Many dumpees believe their ex has an avoidant attachment style mainly because of the way their ex is acting after the breakup. They forget or ignore the fact that their ex’s attachment style was visible to them throughout the relationship as well.
They just never paid much attention to it because they were caught in the moment and didn’t think it was important. But, unfortunately, it was important. Attachment styles determine how couples perceive love and give love. If they’re incompatible in this regard, they could demand attention and affection from each other that they aren’t capable of giving.
That could slowly drain their energy and make them feel that they don’t understand each other emotionally.
Fortunately, attachment styles can be changed with a lot of self-reflection as people have the capacity to detect their unhealthy tendencies and work on them. But the biggest issue I see is that most people don’t realize they even have flaws to work on. They prefer to blame their partners for angering, offending, and not understanding them. By doing so, they oftentimes lose feelings for their partners and give up on their relationships altogether.
Such people may never change. They would need something or someone to put them in a state of shock and force them to evolve or risk losing something valuable to them.
The problem with avoidants is that they avoid deep emotional connections. They don’t get close to people, which means that they seldom find emotional incentives to work on themselves. And people who don’t have emotional incentives to change seldom do.
They don’t feel the need or desperation to be with their partner as they prefer solitude and privacy in their romantic life.
So before we get into more detail and talk about whether your ex is an avoidant, let’s first make some things clear.
The reason your ex is acting avoidant (disinterested, cold, or different) has nothing to do with his or her attachment style. Your ex appears unrecognizable to you because your ex is relieved and elated. Most dumpers feel this way because they had been dying to separate from their ex and live their life freely.
The only exceptions are dumpers who have been forced to break up by parents as well as depressed dumpers. But even those people oftentimes feel relieved because they feel that their relationship was hindering their happiness and making things painful for them.
That’s why post-breakup behavior and avoidant attachment styles are two completely unrelated things.
Attachment styles are types of relationships and connections between people. They shouldn’t be confused with detachment—when your partner becomes your ex and no longer cares about you. If you think that your ex is avoidant simply because your ex is ignoring you and dating someone else the day after the breakup, that’s not necessarily an avoidant person.
It’s a person who detached from you a while ago and is treating you poorly.
In this article, we’ll look into some different types of attachment styles.
Types of attachment styles
An attachment style, whether it’s avoidant, anxious, or secure is developed in a person’s early childhood. Its type is determined by how a child was looked after and the circumstances he or she grew up under.
For example, if the baby, infant, or child grew up in a very strict, controlling, and abusive family, the child is much more likely to develop an anxious attachment style—an uncertain and fearful attachment style. That’s because he or she constantly searched for approval from parents and lacked confidence in his or her worth and abilities. An anxious person is generally a people-pleaser and will put others’ needs before his or her own.
On the other hand, if a child wasn’t loved much, was neglected, abandoned, or left alone for long periods of time, then that child is much more likely to not be used to having deep connections and may even avoid them, hence the name – avoidant attachment style. A person with this style of attachment will have a difficult time investing in a relationship and being invested in. He or she will prefer some space.
And lastly, if a child was loved and grew up in an encouraging family, then that child will likely have a secure attachment style. A secure person feels comfortable in his or her skin and tends to form healthy bonds.
These are simplified examples of anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles. A person could also have various combinations of these styles, but let’s stick to the main 3 categories for now.
Below is a chart of the three most common attachment styles and the percentages of people with each style.
As you can see from the pie chart above, the most common attachment style is the secure attachment style. About 60% of people have this style. Much less common (although still too common) are avoidant and anxious styles. These styles have about 20% of people each.
This explains why so people have trouble creating healthy relationships. It doesn’t even include all the other problems people have such as trust issues, commitment issues, fears, doubts, stressors, depression, and being hung up on an ex. With all these issues + the unhealthy attachment styles, the % of people who need to work on themselves is mindblowing.
