I Was A Rebound And It Hurts

I was a rebound and it hurts

If you were a rebound, your relationship with your ex probably lasted anywhere between a few weeks to a few months. It lasted until your ex decided that the relationship wasn’t giving him or her the emotional fulfillment of a normal/healthy romantic relationship.

Instead of feeling the desire to invest in the relationship and get to know you better, your ex focused on the reasons the relationship wasn’t making him or her happy and as a result, felt overprioritized, pressured, tired, and most of all, incapable of feeling positive feelings and returning your feelings.

He or she thought that something was wrong with the relationship when in reality, something was wrong with your ex. Your ex jumped into a new relationship way before he or she buried the past and became emotionally ready to put effort into a new emotional commitment.

What your ex needed to work on depends on whether your ex got dumped by the person before him/her or did the dumping himself/herself.

If your ex got dumped, your ex needed to regain confidence/identity, improve self-esteem, detach from the dumper, and find purpose in life. Your ex needed to heal by letting go of the expectations he or she still had of the dumper.

But if your ex left the relationship, then your ex needed to stay single and explore the world for a while. By doing so, your ex could have found himself or herself and processed the breakup in such ways that he or she wouldn’t get reminded and annoyed by the words, traits, and patterns that resembled his or her ex.

Regardless of whether your ex was the dumper or the dumpee, your ex needed to take at least a few months to himself or herself just to process things. This means no dating for as long as he or she felt overemotional (hurt and anxious) or underemotional (unable to reciprocate strong emotions and spend quality time with you).

Of course, your ex didn’t know this back then. Your ex just wanted to distract himself or herself from the past and hoped it wouldn’t catch up with him or her. But because it was a matter too big to sweep under the rug, it soon caught up with your ex and began to haunt your ex.

It told your ex that he or she had some unprocessed feelings created by the previous relationship and that he or she couldn’t move forward with them. That was when your ex first started experiencing doubts about being with you.

Those doubts slowly (one day at a time) snowballed into bigger doubts and made your ex realize that he or she wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship. Your ex couldn’t be ready because emotionally, your ex still lived in the past.

That means the reason most people rebound is very straightforward. People don’t take the time to heal and enjoy their own company. Society looks down on those without a partner, so they think that staying single is unattractive and that they must find someone new to admire and be admired by.

And they do just that. They log onto dating apps, contact an ex/a friend, and say yes to the first person who asks them out. By doing so, they immediately feel validated and reassured as they take comfort in knowing there are people out there who like them and want to be with them.

What such people are looking for isn’t love. It’s an ego boost, a time-killer, and someone to help them deal with their problems. Dumpees want to stop hurting whereas dumpers want to forget everything that happened and get the most out of life.

We could say that rebound relationships don’t last because they start for the wrong reasons. Instead of contributing to the relationship, the person rebounding expects to take what he or she can from the relationship and soon realizes there is nothing else to take.

That’s when the relationship quickly loses its momentum, deteriorates in communication and bonding, and makes the rebounding person feel pressured into putting in the effort to stay emotionally invested.

I was a rebound and it hurts

I was a rebound and it hurts

If you were a rebound who got hurt and feel even remotely responsible for breaking up, know that you couldn’t change how your ex felt about you even if you somehow picked up on your ex’s problems. Your ex was the one who needed to take them seriously, so talking to your ex about them wasn’t going to fix them.

Had you done that, you would most likely have created additional problems for your ex as your ex would have felt pressured to fix them in order to please you.

The only reasonable way of dealing with issues from the past was to wait a few months before dating you or conversely, explain why it was in both of your interests to take things slow for a while.

Slowing down the pace of the relationship wouldn’t have magically fixed everything, but it would have allowed your ex to focus on improving things that prevented him or her from feeling that you weren’t emotionally compatible with him or her.

It would have made it possible for your ex to feel supported by friends and family, get therapy, and do some soul-searching.

Many people just hope things will improve on their own without actually doing anything about them. They don’t understand that their emotional unavailability is a serious issue and that if they don’t fix it that they’ll lose interest in their partner and hurt him or her.

I suppose emotionally avoidant people feel too tired from the end of their previous relationship to do anything about their new relationship. They lack energy, so they bring their problems into their relationship and let it become stagnant (make it get stuck in the early stages of a new relationship).

