Have you ever wondered if it’s wrong to talk to your ex while you’re in a relationship with another person?
If you have and you’re still curious, I can tell you that it’s often very wrong.
Talking to an ex when you’re with someone else is very disrespectful. Your behavior shows that you’re holding on to the past when you should be moving forward and making plans with the person you love.
It’s especially disrespectful if you’re talking to an ex behind your partner’s back. In that case, you’re not just talking to an ex. You’re also being dishonest.
You may be thinking that your partner doesn’t have to know about your secret conversations with your ex because the people you talk to are strictly your business.
But that’s just not true.
You’ve entrusted your better half with the details of your life—and this includes the people you talk to.
Besides, you wouldn’t want your partner to talk to his or her ex and mess with the stability of your relationship.
Something tells me you like assurance, respect, and the best for yourself and your partner.
So just don’t do it.
Don’t attempt to withhold information from your partner just so he or she doesn’t “cause a scene.”
Deliberately not telling your partner that you’ve talked to your ex is not just a little white lie (something you do to avoid hurting your partner).
It’s a sly slap to the face.
Conversely, if you decide to tell your partner that you’ve spoken to your ex and he or she overreacts because of it, your partner is clearly upset about it.
Don’t take his or her negative reaction as an insult and think that your partner doesn’t trust you.
Your partner is probably just hurt that you’re focusing on the wrong person – the person you used to be intimate with.
So if you’re talking to your ex and you’re wondering, “Is it okay to talk to an ex while you’re in a relationship,” today is your “lucky day.”
This article will bring you some clarity.
Is it wrong to talk to your ex while you’re in a relationship?
It’s wrong to talk to your ex because you and your ex felt attracted to each other in the past.
You shared some good, private moments together and romantically liked each other.
In a way, you completed each other for quite some time.
And that’s exactly what makes talking to an ex so dangerous.
Due to familiarity (inside jokes, nicknames, speaking styles, hobbies and interests), you’re now at risk for falling for each other again.
It happened before and it can certainly happen again—even if you’re with someone else.
Here’s a picture depicting why it’s wrong to talk to your ex while you’re dating someone new.
As long as you’re on good, flirtatious terms, you as a dumper have a safety net to fall back onto in case your new relationship doesn’t live up to your expectations.
And if you’re the dumpee and it hasn’t even been a year since your ex left you, you’re most likely not over your ex anyway. You’re still hurting over your loss, so you technically shouldn’t even be dating.
You should be taking care of your emotional well-being and working on rebuilding your self-esteem without the help of another person.
I know there are some people who will advise you to get under someone to get over an ex. But those people don’t take into consideration that this quick fix will likely make you rebound.
And if it doesn’t make you rebound, you’ll probably just end up in a relationship with a person you feel nothing toward.
The new relationship will give you a false sense of security (if that’s what you’re after). But it will also make you skip the self-improvement phase and force you to reminisce about the kind of closeness you felt with your ex-partner.
When is it okay to talk to an ex?
It’s okay to talk to your ex only when the following three conditions are met:
- You no longer possess feelings for your ex.
- Your ex no longer possesses feelings for you.
- Your partner knows that you’re talking to your ex and is okay with it.
It’s absolutely necessary that the three conditions are met before you talk to your ex. If they aren’t, at least one of three people involved will get hurt or disappointed.
First of all, if you’re talking to your ex when you’re still in love with him or her, you’re misleading your partner. You’re not telling him or her that you’ll monkey-branch if an opportunity to be with your ex presents itself.
Secondly, if your ex loves you and you don’t love your ex, “pointless” conversations with your ex are hurting your ex. They’re prolonging your ex’s post-breakup recovery every time you give your ex false hope.
Thirdly, if your partner is unaware of your conversations with your ex and/or doesn’t approve of them, you’re betraying your partner’s trust. You’re not respecting your partner’s love, trust, and loyalty—and you certainly don’t deserve any in return.
So before you talk to your ex with or without your ex’s consent, think about whether it causes damage to you, your ex, or your partner.
Chances are that it hasn’t been 8 months (the time it usually takes to get over a breakup) and that someone isn’t ready to talk on friendly terms yet.
Be very considerate of people’s feelings. It’s the least they deserve.
What if you have kids with your ex?
Talking to your ex is also okay when the subject of the conversation is not about you or your ex alone.
If it’s about your children, mortgage, loans, divorce, property, or anything that requires communication to get finalized, it’s perfectly fine to talk about it.
Just make sure that your intentions are selfless and that you talk to your ex strictly about that.
