Updated on August 29, 2025
Many dumpees assume their ex has an avoidant attachment style because of how their ex behaves after the breakup. They often overlook the fact that their ex’s attachment style was evident throughout the relationship, too.
They just never paid much attention to it because they were caught in the moment and didn’t think it was important. But, unfortunately, it was important. Attachment styles shape how couples perceive and express love. When they’re incompatible attachment-wise, couples often expect attention and affection in ways the other isn’t able to provide.
That slowly drains their energy and makes them feel that they don’t understand each other. Such beliefs drive a wedge between them and can lead to a breakup if no solution is found—namely, learning to work together despite their differences.
Fortunately, attachment styles can be changed with willpower and self-reflection, as people have the capacity to discover their unhealthy tendencies and improve them. They can outgrow their insecurities, fears, and avoidance issues if they understand the importance of outgrowing them.
I suppose the biggest issue is that people don’t understand they have a problem. Or if they do understand it, they’re too comfortable with it to do anything about it. They don’t want to invest in themselves and be more compatible with their partner because they prefer to blame their partner for disappointing, offending, angering, and not understanding them. By doing so, they tend to gradually lose feelings for their partner and give up on the relationship altogether.
Giving up frees them from all problems and allows them to move forward without “wasting” any energy or time on the things that truly matter.
Such people seldom change. They don’t fear the breakup more than they dislike changing themselves for the better. Since the end of the relationship or the thought of the relationship ending doesn’t encourage them to change, nothing usually does. They stay avoidant and expect people to adapt to their problems and personality.
They want others to accept them or do the work instead of working on themselves and becoming more compatible with people.
From my experience, I see avoidants expecting their partners to:
- Be okay with their texting or hanging out frequency
- Accept their need for space without questioning it
- Tolerate emotional distance and lack of reassurance
- Understand their reluctance to commit or commit too quickly
- Adjust to their independence rather than challenge it
Avoidants essentially set the pace and want their partner to follow it. When their partner doesn’t follow it and wants more time, affection, care, or support, they tend to feel unheard and overwhelmed. Some even feel disrespected and call their partner needy, clingy, or ambitionless.
They lack empathy for their partner because they don’t see the point in being so close to someone they’re in a relationship with. Closeness doesn’t fulfil them, so they push their partner away and prioritize their independence.
If their partner presses harder and wants a deeper emotional connection despite their avoidance, they often get scared and abandon the relationship. They choose to stay guarded in their emotionally predictable and non-giving comfort zone.
Before we go into more detail and talk about whether your ex is an avoidant, let’s first make some things clear.
The reason your ex is acting avoidant (disinterested, cold, or different) after the breakup may not have anything to do with his or her attachment style. Your ex appears strange and unrecognizable to you simply because your ex is relieved and elated.
Most dumpers feel this way because they’d been dying to distance themselves from their ex and live their life freely on their terms.
The only exceptions are dumpers who’ve been forced to break up by their parents and depressed dumpers. But even such dumpers oftentimes feel relieved because they feel that their relationship was making things difficult for them and causing them unhappiness.
In simple terms, if your ex was caring and affectionate all the way until the end of the relationship, but now treats you like an enemy, your ex doesn’t have an avoidant attachment style. Your ex has a lot of negative thoughts and feelings and lacks the space to self-prioritize and enjoy life.
You’re probably reaching out to your ex and making it impossible for your ex not to feel guilty, scared, or unhappy. Whenever you make your ex feel things he or she doesn’t want to feel, your ex responds to pain, pressure, or fear in a way that protects his or her peace of mind, even if it ends up hurting your feelings in the process.
That’s why unreceptive post-breakup behavior and avoidant attachment styles are two completely different things.
Attachment styles describe how people relate to and connect with others. They shouldn’t be confused with detachment, which happens when a partner becomes an ex and no longer cares. If you think that your ex is avoidant simply because your ex is ignoring you or saying mean things, that’s not necessarily due to an avoidant attachment style.
It’s due to your ex’s loss of romantic interest, respect, and ways to benefit from you. Now that you’re an ex, you don’t add much value to your ex’s life, so your ex treats you accordingly. Your ex’s post-breakup treatment shows how he or she perceives people who no longer serve a purpose in his or her life.
In this article, we’ll explore different types of attachment styles and how they influence the way people form and maintain relationships.
Types of attachment styles
An attachment style, whether it’s avoidant, anxious, or secure, is usually formed in early childhood. It develops based on how a child was cared for and the circumstances he or she grew up in.
