad etc. and so did she about me. We didn’t spoke for few days and I went on vacation where I was with one other girl and I did post on social media some pictures like 2 plates for dinner etc. to provoke the ex but i didn’t show the other girl. She started texting like she is feeling bad and that she didn’t want to react like that. I told her that we can talk when I come back expecting that she will show some compassion and regret. I came back from the sea, and we meet, and she said like I was too needy and that I don’t have respect for my self and that we are not for each other. Then after 2 hours of talking she said like maybe we will be together in next months or not and that I should contact her sometimes for a drink and that I am such a nice guy (don’t know what to think). That night after the talk I sent her message that I felt relief because we talked and that I have learned a lot from her. She opened the message after 10 days and didn’t respond till now. It has passed around 40 days from then and I don’t know what to think. Honestly I am not sure if I would like to be with her but still I can’t stop thinking if she will contact me or not. I am trying to live my life but all the time I am telling to my self that I have maybe f. up and that I was idiot that I mentioned that stupid stuff like will we hold our hands while dating or should we kiss or not when we meet. And I can not forgive my self that if I had reacted more mature that I would be with her… On the other side her behavior was awful in that situation when we fought, and she showed like she can’t control her anger etc. Do you think there is a change she will contact me?
Forgot to mention we are both 30+. I feel quite bad about whole situation, and I am not sure is it better to still apply no contact rule or try to reach her and try to talk. My thought is if I reach her first I will confirm I am still needy etc…
Hi BreakingBad.
I hope you’re well.
I think she will eventually contact you.
Your ex is quite the impulsive type, so while you’re getting over her, think about whether you would even be happy with a person such as herself.
Is she the best you can do? Are you really happy being with any girl as long as she’s a girl?
Think deeply about her awful behaviour and discern if she’s worth it.
Even if you decide that she’s the girl of your dreams, you shouldn’t contact her.
Instead, stay in NC, heal, and get over her.
You probably won’t want her back after you’ve detached and are able to think rationally, rather than emotionally.
Stay strong!
Kind regards,
Zan
My girlfriend broke up with me 6 days ago. She says the past few weeks have just made her feel like she’s lost her feelings.. she says she can’t pinpoint it but it just feels different and that her heart is telling her that this is what needs to be done and that her mind is made up. She said she’s never had a chance to be in her own because right before me she had just ended a 3-year relationship with her ex bf who treated her very poorly and she hates him for it. We work together as servers at a restaurant and that’s where we met. I had fallen in love with her from the moment I saw her.. she was still dating her ex at this time. We were kind of flirting with eachother and we found that we had things in common and she thought I was such a good guy so we began talking for about a week before she broke it off with her ex. We were dating for about 2.5 months before we were “official”. Keep in mind she is 21 now and I am 22. We had just started a new college together and we felt so happy together.. I had finally told her I loved her at the start of January and she lit up when I told her and she told me she loves me too. Everything was so good and it was great! We got through our 1st year at this college together and we set sail on a cruise in the summer.. we had a great time and still were so happy.. Same thing all the way through this summer.. This Fall semester came around and we both have our work handed to us at school. Shes having so much to study and so much to work on that she has been pretty stressed. Same with me but not as extreme.. we didn’t really have the same schedules at all with school but we allowed our work schedules to be off on Saturday so we could be together and we were able to work together Friday and Sunday. Now October rolls around and I can tell she’s becoming distant. I tried and tried to get her to tell me what’s wrong but she insisted nothing was wrong. I finally talked her into talking to me.. the 18th October we talked in her car after work. This is where she broke up with me. Where she told me that there is nothing that I’ve done or said that’s made her get to this point. She just feels like it’s necessary. She says I’m an amazing guy and a great bf but she doesn’t think she’s in love with me anymore. She said it had been on her mind for awhile and that she thought it would go away but it just didn’t. So that’s what led her to break up with me. I was crying and she was crying but she obviously knew it was coming so had a little more time to prepare. I’ve never been more devastated in my entire life and she knew it. We made promises and that was that I would not put my life on hold for her to figure herself out and her promise to me was that if she