If you suspect your ex never loved you, just used you, your ex probably led you on and took from the relationship way more than he put into it. Your ex promised you things, presented himself as an honest/emotionally ready individual, gave you false hope, and wasted way more of your energy and time than you’d like to admit.
Your ex hurt you because he wanted superficial perks from the relationships. Perks such as sex, money, attention, validation, and things that weren’t needed for love to blossom. Because he wanted such things from you, your ex made it look like he valued you and saw a future with you.
But in reality, the relationship was never about you. It was about him and his journey to happiness, fulfillment, benefits, and convenience.
You had to learn this the hard way after you developed romantic expectations and got attached.
Now that you’re hurting, you have to remember it’s not your fault. People don’t use others because they’re easy targets and because something’s wrong with them. They (the users) use others because they themselves are bad people or not ready to date.
Most of the time, it’s the latter as they’re dealing with something they haven’t been able to deal with yet.
This could be:
- a breakup
- a mental health problem
- bad parenting
- an unhealthy attachment style and fear of commitment
- or some traumatic experience
These issues can all be addressed, but unfortunately, people don’t know how to address them, don’t want to address them, or don’t know that they even exist. That’s why they get into a new relationship thinking their partner will distract them, help them, and/or and numb their pain.
They think their new partner is the solution to fixing their issues.
And he or she is. At least for a while. While the relationship is new (usually for a few months), things seem great as couples get on. But after a while, issues from the past come back and cause all kinds of problems for them and their partner.
That’s when people with problems start arguing, developing doubts, pulling away, and going back on their promises. They don’t care about the relationship anymore because they don’t see a way to benefit from it.
All they see are things that bother them and drain their energy.
If this happened to you, you must understand that your ex didn’t see the relationship the same way as you. He saw it as something he needed rather than wanted. And because he needed it, he stopped wanting it when he got what he was after.
You must keep in mind that many guys only want validation and support. They want to feel attractive and desired (often because of a breakup, low self-esteem, or some other unresolved issue).
That’s why they use their partner to make themselves feel better and leave when they no longer need the things they needed in the beginning and feel they can’t reach their partner’s expectations.
So if a guy you dated never loved you (just used you), bear in mind that he was only looking after his own needs. He had unresolved issues he neglected or was a player man who deliberately told you nice things to lure you in and make you feel you could trust him.
A player man is nothing but a manipulator. He’s often narcissistic and sees dating prospects as objects he can benefit from. Not only is he selfish and severely undeveloped maturity-wise, but he also lacks moral values.
A guy like this has an unhealthy understanding of right and wrong. He thinks the world revolves around him and that people exist to serve him. He hasn’t yet learned to appreciate people and only sees the superficial things in them.
This likely has something to do with his upbringing – the values his parents instilled in him.
In this article, we discuss why he never loved you and used you and what you can do about a guy like that.
Why did he never love me, just used me?
If you wonder why your ex never loved you and used you, you need to understand that your ex wasn’t ready for a serious commitment with you.
He wanted you for selfish reasons (things that had nothing to do with the relationship), so he carried problems from the past into the relationship with you and prioritized his feelings and relationship benefits over his inability to love you.
The guy could have reflected and done something about his problems. But because he lacked self-awareness, understanding of his cravings, and the drive to mature, he rushed into a relationship with you and stayed with you to get what he needed from you.
He did this for as long as he could until he eventually got everything he needed, got emotionally exhausted from investing in you, and realized that the relationship was getting way too serious and difficult for him to maintain.
That was when he left you and made you feel unwanted and used.
If you think about it, he did this because he didn’t have the right relationship mentality to stay with you. His thoughts kept reminding him he didn’t feel happy and that he needed to find happiness elsewhere without you.
Whether he realized why he lost interest is anyone’s guess, but the reason chose you is that he hoped you’d spend time with him and help him overcome the issue or issues he wasn’t able to overcome on his own.
