5 Dismissive Avoidant Breakup Stages

Updated on October 13, 2025

Just as ordinary dumpers go through the breakup stages, so do dismissive avoidants. DAs (dismissive avoidants) detach from their ex, fall out of love, find something or someone better or different to focus on, and enjoy their newfound space and freedom.

By staying away from their ex and doing the things they love, they don’t feel guilty for breaking things off and failing/refusing to reach their ex’s expectations.

Instead, they feel positive emotions, especially emotions they allowed themselves to feel by breaking up with their ex (relief and elation). Dumpers (regardless of their attachment style) are typically glad that their relationship has ended.

The end of the relationship signifies the end of their commitment and suffering, so they aren’t very regretful at all. They’re perfectly content because they prefer space and quiet over being trapped in a relationship that doesn’t make them feel the way they want to feel.

That’s why you shouldn’t expect to see your ex sad, depressed, and heartbroken the way you do in Hollywood movies.

You won’t see him or her come knocking on your door with flowers and professing his or her love to you. As much as you’d like that to happen, it’s extremely unlikely. Dumpees often reach out and try to reason with their detached and determined ex, only to learn that their ex can’t be reasoned with. They push their ex further away and relive the breakup.

Dumpers, on the other hand, want to stay broken up. They think they needed to break up to free themselves and stop pretending to be fine.

The problem with dismissive avoidants is that they have a hard time bonding with people. They take relationships way less seriously than average people – simply because they don’t think they have much to lose. They value their own company more than romantic connections, so they don’t fear the consequences of leaving their partner and being on their own.

Sure, they’re generally against losing a person they got to know, had plans with, and felt comfortable with, but in terms of anxiety and pain, they don’t feel much or any. They consider the breakup a way for them to regain control of their emotions and life.

To suffer, they’d have to be attached to their partner, understand their partner’s value, and fear breaking up. They’d have to believe that the breakup is very bad for them and that they must hold on to their partner for love, validation, safety, and support.

Sadly, dumpers (dismissive avoidants or not) don’t experience separation anxiety.

They may think about their ex and the friendship they lost, but they don’t miss the relationship the way dumpees do. Dismissive avoidants go through breakup stages in the opposite order compared to dumpees.

They start by feeling relieved and elated, and eventually (months later) reach the neutrality stage of a breakup in which they can experience issues and get hurt. Normally, it takes them at least a few months to get the breakup relief out of their system and become vulnerable to stress, anxiety, pain, and nostalgia.

So if you’re hoping that dismissive-avoidant dumpers are more likely to come back compared to other attachment types, know that the exact opposite is true. All dumpers go through the typical dumper breakup stages.

The only difference between dismissive avoidants and other dumpers is that they don’t get very attached throughout the relationship.

They don’t consider their relationships to be their top priority, so they invest in themselves and others rather than their (long-term) partner. They do this because they’ve been taught (or learned through experience) that being self-reliant (especially emotionally) is a strength and a must. On the other hand, they consider emotional dependence a weakness, something they must never experience (again).

There are far more dismissive-avoidant men than women. Men often shut down emotionally, while women tend to communicate more openly. Of course, this is a generalization, but we all know how stoic some men can be.

They don’t like showing emotions because society has wired them to be alphas who must always keep their composure and remain in control of their emotions. Some women contribute to their guardedness, as they don’t like dating men who need help, especially emotionally.

The moment their boyfriend gets hurt and/or becomes depressed, they feel smothered and repulsed. Consequently, they lose interest and feelings and want to be with a more “alpha guy” – a guy who internalizes problems and is less emotionally expressive.

Many factors can lead to someone becoming dismissive-avoidant, but the most common ones are:

• Poor or toxic parenting (parents who criticize or dismiss their child’s feelings)
• Life-threatening professions, such as military service
• Traumatic experiences (breakups, childhood abandonment, betrayal, substance abuse, or mental health struggles)
• Any situation that causes a person to shut down emotionally for control or self-protection

People aren’t born with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. They develop it (normally during their childhood). But just as dismissive-avoidance is learned, it can be unlearned with self-awareness and effort. Doing so benefits both them and their romantic partners, as it’s the only way to build healthy relationships.

If I’m being completely honest, it’s not easy for dismissive avoidants to suddenly start desiring someone they didn’t feel strongly about, even when the relationship was at its best. DAs don’t just redevelop feelings or cravings out of nowhere.

Something has to motivate or push them to take a hard look at themselves and admit they struggle with forming deep emotional connections and staying committed.

Dismissive people tend to focus on themselves and engage in behaviors that prevent them from investing in anyone else. Changing this self-centeredness isn’t easy. To do so, they must recognize the value of others, let their guard down, and commit to their personal growth plan consistently for months.

Dismissive avoidance is a serious issue, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. All attachment styles can be improved or changed. People just need a compelling reason to do so. That reason is often something painful and beyond their control.

