Updated on July 30, 2025
Broken-hearted dumpees often tell themselves, “I’ll get my ex back—and I’ll do it within a certain number of days.” They make bold promises and set unrealistic deadlines that they almost never follow through with. It’s not that they don’t want to make it happen, but that getting back with their ex is out of their control.
They can’t control when or if they’ll get their ex back because their ex’s return depends on their ex’s failures, unmet needs, pain, realizations, and regrets. Dumpees can’t make their ex nostalgic with sheer willpower alone, which is why the most hopeful dumpees often end up disappointed when their efforts fall short of expectations and push their ex even further away.
Most dumpees initially regret making relationship and breakup mistakes and want their ex back. They’re so hurt that they’re willing to wait for their ex to realize their worth through some kind of reflection-triggering failure. Many times, they’re okay even with their ex seeing someone else and coming back to them afterward.
Their self-esteem has been so damaged by their ex that they’re happy to take their ex back despite their ex forming a new intimate connection with someone else. They’d prefer their ex not to date anyone, of course, but they often want their ex back even if their ex moves on and/or says or does mean things to them.
I suppose they’re so hurt that they cling to the hope of getting their ex back and feeling better.
Although there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get your ex back, making statements like, “I’ll get my ex back,” can be very detrimental to your healing. It can make your post-breakup time entirely about reconciliation, which in turn stalls your detachment and self-improvement.
Don’t forget that your ex was the one who left and that if anyone should get an ex back, it’s your ex. Your ex is the dumper, and that makes him or her responsible for coming back, apologizing, and promising not to leave again and to communicate problems and feelings better. You mustn’t chase your ex and try to convince your ex to come back. If you do that, you’ll put immense pressure on your ex and risk bringing a negative reaction out of him or her.
A negative reaction could be anything from responding coldly or angrily to not responding at all. If you’re not ready for unwanted responses and additional rejections, it’s best not to think that your job is to show your ex you regret things and deserve another chance. Even if you’ve learned your lessons and fixed parts about you that your ex didn’t like, your ex must be the one to reach out and come back. If it’s the other way around, you’ll give your ex your remaining power and make your ex dislike you more.
So if you’re determined to get back with your ex, understand that making promises to yourself or others about rekindling the relationship won’t change the outcome. It will just keep you obsessed and attached and make your ex respect you less. It’s hard for your ex to like you when your life mission is to reconcile and feel loved and needed.
Your ex can like you only if you like yourself and don’t need him or her back to feel secure. That’s because exuding healthy self-esteem, independence, and strength eases your ex’s guilt and makes your ex curious. The less you need your ex and the fewer mistakes you make, the bigger the chance that your ex will miss the good times when life gives him or her lemons.
Always remember that reconciliations depend on dumpers, not dumpees. Dumpers don’t want to get back together, so they must live their life without the dumpee, learn valuable lessons, get hurt, and have no choice but to run back to a person who never stopped loving them.
Reconciliations occur when dumpers let go of the negativity they associated with their ex and understand their ex’s worth. They mustn’t just understand it but also crave it and wish to rely on their ex for love and validation. That’s when they put in the work dumpees are willing to do and ask for another chance.
Whatever you do, don’t try to win your ex back with love letters, gifts, apologies, self-pity, or dramatic gestures. Your ex can’t be won back as if he or she is a prize to be won. Dumpees don’t “win” their exes back. That mindset suggests throwing away their dignity and persevering until their ex takes pity on them and agrees to give the relationship another chance.
If you want your ex back, you must understand that dumpees reconcile when dumpers run out of romantic options, aka backup plans. That’s when they start seeing their ex as someone who can help them cope with regrets, emotional pain, and life problems in general. They believe the fastest way to deal with negative feelings is to get back with an ex who still loves them and empowers them.
A common mistake dumpees make is to actively try to reconcile with their ex. Instead of going no contact and preserving their self-worth, they settle for friendship and stay in touch with their ex. They think they will change their ex’s mind if they communicate from time to time and show they can change.
Such dumpees don’t realize that dumpers have emotionally detached and that any attempt to impress them usually has the opposite of the desired effect. More often than not, it comes off as desperate and repulses dumpers beyond belief.