For example, a child who grows up in a strict, controlling, or abusive family is more likely to develop an anxious attachment style—characterized by uncertainty and fear in relationships. This happens because the child constantly seeks approval from his or her parents and struggles with confidence in his or her own worth and abilities. Anxious individuals often become people-pleasers, prioritizing the needs of others over their own.
Furthermore, a child who wasn’t loved much, was neglected, abandoned, or left alone for long periods of time, is much more likely to not be used to having deep connections and may even avoid them, hence the name – avoidant attachment style. A person with this style of attachment has a difficult time investing emotionally in romantic relationships. He or she is scared of putting his or her heart out there and prefers space. Space allows him or her to remain in control of his or her emotions and guarantees safety.
And lastly, if a child was loved and grew up in a supportive family, then that child is more likely to have a secure attachment style. A secure person feels comfortable in his or her skin and tends to form healthy connections. A secure attachment style doesn’t guarantee healthy relationships, but it does allow a couple to feel cared for and understood emotionally.
These are simplified examples of anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles. A person may also exhibit a mix of these styles, but for now, we’ll focus on these three main categories. Later, we’ll explain how attachment styles, particularly avoidant attachment styles, affect relationships, breakups, and reconciliations.
Having said that, below is a chart of the three most common attachment styles and the percentages of people with each style.
As you can see from the pie chart above, the most common attachment style is the secure attachment style, with about 60% of people exhibiting it. Much less common (although still too common) are avoidant and anxious styles, each accounting for roughly 20% of people.
This explains why so many people have trouble forming and maintaining healthy romantic bonds. This doesn’t even include all the other problems couples face, such as doubts, stressors, depression, disapproving parents, financial problems, disagreements, and different goals and communication styles. Considering all these issues and the prevalence of unhealthy attachment styles, the percentage of people who need to work on themselves is staggering.
It’s no wonder that so many couples break up. The odds are often against them from the very beginning.
So next time you think that you, your ex, or your partner have nothing to work on, remember that 40% of people have unresolved childhood issues. Many struggle with behavioral patterns and personal shortcomings that ultimately lead to a breakup.
I did too. But I had to get broken up with to realize it and do something about it. A breakup inspired me to reflect and make some necessary personal changes.
With that said, let’s now talk about the 3 attachment styles and figure out which style best suits your ex.
Anxious attachment style
If your ex had and probably still has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably invested in you a lot more than you invested in him or her. Your ex did this in the hope that you would provide more love and attention, helping your ex feel more secure.
Your approval meant the world to your ex because your ex lacked the confidence and self-esteem necessary to be emotionally independent. He or she hoped that you would fill that gap and make the job easier on your ex.
People with this attachment style tend to abandon relationships the least. They need (not just want) their partner to feel reassured and ready to face whatever challenges life brings. Sometimes they also seek approval externally (outside of the relationship) and cheat, and reattach to that person. But in my opinion, that happens mainly to people who lack appreciation for their partner or whose partner denies them the love they need to feel secure.
Anxious individuals need constant reassurance. Even briefly withholding attention or affection can make them feel worried and afraid for their safety. You may notice them calling or texting frequently, asking where you are, and, depending on their history, personality, and maturity, possibly even accusing you of infidelity. They hate feeling underprioritized and fear being abandoned, so they get desperate when they feel like they’re losing control.
To a secure person, an anxious individual can sometimes seem like a heroin addict—constantly seeking a “fix” of reassurance. If reassurance isn’t provided quickly and abundantly, an anxious individual may become increasingly distressed, scared, or clingy.
He or she often seeks attention through calls, texts, or other security-restoring behaviors.
So if your ex has an anxious attachment style, your ex probably often complained that you weren’t giving him or her enough attention. Your ex probably expressed it to you in a straightforward, accusatory manner.
Your ex-partner probably said things like:
- you’re not giving me enough attention
- I need you to be more available
- I feel like you don’t care
- why are you talking to that person and not me?
- when will you make time for me?
- you always put me last
Of course, these statements aren’t limited to individuals with an anxious attachment style, as a secure person might say them too. But for a secure individual, they’re much more situational. He or she might say them if his or her partner is pulling away or spending most of his or her time with friends.
Here’s what insecurity levels look like for individuals with anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles.
Partners or ex-partners with an anxious attachment style can get so anxious that they reach out constantly and try to get your attention and validation. They might cry, lash out, or do anything to show how hurt and upset they are by your behavior or absence.
It takes a lot of understanding and patience to not take their anxiety personally, not get overwhelmed, and to provide support (in the right ways) when it’s needed.
