Just as ordinary dumpers go through the breakup stages, so do dismissive avoidants. DAs (dismissive avoidants) detach from their ex, fall out of love, find something or someone better or different, and enjoy their space and freedom.
By staying away from their ex and doing the things they love, they don’t have to feel guilty for failing to reach their ex’s expectations.
They can just feel positive emotions, including the emotions they allowed themselves to experience by breaking up with their partner (relief and elation). Dumpers, regardless of their attachment style are glad that their relationship has ended.
The end of the relationship signifies the end of commitment and suffering for them, so they typically aren’t very regretful at all.
They’re perfectly happy as they prefer space and quiet as opposed to staying trapped in a relationship in which they don’t feel the way they want to feel. That’s why you won’t see your ex sad and heartbroken the way you do in Hollywood movies.
You won’t see him or her come knocking on your doors and professing love to you. As much as you’d like that to happen, this is how dumpees feel because they didn’t want to break up. They wanted the relationship to continue and get stronger.
Dumpers, on the other hand, want to break up very badly. They think they need to go separate ways so they can stop pretending everything’s okay.
The problem with dismissive avoidants is that they have a hard time bonding with people. They take relationships way less seriously than average people because they don’t think there will be any negative consequences to leaving their partner.
Sure, they’ll lose a person they got to know and had plans for at some point, but in terms of anxiety and pain, they won’t feel any. To suffer, they would have to get attached to their partner and experience lots of self-doubt and separation anxiety.
And sadly, dumpers (dismissive avoidants or not) don’t experience separation anxiety.
They may think about their ex and the friendship they lost, but they certainly don’t miss the relationship the way dumpees do. Dismissive avoidants go through breakup stages in the opposite order compared to dumpees.
They start feeling relieved and elated and eventually (months later) reach the neutrality stage of a breakup in which they can experience issues and get hurt.
So if you’re thinking that dismissive-avoidant dumpers go through completely different stages than other exes, you’re deceiving yourself. The truth is that all dumpers go through the typical breakup stages.
The only difference between dismissive avoidants and other dumpers is that they don’t get very attached throughout the relationship.
They don’t consider their relationships to be their top priority, so they invest in themselves rather than their partner. They do this because they’ve been taught (or learned themselves) that being self-reliant (especially emotionally) is a strength whereas emotional dependence is a weakness.
There are a lot more dismissive-avoidant men than there are dismissive-avoidant women. Guys tend to shut themselves off emotionally while women generally communicate better. Of course, this is a broad generalization, but we all know how stoic some guys can be.
They don’t like showing emotions because society has wired them to be alphas who always keep their composure and remain in charge of their life. Some women have a lot of problem dating because of this belief. The moment their boyfriend hits a snag, gets hurt, and/or becomes depressed, they feel smothered and repulsed.
Consequently, they lose interest and feelings and want to be with a more alpha guy – a guy who internalizes problems and is less expressive and more explosive in nature.
Lots of things can create a dismissive-avoidant person, but the things that create a DA the most often are:
- bad parenting (parents with toxic traits who criticize their child and ignore their child’s feelings)
- life-threatening professions, such as soldiers
- traumatic experiences (breakups, abandonment during childhood, betrayal, drug abuse, mental health issues)
- and anything that makes a person close off to others out of control and self-protection
People aren’t born with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. They develop it (normally in their childhood). But just as they develop it, they must also have the self-awareness and willpower to reflect and “undevelop” it. It’s better for them and their romantic partners that they do because only then can they have healthy relationships with them.
If I’m completely honest, it’s not easy for dismissive avoidants to suddenly start desiring a person they never desired much when the relationship was at its peak. DAs can’t redevelop cravings out of the blue.
Something must motivate or force them to put themselves under the microscope and admit they have problems forming deep emotional connections and staying committed.
Dismissive people tend to put themselves in the center and do the things that enable them not to invest in anyone but themselves. And changing such self-centeredness is not an easy task. To change it, they must learn the importance of other people, lower their guard, and stick with their personal development plan for months.
Dismissive avoidance is a serious issue, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. All attachment styles can be improved or changed. People just need a good reason to do that. And a good reason tends to be something painful and out of their control.
In today’s post, we talk about dismissive avoidant breakup stages. These stages explain how dismissive avoidants perceive their partners and how they respond to them.
Let’s now talk about the dismissive-avoidant breakup stages dumpers go through before, during, and after the breakup.
1)Neglect and self-neglect
To understand dismissive avoidants, we need to start from the beginning. Before a dismissive avoidant boyfriend or girlfriend leaves you and pays no attention to you whatsoever, he or she goes through this so-called “neglect and self-neglect stage.”
In this stage. the dismissive-avoidant neglects his or her lack of feelings and commitment to you and continues to remain oblivious to the damage he or she is causing to the relationship. The DA has been avoidant practically his or her entire life, so the chance of him or her noticing that something may be wrong (especially with him or her) is small.
When the DA notices that his or her partner’s worth has plummeted, it’s normally already too late to change feelings and perceptions. Too much damage has been caused to the partner’s persona to improve the partner’s value. That’s why feelings continue to decrease while doubts and frustrations increase.
Some DAs are so afraid of commitment (of the relationship progressing) that they self-sabotage their feelings and ruin the commitment they still have to the dumpee. As a result, they start avoiding the dumpee and appearing inconsistent with their words and actions.
You could notice them being into you one day and telling you all the right things—and then turning cold and disinterested the next. This kind of hot and cold behavior is very common for dismissive-avoidant people—and is a sign that they failed to notice the origin of their dismissive tendencies and do something about them.
You mustn’t confuse a dismissive avoidant for a fearful avoidant. A DA normally has a high view of himself or herself and wants to explore other options before committing. A FA, on the other hand, often has low self-esteem and is ruled by the fear of something bad happening and hurting him or her in the process.
So if your ex was a dismissive avoidant, your ex’s feelings for you likely fluctuated a lot. That was how your ex gradually became doubtful of your ability to make him or her happy, made you crave validation, and decided to chase happiness elsewhere.