In today’s post, we’ll talk about dismissive avoidant breakup stages. These stages explain how dismissive avoidants perceive their (ex)partners and respond to them.

Let’s now talk about the dismissive-avoidant breakup stages that dumpers go through before, during, and after the breakup.

1)Neglect and self-neglect

To understand dismissive avoidants, we need to start from the beginning. Before a dismissive avoidant boyfriend or girlfriend leaves you and pays little attention to you, he or she goes through what’s called the “neglect and self-neglect stage.”

In this stage, the dismissive-avoidant neglects his or her lack of feelings and commitment to you and continues to remain unaware of the damage he or she is causing to the relationship. The DA has been avoidant practically his or her entire life, so the chance of him or her noticing that something’s wrong and requires work is small.

When the DA notices that he or she destroyed the value of his or her partner, it’s usually already too late. Too much damage has been caused to the partner’s persona to improve his or her value and make the relationship blossom. That’s why feelings continue to fade while doubts and frustrations grow.

Some DAs are so afraid of commitment and the relationship progressing that they sabotage their own feelings, undermining the attachment they still have to the partner. As a result, they begin avoiding their partner and acting inconsistently in both words and actions.

You might notice them showing interest one day, saying all the right things, and then turning cold and distant the next.

This kind of hot and cold behavior is very common for dismissive-avoidant people—and is a sign that they failed to understand the origins of their dismissive tendencies. Because they don’t understand the root of their dismissiveness, the chance of them addressing it is practically nonexistent. Without that awareness, change becomes extremely difficult.

You mustn’t confuse a dismissive-avoidant with a fearful-avoidant. A dismissive-avoidant normally has a high opinion of himself or herself and wants to explore other options before fully committing. A fearful-avoidant, on the other hand, often has low self-esteem and is driven by the fear that something bad will happen and cause him or her pain.

While both types struggle with intimacy, the key difference lies in how they cope. Dismissive-avoidants distance themselves out of self-reliance and pride, whereas fearful-avoidants are held back by anxiety and fear of rejection. Dismissive and fearful avoidants must both work on themselves if they want their relationships to be balanced, healthy, and meaningful.

So if your ex was a dismissive-avoidant, your ex’s feelings for you likely fluctuated a lot. Over time, your ex gradually became doubtful of your ability to make him or her happy and decided to chase happiness elsewhere.

In the neglect and self-neglect dismissive-avoidant stage of a breakup, a DA is fully focused on himself or herself rather than the issues at hand.

That’s why it’s not unusual for him or her to:

• ignore your texts and calls
• lie to you about his or her whereabouts and availability
• pretend he or she is busy or asleep
• avoid communication
• avoid bonding moments
• refuse to plan the future
• say he or she has other/more important things to attend to

Relationships with avoidant people are some of the most challenging out there. They can be as difficult as relationships with narcissistic, borderline, or toxic individuals, as they constantly push and pull, leaving you to question your worth as a person and a partner.

2)Conviction

When a dismissive-avoidant thinks about breaking up with you for a long time, the DA starts feeling convinced that the breakup brings him or her more joy than the relationship.

Such relationship-destructive thoughts and feelings make the DA certain that his or her partner isn’t a good romantic match and that he or she needs to find additional reasons to end the relationship.

Finding these reasons allows the future dumper to confirm his or her suspicion that something isn’t right and later justify his or her decisions. Of course, the DA doesn’t fully understand what is driving these feelings.

All he or she knows is that his or her instincts aren’t wrong and that following them is necessary for his or her happiness and well-being.

When the DA is 100% convinced that staying in the relationship is self-torture, he or she soon becomes impatient and may even point out your flaws and everything that is wrong with the relationship.

You could hear sharp remarks like:

• I don’t like the food you cook
• I’m tired of listening to you
• Why do you have to talk so much?
• Can’t you just do your own thing and leave me alone?
• I don’t know if I can go on vacation next week
• Don’t come over today
• I just need some time to think

The last comment indicates that the DA is in the conviction stage of the breakup, focusing on finding reasons to avoid communication rather than addressing or resolving his or her lack of romantic interest.

So when the dismissive-avoidant expresses doubts, fears, anger, or need for space—and starts pushing you away, it’s normally already too late to fix the relationship. He or she is on the verge of transitioning into the detachment stage from which it’s nearly impossible to return.

3)Detachment

Once a dismissive avoidant enters the detachment stage of a breakup, all hope is lost. In this stage, there is very little (if any) communication, love, and mutual goals left. The DA has already decided that his or her partner is unworthy of his or her energy, time, and commitment—and that it’s best for him or her to be alone for a while.

Some dismissive-avoidants openly express their desire to be alone, while others simply disappear without explanation.