Anxious attachment people require a highly empathetic individual – someone who understands them and is ready to support them. These couples typically share a very close emotional bond and often rely heavily on each other for reassurance and validation. While this can create deep intimacy, it can also lead to tension if one partner feels overwhelmed or the other feels insecure.
Secure attachment style
The healthiest and most stable attachment style is the secure attachment style. As the name suggests, it’s built on a secure foundation, allowing couples to have loving, balanced relationships. People with this style typically aren’t overly anxious or detached. They maintain a healthy balance between seeking love and enjoying their own space.
If your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend has a secure attachment style, he or she probably appeared completely “normal” throughout the relationship. He or she was able to bond emotionally and express his or her needs in a healthy way. This means your ex had no problems talking about the relationship and planning the future.
Talking about the relationship came naturally to your ex.
Romantic partners with secure attachment styles don’t run after their partners and seek constant validation. They don’t feel the need to go out of their way to obtain recognition and acceptance. Instead, they feel loved and do things that make them internally happy. Things like spending time with friends, focusing on their careers, and engaging in fulfilling hobbies.
It goes without saying that when a secure person is happy outside a relationship, he or she brings joy into his or her romantic relationship as well. That’s because he or she has meaningful experiences to share and create with his or her partner.
Being secure doesn’t mean you never feel insecure. Everyone can feel threatened in some way, even avoidants. Sometimes people aren’t very mindful of their partner and unintentionally trigger his or her insecurities. That doesn’t mean their partner is insecure, but that they don’t pay enough attention to their partner’s feelings.
The key thing about a secure attachment style is that people don’t react impulsively and let insecurities ruin their relationships.
Avoidant attachment style
If you’re wondering whether your ex is an avoidant, allow me to explain how an avoidant would have behaved throughout the relationship.
A person with an avoidant attachment style is someone who, throughout the relationship, doesn’t require or desire a close emotional bond. He or she doesn’t have the same emotional cravings as his or he partner, most likely because he or she didn’t experience healthy attachments in childhood.
An avoidant person was raised to believe that deep emotional connections are meaningless (that they may hurt them) and that they have to put themselves first and rely only on themselves. They don’t do this on purpose, of course. They consider it normal and do it subconsciously out of self-protection.
Sometimes people become avoidant later in life, but that usually happens when they invest wholeheartedly and get treated badly, betrayed, or abandoned. They develop trust issues as a result of bad romantic experiences and feel they have no choice but to fend for themselves.
Most of the time, an avoidant attachment style develops because of factors such as:
- Growing up in an emotionally distant or neglectful environment
- Experiencing inconsistent or unavailable caregivers
- Learning to suppress emotions to avoid rejection or conflict
- Witnessing or experiencing trauma that makes closeness feel unsafe
People become avoidant because they get abandoned, unprioritized, mistreated, or abused by the people they love the most. They feel they have no choice but to close themselves off emotionally and rely on themselves.
Avoidants hold back their feelings and suppress their emotions. They do so whenever they feel that they’re slipping back to their old ways and risking getting hurt. Above all, they despise being emotionally vulnerable and would rather miss out on strong emotional connections.
Most of the time, avoidant people appear strong and independent. They need quite a bit of space, so they indeliberately starve their partners of love and validation. By withdrawing emotionally, they trigger their partner’s insecurities and unprocessed fears.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, he or she probably avoids highly emotional topics. Anything involving bonding or emotional openness can feel pressuring and make it harder for your ex to be him/herself. Your ex isn’t used to being so close to people, so bonding isn’t very high up on his or her list of priorities.
Your ex doesn’t miss it or need it as much as you do. When it comes to emotional needs, you’re simply different people. And that’s something that you likely noticed throughout your relationship. You probably wondered why your ex wasn’t as eager as you to talk about committing, talking about the relationship (especially the future), and going deeper emotionally.
Sometimes, the reason for a lack of emotional depth is emotional unavailability caused by the recent end of a romantic relationship. Other times, though, it’s because their avoidant attachment style prevents a person from expressing feelings and being vulnerable.
If you noticed your ex avoiding romantic intimacy, you’re probably dealing with an avoidant ex. He or she may be fully avoidant or have avoidant attachment tendencies.
That said, here’s how you can tell your ex has an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidants or those with an avoidant attachment tendency often seem a bit distant. Unlike others, they don’t place much importance on quality time or words of affirmation. They tend to prefer love languages that are easier to express and often require less time.
If your ex had an avoidant attachment style, your ex often rejected bonding and emotional conversations.
You probably heard your ex say things like:
- I’m happy on my own
- I’m fine, I don’t need to share everything with you
- I need some space
- I want Sundays to myself
- I want to do my own things
- I don’t like being pressured to commit or define the relationship
- Why do you need constant reassurance?