had realized she made a mistake that she would tell me no matter the circumstances. She said things like,”I don’t think I was ever like ‘crazy’ in love with you”,”And it’s not even that I’m unhappy”, “I need to listen to my heart”, “Please don’t hate me” (Which I told her after that I could never hate her). She told me that you can’t force feelings. We talked about how we would manage work and we came up to the conclusion that we would be fine working Friday together but that’s it. She said she didn’t plan on quitting and she obviously knew i had no intention either. Skip to the day after and I’m still going through the worst pain imaginable until I break down and start messaging her.. I asked so many times to let me come to her house and talk with her about things. She didn’t really want to because she kept telling me that I wasn’t making anything easier by doing this. She finally broke down and said okay you can come over but don’t be surprised when my mind hasn’t changed. So I rush over there and walk into her room. I plead my case that this isn’t the way. That we can work through this. I tried telling her she’s just overwhelmed at school and so on and so forth. I told her I couldn’t allow this to end in that car after work. I had to try everything and she said it’s okay. She said that she was glad I came over because she knew it helped me cope alittle. We hugged a few more times while both crying on and off. But her mind had not changed. We did decide that we would keep our snapchat streak going because it’s over 400 right now. So we send a black picture to each other every morning and that’s it, in order to keep our streak going. Sunday rolls around and we work together where she asks me how I’m doing and I’m still very sore and I’m saying it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I told her I hadn’t eaten or hardly slept (which was the truth). She said that it will get easier. I haven’t spoke to her since other than just the snapchats in the morning that have no words attached. I am still so in love with her and so hurt but I refuse to believe that our story is finished. I just feel it in my gut that this isn’t over. Even though she has told a mutual friend that she misses me because it’s weird where we’re used to talking to eachother everyday but now we don’t but that her mind has not changed. I’ve messaged her closest friend who I trust completely and other mutual friends between both of us and they just tell me to give her time and that they think she will come around but if she doesn’t it will be for the better. I don’t want to even begin to think if she doesn’t. I don’t want any other woman except for her and I know that for a fact. What do I need to do in order to get her back. I’ll do anything. We were so happy! We went on numerous vacations, her whole family and friends loved me. Obviously we had arguments every once in awhile but that’s every couple. These arguments usually came with her either having a bad attitude, me being competitive or/and a combined stubbornness from us both. I’m scared and I want her back. I know I don’t want to try anything until this semester ends which would be the first week in December and I think it would be better if I made my move before the next semester starts which would be the middle of January. Idk if this means anything but my birthday is the 6th of December, obviously Christmas and her birthday is New Year’s Eve. Now I was thinking I could ask her if she would like to get drinks after work to celebrate the semester ending and our grades (Sometime before X-Mas) and then next send flowers to her house just saying “Hope you have an amazing Birthday” nothing too over the top. And then before the Spring semester begins ask her out again and possibly ask if she’s up to try again. How does this sound. In the meantime I’m doing the non contact rule. Atleast until this semester is over. Do you have any advice for me? Please?
Also I forgot to add. In the car after work when she broke up with me, I asked if there was someone else, and she told me absolutely not. She swore on everything and I completely believe her. Neither one of us is the type to cheat on each other. We would never and I whole heartedly believe that. She is my first love and I miss her so much. I want her back and I won’t give up until she give us a second chance. Like I said, this story is not over yet.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me because I caught him cheating but I still love him. He said he don’t want to hurt and lie to me. We are in the same workplace and tried NC and after 2 weeks, he started talking to me and treating me sweet just like before. I talked to him too and went out for dinner as well. I thought everything’s slowly becoming okay and returning to what it was before. But after a week, he became cold again. I was sad. So I return to NC again and now his reaching out subtly again. We are not texting though. We only talk casually in our workplace. What to do? Im also confused with his hot and cold behavior. ☹️
Hi Enaid.
He’s probably only nice to you when he feels guilty about what he’s done.
I suggest you stay in no contact and don’t reach out – ever.
Wait for him to make a move. Only that way you will know when he’s ready to talk.