Don’t talk about matters that don’t concern your ex. Don’t talk about things that concern your ex and don’t concern you either.
You’re not being selfless and considerate that way. It’s quite the opposite. You’re being selfish and inconsiderate of your ex’s feelings.
So before you thoughtlessly reach out to your ex and cause difficulties for everyone involved, ask yourself the following questions:
- Are my intentions selfless?
- Is it necessary for me to contact my ex?
- Will my initiation cause harm to anyone?
If you determine that you urgently need to contact your ex, don’t contact your ex just yet.
Talk to your partner first.
Tell him or her that you’re going to reach out to your ex for such and such reasons and that you’d like him or her to understand.
Talking to an ex creates trust issues
From what I see, people aren’t very happy when someone brings an ex from the past into the picture and talks about him or her.
They tend to become unhappy, envious, or jealous when someone only mentions the name of their partner’s ex.
It raises their hairs, ignites their insecurities, and creates trust issues and conflicts that couples certainly don’t need in their lives.
So why go through the trouble of reviving an old relationship when there are many more suitable friendships for you out there?
You know that your current and future friends will bring about less anxiety, uncertainty, and harm than your ex-partner will.
Heck, they’ll probably help your new relationship blossom and give you healthy relationship advice whenever you need it.
Yet, you seem to wonder whether you should stay friends with your ex and befriend him or her once more.
Dear reader, think about your current partner.
He or she has probably had his or her fair share of betrayals and will probably be suspicious and apprehensive about a possible backstab.
So much so that your partner will likely stay on the lookout for signs of infidelity and might even distance himself or herself from you just to stay on the safe side.
This is bound to happen if you’ve had a conversation with your partner about talking to your ex and you didn’t do anything about it.
It’s wrong to talk to your ex when your partner doesn’t know, disapproves, and hates it
When you agreed to become exclusive to your partner, you signed a verbal contract with him or her.
You essentially agreed to the terms and conditions of the relationship which consisted of:
- honesty
- loyalty
- transparency
- respect
- love
- care
- contribution
Now, it’s possible that you didn’t discuss the terms of your relationship with your partner because you didn’t think they were necessary.
Maybe you forgot about them or skipped them just the way you usually skip websites and software terms and conditions.
I don’t know what happened and I don’t really need to know.
The truth is that romantic relationships are self-explanatory. They presume that you know what you’re getting yourself into and that you have the tools to manage them.
If you don’t know how to manage them or you just don’t care, you shouldn’t be dating another person.
You haven’t grown up yet.
You need to engage in some introspection first and read a few good relationship books to expand your knowledge.
Exes who talk to each other as friends are over each other
There are many dumpees and dumpers who talk to each other on a daily basis and get along fairly well.
Some even hang out frequently and support each other’s new relationships.
Such ex-partners tend to be extremely mature individuals who are fully or mainly over each other.
Not only that. They also respect each other’s differences and genuinely want the best for each other.
They’re true friends. The kind of friends that they were before they committed to each other.
Exes who stay friends also tend to have amicable breakups. They don’t hate or belittle each other.
They just go separate ways and spend some time away from each other until they get used to living independently.
And that’s something I’d like you to think about for a minute.
If you feel pulled toward your ex or you think that your ex needs more time, wait a while longer before you attempt to reconnect as a friend.
Give it a year or two if your breakup is fresh, ask your partner if he or she is okay with it, and with your partner’s approval—reach out to your ex.
Be honest about your intentions and tell your ex that you wish to rekindle your friendship.
If your ex wants the same, he or she will accept your friendship and maybe even meet up with you when the time is right.
But if your ex doesn’t want to pursue friendship, tell your ex that you respect his or her decision and continue to enjoy your relationship with your partner.
He or she deserves most of your attention anyway.
Is it wrong to talk to your ex while you’re in a relationship? Have you ever spoken to an ex behind your partner’s back? Leave a comment because I’d like to hear your experience/opinion.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I’ve been going through this since my partner and I got together 3 years ago his ex still messages him sticking her nose in our relationship and will not leave us alone!!
Hi Sassy princess.
If talking to your partner about it doesn’t work, ask his friends/family to tell him why talking to an ex while you’re in a relationship is wrong. Perhaps he’ll listen to someone with power and influence.
