Updated on November 10, 2025
As the saying goes, what’s meant for you will always return to you, no matter where you are or what you’ve done.
It will eventually find its way back to you, and you won’t even have to lift a finger. All you’ll have to do is let it go, accept that it’s gone, focus on yourself, and wait for it to return. If it comes back, it’s yours forever.
The saying says so, at least.
The truth is that if you love something and that something doesn’t love you back, you don’t have a choice but to let it go. You need to part ways with it because stressing about something or someone who’s no longer in your life, accessible to you, is pointless and self-destructive.
It’s a waste of time and energy that can lead to an unhealthy obsession, or even worse, depression. Laser-focusing on a person or thing that left your life and made you stressed or unhappy can make you neglect yourself and the things that are needed for your happiness and growth. The more you depended on that person or thing for happiness and well-being, the more hurt and obsessed you’ll be in its absence.
That’s why it’s important to shift your focus away from what you’re addicted to, concentrate on yourself, stay productive, and engage in things that are within your reach right now.
If you choose to obsess over your problems and hope that they’ll magically fix themselves, you risk falling into an endless cycle of overthinking and self-torture, which in turn makes you heavily dependent on positive outcomes.
Those positive outcomes must happen no matter what, because if they don’t, you’ll continue to feel lost and powerless.
Since there’s a big possibility that those positive outcomes never come to fruition, you may get disappointed, rejected, and hurt, and engage in self-blame. Your unfulfilled expectations could essentially make you feel uncared for and unloved, making your detachment journey even longer and more painful.
So if there’s one takeaway from this article, let it be that obsession fueled by false hope is extremely harmful to your well-being. The hope you search for may feel reassuring and relaxing at first because it heightens your sense of control, but it won’t help you heal and grow.
Instead, it will make you fixate on unrealistic outcomes, raise your expectations, and convince you that you can only feel better if things go exactly the way you want them to.
Hope is, therefore, very conditional. If you get what your heart desires, you feel validated and happy. And if you don’t get what you set out to get, the world comes crashing down on you, hurting your self-esteem, and forcing you to confront reality.
It’s best not to pin your hopes on people or things that are out of your ability to influence.
Exes are a good example of this. They have their own understanding of the relationship and breakup, so telling them your perception and trying to change their mind is dangerous. It’s dangerous because they adopted negative beliefs and associated negative feelings with you. If you try to make them ignore their beliefs and feelings, chances are they’ll get angry with you and make you regret it.
So instead of staying hopeful about something you want but that doesn’t want you back, practice acceptance, forgiveness, and self-forgiveness. Tell yourself that you might not get the outcome you want, but that you’ll accept it and find happiness despite that.
By doing so, you’ll prepare yourself for things you can’t foresee and deal with the things you can’t control.
And don’t worry. You won’t simply give up on your desires without a fight or settle for less than you deserve. By making peace with the results you’ve been given, you’ll make certain that poor results don’t destroy your emotional well-being and physical health.
You’ll essentially protect yourself from getting hurt and avoid falling (deeper) into depression.
In this post, we’ll talk about why you should let go of something or someone you love very much.
Hope can feel great, but it can be extremely dangerous!
If you believe that staying hopeful about everything in life is always a good thing, you’re likely either optimistic or somewhat naive. Hope can feel comforting, as it provides the motivational boost required to keep going and strive toward personal goals.
But on the other hand, it’s often unrealistic or even false. Many people hope for things that never come to fruition. Some hope that their cheating ex-partner, who left them for someone else, will come back and commit to them, whereas others hope that they’ll win the lottery and get out of debt.
For many people, hope is more than just a wish. It’s a feeling we wish to experience and oftentimes get hurt when we don’t get it. In most situations, a small amount of hope is better than complete hopelessness.
A little bit of hope is healthy if we want the best for ourselves and those around us. But staying hopeful is okay only when we have a goal in mind and know that if things don’t work out as we imagined them to, we won’t be discouraged from reaching our goal.
If something unpredictable can change how we think and feel about ourselves and the things that matter to us (let’s say our goals), it’s not good to be hopeful. It means we’re too (emotionally) dependent on external factors (the outcome) and that we won’t be happy if things don’t go our way.
And in life, things don’t always go how we want them to. Sometimes we fail to get what we want and need to look for different solutions and ways to be happy.
You need to think rationally and remember that people get to their destinations in different ways. Some (the lucky ones) take the straight path and succeed, but most of us need to be more strategic and persistent.
We need to learn what’s achievable and what is likely to fail and hurt us. Plans that are likely to fail and bring us pain are seldom worth the risk.
And that’s why it’s important to know that hope isn’t always a good thing. It’s okay to have it only when you’re prepared for things not to go your way and accept that you can’t control them. That’s when hope can be realistic, empowering, and safe.
Some examples of things that you typically don’t have control over are:
- other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions
- ex-partner’s feelings
- the outcomes of certain risks or investments
- past events and mistakes
These things can be very difficult to accept and move on from. But despite their difficulty, it’s of utmost importance not to cling to hope for reassurance. Hope won’t fix relationships, health problems, or something you did or didn’t do in the past. It will just trap you in the past and prevent you from regaining your emotional independence.
On that note, please remember that hope can occasionally be a good thing. It can be the most wonderful feeling when you know you’re working toward something and trust yourself that you’re going to keep pursuing it until you achieve it, or even if you don’t.
Hope can uplift your spirits and give you the determination you need to persevere.
But hope can’t be good when you desperately pray for something or someone to take mercy on you and give you something you don’t have or can’t get on your own. That’s when hope is likely to affect your health and stop you from living your life the way you deserve to live it.
If you love something and that something doesn’t seem to feel the same way about you, or doesn’t respond as you hope, the healthiest choice is to let it go and focus on what you can control. Focus on people or things that are willing to give you the fulfilment you seek.
