No Contact Rule Does Not Work in These Situations

First of all, let me start by saying that the contact rule always works when you use the rule to move on after a devastating breakup. No contact is the best method for getting yourself back as it forces you to stay away from your ex and allows you to prioritize yourself and those you love.

There truly is no better way to move on than cutting your ex off and focusing on things that give you joy.

As you know, time heals all wounds, and time in no contact undoubtedly contributes to your detachment. It lets you forget about your ex and encourages you to shift your focus to things that are happening outside your body. Such things help you regain your identity and boost your happiness and self-esteem.

If you want to get your ex back, then the no contact rule is 99.9% of the time the best thing you can do. This self-imposed rule gives your ex the time to cool off, allows your ex to forget some of the negative memories that led to the breakup, and most importantly, prevents you from making post-breakup mistakes that could push your ex away and make you blame yourself.

So trust that the no contact rule is good for you and your ex. Trust that it gives dumpers and dumpees exactly what they need after the breakup to process the breakup and be happy.

The no contact rule, however, may not be able to help you if your relationship was toxic, abusive, or just not worth fixing. Nothing you say or do will save a relationship that was meant to end because your ex has developed extremely unhealthy opinions of you that not even your ex can do anything about.

Those opinions are called associations, and they reside deep within your ex’s subconscious mind.

In this post, we’ll discuss when the no contact rule does not work.

The no contact rule does not work when:

1)You were distant and unreceptive

If you neglected your partner by ignoring his or her needs and overprioritized yours, going no contact likely won’t work on your ex. It won’t make your ex realize your commitment to the relationship because your ex will remain certain that he or she deserves more than you can offer.

Your ex has been thinking negative thoughts for weeks, months, or maybe even years. Nobody knows much time your ex spent destroying or neglecting the relationship, but the point is that merely going no contact won’t fix the past nor make the present any better. Your ex will need to get involved with someone worse than you to see the good in you.

That’s just the way reconciliations work. Dumpers need to compare their ex to someone worse to realize their ex’s worth.

But just because no contact may not work in this situation, that doesn’t mean that contacting your ex and apologizing to your ex will. You have to understand that you can’t change your ex’s negative associations simply by showing your ex that you’re ready to be more attentive to his or her needs and emotions.

It’s a bit too late for that as your ex has already started looking after his or her needs and won’t let you get close again. Not even if you beg and plead. Begging will probably get you blocked because your ex will finally feel in control and want nothing to do with you anymore.

It’s possible that your ex will want to date someone opposite of you because that person will appear stronger and give your ex more reassurance, love, confidence, and security.

2)You messed up big time

If you were physically or emotionally abusive and your ex has pulled the plug on you, no contact may not work for you either. Your ex won’t be able to trust you again because your ex will keep his or her guard raised and stay away from you.

You can wholeheartedly apologize to your ex and promise you’re never going to make the same mistake again, but your ex won’t forgive you that easily. Your ex will feel frightened and angry and will push you away when you try to weasel your way back into a relationship.

So what do you do if you did something nasty to your ex, let’s say you called your ex something awful or took revenge after the breakup and humiliated your ex?

If your ex hasn’t blocked you everywhere yet, I suggest that you apologize briefly once. Don’t send any breakup letters or gifts because your ex won’t know what to do with them, but if the breakup happened recently and you still speak, just send a text acknowledging that you shouldn’t have done what you did and that you hope your ex recovers from it quickly.

Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything like that because the apology will be for you, not your ex. And that will just annoy your ex more. If you’re going to apologize, make sure to apologize selflessly without expectations. Your ex will then either forgive you or not.

Whatever happens, you must adhere to no contact and do your best to detach from your ex. You mustn’t try to prove that you’re changing or that you’ve changed because your ex doesn’t care about that anymore. Your ex has given up on you and won’t take you back even if you somehow prove you’ve done the necessary work on yourself.

3)You kept begging for months

If you did a lot of begging and pleading, you probably showed your ex that you can’t carry on on your own and by doing so, destroyed your romantic value. Now that you’ve done that, you’ll have an extremely hard time improving the way your ex sees you. Even no contact won’t be very effective because of your ex’s new unhealthy perception of you.