If he recently got dumped, he wanted you to mend his broken heart and distract him from thinking about his ex. If he felt unwanted and undesired, he wanted you to boost his ego. And if he felt lost and uncertain about his future, he wanted you to show him the way (not become a part of his journey).
You need to figure out why he used you. Understanding his reasons for using and hurting you will help you stop blaming yourself for the breakup and allow you to see him for the person he is. It will allow you to process the abandonment and avoid similar situations in the future.
Similar situations include predicaments where guys appear to be super interested in you in the beginning and situations where they appear flaky, disinterested, cold, and detached after they’ve gotten what they needed.
So don’t think you had something to do with the breakup. If you were committed and wanted the relationship to work, it wasn’t your fault the breakup happened. It was your ex’s because he was the one who couldn’t get past the infatuation stage and develop romantic feelings for you.
The attraction you saw at the start of the relationship wasn’t love. It was a desire to feel validated, loved, supported, and safe. Once this desire waned, his interest in you dwindled shortly after as he felt that the relationship turned into a chore that needed him to invest time and emotions he didn’t have.
Couples like to say “We’re in love,” but that’s just hormones talking. Love is when you accept your partner’s flaws, see a future with him, work on common goals and disagreements together, and stay together through thick and thin.
It’s not love if you just met and feel excited.
Sadly, your relationship may not have had much or any love. This is especially true if it ended as quickly as it started (within half a year or so). A relationship ending quickly indicates something is fundamentally wrong with it.
Something that can’t be fixed easily.
Always remember that short-term relationships have a weak foundation and that it’d be unfair to say they’re based on love. From my understanding, they’re built on lust, infatuation, and empowering emotions couples feel due to the newness of the relationship.
Love develops gradually once couples get out of the infatuation phase and deal with various problems together. That’s when they reveal if their relationship mentality (the rational aspect of the relationship) is healthy and strong enough to foster healthy romantic emotions.
If it’s not strong enough, the relationship ends because it doesn’t have a reason (love) to exist.
So bear in mind that your ex left when things got serious and that there may be many different explanations for why your ex never loved you and used you.
Your ex might have:
- been with you just to pass time
- met someone else
- developed doubts
- stopped feeling infatuated and failed to develop love
- rebounded with you
- realized he lacked the drive to invest in you
- expected the relationship to maintain itself
- used you for self-love and relationship benefits
If your ex never loved you and used you, your ex may have told you things you wanted to hear. Your ex probably told you how lucky he was to be with you and that he wanted to marry you, have kids with you, travel the world with you, and grow old with you.
By expressing gratitude and making plans for the future, he convinced you the relationship was better than your previous relationships and made you feel extremely desired and important.
The guy likely had romantic feelings for you at first and didn’t mean to hurt you on purpose. But he ended up doing just that because he failed or refused to address his issues before he got involved with you.
You were in love, so you couldn’t realize your ex was sugarcoating things due to feelings of excitement and a lack of understanding of how the relationship will be when excitement wanes. That’s why you believed everything he said and put your faith in him.
Because you thought he was the one, you invested in him wholeheartedly and expected him to do the same. This explains why you now feel so used, hurt, and unworthy.
With that said, here’s why your ex-boyfriend or the person you dated never loved you and used you.
If he never loved you, just used you, don’t blame yourself for being naive. You couldn’t know that the guy conspired against you, had unresolved issues, or that he was a user. Many guys won’t tell you they aren’t emotionally ready for a relationship and that they’re with you just to get what they can out of you.
They’ll just be quiet and rely on you for their problems and unhappiness. This will immediately help them feel validated and keep them validated for a few months until they stop feeling elated and reveal their problems, problem-solving skills, and attitude.
That’s when you’ll be able to tell what they’re like as people and whether they’re ready to love you and be with you.
So whatever you do, don’t judge guys solely by their actions at the beginning of a relationship. Judge them by what they do for you and the relationship after the 6th-month mark. That’s when reveal their true colors and prove whether they’re capable of being in a long-term relationship with you.
