Many dumpees believe their ex has an avoidant attachment style mainly because of the way their ex is acting after the breakup. They forget or ignore the fact that their ex’s attachment style was visible to them throughout the relationship as well.
They just never paid much attention to it because they were caught in the moment and didn’t think it was important. But, unfortunately, it was important. Attachment styles determine how couples perceive love and give love. If they’re incompatible in this regard, they could demand attention and affection from each other that they aren’t capable of giving.
That could slowly drain their energy and make them feel that they don’t understand each other emotionally.
Fortunately, attachment styles can be changed with a lot of self-reflection as people have the capacity to detect their unhealthy tendencies and work on them. But the biggest issue I see is that most people don’t realize they even have flaws to work on. They prefer to blame their partners for angering, offending, and not understanding them. By doing so, they oftentimes lose feelings for their partners and give up on their relationships altogether.
Such people may never change. They would need something or someone to put them in a state of shock and force them to evolve or risk losing something valuable to them.
The problem with avoidants is that they avoid deep emotional connections. They don’t get close to people, which means that they seldom find emotional incentives to work on themselves. And people who don’t have emotional incentives to change seldom do.
They don’t feel the need or desperation to be with their partner as they prefer solitude and privacy in their romantic life.
So before we get into more detail and talk about whether your ex is an avoidant, let’s first make some things clear.
The reason your ex is acting avoidant (disinterested, cold, or different) has nothing to do with his or her attachment style. Your ex appears unrecognizable to you because your ex is relieved and elated. Most dumpers feel this way because they had been dying to separate from their ex and live their life freely.
The only exceptions are dumpers who have been forced to break up by parents as well as depressed dumpers. But even those people oftentimes feel relieved because they feel that their relationship was hindering their happiness and making things painful for them.
That’s why post-breakup behavior and avoidant attachment styles are two completely unrelated things.
Attachment styles are types of relationships and connections between people. They shouldn’t be confused with detachment—when your partner becomes your ex and no longer cares about you. If you think that your ex is avoidant simply because your ex is ignoring you and dating someone else the day after the breakup, that’s not necessarily an avoidant person.
It’s a person who detached from you a while ago and is treating you poorly.
In this article, we’ll look into some different types of attachment styles.
Types of attachment styles
An attachment style, whether it’s avoidant, anxious, or secure is developed in a person’s early childhood. Its type is determined by how a child was looked after and the circumstances he or she grew up under.
For example, if the baby, infant, or child grew up in a very strict, controlling, and abusive family, the child is much more likely to develop an anxious attachment style—an uncertain and fearful attachment style. That’s because he or she constantly searched for approval from parents and lacked confidence in his or her worth and abilities. An anxious person is generally a people-pleaser and will put others’ needs before his or her own.
On the other hand, if a child wasn’t loved much, was neglected, abandoned, or left alone for long periods of time, then that child is much more likely to not be used to having deep connections and may even avoid them, hence the name – avoidant attachment style. A person with this style of attachment will have a difficult time investing in a relationship and being invested in. He or she will prefer some space.
And lastly, if a child was loved and grew up in an encouraging family, then that child will likely have a secure attachment style. A secure person feels comfortable in his or her skin and tends to form healthy bonds.
These are simplified examples of anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles. A person could also have various combinations of these styles, but let’s stick to the main 3 categories for now.
Below is a chart of the three most common attachment styles and the percentages of people with each style.
As you can see from the pie chart above, the most common attachment style is the secure attachment style. About 60% of people have this style. Much less common (although still too common) are avoidant and anxious styles. These styles have about 20% of people each.
This explains why so people have trouble creating healthy relationships. It doesn’t even include all the other problems people have such as trust issues, commitment issues, fears, doubts, stressors, depression, and being hung up on an ex. With all these issues + the unhealthy attachment styles, the % of people who need to work on themselves is mindblowing.
So next time you think that you, your ex, or your partner have nothing to work on, bear in mind that 40% of people have unresolved childhood issues and that many people have problems, behavioral patterns, and shortcomings to work on.
I did too. But I had to get broken up with to realize it.
With that said, let’s now talk about the 3 attachment styles and figure out which style best suits your ex.
Anxious attachment style
If your ex has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably invested in you a lot more than you invested in him or her. Your ex did that so you would give more love and attention and make him or her feel more secure. Your approval meant a lot to your ex because your ex lacked the confidence and self-esteem necessary to be emotionally independent.
People with this attachment style tend to abandon relationships the least. That’s because they need (not just want) their partner to feel reassured and prepared to tackle whatever problem life throws at them. Sometimes they also cheat and reattach to someone else, of course, but in my opinion, that happens mainly to people who don’t love themselves and have extremely low self-esteem.
People with anxious attachment styles require constant reassurance. If for a short moment, you don’t provide your anxious partner with enough attention and love, you will likely notice your partner become afraid and worried. You’ll notice him or her calling and texting you, asking where you are, and perhaps even accusing you of infidelity (depending on your partner’s personality and maturity).
To a secure person, an anxious individual sometimes appears like a heroin junkie. The junkie needs a reassurance fix—and the secure person is his or her reassurance provider.
So if your ex has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably often complained that you weren’t giving him or her enough attention and expressed it to you in a straightforward manner.
Your ex-partner probably said things like:
- you’re not giving me enough attention
- why are you looking at that girl?
- when will you make time for me?
- you always put me last
A secure person could also say these things, but an anxious person would over-rely on you for happiness and try to make you say and do certain things to know that you care.
Here’s how insecure people with these 3 attachment styles usually are.
An ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend with an anxious attachment style could be so anxious that he or she contacts you and tries to grab your attention and validation. He or she could cry, insult you, or do anything to show how hurt and upset he or she is with your behavior or a lack of presence.
Avoidant attachment style
If you’re wondering whether your ex is an avoidant, allow me to explain how an avoidant would have behaved throughout the relationship.
An ex with an avoidant attachment style is a person who throughout the relationship doesn’t need a close emotional bond with a partner. He or she doesn’t have the same cravings as the dumpee as he or she didn’t experience healthy attachment bonds over the course of childhood.
An avoidant person has been raised to believe that deep emotional connections are meaningless and that they have to put themselves first and rely only on themselves. They don’t do this on purpose, of course. They do it subconsciously and consider it normal.
Avoidant people normally appear very strong and independent. They need quite a bit of space, so they starve their partners of love and validation and unknowingly and indeliberately make their partners chase them. Many people develop an avoidant attachment style at a very young age when they find themselves in a position to fend for themselves.
Children with one parent are much more likely to develop this style of attachment. They are self-sufficient and the polar opposite of people with an anxious attachment style.
Avoidants hold back their feelings and suppress their emotions whereas anxious people tend to be more open and expressive.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, he or she probably avoids highly emotional topics. Anything that has to do with bonding and opening up emotionally pressures your ex and makes it harder for your ex to hide emotions and be himself/herself.
Here are avoidants’ relationship values from lowest to highest.
An avoidant ex or a person with an avoidant attachment style will always appear slightly distanced. He or she does not value quality time and words of affirmation as opposed to people with an anxious style. He or she prefers love languages that are easier to express and demand less time.
If your ex had an avoidant attachment style he or she would often reject bonding and emotionally-driven conversations.
You would hear him or her say things like:
- I’m perfectly happy on my own
- I don’t need anyone around me
- please don’t touch me
- I want Sundays to myself
- I want to do my own things
- I hate it when others depend on me
Secure attachment style
The healthiest and most stable attachment style is the secure attachment style. As the name suggests, this attachment style has a secure foundation and lets couples have loving relationships. Couples with this attachment style typically don’t appear overly anxious or overly disinterested. They strike a healthy balance between wanting love and wanting time to themselves.
So if your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend had a secure attachment style, he or she probably appeared completely “normal” throughout the relationship. This means he or she bonded emotionally and expressed his or her needs in a healthy manner.
Romantic partners with secure attachment styles don’t run after their partners and seek validation. They don’t feel the need to obtain recognition and acceptance at all. Instead, they do things that make them internally happy. Things such as spending time with friends and focusing on their careers and hobbies.
It goes without saying that when a secure person is happy outside of a relationship, he or she brings joy into his or her romantic relationship as well. That’s because he or she has something valuable to share with the other person.