That way, you’ll take your mind off things that are unattainable (at least right now), focus on the present moment, and work on things that really matter.
If you love something, let it go! Don’t hold on to it!
First of all, letting go doesn’t mean that you give up on something you really want (unless it’s unattainable or self-damaging). It means detaching from the outcome and being okay with whatever results come your way.
By being okay with anything the universe gives you, you immediately take external factors’ ability to control your feelings away and gain more control over your life. You claim independence and free yourself from life’s burdens.
If it’s exams that worry you and you’re experiencing intense anxiety, letting go of unrealistic expectations will help you prepare for any outcome.
It won’t make you uncaring or lazy, as some people assume, but it will lower the amount of anxiety you allow yourself to feel.
I learned this lesson back in college. I felt anxious about my presentation, so I decided I didn’t want to worry anymore. I wanted to be free of anxiety and break the cycle of stressing every time I stepped on stage.
I remember telling myself that worrying about it wasn’t going to change the outcome. It was just going to make me overthink and make mistakes. Hence, I prepared myself as much as I could and gave it my best by adopting a “whatever happens-happens mentality.”
Needless to say, it worked like a charm. My mind was clear, my words flowed, and I got a decent score. Since then, I’ve been using it as a constant mantra. I use it at work, while talking to strangers, or even when talking to exes and people who affected me emotionally.
I know that worries and stress created by hoping, aka expectations, don’t make others respect me and like me more. They do exactly the opposite, which is why I advise people to prepare themselves for the worst. They can’t get any ugly surprises if they don’t expect the world to roll the red carpet for them every time they want something.
So whenever you feel uncertain and anxious, whether it’s at school, work, or in your private life because of friends, family, partners, or ex-partners, I strongly encourage you to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen? Will my life end or be negatively affected? If so, how is worrying going to help me?”
Soon, you’ll realize that your life won’t come to an end and that stressing about it isn’t worth the pain and sleepless nights. It’s especially not worth it if you can’t do anything about it.
So even though you may not be able to control the issue itself, bear in mind that there’s a lot you can do about it. You can decide how much hope you pin on the things that bother you by rationally and emotionally convincing yourself that life is too short to bury yourself in worry.
Here’s my favourite author, Earl Nightingale’s estimate of what most people worry about.
See which category your problems fall into.
| Worries | Percentage |
| Things that never happen | 40% |
| Things over and past that can’t be changed by all the worry in the world | 30% |
| Needless worries about health | 12% |
| Petty, miscellaneous worries | 10% |
| Real, legitimate worries | 8% |
If you think about it, 92% of all worries are unnecessary worries that you don’t possess the power to do anything about. All you can do is embrace them as a part of life and carry on as if they don’t exist.
Of course, that’s usually easier said than done.
But we can feel a lot better if we learn to control our worries rather than letting them control us. We may not be able to control and cut out all our worries because sometimes horrible, unpredictable things happen to us and our loved ones.
But if we convince ourselves that most worries don’t matter as much as we initially think they do, we can calm ourselves down and respond more effectively to them once we reframe our understanding.
Look back and consider how many stressors were truly important and actually worth sacrificing your happiness and well-being over. I bet that you can’t even remember what you worried about 3 days ago. Since you can’t remember, it clearly wasn’t important.
The key to dealing with stress is to change the tone in which you talk to yourself. Instead of talking negatively and letting stress control you, remind yourself that it’s a temporary obstacle, not a life-changing problem that needs to be solved immediately. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll accept and let go of things that serve no purpose in your life.
Having said that, here’s why you should let go of everything that doesn’t make you happy.
Free yourself from what weighs you down
By letting go of the things you love, you won’t just free yourself from memories that keep you trapped in the past, but also allow yourself to grow. You’ll open your heart up to new possibilities and experience happiness in ways that currently seem impossible.
You may struggle to leave it all behind on the spot because letting go takes time and patience, but that’s okay. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. The truth is, if something is difficult and makes you anxious, it’s all the more important to let it go.
It’s important that you put some distance between reality and expectations so that you can take a deep breath and see things from a clearer perspective. When you do that, you might even realize that a little bit of distance was all you needed to break free and that you can finally enjoy your life the way you deserve to enjoy it.
Sometimes you just need to disconnect and enjoy your own company.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still in love with someone and hope he or she will return your love and care. It also doesn’t matter if you desire something so intensely that it causes you stress or anxiety.
If the thing or person in question is giving you anxiety and you want to be happy (which you should), you should cut out the stressors in your life that you lack the power to do anything about.
By letting them go, you’ll do everyone involved a favor.
- You’ll free yourself from pain and anxiety.
- And you’ll allow the people who don’t give you what you need to move on and feel respected and in control.
It’s a win-win for everyone.
If you’re still contemplating letting go of an ex or someone who doesn’t want to be close to you, remember that you can’t forcefully bring people back into your life. By holding on to them, you’ll likely just smother them, annoy them, increase their need for space, and prolong their and your suffering.
You’ll make things difficult for all of you and need much longer to recover. So let go of anyone who doesn’t appreciate you anymore. Let go of acquaintances, partners, ex-partners, friends, and yes, even family members.
Someone who loves you will never betray you, push you away, and appear happy without you. The man or woman will instead show you how much you matter to him or her by investing time, feelings, and money in you.
With that said, here are a few things you shouldn’t hesitate to let go of if you respect yourself and want to be happy.
Basically, let go of everything and anyone you can’t change or influence with love and willpower. Let go of it completely—and your worries will soon disappear.
Why is letting go so important?
Staying hopeful about something or someone you can’t control is far more harmful than letting go and moving on. It’s harmful because hope alone doesn’t change anything.
All hope does is prolong the inevitable (that which is going to happen whether you worry about it or not) and cause more pain and suffering in the long run.