- I hate it when others depend on me
Do avoidant exes come back?
Although people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to come back than avoidants (mostly thanks to their deep-rooted fears and insecurities), avoidants come back as well.
They come back mainly because they experience difficulties connecting with people and fail to maintain relationships past the infatuation phase. When they realize that the problem isn’t with their ex but with them, they become regretful and nostalgic and come running back at lightning speed.
Some apologize and verbally ask for another chance, while others indirectly express regret and hint at wanting to get back together. The point is, avoidant exes come back when they encounter problems that make them reflect and crave the security they felt with their ex.
That’s when they stop running away and come back to invest in their ex.
Before they consider their ex their best dating option, though, they must become regretful and nostalgic. Nostalgia and pain must make them grow their respect for their ex and perhaps even encourage them to start working on their unhealthy tendencies. They must understand that they’re responsible for breaking up and that they have some work to do if they want to have healthy relationships.
Avoidant attachment patterns can be unlearned and replaced with healthier ones. But for that to happen, avoidants must realize their problems, know where they originate from, and understand why they must get rid of them.
So if you’re wondering whether your avoidant ex will come back, the answer depends on your ex’s self-awareness, how your ex perceives you, and whether he or she is willing and able to improve that perception. If your ex wants to grow as a person and can’t stand the thought of leaving you behind, you can be fairly certain your ex will return.
Your ex will do that because pain and regret will leave him or her no other option.
But if your ex refuses to do the work and blames you for his or her lack of happiness in the relationship, then your ex will probably move on, possibly to someone else—and continue to face the same issues with that person.
Your ex will probably have to find another avoidant person or a mature, secure person who will tolerate his or her inconsistencies. But even that won’t guarantee success. To have a successful long-term relationship with you or anyone else, your ex will have to learn more about his or her avoidance and commit to making permanent changes.
How to get back with an avoidant ex-partner?
Getting back with a secure person is difficult enough. But trying to reconcile with an avoidant ex is even harder because you’ll likely scare him or her off and get even more hurt. You won’t be able to convince an avoidant ex who doesn’t want to be loved by you that he or she can truly be happy.
If you try, you’ll overwhelm him or her emotionally and ruin your chances.
Avoidants are especially hard to get back with because they aren’t as nostalgic and emotionally vulnerable and dependent as other people. They generally avoid bonding with people, and don’t miss it as much or at all. They prefer to be their own bosses when it comes to emotions.
The only time they truly miss their exes is when things go really badly for them. And things go badly when they lose their sense of stability and security. That’s when they seek their exes’ attention and lean on them for various emotional needs.
If you want to get back with an avoidant ex, remember that your ex stopped dating you to get some space from you and eliminate relationship obligations. You mustn’t cry, beg, or threaten your ex now that your ex needs time to self-focus. You must understand where your ex is coming from and respect his or her emotions and decisions. If you respect your ex, your ex won’t think you’re selfish and despise you.
Obviously, you should use this time to work on yourself. Figure out why the breakup happened and what you must work on. If you do that, you’ll become a better version of yourself and look much more attractive when your ex decides to check up on you. You need to be better equipped for a romantic relationship and self-sufficient emotionally so that your ex thinks about you in a positive light.
Your avoidant ex will have to acknowledge his or her own mistakes and dissociate negative perceptions from you. Once he or she has done that, you can expect a text or call from your ex, asking you to give the relationship another chance.
If you’ve read everything so far and your ex fits the description of an avoidant, here’s my advice on how to make your avoidant ex miss you and want you back when the time is right.
- Cut your ex off for good.
- Apply the strictest no contact rule there is – the indefinite no contact rule.
- Avoid making breakup mistakes.
- Wait for the avoidant to experience difficulties with someone else.
- Allow him or her to reflect and improve (or at least commit to improving).
- Be patient and let your ex contact you and want you back.
And that’s it. There are no shortcuts or gimmicks when it comes to winning back the heart of an avoidant. You just need to be patient, focus on moving on, and let enough time pass for your avoidant ex to learn some valuable life lessons and realize your worth.
I don’t know when or if your ex will ever grow in ways that he or she needs to, but this isn’t something you can help your ex with. Your ex has to embark on this self-improvement journey on his or her own (without you) and realize that leaving you was a big mistake. When that happens, your avoidant ex may learn that he or she couldn’t reciprocate your feelings due to avoidance issues rather than different characters or personalities.