Kind regards,
Zan
Recently experienced this. My boyfriend of a year wanting to remain friends with his ex, but he never talked to me about it or her, kept this person hidden and I found out when stumbling onto some texts. He says they were friends first before becoming sexual. He and I have dated over a year with a two month break up around month 10 month. He says he broke off communication the first part of our relationship but when we broke up reconnected and they restart sex during our break up. Now that we are back together, he didnt know how to tell me he wanted to turn they romantic relationship back to a friendship if I would agree. He never told me about her so when I found the texts of them playful sexually flirting made me literally sick to my stomach and still does when I think about it. After 2 months together since I found the text and him promising to break all ties, I saw he called her after 2 months and I have no proof she reached out to initiate. He gave me explanation that she reached out first and he wanted to make sure she wouldn’t show up at his door because her questions to him were odd. I felt betrayed all over again and he promises this time he will include me on any decisions to reply, that he didn’t becAuse he didn’t want to upset me, I believe him but feel if I get betrayed again that it’s not going to go well. I really hope he gets it because when you keep hurting a person over and over the reaction is going to be worst ever time.
I forgot to add that I sent him this article to read, I’m hoping the words really help him to understand what he did and why to stop.
Hi Nail on Head.
This person is taking you for a fool. Firstly, he has no idea how he’s making you feel. And secondly, he’s technically cheating on you. Flirting with another person counts as cheating, so listen to what I’m about to say and take my advice seriously.
I strongly encourage you to leave this person before things get even uglier. He’s opportunistic and has a tendency to cheat, meaning that he’s not going to change any time soon. He might stop flirting with his ex, but unless he swears an oath to improve himself significantly, he’s not going to change much any time soon.
You have a big decision to make. I hope that you respect yourself and do what’s best for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi
I was in a relationship for two and a half years with a guy. I wasn’t really happy with him during those years. I used to communicate all my problems but he didn’t really pay attention. He wouldn’t have time for me .so finally after gathering courage , I broke up woth him. At first he didn’t even try to get back with me. He was okay with the break up. So I planned on moving on from him. In three months , I started dating a guy . The new guy was just what I wanted in life. Over those three months I was still in touch with my ex. Right when he got to know about my new relationship was when he started begging me to come back into my life. That’s when he realised what he had done. Early on, things got serious between my new partner and I. He asked me to not be in touch with my ex . It took me months to do this but I finally did. Even after me teling my ex that I couldn’t be in touch with him ,he still kept calling . I had to finally block him. I’m in a happy relationship right now but my ex still keeps calling me from different numbers sometimes . My ex is a loner and doesn’t have anybody who cares for him. But I really love my new partner now. Is it right for me to not be in touch with my ex?
I just broke up with the mother of my children. When our relationship just started she had an ex that she said that she hangs out with and he is part of a group of mutual friends. I told her that I was not comfortable with the one on ones but group events are cool. Soon after they had their yearly Christmas party and he was the one that usually picked her up to go. I was a little uncomfortable with it mainly because I did not have a vehicle at the time. He was her best friend’s cousin and the party was at their family’s home and business so she spent the night. She called me the next day and told me that he kissed her on the forehead while she was sleeping. I was really mad because she assured me that there were no feelings between the both of them. I told her that he is no longer allowed to pick her up or be alone with him in any form or fashion. She ignored me and still spent time with him when I was not around or unable to be in her company. We fought about him a lot. I found out that he was still in love with her and he even picked her up when she was pregnant with our first son. That fighting led to me not having respect for her because she did not respect my feelings and was often inconsiderate in other aspects of the relationship. A couple of months after our son was born I had to confess that I kissed a coworker on a company trip. I was never really a ladies man until I was like 18 and honestly felt the pressure of having female stories that all my guy friends had. I felt horrible after it happened and it bothered me a lot. Despite our fighting I loved her and she loved me. I let the person know it was a mistake and I distanced myself from her. I never liked the player vibes. I apologized to my girlfriend and told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and I did not want to go on with that on my heart. I felt like I betrayed her. I honestly felt like I did not deserve to be forgiven because she trusted me. She confesses to me that the ex that we have been fighting about did not kiss her on the forehead but she made out with him in his car. I was furious not because she made out with him but because she continued to see him and talk to and all the fights she put us through when she could have just nipped it in the bud. She even spoke to him about the problems we were facing and he often offered to take her away from me. Our fighting got even worse. I had no patience with her. I bearly wanted to talk to her. The problem plagued me until I forced it out of her that she still loved him. I was devastated. I still did not want to give up because we had a family to think about. Side note he openly said to her that the reason why he cannot be with her is because she prefers male friends and he gets really jealous. She told me there was a time where she stopped to speak to a male friend and he got in a car