People who stay in denial and refuse to let go of what’s bad for them often develop psychological problems. They unknowingly create deep-seated trust issues and suffer from anxiety attacks that make their lives feel like a living hell.
Such people put so much hope on something they love that they brainwash themselves, forget their worth, and refuse to let go of the past. As a result, they become codependent on external factors for happiness and lose their purpose in life.
If you notice that something you love makes you anxious, and you can’t seem to let it go, I strongly recommend seeking professional help. Consult a mental health professional and work together to understand why you’re struggling to gather the strength to start letting go.
You might realize that it’s got something to do with your upbringing and/or with the circumstances that shaped you into the person you are today. Either that or you just never learned to let go of control.
Use this time to come to terms with the unfortunate turn of events and focus on healing, learning, and rebuilding your sense of peace and direction.
How to let go of something/someone you love?
Letting go of someone you love or something you can’t have takes time. It’s a tedious process that requires understanding, patience, and a lot of self-love.
So before you even give acceptance a try, bear in mind that letting go of something or someone who hurt you won’t happen overnight. In fact, the emotions you’ve invested will take time to fade.
If you invested 10 years of emotions in someone, and that person cut you off, ghosted you, or cheated on you, he or she triggered killer separation anxiety and various fears. That man or woman cut the stream of daily happy hormones, made you emotionally dependent for happiness and healing, and forced you to go through the stages of a breakup for the dumpee.
To recover from rejection, you’ll first have to deal with devastating pain, let go of the expectations of your ex coming back, knock your ex off the pedestal, and last but not least, find happiness within yourself.
Depending on your self-esteem, strength, and ability to distract yourself, this is something that could take months. The time to full recovery depends on how much your ex means to you.
If it’s a lot, and you’re starving for validation, it will probably take you at least 8 months to fully recover. It might take even longer if it’s your first breakup and you’re in denial.
No matter how difficult the breakup has been, keep moving forward. Most people have to let go of someone they love at least once in life. And if others can do it, so can you. You just need to stay determined and remember that people come and go. Oftentimes, it’s not your fault, as they develop negative views and the grass is greener syndrome.
Affirmations to let go of something you love
If you love something and that something no longer serves you the way you want it to serve you, let it go. Distance yourself from it and look forward to life without it. When you start doing that, you’ll gradually stop worrying about it and think about things that truly matter to you. Things like your friends, family, and hobbies that make you feel good.
A great way to start fresh is to practice positive moving-on affirmations.
You can write them down, say them out loud, or think them in your head if you want. It doesn’t matter how you practice them as long as you believe they work and put your heart into them.
If you don’t believe in their effectiveness, I can tell you that they won’t help you. They’ll just waste your time and increase your suffering. So take them seriously and give them an honest try. After a week or two, you should notice an improvement in your thoughts and feelings.
Here are some letting-go affirmations you can start practicing today. Practice them multiple times a day for maximum effect.
- The past is in the past. I am moving forward.
- From now on, I care only about things and people that are important to me.
- I love myself too much to worry about something/someone that is no longer a part of my life.
- Life is too short to stay miserable. I am going to stay positive and move on with my life.
- I’m letting go of everything that is not meant for me.
- Everyone makes mistakes, and so do I. I was able to grow because of them—and I’m happy that I did.
- I’m grateful for everything positive in my life. That’s why I’m staying positive for myself and those important to me.
- I can feel myself letting go of unhealthy attachments. I’m becoming my old happy self again, and it feels great.
Practice these affirmations, and they’ll help you let go of something you love. Just make sure to stay positive and work on letting go of the notion that you may still be able to salvage your situation.
If it’s a person you’re worried about – a toxic friend or an ex, remind yourself that things unfolded the way they did for a reason. You and that person weren’t on the same wavelength for a while, so you cut the bond and went your separate ways.
Nobody knows if the person who chose to walk away from you will come back and/or treat you fairly. That’s okay, though; it’s not something you should worry about right now because you have a responsibility to look after yourself.
You’ve got to do what’s best for you and distance yourself from the source of pain.
If you love something other than a person, however, something like a lost job or a house you lived in, try to accept the fact that they’re gone and tell yourself that it’s not the end of the world. Tell yourself that you’ve been through difficult situations before and that you’ll be okay no matter what happens.
Life is full of unpredictable events, but fortunately, you get to decide what kind of thoughts you think and how much your thoughts weigh you down.
If you think positive thoughts and accept negative occurrences as a part of life, pain will be significantly lower than if you cry and wallow in despair every time life gives you lemons.
I know that anxiety can be extremely difficult to break free from, but try to stay positive. If you gather your strength, force yourself to think and feel positive emotions, and practice self-love every day, you should slowly regain control of your life and determine how you feel.
As Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about.” So think letting-go thoughts and find inner peace by accepting reality and moving on with your life. You deserve peace and happiness.
Is there something you love and want to let go of? Is it a person? Let us know what or who you’re trying to let go of by commenting below.
And also, if you want our help with letting go, click here to sign up for coaching and get in touch. Together, we’ll talk things through and come up with the best plan.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Actually, Zan, that last statement of yours “That someone who loves you won’t discard you..try very hard to stay in love with you also and do best for you to stay committed to..” is blatantly false. I truly deeply love and want my ex, though I broke up with him all the same. Why did I break up? Because the truth was, I realized God gave everyone who is single and never married, the God-given right to pick who to marry, as long as they were in the Lord. Well my ex was in the Lord, but he still was not going to be kept. It was/still is difficult to get over that love, and as God says truthfully in His word, in Song of Solomon 8:7 – and yet I never went back. Unlike most dumpers, I never went back and kept my word, despite the deep pain and love and respect I had for him. Also, its rather hypocritical given the content of this article – because by your logic, “If you love something, let it go” – so its rather hypocritical for you to say the opposite. All the same, you need some reality checks and I sincerely hope you do rather than lie to your readers who are all willing to believe a lie. Hopefully, you will have learned the error of your false teaching.
