How Long Does No Contact Take To Work?

Did you ever wonder how long no contact takes to work for a dumpee? I know I did. Every time I woke up, I added a day to my no contact counter and wondered if I was a step closer to my goal of getting back together with my ex.

Counting the days since I went cold turkey on my ex was both a good and a bad thing. It was good because it helped me feel in control of my post-breakup life and bad because it made me think my ex would come back within 30 – 60 days.

No contact essentially gave me false hope, but just enough to detach and see I needed to stay away from my ex for more than a month.

A month wasn’t enough for my ex to stop feeling smothered and resentful and feel love for me again.

I needed to do indefinite no contact because there was no way to tell how much time my ex needed to go through all the dumper stages and resolve personal issues as well as issues with me.

That’s why if you’re counting days of no contact, know that it’s okay to do that. Counting days helps you alleviate separation anxiety and pain and gives you a little bit of hope that stops you from going loco.

But when you get to a month or two of no contact and feel less anxious, it’s probably time to stop counting. It’s time to break this obsessive pattern and stop holding on to hope.

You don’t need to stay hopeful for no contact to work, nor do you need this kind of anxiety control. Instead, you need to rely on healthier methods for healing. Methods that don’t require you to keep focusing on the breakup and waiting for your ex to reach out.

Many dumpees have said that no contact started working when they stopped caring about their ex. It’s as if their ex could feel they’ve detached and stopped craving their ex’s time and affection.

I don’t know if there’s some mysterious force in play, but the dumper respects you and likes you more when you remove your attention from the dumper and focus on more meaningful things.

This is because the dumper sees you’re not obsessing over him or her and desperately trying to get back together.

Therefore, your goal as a dumpee is to prepare for your ex’s reach out by losing as much hope as possible. The more hope you lose, the better you’ll handle the first text after no contact and the better an impression you’ll make.

Today, we discuss how long no contact takes to work on a dumper and share some tips on how to maximize its effectiveness.

How long does no contact take to work?

The effectiveness of no contact varies for each ex-couple. For some dumpees it seems to work in a matter of days. Their ex doesn’t mean to break up, so he/she quickly reaches out, apologizes for giving up, and expresses a strong desire to work on the relationship.

For other (most) dumpees, however, it takes at least a couple of months to work. It takes that long because the dumper needs to compare his or her current life to the life before the breakup, realize that the pre-breakup life was better than the life after, and become nostalgic about the past.

If your ex doesn’t realize your importance and the quality of life he or she can have by getting back with you, you can forget about no contact working on your ex. No contact isn’t a manipulation technique that forces dumpers to feel forgotten and unworthy.

It’s a respect-preserving technique that allows dumpers to explore their life and get their expectations crushed (if their expectations are too high and their maturity level too low).

Most of the time if not all the time, no contact works (or rather, has the desired effect) when an ex gets in some kind of trouble and suffers immensely. That’s when the dumper finally engages in introspection, improves his or her perception of the dumpee, and realigns his or her goals.

For this to happen, though, the dumper’s self-esteem must usually hit rock bottom and make the dumper see that the only way to ease pain and move forward is to get back with an ex.

So know that no contact takes as long as it takes. It can take a week or it can take a decade. There’s no telling how, when, or if your ex is going to mature and/or make the necessary personal changes required for perceiving you in a better light.

For that reason, you must be patient and keep moving on. Work on letting go of hope rather than clinging to it and waiting for no contact to work on your ex. If you wait and think it’s only a matter of time before your ex comes back, you could wait for a very long time.

You could wait for years or longer and still not get back together with your ex. That would be a big waste of time, hope, and emotions. Waiting for someone who isn’t waiting for you and doing what it takes to fall back in love and gain your trust back is self-degrading and unhealthy.

You’ll make better use of your time and emotions if you work on yourself and do your best to get over your ex. It will take immense courage and determination to let go of hope, but the results of detachment will be well worth it.

That’s because you’ll decrease your anxiety and cravings to get back with your ex, regain control of your emotions, and appreciate how it feels to not emotionally depend on your ex anymore.

To keep your reconciliation hope low, you must:

• stick to all the rules of no contact, not just the ones you like
• avoid talking to friends about your ex if they think you’ll get back together
• stop watching hope-giving ex-back videos
• journal your thoughts and feelings
• understand why the breakup happened and that you lack the power to make your ex want to be with you
• be patient and willing to deal with occasional painful setbacks

Dumpees often remain hopeful because they hear or read hopeful things online. They believe fake breakup coaches who say people can get their ex back if they reach out after a certain number of days when their ex “misses them the most.”

But reaching out only gets dumpees rejected again. Not only does it delay their recovery but it also decreases the chances of no contact working. Breaking no contact for non-essential matters is considered a breakup mistake that won’t get you your ex back.