In the neglect and self-neglect dismissive-avoidant stage of a breakup, the DA is fully focused on himself or herself rather than the issues at hand.
That’s why it’s not unusual for him or her to:
- ignore your texts and calls
- lie to you about his or her whereabouts and availability
- pretend he or she is sleeping
- avoid communication
- avoid bonding moments
- refuse to plan the future
- say he or she has other/more important things to focus on
Relationships with avoidant people are hands down some of the hardest relationships out there. They are on par with narcissistic, borderline, and toxic relationships because they push-pull you back and forth and make you question your worth as a person.
2)Conviction
When a dismissive-avoidant thinks about breaking up with you for a long time, the DA starts feeling convinced that the breakup brings him or her more joy than the relationship.
Such relationship-destructive feelings make the DA certain that the other person is not a good fit and that he or she needs to look for additional reasons why the relationship can not work.
Finding additional reasons allows the future dumper to confirm that his/her hunch was right and that something is indeed not going well for them. Of course, the DA doesn’t know what that is. All he or she knows is that it doesn’t feel right and that the relationship is not fulfilling for him or her.
That’s when you might hear the dismissive-avoidant person point out your flaws and everything that is wrong with the relationship.
You could hear sharp remarks like:
- I don’t like the food you cook
- I’m tired of listening to you
- Why do you have to talk so much?
- Can you let me watch tv?
- I don’t know if I can go on vacation next week
- Don’t come over today
- I just need some space
The last comment indicates that the DA is in the conviction stage of the breakup as he or she is looking for reasons to avoid communicating rather than finding ways to resolve his or her lack of romantic interest.
So when the dismissive-avoidant expresses things like that and starts pushing you away, it’s normally already too late to fix the relationship. He or she is on the verge of transitioning into the detachment stage from which it’s nearly impossible to get out of.
3)Detachment
Once a dismissive avoidant enters the detachment stage of a breakup, all hope is lost. In this stage, there is very little (if any) communication, love, and mutual goals left. The DA has already decided that his or her partner is unworthy of commitment and that it’s best for him or her to spend some time alone.
Some dismissive avoidants will blatantly express they want to be alone, whereas others will just disappear. I have noticed that since dismissive avoidants are often terrible communicators, they usually just vanish into thin air. I’m not saying they ghost, but they seem to forget about their partner and focus entirely on themselves.
They basically act like they’re single and that you’re okay with what they’re doing.
Once you’ve noticed your partner has detached, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make him or her reattach. You can’t reason with your partner and force him or her to love you and make plans with you. Love doesn’t work that way because once a person loses feelings, it’s up to him or her to regain them.
And they tend not to regain them because not being attached gives them a sense of control.
All you can do when a dismissive-avoidant person detaches is to have a relationship/breakup talk as soon as possible. Delaying it won’t change anything. It will just make the DA feel more trapped and less patient.
Breaking up is the last thing you want, but it’s what you need. If you keep witnessing avoidant behavior, you could continue to question your place in the DA’s heart and become much more dependent on his or her validation.
4)Separation
The most painful of all dismissive avoidant breakup stages is the separation stage. In this stage, someone pushes for the breakup. It could be the dismissive-avoidant or even the dismissive-avoidant’s partner if he or she is tired of feeling undervalued and neglected.
It doesn’t matter who initiates the breakup because the dismissive-avoidant is done with the relationship. He or she has been done for a while but didn’t have the courage and communication skills to express it.
What’s the solution?
There is none. Once a person has detached and lost interest, you must leave that person alone. He or she has become your ex and must start going through the dumper stages of a breakup. If you make the job harder for your ex by begging and pleading or doing something equally desperate, you’ll make your ex lose respect for you and hurt you.
So let the dismissive-avoidant dumper have his or her space and privacy. Start no contact so that you don’t do something that makes you look weak and pushes him or her further away. You have to understand that the dumper is out of love.
There is no secret technique on this planet that would trigger nostalgia or other relationship cravings.
The only way the dumper of any attachment style will appreciate you and value you is if you show you don’t need him or her. That’s the only thing that will impress the dumper and allow the dumper to process the breakup naturally.
After the separation, dismissive avoidants feel relieved and elated at the same time. They think they finally managed to stop talking to someone they felt uncomfortable with and that it’s time for them to put their feelings first.
Little do they know that they’ve always prioritized their feelings. They just weren’t capable of seeing it because of their lack of desire for a committed long-term romantic relationship.
5)Distraction
The last dismissive-avoidant stage of a breakup is the distraction stage. If you already got broken up with, you likely already know how avoidant the dismissive-avoidant is. He or she doesn’t show any interest and affection and is completely void of romantic feelings.
You mustn’t try to make the man or woman speak with you and feel something for you or you’ll trigger his or her cravings for space and get hurt when you fail to get what you want.
A dismissive-avoidant could do a lot of things in this stage.
He or she could:
- spend a lot of time with friends
- go out a lot
- drink and party
- blame you for the breakup
- talk badly about you
- focus on hobbies and interests
- and indirectly show how little you mean to him or her
A DA could refuse to respond or communicate and perhaps even start dating someone else. Whatever the DA does, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault that someone you loved took you for granted and fell out of love. It may feel like it is because you’re the only one hurting, but that’s just the way breakups are.
When you regain control of your emotions and become more rational, you’ll see that dismissive avoidants do what they want. You can’t stop them or change them because they don’t want to be helped. In their minds, they’re doing the right thing because they think that their partner (or ex-partner) doesn’t understand them and respect their need for space and solitude.
How often do dismissive avoidants come back?
Dismissive avoidants don’t come back very often. They tend not to look back because they don’t miss the bond they had with their ex. You have to remember that they don’t value bonds very much. They prefer solitude and complete control over their emotions.
That doesn’t mean that they don’t come back, of course, but that they come back less often than regular dumpees. They come back only if they work on themselves or if they start missing the parts of the relationship that did work for them.
But that implies that they might leave again and hurt you once more.
To come back and stay, most DAs must sign up for therapy and get to the bottom of their perception of love. They must change their commitment to relationships and be much more communicative and self-aware.
If they do that, they might come back. It depends on many other factors such as the quality of the relationship, their maturity, and the mistakes you made.