To be secure doesn’t mean that you can’t feel insecure at times. Everyone is capable of feeling threatened in one way or another – even avoidants. Some people aren’t very mindful of their partner, so they trigger their partner’s insecurities. That doesn’t mean they’re insecure but that their partners don’t care about their feelings.
That’s why the only thing that the secure attachment style means is that you don’t act irrationally, react impulsively, and ruin relationships because of your insecurities.
Will your avoidant ex come back?
Although people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to come back than avoidants – thanks to their deep-rooted insecurities, avoidants sometimes come back as well.
They come back mainly because they experience difficulties connecting with people. When they realize that the problem isn’t with their ex but with them, they become regretful and nostalgic and come running back at lightning speed.
But to become regretful and nostalgic, they need to consider their ex as their best dating option. That’s how they can grow their respect for their ex and perhaps even start working on their unhealthy tendencies.
So if you’re wondering if your avoidant ex will come back, this really depends on how your ex thinks of you and whether your ex is capable and willing to improve his or her perception of you. If your ex wants to grow as a person and hates the idea of leaving you behind, you can be certain that your ex will come back for you.
Your ex will do that because of pain and anxiety.
But if your ex refuses to do the work and blames you for his or her lack of happiness in the relationship, then your ex will probably move on to someone else and continue to face the same issues with that person.
Your ex will probably have to find another avoidant person or a mature secure person who will tolerate his or her inconsistencies.
How to get back with an avoidant ex-partner?
Getting back with a secure person is difficult enough. But when you want to get back with an avoidant ex, let’s just say that you’re going to scare him or her off and get even more hurt. You just won’t be able to show someone who doesn’t want to be loved that you love him or her and want to make things work.
All you can do is give your avoidant ex space and “hope” that your ex reflects and discovers his/her flaws and avoidance issues.
If you’ve read everything up to this point and your ex fits the description of an avoidant, here’s my advice on how to make your avoidant miss you and get back together.
- Cut your ex off for good
- Apply the strictest no contact rule there is – the indefinite no contact rule
- Avoid making breakup mistakes
- Wait for the avoidant to experience difficulties with someone else
- Allow him or her to contact you and chase you (exes don’t want to be chased – especially avoidants)
And that’s it. There are no tricks and gimmicks to winning back the heart of an avoidant.
You just need to be patient, focus on moving on, and let enough time pass for an avoidant ex-partner to learn some valuable life lessons and realize your worth.
Is your ex an avoidant or does he or she show avoidant tendencies? Comment below and let me know.
And if you wish to talk about whether your ex is an avoidant with us and devise a post-breakup plan, reach out to us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi,
Avoidants don’t care about others feelings. The best thing is to avoid avoidants. They will drain your energy and health. Relationship should give you energy not take it from you. Relationship is when two people love each other and understand on every level and can communicate about everything to solve every issue. With avoidants relationship is just impossible. For them is more like business.
Avoid avoidants! Life is too short!
Pawel
Thanks for the comment, Paul.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hi, my partner of 1.5 years was/is a fearful avoidant. I displayed traits of secure and sometimes when triggered anxious but I was aware.
Something started to breakdown anytime I wanted to talk about anything deep or of substance about feelings and the relationship. He said he just preferred not to talk about that kind of stuff at the same time he pushed me subtly for reassurance that I want going to leave him. I have as much honest secure attachment as I could.
About 4 times in the relationship he had attempted to walk out and end things when conflict arose. Each time it came out of nowhere I was usually able to calm him and talk him out of things.
He had been battling with what I suspect was depression for quite some time and wasn’t coping well due to other stressors in life. I was very supportive and I think on some level that made him uncomfortable.
5 days ago he started shutting down and saying he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore even though he absolutely loved me to bits. I didn’t try to change his mind this time I just left and have had no contact with him since. He did write me a letter after I walked out didn’t contact him saying it was breaking his heart that we couldn’t be together but he just knew he couldn’t. I didn’t respond didn’t want to get into the cycle again. I have been working with a therapist to get some clarity.
I’m sending him healing energy from afar but I have not reached out and made any contact even though my anxiety would love to but I’m working on self soothing.
I feel I was his person the love of his life and his actions really showed that.
I have decided to do nothing and just see if I ever hear from him again. The anxious part of me wants to reach out and beg but the bigger part of me feels he needs to work out for himself this pattern of running. I can’t make him look at it.
I’m pretty sure I will never hear from him again if I don’t reach out.
Is no contact the best idea?
I would be open to working on things with him with a therapist to try to help the cycles and communication. He knows that.
Any input? 🙂 Thanks.
Your relationship and breakup story sound incredibly like mine. It has been three weeks since my breakup. I haven’t contacted him either, but have heard from him a couple of times, but not about anything important. You sound like you are handling everything so gracefully. I’ll send healing thoughts to you. 😊
I absolutely have been seeing a very educated and skilled avoidant. He has mastered behavior between the lines everyone defines. I knew if a spoke about my needs he would dump me. Finally after 5 month of not talking about how I feel I said I don’t want to break up. I do want to talk about how I am having a really hard time. I said I need you right now. He dumped me in that call. told me to go to his home and collet m things. 2 days before this I was moving more things in at his request. It was the 3rd time same pattern. I did what he wanted. I went and got everything. so I wont go back. I wont contact him. It was beyond cold for the situation. The man truly has so much fear he cant control himself to have some class and calmly end things. Had to dumping when I was already worried. Worried about many thing outside of our relationship. I have seen him drag his feet to fire someone and drop me in seconds. I wonder if he will ever realize what he did to me and my children. I would love some feed back.
Anxious people always blame someone else , because they are so blind or don’t want to admit that they need to heal their attachment trauma. Deal with your abandonment fear and express yourself directly always. Don’t blame your avoidant partners. Take your shit together. That’s the lesson you should learn when you are in love with avoidant. Don’t look for excuses not to stand up for yourself and say what you really want or need. That’s your lesson in life. Stop playing stupid mindgames / stop hoping someone can read your mind / stop hoping that you partner would act like you would , they Don’t , they are different people than you. Open your mouth and ask and if your needs aren’t met then just Fucking move on to someone who will.
Agree 100%. Anxious attachment style can be healed with hard work!
My over broke up with me 6 weeks ago. We had an amazing relationship despite his moments of inability to connect. He really opened up to me about his pain and struggles in life and we had such a beautiful relationship to sum it up. He had been struggling with depression and anxiety for a few months and I was the only person who he could open up to and cry to. With this though we would have some fights cause he could push me away as quick as he could let me in. A week before the breakup we booked our first overseas trip together, he said his biggest regret in life would be to leave me while he goes through this and that I am the love of his life. Fast forward 6 days later we had an argument because he was detaching himself again and I didn’t understand it which caused the fight. Then he randomly broke up with me and told me to not contact him? It was so confusing and heartbreaking considering all these amazing things we just planned for the two of us. Since then we have had 3 conversations where he has put all the blame on the relationship despite me being the only one there for him, has now said he has no mental health struggles and he is fine and is not taking responsibility for anything. He starts the chat by saying he doesn’t know if he loves me and me leaving his life hasn’t impacted him too much. But then he puts down his walls and starts crying saying he loves me but can’t be with me and he misses me so much but it isn’t going to work now? He has completely shut me out and has caused me so much fucking pain. Plus going through this with isolation is so fucked. How is he okay with this? How can we get back together? How can he switch from one week being the love of his life to breaking up with me. A month prior we went away for the weekend and had the most amazing time ever. We were together for a year and a half and I was the closest person in his life. Please help! He has a really toxic home life hence the dismissive avoidant behaviour. How is he okay with out me. So confused and hurt.
That’s exactly what’s happening to me atm.uo to the 9th March for 14 months we have had the best most strongest bond she opened up to me on everything I have been her rock she had a very troubling time when we met after a 9 year toxic relationship.
We went out on a date together everything felt so amazing we held hands kissed cuddled all night, I left the Saturday morning to pick up my kids from my ex, 2 days pass I come back home to her and she is needing space..
This goes on for a week, I give her the space she needs, she messages me a week later saying thank you she appreciated what I did and we will speak soon. Few more days pass she becomes very distant her language towards me is very cold.
She starts being nice again and feels like everything is back to normal. Then one day I get a txt after asking to meet, she says she isn’t ready to see me she will be in touch. I became very anxious at this point and started to become needy of her affection.
I have an anxious attachment style she has an avoidant attachment style.