Best,
Zan
Zan, Thank you for your encouraging words..and well truthful words. I am 30 days from break up, 18 days no contact (everyday since met have never not spoke or saw each other) . Its been awful emotional. We dated 2 1/2 years.. we’re both about 50. The last 6 months have been a struggle. At the beginning of our relationship I had lost my business the previous year. She looked past that for awhile (she is physician) I had found a good job about a year later. About that time I did notice some distancing.. she had tried to communicate…in hindsight. She wanted to marry that first year, but I I wouldn’t because of my income job stability. The next year, not really fighting…love wasn’t a question, but it got stale. It got to the point about 8 months ago, she talked to a man that would not stop.. I didn’t know, but suspected. We discussed and they saw each other for a couple of months. She talked to me everyday… I didn’t have the balls to just shut her off. I truly love her… it blinded me. She constantly professed her love for me ..that I am her soul mate. etc. Well, FF we saw each other for 2 months…zero fighting, but I could tell. Something was amiss.. Our sex life may have been the only thing keeping us together. As it is always been good…she says the same. … but… sept 15 (my Bday) the day before. I knew something was not right. I confronted her. She gave in …another man had been messaging her. She has been talking to an older man ..63. I said I will not go along with this…I ended it right there… I think she was going to after my bday. Anyway. this man is a very…very wealthy widow. Country Club, Lake house, Farm house, house on the golf course …has it all. Everyone says nice guy. I showed my a$$ at event where we did not know we were both attending (she with him). She blocked me..FB IG Phone ..maybe. I did stop to see her once … she still desires me,..I tried and I stopped, then left . Anyway. I am hurt beyond belief. She is already staying with him and going on trips with him. (insane hurt)
My friends are a great help. She has given me mixed signals for months and they know what it has done to me. Her friends say…before this that she thinks she will marry me.She says, ” She just has to “know” WTF? right?
I’ve read your articles and of course I desire her and want her back. However, I am following your advice. I am talking to other girls …which none look attractive…they are..its just the state of mind I’m in. Anyway, I know this sounds silly, but she tried 6 days and 3 days ago to play me in Words With Friends.. game. Why? I declined. If i play her I will know what she is up too. I am zeroing it! Your assessment on 30 days.. No way in H*ll I’ll be right by then. I have hit the gym when all this started 10 months ago and look good.. lost almost 50lbs! Whats funny I am going to ask you a question I probably know the answer. I started no contact to on your advice…but to get her back. How often wither or not they try to get back…does the dumpee evolve to know my life will move on one day and be better with out her. Right now I do want…and I know that sending me that game is small, it makes me realize she was thinking of me. . I’m lost. Hurt. But not stopping. I am getting better. My job, my health, I will not sit an curl up… I truly want to though. I will break out and just cry. …Anyway…I’m another one who is needing some help and guidance. …just to add (my neighbor is a friend of his (this was before he knew it was my ex)…he told him this could be the one he would want to marry after a few dates)..so my mind is has been racing.
so i was dating this guy for about 4 months and it was pretty good relationship. He was struggling with personal issues, his father passed away earlier this year in January and a friend of his passed away in june while we were dating. he decided to break it off in july because he felt like he wasn’t 100% in it and unsure if he was ready for relationship. i told him i didnt want to lose him so he promised me that we would see each other again. we didn’t speak for two months until i reached out and we talked he said he is attending therapy and is just focusing on himself. he reassured me that none of this is my fault and it just a him thing and he said he still liked me.i asked if he wanted to hang out still and he said yes but not right now because he wants to work on getting better first. so i decided to reach out again two weeks ago but he hasnt responded. so im really scared. is this situation hopeless? should i go into no contact again?
also when we broke up he didnt want any of things back and as well he didnt unadd me on any social media platforms. he used to watch most of instastories but as of recently not really.
Hi Kayla.
Whether it’s hopeless or not, you need to let him be for now.
He needs to work on himself and fix his private issues. Once he does, he might even date someone else because that’s what people do.
So stay strong and go back to no contact and never break it ever again.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi John
I love this article and I’ve read it almost 3-4 times since i found it online, which is approximately 12 hours ago lol, i find some relief that there is some hope. With out writing pages of how we broke up my situation ended horribly, althoug i got a chance to some what apologise after world war 500 happened, we ended it as she can not and hasn’t forgiven me, i understand tho. Her parents who is big influence is now certain she shouldn’t be with me, and at one point her mum loved me 🙁
I refer to a the mean and insulting things mentioned, our relationship had a fair share of problems repeating the same mistake over 5-6 times over a 12 month period, Not necessarily mean things being said all the time but me being insecure. over paranoid and jealousy.
I recognise that i need to change and show action which at this point is almost hard to imagine how or where to start, all i know is i am seeking help and hope to be in a better place in mind and body, its been two days and i can get the loss even closely out of my mind and fear i have lost her forever, although your article plus everything i have read time heals all, it just doesnt feel like it.