So next time you think that you, your ex, or your partner have nothing to work on, bear in mind that 40% of people have unresolved childhood issues and that many people have problems, behavioral patterns, and shortcomings to work on.
I did too. But I had to get broken up with to realize it.
With that said, let’s now talk about the 3 attachment styles and figure out which style best suits your ex.
Anxious attachment style
If your ex has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably invested in you a lot more than you invested in him or her. Your ex did that so you would give more love and attention and make him or her feel more secure. Your approval meant a lot to your ex because your ex lacked the confidence and self-esteem necessary to be emotionally independent.
People with this attachment style tend to abandon relationships the least. That’s because they need (not just want) their partner to feel reassured and prepared to tackle whatever problem life throws at them. Sometimes they also cheat and reattach to someone else, of course, but in my opinion, that happens mainly to people who don’t love themselves and have extremely low self-esteem.
People with anxious attachment styles require constant reassurance. If for a short moment, you don’t provide your anxious partner with enough attention and love, you will likely notice your partner become afraid and worried. You’ll notice him or her calling and texting you, asking where you are, and perhaps even accusing you of infidelity (depending on your partner’s personality and maturity).
To a secure person, an anxious individual sometimes appears like a heroin junkie. The junkie needs a reassurance fix—and the secure person is his or her reassurance provider.
So if your ex has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably often complained that you weren’t giving him or her enough attention and expressed it to you in a straightforward manner.
Your ex-partner probably said things like:
- you’re not giving me enough attention
- why are you looking at that girl?
- when will you make time for me?
- you always put me last
A secure person could also say these things, but an anxious person would over-rely on you for happiness and try to make you say and do certain things to know that you care.
Here’s how insecure people with these 3 attachment styles usually are.
An ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend with an anxious attachment style could be so anxious that he or she contacts you and tries to grab your attention and validation. He or she could cry, insult you, or do anything to show how hurt and upset he or she is with your behavior or a lack of presence.
Avoidant attachment style
If you’re wondering whether your ex is an avoidant, allow me to explain how an avoidant would have behaved throughout the relationship.
An ex with an avoidant attachment style is a person who throughout the relationship doesn’t need a close emotional bond with a partner. He or she doesn’t have the same cravings as the dumpee as he or she didn’t experience healthy attachment bonds over the course of childhood.
An avoidant person has been raised to believe that deep emotional connections are meaningless and that they have to put themselves first and rely only on themselves. They don’t do this on purpose, of course. They do it subconsciously and consider it normal.
Avoidant people normally appear very strong and independent. They need quite a bit of space, so they starve their partners of love and validation and unknowingly and indeliberately make their partners chase them. Many people develop an avoidant attachment style at a very young age when they find themselves in a position to fend for themselves.
Children with one parent are much more likely to develop this style of attachment. They are self-sufficient and the polar opposite of people with an anxious attachment style.
Avoidants hold back their feelings and suppress their emotions whereas anxious people tend to be more open and expressive.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, he or she probably avoids highly emotional topics. Anything that has to do with bonding and opening up emotionally pressures your ex and makes it harder for your ex to hide emotions and be himself/herself.
Here are avoidants’ relationship values from lowest to highest.
An avoidant ex or a person with an avoidant attachment style will always appear slightly distanced. He or she does not value quality time and words of affirmation as opposed to people with an anxious style. He or she prefers love languages that are easier to express and demand less time.
If your ex had an avoidant attachment style he or she would often reject bonding and emotionally-driven conversations.
You would hear him or her say things like:
- I’m perfectly happy on my own
- I don’t need anyone around me
- please don’t touch me
- I want Sundays to myself
- I want to do my own things
- I hate it when others depend on me
Secure attachment style
The healthiest and most stable attachment style is the secure attachment style. As the name suggests, this attachment style has a secure foundation and lets couples have loving relationships. Couples with this attachment style typically don’t appear overly anxious or overly disinterested. They strike a healthy balance between wanting love and wanting time to themselves.
