Interview With A Dumpee Who Reinvented Himself ?

This is an interview with Nick who got broken up with by his controlling ex. Nick is 53 years old, from Spain, and had made some mistakes throughout the relationship.

He wants to show you that it’s possible to turn your life around after the breakup.

1)Tell me about your relationship. How did you meet your ex-girlfriend? What was the relationship like at first?

I met my ex-girlfriend in a cafe in a local area where I lived in April 2017. We chatted for a while and had an instant connection. The following day I asked her out for a drink but she canceled it for some reason. I think she got cold feet.

Two weeks later, I saw her in the same cafe again, so I said hello. She recognized me, but we didn’t chat. We messaged each other later on Whatsapp.

During our texting conversation, she told me about her past. She said she had had a relationship with a married man for about 4 years and that she was still in love with him. She was still hopeful that he would leave his wife and children to be with her and told me that friendship was all she could offer.

It wasn’t what I wanted but I agreed.

Two weeks later, we started spending more and more time together. She regularly stayed over at my place and gradually became romantic, sensual, sexual…. everything. I thought she was amazing in every way.

However, I soon noticed something was wrong. She wasn’t showing affection to me in public. She was pulling me close when we were alone and pushing me away when we were out.

Without realizing it, I was getting emotionally attached and kept hoping that she would one day fall for me completely. It was a constant struggle.

Instead of committing to me, she always kept reminding me that we were just friends and that we need to stay friends.

2)How did her constant hot and cold behavior make you feel? Did you ever want to give up on her?

Good question and a critical one actually. When she was hot towards me I felt ecstatic and powerful. I was on top of the world. However, when she was cold, I was in despair and didn’t know what to do. I never thought about giving up though. I was too entrenched, too attached and had lots of hope that it would all end well.

3)Could you say that you became obsessed/infatuated with her and hoped that she would give up on her ex and commit to you? Did she mention her ex a lot while she was with you?

Yes, I definitely was obsessed to the point of not being able to see the truth. All my friends and family kept telling me the same thing, “Nick, get away from her. She is not good for you, she is using you. She is dangerous”

I ignored them all, of course. Mostly because I believed that I am a good guy and that I would eventually win her heart. I had hope that the toxicity would stop and that we’d be happy.

She didn’t mention her ex very often, but I have a thing or two to say about that. In September 2017 (6 months into the relationship), we were having a normal conversation when all of a sudden, she burst into tears. I asked her what’s wrong and offered to help, but she said that she still believes her ex is her destiny. Obviously, this was a very difficult moment for me as I didn’t know what to say.

I just knew that I wanted to be with her, so I kept hoping that she would eventually want to be with me too.

In January 2018, things finally changed for the better, though. She finally gave up on her ex and sort of committed to me. By “sort of,” I mean that I wasn’t her first option. I was merely the fallback guy who was available to her at that point in time.

4)Did you get along better when she got over her ex and finally committed to you? Did all your problems “toxicity” as you say finally disappear?

Sadly, no. The problems just began. We would go through periods of time (usually 1-2 months) when things were great, but then something bad would happen and all our progress would be lost. We had constant ups and downs.

5)What were some of the difficulties you encountered throughout the relationship?

The longer our relationship went on, the more she seemed to want to control me. We planned to move in together many times, but we always ran into problems before it got to that.

The most common problem was that she wanted to have complete control over my finances. And I didn’t like that. The idea that I could not buy a book or a new shirt without getting permission from her felt degrading to me. Even though I was okay with sharing finances, I didn’t feel respected by her. I felt that even though I was paying for everything, she was in charge of my spendings.

Also, when we had different opinions about something, it seemed to me that it was either her way or the highway. If I disagreed with her and wanted to have it my way, argument, toxicity, and disaster would soon ensue.

6)Could you tell me more about what she did if you disagreed with her? How did the two of you handle problems?

I would disagree with her about something and try to explain why I disagree and she would reply to me in an emotional manner, more often than not portraying herself as a victim.

She’d say, “Nick, you know what I am going through at the moment in my life.” A few times I lost my cool and called her “stupid” or “idiot” because of that.