3 days later we meet for a coffee and she says to me I am to intense and she is not ready for such a commitment with me although she suggested the idea of a relationship in the first place.
I honestly felt heart broken and spent a week trying to make her change her mind, I know now that no matter what I did I couldn’t of changed it but I tried anyway.
It’s been 9 days nc now and yesterday I broke it as had to collect my stuff from hers.
I could see she was upset to see me but she held a strong face in front of her child. So did I.
She messaged me at 1am last night saying I called her, I didn’t but the convo felt so cold and as if we were just two people talking no affection but she asked about me and my girls so there is still some feelings in there. I want her to understand I still love her and I’m there for her but I think no matter what I do it’s not helping.
Any advice, I am going back to no contact no and working on my own insecurity but I love her and miss her so much, its literally burning my heart!
Anon and Christopher, your stories sound so similar to mine…. with the love of my life for almost 14 months. All along he had hinted about at troubled past and admitted he had a hard time connecting and trusting. Things were going beautifully however, and then during a phone call one day i must have triggered an abandonment fear and I never heard from him again. He has ignored all of my attempts to contact him. Do some research on borderline personality disorder, I think you’ll get some answers there. My guy i believe is the quiet BPD type, also fearful avoidant, different than the dismissive avoidant type.
Hi,
So here’s my story..it’s a bit long.
I have been with my bf for 2 years. From the very beginning of the relationship he always said that he didn’t know if he would ever be able to change that he had always been on his own and had never been able to do long term relationships. Said many a time that he found it difficult to let go of the reigns so to speak. Every 6 months he always seemed to distance himself but then he came back soon after.
He is 49 and has never lived with anyone. Our relationship was very relaxed I’d spend weekends with him but for a long time he used to say he didn’t like the feeling of it being Friday to Monday didn’t like the feeling that it was almost routine. He’s always said that he prefers to not plan things almost just wake up that day and see what that day brings. Over time he seemed to change almost the opposite to how he’d felt, looked forward to me being there. We had a great social circle that he brought me into, I met many of his friends who came over on holiday, all men. Even they always said to me that I had a difficult job with him as he wasn’t easy but they also said that they had never seen him so happy.
Since last summer it felt like he was getting closer he used to say to me many times that he was starting to fall but he didn’t like it, he even at times talked about having a baby!? I dismissed this each time he brought it up as I said to him how could we even think of having a baby as we hadn’t even lived together. I just thought that was him starting to let himself go talking like that.
We went on our first proper holiday in February, he took me back to his home town during the holiday I met all his family and I really felt that this was a real step forward, we were even invited to a family wedding. Anyway the holiday finished we came back and he started to distance himself. I did expect him to pull back as I knew it was a big pressure to be together that long so I was prepared to a degree.
We had a big argument the worst we’ve ever had about a week after we got back. He literally just blew up in my face like he had lost control and shouted at me to to just get out that we were done and he’d had enough. This argument had happened after we’d been out for dinner and I had been talking about the holiday and if he’d enjoyed being with each other so much. He went quiet and I instinctively knew that it was not good.
I didn’t leave after the argument and we talked into the early hours and the next morning. He said he didn’t know what he wanted and needed some space. It was all very emotional he was visibly upset as was I.
He popped into my office the following week and greeted me normally so I felt a bit of reassurance inside that things would be ok, he said he felt like he had let me down I reassured him that he hasn’t and not to be so hard on himself. I bumped into him the following week and he told me he loved me and kissed me. After that I was sure that it was just space he needed and all would be ok. I was wrong.
Things went quieter and I didn’t see him after that. I text about a week later and he told me that he couldn’t carry on as we were if we were to carry on he needed to know he could go forward properly with no holding back and he couldn’t do that right now. He said he didn’t think he would ever change and after 2 years after being with someone who he got on so well with he didn’t see that he could ever change. He said that he would love to be able to say in the future that he’d missed me and wanted another chance but he knew he was taking a chance by doing that as chances are i could have moved on by then. He went on to say this was absolutely nothing to do with me that I was the kindest loyal and most honest person he’d ever met.
Last week was really tough and emotional I went to his to collect my things and return his key it was very sad we were both crying, later in the week I had to go back as had left a few things. It wasn’t as emotional but it was still very sad we hugged and talked for hours. He said he was sorry he couldn’t be normal he said he struggled with the balance of being with me and having his own time, said he had started to put pressure on himself and that he struggled with finding that balance of being with me on the weekends and feeling that he could also do his own thing. He said he didn’t feel it was fair to me if he didn’t want to spend time with me when I was there with him. He couldn’t understand how his friends did it in their relationships he didn’t think it was right if I was at his and he came in late after being out, said it wasn’t fair to be like that. He said he’d always been on his own and this was the closest relationship he’d ever had, previous ones had always been long distance.
We talked more and I asked him why he had said that he could see himself missing me and asking for another chance and he said because I know I will I probably will wake up one day and think how stupid I was for letting you go but he also said that he didn’t know if he would and couldn’t give me that guarantee. I stayed for few more hours and we just cuddled up on the sofa kissed and watched tv he said I needed to go as it would only confuse things more and that he didn’t want to hurt me any more, he said it would be too easy to just carry on as we were he said he wants to be friends but understands that it’s hard to do that with feelings still involved. He said neither of us know the future but right now he needs to be on his own he didn’t give me any further hope than that. I left and that was Thursday.
I have not contacted him since and I’m not going to as I feel I should respect what he is saying. From what I have researched about avoidance I definitely feel he’s either a fearful avoidant or dismissive. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken that this has happened I am in so much pain right now and feel so numb. From what I have all said does this sound like he’s completely done with the relationship will he miss me from his life? do you think he will contact me again or do you think I should accept the pain and move on. One thing I did forget to mention was he said that he has felt the urge many times to text me but he stopped himself, I don’t know if that shows that he’s already struggling with it or that he’s moving on?
With all that is going on in the world being in lockdown and having to go through this on top I just feel like I can’t cope my mind is constantly restless. If there’s any advice you could give me would be most appreciated.
I wish you all safe and well in these very dark times…
Kira
Hey Kira,
I had a kinda similar experience with my ex gf. We dated for around a year and a half. We were very nice together. She was up front with the fact that she has never been super intimate with anyone before. Her only serious bf before me had dated her for 6 months before she “lost feelings”. She never told him I love you even though he would say it all the time. We agreed to go slow and take it one step at a time. Well we ended up being really good friends and learned how to respect each other’s preferences in our own ways. She needed space sometimes and I viewed giving her that space as a gift and a way of loving her if she needed it.
This went on and even though we are still in university last summer we went on our first vacation together too for a weekend. We had invited each other over to family weddings and had seriously talked about dating long term. We were in long distance so i think this helped her avoidant style. Things were going along well with only every several months us encountering a problem. Idk if she held onto these arguments or miscommunications and never let go of that emotion, hence harboring like the article says avoidants do.
Well the last argument we had was in November. She called me and said the distance was too much we never have good conversations. She said I am about to graduate (I am a 3rd year) and need someone there for me as I move on in life. I told her that if she was serious about that then yes, its time to grow up and treat you right, wrote her a letter and everything. Winter break came along and we spent hours together, working, visiting her family a lot and her coming to see mine. Her family really got closer to me, and we were getting really intimate again. We went back to school and texted really good for about two or three weeks. Then I visited her for her birthday and she seemed like she needed space. I gave it to her and she appreciated it even though we never really talked about it. That’s just how we got along, and then when she was ready she would ask me to cuddle with her. Well she did initiate a little cuddling and kissing that weekend but not like normal. Things go on for a few weeks and I visit her at home with her mom one more time, she initiated a kiss goodbye.
Well then after that a few weeks of me feeling her pull away. I asked if she was losing feelings and she said yes. I told her that’s okay we will just take this one step at a time. She said she would visit me and we would work it out and how she didn’t deserve me. Very similar to how your ex kinda rebounded after the initial problems began. Well as the weeks went on we just weren’t talking and it got hard for me to give her space. We called 3 times a week when she got off work, but I think it became routine for her, and I didn’t want to beg her. I asked if I could visit for a day when the opportunity arrived and got her some gifts (trying to bring back that spark, which we both agreed needed to happen). She said yes. But then the day before i went she just called it off and seemed super annoyed. Saying I was smothering her, that she felt forced with this visit or dinner or anything. I said thats fine, and she asked for a break. We set a month, but I still talked to her every 5-7 days. Eventually things were real quiet and we had fought a little. She just told me that she can’t do it and doesn’t have any feelings, nothing happened and nothing I did led to her feeling this way. We agreed to break up. That’s been that so far. I reached out 3 weeks later and we had a little joke but no conversation. I even went and posted a song I wrote on social media lol, nothing over the top.