and left her there. Also he got a new girlfriend and ended the friendship because his girlfriend wanted him to. How do I know all this? She tells me causally because she thinks that telling me makes it ok. There were other problems that plagued the relationship and I was at my wits end. I was doing a small vocational class and at this point and 2 children I was done with the relationship in my mind. I just wanted to get her employed and stable so I could leave. I started talking to someone in the class I was in who was in a bad relationship also and we clung together. But we were just two hurt persons looking for comfort. I was talking to my friend about how I felt on facebook and she saw the conversation. We fought and she demanded that I pack my things and leave. I left feeling like I have failed my sons but also feeling free from her. My younger son was not well at six months and it just made things worse. We fought a lot after we broke up she was hurt that I did not want to come back to her. After some time we got better. We fought less and I was seeing a change in her for the better. I saw it fit to leave her alone because she was better without me. I knew she still wanted me back. One day I was helping her with something and we started talking about us. Apparently she wanted to know how much I moved on. I thought enough time had passed and I could tell her without her getting upset. I tried relationships with two persons in the 5 years we broke up. She had 5 men in the first 2 years and stopped because she realized she was just using them to try and get over me. She apologized for how things happened and admitted that she was not fair to me. We ended up thaving sex and I was shook. I wanted us to get back together but I was not sure if it was the right thing to do. We started having sex regularly but we were on the fence about being together beacue she started going to church and I wanted no part of it. After much back and forth we decided to try again. I was determined to make it work. But we still had some demons both from our relationship in the past and from personal trauma that haunted us. Fast forward she told me that a guy she had a one night stand with wanted to hang out with her as a fitness buddy. I told her I was not comfortable with that even though we were still rocky about our relationship status. One day we were out and I was helping her run some errands. I wanted to use her phone to get some info and she was really jumpy about it. I got mad because it was to help her. She did not want me to see that she was messaging the guy while I was taking time out of my vacation to help her sort out a mess she got herself in. I honestly had no problem with them being friends but let him know that you would talk to him another time. We had a fight about it. I told her that he is a guy you had sex with before his your friend. He needs to back all the way off. Some time after she admitted that she went to see a movie with him. I was furious. I told her that they can no longer be friends. He even asked her if I would be ok with the two of them going out alone and she still did it. The whole feeling came back up again. She accused me of being jealous, controlling and I did not want her to have male friends. Eventually she just gave up the argument so that we would stop fighting. She started talking to him again and was even going to go to some workout group he was hosting. Again making me out as I if I do not want her to have no male friends. I just have boundaries with respect to exes, sexes and guys who are/were interested in her. On top of that a lot of the things we used to fight about came back. I am wondering if I just should have let it go. I don’t want to lose her but I know I cannot deal with her mentality.
I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 months (yes fiancé at 3 months) he’s been telling me he talks to a couple exes. One he has a kid with that he barely talks to which I understand and have no issue with. But the other is some women he had a relationship with long time ago and he says they “barely talk”. He says they have a very good friendship and doesn’t want to block her, so I’ve been very insecure lately and been extremely jealous
Hi
I came across this article looking for some advice or words of healing .
And i must say i found it very helpful.
I am in a current situation , i was alone for almost 8 years after a bad break up of 25 years .
After a little dating i met someone that i thought was right .
She told me she was married at the start and that lived with her husband and grown kids but that there was nothing going on.
At first i was ok with it .thinking well they are apart if this works out maybe she will divorce one day
I kept on with the relationship and quickly introduced her to my ex, my family and friends
It toke her a very long time to introduce me to her small family and i have meet all but her husband.
She has not moved anything from. Her home , and he textes her every day how he loves and misses her and she calls him behind my back.we fight alot especially everytime she says she is going to that house to vist her daughter but he is also there and i am not allowed to visit.
She tells me i will meet him in time not yet .
We are on one year and almost 6 months and nothing.
She calls him behind my back, and she deletes the textes he sents , some i get a glimpse of
I have told her i am not happy with this situation but she says he is my friend and thats the way he is. And that she is not going to stop.
When i tell her to leave me she gets violent and has a rage.
With this pandemic we was all on lock up so she did not see him for 4 months .
When july 4th came she made a huge fight with me to go there and left me stranded alone.. told me to call a a friend and find something to do.
I was left confused and broken hearted .
I went to see my sister and poured my heart out.that night she never came home she claimed that she was having fun with her daughter and she was checking her mail that she would see me the next day ..meanwhile i had fallen asleep waitung for her so i dis not see her text .. all along i found out later on that she was texting a friend and telling her all that happened but the victim version , then she said she had to sleep in the same bed with her husband becaue it was to hot to sleep in the living room.something that they both laughed about ..