I’ve noticed that since dismissive avoidants are often poor communicators, they tend to disappear without warning. I’m not saying they ghost intentionally to cause as much pain as possible, but they seem to forget about their partner and focus entirely on themselves.

They basically act like they’re single and look like entirely new people.

Once you’ve realized that your partner has detached, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make him or her reattach. You can’t reason with your partner and force him or her to love you. Love doesn’t work that way (can’t be forced) because once a person loses feelings, he or she must regain them on his or her own.

That means he or she must first relearn your value and want to be a part of your romantic life again.

All you can do when a dismissive-avoidant starts to detach is to have a relationship or breakup conversation as soon as possible. Delaying it won’t change anything; it will only make the DA feel more trapped and less patient.

Breaking up may be the last thing you want, but it’s what you need. If you continue witnessing avoidant behavior, you’ll keep questioning your place in the DA’s heart and risk becoming even more dependent on his or her validation.

Relationships with DAs are challenging and unpredictable. Until DAs understand the roots of their avoidant tendencies and commit to addressing them rather than reacting to them, even healthy emotions and reasonable expectations from you could feel threatening to them.

Sometimes, breakups are the only solution as they give them freedom and an opportunity to learn why they must change their ways.

4)Separation

The most painful stage of a dismissive-avoidant breakup is the separation stage. This is when one person finally pushes for the breakup, either the dismissive-avoidant or his or her partner, who may have grown tired of feeling undervalued and neglected.

It doesn’t matter who initiates the breakup because the dismissive-avoidant is done with the relationship. He or she has been done for a while but didn’t have the courage and communication skills to express it.

What’s the solution?

There is none. Once a person has detached and lost interest, you must leave that person alone. He or she has become your ex and must start going through the dumper stages of a breakup.

If you make the job harder for your ex by threatening, yelling, begging, pleading, or doing something equally desperate, you’ll make your ex lose remaining respect for you and hurt you deeply.

So let the dismissive-avoidant dumper have his or her space and privacy. Start no contact so that you don’t do something that makes you look weak and pushes him or her further away. You have to understand that the dumper doesn’t have any more love to give.

There’s no secret technique in the world that can magically trigger nostalgia or rekindle lost feelings.

The only way the dumper of any attachment style can respect, appreciate, and value you is if you show you don’t need him or her. That’s the only thing that will impress the dumper and allow the dumper to process the breakup naturally.

After the separation, dismissive avoidants feel relieved and elated at the same time. They think they finally managed to stop talking to someone they felt uncomfortable with, and that it’s time for them to put their feelings first.

Little do they know that they’ve always prioritized their feelings. They just weren’t capable of seeing it because of their lack of desire for a committed long-term romantic relationship.

5)Distraction

The last dismissive-avoidant stage of a breakup is the distraction stage. If you got broken up with, you likely know how avoidant the dismissive-avoidant is. He or she doesn’t show any interest or affection and is completely void of romantic feelings.

You mustn’t try to make the man or woman speak with you and feel something for you—or you’ll trigger his or her cravings for space and get hurt when you fail to get what you want.

A dismissive-avoidant could do a lot of things in this stage.

He or she could:

• spend a lot of time with his or her friends
• go out a lot
• drink and party
• blame you for the breakup
• talk badly about you
• focus on his or her hobbies and interests
• and indirectly show how little you mean to him or her

A DA could refuse to respond or communicate and perhaps even start dating someone else.

Whatever the DA does, don’t blame yourself for his or her behavior. It’s not your fault that someone you loved took you for granted and fell out of love. It may feel like it is because you’re the only one hurting, but that’s just the way breakups work.

When you regain control of your emotions and become more rational, you’ll see that dismissive avoidants do what they want. You can’t stop them or change them because they don’t want your help or change. In their minds, they’re doing the right thing because they think that their partner (or ex-partner) doesn’t understand them and respect their need for space and solitude.

How often do dismissive avoidants come back?

Dismissive avoidants don’t come back very often. They tend not to look back because they don’t miss the bond they had with their ex. You have to remember that they don’t value and crave connections very much. They prefer aloneness and complete control over their emotions.

That, of course, doesn’t mean they don’t come back, but that they come back less often than regular dumpers. They come back mainly if they fail, get hurt, work on themselves, and start missing the parts of the relationship that worked for them.

But that implies that they might leave again and hurt you once more.

To come back and stay, most DAs must sign up for therapy and fix their understanding of love. They must change their commitment to relationships and be much more communicative and self-aware.

If they do that, they might come back and have better relationships. Their return and success depend on many other factors, such as the quality of the relationship, their maturity, and the mistakes you made before, during, and after the breakup.

Did you learn anything new about dismissive-avoidant breakup stages? Which stage did you notice your dismissive-avoidant ex going through? As always, share your breakup story in the comments section below.

And if you’d like to discuss the stages of dismissive avoidant partners or exes with us, go to our coaching page to sign up for coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.