While you’re waiting for your ex to have an epiphany, remember that avoidants dislike excessive bonding and strong emotions, and that you won’t get back together if you chase and show your ex how much you care. Effort on your part will probably make things worse because it will trap your ex and lower his or her curiosity, respect, and regret.
The only way your ex can truly miss you is if you stop trying to control the situation and focus completely on yourself. That’s what allows you to maintain your value as an ex and naturally draw your avoidant partner back.
Is your ex truly avoidant, or does he or she just show avoidant tendencies? Comment below and let me know.
And if you wish to discuss whether your ex is avoidant and create a post-breakup plan, reach out to us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
What is a break up mistake? point three in “advice on how to make your avoidant miss you and get back together”.
My ex and I agreed to take a break, but he still contacted me and I still contacted him. So I would say, that we were even regarding breaking no contact rule?
Hi Helene.
A breakup mistake is anything that asks for attention from your ex and makes your ex feel uncomfortable. You should know that “breaks” are breakups and that the probability of him realizing he wants to be with you is small.
Best,
Zan
Can attachment styles change during the relationship? When I started with my ex she was kind of anxious as she was chasing me until I finally started to date her. On the other hand I was totally secure. However because she was afraid that I would dump her like her exes dumped did, she started to behave like an avoidant and I became insecure, I would say even anxious most of the time. I tried to show how much I loved her to make her feel secure and that I wasn’t going to do like her exes. She finally dumped me and felt that I was chasing her.
So, I guess attachment styles can change during the relationship depending on how your partner behaves and the dynamics.
Yes, they can, Carlos.
Attachment styles can change if people want them to. But they must work hard on them. I don’t think you have an anxious attachment style, but that her behavior made you anxious. This is a completely different thing as it’d be hard not to care about someone when her behavior is avoidant, unhealthy, and strange.
Sincerely,
Zan
I am shocked this stuff is not taught in school so we could have half a chance at finding a compatible partner.
I was in a relationship with a woman for 17 years with 8 of those married and living together.
She was 100% an avoidant dismissive person and I only learnt about attachment types a couple days ago due to us maintaining what I thought was a very close friendship for the past 9 years after her divorce and then she met someone and that was it, I was eliminated from her life with 1 day notice. I live over the other side of the country but it still hit me pretty hard due to our 25 years in our lives and I valued her opinion. Totally understood the need to no longer be in her life but she had been seeing him for a year and then gave me 1 day notice.
Anyway she had an awful childhood where her mum would get drunk all the time and she would have to manage her and her little sister. To finally find out why she hated giving and receiving affection, why when I got very sick she just left me to fend for myself for 2 weeks and would tip toe past the door so she did not have to check on me.
Heavy dislike of any emotional talk, manipulation, never taking accountability and it goes on.
In saying all that she is a great woman that I still admire. I would say that when we started seeing each other I was definitely in a secure mindset and then when we moved in I definitely towards half way started to need her approval so she totally changed me in that respect.
She ended up breaking up with me while I was overseas on a 5 week business trip and then never really explained what the reason was. To read the most likely reason is the fact she thought I would abandon her so she got in first blows my mind as it is illogical.
This knowledge makes me feel better in one way that I know now. It makes me feel sad in another way in that it seems she does not view me with the same level of importance. Something that always confused me was her recolection of share history, I could never reconcile it and was reading the way someone like this recoalls memories is actually significantly different & so they do not place as much importance on shared history over a expansive time period.
That also makes me sad.
Hi Adam.
What you need to understand is that it wasn’t your fault she didn’t give you the attention you deserved. It was her attachment style that prevented her from wanting to give and receive love. So use this knowledge to avoid self-blame. This person needed to address her childhood issues. But instead of doing that, she stayed on autopilot and starved you emotionally.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I have been in a relationship with a DA for a little over 2 years. I know she is a DA because we were casual for almost half a year, before I eventually confronted her that this in between state doesn’t work anymore for me and she had to make a choice between either being in a comited relationship or ending what we had, after 2 weeks she confesed that she loves me and chose for the relationship. I myself am DA as well (although not as extreme) and our relationship went very well because we both got all the space and closeness that we wanted from eachother.
A little over a year in our relationship she got pregnant and after some discussing we went for an abortion. She does have a history of depression and a few months after the abortion she started showing signs of getting mentally instable. The relationship went downhill fast and arguments became a regular thing.
Eventually on the 1 year annivarsary of the abortion she ended the relationship. She said she didn’t see a future with me anymore but still wanted to be friends as she does still really like me – her words. I begged for it not to end in the weeks after but eventually said I didn’t want to be friends and went into no contact. I saw her a few times when going to events we had planned when we were still together, we agreed to still do those as to not ditch our mutual friends.