Real guys will improve their communication, attitude, and relationship skills when things get tough whereas immature and emotionally unavailable guys will leave a relationship that is healthy and affectionate. That’s because such guys have unresolved issues and can’t value those who value them.
They need to work on resolving their issues and loving themselves first before they can love anyone else.
People use one another deliberately and indeliberately. Deliberate people are users and charlatans whereas indeliberate ones have problems, lack understanding of themselves, and tend to do what’s best for them.
Regardless of whether your ex used you intentionally or unintentionally, your ex isn’t ready for a relationship with you. He needs to be avoided so you can recover emotionally.
What to do when you find out he used you and never loved you?
When you realize your ex or the guy you’d been seeing used you and never loved you, do your best to refrain from getting angry and taking revenge on him. You may feel hurt and neglected (and have every right to feel that way), but don’t hurt him back because of it.
He’s not worth losing your cool and morals over. He already wasted your time and manipulated your emotions once. Don’t put him in control of your emotions again.
The best form of revenge is success and happiness. If you can be happy, rebuild your worth, and thrive without him, you’ll look much better and more attractive than if you seek vengeance and closure from a guy who didn’t willingly give it to you.
Besides, you already understand what went wrong, so there’s no point in talking to someone who used you.
He doesn’t deserve your attention and friendship. Not after using you and making it look like he loved you.
So instead of talking to the guy who never loved you, cut him off immediately. Go no contact with him and start getting over him. It will take some time to get rid of the attachment, but you need to be strong and persevere.
Do it out of respect for yourself and those who love you.
If you handle the discard well, you’ll be proud of yourself later when you regain composure and see he wasn’t worth getting upset over and that you saved face. But for now, figure out why he used you and what kind of person does that.
When you understand his behavior and process it, you might even pity the guy because you’ll know his future doesn’t look the brightest.
Did he never love you and used you for various perks and benefits? How did that make you feel? Let us know in the comments section below.
However, if you’d like to talk to us about why he never loved you, click here to sign up for 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan,
I have recently come across you and reaching out, as I would really appreciate your perspective on my current situation. From what I’ve seen you’re awesome!
After some pulling back and distancing over several months, my boyfriend informed me he has got back with his ex (unresolved issues..)
He then said we all have history and they’d been talking for the last couple of months. This would seem right, to when I noticed the energy change.
This was a shock to me, but at the same time a relief as I have been feeling anxious for weeks (I had also experienced some personal issues over the last few months which I had to prioritise so mentally couldn’t deal with situation) I guess I felt he was probably scared of commitment – I never imagined he was cheating with an ex. Why didn’t he finish with me first? Or, inform me he was back in contact with an ex. There was no prior knowledge of an ex that he had unfinished business with.
He had been avoiding meeting up in person, canceled plans, not calling when promised and when asked, always stated work pressures/stress etc. I decided to detach from him and there was no communication for 1 month. I realised he was making excuses to meet. I was also curious to how this would play out.
However, we were at a venue last weekend (same social circle) I observed then approached him and we spoke, I literally had to force the truth from him – I was calm and direct, but insisted for him be honest. She was actually present, but not privy to the conversation. He was uncomfortable and said we were going around in circles and he’d call.
I’m still very angry, sad, upset and confused by his actions. Not sure whether he was hoping to keep the option of me open, or that I’d fade away.
I genuinely thought we had a good connection/r’ship and were making plans for the future etc. He always spoke highly of me to his circle and my friends liked him too. People commented on how happy we looked. I wonder now whether he ever did have true feelings for me…
This is tricky as he hasn’t contacted me to apologise/explain/clear the air. We will see each other out and are known to each others’ friends.
I’m trying to move forward, but struggling with mixed emotions. I’m feeling stronger day by day, but not there yet!
Do you have any suggestions. I hate feeling like this and want ME back!
It hasn’t ‘officially’ ended and feels open ended. He reluctantly told and seemed confused.