It will probably take a lot more than no contact for your ex to forget the begging and feel love for you.

You have to understand that love requires respect and that if you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t either. He or she will probably hold on to the negative perceptions of you for power and control and look for people with more self-respect.

This is why it’s so important to start no contact as soon as your ex breaks up with you. The sooner you go no contact, the fewer post-breakup mistakes you’ll make and the less respect your ex will lose for you.

The problem is that most dumpers are anxious and feel the need to fight for their ex’s love and reason with their ex.

They usually need some time to regain their composure and realize that they won’t achieve anything by begging for a second chance. They’ll just make their ex furious and ruin their persona.

So if you’re hurt and feel like begging your ex for another chance is the best thing you can do, think twice before you abandon your dignity and pride. Remember that your ex doesn’t want you to be in his or her control.

4)You made a lot of rookie mistakes

Stayed friends with your ex

If you stayed in frequent contact with your ex, you inadvertently showed your ex that you were happy to settle for friendship and that you would help your ex deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions.

You let your ex know that you were ready to stay friends as long as you could keep talking to your ex and feel needed. Little did you know that your ex won’t discover your worth because of that and that you made it easier for your ex to move on without guilt or shame.

I’m not saying your ex should feel guilty or ashamed, but that you showed your ex you supported your ex as a friend and that you’ll stick around even when your ex starts dating someone else.

Took the initiative with your ex

If you tried to make your ex notice your confidence by acting like the breakup didn’t affect you and invited your ex out like a true alpha, that most likely didn’t help at all. It probably just suffocated your ex and made him or her reject you.

Rejections don’t necessarily make the no contact rule ineffective, but the more times you embarrass yourself by asking your ex to meet up with you, the less your ex has to invest in you and the more alone time he or she craves.

So if you’ve been inviting your ex out on a date so you could somehow impress your ex, get rid of the idea that you must take the initiative and show that you can be a confident leader. Although confidence is important, breakups aren’t about taking the lead.

They’re about letting your ex take the initiative and giving you back the power he or she took from you.

Always remember that the dumper is responsible for putting in the effort and coming back and that the dumpee needs to focus on healing and rebuilding self-esteem.

Refused to accept the breakup and move on

Denial is another big error that will make your ex’s return more difficult during no contact. Resisting your ex’s decision to terminate the relationship is not as courageous as dumpees initially think. It’s clingy and weak as it shows they lack the strength to pull away from a person who rejected them.

Denial may seem attractive in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it’s the opposite. When a dumper decides to end the relationship, the person in denial (the dumpee) forces him or her to feel guilty, pressured, and disrespected and brings out the worst in him or her.

Oftentimes, the dumper gets angry and does something disrespectful that makes the dumpee regret reaching out.

So if your ex broke up with you and you’re wondering if it’s too late for no contact because you refused to accept the breakup, know that it’s never too late to start no contact. If you were in denial for months and said that you’ll always wait for your ex, it may be too late for your ex to see you in a better light, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get yourself back.

If you go no contact today, every day should feel a bit better. That’s because you’ll finally stop making your ex reject you and start focusing on people who want you in your life.

Set deadlines that are out of your control to meet

The no contact rule doesn’t work if you decide when, where, and how no contact is going to work. Setting deadlines and pinning hope on them can be extremely unhealthy and disappointing because reconciliations are completely out of your control.

You have no idea when or if your ex will come back, so don’t expect your ex to come back by a certain date. It likely won’t happen because something must first happen to your ex to change the way your ex perceives you. Something or someone must hurt and disappoint your ex because that’s the only way your ex will reflect on the relationship and compare life before to life after.

So if you’re hoping for the no contact rule to work in 30 days or whenever you want it to, know that you’re playing with fire. You’re expecting your ex to hit a rough patch very quickly and come running back to you just because you’re still hurting.

Although some dumpers definitely get hurt very quickly, most, unfortunately, don’t. Most dumpers need months or years to fully experience the grass is greener syndrome and realize their ex was good to them.

Did you handle the breakup well? Do you think that no contact doesn’t work? Share your thoughts below the post.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.