After all these events were over and there was no more reason to see eachother the no contact more or less evolved into indefinate no contact. A few weeks back, about 3 months after the break up she started texting me after not hearing from her for about a month. She was in a quarantaine and just texted random things she thinks might interest me. Eventually when the quarantaine ended she asked if it’s ok if she also came to an event she knew I was going to be at. I more or less avoided her at that event, but talking was unavoidable. She looked like she was about to explode from stress and insecurity. I offered her a hug which she took without hesitation. After that she started following me around, tried to join conversations I was having with people etc. When the event was over she left almost immidiatly and came to gave me a hug and say goodbye.
It seems like she might be at the point of wanting to reconnect, I’m just afraid it might just be to become friends and not as lovers. I’m not sure how to progress further from this point, I’m still doing no contact untill she contacts me again, maybe because of my own DA style. How can I find out what her intentions are without pushing her away and what would be the best way to move foreward?
I’d love to hear what you have to say about my situation and how to move foreward. Thanks for all the great articles you have put out and have a nice day.
Kind regards
T.
Hi T.
If she wants to be with you, she has to express that to you. DA or not, she has to take the initiative here because she was the one who rejected you. It’s hard to say what she wants at this moment, but you can’t agree to friendship. If she wants you back, she’ll tell you that very soon! Also, if she reaches out, don’t be afraid to ask her why she did it.
Her intentions will reveal themselves to you sooner than later. You just need to wait a week or so.
Best regards,
Zan
I dated a Dismissive Avoidant for 4 years. I loved him and I think he loved me the best he could.
He’d say things like:
He hated people
He hated restaurants–because of people
He hated mingling….
literally anything to do with people he hated…I initially thought he was just an introvert, but it was beyond introversion.
He even told me that he had no empathy…and only cared about what happens to me or his mother…which might also be something beyond just being a DA honestly…
oh and he didn’t have any friends…I was his one and only friend.
But every time he’d break up with me or push me away…I’d just ignore him and do my own thing. He’d be back a couple of months later lol
He was like a big old grandpa cat trapped in a 30 year old’s body and I understood his routine and his need for space, so we bonded really well.
I thought he was Emotionally Unavailable and because I loved him I was also emotional unavailable…but I soon realized we were both avoidants (I’m an FA) and I liked the space in our relationship…to a point.
Eventually we had to have a real break up because he realized he didn’t want to be a husband or a father and I wanted a family…and realized he was the happiest reading books in his cabin in the woods alone…still sad about that…but it’s probably for the best.
I would say this though…IF you suspect the person you’re involved with is a DA it’s not worth it. I loved my DA to pieces, but there was a lot of emotional trauma it caused me and by the time our relationship was considered “good” I had a lot of trust issues with him from the constant rejection. I spent a lot of time crying over him and asking myself “why not me?” when he was the issue the entire time.
Hi Sarah.
A person who keeps leaving over and over again eventually leaves for good. He sees that you’ll always take him back, loses interest, and starts fancying other things or people. DA relationships are complicated and need a lot of work, Sarah. People need to change or improve their attachment styles as well as priorities in life. They need to do it for the sake of the relationship.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am finding it difficult to find out what is my or my ex partner’s attachment style. I believe I am the avoidant (fearful avoidant, I am anxious and avoidant at the same time I believe), and he’s the anxious one since he broke up with me because I was not showing him love enough, but I do love him still.
I am being confused because I read all over the internet that the avoidant is the one who dumps the anxious, and not the way around. So, am I wrong ? and I am the anxious and he’s the avoidant ?
Thank you for the article. I am rereading it to better understand my situation, but still confused.
Hi N.
An anxious guy can also dump an avoidant. This is because he doesn’t get what he needs to feel secure, so he often finds someone else to monkey-branch to.
It doesn’t matter what attachment style your ex has. If he left, he wasn’t as happy as he wanted to be.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan!
My ex is definitely avoidant. We have been dating for 5 years & he broke up with my 4 weeks ago because of space issues & some personal issues he is dealing with. I definitely have an anxious attachment style which can at times come across as too much. I have read tons of articles on the internet talking about how “no contact” and space really helps/works along with time. I am someone who is not patient & my ex is stubborn as well. I am hoping if I can give space & give him time & work on myself at the same time, he may end up missing me and come around.
Hi Amy.
If your ex is an avoidant, space is something he badly needs. He needs it not just to function properly, but also to respect you as a person. You may have an anxious attachment style, Amy, but you have to be strong now and exude confidence and high self-esteem. You have to work on improving yourself and becoming more secure. It’s very important that you learn and improve as much as you can from the breakup—and encourage your ex to do the same if he comes back.