Did you learn a thing or two about the dismissive-avoidant breakup stages? Which stage did you notice your dismissive-avoidant ex going through? As always, share your breakup story in the comments section below.
And if you’d like to discuss the stages of dismissive avoidant partners or exes with us, go to our coaching page and sign up for coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I’ve read a few of these articles now in the past couple months and this one really struck a nerve. I’ve barely read about attachment theory but this article literally felt like it was exactly describing the last month and a half or so of my relationship with my now ex. I feel pretty confident in retrospect saying he was avoidant and I was anxious, but our relationship (I thought) was good up until the end, because I really do think that both of us were trying to work on our internal problems. I know that as I started to feel incredibly insecure towards the end (and couldn’t see the forest for the trees on just how much he was pulling away from me and thought that all the insecurity was my fault) that I was trying as hard as I could not to project my fears and need for validation onto him, because I knew it was something that I shouldn’t need to ask for.
Anyway, we’ve been broken up for nearly five months now and no contact for just as long, but last week he reached out to me to give me my stuff back, which has really put me in a tailspin. All I can do is think about him again and my hope he might come back, and reading about avoidant attachment style both helps clarify why things went the way they did but also makes me feel completely depressed at the perceived lack of chance he’ll ever change his mind, or the insinuation that maybe he didn’t love me all that much to begin with.
What gives me hope (and also keeps me stagnant to some extent since the hope makes it harder to move on) is that my ex has been in therapy for years, was in therapy the whole time we were together, and I’m sure is still in therapy now. I couldn’t recognize until our relationship was over his avoidance because he clearly made attempts to not lean into that nature. I don’t know if he knew that was the word for it, I doubt it, but he was self-aware enough to know that sometimes he had a hard time being “in touch with himself” and that it was something he had been working on for years. I just can’t help but wonder if this breakup and being in therapy will be enough to help him see that his avoidant behavior is what led to the conclusion of our relationship, and not anything about me or us in particular. I know he doesn’t harbor ill will towards me because even when he dumped me he had nothing to blame me for and when he reached out to me this last week he repeatedly told me he truly hopes that I’m doing well, and I guess I just don’t know how to let go of this hope that maybe he really could reflect enough eventually to want to give our relationship another shot. I don’t even know if I want someone to dash my hopes or to tell me they’re legitimate.
Hi Emily.
The guy cares about you, just not romantically. He wants to stay your ex because by doing so, he gets more time to focus on himself and experience freedom and relief. Don’t count on his therapy to make him change his opinion of you. If it hadn’t worked before, it probably won’t make him have an epiphany now either.
He’ll need to go undergo something big to perceive you differently and want you back. So work on losing hope and everything will be okay!
Best regards,
Zan
I am not familiar with Avoidant Theory, so I would like your opinion/advice.
Was in 13-year relationship with intelligent physician, now 57 years old.
2011 – Started dating – we were so in love it was amazing
2012 – She disappeared from the relationship for a week – depressed. said I was too reserved and didnt think we would make it. After a week, back to normal.
2013 – Engaged – she hesitated at first but then said yes. 8 months later, as we were moving in together, she got cold feet. I said ok and we called off the wedding but stayed together and all was good.
2014 – She asked me to marry her, but we didnt discuss marriage again after that.
2014-2019 – About once a year, for a week or so, she would get depressed, question our relationship, always saying the same thing – you are not exciting enough. Then, all would be fine but each time I thought we would break up.
2020 – Another episode of the same. This time was different, it didnt go back to the same level of attachment. This coincided with menopause – she struggled with hormones, lost her affectionate side, and had pain with intamacy. She told me to find someone to be intimate with. We have been ok since, but she puts in no effort at all.
2024 – Another episode. Says “what are we doing, we’ll never grow old together, you arent fun enough, and am guilty because I cant give you what you need, you deserve someone better” I asked if she wanted me to leave. She was very depressed and quivered “yes” so I left.
Sent a note the next day that said thank you for a wonderful 13 years., Goodbye. She replied she was hurting, that I was always the positive one, and she didnt want to tell anyone because they would be mad at her for leaving the perfect man but she had to because I deserved better. Ten days NC.
Other note – she’s adopted with great parents but resents her birth parents. Probably an unhealthy ESTP being extremely critical, rude, selfish, history of bad relationships (not just romantic), values others based on the fun level, no filter.
So, what are your thoughts? Avoidant/which type? What’s going on in her head? Will I see her again?
Should I? Thanks a lot!!
Hi J89.
She has a lot of unresolved issues, including doubts and long-term depression. She can’t appreciate you until she appreciates herself and understands that she can’t feel connected with you due to her mentality. I don’t know if you’ll see her again, but if you do, you need to make sure she’s fully committed to you. You can’t be with someone who isn’t certain about you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello !
I was dumped by my ex after 6 months of dating. I was his first relationship (we are 40). He showed me he loved me when we were together, he also told me he loved me and we were very happy for the first few months. Then we started to have more serious conversations, and he started having doubts. When it was all over, he told me he wasn’t (and had not been) in love with me, and did not miss me since the breakup (it has been 6 months now).
He has so many reasons why he doesn’t think it could work out, almost as if he rationalized everything. Many many reasons ! He says he feels relieved that it is over. We did not fight, but he said he did not think that we were a good match, for so many different aspects, some of them I feel he just constructed in his head (as in, they were not problems yet but he thought they would become problems later on). It is good that he broke up, because he was unhappy. He says that he is happy to be on his own now. But I feel blindsided. How could I feel he loved me but he says the contrary ? He seems to be avoidant, and as if he got cold feet. It is the impression I have.
I wonder if he will ever miss me. Avoidants, as I understand, miss people but later on… but if he never truly loved me he probably will not miss me either… Can it be that he really never had feelings for me ? I am confused. We are in contact, and he says he cares about me but not in a romantic way.
Hi Kellya.