The following day i asked her to please stat over there one more night that i needed a breather .
When i asked her the 3rd day to come home she told me no! And stood that whole week.
Since then we have been very rocky and i dont trust her .she feels that because she is living with me and home that is enough prove that she loves me .mean while her husband textes her every single day ..
And she sents him pictures and so do he ..
And she calls him behind my back .
I tell her that what she is doing is not right and she fights and tells me its me ..
I have the problem .and that he is her friend and they have kids ( ages 33 and 38) and that she will not stop .he has a drinking problem but is a functioning alcoholic.
Before i found your article i was sleepless becaue i saw on her phone that she called him and the only reason i know is the content of his text to her .
And she never told me about the call but i k ow when she do because she comes home fighting with me for no reason.
This situation has gotten violent at times with her aggressive ways becaue she wont leave but wont stop. And has made her self the victim to our friends.
Please tell me if its me ? I dont think this is righy and i am not happy at all. And she told someone that she was not going to ever divorce her husband. And if i ask for a bteak up she gets very violent..
I dont think it’s you at all. I was in a similar situation and if the bad out weighs the good and tou are not happy, then I know it’s easier said than done but ita better to walk away than continue to get hurt. She is being very selfish and if she is treating you that way, you are 2nd to her and u deserve to be more than a choice or an option.
You can NEVER begin a new relationship while in one already no matter the reason or situation. Your new partner will never be able to trust you because you cheated with them so what would stop you from doing it again?
Hello,
So I was dating this amazing person for about 7 months while we were overseas on a deployment. When we first started hanging out I noticed that he was with this girl a lot (we all worked together) her mannerisms were “a little “flirtatious” I wanted to make sure that there was nothing going on between them before I got involved so I wouldn’t be caught like Malcom in the Middle. He told me that she had a crush on him but he didnt look at her like that but she’s cool. However, the energy I got from her towards me (stares, competition, belittling subliminals, Then smile in my face), towards him; flirtatious,(lust, stares, sits in his office chair) gave me the feeling of otherwise. I never said much about it cause I like to observe to ensure that it wasn’t my insecurities. Plus if nothing was directed to me, I carry on with my life. They would still communicate often while we were at work.
Eventually I found out that it was more than a crush, they had an intimate moment prior to me. Because I was secure with us, him and how attentive, how he expressed his attraction and feelings towards me, I ignored her. She still liked him. She was mad, I get it. But I told him he should limit interactions with her to simple greetings. He did, though she always looked for a moment to be in his face and spark conversations and I would occasionally catch them both staring. I kept the focus on us because we were great. He always expressed his attraction, feelings and a future with me. If we had issues we talked about it. He even asked me to move with him. I’m in GA, he’s in FL, (so is she). That last part is only relevant because…….
Well now we are back home from overseas 1 month. I visited my now boyfriend in FL for his birthday. They were texting a day before I got there. I had his phone recording a house we were looking at and I saw the message in his phone. I didn’t read everything word for word or scroll through it because my intentions wasn’t to 1. find anything or 2. invade his privacy. But Now, I felt triggered.
Need I remind you that I do bare trust issues from a previous relationship. Which I did share with him and I consciously works on it, but the senario feels familiar. I expressed the discomfort a few times when it was necessary but now I don’t want to nag about the same thing. First he said that he didn’t mean to text her originally, then he says that he is cool with her and he sees nothing with her at all she’s just someone he talks to. He also says he was just checking on her but I didn’t appreciate that because I know she may still be attracted to him. Plus I knew he was lying. Most of all when he ran out of things to say, he said that we never discussed him not being able to talk to her. But at that point, it was his birthday I just wanted to enjoy the time I had on my trip with him and just be friends. We had a little tension but the trip turned out nice. Now I allowed the distance to take it’s course out of fear of being hurt and betrayed. He tried to see what he could do to help my trust issues but I feel as though I told him, mutual respect is all I asked for because I always consider him, I have options too. But I choose him and ONLY HIM people of my past are left there. But instead of fighting I walked away. I miss him. Why does doing what I feel like is best for me, causing this discomfort? Any advice queens? I know should look inward to see what I can work on end but I know I’m worthy of my feelings being respected. I will not compete with someone who knows about me but will not respect herself or what we have.
