Most dumpees follow the no contact rule with the intention of getting their ex back. They put all their eggs in the no contact basket and hope that no contact brings back their ex’s feelings and reattracts their ex. What they often forget, though, is that no contact takes time to work and that it’s not a surefire method to get back together with the dumper.
A surefire method doesn’t exist. But the closest thing to it is the no contact rule, particularly the indefinite no contact rule. All other (time-limited) no contact rules do more damage than good as they disturb the dumper’s peace and try to make him or her feel nostalgic and regretful ahead of time.
They try to manipulate the dumper’s feelings and cause the dumper to feel pressured, stressed, guilty, disrespected, angry, and victimized. When the dumper feels that way, the dumper usually responds emotionally and regrets breaking up with the dumpee even less.
He or she considers the dumpee a beggar – a nuisance and increases the emotional distance between them. Every time the dumpee breaks no contact and says or does something the dumper doesn’t want and isn’t ready for, the dumper loses more respect for the dumpee and feels happy about abandoning the relationship.
So bear in mind that no contact has the highest chance of success when you do it properly. Properly means that you avoid reaching out for unimportant reasons and stay away from your ex for as long as it takes.
If you only do no contact for 30 days, chances are your ex will still feel relieved by the breakup and push you away when you try to reason with him or her. Your actions will show that you have romantic expectations of your ex, overwhelm your ex, push your ex further away, and decrease your chances of reconciliation.
Not only that. You’ll also feel rejected and need longer to recover from heartbreak. That’s because you’ll blame yourself for letting emotions get the best of you and begin to doubt no contact.
Many dumpees start doubting the no contact rule. A few weeks or months into no contact, they don’t see any changes in their ex’s thinking and behavior, so they assume no contact must not be working otherwise they’d see their ex gradually coming back around.
Such dumpees don’t understand that the majority of exes don’t come back gradually, one day at a time by slowly getting close to their ex and getting to know their ex again. They come back very quickly and unpredictably when they encounter an issue bigger than they can handle.
Basically, they reflect without their ex’s awareness, contact their ex, and ask for another chance within minutes of reaching out. They don’t look happy and act excited to befriend their ex. Dumpers who appear unaffected don’t regret leaving the relationship.
They may regret being rude or mean to their ex, but that’s about it. Reconciliation requires regret and pain.
If you want to know if no contact works, the quickest answer is that it works.
It lets your ex:
- be free, in control of his/her life, and not feel guilty
- reach his or her post-breakup goals and expectations
- process negative thoughts and emotions
- let go of some bad relationship experiences
- think about you and wonder why you’re staying away
- see that you’re not desperate for a relationship and that you’re not a threat to his or her happiness
- explore his or her post-breakup life, encounter difficulties, and put his or her problem-solving skills to the test
As long as the breakup is fresh and the dumper has the time of his or her life, the dumper won’t experience any problems. It’s unlikely because the dumper will be empowered by the breakup and see the relationship as the cause of his or her pre-breakup unhappiness.
Things could change later (months into the breakup) when the dumper runs out of steam, stops feeling and acting excited, experiences problems, and sees what his or her new life looks like and will continue to look like.
That’s when the dumper will become prone to stress, realization, and perhaps even regret. He or she could want you back, provided the dumper lacks the willpower to resolve problems and pain without you.
Don’t expect the dumper to miss you mere days after the breakup. Those who come back days after the breakup still have feelings for their ex. They’re usually just frustrated with their ex and want their ex to change his or her mentality and behavior.
Real breakups (as opposed to fakeups) require dumpers to go through certain stages known as the stages of a breakup for the dumper. In these stages, dumpers slowly process resentment, fears, doubts, and other relationship-destructive emotions.
They learn that dumpees aren’t bad people and that they deserve some recognition for staying committed until the end. Slowly, no contact convinces them that their exes had good intentions and that they needn’t be afraid of them.
Of course, not all dumpers stop running away from problems, but those who do tend to stop blaming their ex for them. They at least partially acknowledge their mistakes and fix their tone and attitude. Instead of feeling sorry for themselves, they feel bad for hurting their ex and complicating their ex’s life.