He does resemble an avoidant. Due to issues that probably stemmed from childhood, he focused on the bad things rather than the good and detached rather quickly. It took him 6 months to fall out of love, which shows he wasn’t emotionally capable of being in a long-term relationship. Because the relationship got serious and expected him to step up, he essentially got cold feed and feared losing his independence. This fear led him to look for flaws in the relationship and made him relieved when he was alone.
I think he felt infatuation and some form of love, but wasn’t able to stay in love because of his avoidant attachment style and relationship mentality. You need to cease contact immediately!
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you very much for your kind answer. It makes a lot of sense and it I feels good to read that he might have felt romantic feelings towards me (that it was not all in my head), even if now he says it was not. It is impossible to know, but I felt it when we were together.
He says he would like to stay friends but I am not sure that I am capable to be just friends with him… without feeling hurt. we were friends for years before dating and have many friends in commun, so we will stumble upon each other in the futur and it is therefore impossible to cease all contact. But I might still need time to heal my heart before being friends again. Also we still feel desire for each other when we meet, so we might both not be really ready.
I do wonder if by staying friends he might realize later on that we were good for each other. But it also keeps hope alive for a change of heart… but I guess I am focusing on the potentiel and not the reality of the situation, which is that his behaviour triggers the anxious side in me.
I wonder how to become more secure, in order not to feel such strong emotions of joy and sadness, depending on the affection or the withdrawal on his part. I would like to focus on my healing, so that I become stronger, more grounded, and don’t repeat this pattern of feeling so much love and then feeling it crushing down.
It felt so good to be loved (I had been single for a long time) and the suddenly of his changing heart is hard to cope with sometimes. I don’t know where to start this healing journey.
Hi Kellya.
You’re definitely not ready for friendship. If you agree to be friends and act like it, you’ll keep your expectations high and wait for him to want you back. You won’t detach and heal because you’ll keep hoping for him to want you back.
He probably won’t realize he wants you back if he stays friends. That’s because he won’t miss you romantically when he gets most benefits for free. He’ll feel no sense of urgency either. So if he makes you anxious and you don’t want to get stuck in the friendzone with him, I strongly suggest cutting ties with him.
To feel more secure, you have to distance yourself from him and discover your worth. Figure out what you’re good at and why you deserve love. This will make you stronger and less vulnerable to rejections.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi. I’m going through this rn and would want to ask where did your knowledge come from? Was this based on your experience? I’m having a hard time processing and you took a logical approach as to what’s going on in their minds. He just black and white ghosted me on a random day. I gave him my evrything. I loved him unconditionally. I’m well read, educated, worldly and intelligent woman but this really makes me question my worth. I’ve been through divorce, past relationship break ups and child trauma but that pain doesnt compare to the damage of breaking up with a DA. I was Blindsided. It’s beyond detrimental and I feel like I won’t be able to heal long term.
Yes you can heal, you can do it—and it won’t be a long time either. These DAs take out their issues on others, they know what they’re doing. He doesn’t see that he did anything wrong because his relationships have been work for him. When a little doubt comes up—he’s gone. He showed you who he is, DAs get a little dopamine hit when they leave Peach. They’re hard wired like that, you can’t fix that. I just say when mine comes around, “Looking to get back in touch-have you worked on anything? And then when I hear the same nonsense “Not with me you’re not.”
He can go take out his issues on someone else. There’s plenty of desperate doormats out there for these guys. You’re not one of them.
Sorry to jump on but this is such a great reply. They really are awful people to their partners, not to their friends, they would NEVER do their friends like they do us which to me backs up your line that they know what they’re doing.
And Peach I’m 2 months out now, felt like you at the beginning and I can tell you it gets so much easier. As the clarity comes to just how horrible they were to you it gets easier trust me.
Hi Peach.
I write from my own experence from observing dumper behavior for years. Of course, my breakups help too, but most of my knowledge comes from talking to ex-couples and studying their behaviors and patterns.
I’m sorry that this person hurt you so badly. Rest assured that his ghosting has nothing to do with who you are as a person. People ghost because they lack the tools to communicate and resolve difficult emotions. They choose to run away from unwanted emotions/situations even though it hurts people. The reason you’re hurting more than before is that the guy didn’t validate you and make you feel fully loved. He kept you starved for attention and love and triggered your fears and insecurities.
Stay strong! You’ll pull through this!
Zan
What a great article! Thank you for this. I wanted to share my experience, and maybe get some perspective. I’m 38 female, and I only recently found out about attachment theory, and OMG, why I didn’t know about it few years ago… 2 months ago I broke up with my DA partner, we were together for 5 years. He is a wonderful person and I love him so much. I can’t imagine being with relationship with anyone else. But it was so hard, and when I realised it is really damaging my self esteem, and that I’m losing so much energy on saving relationship, I decided to end it. I had so much patience for everything, but eventually I felt like that drained me completely. We were bot unhappy, but it was so hard to do. When I read about DAs, I was shocked that he really check almost all the boxes, he is like some book example of it. And I finally understood him.
Red flags were there right away when we met. But, I was in the middle of my divorce, and when we met, those “boundaries” he had weren’t a problem for me, that actually suited me perfectly in that period of my life. So I don’t blame him for anything. I sincerely thought that kind of relationship is what I need. Long story short, my marriage ended because me and my husband grow apart after my breast cancer treatment, when we completely lost our sexual life. After almost 3 years in sexless marriage, after I decided to move out, I met this man. It wasn’t just a rebound because we fell in love deeply, but I was really focused on becoming independent person at that time, I didn’t want a “new marriage” and I guess that attracted him even more. There wasn’t love bombing, but there was “you are the one”. That felt so good hearing from someone who never was in a serious relationship. (I know… major red flag) First two years were perfect, we shared a lot of interests, I wasn’t bothering him with the idea of having family and kids, and we were just something like really close friends+lovers. But that kind of relationship is hard to maintain for a long time. I was so happy every time when I felt we are getting emotionally closer, but then he would become distant, then I would become disappointed, and he was sad he can’t make me happy. And it was like that again and again. Because of our jobs, it became really complicated to see each other, and I told him I think it would be nice if we could live together. That felt like I asked him to give me his kidney or something like that, no, I guess he would give me his kidney no problem. Then it got worse and worse. He claimed I expect him to lose his freedom, which was insulting for me, because I really never was a possessive person, I’m not clingy, I like my freedom as well, and I really think we could have had a nice life together. Everything became a torture, and I decided it needs to be over. He wanted us to remain friends, and then see what’s gonna happen, but I can’t do that. Few weeks after a break up I contacted him, and he told me that break up was traumatic for him but now he needs time for himself. I told him I can’t stay friends because it hurts me too much, but he insisted that he couldn’t stand losing me completely from his life. I don’t know what to do. Just him existing somewhere without me hurts me so badly. I can’t imagine if he starts dating again. I can’t imagine dating anyone else, I feel like my love life is over. But on the other hand I’m not a loner, I sincerely enjoy meaningful relationships, and I dream about having one sometimes. I was, and I am still attractive, and I could say that men were always interested in me, but it was always really hard for me to like someone, and at this age, especially with my cancer history, living in a city that is not so big, I think there is no chance I could meet anyone. I feel like I want us to go back together, but at the same time I know it’s not good for either of us, and besides that, I know it’s never going to happen. My main question is, what do you think, should I completely block him everywhere and cut any possibility for a contact? Everything is so painful…
Hi Willa Wro.