That’s why it’s super important not to act hurt and prevent your ex from moving on. If your ex wants to move on, your ex will do so no matter what you say and do. You won’t be able to stop your ex from distancing himself or herself from you. The quicker you accept that, the quicker you’ll give your ex the space he or she needs to feel respected and think positively about you.
In this post, we discuss why you shouldn’t tell yourself that you’ll get your ex back for sure—and what you should focus on instead.
Don’t tell yourself things like, “I’ll get my ex back”
Thoughts like “I’ll definitely get my ex back” often harm dumpees. Instead of promoting detachment, healing, and growth, they encourage dumpees to hold on to their ex for dear life and wait for their ex to want to be with them.
The conviction that they’ll get their ex back gives dumpees a false sense of control and hope, making it harder for them to let go and heal. It also prevents them from working on themselves and becoming the best version of themselves. They don’t grow as much as they could because they overfocus on impressing their ex and pulling their ex back in.
So if your goal is to get back with your ex, don’t prioritize reconciliation over growth and detachment. If you make reconciliation your top priority, you’ll neglect the things that need the most work and, by doing so, appear anxious and obsessed. You’ll likely scare your ex off when your ex becomes curious, feels guilty, and decides to check up on you.
Your ex mustn’t know that you’re in tons of pain, trying to reconcile. Your ex must think that you’re focused on moving on and that you’re doing just fine. When your ex sees you moving on and enjoying your life, chances are your ex will wonder why you’re doing so well without him/her.
Your ex might crave your attention or answers and start to redevelop romantic feelings. This, of course, also depends on other factors, such as how happy your ex is and whether your ex is seeing anyone. But the point is, unhappiness, pain, regret, obsession, and desperation don’t make the dumper regret leaving. What triggers regret is your happiness, sense of purpose, and emotional detachment. These things indirectly show that you’ve shifted your focus back to yourself and that you won’t spend your precious time and energy on someone who walked away.
You have more important things to do. Things that give your life purpose and bring you peace.
Your ex doesn’t bring you any peace. You may think that he/she does, but that’s because your ex wounded you deeply and made you dependent on him or her for self-love and healing. When you detach and regain your strength, you’ll see that your ex hinders your recovery, which is the exact opposite of what you need.
A day will come when you look back and realize that losing your ex wasn’t the end of the world but the start of something different. The breakup enabled you to break the attachment to your ex and invest in parts of yourself that you neglected throughout the relationship. Whether it was self-esteem, friendships, relationship skills, or life purpose, it’s given you a chance to make changes and secure a better future.
Having said that, here’s why you shouldn’t tell yourself you’ll get your ex back.
Think about the things you need to improve
Breakups suck big time, but they’re also golden opportunities to reflect on shortcomings and make positive, long-lasting improvements. They’re rare chances to pick up some self-help books, sign up for therapy, get in shape, and reflect on the relationship.
Every dumpee has things to work on, so don’t waste your post-breakup time thinking solely about getting your ex back. Remember that your ex feels relieved and needs some time to process relief as well as other breakup emotions. While your ex is going through the breakup stages, don’t expect your ex to suddenly want you back. It’s unlikely that your ex will want you back right away unless he or she is breaking up with you to get you to beg and extort power.
If this is a fakeup and your ex doesn’t really want to leave, your ex will come back after a few days of silence. That’s because your ex will fear losing you, especially to someone else.
My advice is not to waste too much time thinking about what you need to bring your ex back. Think about things you need to improve. Your desire to improve will keep you busy and promote your detachment, which will naturally make you more attractive. Your ex will respect you, too, because you won’t focus on feeling important through your ex’s validation.
In the worst-case scenario, you’ll grow within and have a better romantic relationship with someone else. You’ll win in the end because you’ll prepare yourself for the future ahead, instead of worrying about reattracting a person from the past.
Tell yourself you won’t get your ex back
I know it’s hard to lose hope and consider the possibility that your ex won’t come back, but what if I told you that you want to lose hope? What if losing hope means getting your happy self back, improving your self-love, moving on, and not thinking about your ex 24/7? Wouldn’t you prioritize feeling better over staying attached to your ex and feeling stuck?