By failing to make any emotional improvements, they essentially confuse and hurt their partner, starve their partner for recognition, and make their partner wonder what’s going on and what he or she did wrong.

If you were a rebound, you probably noticed that your relationship started fast and ended even faster. It seemed great at first because your ex could benefit from you, but when that stopped being the case, your ex began to show disinterest and pull away.

You may have noticed your ex was angry/impatient at times and that your ex preferred not to spend as much time together. This was a sign that your ex felt overwhelmed with your relationship expectations (which were healthy and normal) and that your ex could no longer ignore his or her problems.

Although an average rebound relationship lasts about 3 months, some rebounds drag on for half a year or longer. This is because some rebound couples create limitations that suit the nature of their rebound relationship.

A limitation can be anything that hinders the relationship from picking up the pace and turning into a healthy give-and-take relationship.

For example, a rebound couple could:

  • avoid expressing love and gratitude
  • avoid talking about the future
  • see each other only occasionally
  • hide their relationship
  • have an open relationship
  • settle for an unlabelled relationship

It’s not unusual for rebound couples to experience power imbalances and difficulties bonding. You have to remember that rebound couples expect the opposite things from each other and that they lack the patience and emotional strength to cope with the differences and difficulties they encounter.

They can’t deal with new problems when they haven’t even dealt with the past. That explains why they stop feeling infatuated and break up with their partner as soon as things get tough.

They often say something along the lines of:

You need to know that not every relationship that started soon after the breakup is a rebound relationship. Many if not most new relationships are regular relationships. Their probability of long-term success is no smaller than it is for relationships that start years after their previous relationship has ended.

Dumpers are already over their ex and can usually start a new relationship the day after they broke up with their ex. This is especially true for those who have no shame and remorse as well as those who make a promise to themselves to never again tolerate certain behaviors from romantic partners.

Such dumpers are hypervigilant and hypersensitive to the mistakes, behaviors, and differences their new partner displays.

Dumpees, on the other hand, are much more likely to rebound because they need months to process separation anxiety and let go of the past. They need to go through the stages of grief at their own comfortable pace and learn to work with the unfortunate turn of events.

That said, here are 6 reasons why your ex rebounded with you.

I was a rebound

How long does rebound pain last for dumpees?

You may have been your ex’s rebound, but that doesn’t make the separation any easier to deal with. A relationship that ends on a high is usually even more painful and difficult to process than a relationship that deteriorates slowly.

This is because you’re still infatuated with your partner and don’t expect the relationship to end. You see it growing and bringing your partner even closer to you.

Therefore, the end of the rebound relationship hurts so much because it catches you unprepared and shocks you. It destroys your expectations of the relationship and forces you to give up on your plans with your ex.

As for relationships that end slowly, they may hurt a tiny bit less, but they still hurt like crazy. Dying relationships tend to make dumpees extremely anxious as dumpees feel anxious and unsatisfied with the way the relationship is.

They see that their partner is losing interest, so they feel neglected and unimportant. This starves dumpees for validation and hurts them immensely when their partner finally breaks up with them.

Breakups in general hurt like hell. As long as you care about your partner, you can expect to suffer. How much you suffer, however, depends mainly on your self-esteem, your attachment style, coping mechanisms, and the things you do and don’t do after the breakup.

If you watch your ex like a hawk and hope your ex doesn’t start dating someone else, you’re going to stay anxious and suffer unimaginable pain when your ex goes on a date and shows romantic interest in other people.

So heed my warning and stay off social media. Unfollow your ex if you have to and ask your friends to keep you in the dark about your ex. The breakup will take time to recover from, but it will get much easier with time if you do strict no contact and do your best to distract yourself.

If you got very attached to your ex and your relationship was short-term (just a few months), it could take you just as long or even longer to get over the breakup.

But if you didn’t get super attached and your self-esteem is pretty good, then you’ll probably need a couple of months to accept that the relationship has ended and that you’ve got better things to do than mourn someone who never saw your true value.

Will my ex rebound with someone else too?

If your ex rebounded with you and you want to know if your ex will also rebound with the next person he or she dates, this depends on the work your ex does after the breakup. If your ex avoids dating for a few months and focuses on himself/herself, your ex will probably process the past and become emotionally ready for a new relationship.