It seems that due to a lack of sex and bonding, you grew apart emotionally and decided to break up. You lost the drive to work on the relationship because you didn’t find ways to bond. Couples who don’t have sex must replace this craving (which gives a sense of connection and feeling understood) in other ways. They must express gratitude, go on dates, hug, kiss, and so on. It looks like you didn’t do that and slowly lost feelings and detached.
Your new relationship wasn’t your average relationship. It took a long time to get emotionally close, which is normally a sign that couples are taking things slow. The reason they’re taking it slow is usually not good. Oftentimes, it’s because they don’t want a serious commitment or because they have doubts and unresolved fears. I believe this person’s attachment style prevented him from giving you what you needed. You were always hungry and never fed. This led you to believe the relationship was perfect. In reality, he kept his distance because he couldn’t reciprocate emotions on your level. He was an avoidant, so bonding seemed like a chore to him. He thought he was losing his freedom and independence and that the relationship was becoming difficult to maintain.
I think the breakup needed to happen because he was never going to give you what you needed from him. He was only interested in a relationship without obligations. You should cut him off completely. You don’t need to block him, but feel free to do that if you can’t stop checking up on him and reaching out.
Best,
Zan
I’m here right now. For nearly 3 years he’s made himself and time with his friends and his hobbies the priority. He says this is just the way he’s always been in relationships and he understands he does have “emotional problems.”
Without a doubt he is a DA. I don’t really know why he was in a relationship with me, I seemed to irritate him just by existing half the time. Sleepovers were limited to 3 times a week, the relationship centered around him and his need for space and time with his friends.
I ended the relationship 4 weeks ago, he told me he thinks it’s for the best and that he genuinely hopes I find someone that can love me back properly. We haven’t spoken since.
It’s a kick in the teeth knowing I’m the only one hurting, he had no emotional connection to me the entire relationship yet for some reason I hoped that losing me would suddenly make him have one. Obviously it didn’t haha, and I’m the fool.
The hardest relationship I’ve ever been in but the red flags were there from the start, I only have myself to blame.
Thank you for the article. I knew he didn’t care and wasn’t sitting at home full of regrets but seeing it in black and white hits differently. Thank you.
Hi Lucy.
You’re not the fool. You saved yourself a lot of pain and suffering. Now that he’s gone, you can focus on loving yourself and finding someone who can give you the time and affection you deserve. This person wasn’t your ideal partner. He was far from it. Consider this relationship a lesson to love yourself and find a more compatible partner.
I know you’ll find someone more receptive quickly! Just make sure to heal first!
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you so much for your insight in this article. I am currently going through a breakup with a DA and he has started to believe like a stranger with zero empathy and I am just done with having a person like that in my life. Our situation is complicated because whilst we started off dating – I dumped him after 4 months because I felt he didn’t treat me right. We stayed friends with many blurred lines. We would repeatedly sleep in the same bed and spoon at his instigation. There would be huge amounts of what seemed like emotional intimacy between us… he would tell me he loved me, I was his best friend etc. This made me confused and questioning my own feelings… was I in love with him etc. Whenever I would broach the conversation or say I had feelings he would say he didn’t feel the same way, didn’t see me like that etc. Weird for two people who started off dating and had good physical chemistry. One day he confessed that he didn’t think he was good enough for me. He then started backing away and it was obvious and naively I chased him… shocked at his behaviour. It turns out he had met a girl who later became his girlfriend. He then “broke up with me”. I chased him for a while, in shock at his cold unempathetic behaviour. He came back after about 6 months but I didn’t want him back and refused to resume the friendship. He was persistent with those vague out of the blue texts remembering my birthday etc. After a year I accepted him back as a friend. I made him earn my trust and for a long time he made a lot of effort to keep me in his life. He would spend time with his girlfriend on the weekends and dedicate a lot of emotional energy and time to me during the week. Anyway, after a year and a bit he broke up with the girlfriend and surprise surprise starts getting closer to me. We went away together and he cuddled me the whole time, the spooning re-started, he told me he loved me and would tell me he loved me on multiple ocassions, he told me he was physically attracted to me after all. Many times the spooning would be with him with an erection but any time I discussed the situation I was told that he was too scared to risk the friendship to do anything with me and on on occassion that he spooned me only because I was cold (I am considered to be a beautiful woman) so this was truly laughable. He later confessed that he had gotten so freaked out about his emotions that was why he said such a stupid thing. I have to give him credit and say this boy did everything for me around my house and was there no matter what. He would tell me doing things was his way to show love and he did things like come to my graduation which was very far away when he didn’t even go to his own. But then he started pulling away, randomly ignoring me or becoming uncommunicative that caused many arguments until things started getting worse and worse and he seemed less and less invested. I couldn’t handle it anymore and broke up with him. He actually cried. Sobbed like a little boy who had never done that before. But the next day when I thought maybe I had done the wrong thing and tried to reconcile with him he told me he needed a break. Turns out he had met another girlfriend and since then his behaviour towards me has been despicable. So cold and lacking in empathy. I was hospitalised recently and it was clear he did not give a shit. I could see him trying to leave the door open though saying if we were meant to be in each others life we would be. It has been 5 years and during this time I have not been capable of being in a relationship with anyone else whilst for him there have been a conveyor belt of women -primarily women he was only having sex with. I realised recently that loving him and this persistent desire for him to choose me was like self harm directed at myself. The most horrible part of it has been the fact that he was right. I am too good for him. I am more objectively more attractive, more successful professionally, earn more etc etc but he has consistently made me feel I am not good enough for him. Well until today. After reading this, I am going to block him. Thank you for your clear insight.