I could continue to do nothing and focus on myself and healing. However, I’ve also considered sending a text – not necessarily for a response. Maybe to say that I want a man who is 100% sure about me, invested and consistent and fine if not him but I’m not prepared to settle.
Any thoughts much appreciated.
Jx
Hi J.
I’m sorry this happened. The reason he didn’t finish with you before monkey-branching is that he prioritized safety over morality. He decided tomake sure he could secure a relationship with his ex before he transitioned to his ex. There’s no quick way to get yourself back. It will take time. You’ll have to stay in no contact and do your best to distract yourself. Expect the breakup pain and overthinking to last a few months at least, depending on how attached you were.
Don’t send him any texts. He doesn’t care what kind of person you want as a partner and that you’re disappointed with him.
Best,
Zan
Thank you so much Zan,
Your response is really helpful.
I resisted the urge to text – I think frustration got the better of me! I’m glad I was able to express myself to him and would of liked to have asked him more. However, I didn’t wish to continue speaking, once I had his admission as I was beginning to lose my cool.
I think you’re spot on. However, if their relationship is secure, why was he so hesitant to tell me? I know it’s said that men hate to hurt a woman, but I feel this dishonestly is worse. He never once mentioned her and I have no clue what he’s told her about me,
I will definitely stay in NC.
As I’m very likely to see him out and about, do you have any suggestions how I should play it? Could be a bit awkward and I like to navigate the situation appropriately and tend to keep things classy,
Interestingly, on the night in question, a gentleman was talking to me (seemed quite keen and bought me a drink etc) I observed my ‘ex’ watching me. He was trying to be discreet, but I caught him looking.
I am attached to him, but feeling stronger every day. Doing my best to distract myself and keep busy.
Thanks for supporting me/us.
BW
J
Hi J.
Men don’t tell their exes about their new partner for 2 main reasons. 1)They don’t want to hurt their ex. 2)They don’t want to get judged and hurt themselves.
If you run into him, have a quick superficial chat (if he seems receptive). You don’t need to talk to more than a minute or two. And if he looks away on purpose and seems uncomfortable and strange, walk past him. No point in speaking to him if he doesn’t want to.
Kind regards,
Zan
Sometimes I thought that my ex did all that!
But it’s part of the past now! But still curious to learn more about relationships and breakups
Thank you Zan for being here for all of us 🫶🏻
Thanks for being here, Linda.
Appreciate you!
Zan
Great article, it struck a chord with me. Accepting that my ex-partner didn’t truly love me and used me, while being open to other relationships, has been difficult.
Should he reciprocate my feelings, I would wholeheartedly consider rekindling the relationship.
The article provides a clear understanding of user motivation, yet it leaves me pondering another significant question: What might be wrong with me? Why am I moving on so slowly? Why did I choose a man who didn’t love me?
The process of recovering from this relationship seems to be prolonged due to these lingering questions and thoughts.
Hello Zlata,
There is nothing wrong with you per se. Generosity is a great quality, both for your family, friends, and community, that will be also valued romantically. It is very difficult to know at the beginning of a relationship if someone is a taker: only time can tell. Your feelings are there to inform you and screen the partners who are not good for you, as painful as they can be.
Working on full acceptance on what you feel may help you: can you pinpoint the feeling that you is prolonging your recovery ? Is it feeling you can not trust yourself ? We all make mistakes of judgement, this is also how we improve and make better choice in the future.
Best wishes,
Benoit
Hi Benoit,
Thank you for your response. Your question about pinpointing the feeling that prolongs my recovery is quite insightful.
It’s true that generosity is an admirable quality, but I can’t help but feel disappointed that my ex-partner didn’t reciprocate it. it seems like I attract the wrong kind of people.
As I reflect on it, I believe the primary feeling that hinders my healing process is a sense of self-doubt. It’s challenging to accept that I let myself be in a relationship where I wasn’t truly loved.
However, you are right that making mistakes is a natural part of life, and they can lead to better choices and discover healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. I’ll work on learning from this experience.