This doesn’t mean that your ex will have a healthy relationship and stay in that relationship forever. All it means is that your ex will be ready to start a new serious relationship.

On the other hand, if your ex monkey-branches straight into another relationship and ignores self-work, then there’s a good chance that your ex will experience the same problems and break up for the same reasons.

I don’t have a crystal ball, but exes who rush tend to make the same mistakes. They blame others for their failures and lack of maturity. And they do that as long as it’s easier for them to avoid lowering their pride and taking responsibility.

If you want your ex back, you need to know that your ex has some work to do. Your ex has to engage in introspection and take his or her dumper ex off the pedestal. Or if your ex is the dumper, your ex must forgive himself or herself for hurting the dumpee and stop feeling relieved.

When your ex has done that, your ex will probably have to date for a while before he or she discerns your romantic worth and wants to be with you.

Some people go back to their rebounds after a while. But if that happens to you, you need to make sure that your ex has come back for the right reasons. The right reasons are love, regret, and emotional availability whereas the wrong reasons are rejection, guilt, and boredom.

Ask your ex why he or she came back and what has changed since the breakup before you consider getting back with your ex.

Were you a rebound and got hurt? How long ago did the breakup happen? Share your story in the comments section below.

And if you want to talk with us 1-on-1, sign up for coaching here.

22 thoughts on “I Was A Rebound And It Hurts”

  1. I was the rebound for a man and the “situationship” lasted only a few weeks. We would talk everyday, throughout the day. We went on dates to the museum and he introduced me to a lot of new restaurants. The signs were always there but I believed him when he told me that he wouldn’t go back to his ex. I had already developed feelings by the time he told me he wasn’t over his ex.

    There are things about him that I didn’t like but I ignored it because we spent so much quality time together and I enjoyed that very much. Last week Monday, his ex hit him up, he took her on a date, then called me to tell me he and I should just be friends. I was crushed. I am a busy person with a lot of obligations so I didn’t necessarily want to be in a full fledged relationship but I was open to building. He didn’t give that a chance. We argued for a week until I finally just accepted it.

    I just started accepting that I was the rebound or the distraction. He told me he loves her and wants to marry her someday. I wanted to vomit. I’m trying my best to go no contact but he texts me here and there. I can’t lie, I want him to. I don’t respond but it’s painful to not be able to say to him how I really feel and for it to change the circumstances somehow.

    Every blog states that no contact is best, and to focus on myself. But this is all I ever think about and talk about. I have counseling tomorrow and some hobbies to lean into. I want to move on.

    1. Hi Gullible Lover.

      You bonded with him and developed romantic expectations of him. Next next, you need to pay to early relationship red flags and avoid getting too close to him. I think that deep inside, you hoped he’d process the breakup and fall in love with you. But since he wasn’t over his ex, he was still hoping to reconcile with his ex. That’s why he friendzoned you and got back with his ex the moment she reappeared and expresed interest in trying again.