I guess when it comes to those people who love you but push you out there really is nothing you can do Kira. I am just going to patiently wait, maybe reach out in a few months after the dust settles. No harm, no foul right. Good luck and hope everyone finds peace with themselves. just know that nothing was wrong with you for them to push you away.
Do avoidant exes ever come back to anxious attachment style dumpees?
They might or might not. If they come back then the end result is still the same ( break up) , because of his and your attachment style differences. Help yourself and forget him. Work on your attachment style . You can’t change his! I wish u all the best!
People who raise up our insecurities or negative emotions in ourselves. They only meant to teach us not to stay with us for rest our lives. They show us what’s needs to be healed. So let him go and work with your attachment to get yourself better relationship in future.
My avoidant ex recently broke up with me and I’m anxious but I was working on it and getting better and I felt more and more secure and then almost out of nowhere he started doubting our relationship and said that he felt like he needed time alone right now so we were on a break for 2 weeks but still talking and I was doing my best to give him the space he needed since I knew he was avoidant and if I suffocated him too much he would want to leave even more. Then after those 2 weeks he broke up with me and at first I felt like it was maybe the right thing and then we saw each other again to talk about the breakup and he realised that he was being unfair with me at times and how much I endend up sacrificing myself and my needs to not be too difficult at times and it made me feel like he is really willing to do work on himself now.
I feel so much like our relathionship could work out and that we where already working though things even if it was hard and that now he realises certain things and that is just what we need to move forward.
At the same time I am aware of the anxious avoidant relatioship trap and of my avoidant tendencies and I’m sceard of never finding someone like him and I don’t know or have never met anyone like him… So yeah I don’t really know what to do, if I should leave some time and go back to him because I know he still cares about me and so do I. Or should I be focusing on healing my anxious tendencies on my own?
Thank you for reading and any advice would be very much apreciated.
1 billion men living in planet earth ! Why is so special ? Why no one replace him or be even better. !? Tell my Why ? He’s just a human like everyone else. You anxious attachment speaking not you. He’s not that special. You just affraid to be alone and never met someone news. Always come someone new and better if you have learned your lessons!
How to date avoidant attachment person !
Use not contact rule only for your own healing not for playing games !
Don’t chase him or her
Communicate needs directly always
No guessing or mind games
Stand your ground always
Compromise
If any of those won’t work move on immediately. Don’t waste your life for someone who’s not willing to put work in relationship.
For all anxiously attached people. If you meet avoidant you have to set clear boundaries and learn how to say no and stick with it !!! There’s no way around ! Clear boundaries- what you want , what you need , what you accept /what not : if you both can compromise that’s good if not then move on immediately!
I love this article I am new brand new at this whole avoidant anxious and secure style thing. I was with a guy who definitely is the avoidant and I am definitely the anxious. It’s good to know that there are names to these dysfunctions because to me that means there could be a solution within myself first and foremost and possibly Right now we are not speaking and I just came to the conclusion that leaving him alone would be better because everything else I have tried has failed. When I didn’t text him for a month I heard from him. He’s the type that never goes back to any of his exes but for some reason he has come back to me over and over and vice versa. Should I feel special over this? I don’t know. The others moved on and I am stuck so maybe I’m not that special. We are both a hot mess. I’m in counseling because I want inner peace and I also suffer from major depressive disorder. I relied too much on him I see this now and it overwhelmed him. He showed avoidant attachment style the whole time as I showed the anxious attachment style I would compromise my own morals and beliefs just to see him or be near him. that doesn’t work. You lose respect from them. Not only them but you lose respect for yourself mostly because I am at fault for allowing my own morals and beliefs to be compromised over another person. I am currently under a complete renovation LOL funny but not funny. I figured if I love him I need to set him free and I have finally done that. I didn’t understand what his deal was or my jio was I can be very mean when I feel like I am losing him or I am not getting the emotional support I need. He was always so quiet passive-aggressive I never had any idea what was really going on never. and he probably was like oh my gosh she’s too much. I don’t know how this would ever work out between him and I. There is something powerful between us and there was something beautiful but she what cost and what extent? Am I imagining this? He distanced himself more and more and more and the more he distanced himself from me that deeper my claw marks got on to him. It doesn’t work. For now I’m a bit lost but I’m letting him be and it actually feels good to have some peace and I’m not texting and begging and acting a fool. I’m sure his anxiety is somewhat better. It was so awesome to see in this article that no contact is the best way I can’t tell you how much that has helped me this morning it helped me realize I did make the right decision and that is the only way the only thing I only tried once and I was at peace and he did contact me. I have tried everything to the absolute ridiculousness such asI have made stuff up to try to get him to stay or to even speak to me I have done and said things to him I never thought I was capable of doing being manipulative just because I didn’t want to lose him and it’s ridiculous I see this now. I just don’t want to be like this whether it’s with him or in the future. I want to be better. I want to inner Peace and self-forgiveness because I constantly blame myself for the demise between us. Eh from Denver Colorado.
I relate to all that you say! I too am anxious and my ex is avoidant. I’ve been no contact for 3 months and it kills me 🙁
Hi, most likely the attraction you feel so strong is not love but attachement trauma. Research “anxious avoidant trap”.
Work on yourself and find someone more suitable. If you are anxious i know thats the last thing you want to hear, sorry.
Hello
I was recently dumped yesterday in fact from an avoident partner. I have only just come to this conclusion of his behaviour/s just now after reading your article.
We were dating for about 5 months and about 2 months ago I’ve started to notice signs of distance and emotional disconnection.. He would go for days not contacting me and it drove me crazy to the point it hard sparked my own anxiety.. This would become to be a push and pull effect upon the relationship and he would end up breaking up with me.. He would return 1-2weeks later and everything that had occurred for the breakup is not discussed.. It was primarily swept under the carpet. This become a cycle of ours things would go well between us for a week or two than his avoident behaviour would come through than once again when I question his behaviour or ask for a little more attention to my needs within the relationship he breaks up with me after ignoring me for a considerable amount of time after I’ve asked him what are his intentions with me. He hasn’t expressed a lot of emotion within this field and it frustrates me. I am completely aware of my taken in the relationship along with my needs and expectations.. Everything else within the relationship is great.. We have a very strong bond and we can almost talk easily for hours about anything apart from his emotions and or feelings. He shows me physical. Affection when we are together but he hasn’t really defined our relationship.. At one point he told me that he just wants to be friends I told him I don’t want to be friends and that ended up with me telling him I would give him space to think about things. I wanted to be with him in a committed exclusive relationship I had opened to him telling him how I felt about him however that wasn’t reciprocated it made him distance more.. So the space I provided for him commenced all the while him knowing that when he decides to reconnect with me to be upfront with his intentions to either continue as a couple or not to reastiblish contact at all and just let things be. He broke contact.. We met up for dinner and it went really well with both of us reconnecting and becoming physical with one another.. I was hoping for him to talk about this reconnection and his intentions of what he wants and what he can provide for me in order to move forward.. That conversation never came up from wither of us. I didn’t know what was happening.. Xmas came shortly after and now new years this was all within the week leading up to Xmas.. As of yesterday new yrs eve he had broke up with me again after I had brought it up about his intentions with me.. He ignored me for a while and so this created to infuriate me even more because the cycle was beginning again. I am quite the impatient person especially when I have concerns and questions.. I than prompted him to respond he didn’t so I told him that I’m done.. I Said that I feel like I’m just a friend with benefits and I don’t want that.. He texted me saying that he doesn’t need this and told me to piss off and that he is done.. This breakup is the forth time its occured. I love this man deeply and I want to be with him long term however in hindsight I know he needs his space but at the same time my needs have to be met and not just his. All the traits you present in your article describe his behaviours as being avoident towards me.. I believe he will reach out to me again but now I need to patient once again.. I don’t want to be but I love him and I’m choosing to be.. I still have some of his belongings and he has blocked me from contacting him via phone he has never added me as a friend on his social media account and he had blocked me from seeing if he is online in messenger.. That occured the first time we had broke up..