Your thought and advise is greatly appreciated
Thank you
DeeJ4y_S
It does indeed take time to heal but you can increase the time it takes by getting busy with your life. Exercise, meet new people, stay busy and work on your goals and passions. This should help you feel stronger about yourself and coincidentally, about your ex’s departure.
Don’t obsess over her. Obsess about yourself and your own well-being.
And while you do, start improving your shortcomings so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
Kind regards,
Zan
I spent 2.5 years with my ex girlfriend from 2016 to mid 2018 when we broke up. We both hoped that we’d get together again, but none of us took the initiative to talk about it for 12 months. I know this because we talked about it a month ago. Now i found out that she has moved on and found a new boyfriend. She is not as responsive to my messages now as she used to. I feel that she does not seem to care anymore…What do you think i should do now? Do i still have a change? We never really wanted to break up, but we did it because of the pressure from her family. Her mom in particular was not in favor of our relationship due to age difference…Thank you for your advice.
Hi Michel.
She’s not interested in pursuing your relationship at the moment. And as long as her mom is putting the pressure on her, she will likely be hesitant about getting back together.
I think you should wait for her to engage in conversation and express the wish to take things further.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex told me last year that she wasn’t sure anymore of our relationship and she wanted to spend sometime alone.
After 5 months, of living under same roof as stranger after couple counselling, after me trying my best to not judge her and respect her feelings, she left (under advice of her therapist).
Officially it wasn’t a break up, it was just a “pause of reflection” she said at the time. She kept in touch as usual.
When she left I was a bit relieved to finally rest a bit and find a bit of serenity. Those 5 months were very hard for me.
After a few weeks she was hospitalised after a bad incident. I took care of her until she left again.
She come back a few weeks later crying, asking me to merry her, saying to me she made a mistake and that she was understanding many things, and she wanted to be with me. I was even more angry at that time, I felt used and disrespect, but I still heard her out and I was open to work this out together.
However, she left again, to never come back.
8 months passed since then. In these months I tried to understand what was her decision, trying to get in touch, trying to get an explanation, trying to get closure. But she basically was avoiding me and slowly moving on, whilst I was left with lies, promises and a lot of questions.
An year now passed since the day she told me she had doubts. I have worked a lot on myself, understood many things on my own, my mistakes, her feelings, her lack of maturity and courage. I have got ambivalent messages that she still cares about me, at least as a friend.
Anyway, after chasing her, begging, texting her for so long, I decided to go no-contact. I blocked her on all socials and tried to move on. Has been more than a month since last time I contacted her. She reached out once for practicalities but apart from that I haven’t initiated any contacts.
My goal was to move on, stop chasing someone that doesn’t respect me and trying to stand up again.
I’m trying to accept her decision, but I always doubted her real intentions. After all she’s a very proud and stubborn person that never says what she really wants. What if she was just scared of being unhappy with me and lazy to work things out and she walked away? I still believe we both want the same thing but we don’t know how.
This made me think that perhaps no-contact could also work to get her back. And even if I’m not doing this for this reason I’m starting learning more about this to understand if there’s still hope in situations like these.
Because, after all, I have been dumped, I never mistreated her, but I understood she lost attraction because lately I was a bit depressed and sad, but I never doubted our relationship. Although she is very proud and she told me that she will never change her mind, I believe she still cares and wanted things work out with us. Of course, this is all in my head.
I wanted to focus my time in growing, gain more confidence, and trying to learn something from this breakup.
However, I can’t really stop hoping that this could also bring her back.
I guess the trick is keep focusing on me and the rest will come eventually. But the more I read about no-contact, the more my hopes grow and also my expectations.
Do you think there’s still hope? Is it too late?
I’m very conflicted now because I’m 50% willing to grow up, moving on and find someone else that shares my values and is more mature. But the other half still loves her and still believe that if we both want it we can make it.
I guess the choice is really between “a reality that I control” and “a fantasy”.
Ok so I was engaged to my boyfriend and the reason we broke up was because I was tired of the arguing all the time..I have already made mistakes in the past like cheating on him and he forgave me for it. We lived together and one day I just left with all my things because of arguing. I don’t know if no contact is the best method to implement because I did leave him. Every time we talk it’s like he still has resentment towards me and always brings up the past. I’ve encouraged him to get back together and start over but he holds back because he Thinks it’s going to be the same as before if we get back together. He currently lives in an apartment that is under my name and I moved back in with my parents. The lease is going to be up next month and he said he would be considering moving to a different city…I feel like I’m running out of time to get him back. What do I do?