Sincerely,
Zan
No contact is the answer. Always, and with avoidants more than ever.
Even if you had a really strong bond? Yup.
Even if you were the only person they opened to? Yup.
Even if they were not avoidant with you? Yup.
Even if you never chased them and they left you with no clear explanation? Yup.
Go no contact, guys. You start getting some fresh air and you show your ex that if he/she wants you, has to pursue you. Stop taking steps instead of them like you know better what they want and what’s good for their life… go live yours!
It’s so unfair we feel like we need to stand up for them while they’re just feeling relieved bc we’re not around. Give them time and space to regret.
Thanks Zan for reminding the importance of self-love to people who are suffering badly. There are so many ppl out there taking advantage of broken hearts. I suggest your website to anyone who is struggling with breakups. Your job is great!
Hi Rebecca.
No contact is indeed the answer. It exists to heal from heartache.
I created this website to dissuade dumpees from reaching out to their exes and getting hurt. I intend to keep it that way.
Thank you for sharing the blog with other dumpees, Rebecca. I appreciate it!
Kind regards,
Zan
Wow, I’m going through a breakup after a few days and your story is exactly like mine. I am you and my ex is your ex. Except we decided to stay friends and friendly because we ought to try it out as we have never done that with an ex before. The breakup was her doing but we ended it well. I’m just trying to hold it together and give her space. I’m very much more optimistic and open about my feelings than she is. This article about avoidant attachment explains her very well and she even told me she’s avoidant… makes sense for a doctor profession.
Hi Michael.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, she needs a lot of time to herself. She needs to realize she’s having difficulty expressing her emotions and must begin to work on her issues – preferably with a professional.
Thanks for the comment.
Zan
Avoidants can start to see their partner as the enemy. Innately they understand love to be dangerous, so they can slightly hate themselves for desiring it, but once they fully receive it they also start to have conflicting feelings for and hate elements of the person providing that love – because it starts to make them feel dependent themselves, and this is a dangerous feeling.
They resent people for being important to them. They then need to punish both themselves and the source for this feeling. Ultimately avoidants do crave more intimacy, but they will still punish and push away someone who provides it.
Hello Zan!
So my ex is definitely dismissive avoidant I have done the research and it has been confirmed by a professional. I read recently this week that they are very unlikely to initiate first with you. Thoughts on this?
-Melissa!
Hi Zan!
Absolutely fantastic article, thank You very much! I have been reading it many times and it may explain a lot of the relationship problems with my dumper ex (she).
I’m quite certain that i lean on heavily in to avoidant style, although there’s some parts which may point more to secure attachment style. Anyway the avoidant style is the defining one, certainly.
About my i’m not exactly sure. She seems to be 100% anxious, but what comes to opening emotionally and talking about bonding, or actually anything concerning commitment and plans for the future of our relationship we’re big NO-NO. Also the emotional bond didn’t seem so important to Her, only that i would be available and willing to be there for Her.
So it looks like she was more likely anxious, very insecure and dependent, but with grain of avoidant style too. I actually can’t quite crasp this one, She was that much mystery to me.
This makes me feel that breakup was unavoidable right from the start and there’s nothing i could ever have done to make relationship to last, no matter how much i loved, cared and provided for Her.
Sounds like an FA. Your perspective certainly didn’t help things to last, though…
What do you mean by that? I found his response confusing.
Thank you so much for this article. I wish I knew about the no-contact rule earlier, since I have only made things worse after she suddenly shut me down after things got too intense too fast.
My story: I met this woman (27) in March and we have dated for 2 months. Not long at all, I know, but it was very intense. I actually never have felt this way about another person, definitely not in such an early stage. I was convinced that she felt the same about me, we would talk every day from morning until evening over voice memos, (we live long distance) she was very interested in getting to know me and what kind of things I would want to do with my future partner. She was definitely seeing if I would match up the profile that she has in mind. She told me it felt like I was her soulmate and we spoke about going away together and kind of silly talking /dreaming about what our future would look like. She told me she was really ready to settle and looking for the one. She had a high list of demands for her partner but I was ticking all the boxes. I had recently broken up from a relationship so wasn’t that interested, but she eventually got me to fall hard.
Then after a weekend at my place I made the mistake of telling her I’m falling for her after a few glasses of wine. She said she couldn’t say it back (yet), but told me I should always be open and tell her how I feel. She is a psychologist btw. I actually also had to share a horror story about an STD which was a present of my ex. Up til recently I blamed that for her escape. We still had a romantic night but the morning after everything changed. She zoned out and I felt something was up. I tried talking to her but she said all is ok.