Hi Keisha.
He was nice to you only when he could benefit from you. The moment he found a new girlfriend, he discarded you and treated you terribly. I want you to know that this person couldn’t make you happy. You faced the same problems all over again, which is a sign that the relationship wasn’t progressing. So despite him coming back, things stayed the same. Intimacy didn’t improve and neither did his behavior.
Make sure to stay away from him for good now. You spent more than enough time on this person. It’s time to give someone more developed a chance.
Kind regards,
Zan
Keisha,
You might want to look at what you were getting out of carrying a torch for this DA. Sure, you can ruminate for 5 years and obsess about what shaped his childhood and his experiences along the road of life that determine his mentality. But at the end of the day, a lot of it is our own ego that defeats us. We can’t seem to understand why, if we are attractive, smart, and self-reliant, why does this DA not want a relationship. But none of these things matter to a DA. He gets his needs met via wherever he finds the opportunity. You are just someone who was unfortunate-you crossed paths with him, and bought into it.
5 years is a long time that you can’t get back, so make the most of what you learned here. What is Keisha going to do? Why did Keisha tolerate this for so long? These are questions you should be delving into as a way forward. At the end of the day—you know how to get over grief? By replacing this DA.
Zan once said to me, “At least you won’t do this again and you’ll see the signs the first time.” That really helped me. Also, some guys have issues. I’ve decided they’re not going to work out their bs with me. I’m oversimplifying a bit but you will come to the same conclusion. In fact, you sound like you already have. You identified correctly that putting up with a DA is a form of self harm. So why do you want to harm yourself Keisha? Ask yourself where this is coming from.
While I’m here—I mooned over a DA who was almost 60. He played the PTSD card on me, but you know what? The first thing he does with people is give them his military resume. That way, he was assured of getting a free pass when he acted like an asshole.
Your DA is going to get worse not better—look how this is working for him. He’s got you tied in knots while he’s getting his needs met elsewhere. Also, the erections. He is withholding sex from you and pretty much everything else. Soon he’ll up the ante, so run, and don’t look back. Blocking sexual urges like that means that he is very calculating. Why? To hurt you. And don’t think that’s not premeditated. His sexual promiscuity you describe is gross and bullying. This behavior is just plain bullying. What is he compensating for?
In my case, I started to pick up on my DA’s tattooed look and biker life, and pretty soon I figured out that this is a very common thing that closeted men do to compensate. My DA had decades to perfect his nonsense. He took out his hostilities on unsuspecting women he met online, I was one of them.
In my case this lasted a little over 2 years until I was strong enough to change numbers.
Send this loser on his way Keisha.
Thank you both for your comments. Wow, they were both so hard to read 🙁 even though I know that both of them are true. I feel really stupid, ashamed and embarassed that I tolerated this BS for 5 years of my life :(. The love of my life, my first love and husband died 6 years ago. 1 year later I met the DA. Physically he has some similarities with my late husband although my husband was a wonderful, kind loving DA. But after he died, at first I feel into the hands of a Covert Narcissist, then briefly an addict and then this DA :(. I am a very, very young widow and I wonder whether I have tolerated such bad behaviour because of the fact that I lost all my self-esteem when my husband died (by suicide). The whole world thinks I am so strong and successful and yet behind the scenes i’ve been allowing this. I hope that I will not allow any more of these messed up people to create chaos in my life.
Sorry my husband was definitely NOT a DA, he was securely attached! I know nothing about avoidants until I met this DA and I do not consider myself to be anxiously attached.
Hi Claire.
We tend to take DAs’ behaviors personally rather than holding them accountable. I suppose we do this because they deprive us of love and hurt out perception of ourselves. Your ex also made you pity him for being through so much. You can’t let his experiences and issues affect you like that again, Claire. At some point, you have to say enough is enough and protect yourself (do what you need to be happy). I’m glad you managed to do that in the end and that you’ve learned it’s not your job to fix people’s lives. You’re a partner, not a full-time psychologist whose job is to heal.
Yes, you can and should help. But you’re not there to resolve problems people have no desire to resolve. Women may be inclined to fix guys’ emotional problems, but sadly, they don’t have the power to do that. Not when guys had issues for years. At the age of 60, it’s not unfair to expect they should have most things figured out.
Guys typically don’t respect women enough (they’re too close to them to take them seriously), so they end up hurting their female partners even though they’re just trying to help.
Please stay away from this individual. Don’t interact with him ever again. Not even a “hello.”
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan, thanks for this article, it has enlightened me to what happened with my relationship with a dismissive-avoidant exboyfriend. Everything was good at the start, the effort on his end was there but i noticed hes not so much into emotional or physical intimacy and saw some red flags initially where i have to always compromise on things and he seldoms acknowledges and apologizes. at the 3rd month of dating, i noticed he totally lost empathy and understanding on what im going through and when i asked for space for him to realize i was hurting, he ended things abruptly, without warning and without any emotions. i felt i havent know the person ive dated for the past 4 months. it was hearbreaking, i wish i should have known his type of personality before so i could have prepared myself. i am a securely attached person, but this person will make you question your worth and will somewhat make you drained in the end… i pity the person as he needs help, i know deep inside he loved me in the best of his ability but something in him makes him feel the relationship isnt right….
Hi Sheena Marie.
He must have had doubts. The whole relationship lasted only 4 months, which to me, shows it couldn’t get past the infatuation stage. There were some serious unresolved issues that prevented the relationship from growing. Most likely, the guy had an avoidant attachment style and took you for granted as soon as he stopped feeling infatuated. There wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent the breakup.