Hi Emily.
A lot of the content I write is fact-checked. Sometimes I even quote other sites and authors and link to them. I hope you got some useful information out of it.
Best regards,
Zan
I’m sorry but after reading some of your articles, you are wrong to suggest for a married couple to divorce, if they haven’t done so and you are inaccurate about that if you love someone, you set them free and if they truly are meant to be yours, they will come back to you. By that logic, you can let go of a mutual loving partnership with a dating person, even when no breakup occurs. If someone wants to be single for the rest of their life, I’m personally support that person’s decision as much as it is someone’s choice to love someone who has dumped them. Who are you to say that they are wrong for not dating again? The reality is that they don’t need to. If a relationship has gone bad, and yet the other person still loves them – albeit at a respectful distance, that’s okay! It shows them to be a person of compassion and not a person who has become cold. That doesn’t mean they should be disrespected, though. When I dumped my ex despite loving him and mutually wanting to be together, I realized I had the God-given right to not settle and that it was okay to want for a man who was wiser. I eventually was lead by God to meet a new man who is now my husband. I also need to be brutally honest about your suggestions for people who you ask to “move on” to consider legalized gaslighting, brainwashing, etc – i.e – the psych industries i.e – lying. I was a former victim now survivor of the psych industries, and I can’t describe how much times I was treated worse and was even sexually assaulted by one of those people – not just once but twice. Say what you will about people who disrespect and cheat, indeed they are bad, but that pales honestly in comparison to being lied to, brainwashed, and sexually assaulted and then drugged by a professional paid to hear your troubles and pains, rather than family or seek God for help. For someone who claims to want to help, you failed on that regard. That’s for you and God to resolve, and hopefully soon, before you may suggest another abusive harmful practice again. It contradicts not only what you say in this or many of your articles, but yourself as well. No one deserves legalized lying, especially with drugging and sexual assault or worse. Yes, there are people who are even murdered by the psych industries – I would strongly encourage you to seek the actual truth in God and the Bible, but that is between you and Him and hopefully, you will realize the error of your ways soon and make amends for it. God bless!
As atheist, im offended by this.
No contact for you.
Dear Zan
I just went through a very harsh and life altering break-up.
In my many hours of researching the internet and Youtube to help me tide over this traumatic experience, I came across your blog.
I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart as your articles (this one and the one where you cannot force someone to love you) have helped me achieved some clarity and to have a guidepost to move forward.
I have went for paid counselling but your articles have been a lot more helpful than professional counselling.
Thank you very much once again and for the sake of many hurt souls out there, please continue your excellent work.
Sincerely
Y from Singapore.
Zan,
Thank you for this, and every other article you wrote on similar topics. I literally have read them all on this site.
I am in the worst kind of way about my situation. About six months ago, I decided that I was mentally unhealthy so I needed to break it off with my wife of three years and partner three years prior. We’ve been through it all and still had massive amounts of love for each other. However, in February of last year I decided that I was unhealthy mentally and addicted to sex and marijuana. I know, it sounds stupid, but I literally couldn’t get past the weed and the porn. I also was monkey branching to another, much younger female at work. So, I decided to tell my wife I wanted a divorce. She was really hurt and rightly so. I even did it on our anniversary, which was even more painful. I told her however, that I was going to rehab first and then we could sort through everything after I got back. I went to rehab for 40 days and still wasn’t cured of the sex addiction. I told her before I got back that I still wanted the divorce because I wasn’t healthy yet. So, the day I was to return, she loaded up my truck with most of my shit and told me to go live with my mother. I took my dog and cat and left. She was angry and didn’t want me in the house because of corona and me not wanting to work on our issues, just my issues. We did have a few issues in our relationship, but most of them were due to me being a complete mess. At the ages of 7-10 I was molested by my priest and never told anyone about it until I was 27 years old. My wife was the first person I told. I also had an abusive father and that made me never want to have children because I didn’t want to ever be like him. However, I lied to my wife and told her I would try. We did try for a while but because of my constant masturbation and the massive intake of marijuana, I became nearly infertile, so I knew it would be rare if we were to have a child. I also told myself that if we did conceive, that I would just kill myself. Nevertheless, one year into trying to have a child with her, I told her the truth. I told her I could not have a child and that I would kill myself if I did. I immediately started seeking counseling to deal with these issues. However, what was done was done and she was hurting really bad. She started looking into artificial insemination and that enraged me, and I don’t even know why, I didn’t want children. Anyway, when I got back from rehab, and staying at my mothers, things for me only got worse I started smoking again and my sex addiction got out of control. That house to me was the world’s biggest trigger. She still held out hope for us even though I was in an awful place. About a month after staying with my mother she asked if we could work things out or if I still wanted a divorce. Me, being completely messed up, said that I still wanted the divorce and from there she said find, them I’m done. She took all our pictures together down and wiped the entire house clean to look like I was never there. However, we still talked daily into the first month after signing the initial divorce papers. As soon as I signed them I wanted to die. I still loved her like crazy and she was my biggest support. That first month was like we were first talking again. She was looking very happy however, and I was in despair. I was the dumper and started feeling massive separation anxiety. Right after the first month into the initial divorce papers were signed, she started seeing someone else and put me in immediate no contact. I couldn’t handle it and tried to kill myself. I texted her that I was going to do it and she sent the police, but still never responded. I felt like she completely didn’t care anymore and thought, oh well it’s not my problem. After I got out of the hospital, I did all the wrong things. I tried contacting her and tried writing letters to tell her I’m sorry and wanted to reconcile before the final papers came through, but she was very cold and told me that that would never happen and that she wants me out of her life. Now I feel like she is the dumper and I am the dumpee. It’s been about 10 days since I’ve contacted her, but before this, I’ve literally tried everything to Win her back. Nothing has worked and I’m feeling heartache like never before. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone and she won’t even address our issues we me. She won’t even talk to me. She is in this new relationship for nearly two months now and it seems like things are hot and heavy and that she is in love again, but with someone else. It’s killing me, because I don’t even want anyone else. I just want her back. I’ve been trying everything to “let her go”, but I can’t get her out of my mind. I’m telling myself that I accept what has happened and that she is happy in her new relationship, but it doesn’t seem to be sticking. I tell myself that if I love her than let her go, but I only seem to have hope and dream about the day she will come back to me. Chances are probably very slim though. I have been working on myself like crazy however. I got myself back into shape and have been going to counseling three times a week. I found a new job and I am working on my real estate license. I’m finding purpose in my life finally, but I can’t even share it with her. I have life goals now that I am sober and doing great on the outside world. I dream of someday giving her a child and raising it together, but she has moved on. Maybe it’s only a rebound and maybe she’ll come around and see how well I’m doing, but inside I’m hurting like crazy. I know I have to just keep on the right path and keep working on myself, but the pain is sometimes unbearable.