Hi Cynthia.
You’ve already asked him to get back and he refused. So now it leaves you with no option but to wait for him to change his mind. It probably won’t happen before he leaves so time is really in your side
In a way, he’s right. If you got back together today, the same issues would recur and you’d break up again. That’s why you have to start working on your international issues so that you won’t argue in the future—whether with him or with someone else.
Kind regards,
Zan
My fiance broke up with me after a 7 year relationship and 1 year engagement. He said he loves me but we will end up killing ourselves in the future. He also said I neglected him and treated him badly. Right before the break up i went on a 2 week vacation with my friend and disnt call him as he wanted time for us to tethink everything. After the break up i called him for a few days asking how r u? He reploed everytime. Then I went into no contact and he reached out on day 2 and 3. On day 3 we had a 2hour conversation, he asked me why did I ruin this relationship and that he loved me so much, that he is constatly thinking about me, he didnt want to end the conversation so I did after 2hours… then i continued no contact for 10days and called him today, he seemed angry and anoyed, i asked him if he remebers our last conversation and he said yes, but he saidthings have change since then.. that he got used to the fact that we are no longer togwther and he is ok with it and asked me to just accept it. Idk what should I do next, i feel like i ruined my chances of reuniting after he reached out by continuing no contact… maybe he felt neglected again?
Hi Jo.
The breakup had already happened so you hadn’t ruined your chances or anything like that. Your ex would have sooner than later become angry and distant and treat you this way.
You should let him process his emotions and stay in no contact indefinitely. It’s your best shot.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey,
NC worked a charm after the breakup. She reached out, we talked, things were going great. We even ended up having sex (might not have been the wisest move) but afterwards she said she still “needs more time”. I’ve been back in NC for around 3 weeks now but she hasn’t reached out to me again. Thoughts? Am I in trouble here?
Hi Andrew.
You go back to NC and keep doing what you’re doing as nothing has changed on her end yet.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello,
My ex boyfriend and I recently broke up about 2 weeks ago. He works and lives in a different state, but even while we were dating I made it clear to him that it doesn’t bother me. He came home for a wedding that we went to together. After the wedding, he obviously had to go back to work, but this time he’s been working 14 hour days, seven days a week. We weren’t fighting leading up to the breakup, but due to him working we weren’t talking nearly as much. He is going through a lot of personal problems and stress, and he suggested we break up until he gets his life together. After the breakup we talked for about 2 days, then he stopped texting me. After that I’d text him every 3 days or so to see how he’s doing, but the conversations are really short and he’s the one to stop answering. He’s getting laid off in about 3 months and will be back home for about 6 months until he has to go back out of state to work again. We really love each other, and it might just be a case of right person wrong time. Any help is appreciated!
Thankyou
Hi Kayla.
If you feel that he isn’t interested in replying, you must back off. Wait for him to express interest so that the two of you can be on the same page again.
Right now, the push-pull dynamics are out of place so let the time away from him do its job.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey there. I’m pretty confused. A female friend who had a boyfriend seemed extremely interested and initiated a coffee date, but then flaked, so I went NC, she texted after 2 weeks but when I responded, she ignored. Tried to go NC again after but caved once, what’s her deal tho? Is this just move on and shell prob contact after a breakup?
Hi there.
She’s probably experiencing ups and downs with her boyfriend and therefore doesn’t know where things are going.
In my opinion, it’s still best to just wait for her to be ready and contact you so that you can take things further.
Best of luck!
Zan
I was distant and aloof with my ex but I’m pretty sure he left me for someone else and isn’t responding to me. Is no contact still the best way to go?
Hey Zan, what about if there was emotional cheating involved (such as talking to women in non-platonic ways on dark apps multiple times) I came clean to her about it. First time she forgave and we continued. Second time she left. Then she voiced all our issues and fights as the reason why we can’t try again.
Hi Tim.
Cheating is hard to digest.
It all depends on her ability to forgive and see the good in you.