Hi Zlata,
He may simply not have the tools nor the capabilities to reciprocate your feelings. I know it can be infuriating to find someone you finally like but who turns out to be emotionally unavailable, but you have nearly 0 control over it, except moving on.
Hi Zlata.
Reflect on your shortcomings and figure out where you went wrong. No one’s perfect, we all have things to work on. Also ,nothing’s wrong with you. You didn’t ask to fall in love with someone who didn’t love you. It just happened, and you have to deal with it. That’s life.
As for why you’re moving on so slowly, bear in mind that breakups take time to heal from. If you read others’ comments, you’ll see that they don’t get over their ex in just a few weeks. It normally takes them longer than half a year.
Ask questions if you’d like. But if that doesn’t help, consider getting therapy.
Best,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Thanks for your input, and I appreciate your straightforward approach! Your blog articles have been a lifesaver for all my questions. I gotta admit, the breakup hit me hard emotionally, but I didn’t mess up afterward, so that’s a win 😁
Your suggestion of reflecting on my shortcomings is useful, and I think I’m close to understanding where things might have gone wrong. I have an anxious attachment type.
You’re right, life’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I’m stuck in slow-mo, but I’m taking it one step at a time. After all, they say “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” and neither is my heart’s recovery!
Therapy is on my radar too – talking it out with a pro could help me unravel this crazy dating puzzle!
Cheers,
Zlata 🌅
Hi Zlata.
Thanks for your response. Don’t expect to get over this in a matter of weeks. Breakups destroy dumpees’ self-esteem, so give it time. Try to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Once you’ve done that, forgive your ex as well. That will allow you to let go and focus on the life ahead of you.
Kind regards,
Zan
I didn’t think this article would be anything for me but it actually opened my eyes even more now.
As I have mentioned before, my ex broke our 7 month relationship and got in a new relationship like a week after, due to my inability to show gratitude and appreciation (among some other things).
But now I can’t help but think if I actually am the villain. Did I actually use her?
I don’t know much about attachment styles but after a quick research I think I am a dissmissive avoidant and it fits really well on our situation. I deeply valued my alone time and wanted to do my own things, especially at the start of the year, I was exhausted due to working overtime and some other stressful factors in my life. So I just wanted to go home to my place and do my own things. I didn’t go all in on comitment, I still wanted the freedom of being single and in control of my own life but I wanted to be with her. I wanted to to eat the cake and eat it at the same time.
I didn’t have any butterfly feelings for her but I felt calm, complete and safe with her and I loved the cuddling, hugs and kisses. Sex was good but was not really my thing some months into the relationship. Whenever she needed something of me I was always there, wether it was emotional or practical. I was bad at expressing feelings but I did mention that I was open to move in together with her. We could be closer together and we would both have our seperate hobbies at the same place so I wouldn’t need to be stressed on missing out on my own alone time.
I was independent and comfortable with my own company before we got together and I did so because I was curious about her and because we really enjoyed eachothers company. And when she broke out I was sad/confused/melancholic the first weeks. And when I found out about her new partner I panicked and that’s when the real regret hit me. And now I am trying to recover from this emotional devastation.
So maybe after all I am the bad guy. Maybe she is better of with her new partner and maybe I actually desserve to feel the way I do.
I have learned so much this last month, about relationship and breakup dynamics along with some much needed insight about myself and my issues. I just wish I knew about this earlier. Maybe then I wouldn’t have wasted away such an amazing girl.
Hello Gordon,
To me, attachment style and giver/taker are two different things: the former is related on how you form relationships (how you attach and the degree of closeness you like in a relationship), the latter to your value system (is it OK to use people to get what I want). You may found some correlation between the two populations, but you can be a giver and avoidant, or a taker and anxiously-attached.