Even if what you say will hurt, please give me any advice you have. I really enjoy how knowledgeable you are on this stuff and could use anything right now.
Thank you,
-Justin
Hi Justin, I’m not Zan but I am an ex-wife of a man who also sabotaged our marriage and I can tell you what I think from my own perspective if Zan allows this post through (at your discretion, Zan!). My exhusband also had trauma from his childhood and I’m sure I don’t even know the major parts. After having children, which he resented, he used family TNT in all forms he could stomach and blew up our lives. I tried so hard to fix things with him and once he pushed me over the edge, all trust and respect for him was gone. He later wanted to repair things, and for me there was no possible way. I will never be able to rest easy with him again. It’s sad, but true. I just wanted peace, love, a happy family and a good life. I wasted too many years and I have cut my losses, and I think it propelled him to do much better in his healing journey than if I had stayed with him.
I have found with people that there is a general rule which is pretty safe to live by: past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. I have dated men who cheated in the past and have “changed” their lives since, only to find them later on online dating sites on the low. Or men that had treated their girlfriends poorly in the past but he has since “changed” and then within a year he is treating me the same way. It takes people an enormous amount of time and effort to change and make it stick, if they manage to do so at all. I’m talking sometimes a decade or more. And this isn’t to say that these people don’t want to change (many do!), but rather I believe lifestyles, thought patterns, core beliefs etc are not easy to change.
The threats to kill yourself in the manner you did can be viewed as a type of emotional blackmail and manipulation. She did care about you, that’s why she called the police. She was not obligated to remain a martyr for a man who repeatedly hurt her, which is likely a reason why she chose not to talk to you in that one particular text situation.
If you love her, you must, must let her go, with absolutely no expectations. Let her live her life and be happy. If she ever came back, look at that as a pure bonus, and never bank on it. There is still a chance for a fulfilling, meaningful and happy life for you and she is not an essential part of your equation, though it may currently feel so strongly that she is. You do need to work on yourself and get to a healthy spot. Six months is a short period of time, you need more time, I can guarantee it.
Some things you can ask yourself: do you really want children or do you just want to be with her and therefore you are willing to take children with it?(Be honest with yourself). Do you think you had a codependent relationship with her? Do you think she will be happier and safer without you?
As for you. truly, my heart goes out to you. The abuse you suffered as a child really left you in pain that I cannot even imagine. You did not deserve that. I am glad to hear you are seeing a counselor and I hope you find abundant healing. I hope you forgive yourself for the things you did in the marriage and find a place of peace and acceptance. Do not give up on yourself, you are a very valuable soul, like all of us, including your ex-wife, I believe everyone has the potential to be a good partner and sometimes it takes a massive amount of work to get there. So, are you willing to become the person you want to be? Are you willing to let time take its course and you take action toward healing? Because besides the Man Upstairs, these are your best friends right now.
I’m not sure I agree with this. It’s a standard Hallmark sentiment which doesn’t help. It’s not about letting it go, it’s about not understanding why that person that affected you so deeply in emotions left, and you are finding it impossible to let go.
I was with someone for three years and so a year later, you would think there would be some level of moving on for me but there isn’t.
I am emotionally unavailable for others. I’m mournful inside. I’ve turned down liaisons with people because I just feel dead in my heart. I feel it took such a beating, it’s just sick of trying to pick up the pieces and get excited again.
I don’t feel goodwill towards them. I don’t feel neutrality. I feel utter sorrow.
James, it’s because you felt that way (emotionally affected deeply), but they didn’t (anymore). Perhaps at one point yes your ex did feel strongly about you, but the fact that they broke up with you means that they didn’t feel that way about you anymore. Their feelings changed, grew cold. Their attraction to you and their interest level dropped to the point that they didn’t want you in their life anymore as a romantic partner. But because you go on how you felt about them, you can’t understand it. Your feelings are only yours. It doesn’t mean that the other person feels the same way in return. And that is what is so difficult to believe when you have been in a relationship with them, because there was a point where it did feel mutual. But believe and accept that it’s not that way now. Don’t force yourself to let go of how you feel about your ex. Or put a deadline on it. Zan has explained in other articles that it is normal to still think of your ex months or years later. It’s not a switch you can just turn off. I know, hearing people tell you to move on, sounds terrible. You seem to be grieving still because of the sadness within you and “feeling dead” inside. Try to take care of yourself by eating well, sleeping well, exercising, finding things that give you pleasure or that used to give you joy. And don’t force yourself to feel okay, when you’re not feeling it. Your ex obviously meant so much to you. That my friend tells me you have a capacity to love. So with time you will love new things, places and eventually other people. Accept that the situation was not how you wanted it to turn out. But it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t change it. It is what it is. Tell yourself you’re trying to be at peace with it. And just repeat it until one day it will be the truth.