Therefore, the no contact rule does work. It allows the dumper to have fun without interruptions and helps him or her see the dumpee in a better light. No contact also works for you. It guarantees detachment and recovery as long as you want to heal and follow most of its rules.
In today’s article, we talk about the no contact rule and whether/when it works. We discuss why no contact is important whether you want your ex back or move on with your life.
Does the no contact rule work?
The no contact rule always works in terms of recovering from the breakup. As long as you have a positive mind and want to recover emotionally, no contact will help you process rejection pain and kick your ex off the pedestal. It will heal your wounds and show you that you don’t need your ex to be happy and successful.
You just need to increase your self-love and find purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
If you’re like most dumpees, you’re not following this rule to get over your ex. You’re following it to get back with your ex and feel your ex’s love again. You crave validation and safety and hope that no contact will affect your ex in such a way that he or she comes running back and apologizes for turning your life upside down.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to reconcile with an ex who left you. Your desire to reconnect indicates that you value your ex and depend on him or her for self-love and direction in life. You’d have to be a robot or completely detached not to get affected by the breakup. You’d have to dislike your ex romantically and be glad your ex broke up with you.
Since this isn’t the case, you’re in tons of pain. Your ex destroyed your relationship goals and triggered your separation anxiety and other repressed fears. They will take some time to process. You’re looking at months of staying away from your ex and rebuilding your self-worth.
Don’t expect to be over your ex in a week or two, especially if you had strong feelings and/or an intense relationship with your ex. A couple of weeks is enough only to get out of denial and accept the breakup. It’s not enough to leave a relationship behind and date someone else.
Your ex may be able to move on right away, but that’s because your ex had already detached. He or she had days or weeks prior to the breakup to stop caring about the relationship and get excited about the post-breakup life. Meaning, your ex detached long before he or she initiated the breakup.
Don’t compare yourself to your ex. If you broke up with your ex weeks before he or she did, the roles would be reversed. You’d feel relieved, and your ex would be the one crying, losing sleep over the breakup, and obsessively checking his or her phone for texts from you.
Rest assured that you won’t always feel this hurt. When you get your self-esteem back up, you’ll stop analyzing your ex’s every word and action and worry about your own life instead.
Until then, you will wonder if the no contact works and if certain exes are immune to it or less likely to regret breaking up with you.
Certain dumpers are indeed less likely to want you back. But that’s not directly related to no contact or your reconciliation approach. Avoidant dumpers tend to come back less often regardless of whether you talk to them or cut them off for good.
They have a harder time feeling nostalgic/regretful, and emotional and understanding their ex’s worth.
This is not to say that no contact can’t work on them. It can work, provided they fail miserably and engage in productive thinking. If they reflect and realize they’ll have a hard time replacing their ex with someone better and being happy without their ex, they could come back when they run out of options and distractions.
You must already know that not all relationships can be salvaged. Some dumpers don’t come back even if dumpees follow no contact down to a T and do everything right. No contact isn’t only about dumpees. It’s mainly about dumpers and their way of dealing with problems and regrets.
If they don’t get hurt and see how they contributed to the breakup, they don’t come back and invest in the relationship. Instead of fixing the relationship with their ex, they invest their energy and time in people or things that can keep them busy and distracted.
So don’t think that no contact has a 100% success rate. Some relationships are unhealthy and shouldn’t get another chance. They should end (at least for a while) so that couples can learn and improve from them. Healthy relationships, on the other hand, need a good incentive to get another chance. Dumpers must realize they’ve made a terrible mistake and that they’ll continue to be unhappy if they stay away from their ex.
When they think this way, their mentality allows them to return to their ex and give the relationship another try.
All in all, the no contact rule works when the right conditions are met. When dumpers process the breakup and get in trouble, they can reflect on the relationship, miss their ex, and redevelop romantic feelings and expectations. Until then, they keep their distance and consider their ex incompatible.