He has been hurt in past relationships and so have I.. He is disconnected from his family but he makes the effort to them he has a 7 yr old daughter from a previous relationship.. I have met his daughter a few times and we started to become attached he than stopped that.. He has met my 15 yr old son but he hasn’t met my daughter yet.. He leaves me so confused and concerned about his feelings for me but he shows me in different subtle spontaneous ways that he does love me.. I know he is scared of being hurt again but I wish for him to be more open and transparent about his fears so we can talk about them so we have a much better understanding of each other so we don’t fall into these cycles again but I just don’t know how to approach it.. This leaves me torn and unsettled but presently I know giving him the space he needs is required in this instance..
Thank you for reading.. Can anyone relate to this?? It would be comforting to know if this has happened in anyones relationships and that they have been successful in establishing a better connection with that partner..
Sounds like your anxious and hes avoidant…so hard to get them to retrospect and acknowlege what they feel is from their past not their present.
Can relate to this 100% you are not alone!
I’m Avoidant man and He clearly doesn’t respect because you don’t respect yourself. It’s not love what u feeling it’s your attachment trauma what’s kicks in. You have to learn how to say No ! Avoidant has to respect you if u want a relationship.
Bullshit. Most avoidants resemble narcissists and have narcissistic qualities. They’re actually not good people.
I can totally relate. The best thing you can do is become secure; an avoidant can only heal in a secure relationship, not with an anxious person. Assess if your “needs” are actually needs or wants. If they are true needs, he cannot meet them EVER! My most effective method for becoming secure is meditation. This will help resolve your problems with overthinking and Unhealthy attachment. Attachment is the root of all suffering, as taught in Buddhism.
Holy crap yesssss!!! I started dating some just like that and I was beyond confused. He broke up with me or attempted to four times. It hurt so bad. The last time was because I wanted to see him for more than a day a week and I confronted him finally with why he was so distant. He broke it off again and told me he didn’t have any feelings for me other than the sex. That he used me. I do not believe this bullshit but It hurt so bad. I went off the deep end and he let me. He was so mean and cold. It was like how did we just celebrate my birthday and everything was so great and now you don’t like me at all? I called him a million times and sent a bunch of hate messages. He hurt me and crossed my boundaries and was in dating sites within less than a month. I said really cutting things because I couldn’t stand he said he was using me even if it wasn’t true. I know what we had and so did he but He couldn’t handle it. He’s been single for three years and it was hard to talk to him. I miss him but I know I messed it up so badly he more than likely will never come back or forgive me. I hate that I did that and if I would’ve known then what I know now I would have given space and not reacted crazy. now it’s probably over forever.
Omg I know, the overload on messages in your emotion and the regret you have a few weeks later. Like why did no one ever warn us for that.
Then again, I like to think that as time goes on, he will forget about your messages you have sent and will remember the good stuf
Hope all works out well for you.
Hi,
My ex and I are both in college and we’ve dated since August of 2018. He broke up with me about four months ago and said that he lost feelings for me and fell out of love. It was shocking and came out of nowhere, although we had grown distant for a month because of work and school. I somewhat begged for him to rethink things, because we broke up a month before our anniversary. He said that he cares for me as a person but feels no emotional attachment. Then he Said he didn’t see a future with me and he wanted to be alone to focus on himself. He also said the line “I’m good on my own” and I slowly started to realize he has an avoidant personality. When we were together, I was always more attached than he was and that’s usually how it goes, the girl is always more attached. I didn’t think much of it, because he still always expressed his love for me. We never argued or fought and handled things maturely, but we barely saw each other because of our busy schedules. Sometimes we’d see each other once a month. That led to a lot of distance and I eventually told him how I felt about it, and that’s when he said he hasn’t felt the same for me and we should break up. He said that he’s been going through a lot on his own and didn’t want to tell me what it was. He did say that he fell out of love AFTER the issues started bothering him.
After the breakup he told me he shut out everyone from his life and refused to tell his friends about the issues he faced. He also told me he regrets not doing it in person, (he dumped me over a phone call) but he said he was too afraid to see me cry and he can’t handle that well. I really do love him, and I want to help him because it makes me sad that he suffers alone and puts up a fake face for his friends and family. A part of me knows that he’s probably genuinely happy without me since he likes being alone. But is there a chance that he’s also missing me and our relationship, even if he is avoidant? He still goes out with friends and looks happy, but I’ve been so sad for months and it feels so unfair. He and I spoke a few times after the breakup, I initiated it twice and he initiated it once. However, when he started the conversation and it continued the next day, he deleted me from Snapchat as soon as I went to reply. Why would he reach out to me only to delete me the next day? Do I have a chance to make him come back to me, or should I forget he ever existed, the way he does with me? I already started no contact with him. After he deleted me from Snapchat, I texted to ask why he did that and he didn’t respond. Since then, I vowed to not reach out to him no matter how much I miss him. What else can I do? Please let me know.
Jesus christ, where to begin. I think my ex of 5 months is fearful avoidant, while I am anxiously attached/codependent. In the beginning we spoke clearly about those things and told each other we would support each other through our own insecurities. We were empathizing and compassionate, communicating in a healthy way, and even saying how we were surprised how healthy we could be. After a couple of fights I could tell he was becoming more stressed about having to quell my insecurities and the constant reassuring was draining, but his cancelling of plans and general aloof nature made it impossible to get a read on him, bringing out the worst in my paranoid anxious mind. I knew he wasn’t cheating (despite his long string of relationships that ended due to him cheating incessantly) because, get this, he gave me herpes, which he found out AFTER we had slept together! Herpes being the first string of unfortunate events that occurred. He was breaking out back to back, I almost died due to a lung infection, I found a lump in my breast and all throughout I felt like I was being too much. I saw him slowly fade out of the relationship. I knew he was pulling away. And then the sex stopped, which makes sense since his outbreaks were painful. He told me once that he was depressed, and possible long cycle bi-polar, and that was the last we spoke of it. He progressively became biting about my insecurities, and whenever we got together the intimacy was gone, he would play on his phone, laying on my floor. He was totally gone. One night we went to an event, stayed out later than we should have and I asked to have sex. He said no, and I asked to talk about it. He didn’t want to. I said to him that without sex and communication we dont have a relationship and he said he didn’t care. He was cold, detached, (drunk and high). He slept on my floor, and when I woke up I was aggressive and biting. I said things that were true but… albeit… nasty. He left and we’ve been broken up ever since.
This is where it gets weird.
He came over to my place to talk about it a day after our breakup. He came to my bed and held me as I cried, kissing me and wiping my tears away. I apologized for all of the shitty things I said. The reality being that I knew better. I felt him pulling away so I tested him, or I tried to get him to leave so I could say it was me, but the truth was I didn’t want him to go. He just said he knew, and when I asked him to forgive me he said “I want to be your bf, and I want to take care of you, well not take care of you… but I can’t.” He said that he still loved me, still was in love with me, but wasn’t attracted to me anymore, and had to take care of himself. That he was going to go to therapy and take control of his life. That he saw our communication getting worse, that he has to fix his patterns of pushing the people that love him away. He said he came over only so that our breakup wouldn’t be nasty, and that he was definitely not changing his mind anytime in the future. He said had I not yelled at him, he would have stayed and tried to make the relationship work. I made him leave, so that I could keep some dignity as to not beg and cry the entire night by his side.
I made an empowering post on instagram about the duality of sexuality and intellect in women, and used a photo I had to crop him out of. He thought it was about him, got upset. I asked him if he found someone else. He got upset. He now wants nothing to do with me, and has blocked me on every social media platform. This was a week ago. He still has my stuff at his apartment but hes sending it over tomorrow in an uber.
I guess no contact after tomorrow? I knew he was a runner from the beginning. I made him VERY aware of my trauma and fragility and reluctance to be in a relationship and he told me he loved me, within the first month. Introduced me to his family within the first month. Told everyone I was the one, perfect, amazing and beautiful. With the knowledge of my conditions and trauma he said he was “willing to go down the rabbit hole with me”. He made me feel safe. I slipped up. Many times. And he left. As they do.
He even told me I was the love of his life, and once “Im going to marry you”. And now he wont even speak to me. Quick to flame, quick to fizzle? What do I do? I need answers, closure… anything.
