Interview With A Dumpee Who Doesn’t Want His Ex Back Anymore

Today’s interview was conducted with a reader of the blog who goes by the name Seth.

He’s 26, from Italy, and had moved to Germany to be with his ex (28) who he met on a trip to London.

Their relationship lasted for four years and worked really well until the girl became depressed—and things went south from there.

I’ll leave the rest of the story for Seth to tell.

Interview with a dumpee who doesn’t want his ex back anymore

1) Can you tell me a bit about your relationship?

The beginning of our relationship was really nice. We met at a hostel in London where she worked as a receptionist. Somehow we just clicked and got along so well that it felt like we were destined for each other.

A few days of getting to know each other later, I returned home to Italy and continued to talk to her. It took us roughly 4 months before she agreed to visit me in Italy. Knowing we were on the same page made me very happy. The only problem was that I was going through a rough patch in life at the time and that I didn’t know where my life was headed. She was the only thing that mattered to me, so we could say that she showed me the way. I’m grateful to her for that.

Shortly after the meetup, we decided to give our relationship a serious chance, so I moved to Germany to be with her. I constantly gave our relationship everything I had so that she could see I was into her and that I could integrate myself into the country, learn the language, and get accustomed to the culture.

I remember it took me around 3 years to become fluent in German. I even got accepted into a private institute to study IT. I did this just so I could stay with my ex. It didn’t really matter to me what kind of job I got as long as I got an IT job and stayed with her.

2) Did you flourish the romance, express gratitude, and work on the future?

At first, we were together all the time. She worked normal shifts close to our apartment and was quite busy in general. I, on the other hand, was still getting used to the new environment, so I needed a bit more time to adjust. But when I got a job as a stagehand, I became a lot busier and we saw each other less frequently.

I think that we still spent enough time together despite us having a busy schedule. We’d hang out and do interesting things when we weren’t working. Our favorite thing to do was going out to eat together.

I fear it may have eventually become a routine and we couldn’t really consider it dating anymore.

3) Did you have any serious arguments, disagreements, or misunderstandings that disrupted your relationship and distanced you from each other?

We never really argued. We had some conflicts and misunderstandings, but we managed to work them out somehow. Her parents (especially her father) were really impressed by the way I could handle things in a calm manner. They thought very highly of me.

For the most part, our personal goals and ambitions were unanimous but we did encounter a few disagreements and mismatches here and there. While I was willing to make compromises between my needs and hers, it seemed like she didn’t want to do the same.

For example, when we talked about important relationship topics such as having children, I noticed that she tried to rush it. She dreamt of having a house and a family by the time she’s 30 and this unquestionably put me through a lot of stress. It was a move way too big for me. It’s not that I didn’t want kids because I do.

I just needed her to take her time and talk to me about it without rushing and making it seem like her time is running out. I was practically in the country for only 3 years and needed a bit more time to settle down properly. I was still pursuing my education and it certainly wouldn’t hurt if she listened to my side of the story a bit more.

4) What did your ex-girlfriend use as an excuse when she left you? Did she try to justify her actions? Did she appear angry, sad, cold…?

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the day she left. It felt like thunder struck me but left me alive just to comprehend what happened. I felt so betrayed.

Prior to the breakup, my ex had been going out “with colleagues” and always came home late at night. I thought it was great that she’s making some new friends and getting along with them. She’d been feeling down recently so I thought they could help her lift her spirits. This late-night partying went on for about a week until one day I stayed up all night playing videogames.

It was 10.00 AM when I suddenly noticed her walking in, so I approached her and told her, “You came home very late. I was worried something happened to you.”

That’s when she told me that she’s been out with colleagues and one (male) colleague. She said she thinks she’s fallen in love with him and it devastated me. The person I left my home country for stabbed me right in the back.

She didn’t initially try to justify her actions. She was probably afraid of how I’ll react. The only thing she said was that she’s in love with him and that she can’t really explain why. She seemed relieved that she got it off her chest. The guilt she felt must have been killing her for over a week.

5) How did you take the breakup?