With that said, here’s why the no contact rule works and is the best reconciliation method.
How long does no contact take to work?
No contact can work in 20 days or 5000 days. There’s no limit to when no contact can affect the dumper and force him to come back. But from what I see, it usually changes the dumper’s perception of the dumpee enough to reach out 3 – 6 months into no contact. That’s when dumpers usually stop craving space and become curious or nostalgic about their ex.
They contact their ex and talk about things that don’t concern dumpees. You probably wouldn’t consider that success, but it’s a huge improvement from when dumpers felt annoyed, acted cold, or expressed no interest in their ex’s life. It’s a big change in thinking and behavior.
You can tell no contact is working if your ex stops avoiding you, treating you badly, and blaming you for everything. An improvement in your ex’s behavior shows that your ex respects you more than before and that you may be able to have a civil conversation with your ex. That in itself doesn’t indicate that your ex wants you back, but it does show that your ex’s perception of you has improved.
If your ex gets in trouble and misses you romantically, your ex could want you back. Anything could happen if your ex respects you when he or she runs into issues and can’t resolve them without you. I don’t want to give you hope, but do keep in mind that no contact can take any amount of time to work. It can take years or longer for your ex to experience a painful failure and a loss of self-esteem.
Life works in mysterious ways. You could hear from your ex when you least expect to and learn that your ex’s life didn’t go according to plan. Your ex probably won’t tell you that directly, but you’ll be able to tell something went wrong when your ex comes crawling back and hands you your power back. Something or someone (usually the latter) must hurt your ex and make your ex rely on you for comfort.
So if your ex doesn’t want you back after 6 months or even a year, it doesn’t mean that he or she never will. All it means is that your ex hasn’t discovered your worth yet and that you need to keep healing and moving on.
Don’t wait for your ex just because your ex could come back years later. Don’t contact your ex and try to change his or her mind either.
Don’t do it even if your ex is going through something difficult. Your ex knows his or her backup plans. If you’re not a part of those plans, you can’t do anything to change that. Your ex has to run out of options and willingly put you on the list of people to go back to when things go awry.
When does no contact not work?
One of the times no contact doesn’t bring the dumper back is when the dumper doesn’t believe in second chances. When he has a strict no getting back with exes policy, he moves on with someone else rather than get back with his ex. No contact doesn’t change his mind because he believes a relationship deserves only one chance.
As long as he has this belief, he remains set on staying broken up and looks for happiness elsewhere. He might change this belief in the future, but it could take a long time for him to encounter a problem he can’t deal with alone. A problem like a really painful rejection.
No contact also doesn’t work when the dumper blames you for his problems and feels repulsed by you. Such a dumper may be too resentful to look at the relationship objectively and give you the credit you deserve. Although bitter exes can process the breakup and return to the relationship they abandoned, the most resentful ones often lack the maturity to reflect and see their ex’s positive traits.
They don’t have the capacity to grow as people, so they self-victimize and cause problems rather than resolve them.
No contact can’t work when dumpers don’t want it to. When they’re convinced they’re innocent and that their ex is the problem or a threat to their safety and happiness, they don’t come back even if they need help with something. They focus on themselves instead and move forward rather than backward.
They also move forward if dumpees use no contact to manipulate their feelings. If they play jealousy games and try to scare their exes into reaching out and talking to them, dumpees see through them and sometimes even block them. They don’t feel the need to talk to them and be with them when dumpees are trying to show off and control their feelings.
So remember that the no contact rule always works for you and may work for your ex. This depends on what you do in no contact, your ex’s personality and coping mechanisms, and the issues your ex encounters without you. The less prepared your ex is for an independent life, the bigger the chance that no contact will urge your ex to come back and invest in you.
Are you wondering if the no contact rule works? How quickly are you hoping for it to give you positive results? Share your expectations and understanding of no contact in the comments below.
However, if you want to talk to us about no contact and the effects it has or might have on your ex, subscribe to a private coaching session. We’ll devise a plan that suits your situation and needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