Kind regards,
Zan
What do you do when your Ex has moved on within a week of the breakup? She said that it was due to lack of verbal affirmation and passion… so in my mind going no contact would just be showing her that I don’t care like she believes. I tried explaining to her I didn’t realize what was going on and the needs she was missing out on. but she basically said she doesn’t believe people change and thats just how I am. (ill admit had some walls up from past relationships.) Basically I told her I want her in my life and to show her the man I can be, and put it in her court.. and went no contact thereafter. Is that really the best play though? How can you show someone how much you feel/ care if go no contact? Conversely.. how are you supposed to show those things when they are already with another person? Torn at what to do. She obviously is too hurt / doesn’t want to hear from me right now so thats what I am lost.
I dont even know where to begin with mine. If you are there please help. I am ok posting because I need serious help. Basically I screwed up. Going through a divorce/ (Split in the preworks), while going through it I met a gal we hired and we started talking. It got very good for us because she was there emotionally for me when I had no one and we developed a very close friendship. After a couple months she started telling her best friend about me. How I was the one, how much she loved me and how she wanted kids (originally she did not) and I was everything she ever wanted, and to be honest we hit it off so well about our likes and dislikes, our hopes, dreams goals. I was getting interested in this person and ready to move on from my almost ex…. Welp, her “best friend” decides to play God and tell my almost ex… Her and I were going through the steps of getting ready to file and when she found out it went to absolute hell, she found out we kissed (that was all) and that I had been seeing this person for a couple months… She threatened to pull my 2 year old daughter from me and was hitting me throwing shit at me etc… She then was saying it was Her (ex) and daughter or nothing. Reluctantly I was forced to choose her and had to confess to my parents, hers, my pastor etc. That was in January…
So a couple days go by and I was mad about being given an ultimatum and said no. That she can fight me in court over my daughter. So I told the gal I was working with that I loved her and I choose to be with her and I can work to fight my daughter. But it was never the same after that. She was found out by my ex and she couldn’t deal with her and then swapped to saying she couldn’t do the kid. We kept trying for another 2 3 months to make it work but she kept telling me she didn’t think she could do it, but she said she loves me and still did and wants me more than anything… She was warning me that it would not work but she said she was trying… While she was doing this she started messaging another contractor who’s 14 years older. I was aware of this she said it was nothing more than curiosity and she said she had a crush on him but we weren’t 100% official so there wasn’t nothing I could do. We still kissed had a good time together and were getting kind of close but she still held back. I was stupid not to move on months ago but I was in love with her beyond belief. And she kept saying she loves me just wishes things were different. So she started seeing this other guy while still being with me. It was just one get-to-know date and I asked her what it was and she said it was a date for him but not for her. Welp it got more for her with this guy and she still was saying it wouldn’t work but she loved me and wanted me… I finally had it 3 days ago and said to her face since she wasn’t able to do it I will that we needed to be done. I will not be with someone who sees other guys. She agreed but she still kept messaging me and crying and telling me how heart broken she was. We still texted and called even today I went over and we just laid on the couch crying. I hugged her said bye. Last couple of nights we talked and were crying over the phone, I was obviously trying to get her to change her mind. She was still contacting this guy. I know what you are thinking, that I am an idiot for not doing it earlier and I agree but I love her and I fought more than anything to be with her and maybe that is the problem. I am so scattered brained and I have no idea what to do or how to move on. Upon reading this article I blocked her number but she literally sits right across from me as I am typing this…
But small in-between details our arguments were about she can’t deal with my ex nor my kid, she doesn’t want to be a step mom she wishes things were different. She wants me as a friend and said maybe if the smoke clears we can be together or something. But she also messages me and calls me making sure I am ok and “healing”… She told another friend of hers about us and this guy she is seeing. She mentioned how heart broken I am and devastated. So I blocked her about 15 minutes ago, right before sending this and I feel relief. I know she will be confused about the no contact and will hurt, but should I tell her I am no contacting her? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (4 hours). I work out at the gym every day and play baseball So I can block her out for a couple hours at a time… But I want her back, but I don’t know how to get her to think past my ex. If it wasn’t for her she could be a mom and be a part of that it’s just the ex. (Whom at this point doesn’t really care that her and I want to be together). She just wont get past that road block in her mind. But she doesn’t want me to go away, she doesn’t want me to block her or ignore her she wants me as a friend and I can’t be that. I refuse to be friends while shes seeing this guy. I am heart broken. Please give me some direction to head down.