It will just make you anxious and more reliant on your ex for happiness and self-love.

You must avoid giving your ex control over your thoughts and feelings by staying in no contact permanently and healing once and for all. When you’re fully healed, you’ll have the highest chance of presenting yourself in an attractive light and making your ex envy and desire your happiness, time, and success.

So if you want no contact to work, focus on getting yourself back before you even attempt to reconcile. You must be in your most attractive state otherwise your ex is going to sense your neediness and desperation and leave before or after getting back with you.

You have to keep in mind that reconciliation can’t be rushed. Your ex’s post-breakup plans and expectations need to fail and hurt your ex before your ex can start wanting to be with you again. Also, there’s no guarantee that your ex will learn his or her lessons, get rid of old/negative perceptions of you, and apologize for leaving and hurting you.

This isn’t because your ex is stubborn as a mule and prideful. Your ex can deal with that very quickly when regret kicks in. But until that happens, your ex will continue to self-prioritize and not pay attention to you. Your ex will have different plans and ways to spend his or her time.

Don’t take that personally. What your ex does or doesn’t do is unrelated to you.

That said, here’s why no contact takes as long as it does to work.

Most people expect no contact to work very fast. They come across articles and videos that empower them with hope and make them think they can get their ex back if they just do a 30, 45, or 90 day no contact rule.

But when they reach out after the preset number of days, they often learn their ex is dating someone else already and/or that their ex doesn’t miss them at all. That destroys their expectations the hard way and forces them to accept reality for what it is.

I know it can feel tempting to live in denial, but telling yourself lies doesn’t make the reconciliation or your moving on any easier. It just delays detachment and makes you deal with the breakup later.

So instead of dealing with it later, deal with it now. Commit to indefinite no contact and allow yourself to heal. If you get over your ex, you’ll be in a much stronger position to deal with your ex’s breadcrumbs when your ex finally reaches out.

You’ll also be less dependent on your ex if your ex wants you back and you decide to give the relationship another chance. You’ll make fewer mistakes and show your ex that you won’t take him or her back next time.

While you’re healing, remember that no contact is already working. Every day you’re not talking to your ex, your ex feels glad you’re not reaching out and making things difficult for him or her. In a sense, your ex appreciates your absence and likes the way things are.

But as you stay in no contact, that might change. Your ex might go from appreciating you not reaching out to wondering what you’re up to and why you haven’t reached out. Curiosity might eventually make your ex contact you.

And if your ex’s life isn’t going well, your ex might also ask for forgiveness and another chance. This strongly depends on how unfortunate and unprepared your ex is for life without you and/or life with someone else.

If your ex fails badly, recognizes the value and safety you provided throughout the relationship, and gets anxious or spirals into depression, your ex could get affected by no contact in the right kind of way and want you back.

But if your ex is prepared to handle the difficulties life throws at your ex, then your ex could just deal with problems and move forward.

Since you can’t predict how your ex will react to stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, or nostalgia, it’s best that you stay in no contact for as long as it takes. Let no contact heal your wounds and restore purpose and direction in your life.

No contact always works for the dumpee. How fast it makes you feel better though depends on how experienced you are with breakups, what your self-esteem is like, what your ex does, and what breakup mistakes you make or avoid.

If you keep checking up on your ex, you’ll continuously empower yourself with hope, find things you’re not supposed to find, and delay the time it takes to regain your emotional independence.

So try not to doubt the effectiveness of the healing effects of no contact. No contact will help you as long as you follow all its rules and give yourself enough time to detach.

No contact will probably take months to work on your ex

If you’re expecting no contact to work in days or weeks, you’re setting your expectations too high. I don’t know what you’ve heard about no contact, but this rule is meant for you first and your ex second. Its primary purpose is to mend your broken heart and encourage you to be optimistic about life again – not just to bring your ex back.

If your ex does come back, that’s a bonus. You can then put the skills you’ve learned during no contact to use.

I know that most dumpees start no contact to get back together with their ex and stop hurting. They want to skip the suffering and self-improvement phase and go back to loving their ex and being loved by him/her.

But if you want what’s best for you, I suggest you focus on healing and enjoying life again. Your ex will like you more if you take some time to recover and not worry about what your ex thinks and feels.

Although no contact can work quickly (within a week or two), it normally works that fast when the dumper rebounds or when he or she manipulates the dumpee into chasing. Don’t expect it to work before your ex is ready for it to work.

Whether it takes weeks, months, or years, let no contact do its work by moving forward with your life and trying not to rush the reconciliation process.

Are you still wondering how long it takes for no contact to work? How long did it take for you or someone you know? Comment below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.