      You need to accept that you invested in someone who wasn’t ready for a new relationship. He was still in love with his previous partner and couldn’t invest in anyone but her. It’s not your fault this happened but the guy’s for giving you hope and stringing you along.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  2. I’m 99% certain so was a rebound girl for the man I dated. We dated for 4.5 months, and he was transparent about having been cheated on by his ex of 10 months from the beginning (whilst he thought their relationship was going well). He said he’d been going to therapy and met me 4 months later. This was my first relationship ship after a while, and he had seemed so healthy I thought, why not give him a chance. It was intense and we texted every day and called every night for hours. He told me how much he admired my character, and that he’d never met a woman like me. However, there were many instances where he’d bring up his ex in conversation, usually to bash her or state how he wished he knew he should forgive her for cheating on him, but a part of him wished she’d suffer as he did. I should’ve recognised these red flags, but I was so naive and just thought it was a logical venting. I think subconsciously, a part of me always felt like I had to be perfect because he was hypervigilant to red flags, and it seemed like I had to walk on eggshells at times. Still, he tried to pour into this emotionally and I eventually opened my heart to him and let my walls down. I introduced him to my church, as he was curious to know more about my faith, and it became routine for us. Over time, I would be hurt at times when I felt him getting upset at me for eg leaving him on read for hours. At times I felt him projecting these hurts into me as well. He would be surprised himself and apologise, saying he did not know where it came from and that he’d speak to his therapist about it. It happened a couple more times, and one day when I decided to ask him where the relationship was going, he froze. He told me he had been praying about it, and his father had also told him he could not “do this to her as she is a kind girl”. He told me he genuinely liked me, that I treated him very well and I was the sweetest girl he’d ever met, but it was the wrong time, and something was not right. He said he was genuinely unhappy to be ending things, but knew this would be for the best for both of us. Later, he said it was because he realised he had not processed his past relationship yet, and felt that if he continued to date me with these doubts, he’d know he was just not letting go “out of fear”. He reached out to me at church for what you described as, probably checking in on how I was coping (and to wish me happy birthday). It has been 2 months since he ended this, and the last contact was made 3 weeks ago on my birthday. We see each other almost every Sunday now, but I will not reach out to him, even thought I still have strong feelings for him. I recently was told that I was his rebound by an elder, and it hurt me so deeply as I never thought myself as one. It hurt my pride, and it broke my heart to think what we had was never about me, but always about his ex. I know I need to heal and not get into any rebound relationships myself, but gosh it pains me to think that while I was foolishly allowing myself to fall for him, that he probably never felt anything nearly as strong for me.

    1. Hi Rosie Anne.

      The guy wasn’t ready for a new relationship so quickly. He was still bitter about his previous relationship ending and couldn’t start a new serious relationship with you. Despite trying, he soon realized he felt exhausted and that he couldn’t give you what you wanted. In essence, he used you to not feel lonely, worthless, and anxious.

      You should not contact him anymore. He may not love his ex, but he is still processing the end of the relationship.

      Hang in there!
      Zan

  3. What does it mean if the guy who used you as a rebound for half a year, won’t even look at you in public and acts like you don’t exist when passing on the street, by avoiding eye contact? (After 4 months of no contact)

    It really hurts as we got on so well. The break up was also amicable, although he knows he hurt me when he ended things.

  4. Thank you for this article, Zan.
    It explains what happened to me.
    I was a rebound girlfriend.
    The most painful thing is, that he put lots of effort to make me fall in love with him badly, just to treat me later on as if I was a terrible boring burden. It began the day I moved in (it was abroad, to make it worse). Our relationship was a long-distant before.
    The day I arrived to his place, he posted a comment on a social media which was simply like that: “My new cohabitant :-(“. When I saw it, my heart broke into pieces. I couldn’t believe it. I was so terribly humiliated and traumatized, I was shocked. For the following week he treated me as invisible. His buddies and his sport’s club were always his priority. Fast forward: he didn’t want us to break up, but he also didn’t want to treat me with decency. He is a worst kind of a narcissist.

    After a few months I dumped him, went back home. He tried to maintain this manipulationship by contacting me online and via texts. And then another public “online” humilation episode happened. I was made fun in from of his buddies.
    And guess what? Two weeks later he published a photo with his new “girlfriend”, much older than him, bragging about her, saying that “similarities do attract”. They’re together for the last 12 years.

    I am still single. I never met anyone caring, loving and interested in me. But now I know one thing – I will not tolerate any slightest sign of emotional or physical abuse. I will not be naive anymore. I deeply regret, that I was in intimate relationship with this man. I truly regret it. He didn’t deserve it. He abused it.

    It’s extremely painful to know, that the only “relationship” you had was a rebound combined with narcissistic abuse.

    1. Hi Naomi.

      The guy didn’t understand your feelings and put you first. He thought the relationship was about him and that he could do what he wanted. That doesn’t, however mean that all guys are like that. There are genuine guys out there who are looking for love and a partner to build with. You can find a person like that but you have to be a bit more open to dating and tolerating certain (not toxic) behaviors. As you know, no one’s perfect. But do try to keep your expectations healthy, okay?

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  5. Hey

    This post really made me realise the process he went through when he started to have doubts about me. After a 4 month relationship where he ended it one day, with no warning or talk of him feeling unhappy. He then said he had doubts and was unavailable and not ready after his previous relationship. He had come out of a 6 year relationship and met me 8 months after. He realised he hadn’t processed the relationship fully and needed more time. We have not spoke for 5 months and I miss him. However, I am worth having a person who is commitment and ready to be in love with me.