I started dating this other woman a year ago and things were really going very well and still going very well. I got her pregnant later on and we now have a kid, and the only problem I have with her is for her is that she’s been communicating with her her exes and I told her so many times that I don’t like it at all cause I feel disrespected. She did cut off a few of them and sometimes some other guys I don’t know they just call randomly from no where asking her about life and our son and that kills me cause I don’t expect anybody to be asking her such things on my presence cause I believe that I’m the one who is in her life. And the other thing I’m 100% transparent to my lady, she uses my phone daily and I don’t mind, but to tell you the truth her phone is always locked and I don’t know her pattern or password, and that got me thinking and worried cause she goes on social media and talk to people but she always hide her conversations with other people. I wanna know what I should do cause I don’t wanna separate her from the people she love, I also love her so much, she made me gave up everything and focus on her and I also have the fear of losing her, but I can’t live like this forever
Think I’m on the other end of stick compared to these other post. Briefly… Been in a relationship with my sons father for about 17 years. We had an issue in the past about a relationship I had before we got together. That issue caused a lot of problems in our relationship. He made me feel like trash because of it. In turn I looked for comfort from an ex. He found out. It made things worse and we fought for several years because of it. Things finally start to settle down and start to look up for us. Those incidents happened about ten-eleven years ago.
Two months ago I get a friend request on IG from that ex I got comfort from. I excepted 🤦🏽♀️the request but didnt follow back. I immediately thought “know I need to delete this” but didn’t know how (not on IG like that only have about 15 friends…don’t even have the app on my phone) Anyway, couldn’t figure it out left it alone. The universe must have said he needed to see it and he saw this guy as one of my followers. All HELL broke loose. I’ve been put out, things thrown in the trash and have no contact with my son. Not hurt but disappointed in myself 😢
I have been in a 10 year relationship with a man I have known since childhood. He had a fiancé many years ago. They split, reason is determined by who you ask. She left and didn’t come home until she got limes disease 50 years later. They reconnected trying to pick up where they left off. She never married, but he did and it was a marriage from hell. When she was asked why she never married, her reply was that she never stopped loving him. He tells me they are just friends, talks to her each week, and sends her gifts for Christmas. He keeps the calls secret, and says it’s because I get outraged when he talks to her. He don’t want to talk about her and get upset if I ask questions. He will not tell her about me and says he never will. The other day he said they were attracted to each other. He also said he is attracted to other people as well because of their likes and interests. Nothing more. So what is the truth? He doesn’t want to be with her because she is sick and she says she doesn’t want him to do that. What is really going on here? He says he loves me and wants me to be with him and will tell her when that time comes.
Hello,
I’ve been with my BF for 4 years already and during those 4 years his “ex” never reached out to him. Just a little background.. His ex and him broke up 1-2 months before we got together.. They broke up because she cheated on him with her 1st baby daddy and now has 2 kids with him.( not my bf). I’ve known my BF since 2013 and we had crushes on each other but we were never involved since he had a GF he didn’t reach out to me until after he broke up with her 2 years later in 2016. We went on a date but my baby daddy found out and made me cut ties with him.. 3 months later he hit me up again and we started dating. But during those 3 months he was back with his ex..
In May 2020 my BF and I had a break which only lasted a month. During that 1 month I would frequently text him asking him to give us a second chance and he would decline and was very cold towards me saying we would only stay as friends. That it was too soon to try again. Long story short during week 3 I sent my final goodbye and I chose to move forward a week later he message me that he wanted to get back together again, that he messed up for letting me go and wanting to now get married and starting a family together. We started going out again in mid June.. and 3 weeks in I see a FB message from his ex calling him Gorgeous and telling him she can’t stop thinking about him and she can picture him, and thanking him for being the sweetest.. He replied with heart and love faces saying hi and saying ” for you love”.. I immediately called him and texted him a screenshot…
He came home from work immediately and begged me to not leave that it was a mistake, that he wasn’t thinking and he was sorry for texting her and not telling me a week ago she had also texted him through FB and he deleted the messages. i made him call her and tell her to stop. He did call her in front of me with embarrassment and she answered and said okay.. I did text her separate through FB through another account since she has me blocked.. She apologize for reaching out to him, that its all from the past and she is content with her husband and kids and that it was a mistake.. He ended up blocking her as well..
My issue now is that i don’t trust him and i get constant flashbacks since it happen 3 1/2 weeks ago, he has been very lovable and gave me his account info and ensure he will never do anything like this again. Next time he it contact again he would let me know.. But i still feel very betrayed and i was lied to and i’m afraid it’ll happen again since this use to be him when i met him in 2013. I’ve talked to him about my feelings about 2 times already and he does say he messed up big time for losing my trust, and ask how he can fix it but idk how. I feel gross because i never use to be like this but now i’m always questioning what he is doing, where he is at, who he is texting and i am constantly checking his FB.. How can i move forwards with this? I don’t want to feel like i am going crazy and become unhappy because i’m worried i’ll get cheated on? BTW is that consider cheating what he did? Texting his ex behind my back… Please advise since i can’t talk to my mom or sister about this otherwise they’ll despise him even more.