I know this is a few months ago but I figure I’ll comment on this as I can totally understand.
Someone saying they love you within the first month can be considered a red flag. Some people like to “love bomb” their partner early and make them putty in their hands. It makes it easier to manipulate. These people can also mirror your dreams, wants, needs, values etc so you feel like you’re a perfect match. Maybe it’s just plain limerence that caused him to say he loved you so early.
Either way, I want you to know that you should not ever put blame on yourself for the dissolution of your relationship when he said “had I not yelled at him, he would have stayed and tried to make the relationship work.”. The dude wasn’t going to be successful in making the relationship work, and it sounds like yes he really does need therapy to address his avoidance/detachment relationship style.
Also, about the photo, if after a breakup a man cut me out of a photo of us and posted publicly about sexuality/intellect, I would be wondering why on earth he couldn’t just use a different picture? So though his reaction may have seemed severe, I can sort of understand why.
Not sure if it’s a quick to flame, quick to fizzle so much as quick to flame quick to get hurt (be offended/take things personally). I wouldn’t call it a fizzle because it’s not like he doesn’t care. He acted like he doesn’t care in the relationship but from what you’ve described I see passion on his part, albeit unhealthy.
Sorry you feel like you have no closure. I am in a no-closure situation like you, and having no closure nor answers is torturous at times. I have found that each month of NC that goes by it’s getting easier and easier. I’ve been doing my own therapy to heal the wounds that my boyfriend left and I allowed to occur, and I’ve been trying to look deep into myself to see what I could do different the next time. I think for people like us, the healing is the closure. I have had a traumatic life event occur in the past with a spouse and I got through it the same way. I know in a few years I will feel better about the entire situation, and so can you. I suggest to you to not burn any bridges with him but also figure out a way to truly let go. Like really unclasp your white-knuckling fingers and grieve it. Tell yourself he may never come back. I truly believe that some people won’t dare to come back until that partner has grieved and completely let go.It is amazing what time and a little soul-work (therapy, many different forms of) can do for you in terms of healing after a breakup. So say goodbye to him in your mind and wish him well. The roller coaster of emotions may take you for a major ride for months and you’ll sooo badly want to reach out on a birthday, or when you see something hilarious you’ll know he will appreciate, but control yourself and don’t act on those emotions. Now is the time for space and healing.
I’m avoidant man and I know what I’m talking: it’s not love between anxious and avoidant – it’s attachment trauma !!! As a avoidant it’s easy to bond about first two months , after that starts distancing because we afraid to commit because as a child we got hurt so much by our caregiver. So you don’t need closure ! Problem isn’t in you !
Hello! My ex and I got togethere two years and a month ago. Everything was a fairytale until we moved in together 10 months ago. He started to be distant and always sayig he hates that house since he doesn’t have enough space for his stuff. In February he started to be really cold and I asked him what’s going on. He said he’s not sure about his feelings for me and wanted to take a break. I stayed at my sisters for a week and than he decided we should give it another shot but he wants space so I gave him all the space he wanted. A month ago he started to act cold again so I suspected the story from February was about to repeat. I asked him 3 times if everything was ok but he just said he was stressed with work. A week ago I decided I’ve had enough of his very hurting way of treating me and took all my stuff and left him. We talked about it just yesterday and he told me he just can’t make me happy, he is scared of thinking about a future, he is afraid of getting to close to a person , doesn’t think he has enough feelings for me and that is is better to let me go find happiness somewhere else. We hugged and cried together and it was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever felt. He has a very painful experience with his dad abandoning him, his brother and his mom for another woman when he was 20(now he is 30). When he was a baby his dad was always absent. I have an anxious attachment style since my mom left when I was 12 and only saw her one month a year for 10 years. Do you think there is a chance for us to get back together?
Sounds just like my ex. I’m sorry darlin’. Is he in therapy?
Zan
This article is an eye opener.I’m an anxious attachment pern. I think I met an avoidant. I met her online. We spoke everyday after couple of days of meeting. She suggested to move to whatsapp from the dating app. 5 days later she invited me to her house.i spend the night and we were on fire from that day. We spend almost 5 hours daily on whatsapp or phone calls. She always invited me to her house. I met her adult daughter, hanged out with both of them. 2 weeks later she told me she needed a pause because she is finding herself in a relationship she didn’t plan. Even though she said so, she still called and texted me as usual but telling me she s not ready for a relationship. And reminding me of the pause she wants. And also that us being together/or talking so much all the time takes her away from her work which is very important.she would make it as if it’s my fault. She even bought me the most expensive gift even after saying all this. Everytime I was meeting my friends she would insist she wants to be there and I would refuse, because she told me in no uncertain terms she is not ready for a relationship with me. I didn’t want her to meet my friends with this hanging over our heads. I even hanged out with her daughter and grandson even after this request for pause when she invited me over. She was very loving but also pushing me away/by not responding to texts or calls for hours or overnight when she felt like it. But still wanted me to come over. She will later or the next morning make it as if I insisted to come and sleep over and then flip flop to thanking me for coming over as if she doesn’t believe I did come over. I even told her once that I don’t know what to believe.. What she says or what she does as they are mixed signals. So I guess I m now clear. We eventually broke up after a full month and half. I tried the no contact rule for 40 days until my friends encouraged me to text her. She responded and said it was good to hear from me. But after she asked me questions and answered she stopped texting or responding back. I see it as another way for her to have an upper hand. And I m also confused as to why she would say it was good to hear from me but not reach out herself. What do I make of this.
Kay
Hi Ratilwe.
Your ex is probably unsure about what to do as she keeps changing her mind all the time.
I would continue chatting with her and focus only on having fun. Also, I’d become less available to her to give her some time to spend on herself.
If this doesn’t work and she keeps pushing you away, then I would do no contact and heal completely.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you so much 🙂 this article is super helpful for me.
So there are 4 attachment styles!
1) Secure
2) Anxious
3) Dismissive avoident (the one you talk about here)
4) Fearful avoident (this is the anxious & avoident combination
I would appreciate it if you could talk about the fearful avoident too. There are hundred thousands of people suffering from this.
I am a fearful avoident and my ex is avoident. I am working really hard everyday for the last 6 months with therapy, self help books, youtube, meditation and my dogs to fix this. My ex hasn’t changed a bit.
I recently got a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 & Borderline Personality Disorder (which basically is a emotional regulation disorder).
In a nutshell, I feel the highest of high, and the lowest of lows, in cycles of hours (borderline), and underneith that in larger cycles of months (bipolar). It’s a rollercoaster ride man, but I remain optimistic and try to fix it without medication.
My ex loves me, I can see it in his eyes when we see each other (same friends), he just chooses to ignore me. He is afraid of me saying things that will hurt him and he blocks and unblocks me these last couple of months (we broke up 6 months ago). I need to detach myself from him, heal my mental health, become a secure person, and hopefully one day he’ll contact me again, and my secure attachment style will be able to heal his too.
For me, it’s really important to learn how to detach from my ex. We all talk about attachment, but what about detachment? How do you detach in a healthy way? Could you do an article on that? 🙂
Hi Lucy.
Thanks for the comment.
Most articles on this blog are about healthy detachment – getting over the breakup the right way.
As for the fearful-avoidant attachment style, my intention was to explain different attachment styles in a simple, clear way without causing any confusion.
But more than anything, my goal was to differentiate an avoidant attachment style from the detachment in dumpers because some dumpees mistake their awful exes’ behavior for an avoidant attachment style.
Thank you for pointing it out. I might do another attachment article in the future.
Until then, keep working on yourself and never give up no matter how difficult it gets. Your ex, on the other hand, isn’t doing anything to better himself so feel free to use that as additional encouragement.
Kind regards,
Zan
Great article! Very helpful on trying to understand the people who create and leave a wake in our lives.
My story:
6 years together, 5 living together with her kids (19, 13) and mine visiting 1x/month (7).
Great start of relationship.
We fought about little things, but mostly me drinking 1x/month to excess. When I did we often fought and she’d threaten to leave and I’d tell her to get out (my house).
We were engaged. She stopped wearing the ring. We loved each other, but as the end neared we didn’t we weren’t intimate and the fighting became more preferably. She was always on her phone and distant. She avoided hand holding, was super awkward all the time, couldn’t really bond well with me. It was basically her kids and the dog…and me. 4-1. I felt isolated by them by her.