It’s time to distance yourself from him and fall in love with yourself.
Sincerely,
Zan
This article helped me so much and it validated my feelings since we know a DA leaves us confused. My story is I was with a DA for almost four years. We lived together three of those years. Due to his work schedule and my work schedule some of his absentee of emotion I excused due to being apart a lot. I believe we were together as long as we were because I tolerated and accepted his lack of effort. I was the one who did most everything for us so of course he would stay with me. I made his life easy. I did always feel frustrated with the disconnect of his ability to have a deep relationship with me. I never felt a partnership or that he let me in. One our third year I decided I need to move out as he was starting to be verbally abusive and lying about gambling. I moved out thinking we were still together. It was three months after I moved out I discovered he was not out of town for work and lying. When he called it seemed like he was on a date. He told me he wanted space FROM ME. I was devastated even though I knew I didn’t want to be with him since year one it triggered some sort of abandonment issue within me. I was broken hearted for a few months and went no contact with him. After 6 months apart we rekindled our friendship (he endlessly called me and I ignored him for that long) and what I thought was working towards being together again. However, he was worse than before. More distant, more guarded and began to deactivate again! This time when I realized strangers I meet are more generous and kind to me then he was it really mad me sad with what I was tolerating. He gave nothing in return. In the end I dumped him, which I admit felt amazing and never looked back. He helped me because I was no longer in love with him. There was nothing left to lie to myself about. It was a hard path but I needed to give it one more chance to see if anything had changed. I had changed yet he had not. I thank you for this article as I read it often. It helps clarify the confusion DA’s cause us and validate that I did not do anything wrong to push this person to this behavior.
Hi Janie.
Although you changed, he didn’t. He never addressed his issues because he thought you were responsible for his problems and leaving the relationship. A guy like him is not going to grow and be more receptive to you. I don’t see that happening because he doesn’t have a reason to try harder.
I suggest you work on accepting the breakup and seeing him for the person he is. When you detach, you won’t need him anymore, nor crave him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Oh wow this is the most spot on article on DAs that I have read! And I have read a lot.
My boyfriend started with “Why do you have to talk so much?” about 5 months into our relationship. That one really stung, but I tried to talk to him about it being hurtful and then moved on.
He began sometimes falling asleep immediately if I was talking about something he didn’t want to talk about. He would also say he had more important things to do. I thought he was just kind of selfish and unaware.
Then 7 months into our relationship he told me, “I don’t know if I can go with you to your parents for Xmas next week,” and when I returned home, he didn’t keep to a set date we had. Those both really hurt and I almost broke up with him over the second one.
We stayed together through New Years when he began being more distant but still wanted to hang out all of the time. He had just gotten a puppy and I know was stressed about that, so I chalked it up to that.
He then texted me, “I need some space.” He ghosted and only answered a text about exchanging our belongings. He was short and abrupt with strong boundaries in person when we exchanged.
As your article says, do you think it’s past the point of repair since it made it to the final stage?
We were out of contact for a month when I texted him so it’s only been 1.2 months or so since we “broke up.”
Hi Sally Jane.
Right now, it’s too late to reconcile. He’d developed a negative opinion of you. What you should be asking yourself, Sally is why you want to be with a guy like that. There were times you wanted to break up, so what’s getting back together going to change? If you ask me, he’ll leave again very shortly. He won’t suddenly learn to communicate and give you the respect you deserve.
I suggest you stay in no contact and work on yourself. As you detach, you’ll begin to realize that you dodged a bullet.
Sincerely,
Zan
We met and struck it off. Went out of town for my birthday i had never been so happy in a long time. I noticed i was being ghosted and when I got a call she said she did not think it would workout. She had been divorced twice last one was within 7 months, i think. I felt maybe we were moving too fast took a step back sent flowers and things got a little better..only to be told again that she was not ready for a serious relationship and when she was ready she was not sure if it would be me. We talked and kept getting intimate still and even made plans for a weekend together she cancelled, would not take my calls but would exchange texts then suddenly she stopped responding to the texts and i was told “…I wish you the best but please do not contact me anymore if you do i will not respond”. It felt like she was ready then fights it off again. Is it done? I went no contact going on 4 weeks now
Hi Babatunde o elebe.
I don’t know if it’s done forever, but it’s definitely done for now. She’s not interested in dating anymore, so you must let her be. Stay in no contact and let her come to you if she wants to.
Best regards,
Zan
This one needs to be deleted please, kind Zan—Big error
Yeh my girlfriend just kept pushing me away and I could tell someone else was on the scene. She did not admit that but it was obvious. When I asked she got angry and told me it was crossing bounds to ask. Well I was scared and any way I had the right instinct. She asked me over one last night and we got intimite. I still do not know why she did that. It was like it was before and we were close and loving. Then pushed me away again week after and soon later she sent me an email to my work email! Saying she feels crowded and needs to be totally alone. No more relationships. So she can heal. This is after we’re together coming up 3 years. So she blocks me and cut me off everything and still will not answer my messages 5 months later. Small world b/c a guy my cousin used to go to school with posted pictures of them out together spending a weekend. How she hooked up with him I can’t tell. A real mystery. They are hush hush but my cousin says they spend all their spare time together and at movies and go to dinner. So this is her celebate life. Interesting lie. I have some stuff at her place and she does not reply to me to give it back. So I guess it is gone for good like her. He is a kind of freaky guy to and not many friends. I know she will get bored fast. To late. I am never taking that back. All about her self and her needs and no care for hurting anyone who loves her. I never hurt her an was never unfaithful. I am done. Good luck to both them.
Hi K Pascoe.
Sorry you had to go through that. Your ex has a lot of growing up to do. She has to learn how to communicate and be a faithful partner. Sadly, she’ll learn the things she needs to only when the same thing happens to her.