    Thank you for the article. I often read men don’t go back to rebounds, but have you seen this happen? Can a guy regret letting someone go when they met when they were not ready?

    1. Hi Christina.

      I’ve seen this happen many times. A guy can regret leaving the rebound person, but he needs to get over the breakup and think you can make him happy. Not only that, but he must also feel a desire to receive your validation and support.

      Best,
      Zan

  6. I was with my ex 6 months (we hadn’t said love you yet, but I felt it). He then ended it out the blue and said he had doubts. He then later said when I asked for closure he realised he has unresolved feelings from his past relationship, he thought he was ready but needs to be alone and is emotionally unavailable. He apologised for hurting me, saying it was the wrong time. We got on really well, compatibility in humour, likes and didn’t argue. We messaged all day every day and spent 3/4 nights a week together. Met each others friends after 3 months, nothing was rushed, and slowly increased nights together through dating. I’m gutted, as I was his rebound and didn’t matter to him like he did to me. His previous gf had been 4 years and broke up with him 5 months before meeting me. When we broke up, although I was blindsided and hurt, I wished him well and said how I would miss him but wanted the best for him. He said kind things about me and he is sorry for hurting me. It’s been 4 months since the break up and NC. It’s hard as I miss him, but I accept he wasn’t emotionally ready and I am trying to heal so I can move on. I do read so many negative things about people who are the rebound, that we aren’t missed as we are just place holders, could be anyone and grass isn’t greener. I am a good person, but emotionally he didn’t have room for me and that’s his issue. Being the rebound really hurts as you feel your relationship isn’t valued the same and often dismissed. Yes I’m not his ex that he loved, but I’m me and I’m awesome.

    1. Hi B.

      When a guy leaves a woman, he tends not to miss his ex. He thinks about her, but he doesn’t cry and obsess over her. That’s what the dumpee does. A guy usually focuses on himself and does the things he wants. He broke up with you because he couldn’t reciprocate feelings, so don’t expect him to miss you badly. Expect him to focus on things that make him happy.

      The guy didn’t take the time to heal. He found you to mend his wounds and ignore the need to grow. He now has to process the separation and live alone for a while. When he heals, he might contact you if he doesn’t attach negativity to you or meet someone else.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  7. Very well written article!
    I just got out of an intense 2 months relationship, where I was the rebound girl. He decided to end it all of a sudden a week and a half ago, it left me confused and hurt.
    It all started off with lots of attention from him, lots of engagement and activities, going out together, not just sex, we basically spent all our free time together the first month (we met 2 years after our divorce after a 19 and a 20 year relationship respectively, with kids to raise – both my boy and his kids stayed half the time with us and half the time with the other parent).
    All seemed to be going quite well, when halfway through he got into a full custody trial with his ex. From there on, things just quickly went down.
    Looking back, I realised that he was always comparing me to his ex, looking for signs I might act like her (they had a nasty break up), that these past two years he kept jumping from one woman to the next, not staying in any relation more than a couple of months. I am still surprised at myself for not seeing the signs earlier, given that I have taken my time to mourn my past relationship, to leave the past in the past, to do my work and heal my wounds and fix my anxious attachment style…
    I guess for the first time in two years I was finally excited to meet someone who I thought could potentially be my new long term partner, who had a lot of the qualities I appreciate in a man, but unfortunately he doesn’t have the number one condition: emotional availability.
    I thought about trying to reach out, to talk to him to make him see this pattern of behaviour he has, but I realised I would only do more harm than good, no one can heal if they do not want to.
    My lesson here is to get back up again and continue my journey of healing yet again, staying true to myself and keeping both my eyes and my heart open next time

    1. Hi Lora.

      It looks like the guy had a lot of baggage. He had unresolved issues that made it difficult for him to get past the infatuation stage. That’s why he left when things started getting serious and actual hard work was needed. He basically stayed only for as long as the relationship required no work and direction.

      Stay strong, Lora!

      Best regards,
      Zan

      1. Thank you, Zan, fir your kind support! My thoughts exactly! Now I just need to work on myself, to heal that part of me that attracted him in my life. All the best to you too 🤗

        1. Don’t mention it, Lora.

          You’ll pull through this. Focus on his negative traits, behaviors, and decisions and you’ll get your happy self back.