It wasn’t nice of me, I know, but I was so hurt for not being able to get my opinion across that I lashed out. I always ended up feeling guilty afterwards which usually resulted in me giving her flowers the next day and apologizing profusely.

7)So you tried to rationalize with her, but she was too emotional to hear what you were saying?

Yes, I realize my mistakes now. I wish I had my current self-control and maturity back then, but that’s life. When we argued, my ex probably thought, “He just doesn’t understand how I feel.”

I, on the other hand, thought, “She just doesn’t understand what I’m saying.” We had gender differences and we didn’t understand them.

I get that neither of us was supposed to win an argument and that we were supposed to work together.

8)You’re right. Relationships are not a competition, it’s teamwork. You said you felt guilty and apologized a lot. Did she also apologize and try to make it up to you after the argument?

She never said sorry for anything during the 3 years we were together. In fact, she never even said “I love you” or “I miss you.” Not even if I went abroad and was away from her for a week or longer.

When we encountered problems, she sometimes said that our relationship is in a “standby mode.” What she meant was that we should act like strangers until she feels ready to give us another chance.

9)Why do you think she felt this urge to control you?

She’s been a loner most of her life, but I’m not sure where her problems stem from. She’s a single mother and doesn’t seem to have many friends. Maybe that has something to do with it. As for her need to control me, I made it very easy for her to control me. She wanted to feel secure, so she did what she needed to do to feel good about herself.

10)Do you think you should have stood up for yourself more? She most likely wouldn’t appreciate resistance, but would you have done it anyway if you could go back in time?

The cold truth is that I was emotionally weak and incredibly naive in regards to relationship management. I had no idea about setting boundaries, especially early on. At the age of 53, I now realize that I actually knew nothing about relationships.

If I could go back in time, I would go back to the very beginning and be more secure.

This woman was emotionally unavailable as she told me from the beginning that she could only offer friendship. I’d made the mistake to chase after a woman who was not ready to be my girlfriend. The foundation of this entire relationship was wrong. It was doomed from the start.

It was only a question of how long we could keep it up before we broke up. All the toxicity, the manipulation, the pull-push, the need for control, the total loss of my self-respect ultimately caused the breakup.

11)Let’s talk about the breakup. Can you tell me about the day your ex broke up with you?

in October 2019, we were in another standby mode when my ex called me and said she had an offer for me. She said that we know each other very well and that I can move in with her and start our relationship again. Obviously, I was shocked to hear this, but I didn’t want to agree to it too quickly. I wanted to think about it and she seemed okay about that.

The following week I went abroad for work and that’s when she sudenly got really desperate.

She started saying, “Hi my love, I miss you” and wouldn’t stop sending me lovey-dovey messages. I found it strange that she would send them out of the blue because she had never done that in the 2.5 years of knowing her. She didn’t seem like herself.

Anyway, when I got back home, she messaged me and asked me if I thought about her offer. I said, “Yes, but I can’t move in with you. How can I be certain that you’ll stay with me this time?”

She wasn’t too happy with my response, so she ignored what I said.

The following Wednesday she came to clean my place for which I paid her and asked me if she could take a break and have a glass of wine with me outside. “Yes, of course, you can,” I said. But the moment I replied she launched into a 30-minute verbal assault.

She mentioned the past, the present, the future, everything… All of it was my fault. She even called me a bad person and said I never helped her with anything even though I did.

That’s when I snapped.

12)What did you do?

I told her to stop it and slapped her on the cheek. I shouted, “No more! Get out!”

After that, she quickly grabbed her stuff and left. Obviously, I felt terrible that it had come to this, so I bought her flowers and went to an ATM to give her some money to make up for her lost work. It was Christmas, so I thought she could use it.

I thought she’d forgiven me and was back to normal, but this time, she didn’t even want to talk to me, so I left her alone for a week and went abroad for work.

That’s when things got really weird. I received a phone call from her mother, shouting at me that she’ll report me to the police.

I didn’t think she would do anything to hurt me, but when I got back to Spain on December 13th, I realized that she would. That day, the passport control officer stopped me and said that I got reported for mistreating a woman. I was arrested on the spot.