Last straw for her, I had some drinks early in the day, was on my way home at 6pm after grabbing dinner to go (kids were with their dad) and we fought Over the phone on my way home. I got home and she was gone. Dog too.
I didn’t hear from her for 2 days until she texted me that she got keys to her new place and needed her stuff but didn’t want to see me and wanted to talk when I was sober.
That was 7 weeks ago. She’s only texted about me abandoning her and resting her like shit and lying to her for 5 years. We have never spoken I’ve rthe phone. She won’t meet face to face. She said she didn’t want to talk because she didn’t want to rehash the same conversion we’ve had for 5 years. Now she won’t reply to any texts about us. I’ve asked her to talk to get some kind of closure and she said she didn’t need to give closure because it’s like forgiveness- you can only get forgiveness by yourself. Whatever that means.
I sent: hand written letter telling her how much guilt and now understanding why she had to leave and how it was healthy for everyone, a happy bday card and painting (something we shared) , my daughter made her a gift… not a thank you or any acknowledgment.
We’ve seen each other because she wanted to take my daughter around the mall for her bday. She acted awkward, as usual, picked at her fingers, as usual, and jabbered on about her shitty work and boss…same as usual.
She one was texted “you don’t need to change, but focus on being HEALTHY, and watch what magic happens.” Any insight on what the hell that means? I’ve been making huge changes. Her comment seemed to be a glossy version of her covering up whatever she says to herself to make herself appear better.
She does respond to my daughter (7) over text and says she “fiercely loves her.”
Yesterday I asked why she refused to talk to me and that it’s very hard not knowing where her head is at.
I’m now sober 2 months and reflecting on myself and working on finding new perspectives and self awareness and positivity.
She still avoids ME at all costs. She wants a relationship within my daughter, but I’m beginning to become reluctant to that bc she is getting what SHE wants but without anything involving me. I feel
Like she’s being rewarded and getting 100% of her needs without me attached. To me, that’s not fair because she avoids anything to do with me.
I’m being treated like a devil (my drinking and yelling and disrespect) while her ex husband #1 completely abandoned her first child (19) and her ex husband #2 was accused of rape in college and cheated on her with girls all the time while they were married.
The avoidance is unreal. I never would’ve shave thought she’d be this person. I’m kind, gentle, thoughtful, NEVER blaming, admit to my faults. Agree with the breakup as it needed to happen bc the relationship as it was was broken, and willing to talk bc it’s the adult thing to do and respectful to the relationship of 6 years and respect to each other to end what was correctly. With closure. I want to look her in the eye and NOT rehash the past, but be real about who I WAS and who I am now. Apologize to her whole heartedly and tell her that I’ll always s be here for her, but the man she knew was gone and I’m becoming a better person for what she needed to do and THANK her for helping me even though it was from the ashes of our relationship.
Any advice? How do I deal with her avoidance? Is this an avoidant person? Am I an anxious behavior person?
I started no-contact yesterday. Going to wait until she reaches out, if ever. My bday is coming in 2 weeks.
Thinking about not allowing my daughter to communicate with her either. Maybe she needs a taste of how you can “fiercely” love someone and then not respond.
Any ideas?
My ex and I have been on n off for the past 2 years. Such a hard thing to do because I immediately wanted no contact once we broke up last July but he begged me to stick around and remain friends because he saw a future with us. Just not at the moment. We are both divorced and have been for years yet his hit him harder than mine has. I always noticed distance during our relationship and he only opened up to me when he was drunk (which was often) and that’s what led me to falling in love with him. However, when he would be sober he would create more distance and still continue to act as if he were terribly afraid of commitment if things went wrong between us like he and his ex wife. I’m very anxious and when an anxious and avoidant pair up, the anxious is always left feeling hurt and empty. I’m seeking therapy during this time to deal with my childhood issues that I projected on the relationship which in turn triggered issues from his childhood/divorce. Maybe we can be together in the future but I even tho he’s afraid of losing me, he already has because he’s not willing to make that commitment with me. Only time will tell what’s to come of us.
Hi Devyn.
I hope you find therapy extremely beneficial as it could help you resolve some of those childhood issues.
As for your ex, it might all be too soon for him. He probably needs more time to process his divorce and be able to love and be loved again.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex boyfriend was an anxious type, while I used to be a secure type but due to trauma happened 2 months before meeting him I became an avoidant so our relationship went for the worst. i loved him but I couldn’t give him enough affection and I started pushing him away and put him down. He left me 8 months later, around the time I was getting over my problem, and became extremely avoidant, while I became very anxious and clingy..I’ve been pleading and begging him to take me back, explaining my mental situation was not the best during those months but that I truly loved him but he is not having any of it, he still wants to be close friends though and worries about my well being, I really wish that something changes in the long run….I feel like without the weight of my trauma we could finally be happy.
Hi Lena.
Everyone has a tipping point and so did your ex. Those 8 months were all that mattered to him, not the future.
You must always have a secure base before you enter a relationship so I hope you’ve realized that.
Hi,
Great article and very accurate. My ex girlfriend was extremely avoidant. This was caused by an abandoning mother which left her to look after her sick father; so the perfect setting to create an avoidant if you will. She was feircly independant and had lived by herself since 18 despite being in one long term relationship of 6 years. She told me she had difficulty expressing her emotions early on. She also had difficulty with PDA including just holding hands. She was uncomfortable in social situations with my friends and had few close friendships of her own. She seperated intimacy from sex and afterwards would generally leave the room when normally people prefer to cuddle afterwards. She viewed marriage as “unnessasary.” She took little interest in my interests and generally didn’t open up about her past in an emotional way. She would state facts but rarely talk about the emotional effects of these on her. Also she had a strict “Your stuff” “My stuff” approch to things. For example she would never ever share food. The breakup (me the dumpee) was extremly cold and aloof. Prior to this she had found faults and reasons to end the relationship. Some of these were absurd! 4 months after the breakup she told me she had felt smothered. Despite me only being with her 3 times a week max and not being particularly clingy. However I did expect that we should havd some level of emotional intamacy and also liked a cuddle on the couch after a long day. She was also always very defensive to any perceived slight and became very passive agressive towards the end.
My head was in a spin during all of this prior to me learning about attachment styles. But this in effect gave me closure. The trigger for her was the two of us going on a 5 day holiday together. It was too much for her and she was never quite the same after that.
I do miss her but I miss the untriggered version of her. It’s shocking to see how they switch from warm and loving at the start to cold, aloof and hurtful when their avoidance is triggered. It’s interesting but I believe if you were in a serious relationship that didn’t involve abuse or cheating you can identify a person’s attachment style by the way they detach also. Avoidants want you out of sight and out of mind. The feel relief that they can breath again. The will give vague reasons for breaking up but not describe their feelings. They will focus reasons why the relationship won’t work and will point out all your minor flaws as “evidence” you aren’t the one. They may display anger (Its the one emotion they are able to connect with) due to the built up resentment after the breakup where it almost ferls like they think you broke up with them!
My ex got into a new relationship about 2 months after the breakup. She went for a quick solution. But as she hasn’t done the healing work I don’t expect it to last. Will she contact me again? I doubt it if I am honest. Would I go back if she did? I just don’t know….
Hi Killian,
thank you for the articulate comment!
You make a lot of good points and they will come useful to many people looking for answers.
Don’t forget that avoidants are people too. They are not void of emotions which implies they are also susceptible to pain and sorrow. Because of that, she is vulnerable to grief just like any human being. You will likely hear from her when her rebound comes to an end or when she is presented with some other issue. You could also get contacted for no reason at all—out of boredom. Something tells me you will likely hear from this person again.
If she wants to lean back on her safety net – you, think twice about taking her back. She could end up using you.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for the reply…
Yes I understand that they are not void of emotions. However when triggered their go to response is to wall up and suppress those emotions so it just appears that way. When we last spoke she told me that she thinks about were it went wrong. However she also still harbours resentment whenever emotions are brought up. This is a coping mechanism which served them well in childhood when their needs were not met but unfortunately does not serve them well now., I am not so sure I will see her again as it has now been nearly 7 months and i haven’t heard a thing from her. I know that she unblocked me on the date of what would have been our one year anniversary but then re-blocked me a while later for some reason. I guess her reasons are her own. I don’t know her current relationship status but am taking steps to move on, going on dates and meeting new people but I haven’t found anyone who I really click with yet. It’s a shame as for a while we had something good. I have also done a lot of reflection on my role and understand that my own slightly (I took the test and am borderline anxious secure) anxious tendencies helped in creating the instability in the relationship. It always takes two I guess. I am now practicing mindfulness and self love in an attempt to improve my self confidence and move me into secure attachment more fully.