The hardest decisions are the right decisions. So maybe you can take comfort knowing that just Bc it hurts and is uncomfortable that it’s the right decision
So, I found out my bf was taxing this girl bc her name showed up on his phone. I asked who she was and he told me a “friend”. I messed up by going through his phone and seeing he deleted the messages. I freaked out. A few weeks later he was honest and told me she was his ex. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him talking to her and he let her know that he had to cut all communication with her because he respected the relationship with me. Things have been going well , but I’m just having a hard time getting the whole situation out of my head. Should I still be in this relationship? (The messages were about my personal health issues and his worry for me)
Hello Anon.
I think that it was very admirable of your boyfriend to cut ties with his ex because he respected his relationship with you. I believe this demonstrates the loyalty, love and respect he has for you.
I was in a relationship with someone who hung out with a girl at her house three times in a week knowing I was uncomfortable with it. He refused to respect my feelings and demanded that I needed to trust him, even despite going there without telling me and disregarding how I felt. My discomfort wasn’t unfounded as she apparently had feelings for him, and he had liked her in the past.
My point is, I would have given anything to have received the same respect your boyfriend gave you by cutting ties with an ex and for not only listening to your feelings, but acting on them to reassure you.
If I can offer you my two cents: I believe you should stay. But please, give your boyfriend the same respect he gave you by not going through his phone again.
I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago, we had been together for 8yrs. But I discovered last week he’s been sex texting and making plans to be with his ex girlfriend for 5 of those 7 months. When I first found out I confronted him and got the reply, “It meant nothing, it was just for filling a need”. But his texts were full of ‘I love you’s and ‘one day we will do this and that’. He even told me that my depression (my son tried to commit suicide in Jan), pushed him to it.
I’ve left, couch surfing right now. So now I have to start over, no home, no future, nothing. But the worst thing is all the lies he’s told himself and his family about us. That it was just a few inappropriate texts, and I over reacted. Got to find a new home, and a new job, which during a bloody pandemic is going to be tough. Just wish I could turn of my feelings and hate them both.
Hello, My current bf that I have lived with for 4 yrs still talks to his ex 4-5x/week on the phone and she wants him back and they have talked about getting back together as him and I have had alot of arguements (one of them being about his connection with her). They do not just talk about the kids. They talk about what they are up to that day, good/bad things that happened to them that day, even things like remembering his ex wifes sleeping postion or him making jokes about his physical features to her (his butt being nice). I hear it because he records his calls for work and doesn’t know I listen to them. Ive even heard he has talked to his ex in her bedroom. He says it was about their daughter so she couldn’t hear but HER BEDROOM?! I’ve told him for 4 yrs this makes me all very uncomfortable but he only blames it on me for me causing him to start up a connection to her again and then also says Im over reacting, so what he talks to her, it’s just talking. To me, its keeping an emotional connection with her.
Just do yourself a favor and leave him, when this nonsense starts it never stops, he’s just using you for security while he tries to play games and play the field with his ex, you will be cheated on and have your life destroyed, by entertaining this and staying with him, you are just prolonging the inevitable and wasting more of your precious time. It is disrespectful and emotional cheating, if the two of them were together behind your back, it would develop into physical cheating too. I’ve been in that situation with ex girlfriends and been cheated on by them plenty of times to know this is not right or acceptable. Also, people that do this are either sly and manipulative and try and blame it all on you to justify their poor unacceptable behavior or they are plain ignorant and uneducated.
thanks , I do agree with you, hard to do
I agree, it is never easy, the longer you have been with someone, the more attached you are and you wanted to believe the good and grew to become dependant on the companionship and support. However remember what you thought was real was only real from your side, not theirs, if they truly cared for you or respected you, you wouldn’t be going through this, they would never do such a thing, people like this manipulate and use and by saying with them out of comfort and security and the hopes they will change, they rarely do and you are only prolonging the inevitable and wasting your precious time you could be using to meet a decent person who you deserve. Know your worth and know you deserve better than this. I’ve been through this personally with two girlfriends who did this and wound up destroyed and in therapy and had to rebuild my life from scratch so this is the best advice anyone can offer. Best of luck.