“That my friend tells me you have a capacity to love”
I had a capacity to love. But I’m not so sure now. I don’t love anything anymore. I look with a dull heart of stone on things I used to enjoy, things I used to love.
And there is no way I want to risk feeling like this again about someone else in future. How is it worth it? I’ve lost a year of precious life feeling like I’m being buried alive in manure.
As you get older, each year is more and more valuable. Spending a whole year like this is utterly profligate but there’s nothing I can do about it. It doesn’t work to pretend I’m doing fine. Fake it till you make it doesn’t work for me.
All I’ve done is work, work, work. That’s it. I’ve built my own company from scratch. It’s going well. But it’s not fulfilling. It’s just been a distraction.
I appreciate your comment June, and what you’re trying to say. But I think these platitudinal statements and mantras aren’t subtle enough.
I’ve eaten well. I’ve slept a lot. I’ve exercised. It doesn’t do anything. And nor does time. I still have the same pang I had over a year ago. All these things which are constantly promoted as “fixes” just don’t fix anything at all.
Dear James,
Time doesn’t heal anything, but the self-care I advised you to do, does help you. Whether you notice it or not at this moment. It isn’t a fix, but a way to at least keep the foundation of your body and mind as healthy as it can be. Whenever stressed or in a crisis or period of sadness and mourning, revert back to the basics: sleep, eat, move, repeat. Listen, James your capacity to love is within you. You don’t lose it just because someone didn’t feel the same way about you. You ask how is it worth it? Well you are worth it to be loved back in the way you love. To find an equal. If you just close off for the rest of your life, how is that worth it? The ex that didn’t love you, gets to have that kind of an impact on you. Is that person worth it? Of course not. Fake it till you make it doesn’t work for me either. I can’t fake things, feelings, words etc. You don’t have to fake anything. Just allow yourself to heal in your own time. I understand that you look at things with a dull heart of stone, even after a year. But you have to trust me. Give it time. One day something will bring a smile on your face again and you will not even have noticed the progress you’ve made unaware of it. I promise you that that moment come as a surprise. You’ll say to yourself: wow, I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this. I know that your accomplishments at work don’t feel fulfilling at this moment. Again, sorry to repeat myself, but you need to give it time. It will happen. I promise this will pass. Here are some silly tips. Perhaps they work for you or otherwise just ignore them: look at standup comedy, watch funny YouTube video, watch video’s about puppy’s or small animals, anything to make you smile. Or an old advertisement from when you were a child. Something that brings back the safety and warmth of when you didn’t have a care in the world. Perhaps do something or play a game you did as a child. As meaningless as it may seem. Did you like painting as a child? Then take a Saturday midday and paint. Or go buy candy that you used to like. Anything that you’ve stopped doing once you became a “grownup”. If all fails then just watch the Bacardi Rum advertisement from the eighties. If that doesn’t make you feel better for a few moments, I don’t know what will 🙂
Hi James,
June is right. I am a woman who was set free by my ex boyfriend coz he said im not happy with him or he cannot make me happy. For weeks I felt like dying inside. For weeks, I suffered all day thinking how unfair he was. Ive chased and begged and told him that he is the one i want to spend my life with. But he is stubborn and doesnt want to go back to me.
Trust me. Right now we’ll feel all the resentment and hurt, but maybe, maybe our stars are really not aligned and we are meant for someone else.
We just need to accept the fact that things happened for a reason.
Dear Zan and other readers,
I have been reading these articles for more than a year and they have helped me in many ways. What I would like to know from you but also from other readers: so what if my ex is coming back? How can I live with the knowledge that while going through those stages of the dumper in which he finally came to realize that it is me he wants, he had a great year? He has done many nice things, forgot all about me, had sex with a new girlfriend etc etc. So to be short: why would I (why would you) take somebody back that might actually really regret, but was able to be without me (or you) easily for an entire year? How would you guys deal with that?
Good question. I think if he can go off for a year and live it up but truly believes he wants to be with you, then he can be patient with you while he earns back your trust and love. If you don’t want him back, though, don’t take him back. If you aren’t comfortable with how he’s returned and you feel like it’s unfair and you will have resentment, don’t take him back. The question is: do you really want him (Do you trust him? Do you admire him? Do you want to grow old with him? Do you believe you can have a good future together?)?
I don’t think it’s awful that someone can live without you, as it may show a level of capability, adaptability and independence. What the issue should be is how is he treating you? Does he expect you to just jump back in his arms? Did he have any empathy or regret for the pain he caused you? Also, important to note: how did he treat the other girlfriend when they broke up and why did they break up? Was he respectful? Rude? Ghosting? I found that how my exes have treated their exes is usually how they ended up treating me.
Dear Mary,
Its interesting that you ask this question as i ask myself each day right now. My Girlfriend of 5 years left me at the end of 2018 and it left me crushed to the point of having anxiety attacks for almost a year. I never knew a break up would take this long to get over but i finally did by the end of 2019 and i almost immediately met a wonderful girl that i started dating in Jan 2020. After i had resolved to move on and before i started dating my new girlfriend she came back depressed to the point of calling my family and her family calling me to forgive her and take her back. This was really hard for me to see her going through the pain and i would have gone back out of sympathy.
The only thing that kept me from going back was remembering the feeling i got when she kept on ignoring me for almost 8 months as i begged and tried to reason with her. I was really desperate id text her and she would reply weeks later and i would still be happy that she had at least responded. It was until i got clarity that i realized how i had disrespected myself.
So in summary i decided not to take her back because i felt that i could not trust her and i felt that i would resent her for such a long time for her actions. I think it was the better and most logical decision.
Dear Robin,
Really pleased to hear you got over it. Anxiety attacks for a year sounds horrible. I had them for a long time before I slipped into depression, and they are the worst.
It sounds like you did the right thing. I know the feeling of being ignored and isolated so well. I know you say you disrespected yourself but give yourself a break. You were with her for five years and were clearly all in with love for her. Being chucked away and ghosted after that is amongst the most awful and painful things anyone has to go through.