So if your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend had a secure attachment style, he or she probably appeared completely “normal” throughout the relationship. This means he or she bonded emotionally and expressed his or her needs in a healthy manner.
Romantic partners with secure attachment styles don’t run after their partners and seek validation. They don’t feel the need to obtain recognition and acceptance at all. Instead, they do things that make them internally happy. Things such as spending time with friends and focusing on their careers and hobbies.
It goes without saying that when a secure person is happy outside of a relationship, he or she brings joy into his or her romantic relationship as well. That’s because he or she has something valuable to share with the other person.
To be secure doesn’t mean that you can’t feel insecure at times. Everyone is capable of feeling threatened in one way or another – even avoidants. Some people aren’t very mindful of their partner, so they trigger their partner’s insecurities. That doesn’t mean they’re insecure but that their partners don’t care about their feelings.
That’s why the only thing that the secure attachment style means is that you don’t act irrationally, react impulsively, and ruin relationships because of your insecurities.
Will your avoidant ex come back?
Although people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to come back than avoidants – thanks to their deep-rooted insecurities, avoidants sometimes come back as well.
They come back mainly because they experience difficulties connecting with people. When they realize that the problem isn’t with their ex but with them, they become regretful and nostalgic and come running back at lightning speed.
But to become regretful and nostalgic, they need to consider their ex as their best dating option. That’s how they can grow their respect for their ex and perhaps even start working on their unhealthy tendencies.
So if you’re wondering if your avoidant ex will come back, this really depends on how your ex thinks of you and whether your ex is capable and willing to improve his or her perception of you. If your ex wants to grow as a person and hates the idea of leaving you behind, you can be certain that your ex will come back for you.
Your ex will do that because of pain and anxiety.
But if your ex refuses to do the work and blames you for his or her lack of happiness in the relationship, then your ex will probably move on to someone else and continue to face the same issues with that person.
Your ex will probably have to find another avoidant person or a mature secure person who will tolerate his or her inconsistencies.
How to get back with an avoidant ex-partner?
Getting back with a secure person is difficult enough. But when you want to get back with an avoidant ex, let’s just say that you’re going to scare him or her off and get even more hurt. You just won’t be able to show someone who doesn’t want to be loved that you love him or her and want to make things work.
All you can do is give your avoidant ex space and “hope” that your ex reflects and discovers his/her flaws and avoidance issues.
If you’ve read everything up to this point and your ex fits the description of an avoidant, here’s my advice on how to make your avoidant miss you and get back together.
- Cut your ex off for good
- Apply the strictest no contact rule there is – the indefinite no contact rule
- Avoid making breakup mistakes
- Wait for the avoidant to experience difficulties with someone else
- Allow him or her to contact you and chase you (exes don’t want to be chased – especially avoidants)
And that’s it. There are no tricks and gimmicks to winning back the heart of an avoidant.
You just need to be patient, focus on moving on, and let enough time pass for an avoidant ex-partner to learn some valuable life lessons and realize your worth.
Is your ex an avoidant or does he or she show avoidant tendencies? Comment below and let me know.
And if you wish to talk about whether your ex is an avoidant with us and devise a post-breakup plan, reach out to us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
What is a break up mistake? point three in “advice on how to make your avoidant miss you and get back together”.
My ex and I agreed to take a break, but he still contacted me and I still contacted him. So I would say, that we were even regarding breaking no contact rule?
Hi Helene.
A breakup mistake is anything that asks for attention from your ex and makes your ex feel uncomfortable. You should know that “breaks” are breakups and that the probability of him realizing he wants to be with you is small.
Best,
Zan
Can attachment styles change during the relationship? When I started with my ex she was kind of anxious as she was chasing me until I finally started to date her. On the other hand I was totally secure. However because she was afraid that I would dump her like her exes dumped did, she started to behave like an avoidant and I became insecure, I would say even anxious most of the time. I tried to show how much I loved her to make her feel secure and that I wasn’t going to do like her exes. She finally dumped me and felt that I was chasing her.