For the first two days, I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t even interact with anyone (not even my family). The first person I told about the breakup was my mother, and it took me 3 days. I felt like something inside of me had died. The anxiety I felt was so intense that I could feel excruciating physical pain in the chest. My heart pounded so fast I thought I was going to get a heart attack. But the pain didn’t stop then and there.

My ex and I lived together for another 3 months after that. It was extremely difficult to live in an apartment full of memories coated in nostalgia. It tore me apart because I initially refused to accept the breakup. I thought I could somehow salvage our relationship, but it was already too late.

I reached out to her a couple of times, saying that I need to understand what happened. I needed closure. That’s when she admitted she’d been thinking about this new guy since our argument from around a year ago.

I got very angry about that because she’d always tell me that just thinking about dating other men disgusts her. She also said that talking to others in a relationship counts as cheating.

Needless to say, the breakup made me feel so dependent on her that I couldn’t think straight anymore. My performance at school dropped substantially and so did my self-esteem. If it weren’t for my colleagues and friends who gave me tons of support, I don’t know where I’d be right now. Even my boss offered his support by looking for a place for me to stay. It was very generous of him.

Since I felt incredibly dispirited, I decided to go back to Italy for a while to lean on my family for support and celebrate Christmas. Staying with my loved ones has helped me heal better than I can describe. It made me feel stronger about myself and helped me fully understand what my ex has done.

6) What happened after the breakup?

When I moved to my new place, she contacted me about a week later to tell me that her father has died. I felt really bad about it because he and I went along really well. Even after the breakup, he offered me his support more than once and actively cared for me. It felt to me like I lost a person from my own family.

Anyway, my ex contacted me to invite me to his funeral (which is something I appreciated despite the breakup). That was also the only time I broke no contact because I wanted to offer her my sincere condolences.

At the funeral, I hugged her and gave her my condolences in person. It was also there that I met her new boyfriend. My ex asked me how I was doing at my new place and I replied I was okay. I wished her the best and continued to talk to other people. Since that day, she only reached out one time via WhatsApp. She contacted me to breadcrumb me and again ask me how I was. I replied by saying I was well and wished the same to her. And that was that. She hasn’t reached out since then.

7) Do you think you could have somehow prevented the breakup if you saw into the future?

If I could see into the future, I don’t think I could/would have changed anything. My ex would still get attracted to this guy and leave me for him. That’s why I would probably not date my ex at all. She’s hurt me enough.

8) Did you stalk their relationship on social media? What did you do to focus on your healing?

Yeah, a lot. Probably several times a day. I stalked her until I went back home for Christmas and realized it needed to stop because it was hurting me. Once I came back to Germany, I began to focus on getting over her. I started working on myself, stopped some bad habits, such as biting fingernails, and began to meditate.

I did what I could to take my mind off her. I even started traveling to places I’d never been to.

9) Are you completely over your ex? How long has it been since she left you for another person?

If by being over my ex you mean not having any romantic feelings for her or even any negative thoughts about her, then yes. I find myself in a neutrality stage when it comes to her. I see it as a very good sign as it tells me that I managed to detach and heal from the wound that she inflicted on me.

Despite what she did, I don’t hate her, nor do I wish anything bad to happen to her. She simply stopped being important to me and is now just someone I know. Nothing more, nothing less.

The breakup happened in November 2019. To this day, it’s been a little over 5 months.

10) Is there anything you’d like to say to the people reading your story?

Breakup wounds are like physical wounds with the exception that you can’t see them. My advice is that you take care of them just how you would take care of injuries and expect them to take time to heal.

It took me a lot of hard work to get to where I am and I’m proud of it. But if I made it, so can you. It’s going to be painful at first, but it’s going to get gradually better.

Thank you for reading my story. Allow me to end it with a quote.

“You’ve experienced immense regret. Now use it as a catalyst to develop yourself into a stronger person that you can be proud of. There’s no point in remaining in the past. What’s done is done. Move on.” -Seth.

I hope you enjoyed the interview with Seth. If you did and you want to see more interviews like this in the future, comment below.