I fear you are facing one of the break-up trap: taking the blame to avoid feeling hurt. From what you are describing, you were not behaving like an avoidant in the relationship and refusing to progress things: securely-attached people also need space in their relationship. It is healthy. I would love to tell you there was a way out, that being the bad guy behaving perfectly would prevent the hurt, but there is none to the best of my knowledge. You need to have access to your pain to “negotiate” a healthy relationship.
Wish you well,
Benoit
PS: I would be very suspicious of a partner starting a relationship a week after my break-up. It takes time for both parties to mourn the end of a relationship, except if one did not value it enough. The “inability to show gratitude and appreciation” may or may not have been a projection from her part; she did not give you nor the relationship and instead of taking responsibility, she put the blame on you. Difficult to tell without knowing how self-aware she is.
Hello Benoit,
And thanks for your reply.
It’s been 2 months since our break up and a month since we last heard from eachother.
My feelings are still a bit in turmoil, some days I blame her and some days I blame myself.
I know of my shortcomings but I also know what I would expect from her, if we would ever get back together.
This was my first real relationship and the first time I experience a real break up. It hurt like hell and now I do all kinds of introspect and thinking, in the hopes of becoming a better romantic partner in the future.
The new guy is someone she got to know some months-a year ago through a game she plays. They never met (at least what I know) until after our break up.
I don’t think there was cheating involved but they deffinitly shared an emotional connection. So she never really got the mourning. I can’t say for sure but a part of me suspects it was gigs/monkey branching and she already knew how to proceed the day she pulled the trigger on me.
2 months is quite a short time, I am not too worried about the fact that you are still experiencing emotional turmoils some days. I know it is not fun, I wish you well in your introspection.
Yes I concur about the emotional connection. Learning that monkey branching is not healthy and disrespectful is her part of the journey. In the long run, that doesn’t make them happy and quite unappreciative of their partners.
Hi Gordon.
You’re not villain. Sure, you made some mistakes, but ultimately, she was the one who left. Use this time to identify your avoidant tendencies and work on them. Your partner whether it’s your ex or someone else will require more time and affection. That’s the point of a romantic relationship. Make sure to work on yourself now so you can bond with your partner later.
Sincerely,
Zan
I have a feeling that my ex did that.
I was with her for about a year, and we never said we loved each other, more a situationship than anything else. But she was just out of a relationship where she got dumped. She seemed very genuine and transparent with me. I ended up falling in love with someone who told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship but we also ended up being exclusive and seeing each other all the time.
One day, we met up, she told me it was over coz something was missing. Then she went on a dating spree, hooked up with a few guys and ended up in a new relationship 5 months later.
I guess she used me to feel better. Never heard about her again.
Shayne
Hello Shayne,
Thank you for sharing your story; I can see how the situation was ambiguous for you (words and actions were not matching on her side). She was aware of your feelings of lover for her, but still decided not to do anything about it (i.e. breaking off when she saw you were falling for her). She may have thought she could overcome her grief and realized later that she could not. I guess you would have received very thorough apologies though.
Hope you feel better now,
Benoit
Hi Benoit, thanks for your answer.
Yeah I never received anything, apologies or anything. She just disappeared from the face of the earth after our last conversation. I know she’s alive since I looked her up a few times but it’s mind boggling to me that someone can break it off and never ever look back or even wonder or ask if I was ok.
People can be cruel. I realized that after my breakup. I thought she was the kindest person on earth, but she actually is the worst selfish person I’ve even met. Or maybe she’s kind enough not to reach out.. hard to say.
It’s weird that a year after a one year relationship, I still think of her daily, just not as much as before but still. She likely got me off her mind after a few days lol
It is difficult for most people to empathize beyond what they have already experienced themselves. If her coping strategy was to forget her ex with someone else, she cannot comprehend why you are not doing it yourself to get better (she shortcutted the self-actualization part of the break-up). I guess you have learned yourself some valuable lessons out of it.
Hi Shayne.
She probably used you to get over her ex. And when she was over him, branched to someone else. Someone she was ready to be with.
This shows how self-centered people can be when they’re hurting.
Kind regards,
Zan