          Best,
          Zan

  8. I didn’t know I was a rebound girl because he was my first boyfriend. He dumped me after 3 months of dating. Now I realized that when we first met, he was heartbreaking for like 4 months after his ex dumped him out of a sudden. And when he approached me, I thought he needs a friend to talk to and when we were talking for a couple of times, he said he likes me and called me, hanged out with me consistently. So apparently I fell in love with him and started dating him. He was such a romantic person and gave me all his time and attention to me for the first month.

    And the 2nd month, that’s when he started changing. He didn’t call or text me regularly, and always said he’s tired due to lack of sleep. But when he was on the phone with me, he said sorry and give him some time which I did. And he was okay again with me for about a week, then the same thing happened again.

    When he travelled with his friends, he called me and said he got no mood because he couldn’t with me on my birthday and public holiday. And he even introduced me as his girlfriend over the phone to his friends. But when he came back and met me again, he was still the same person, always moody and sleepy.

    On the 5th night before our 3rd month of dating, I was kinda like feel so frustrated and anxious and confused for what he did, so I texted him and kinda like said to break up which I didn’t really mean to because I thought that’s what he wants and he called me and apologized to me and told me to meet him on his off day.

    On the night before our 3rd month of dating, he told me he wants to be alone and said sorry for making me upset and it was all his fault. He kept saying no even though I begged him not to break up with me and perhaps take a break for as many days/weeks/months as he wants. He told me to stay as friends and will give me a priority if I want to meet him outside by cancelling all his plans if he had which he should do when we were dating.

    I cried so loud like a child on my way back home not caring what other people think of me. I cried for 2 nights straight but the next day, I researched why it happened to me and that’s when I found out that I was just a rebound girl. To be honest, I now feel pity on him thinking how bad his ex was or about his trauma or why he couldn’t cope well for his past breakup.

    Well now I’m going to focus on myself and stay ‘no contact’ with him as much as possible. This will help both of us to process our feelings and get back our self-esteem. Hopefully we can meet and talk each other again after we both are emotionally available with love and understanding.

    If you could post an article about what to do if my ex texts or calls me again after no contact for some time, I would love to read it till it really happens to me.

    1. Hi Anne.

      What your ex did was very selfish. He used you for validation and distraction purposes and failed to give you what you needed. In a way, it’s good that the breakup happened 3 months in. He would have wasted even more of your time if he had pretended everything was okay for another few months.

      It’s evident that you were a rebound girl, Anne. The fact that he started losing interest so soon and that he felt tired is proof of that. So remember that it wasn’t your fault and that the person you knew for 3 months isn’t who this guy really is.

      I have written many articles on what to do when your ex texts or calls. Here’s one of them.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

    2. Hi, I was also the rebound I think. The first month he took me out on dates and texted me every day, but it felt off because he didn’t ask a lot of questions and the connection stayed superficial.
      The second month he could not text me suddenly for two days and said that he texted me whenever he wanted to. Also I started to notice that we never saw each other during the day, only one evening per week which was mostly about sex, while he put a lot of effort and time in his other relationships. I started to feel more and more resentful until I started to burst out in tears at the weirdest moment when I was with him. He then pulled away even more and in the forth month he broke up with me saying that our communication was bad and that I was jealous. That was only because I tried to work on it but he didn’t and because I felt that he wasn’t serious about me which made me jealous which I usually am not in reletionships.
      Anyway, I think I was the rebound because we had a very good connection but every time I got too close he pulled away suddenly. And I felt that he avoided spending time with me to deepen the relationship.
      To be honest, I felt used from the beginning. From the beginning I felt that something was off about him. But I held on because of course I was hoping that I was wrong for some reason.

      When he broke up with me he started to tell me about his ex a lot and that’s when I was certain it was never about me at all.
      I didn’t say anything back because I knew there was no point in doing that. There was simply nothing I could do about his life. And it definitely wasn’t my problem.

      So when I got home after we said our goodbyes I told him that it would be best to have no contact after he texted me the same evening as if nothing changed. I told him that I wanted to move on.
      Of course implying that that was something that he should have done a long time ago.

      So.. Yeah.

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