A few days later she broke up with me saying Me telling her that I am falling for her made her think about things and she came to the conclusion that she would never feel the same about me.
I was left feeling so hurt and confused, and It came to a shock, since that same night she was still feeding me with words that I was the perfect woman for her, and that she hasn’t felt this way in a long time. First I tried to play it cool, saying its all good… but then texted a few times and where she first was still daily checking my insta feed, she stopped and didn’t respond to my messages. It killed me.
It’s been 6 weeks now, and I do feel I’m starting to get over her, but still something inside me says our story shouldn’t of ended there. Something must be up with why she turned a sudden 180 on me, that’s what I want to believe. Then I remembered her joking about having a terrible habit of being done with lovers instantly. She prioritised her social life over her ex partners and wouldn’t change that. But she was ready now, that’s what she kept saying. She even once mentioned, don’t worry i do not have anything like commitment issues. Which is ironic since she is a psychologist so she knows this theory well.
Then after finding the psychological theory the other day, I can’t help myself to read it all and see if there is a reason to blame this all on. And I guess I’m trying to figure out why I can’t let this one go. I like to think I am a good judge of character and I don’t catch feelings normally that fast.
Never ever did it cross my mind she could have commitment phobia, but now it just clicked. Her intens story about her home situation as a child, her constant failed past relationships and warning she can be suddenly done with people is exactly what I am reading about the avoiding attachment.
I really hope someone is willing to read my story and share their opinion if I am right about this theory; or am I wrong and doesn’t it add up all? Maybe I am wrong and she didn’t like me as much as I thought. Maybe someone recognises this behaviour? If she does have it I am convinced that she is in denial about it.
Conclusion is, she never reached out to me in the past 6 weeks. My last goodbye message to her was 2 weeks ago explaining I need to delete her from my Instagram because as time past, I figured out that I am unable to let go of her and that I’ve met someone else and don’t find it fair to him. I told her no response is needed and this is my closure. I am dating someone now, but nothing serious. Don’t think my head is nowhere near that yet.
I just wish I would of gotten my closure because lack of closure is a living hell, especially when you felt head over heels for someone.
I won’t be contacting her ever again, but always will hope for her to reach out to me.
-x- Katie
Hi Zan,
As I read your article again, I do see you state the behaviour should of been noticed during the dating period, and not afterwards. But other websites stated that the “running away” when things get too intens is very likely. I also read that the avoidant type is likely to say all those kind things in their “enthusiasm” and believe what they are saying at that stage. Than they get a clear moment and the panic button switches on. This is where they run, switch off their emotions and where you are left with the broken heart.
I’m really curious about your opinion on this one. As it is an old article, I will check in later to see if you have responded.
Thanks in advance.
-Katie-
Hi Katie.
As you likely know, most dumpers appear avoidant. But those who are truly avoidant by nature display avoidant characteristics throughout the relationship. They refuse to bond and get intimate, and talk about relationship goals because they are living in constant fear and doubt.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thanks for replying.
Yes definitely know that, been there. I still believe that she did have some of the characteristics while dating. We never actually talked about her feelings. And she went from 100 to a 0 after me sharing my feelings. Would you by any chance know if I could find out if she could be one. Perhaps a test where you get scored?
Thanks again.
-Katie-
Hi Katie,
Idk much about attachment styles (just what I’ve been reading for the past few weeks, especially a website called the attachment project which I recommend) but my story is extremely similar to yours. Extremely fast and deep bonding, feeling like “she’s the one”, jokes about the future despite how young the relationship is, sharing of that feeling the connexion is special and stronger than with anyone else, etc. She wasn’t reluctant to share intimacy, but wasn’t very emotional even when sharing personal stuff (more analytical I’d say, but I’m a bit of the same). The big difference with you is that she said upfront she had avoidant tendencies, was aware of it and that it’d been less strong in the past years (this is how I discovered attachment styles btw).
And in the end she broke up on a whim (or so it seemed to me) when it got too much, after saying a few times she wasn’t sure how much space and energy she would have for me (other personal/work issues there) and that she wasn’t ready to commit to something serious. Each time we discussed it and eased the way, I felt very patient and flexible. When she broke up, it was after the first real miscommunication situation we’d had (over text…).
Anyway. https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
this test is okay I think. I did it with a few friends I know very well, and it all tracked to what we knew of each other. But again, I’m no professional.
Good luck with healing and taking care of yourself!