Thank you
SMM
Hi Steven.
This is a difficult situation since this girl you were seeing doesn’t wish to pursue your relationship because you have a daughter. She said she wanted a kid of her own and is not accepting your past. This is not something you can change with contact or no contact. It’s an external force way bigger than you. There’s not much I can say that will help you. She basically jumped right onto the next guy when she found out about it. It seems to me as if she’s in a hurry to settle down.
As for her friendship, she knows how much it hurts to get rejected so she’s trying to stand by your side and be your friend while she dates this guy.
You must let this girl go. If she truly loved you, she would have accepted your kid. Find someone who will accept you, as well as your past.
Kind regards,
Zan
Would no contact work if my ex girlfriend wanted to move on and had no plans of getting back together?
Hi VP.
No contact is your best option, especially when your ex girlfriend wants nothing to do with you anymore. It’s the only way to keep your dignity and allow her to do as she wishes. Once you’ve successfully implemented the NC rule, the only thing preventing her from coming back to you are life lessons themselves. She has to experience some things on her own, and determine whether the grass is greener on the other side.
Best of luck!
Zan
Hi Zan
I posted my story in comments under the “stages of a dumper”article. I read above and am worried the situation that applies to me is my ex lost feelings long ago? I’m not sure
We had an 11 year rele. She ended it last Jun (8 months ago). She seems very emotional. We “downgraded” onto a break. Two weeks later she came rushing back in floods of tears saying she did have those feelings about me. At the time her life was very low, I had massive demands ahead with work. I was a bit skeptics. I was so happy, explained how my feelings are identical and we agreed to keep “on a break” until we’d both sorted out our personal things and then maturely get back to the table.
Now our break wasn’t reallt a break. We chatted on the phone and met up just as normal. She seemed super keen all the time. In the autumn she suddenly cooled the minute she started getting progress with a new career she was applying for. Once she got it, she dumped me saying she’d “felt like this for a long time”.
This confused me as in the summer she’d rushed back to me.
So with this, the end of our 11 year rele, she’s moving to England from Ireland, starting a new job in the summer. Do I still have hope based on the above article with NC? Or is it a case if she lost feelings ages ago and forget it they won’t return?
Thanks. Top work on the blog. I’ve been recommending it to folk
Hey Dave.
In continuation to our last conversation, your story seems more than just a loss of feelings. What happened to you were issues that never got resolved, and kept getting bigger and bigger until it blew.
The fact that she came rushing back was because she still had feelings for you and was in the early stages of indecisiveness. She pulled back too early, so she came flying back to you like a rubber band. Every consecutive break-up is worse than the last one, because it makes it so much easier for her to walk out.
The second time was most likely her waiting for her life to stabilise, use you as a crunch, and get rid of you when she felt better about herself.
Feelings of attachment (or the need of attachment) could return once she starts feeling miserable. It’s the best way for her to start appreciating you.
Thank you for the recommendations, and take care of yourself.
Zan
Thank you so much Zan,
I forgot I’d added more to my story with this post. Such is one’s head when going through this stuff.
I’ve replied to your other post. No worries on recommendations. Top work. It’s actually thin on the ground to find material regarding dumpers and the psychology of their side. All I’ve had is anecdotal advice from ladies who tell me “when a woman is done, they’re done” that it’s a slow fade after.
Biggest thing I need to do is let go of hope. So hard, it’s a long time and she felt like the love of my life, we had some serious challenges.
But I love her. Even though it hurt to love her. And still does.
Cheers, Dave
Hey Dave.
I know hope is hard to let go of. Unfortunately you have to – for your own sake. Only once you feel great without her, are you able to make a coherent decision whether you still want her or not. That decision won’t be based on attachment any longer, but rather on logical thinking. That means you will be able to put her positives aside and notice the negatives. The more time passes, the clearer your reality will become.
The truth is, when someone is done, he or she is done. Your ex was “done” the moment she ended the relationship with you, as there was no fight left in her. That’s why you must do what you can to start moving on as soon as possible, whether there’s any chance of reconciliation or not.
Best regards,
Zan
I’ve read So many advice columns since our breakup. They are all different. This one actually makes sense. I think this is about the best straight forward advice I’ve ever read.
Hi John.
Thanks for commenting.
I’m glad you agree with what’s written here.
I wish you the best of luck!
Zan