I’m convinced you’re trying to get back with your ex because you’re hurting, not because your ex is such an amazing person and partner. You want another chance so you don’t feel rejected and unworthy of love and commitment. The breakup destroyed your sense of worth and direction, so you want your ex to restore balance to your life. That’s understandable.
However, you must recognize that your ex’s departure has a drug-like effect on you and that you should wean off your ex, rather than get close to him or her. Even though reconciling with your ex would instantly make you feel better, it’s not the solution when you have no idea whether your ex will fail to find happiness without you and come back to invest in you.
You can’t predict the future, so you have no choice but to self-prioritize and work on detachment. Do this by telling yourself your ex won’t come back and that you’ll be okay despite that. If you tell yourself you won’t reconcile, you’ll detach much quicker than if you intentionally look for signs your ex will eventually come back. It’s okay to understand when and why exes come back, but it’s not okay to refuse to let go of your ex due to pain and fear of the unknown/being alone.
Pain and fear are emotions all dumpees experience. I felt both of them intensely as well, but I knew I couldn’t act on them and give my ex even more power. I had to boost my self-love and live with joy and purpose. Because I was aware of that, I eventually stopped obsessing about my ex and attracted a better person.
You will, too, if you forget about doing something to get your ex back. Instead of making your single life about your ex, make it about yourself and spend time with people who deserve you. That way, you’ll allow yourself to move forward and make the most of your life.
Don’t be afraid of leaving your ex behind
I know it can be terrifying to let go of someone who abandoned you and tore your heart apart, but try to remember that your ex lacks romantic feelings and can’t help you feel better. If your ex wanted to take your pain away, your ex would have come back and committed to working on the relationship. Your ex would have done everything in his or her power to revive the broken relationship and keep it from breaking again.
Since your ex isn’t afraid of leaving it broken, you mustn’t be afraid either. You must give your ex space and freedom to enjoy life without you. While your ex is exploring his or her post-breakup life, it’s of utmost importance that you recognize your ex’s flaws and mistakes and accept the breakup.
Pain or not, you must consider the relationship over and start moving on with your life. Your healing will probably feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, but that’s okay. As long as you’re progressing, you’ll notice that you’re starting to think clearly and that your ex’s absence, betrayal, or judgment doesn’t affect you as much anymore.
That will be all the proof you need that you’re doing something right and that you can and will get over your ex. The speed at which you recover depends on the kind of thoughts you entertain, your support system, and how you spend your time. If you spend most of your days at home crying and feeling sorry for yourself, detachment will, without a doubt, take longer than it needs to.
That’s because you’ll keep reinforcing the belief that you need your ex to survive and force yourself to feel miserable.
Moving on requires a healthy mindset. Don’t expect to feel better anytime soon if you keep looking for reasons to hold on to hope and connect with your ex. You’ll heal and improve the most if you gain control over your thoughts and feelings. Once you stop letting your emotions control your decisions, you’ll learn to deal with breakup blues confidently and maturely.
I strongly urge you to stop thinking that you’ll get your ex back if you just play your cards right. You may want to control the situation, but control is just an illusion. You can’t change your ex’s mind just because you want to. People have free will, and that means your ex will only come back if he or she truly wants to.
And your ex will want to if things don’t go well for your ex and make your ex realize he or she was happier with you.
Reconciliations are nothing but backup plans. They happen when dumpers give single or taken life a chance and realize it’s not as fulfilling as they expected it to be. That’s when they get hit by nostalgia, loneliness, and regret—and begin to seek familiarity, comfort, and emotional security with a person who last gave it to them. Usually, they contact the last person they were in a serious relationship with.
All in all, be brave and focus on letting go of your ex. If you do that, your ex could notice your happiness and strength and want to be a part of your life when things get difficult.
Are you still committed to getting back with your ex at all costs? What are you doing to increase your chances of reconciliation? Post your breakup plans below.
However, if you agree with the no contact approach and want our help, reach out to us through our coaching program. We offer guidance via email, calls, and text sessions.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