Hi Killian.
Self-reflection and improvement are what no contact is all about. If your relationship is ever going to work with your ex, it’s because you’ve put in the work. Now that you know how attachment styles work you will be able to better understand your future relationships.
Keep it up and don’t stop growing as a person!
Zan
Zan, Killian,
I’m in almost an identical situation. After reading a Physcology Today article together, she’s agreed she’s a dismissive avoidant. 2 1/2 years together with 3 breakups. Now the 4th breakup, we’ve been in NC for 7 weeks.
What’s the status of your relationship?
Hi Killian, I have a silmilar story with my ex, feel free to mail if you want to talk about : floga922@gmail.com
May I ask what specifically “think twice” entails (what questions should I be asking myself)? What would being used look like? Is there a way to set healthy boundaries for a relationship/friendship to continue of they come back? Thanks!
Hi Jasmine,
Some come back some don’t. Mine never did (which completely breaks my heart.) As many dismissive avoidance do, mine blames me for the relationship ending, both consciously in parts but also on a deeper more subconscious level. The last time we spoke she said “Why couldn’t she show me any affection?” She asked herself this but didn’t answer it. To them it just didn’t work out, they rarely go deep into their feelings because that requires vulnerability. However immediately after saying this she flipped to blaming me again. We spoke about children about 8 months in. I told her that I didn’t want to put any pressure on her and in no way was I saying that we must have a child but I told her that I needed to know, that if things continued going well between us, in a few years she would be open to talking about the idea. She has a rare genetic condition and she stated that she wasn’t sure she wanted to risk passing that on to another child. Her son has it and if she was to have a boy their is a 50% chance they would have it. I told her that I understood her concerns but that medical science has come a long way in dealing with these issues. I told her that these issues were so far down the line and that all I need to know was that she was open to talking about it in the future. She never really said anything at that point. I know now that she was suppressing her needs and again this lead to further resentment of me.
Anyway… the last time we spoke and she was in the midst of finding reasons why it wouldn’t have worked she said “I told you I never wanted another child and you were practically there with the test tubes ready to go!” This is the level of reality distortion I was dealing with. I replied that yes I would have valued a child with her but that I valued her just as much in I get she was unable to express her needs and this causes anger but to say that was a complete distortion. Unfortunately this triggered person is now all that is left of the woman I fell so hard for.
In hindsight a lot of the flags of non commitment were there. She balked at the thought of marriage and never talked about the future. One time we walked past a tattoo shop and I jokingly said “How about I get “L***** for ever” It was just a joke but she looked at me in horror. The thought of that must have really provoked her. This is despite being very loving and caring in the beginning but again these are seductive maneuvers used in the beginning when you are not a threat to them.
I guess I played an equal role. I was living in fantasy land. That this person was perfect and I had put her on a pedestal. That the relationship was fine and that she was committed to building a real future (which the real evidence suggested she was not.) That all her acting out and, at times emotional abusive behavior was my fault. If only I could be better or stop doing this or that she would love me more. That I had to fix the situation no matter what the cost to me. That my needs didn’t matter.
That fantasy I projected on to her and that in some part aided in her feeling smothered. I guess I believed what I wanted to believe in her. With all that said their is not a day that goes by that I do not wish we could openly talk about this stuff. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don;t regret my part in pushing her away. There isn;t a day that goes by that I don’t miss talking to her. Even through all of this there was real love on my part. Some say that as a “Love addict” “Love Avoidant” pairing I wasn’t feeling love. All I was feeling was an activated attachment system and confused anxiety for love. I guess I don’t know. We have been apart almost a year now and I still ruminate which I know isn’t healthy. I have been in one other relationship since then but it was relatively short lived (4 months.)
As to where she is or who she is with… I likely will never know… or maybe I just don;t want to because it would hurt too much..
K
Killian,
Your response resonates very deeply with me. I am going through a very similar situation as you described. Looking back, perhaps i did put her on a pedestal or lived in a fantasy of mutual connection. When she was a little tipsy she was able to express her emotions, and they were all loving and positive and indicated that I was very special to her and that she had waited years to meet someone like me. She admitted that she has a pattern of pushing people away. And that is exactly what happened. Like you, I too think about every detail every day. I over analyze everything and wish we could of talked about any of it. She never wanted to talk, and in the end mined all our happy memories for nuggets of negativity in order to rationalize what she was doing. She also took create offense at perceived slights, which left my head and heart spinning.
What freaked me out the most was the suddenness of the switch that you refer to as the avoidance trigger. In my case this always happened as we were going to bed, she would go to the bathroom as the most connected loving person and come out angry and aggressive.After the third time this happened, I asked her about it the next day, which triggered all her defenses and we never really got past that little event. Little to me at least, but apparently not to her. I guess I can’t get past all of the love she regularly displayed when she was a little tipsy (and even sober from time to time) with the fact that 4 weeks after I asked her about why she became so angry at me, she broke it off. She broke it off 2 weeks ago and I have been making NC since. It all seems so obvious to me, the fact that those feelings are in her (or at least I’d like to think they are, based on what she has told me), but she won’t or can’t let them out.
I have been receiving some therapy to understand myself and how I may have contributed to the dynamic between us and realize that I have to re-connect with myself in order to get over this. Everyone is telling me; it’s not you, it’s her. This provdes me with little comfort, as the whole thing seems like such a complete shame and waste. We’re both 50.
Thank you very much for your description of what happened to you; it has been really helpful, as has this entire message board.
-C
Hey Zan!
Great article! Is it possible my ex is somewhere in between. Because she had some anxious behaviour as Well as avoidant behaviour throughout the relationship, anyways thank you for this post. It’s Nice to learn about attachment styles.
The anxious behaviour she had was : you’re not giving me enough attention and like any female friend i had she was jealous over.
Her avoidant behaviour was i could only touch her when she felt like it and declined sex alot.. I Know that before our relationship started she had issues bonding to romantic partners. I feel a bit confused, any thoughts?
Kind regards!
T
Hey T.
I’ve read somewhere that there’s a 1% chance a person can be a combination of both anxious and avoidant. From what you’ve told me, she does seem like an avoidant. If she had issues bonding, trusting, expressing love and gratitude, then she likely is this type.
As for the anxious part, we’re all a bit insecure sometimes and ask for more than we should. She probably hasn’t done a lot of soul-searching yet, hence why she experienced and expressed insecure, jealous behavior. Perhaps that’s just her self-esteem talking?
Thanks for the comment, T!
Zan
Another great article! thanks so much for this amazing content! my ex was an avoidant especially during the end of our relationship & post break, so this is exactly on point. I find all of your articles very helpful! i’ve been in indefinite NC for a year now and have never heard from him (i gave up some time ago on this). i was forced to end it with him after receiving the slow fade, i never got an understanding of what really went wrong or any kind of real reason so no closure was given. it been hard and it’s taken a while, but these articles along the way help you get a better understanding. one day when life gives him lemons, he may actually realize i wasn’t such a bad partner after all 🙂
Hey Lulua.
Thanks for your kindness. By the time your ex has an epiphany, you might not care anymore. I hope you don’t because you deserve better—way better. Getting no closure can be really difficult as you have no choice but to find it and give it to yourself in any way you can.
You’ve done a great job by staying in indefinite no contact despite all the difficulties you’ve encountered. Keep it up and heal completely!
Zan
Thank you for your kind reply😊 will do 👊🏻🙌🏻
Hi Zan
Another great topic given to us to help us heal and a good point to remember, detachment behaviour and attachment behaviours, whilst in a relationship are different.
Im 3 months into NC and working on my anxious attachment style and using your personal growth tips to become more secure.
Keep up the good work and thanks again for your support to us.
David
Hi David.
I noticed there are a lot of confused people out there. They are so baffled with their ex’s behavior, they very often think their ex must be an avoidant. In this post, I wanted to clarify the differences between the three attachment styles and help readers determine theirs and their ex’s style.
Work hard on yourself, David!
Your kindness is very encouraging.
Zan