Although the police treated me with respect, I had to go through the full identification procedure and stayed in a cell for 4 hours.

I had never even received a parking ticket in my life, so you can imagine how shocked and embarrassed I felt.

13)What did you do afterward? Did you contact your ex or her mother?

No. The Order of Protection said that I cannot contact anyone associated with my ex. I was told I would be arrested again and that it would not be as pleasant as my first arrest.

The last time I attempted to talk to my ex was on November 28th.

14)You must have been in a lot of pain. What did you do or wanted to when you were hurting?

For the next two months, I was in such a state of shock at the turn of events that I didn’t feel any pain. I just felt numb and was glad that the country went into lockdown and that I couldn’t see my ex.

But as time went on, I started to miss my ex and asked myself if something’s wrong with me for slapping my ex. Such self-doubting thoughts quickly caused me to fall into a deep depression.

But luckily, I soon found a well-known psychologist who lives in the same town as me. At first, I had Skype sessions with him, but when the lockdown eased in May, I also saw him in person. He introduced The Pause Button Therapy to me which was extremely helpful. I learned that it was OK to be angry when someone harms us or offends us.

My therapist advised me to imagine pressing the PAUSE button when things get heated. Once paused, he said I should allow myself to calm down and think rationally. That’s when I could press the PLAY button and carry on peacefully.

It seems simple, I know, but The Pause Button Therapy worked like a charm for me. Whenever I feel overwhelmed today, I think of a remote control and press PAUSE to collect my thoughts.

Although my therapist doesn’t specialize in relationships, we still managed to come to the conclusion that I had suffered from extreme emotional manipulation. My ex was a control freak.

15)Did you ever run into your ex?

Not long after the breakup, I happened to walk past the cafe where my ex works and saw that she got close to one of the waiters. It was incredibly painful to see her so comfortable with someone in public as she never publicly displayed affection around me. Seeing her happy in love hurt me deeply and sent me back into depression.

I then went online and looked for people that could help me. I noticed that there are many websites that promise all sorts of results. Most of them were ex-back sites that didn’t explain why exes come back. They just said that exes come back and that I must do something desperate to show I love her.

Fortunately, I didn’t do anything desperate and soon came across articles about relationship mindsets that really hit the nail on the head. I realized that I was codependent on my girlfriend during our entire 3-year relationship. If she was happy, I was happy. if she was sad, then she brought me down with her.

16What did you do to get back on your feet?

At the beginning of August, I started a self-improvement project that I called Project Ground Zero. It was all about learning from my mistakes and rebuilding myself from the ground up, hence the name.

I wanted to be better, so I set specific goals over a 6 month period.

1. Physical: I needed to hit the gym, bulk up, and feel more confident in my body.

2. Mental: Since I learned that everything I knew about women and relationships was wrong, I needed to relearn things. I knew I had to do a lot of reading and understand how to maintain relationships and respect myself.

3. Emotional: I also knew that I needed to change the way I think. If I changed my thoughts, I would essentially change the way I felt about myself. I could forgive myself for hurting my ex and move on in peace. Knowing this, I worked hard on taking responsibility and accepting the breakup.

I basically wanted to start fresh and stop my ex from haunting me.

By adopting a healthy mindset, I slowly detached from my ex and realized that I am a mature, healthy, and quality individual who should be with someone like me. Yes, I made mistakes throughout the relationship (especially at the end), but we all do.

I learned that the past needs to stay in the past and that every day is an opportunity for me to be better than I was yesterday. My ex, however, doesn’t seem to care about improving herself. She’s dating someone new and is probably trying to control him too.

She’s not someone I should get involved with again.

16)Is there anything you’d like to say to people reading this?

If you’re in a lot of pain, I’d like to say that you mustn’t cling on to your ex. You must be clear about your path to recovery and make self-improvement a priority.

Don’t just say you’ll do better next time. Set goals! You must be willing to dismantle yourself so that you can rebuild yourself with precision. This is something that takes time. A lot of it, and that’s okay.

In the last 2 months, I have met two women who are showing interest in me because of my new-found confidence and calmness. This would not have happened if I didn’t take the time to work on myself.

Let Nick and readers know what you think about this interview. Comment below.