I do feel for your ex. Not many people have sympathy for the person who makes the mistake of leaving and it would have taken some courage for her to speak to people and tell them she had been wrong. It’s embarrassing, particularly if she had felt relief when it ended. It’s a rollercoaster.
I’m perhaps fortunate (or maybe not?) that my ex of more than a year now doesn’t want me back and clearly has no regrets at all about her decision. I’m fairly sure she’s moved on and it makes me feel even worse that I am nowhere near to moving on myself. But I suppose I at least don’t have to deal with an ex in the way you had to. Bravo on staying strong and looking forward.
Wishing you happiness.
James
Hi Mary.
If you were to get back with your ex, there are some you’d have to overcome. For starters, you’d have to let go of the fact that he hurt you and had a great time without you. You could do this by telling yourself that it’s not just your ex who’s happy after the breakup. Most dumpers feel relieved from the prolonged end of the relationship and prefer to distance themselves from that which makes them feel uncomfortable.
Moreover, if you keep working on yourself, you soon won’t need your ex back anymore. You’ll outgrow the pain and prioritize yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello Zan, this was the article I was looking for.
It has been 6 months since the breakup of my 13 years relationship.
It is really hard to let go, but I am trying and taking my time.
Its going to be a long journey.
Some days I do my best and sometimes not.
I am learning no to be to hard on myself and my mistakes, and don’t worry a lot about the past or the future.
I am trying to let go of someone I still love, but who doesn’t love me anymore, and its really hard but not impossible.
The people who love you will always be there no matter what. It took me 6 months to underatand that.
Who loves you will always find a solution and who doesn’t will always find an excuse.
Hi Elena.
You’re doing great. It’s perfectly normal to have bad days every now and then because that’s how healing works. It takes time and unfortunately, a lot of anxiety. So acknowledge your setback days as something you need to go through and allow yourself to grieve.
You’re absolutely right that someone who loves you won’t discard you. He’ll try very hard to stay in love with you and also, do his best for you to stay committed to him. I’m glad you’ve realized that.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m having one of those bad days today and this article and your comment Zan is exactly what the doctor ordered. I’m about two months out of a 3.5 year relationship. About two weeks before she broke up we exchanged small talk about what stage of our relationship we were in. Neither of us knew, we only knew it sure didn’t feel like the Honeymoon Stage. I’ve since learned we were in the Disillusionment Stage, characterized by either breaking up from the fighting or rolling up our sleeves and fixing the things that were broken, like communication. Right after breaking up, EVERYTHING that was wrong in the relationship became so transparent and so fixable, if we wanted. I did. She didn’t. Someone that truly loves you will want to fix it. In our case, we never even talked about our issues which is pretty sad actually. I thought, finally, we’re at the healthiest place we’ve been in a long time, but it wasn’t meant to be.
Thank you Zan and stay strong Elena!
I went through EXACTLY your same situation Simon with the same problems and feelings. For a second it sounded like I typed your post. I’m also almost two months in, although mine was a (short) marriage of six months before she chose to separate instead of rolling up the sleeves and fixing things that were broken because they were all fixable
There’s a worrying trend that a lot of the people who can’t be bothered to fix these things are women. The supply of new men – via apps etc – is just too easy for them. Why fix something when you can just get something new?
I don’t blame women at all for this. Society has created the situation. The incentives to fix things have, for them, been eroded. They don’t fear being on their own and they certainly don’t need to see their flawed man as the only chance they’ll get at happiness.
Only sadness lies ahead for us all I’m afraid.
The title of the article should really be, “If someone wants to leave you, let them go,” The current title gives way too much respect and credit to Dumpers who opt for the easy answer and can’t muster the intestinal fortitude to do the hard work of making a relationship work. This past April-June somethig was really different in my relationship. My ex began playing a “word app game,” so she was spending alot of time on her phone. I voiced my concern given the attention and time drain, but not nothing changed. Having been cheated on in my last marriage, I know the danger of time on the phone, but I trusted her. Gee, do you think that could have been cover for spending time on her phone to do other things? Hmmmm….. And of course, it was my fault she didn’t/couldn’t talk to me about her issues in the relationship. It’s easier to create a alternate relationship with ficticious events. THAT is what cheaters do to justify their actions. If I love her, let her go? F that. The breakup was a blessing.
Hi Zan.I enjoy your posts for their sense and clarity so many thanks.
My 4year relationship ended 2months ago.
To say that i was blindsided is an understatement.
We had plans for this year.And then he told me he was going away for a vacation without me.
Our last meeting was March.He was rude and didnt want any intimacy.
April and May were no communication months.
I began to suspect that he was cheating.
Upon questioning，he said that he found someone else and that we had our time.And also that nothing i`d do would change his mind.
I wished him the best and that was our last contact.
I didnt beg nor pleaded for him to stay.No dramas.
He messaged the next day to ask if I was okay.
I think this “if you love someone you let them go is so ttrueFor me i had to really dig deep and ask myself if i truly loved him.i do care stil.
Hi Kay.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex cheated on you and left for someone else. You must now love yourself with everything you’ve got and let him go to become happy with yourself again.
I know it’s only a matter of time before you rationally discern that cheating is one of the worst sins he could have committed.
Hang in there, Kay!
Zan
It’s been a long time since the breakup. Happened in late October. One last fight and he used it as a way out, we have not spoken since. We had one conversation at that time where he cried for an hour in my lap saying useless things like I’ll always love you & this isn’t goodbye. Turns out those were lies because I haven’t seen or heard from him since that conversation in October. It’s been hard to let go I think due to my lack of closure after having an almost 2 year long relationship come to a complete and sudden end. Also my first ever relationship, his too. Our relationship was also very loving, probably too co-dependent but there was no screaming, lying, cheating, none of that. I want to let go so badly and part of me has but part of me still wishes for respect and empathy from this person.