Currently I am depressed over it and kind of emotionally frozen but hope some day to leave. He just says he comes home to me every night and spends all his time with me so I’m causing him aggravation for no reason. Thank you for your advice. I hope you are happier out of your situation.
Hi I have a question , I agree with your article to a point. My issue has landed me in a situation I’m not quite sure what spin to take on this. I moved to another state with my cousin, I knew no one . I became friends with a guy and for 2 years we saw each other then the guy disappeared and went to Florida to be with someone else, although it bothered me it was more about he had been my friend and didn’t say goodbye. He came back by now I’m seeing someone new this new guy is extremely jealous, to the point of sometimes violent behavior Sometimes to the point I have to leave and I’ve done it so much so that my cousin won’t help me because I keep going back, that left the x I know he still has feelings for me but I don’t feel the same for him. But he had been the only one here for me when the currant boyfriend kicks me out( 1 x every other week) then gets mad cause I talked to the x but I have nowhere else to turn in the middle of the night needing stitches or a couch to crash on etc … etc.., So what does that say for talking to x?!?
It says that after 3 years in a new state, and the only “friends” that you have are dope acquaintances or people you have had sex with, means that you are not a victim of your own circumstances. You created your own hell by your own actions.
You need a decent person who doesn’t abuse you first of all, but then you shouldn’t have any business talking to ex boyfriends when you have a stable boyfriend in your life. It is disrespectful to say the least, any sane and decent man, if his girlfriend won’t let go of her ex boyfriends and the ex still has feelings will be hurt or even traumatised. I have been cheated on multiple times, every time I have allowed or entertained my ex girlfriends being friends or speaking to exes, never again.
It is wrong, and I wish I had left in the beginning. It’ cruel and disrespectful and emotionally dead people do not understand that the world is already a shit hole; but to make someone feel like your just an arrangement that you keep your previous exes in your life just shows they have no spine to grow up.
Every time I have let my previous girlfriends talk to exes and tried to be open minded and understanding I have cheated on to the point it landed me in therapy and a terrible state so articles like this fully back up solid advice that it is rarely okay to talk to exes when dating again, only in special cases if there are children or sorting out finances, thereafter no contact. It’s wildly innapropriate and disrespectful to a new date or partner. In addition to being cheated on, I was almost in another relationship and when I found out the girl was in regular contact with two exes and explained to her I’m uncomfortable with it due to my past experiences which I explained, she refused to talk to me and discuss it, she just become, hostile and aggressive and ignored me and later blocked me when I asked her why she was ignoring me and tried to talk to her about my feelings towards it. So in my opinion it’s horrible when people do this and it causes a lot of pain. Unfortunately I’ve noticed plenty of girls do it and they don’t listen to reason or care about what they doing at all. In the worst case scenario as mentioned I was cheated on when I allowed in one serious relationship I was in.
So my ex broke up with me because his life is too “confusing” at the moment but he hasn’t deleted me on instagram snap or whatsapp. He has done this before and we got back together. He is constantly watching my insta story an snapchat story. There’s no activity from himself. But recently he posted something on snapchat he NEVER posts a story on snap. I don’t know if the no contact will work this time. He even insisted we should just be friends after a 1 yr and a half. I lied and told him my phone hasn’t been working so I’ve not seen any of his msgs I asked him if he msg me he said no..But then a week later I blew up and said to him that I had seen his break up msg and I was hurt. All he said was that it wasn’t his fault that I FELL for him. Everybody seems to be telling me to delete him off everything and my friends think he will defiantly come back once his head is cleared up but its not fair on myself. Would appreciate your advice
So sorry. But honestly, do you really want a man who isn’t sure about you? This guy is not sealing the deal and this speaks volumes. Having a man who IS sure about you is much, much more fun to be in a relationship with! I get it, I do, my last relationship was with a cold, aloof fish who was also confused. Walking away was very painful. Yet, it’s so lonely being in a relationship where someone is never really fully in. Do yourself a favour and show you have moved on until your heart catches up with your actions (it’s tough, but you can do it!).
Zan – is it ok for a dumpee (or dumper) to leave photos of your past relationship up on social media months after the break up? I’ve always felt it’s a good idea to hide or delete those memories especially if you start dating again. -JD
Hi JD.
I think that both the dumpee and the dumper shouldn’t delete their photos right after the breakup.
Deleting them would signify that a person has hard feelings for his or her ex-partner. In my opinion, they should wait a month or so.
And yes, if you start dating, then you might want to delete them out of respect for your partner right away.
Best regards,
Zan
Same thing happened to me, too, Ralf. I, too, ended up in therapy. I totally agree that it is wrong.