So, I guess attachment styles can change during the relationship depending on how your partner behaves and the dynamics.
Yes, they can, Carlos.
Attachment styles can change if people want them to. But they must work hard on them. I don’t think you have an anxious attachment style, but that her behavior made you anxious. This is a completely different thing as it’d be hard not to care about someone when her behavior is avoidant, unhealthy, and strange.
Sincerely,
Zan
I am shocked this stuff is not taught in school so we could have half a chance at finding a compatible partner.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 17 years with 8 of those married and living together.
She was 100% an avoidant dismissive person and I only learnt about attachment types a couple days ago due to us maintaining what I thought was a very close friendship for the past 9 years after her divorce and then she met someone and that was it, I was eliminated from her life with 1 day notice. I live over the other side of the country but it still hit me pretty hard due to our 25 years in our lives and I valued her opinion. Totally understood the need to no longer be in her life but she had been seeing him for a year and then gave me 1 day notice.
Anyway she had an awful childhood where her mum would get drunk all the time and she would have to manage her and her little sister. To finally find out why she hated giving and receiving affection, why when I got very sick she just left me to fend for myself for 2 weeks and would tip toe past the door so she did not have to check on me.
Heavy dislike of any emotional talk, manipulation, never taking accountability and it goes on.
In saying all that she is a great woman that I still admire. I would say that when we started seeing each other I was definitely in a secure mindset and then when we moved in I definitely towards half way started to need her approval so she totally changed me in that respect.
She ended up breaking up with me while I was overseas on a 5 week business trip and then never really explained what the reason was. To read the most likely reason is the fact she thought I would abandon her so she got in first blows my mind as it is illogical.
This knowledge makes me feel better in one way that I know now. It makes me feel sad in another way in that it seems she does not view me with the same level of importance. Something that always confused me was her recolection of share history, I could never reconcile it and was reading the way someone like this recoalls memories is actually significantly different & so they do not place as much importance on shared history over a expansive time period.
That also makes me sad.
Hi Adam.
What you need to understand is that it wasn’t your fault she didn’t give you the attention you deserved. It was her attachment style that prevented her from wanting to give and receive love. So use this knowledge to avoid self-blame. This person needed to address her childhood issues. But instead of doing that, she stayed on autopilot and starved you emotionally.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I have been in a relationship with a DA for a little over 2 years. I know she is a DA because we were casual for almost half a year, before I eventually confronted her that this in between state doesn’t work anymore for me and she had to make a choice between either being in a comited relationship or ending what we had, after 2 weeks she confesed that she loves me and chose for the relationship. I myself am DA as well (although not as extreme) and our relationship went very well because we both got all the space and closeness that we wanted from eachother.
A little over a year in our relationship she got pregnant and after some discussing we went for an abortion. She does have a history of depression and a few months after the abortion she started showing signs of getting mentally instable. The relationship went downhill fast and arguments became a regular thing.
Eventually on the 1 year annivarsary of the abortion she ended the relationship. She said she didn’t see a future with me anymore but still wanted to be friends as she does still really like me – her words. I begged for it not to end in the weeks after but eventually said I didn’t want to be friends and went into no contact. I saw her a few times when going to events we had planned when we were still together, we agreed to still do those as to not ditch our mutual friends.
After all these events were over and there was no more reason to see eachother the no contact more or less evolved into indefinate no contact. A few weeks back, about 3 months after the break up she started texting me after not hearing from her for about a month. She was in a quarantaine and just texted random things she thinks might interest me. Eventually when the quarantaine ended she asked if it’s ok if she also came to an event she knew I was going to be at. I more or less avoided her at that event, but talking was unavoidable. She looked like she was about to explode from stress and insecurity. I offered her a hug which she took without hesitation. After that she started following me around, tried to join conversations I was having with people etc. When the event was over she left almost immidiatly and came to gave me a hug and say goodbye.