But when that happens, you’ll be completely over her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan,
Aren’t DAs just doing what’s best for themselves by prioritizing themselves throughout? Not arguing with you, your blog has the best thinking out there, but isn’t that what you advise we should all do—love ourselves more than the dumper by prioritizing ourself? And is that lack of self prioritization a contributing factor of the breakup some relationships—thus making the dumpee’s lack of spine ultimately a big factor of their own breakup? I was wondering if you could write a piece that explores this dynamic more?
Hi Claire.
They certainly are doing what’s best for them. But we shouldn’t defend their behavior because in that case, all negative behaviors would require us to be understanding and tolerant. We should prioritize ourselves after the breakup, but not in such a way that it hurts the other person. That’s not self-care, but a lack of care for others.
Some relationships end because dumpees don’t take care of themselves, you’re right. But even more often, relationships end because people don’t communicate about their differences. I wrote about this in the recent article you suggested.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan,
Thanks for responding. I must say to all your readers that English is your second language. With that, your grasp of the nuances and intricacies of human behavior is all the more stunning because you’re writing all of it in English. I wish I was fluent in your native language and found some of your academic stuff, because I think you may be on par with some of the greatest writers in history—such as Chekhov or Hemingway. Your writing is on the same level as Joseph Conrad, who was a native of Poland (Józef Konrad Korzeniowski). I can’t recall where you told me you’re from, but I think it was from a country that once had considerable political turmoil in the middle of the last century. The way you understand what drives people’s motives, and your laser like insight, never fails to inspire.
Please mention the title of the piece you wrote that I suggested, so that others can read it after they read this DA article.
Hi Claire.
I don’t think I’m as good a writer as you say I am but thank you for the compliments! I’ve forwarded you the article that you suggested. I hope you liked it.😁
Kind regards,
Zan
I think NPD MLC and DA has plagued my 25 + relationship/Marriage,and a move to Spain was the final nail in the coffin,as there were many more opportunities in the new environment where she could act out more.
Hi Terry.
I’m sorry to hear that.
I hope you’re doing better now that you’re no longer together.
Sincerely,
Zan
I surely did dodge that bullet Claire! and I Thank God I no longer have to go through that HeartAche. Sad to hear that you’re Dad passed but thanks to Zan’s article we can now distinguish theses type of persons and hopefully provide Aid for those living through this.
Hi Zan,
Congratulations on another very enlightening article with a focus on avoidant dumpers, which builds well on your most recent one.
Many dumpees have suspicions that their ex was an avoidant. This article may help them understand the situation much better rather than entirely blame themselves for everything that went wrong.
Yet, the main message for dumpees is that the post-breakup approach to the dismissive avoidant dumper should still be exactly the same and, if anything, they should lower any hopes they have even more.
Hi BR.
Many dumpees indeed suspect that their ex is an avoidant or has avoidant traits as their ex is no longer interested in them. But that’s the way most dumpers are. They don’t have any more love for their ex, so they show their true colors (how they treat people they have no expectations of). And yes, dumpees should treat a dismissive-avoidant dumper the same as any dumper, while keeping in mind that DAs come back even less often than ordinary dumpers.
Sincerely,
Zan
big big bravo Zan!!
Always amazed me with such a unique topics.
now i understand what dismissive-avoidant breakup stages means
thank youuuu ❤️🩹
I’m glad you enjoyed reading the post, Linda.
Thank you,
Zan
Jodie,
I grew up with a career Navy Dad who was in for 20 years active duty and 12 years in the reserves. He had 3 families. There was a mountain of beer cans in our garage when he wasn’t deployed. He beat my brother all the time and ignored me when he was around. Which wasn’t much, because he was deployed 290 plus days out of the year. My Mom said he hated her too. I hated being home when he was around and rode my bike all day when there was no school just to keep from having to go home. It’s just the way it was. Would you like to know how he ended up? Alone down at the VFW with any old 60 something barmaid that would drive him home. He died in his recliner in front of the tv, alone. Your boyfriend will keep going from one relationship to another, leaving misery and destruction in his wake, because for him life is a game of musical chairs. He will go in circles while the music is on, and when it stops, he’ll end up with a Veterans Administration home health aide 1/4 his age who will tell him anything he wants to hear to get some of his pension benefits. Sad to say, but you are so much better off. These guys, when they first get out, blow their pensions on a Harley and ride around with each other all day, vote conservative, and are good for nothing but gallons of drunken piss. You dodged a bullet girl. You will see that I am right if he’s local where you’re at in a few decades.
SPOT ON ZAN!!!
My Ex is a dismissive avoidant. Had I known all of this information before maybe the relationship would have been better becaz he was detaching and I became increasingly dependent on his attention and validation.
He is a recent retiree of the army and he has had many short flings.
It’s been 9 months since the breakup he hasn’t called but I bumped into him last week, none of us said nothing to each other. Just yesterday I found out the whole time he was detaching from me, he was enamored with a girl that works in the same building as I did. That’s why we bumped into each other last week. I can admit, I feel really hurt after finding out this. I was a good woman to him but I now understand that this won’t and will never matter to him. He destroyed his perception of me by his own destructive emotional and ultimately monkey branched to another person. I haven’t dated since, but I think I’m fully equipped for my next romantic relationship
Hi Jodie.
Relationships with dismissive avoidants can make you feel like you’re not good enough, but that’s just an illusion. The DA is not good enough because he doesn’t realize what he’s doing to you emotionally – pushing you away and pulling you in. Try to avoid finding out what he’s up to so you can heal completely and start a relationship with someone new.
Sincerely,
Zan
Keisha,
Don’t feel ashamed. You didn’t know. You were looking to spend time w someone. Next time, be more careful. Zan taught me that you can control your heart, yes, you can choose. It’s a choice who you give it to. Again, don’t beat yourself up. This guy is who he is.
The signs to look for are a distant shallow affect. DAs are drifters. Sure, they may excel early in life at who knows what, but as they say in horse racing, blood will tell. What that means is, as they get older their true colors fly and their world shrinks. Your DA will age into a shut-in with a home health aide who will tell him anything he wants to hear. That’s how these different drummers end up—the toast of the nursing home or alone with a garage full of boats and motorcycles. You’re actually super lucky to make the break now before you make a baby or something with this DA and have to chase him for child support.