It’s okay to wish for empathy, Lauren.
Your ex broke your heart and showed no concern whatsoever. Proabably because he considers himself a victim.
Be glad that he isn’t communicating with you. You can solely focus on yourself and let him go quicker this way.
Best regards,
Zan
I struggled today. Almost called him. Thanks for keeping me sane with your articles.
I’m glad the articles help, Karen.
Stay strong and don’t reach out.
Kind regards,
Zan
So my ex and I have broken up since April, I went into no contact since 2nd May and she messaged me on the 19th because she was having some problems. Well I helped her with her emotional issues but then she didn’t contact me again (so I learned it was just breadcrumbing). After realizing that, I went back into No contact all the way till now and read books, working out etc, improving myself constantly. However today, I saw on instagram she tried to message me? I didn’t follow her on instagram so it came back as an “approval request” to receive her message, so I accepted but then theres no message?
I assume she sent me a message, then deleted her message. Is this some sort of breadcrumbing or does she miss me then decide to message but then thought the better of it and deleted her message? Whatever it is, I’m still in no contact atm and didn’t want to act impulsively until I hear some advice. Would appreciate some advice on what to do, thanks Zan! Read so much of your articles and they really helped me improve so much in 2 months than in the past 5 years.
Wow! What a detailed post Zan, I appreciate your passion so much. But I have a request, could you make a post discussing how to handle social media in no contact? Because my ex blocked me but still uses a fake account to stalk me. Should I let her know how I am doing or disappear completely?
Yours sincerely!
I’m genuinely curious how people know they are being stalked via fake accounts. I’ve heard this numerous times. Is this a guess? Or do these people ‘like’ posts or try to friend you? Or do friends tell you what they are up to?
BTW I would leave all alone if she broke up with you. If she wants to know how you are doing bad enough, she will ask. Offering that info will set you back and also not make positive feelings come to her. It may be a blessing in disguise for you, not being able to see what she is up to so it actually may be easier for you to forget after you’ve left the grieving period and being to recover. I’m a firm believer in not changing social media habits, just be you, don’t post anything because of her.
Hi Wilson.
Thanks for the topic recommendation.
I suggest that you don’t lay a trap for your ex on social media because aiming posts at her or posting it just for her is unnecessary and oftentimes makes the plan backfire. Some dumpers get annoyed and unfollow or block the enthusiastic dumpee.
If you’re going to take the social media route, my advice to you is to post only the best of the best and forget that she’s checking up on you. Behave as if you don’t know because it’s only a matter of time before she gets bored of it.
Sincerly,
Zan
Today is my birthday and I’m in 5m of no contact. Feb 9th I finally prioritized myself and told my ex that unless he wants to have me in his life unconditionally, I’m moving forward. It’s been a devastating time letting him go but every day feels slightly better. Today being my birthday I decided that starting tomorrow I will not mention his name Again to my friends , therapist or anyone who’s known our story. The past is the past and unless he returns and wants to make amends, I will continue to focus on myself.
I still miss him but I miss myself before he came into my life much more. I remain optimistic and this article came at the perfect time as tonight is the final time I will discuss him and let go of any shred of false hope. Thank you Zan.
It was also my birthday this week and I”m sad to say that I had some residual l hope that he would reach out to me; or course he did not. It’s been 3 months. I also used my birthday as a time to draw a line and try again to let go. This article also came at a perfect time for me, it’s really helped me look forward and try to leave the past in the past. The affirmations are great and a posted up in the kitchen so I see them every day.
Hi Molly.
Happy belated birthday!
Letting your ex go was the best thing you could have done for yourself. I assure you that you’re going to heal at a much faster rate now that you finally prioritize yourself.
I encourage you to talk about your ex only if you’re struggling emotionally. But if you’re not and you feel like you got your old self back, there’s absolutely no need to keep the obsession alive. Let it go and focus on productive things instead.
You’re doing great, Molly! Keep it up!
Zan
I don’t know what to say… I’m speechless from this article. All your articles are amazing but this… it’s what I needed to hear today and everyday that I feel bad I will read this. Life changing article
God bless you Zan 🤍
Thank you for reading, Linda.
I’ll make sure to write more detachment articles.
Best regards,
Zan
Fantastic article Zan and thank you for those affirmations; I screen shot them!
Funny, I can let go of toxic friends, jobs, bad decisions, have zero fear about the current pandemic and yet, it’s taken years (3 1/2 of them) to let go of my ex! Mostly because we’ve had a lot of hot/cold stuff but it’s my fault for allowing that.
I can say that I’m at least back to my old personality after two years of a dark depression. I still have a lot of work to do but this article definitely helped.
Keep up the awesome work! We’re out here and you are making a difference!
Hi Cecily.
Thanks for the comment.
You can let go of toxic friends and bad decisions because you didn’t get that attached to them. They were just a part of your life, whereas your ex completely captivated you for many months and unknowingly used the push-pull technique to make you dependent on him.
I’m glad that you let him go, Cecily. You can once again be at peace.
Kind regards,
Zan
Great advice as usual Zan! I have experienced this personally and I can now declare ( after 9 months) I am totally over my breakup. At first, it felt like my world was over, but surely enough, after I made that decision to let her go and move on, it got better and better. I even met someone new lately and she is an amazing woman! Never, never look back my friends. Also, I am very thankful to God as well. My Christian faith has given me so much hope throughout my journey. Trust God my friends, he will give you true hope!
That’s so inspiring, it’s helpful to know there is light at the end of the tunnel when we seem to be surrounded by darkness. Looking forward to brighter days.
Hi Evan.
I’m happy that you detached from your ex and found someone new to love and be loved by. This is the way life is. You have to let go in order to love again.
Thank you for the uplifting words!
Zan