It seems like she might be at the point of wanting to reconnect, I’m just afraid it might just be to become friends and not as lovers. I’m not sure how to progress further from this point, I’m still doing no contact untill she contacts me again, maybe because of my own DA style. How can I find out what her intentions are without pushing her away and what would be the best way to move foreward?
I’d love to hear what you have to say about my situation and how to move foreward. Thanks for all the great articles you have put out and have a nice day.
Kind regards
T.
Hi T.
If she wants to be with you, she has to express that to you. DA or not, she has to take the initiative here because she was the one who rejected you. It’s hard to say what she wants at this moment, but you can’t agree to friendship. If she wants you back, she’ll tell you that very soon! Also, if she reaches out, don’t be afraid to ask her why she did it.
Her intentions will reveal themselves to you sooner than later. You just need to wait a week or so.
Best regards,
Zan
I dated a Dismissive Avoidant for 4 years. I loved him and I think he loved me the best he could.
He’d say things like:
He hated people
He hated restaurants–because of people
He hated mingling….
literally anything to do with people he hated…I initially thought he was just an introvert, but it was beyond introversion.
He even told me that he had no empathy…and only cared about what happens to me or his mother…which might also be something beyond just being a DA honestly…
oh and he didn’t have any friends…I was his one and only friend.
But every time he’d break up with me or push me away…I’d just ignore him and do my own thing. He’d be back a couple of months later lol
He was like a big old grandpa cat trapped in a 30 year old’s body and I understood his routine and his need for space, so we bonded really well.
I thought he was Emotionally Unavailable and because I loved him I was also emotional unavailable…but I soon realized we were both avoidants (I’m an FA) and I liked the space in our relationship…to a point.
Eventually we had to have a real break up because he realized he didn’t want to be a husband or a father and I wanted a family…and realized he was the happiest reading books in his cabin in the woods alone…still sad about that…but it’s probably for the best.
I would say this though…IF you suspect the person you’re involved with is a DA it’s not worth it. I loved my DA to pieces, but there was a lot of emotional trauma it caused me and by the time our relationship was considered “good” I had a lot of trust issues with him from the constant rejection. I spent a lot of time crying over him and asking myself “why not me?” when he was the issue the entire time.
Hi Sarah.
A person who keeps leaving over and over again eventually leaves for good. He sees that you’ll always take him back, loses interest, and starts fancying other things or people. DA relationships are complicated and need a lot of work, Sarah. People need to change or improve their attachment styles as well as priorities in life. They need to do it for the sake of the relationship.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am finding it difficult to find out what is my or my ex partner’s attachment style. I believe I am the avoidant (fearful avoidant, I am anxious and avoidant at the same time I believe), and he’s the anxious one since he broke up with me because I was not showing him love enough, but I do love him still.
I am being confused because I read all over the internet that the avoidant is the one who dumps the anxious, and not the way around. So, am I wrong ? and I am the anxious and he’s the avoidant ?
Thank you for the article. I am rereading it to better understand my situation, but still confused.
Hi N.
An anxious guy can also dump an avoidant. This is because he doesn’t get what he needs to feel secure, so he often finds someone else to monkey-branch to.
It doesn’t matter what attachment style your ex has. If he left, he wasn’t as happy as he wanted to be.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan!
My ex is definitely avoidant. We have been dating for 5 years & he broke up with my 4 weeks ago because of space issues & some personal issues he is dealing with. I definitely have an anxious attachment style which can at times come across as too much. I have read tons of articles on the internet talking about how “no contact” and space really helps/works along with time. I am someone who is not patient & my ex is stubborn as well. I am hoping if I can give space & give him time & work on myself at the same time, he may end up missing me and come around.
Hi Amy.
If your ex is an avoidant, space is something he badly needs. He needs it not just to function properly, but also to respect you as a person. You may have an anxious attachment style, Amy, but you have to be strong now and exude confidence and high self-esteem. You have to work on improving yourself and becoming more secure. It’s very important that you learn and improve as much as you can from the breakup—and encourage your ex to do the same if he comes back.
Sincerely,
Zan
No contact is the answer. Always, and with avoidants more than ever.
Even if you had a really strong bond? Yup.
Even if you were the only person they opened to? Yup.
Even if they were not avoidant with you? Yup.
Even if you never chased them and they left you with no clear explanation? Yup.
Go no contact, guys. You start getting some fresh air and you show your ex that if he/she wants you, has to pursue you. Stop taking steps instead of them like you know better what they want and what’s good for their life… go live yours!
It’s so unfair we feel like we need to stand up for them while they’re just feeling relieved bc we’re not around. Give them time and space to regret.
Thanks Zan for reminding the importance of self-love to people who are suffering badly. There are so many ppl out there taking advantage of broken hearts. I suggest your website to anyone who is struggling with breakups. Your job is great!
Hi Rebecca.
No contact is indeed the answer. It exists to heal from heartache.
I created this website to dissuade dumpees from reaching out to their exes and getting hurt. I intend to keep it that way.
Thank you for sharing the blog with other dumpees, Rebecca. I appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow, I’m going through a breakup after a few days and your story is exactly like mine. I am you and my ex is your ex. Except we decided to stay friends and friendly because we ought to try it out as we have never done that with an ex before. The breakup was her doing but we ended it well. I’m just trying to hold it together and give her space. I’m very much more optimistic and open about my feelings than she is. This article about avoidant attachment explains her very well and she even told me she’s avoidant… makes sense for a doctor profession.
Hi Michael.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, she needs a lot of time to herself. She needs to realize she’s having difficulty expressing her emotions and must begin to work on her issues – preferably with a professional.
Thanks for the comment.
Zan
Avoidants can start to see their partner as the enemy. Innately they understand love to be dangerous, so they can slightly hate themselves for desiring it, but once they fully receive it they also start to have conflicting feelings for and hate elements of the person providing that love – because it starts to make them feel dependent themselves, and this is a dangerous feeling.
They resent people for being important to them. They then need to punish both themselves and the source for this feeling. Ultimately avoidants do crave more intimacy, but they will still punish and push away someone who provides it.
Hello Zan!
So my ex is definitely dismissive avoidant I have done the research and it has been confirmed by a professional. I read recently this week that they are very unlikely to initiate first with you. Thoughts on this?
-Melissa!
Hi Zan!
Absolutely fantastic article, thank You very much! I have been reading it many times and it may explain a lot of the relationship problems with my dumper ex (she).
I’m quite certain that i lean on heavily in to avoidant style, although there’s some parts which may point more to secure attachment style. Anyway the avoidant style is the defining one, certainly.
About my i’m not exactly sure. She seems to be 100% anxious, but what comes to opening emotionally and talking about bonding, or actually anything concerning commitment and plans for the future of our relationship we’re big NO-NO. Also the emotional bond didn’t seem so important to Her, only that i would be available and willing to be there for Her.
So it looks like she was more likely anxious, very insecure and dependent, but with grain of avoidant style too. I actually can’t quite crasp this one, She was that much mystery to me.
This makes me feel that breakup was unavoidable right from the start and there’s nothing i could ever have done to make relationship to last, no matter how much i loved, cared and provided for Her.
Sounds like an FA. Your perspective certainly didn’t help things to last, though…
What do you mean by that? I found his response confusing.
Thank you so much for this article. I wish I knew about the no-contact rule earlier, since I have only made things worse after she suddenly shut me down after things got too intense too fast.
My story: I met this woman (27) in March and we have dated for 2 months. Not long at all, I know, but it was very intense. I actually never have felt this way about another person, definitely not in such an early stage. I was convinced that she felt the same about me, we would talk every day from morning until evening over voice memos, (we live long distance) she was very interested in getting to know me and what kind of things I would want to do with my future partner. She was definitely seeing if I would match up the profile that she has in mind. She told me it felt like I was her soulmate and we spoke about going away together and kind of silly talking /dreaming about what our future would look like. She told me she was really ready to settle and looking for the one. She had a high list of demands for her partner but I was ticking all the boxes. I had recently broken up from a relationship so wasn’t that interested, but she eventually got me to fall hard.
Then after a weekend at my place I made the mistake of telling her I’m falling for her after a few glasses of wine. She said she couldn’t say it back (yet), but told me I should always be open and tell her how I feel. She is a psychologist btw. I actually also had to share a horror story about an STD which was a present of my ex. Up til recently I blamed that for her escape. We still had a romantic night but the morning after everything changed. She zoned out and I felt something was up. I tried talking to her but she said all is ok.
A few days later she broke up with me saying Me telling her that I am falling for her made her think about things and she came to the conclusion that she would never feel the same about me.
I was left feeling so hurt and confused, and It came to a shock, since that same night she was still feeding me with words that I was the perfect woman for her, and that she hasn’t felt this way in a long time. First I tried to play it cool, saying its all good… but then texted a few times and where she first was still daily checking my insta feed, she stopped and didn’t respond to my messages. It killed me.
It’s been 6 weeks now, and I do feel I’m starting to get over her, but still something inside me says our story shouldn’t of ended there. Something must be up with why she turned a sudden 180 on me, that’s what I want to believe. Then I remembered her joking about having a terrible habit of being done with lovers instantly. She prioritised her social life over her ex partners and wouldn’t change that. But she was ready now, that’s what she kept saying. She even once mentioned, don’t worry i do not have anything like commitment issues. Which is ironic since she is a psychologist so she knows this theory well.
Then after finding the psychological theory the other day, I can’t help myself to read it all and see if there is a reason to blame this all on. And I guess I’m trying to figure out why I can’t let this one go. I like to think I am a good judge of character and I don’t catch feelings normally that fast.
Never ever did it cross my mind she could have commitment phobia, but now it just clicked. Her intens story about her home situation as a child, her constant failed past relationships and warning she can be suddenly done with people is exactly what I am reading about the avoiding attachment.
I really hope someone is willing to read my story and share their opinion if I am right about this theory; or am I wrong and doesn’t it add up all? Maybe I am wrong and she didn’t like me as much as I thought. Maybe someone recognises this behaviour? If she does have it I am convinced that she is in denial about it.
Conclusion is, she never reached out to me in the past 6 weeks. My last goodbye message to her was 2 weeks ago explaining I need to delete her from my Instagram because as time past, I figured out that I am unable to let go of her and that I’ve met someone else and don’t find it fair to him. I told her no response is needed and this is my closure. I am dating someone now, but nothing serious. Don’t think my head is nowhere near that yet.
I just wish I would of gotten my closure because lack of closure is a living hell, especially when you felt head over heels for someone.
I won’t be contacting her ever again, but always will hope for her to reach out to me.
-x- Katie
Hi Zan,
As I read your article again, I do see you state the behaviour should of been noticed during the dating period, and not afterwards. But other websites stated that the “running away” when things get too intens is very likely. I also read that the avoidant type is likely to say all those kind things in their “enthusiasm” and believe what they are saying at that stage. Than they get a clear moment and the panic button switches on. This is where they run, switch off their emotions and where you are left with the broken heart.
I’m really curious about your opinion on this one. As it is an old article, I will check in later to see if you have responded.
Thanks in advance.
-Katie-
Hi Katie.
As you likely know, most dumpers appear avoidant. But those who are truly avoidant by nature display avoidant characteristics throughout the relationship. They refuse to bond and get intimate, and talk about relationship goals because they are living in constant fear and doubt.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks for replying.
Yes definitely know that, been there. I still believe that she did have some of the characteristics while dating. We never actually talked about her feelings. And she went from 100 to a 0 after me sharing my feelings. Would you by any chance know if I could find out if she could be one. Perhaps a test where you get scored?
Thanks again.
-Katie-